Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend.

God, a Sicilian sign that's been a hit.

More fish.

It's a bloodbath.

A pox on you. A pox, I say.

Oh, yeah, I ordered this.

Hey, who ordered the fish?

I did.

Sophia, you know all dinner orders go through me.

Oh, they go through me, too, like a locomotive.

Hey, listen.

Now that we know this much about each other, I need a favor.

I have to borrow your car.

You just told me the food goes right through you. Why would I lend you my

Come on. I want to go downtown. Get my feet scraped. Maybe get a yogurt. You

know, live.

I can't do it. You're an old lady. You'll leave the blinker on all the

Ah, pox on you.

What? A pox on you. It's my new thing. Isn't it a giggle?

Yes, it is.

It's a giggle. A pox. Sign you.

Hey, tell it to all your friends. On the bus.

Oh, how about a ride downtown, Blanche? Mama needs a new pair of feet.

Now, Sophia, you know I have this sweet 16 party to plan. It's our banker's

daughter, and I want it to go off without a hitch.

So lend me your car.

Honey, you're too old to drive.

I know what this is about.

This is about the ding I put in your car the last time I borrowed it. Ding?

The paramedics had to get you out of there with the jaws of life.

Hey, they screwed up your door, not me.

I'm sorry, the answer's no.

I smite you.

I smite you with the strength of a thousand suns.

What?

Uh, a pox on you.

Oh, you're cursing me. Oh, I get you.

Boy, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Where are all the pens?

Oh, I threw them out. I ordered personalized ones that say compliments

Golden Palace.

I thought it was classier.

Blanche, I don't know why you're wasting your time with pens.

I mean, we've got the sweet 16 coming up for our banker's daughter, and he holds

the note on this hotel.

Now, if this party fails, the onus is on all of us.

Wait,

what'd you just say?

Onus.

Oh, never mind.

eating another sandwich?

I haven't been eating that much.

As per your orders, Blanche, I'm keeping the meatball subs coming. Oh, all

right, then I'm eating. Well, I'm frustrated.

That's what I'm saying. We need to talk about this. I'm sexually frustrated.

I don't want to talk about this.

It's a fact. You know, I think I replaced my sex drive with a food drive.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe tonight you'd like to try a little Mexican?

Julie, are you coming on to me? It's just a diversion. We're running low on

meatballs.

Poor thing. He doesn't have a prayer.

Because tonight I have a date with the most wonderful man who has ever come

my life.

His name is Ernie Niles.

Ernie. Oh.

Tonight, but we're auditioning entertainers for the party. This is

Blanche. Oh, honey, I'll do it tomorrow, but I need this tonight. Please.

He is such a charming man, and he's so witty and bright, and he is really cute.

Ernie. Oh.

This is nauseating. I can't stand here and listen to this.

He's cute.

Blanche, I've never met a cute man. Men are not cute. If you want cute, you date

Winnie the Pooh.

Winnie. Oh.

Well, Blanche still isn't here. I can't believe her. She knows about these

auditions. Well, we'll just start without her.

Mr. Siegel.

All right, Mr.

Siegel, it says here that you're an entertainer. What do you do?

I'm a mime.

Are you perhaps an escaped mime?

Anytime you're ready, Mr. Siegel.

And now, a man...

In a box.

A mime who uses props.

That's unusual.

I'm trapped in a box.

I had a mime at my 16th birthday party back in St. Olaf.

Well, it wasn't actually a mime. It was a neighbor boy who'd been struck by

lightning.

Mr. Siegel, if you don't mind me asking, what made you want to become a mime? I

like to see the smiles on people's faces.

Are you smiling?

Hello, this is Roland. Can I help you?

It's a guy from the Department of Social Services. They're checking up on

Oliver. Oh.

How could you speak up? I can hardly hear you over the pad boon in the

background.

Hey, good white guy, man.

Oh.

Oh, she is?

Okay, that's great news.

Thank you.

What's up?

That was about Oliver's mom. Apparently she's out of rehab and the court feels

that she's ready to take Oliver back.

Hey, that's great. That's what you always wanted for Oliver.

Yeah, I know. So why do I feel so lousy?

Hey, come on, man. This was always a temporary arrangement. You knew that.

Hey, come on. Let's go tell the ladies and all of her. No, man. I don't want to

say anything. I don't want to get his hopes up, okay?

Let's not say a word about this until his mother actually shows up. Oh, come

man. Who are you kidding?

The women aren't stupid. They're going to take one look at you and know you're

hiding something.

Well, then we're just going to have to act natural, like there's nothing wrong.

Wait a minute.

What is this?

Oh, you Yankee Doodle.

Oh, girls.

Well, where have you been?

Oh, girls, you're not going to believe this. I think I'm in love.

Excuse me? Oh, that just means she slept with someone.

No, no, no. I mean, what did you say? Did you just call us girls?

No, I didn't. Yes, you did. You called me a girl, Blanche. I'm not a girl. You

don't live with girls anymore.

I don't like blueberries in my bagels. I don't like cinnamon in my coffee.

I don't enjoy baskets full of bath gels. And I don't want to hear about your

stupid personal life. Excuse me. Oh, Rose, for the first time in my life, I

the big O.

Say what?

had it before but i was wrong oh boy was i wrong wait a minute i mean not that i

care but how is it possible after all you're bragging that this is your first

time i don't understand it either i think maybe it's because well you see

always thought of myself as sort of a white tina turner really in what way

her skin is lighter

Anyway, I'm seeing him again tonight.

Blanche, the party is in two days.

Now, we've been handling your auditions, but the printers called twice about

approving the copy on those hotel pins. You mean another date? I will get my

chores done, but I have to do this. Oh, please. I have to do this tonight. I

need this.

I need this.

I need this.

Okay, that time I was just practicing.

Hey, Roland.

Boy, that Oliver is something, man. He's on me again to take him to a wrestling

match. This time, he wants to see something called Mud Wrestling Mamas.

Can you imagine?

No, I think that's totally inappropriate.

That's exactly what I said. It's totally inappropriate.

Good.

Totally inappropriate.

And I'm out 50 bucks.

She's gone. Blanche is gone again.

The minute a man comes along, Blanche can't...

Well, you know, I don't know a lot about Blanche's personal life, but so what if

she likes to date, Rose?

Well, I used to think that till this Ernie came along.

But this is the hump that broke the camel's back.

I think that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

Well, you don't know much about her personal life, do you?

Rose, I still think you're overreacting to this.

Well, that's not all.

You remember those pens she ordered and she was too busy to check?

Well, they came.

Rose, oh, my pen's got hair. Oh, good. Now, Rose, isn't it classier to say pen

as compliments from us to you?

Oh, real classy, except they left out the space between pen and ears.

What a funny little typo.

It's more than a funny little typo.

There are 32 guests in the hotel who have pens on their dressers that say

compliments from us to you.

to them, Blanche?

It's supposed to say pen.

I know it's supposed to say pen. We got ten gross of these things.

And we're going to have to collect them all and you're going to have to call the

printer. Oh, no, honey, I can't. I have a lunch date with Ernie.

Lunch.

Blanche, we have a sweet 16 party tonight.

Now, that banker's carried us for over three months. You've got a

here. I can't believe this. You're just throwing this away for some guy.

He's not just some guy.

He's special.

Blanche, I've seen him in the pool in his Speedo. He's not that special.

Oh, I get it. This is your idea. You're just jealous because I'm dating someone

right now.

I'm not jealous, Blanche. But we have an important event coming up, and you're

just choosing the first man who comes along.

The fact is, this man makes me happy. And as my friend, that should make you

happy, too.

I'm talking to you as your partner, not as your friend. You got that right. As

far as I'm concerned, you're not my friend.

Well, that's just fine with me.

Roland, I'm checking out and I'll be back on Wednesday.

Okay, I just need your signature.

What is this, some sort of come on?

What?

No, that's a funny little typo.

There you go.

My car will be washed when I return?

Yes, just leave us the keys.

Oh, I already left the keys. You did? With who?

The little old lady.

The little old lady.

God, you hear it too?

You sure

you know how to drive?

Oh, so now you think I'm too old?

No, no, no. It's just that... What?

Well, you spent so much time looking for the crank.

Ah, that was just it.

So, what do you want to do?

Hey, I'm doing this for you.

I want you to be free. I want you to see the highway, touch the city, smell the

land.

Are we ever going to turn left?

Any news of Sophia and Oliver? I just called the cops. Nothing.

Hey, you guys got nothing to worry about.

Man, when I was a kid in East LA, we used to go joyriding all the time.

I remember we'd get a bunch of guys in the car, we'd go down to Tijuana, man,

would... Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea if you got a number of a good bail

bondsman.

I just called the boys club in the senior center. They're not there.

Oh, I just feel so awful. I was so insensitive to Sophia.

Now she's gone.

I know, I feel horrible.

I was insensitive to you too, wasn't I? I'm sorry, Rose.

Oh, I forgive you, Blanche. And I forgive you, Rose.

And, Roland, I forgive you.

Yippee skippee.

I guess maybe I was having trouble balancing my work and my time with

Oh.

But, girls, I think I've come up with the perfect solution.

All right, that's it. But you haven't heard what it is yet. You just called me

girl again.

No, she didn't. Yes, she did. I think I know why I'm being called a girl. I want

it to stop, okay, Blanche? I'm not a girl, right?

Whatever. Anyway, I'm having Ernie stay here at the hotel.

That way I can be here for the party and have my getaway weekend with Ernie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go slip into something that will make me

look my best.

May I suggest a time machine?

Hello? Yes, can I help you? Hi.

Roland, I'm Paula Webb, Oliver's mother.

Oh, you're Oliver's mother.

It's nice to meet you. This is Chewy. Hi, I'm Chewy. Hi.

I've heard a lot about you. I'm glad that you're, you know, doing better. I'm

doing great. I was lucky to find such a good hospital. And I gotta say, I was

lucky that Oliver found you.

He's written to me all about you. Oh, well, we're really close. You know, so

Chewy.

So, where is he now?

Where's who?

Oliver. Oh, where's Oliver? Where's Oliver? I thought you meant, where's

Me too.

I thought you meant, where's Chewy?

Well, where is he? He's right there.

I'm Chewy.

You know, I wanted to surprise him. That's why I came in the back door. Oh,

wanted to surprise him. She wanted to surprise you.

Boy,

I can see why Oliver likes it here so much.

So really, where is he?

Well, actually, right now he's out with one of his foster grandmas.

Okay, I'll come back later.

His grandmother.

I mean, she's okay, isn't she?

Oh, yes, and we feel that she is a really strong role model for the child,

by spending time together, she's showing the boy a real healthy respect for

authority.

Ma 'am, do you have any idea how slow you were going?

Ah, bite me.

I'm not stopping you. I'm telling you not to come back.

Not come back?

This isn't about Ernie. You're running away from this hotel.

You can't handle the responsibility.

You're scared.

She's right.

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't care what you think.

And hey, maybe I just won't come back. Because I don't need you.

I don't need anyone. I don't need anything.

Golden Palace.

Remember, kid, we're in this together.

You better believe it.

Excuse me, folks. These people tell me they belong to you. Sophia.

Oliver, where have you two been?

Kidnapped. The boy kidnapped me. It was a nightmare.

Normally, I'd take them downtown, but they asked to be placed in your custody.

What, with their ages and all?

Their ages.

I'm a child.

I was scared.

He almost peed.

I'm 100.

I am scared. I am peeing.

better care of these two, they might not run away.

Oh, I'm gonna take care of them.

Now listen, I don't want to know whose idea it was. It was hers.

It doesn't matter whose idea it was. From now on, if you want to go

you ask one of us and we'll take you. Now you gotta promise. No more

We promise.

Thank you.

Am I grounded?

No. Just the ringleader.

Hey, look who's back.

Did you tell them the good news yet? No, no. Tonight, man. I'll tell them

tonight. Oh, okay.

Well, I learned my lesson. Yeah, me too.

Excuse me, is anyone on duty? I got my motorcycle and sidecar out in front. I

need to park it.

We can do that for you.

I can see that. I thought you were going on a cruise.

Well, it just didn't work out with Ernie.

It was something he said.

Oh, did he say you were irresponsible?

No, Rose.

What he said was... Your hair.

He made fun of your hair.

No.

No, I told him about the fight we'd had, and he said for me not to worry about

it, that he'd take care of me.

So? So I realized I was doing exactly what you said I was, running away and

looking for some man to take care of me.

Rose, I don't know. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I can't handle responsibility, but

I realize this hotel is my chance to finally make something of myself without

depending on some man.

And I sure would like to try.

That is, if you'll forgive me.

Oh, come here.

It is so good to be back with you all.

Hey, where's Oliver?

Oh, honey, Oliver's gone.

Gone? His mother came back, and she's doing great. He was so excited to see

Well, that's wonderful.

Isn't it great?

Yes, he must be so happy.

Of course, after...

Are you okay, bro?

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just gonna miss Oliver, that's all.

Well, yeah, we all are.

But I bet he'll come back and visit.

But hey, how about me? I didn't even get to say goodbye.

Oh, yeah, he left y 'all a note.

Oh,

I never knew grandmas could be so much fun. I love you guys.

I'll miss you guys.

Oliver, P .S. Tell Sophia thanks for the ride.

You know, in a way, I'm glad I took him out for one last free ride.

It was an adventure that taught us more about love and sharing and trust than

all the schooling in the world. You're still grounded, Sophia.

Ah, bite this.

What do you say we get up real early and clean this place up? I'm beat. Oh,

yeah. Oh, I'm for that.

Uh -huh.

Night, Blanche. Good night, Roland.

Good night, Roland.

Good night.