Original subtitles

Thank you.

Hey, Sophia, isn't that sauce ready yet? It's coming. It's coming. My God, I

haven't cooked this much since I worked in Mussolini's kitchen during World

War... Since the Feldman wedding.

Okay, man, I'm ready to help.

Okay. Oh, yeah, stick your hand in one of those chickens and pull out the

giblets.

Man, get out of here.

I mean it, man. Stick your hand in there. Come on.

I'm not sticking my hand in there.

Roland, I told you I needed help in the kitchen, man. You're the one that

volunteered. What are you afraid of?

Everything that's in there.

Look, there's three things I don't do. Number one, I don't squish bugs.

Number two, I don't answer guys in the bathroom when they ask, hey, does this

look normal to you?

And number three, I don't stick my hand in dead chickens.

What do you mean you don't squish bugs?

I don't. I shoo them.

You shooed them?

Hey, I just shooed one, too.

Let me understand this. If you saw a little spider, you wouldn't just squish

and flush it down the toilet?

Oh, man, you're crazy.

I'm crazy?

Really? Yeah. Okay.

Let's say that you squish this spider and then you flush him down the toilet.

But what if he's not really squished?

And when you close your eyes and flush him down the toilet, he hides on the

of the ball.

from this partial squish.

And then one night, when it's dark, and he's strong, he's

sitting down.

And when you are most vulnerable, he gets you.

So? So then you're standing in the bathroom asking some guy, hey, does this

normal to you?

Yes, Mr. Burroughs.

Yes, I know there are supposed to be eight chicken fingers in an order. I'm

sorry, you've only got seven.

Well, my God, since your lawyer's got her, all you've done is threaten to sue.

No, no, no, no. It will be my pleasure to give you the finger.

Run, take a chicken finger up to 215.

Gotcha.

I hope we never have a convention of personal injury lawyers again. They're

driving everybody crazy.

Thank goodness they're leaving on the 6th. Uh -oh, they check out on the 9th.

No, the 6th. I wrote it right here in my scenes from St. Olaf calendar.

Isn't that a wonderful picture of the salmon swimming downstream?

Grow salmon swim upstream.

Oh, dear, they are checking out on the 9th.

And look how horny the fish look this way.

Well, we have a problem. I just took a reservation from a group of judges from

Jacksonville. They arrive on the 8th. Oh, honey, the hotel is sold out.

Why, Chewy's been screaming that he needs more help in the kitchen. If those

judges come, we'll be overbooked. Well, it's just for one night. There must be

something we can do. Rose, we cannot check in one more person. We don't have

rooms. Hello. I understand you're looking for help in the kitchen.

Here is my resume. I am a chef.

Uh -huh.

Well, you're very well qualified.

Why don't you just go right through there to the kitchen and tell Chewy that

Blanche said you're to start immediately.

You know, when you hold a calendar this way, it's a herd of live cows.

Blanche at the desk said I should come in here to work.

Welcome aboard. Stick your hand in a chicken.

Get out of here, man.

Get out of here before I cut your ears off.

You guys know each other? Yeah, I caught him in bed with my wife.

You sure it's his ears you want to cut off?

Go on, get out of here, man.

Get out of here!

Hey, I'll take care of this, okay?

Hey, come on, man. Why do you think I came here? I just want to talk to you.

Oh, sure, let's talk, man.

What have you been doing since I found you in my bed with my wife under my

binky?

I mean my blanket.

Binky is Spanish for blanket.

So, look, just get out of here because you're not working in my kitchen, man.

Whoa, whoa, wait. Sorry, pal, but the lady out front gave me a job. I mean,

can't fire me just because you don't like me. Oh, yes, I can. Oh, you can. I

thought this whole thing out before I came here. And if you fire me, that's

called firing somebody without cause. You can't do that anymore.

So what are you going to do, sue me?

Where are you going to find a lawyer to take a case like that?

Oh, my goodness.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's from the insurance company.

It's the check I sent them, and our policy both marked canceled. I knew it.

canceled our liability insurance.

Now, why would they do that?

Remember when Rose covered the pool before everybody was out of it?

Yeah. Well, apparently this guy's still having bad dreams.

The insurance company settled with him out of court, and now they're not going

to renew our policy. As far as I'm concerned, we ought to be the ones

We're the ones that had to repaint the side of the pool to get out those

marks.

Look, Blanche, all I'm saying is we've got to be careful. I mean, without

liability insurance, if we lose a court case, we could lose everything.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

Oh, listen, honey, I do hope you call those judges to tell them we don't have

any room. I think I figured out how we can fit the judges and the lawyers and

keep everybody happy. Really? What's your plan?

Oh, it's not really my plan.

It's a plan that was devised in St. Olaf during the big monkey trial of 1945.

The big monkey trial.

Oh, yes. And it's a good thing we were able to find a jury of his peers. Or we

would have convicted the wrong big monkey.

Oh, that trial caused such a flap in St. Olaf.

It seems that Mrs.

Ingivar's monkey somehow got hold of a typewriter.

Anyway, he got a little lucky and he typed out a self -help book called

the Monkey Within.

Of course, everybody wanted to see that trial.

I mean, we were sitting on each other's laps. We had to double up. And soon the

verdict was read. What happened to the monkey? Ow.

He was found guilty of intelligence.

So the townspeople shaved him.

It turned out okay, though, because Mrs. Ingevar became rich, passing him off at

carnivals as a man from Mars.

The point of all this. Well, I guess the point is, if you want to make some

money, shave your monkey.

How does it help us?

You really haven't been listening, have you?

Three of us gals share a room, and if Roland and Chewy and Oliver share a

we'll only have to have one judge and one lawyer share a room. Fine. Do it.

Hey, Blanche, wait a minute.

I'm not going to let you bring more guests into the hotel when we don't have

insurance. Listen, we are finally making some money here. We are booked up. I

think it's worth the risk. But don't you think this is a decision that you

should make with all your partners?

Oh, honey, I would never know how to track them all down.

You mean my hotel party?

It's okay.

I'm in charge.

Hey, you guys, can we get lunch going here or what? He still won't talk to me.

Hey, would you talk to a man who has sex with your wife?

Chewie, I just want to get the lunch served. I don't care what he does as

as he washes his hands afterwards.

Let me ask you, if you found your best friend, someone you grew up with, in bed

with someone you love, wouldn't you be mad?

Well, it would depend on the circumstances.

Maybe they'd been to a dance, and maybe they both had too much to drink.

Maybe he just said he was going to show me his appendix scar.

Stop judging me. Stop judging me.

But you and Dolores were already separated, man.

I mean, I knew how miserable you were feeling. That's why I went over there to

talk to her, man, to explain to her what you were feeling.

Oh, that makes perfect sense. You wanted to know what I was feeling, so you

started feeling my wife, huh?

No, man, it wasn't like that. It just happened. So what do you want, Reuben?

Huh? You want my blessing? You want me to say you can have Dolores? Well, go

ahead. She's all yours.

I don't want to be with Dolores. I want to be with you. You're the one I love.

Now, here's a twist I wasn't expecting.

Come on, Blanche. Come on.

I miss you, man.

Don't you miss us hanging out together?

I'm not forgiving you, man. I can't. Come on, Chewie. Ever since we were six

years old. You remember when we met in Mr. Hernandez's class? You've been my

best friend.

I still remember that day you walked in that room. You had a great smile. You

were always laughing. You remember that day, man?

You stole my crayons.

What? That's what I remember.

You stole my crayons.

First my crayons, now my wife.

Everything I ever loved to play with.

What am I going to learn? You're a thief.

You've taken enough from me.

Oh no, thank you.

What are you so grumpy about?

But the only insurance policy I can get us isn't going to protect us from

anything. And we're still overbooked, Blanche. But Rose is still trying to

that lawyer into sharing a room with the judge.

Oh, come on. It'll be just like going to summer camp.

I remember meeting my new tent mate. Oh, we had so much fun.

Playing lose rose in the forest.

Or dump rose in the middle of the lake.

I mean, somehow I'd make it back and everybody'd be singing kumbaya.

What do you say?

Forget it.

We'll give you a free room.

There's a reason I can buy.

Okay, I'll do it.

Let's see, you'll be sharing a room with Mr.

Angel. That is, if it's all right with him.

I'm sorry, boys, but we're all booked up. We have reservations.

We're the judges of Jacksonville.

I spoke with a woman named Rose.

She's Rose.

Get rid of them.

Your honors.

Hi. Listen, I made a mistake, and we really don't have enough room.

I mean, if you stayed here, you'd have to share a room with him, and you

wouldn't want to do that.

Sounds like fun.

Oh, it wouldn't be. He's a lawyer.

Great.

I hate lawyers.

Well, okay, I'll need your full name, Mr. Angel.

Angel of Death.

What a silly little mix -up. I guess, of course, you won't want to be staying

with us tonight.

Oh, I'll stay.

But if anything happens to me, this hotel is mine.

Everybody ready for lights out? Yep.

I don't know why I'm sleeping in the middle. I like to get up during the

and drink some water.

Uh -huh, then you like to get up later in the night and let it out.

Only sometimes you don't get up.

Oh, I hope that lawyer and that biker are okay.

It's a shame how society has to kowtow to those hooligans, those no -goods who

prey on decent people everywhere.

And the bikers are just as bad.

Well, I guess we really don't have to worry. I mean, even if that lawyer sues,

we're covered by our insurance policy.

Girl, I'm afraid we have to talk.

What's the matter, Blanche?

Oh, I wish there was some other way to tell you this. We have no insurance

policy. What do you mean we have no insurance?

The insurance company canceled our policy and I'm having trouble getting us

covered. What does this mean, Blanche?

It means if that lawyer should sue us or if Ruben should sue us, if we have any

kind of legal problems, we're likely to lose everything.

When did work become so hard?

We have to worry about every little detail.

One... Two...

Seven.

Eight.

Oh, no thanks, I just did.

Man, what are you doing? I thought you said you wanted to pump up.

No, I said plump up.

Hey, besides, nobody trusts a skinny chef.

What are you talking about?

All the great chefs are porkers.

Pradom, Beard, what's that other dude's name?

Uh, Julia Child.

Guys, your tent's ready.

Hey, Oliver, why don't you sleep in the tent, man?

You can pretend like you're out in the middle of the woods, get a little

campfire going.

I'm a city kid. I hate the woods.

There are bugs in the woods.

Oh, then I'm definitely not sleeping in the woods.

Look, wait a minute. You were just a kid. We are two big, strong men, and

tired. Now get in the tent.

I'll sleep in the tent.

Night, everybody.

What in hell is that?

My feet.

They're freezing.

I know, so I figured I'd put them in the hottest place in Miami.

Not without dinner and a moody first.

It's not like I'm walking where no man's walked before.

Oh, I just had my favorite abominable snowman dream.

I still feel chills.

Those are Sophia's feet.

Hi.

We're moving, lady.

Sorry I woke you.

I wasn't really asleep. I was just lying here thinking.

You know, in my wildest dreams, I didn't think the hotel business was going to

be this hard.

Well, actually, in my wildest dreams, I'm carried off to the jungle by a

gorgeous man in a leopard -skin loincloth.

I haven't worked this hard since I was a little girl on my father's dirt farm

back in Sicily. What did your father grow?

Dirt.

What are you doing, Rose?

Making a tent.

Let's pretend we're in camp.

Oh, I'm just not in the mood, Rose.

I mean, how many more times in our lives are we going to get a chance to play

camp?

Okay, okay, Rose.

Although it would be more fun if we had a boys' camp across the lake we could

paddle to.

Don't worry, I have some great new scary stories for you. Oh, we're too old for

scary stories.

This one is called The Day Dorothy Quit Smoking.

Well, not too much longer. This is my last night.

Oh, we're going to miss you. You seem like a nice person, except for that

sleeping with the best friend's wife thing.

So you're going to go, huh?

Why not? You're not going to talk to me.

Look, Chewie, I'm not perfect, man.

And I'm really sorry about what happened.

Look, man, for what it's worth...

Crayons?

Well, it's a start.

Look, I'm going to split.

Reuben?

Come here.

Look, I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this for the old Chewy.

Oh, well, in my day, if a man caught his wife in the embrace of another man, he

would never forgive him.

Not even for something as innocent as a New Year's Eve kiss with an old friend

of the family I had known for years.

Stop judging me.

I'm not a tramp.