Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend.

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart...

What's this?

Oh, Vincent Vale, that self -help guru, he's holding a seminar here this week. I

read his book, Ready, Willing, Enable. It should be really good.

Ready, Willing, Enable.

Hey, I saw that movie on the Naughty Network.

It's about this cheerleader, see?

She gets separated from the team. She has to work her way across country by

doing this. Yes, well, the book is different.

It has a lot of good advice in it. You know, it inspires you to get things done

on your own. Yeah, in a strange way, so did the movie.

Blanche.

Book?

How'd they do the U -Haul scene?

The book is different. It's one of those self -help books.

Oh, you know, I took a self -improvement course once, but I dropped out.

Really? Why?

Well, when you have as much going for you as I do, if you just keep improving,

it gets obnoxious.

Boy, you got out just in time.

Hello, there you are.

Please, I've been here a week. Call me Nick. Oh, all right, Nick.

And you can call me anytime.

I mean that.

Well, thank you. You know, I haven't seen nearly enough of you during your

here with us.

Blanche, I see you every time I come in from the pool.

I know, but you always have your robe on.

I mean that.

Oh, Mr.

DiCarlo, you're up early this morning.

Oh, it's hard not to be after that wake -up call you gave me.

Oh, that.

That's an old St. Olaf custom.

Rise and shine.

Here's a peck on the face. Give me a little smile. Hoist me by the waist.

the tub with water. Spank me like your daughter.

You're embarrassing the man.

Oh, no. It takes a lot more than that to embarrass me.

Can I feel your bottom?

He's gorgeous. Stop that.

Ladies,

I'm afraid I have a little problem.

I was expecting a check to be wired, and, well, I just found out that it's

going to come. And you won't be able to pay your bill right away?

Well, not in the traditional sense, but I do have a proposition for you. Count

me in. You're on. Deal.

Actually, I'd like to start in your kitchen.

Kinky. Cool. I'm in.

No, ladies, please. I want to start working in your kitchen to pay off my

Now, we couldn't let you do that, not a man of your stature.

Maybe we could find you a job more in keeping with what you normally do.

That's right, we could do that. What is it you normally do?

I'm a gigolo.

What?

I'm a gigolo.

Oh, you had us going there

for a minute.

No, what do you really do? I find wealthy older women become romantically

involved with them and they support me with their money.

I got 20 shares in Nabisco. What would that get me?

Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr.

DiCarlo. You're nothing like I thought.

That's right.

And it looks like we will be putting you to work in our kitchen. Doing dishes.

And because we despise you so much, you'll have to do it without your shirt.

You know, I've been thinking about switching careers.

What do you have to do to become a gigolo?

Well, first, you have to look good in suits.

I can do that.

Second, you have to be courteous and complimentary.

Yeah, I can do that.

But most important, you have to be able to have sex with women you aren't

attracted to.

Wow.

I've been training for this job my whole life.

news, Don Prescott won't be able to take you to the Yacht Club Ball tonight.

What?

Oh.

Well, that's what I get for lining up a blind date for the biggest event of the

year. He better have one hell of an excuse.

He died.

And?

Ledge. Well, I'm sorry, but you don't know what this dance means to me, Rose.

All my friends are gonna be there.

And how about a really expensive dress just for the occasion?

Blanche, Don died.

It's a fabulous dress.

Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. I'm available tonight. I could fill in

for the deceased.

Oh, that isn't necessary, Nick. All Don has to do is lie there.

I meant escorting Blanche to the dance tonight, if she'll let me.

Well, I just hate the whole idea of what you do.

But it's a fabulous dress.

Blanche! Well, I have no choice.

Shall I drive?

Yes. Donald's brother was going to drive, but he probably has an excuse,

I can't believe I let you talk me into this, man.

I don't need a self -help seminar.

Well, I think you do.

Why? What are you talking about? What's wrong with me?

No,

just forget I mentioned it.

No, I really want to know.

Well, I think that your personality is flawed.

I think there's an aspect of the persona that you project which puts people off

and manifests itself in the way you dress and the way you talk. It's all

terrible.

Hello, positive people.

The point of this seminar is that you can have everything you want as long as

you're ready, willing, and able, sir.

That's good, Roland.

This week is going to be an exercise in personal willpower, but before we begin,

does anyone have any questions?

Yeah. Yes.

What do you think of the way I'm dressed?

It doesn't work.

Now, at the end of the seminar... We will test our personal strength with the

fire walk.

The what walk?

The fire walk.

See, you confront your personal fears by walking across a bed of hot coals.

What's your biggest fear, man? Walking across a bed of hot coals?

Look, I promise you, after you walk across these coals, you're going to be a

different man.

Yeah, instead of being chewy, I'll be crispy.

I just want you to know I had a really good time.

Oh, well, so did I.

You know what I was thinking at the dance tonight?

I don't think I've ever met anyone as self -absorbed as I am.

I was thinking the very same thing about me.

Oh, Nick, I don't think it would be wise for us to take this any further.

What's wrong?

You can't possibly find me unattractive.

Oh, of course not. It's just that, well, you are a Golden Palace employee now,

and I don't want to be accused of sexual harassment again.

Again? You lick one gardener on the back of the neck, all of a sudden it's a

federal offense.

We both know it's in our best interest to...

ignore the unquenchable yearning that burns like a fire in our bellies

absolutely

a half for doing the dishes in my speedo.

Well, now that you're a free man, what are your plans?

Actually, being with you has made me think of getting out of this gigolo

business.

Really? Well, what would you do?

Well, my brother owns a hardware store in my hometown, Carlington, Indiana.

been trying to get me up there for years.

Maybe it's time to do that.

Oh, no, Nick, don't go.

Oh, we're having so much fun here.

Why don't you just stay here with me while you look for a job? Well, you can

always help out around here.

Well, it has been nice.

Even if I do have the hands of a longshoreman now.

Oh, your hands are much softer than theirs were.

Besides, you won't have to wash any dishes.

What will I have to do?

Well, don't worry.

We'll find something.

You still got that book ready, willing, and able?

All right, Julie, I'm proud of you. Actually, I want two copies.

Really? Why? Yeah, so I can strap them to my feet while I walk across those

stupid coals.

Come on, man.

Roland, don't hate me because I'm flammable.

Oh,

hey, Blanche, I just saw Nick by the pool, and I thought he was leaving.

No, he'll be staying at the hotel for a while.

Oh, Blanche. Oh, it's okay.

Oh, Nick's given up the gigolo trade.

Really? How's he going to make a living?

Well, I'll be taking care of his needs.

Gee, I hope he can adjust.

It's not like that.

Nick has turned over a new leaf. He's a changed man.

And I'm sure that in a little while, everybody's going to forget all about

shady past.

Hey, Blanche, where's the hookup?

Look, I don't care what anybody thinks.

I have found a man I really like.

You know, it's been a long time since I went out with anybody this handsome, and

you just don't know what it's done for me.

So what if I have to take care of him? I like buying him things.

And ultimately, it's none of your business.

No, Blanche, it is my business.

I mean, this guy takes advantage of women, older women who give him

they have for a few cheap moments of tawdry sex.

I don't want you on that list.

That's just sheer jealousy, and I'm not going to listen to another word.

Whoa, there's a list?

Now, you can do this, man. Your mind is more powerful than your fear. You just

have to keep saying to yourself, cool, cool, cool.

You'll be fine.

Go ahead.

Chewy, chewy, chewy, chewy, chewy, chewy. Cool, cool,

cool.

and Zach together. I'm already making my dreams come true. You're chicken,

aren't you?

And I don't want to be barbecue chicken.

You can do anything, man.

Look at all you've accomplished, huh?

Okay, you may be a little bit scared. Okay, you're not scared. Okay, but

got the power and you're not a quitter. Your feet hurt, don't they? They're

killing me.

But that's not the point. If you want to make your dreams come true, you've got

to do this. Now, come on, man. I've got faith in you. Come on, Roland. You can

do this.

Get up there. Listen.

Just think.

Concentrate.

Roland.

Roland. Roland.

Roland.

It

takes

a brave man to do what you just did, man.

Circulation in her feet.

Teeth as white as ivory. Skin as smooth as marble.

Lips as succulent as fresh fruit.

That's beautiful.

Now let me tell you some of the things I like about me.

Breasts as pert and bouncy as...

Mary Lou Retton on a trampoline.

You really are a very special lady, Blanche.

Oh, I think you're pretty special, too.

I just wish... Oh, never mind.

What? What is it?

Well, Blanche, now that I've turned over a new leaf, it just bothers me that you

pay for everything.

Oh. Why am I letting you do it? I hate myself for that.

Oh, you pay for my room, my food, my suits, my shoes.

I didn't tell you to buy new shoes.

Well, I picked them up when I got the suit.

I just feel it's time for me to make a change.

So... I want to propose something to you.

Oh, Nick.

What are you suggesting?

That we get married?

Oh, no, Blanche. I wasn't going to ask you to marry me. I was going to propose

that I go back to Indiana.

You what?

Oh, I love you, Blanche. You're everything to me, and I want to prove my

you by... Raisin?

No, thank you. You sure?

I'm fine.

Of course, it's amazing how something so wrinkly can be so... tasty.

I said no, thank you. How about

an old prune?

That was a double entendre. Yeah, I know. I know what it was. Here. Here,

you just get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.

Anyway, Blanche, I want to take care of you.

So I'm going to swallow my pride, work in my brother's store, save up some

money, and then come back for you.

Nick. Nick. Oh, you don't know how happy this makes me.

Oh.

Oops.

Want to pick that up, Nick?

Come on.

Wonderful. Simply wonderful.

Here.

Here. You get out of here. Get out. Oh, come on. That was clever.

Sophia.

Um, so when are you going to Indiana?

Tonight.

I just figured the sooner I go, the sooner I can come back.

Oh, well, all right.

Do you have everything you need? Oh, pretty much. Pretty much. Oh, this is

ironic after what I just said.

I could use some money.

Oh, yeah, sure. How much do you need? Oh, I was thinking a couple of thousand.

That much?

I don't want my brother to think I've come crawling back.

Fifteen hundred?

Yeah, sure.

I'll write you a check. No, no. Oh, no.

No, no.

I understand.

Okay.

I'll go get some champagne and we'll celebrate.

Okay. I just wish I knew what I did to deserve a woman like you.

I'm not picking that up, Sophia.

Just a man I wanted to see. Come have a seat, Nick.

I'm afraid I can't. Rose Blanche and I are in the middle of dinner. Oh, she

won't mind. Come on, sit down.

I made some calls, and I found out there's no such place as Carlington,

Your hometown doesn't exist.

How do you explain that?

Okay, it doesn't exist.

You're not a gigolo, Nick. You're a con artist.

And I have a feeling there are quite a few people who'd like to see you.

I'd hate to have to tell them where you are.

You're going to ruin this for me, aren't you, Rose?

Wait.

Can I at least say goodbye to Blanche?

Make it quick.

I did make her happy, you know.

I know.

I have to compliment you, Rose.

You're smarter than you look.

I wish I could believe that.

Here's the money you wanted.

And then some.

Well, I wanted to get you off to a good start. It'll bring you back to me that

much quicker. Oh, sweetheart, I'm at a loss for words.

Some words just came to me.

You know, I can't take your money.

Although, believe me, I'd love to.

But if I'm going to prove to you that I can make it on my own, then I'd better

get going. So I'm going to leave behind...

Everything you bought me.

Even the shoes? Surely you can take the shoes.

No, I really can't.

Well, I certainly do admire your determination.

Wait.

I'm going to need more than these to tide me over.

Favorite show, Cops.

Gotta go. I'll just slip out the back.

I'll see you soon.

Yeah.

Did I interrupt something?

Nick's going home to Indiana to work in his brother's hardware store.

Well, that's a surprise.

He's coming back for me when he's saved up enough money. And I really love him.

I just hope he'll be all right.

He has no money. He has no shoes.

He'll be just fine, Blanche. What? What?

What?