Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Not now.

Got something awesome for you.

Seriously? Shh.

Some guy from a weird foreign country mailed me this.

He's a fan of my artwork on Twitter, and he said that if I like scary stuff,

that this videotape would blow my mind.

For once, we get to scare you guys.

What country is it from?

It's called Uck. Must be in Africa.

That says UK, sweetheart.

Britain? Oh, exotic.

Shh. I'm about to kick Adam's ass.

No, he isn't. Is.

Babe!

Oh, I'm sorry. Who's kicking who's ass?

I believe that was interference.

I'm calling rematch. Will you guys please be quiet and just watch?

What are you doing?

That was balls.

It wasn't scary at all.

Dear put... Dear put... I... Fail.

Dear Putrid Pestilence 2, I love your art and thought you'd enjoy this tape.

P .S. Once you watch it... Once I watch it...

Did I win a prize? Did I get something awesome?

Once you watch it, you have seven days to make someone else watch it or you

What?

Winner.

I'm in debt.

I regret.

Into the hole, I ain't got no place to go.

Why does anybody want me?

Why does anybody need me?

Still waiting?

She's just running a little late.

It's been an hour and a half.

I like to be early to stuff.

Look, I'm a little nervous. It's the first date.

But you obviously have a lot of important stuff going on. How did you

I actually haven't met her yet.

But we've been talking a lot online.

Because we met on H -Date.

Hebrew dating.

It's totally normal.

It's like a lot of people are doing that these days.

I'm not desperate.

Okay.

What was that? Is that okay?

Like you believe me or okay? Like you think I'm weird and you're just standing

there judging me with your name tag and your coffee pot.

Mean waitress shouldn't have any lines anyway.

Are you Adam?

Holy ****.

Yes. Uh, yeah, I'm Adam. Hi, I'm Rachel.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you in person.

Yeah. Sorry, my hands are wet.

It's just wet.

Okay.

So this is a little weird, huh?

Right? I mean, normally I don't date.

Like, well, no, I mean, I date. I don't date.

I don't do the online dating date thing normally. That's not really for me.

Because, I mean, it's like, I always thought it was sort of reserved for,

serial killers and rapists, which I'm not.

I would never rape anyone because I'm not a rapist.

Ew.

What? A hundred years from now, our world is going to be half ghetto.

Whoa. You are so much cuter than your profile picture, by the way.

I know.

I thought I'd do that on purpose. Like, I made sure that my profile picture was

a picture where I looked like I was only, like, a five as opposed to the

seven that I am.

And you make horror movies?

Yep. I love horror movies.

Nightmare on Elm Street?

Amazing.

Thank you.

Oh, great.

So, I guess I should run out to the parking lot now and make sure my car

just get all banged up.

Whoa.

Do you want to go somewhere else?

Uh, for dinner? For dinner, or...

Some extracurricular activities.

You mean like... Bowling?

We're going bowling!

Guess who hooked up with a 10 tonight?

This guy right here. She was all like, oh, Adam's so adorable.

And I was like, let me just see how adorable I am.

Oh, my God!

Hey. What are you doing?

I was just looking for my contact.

You don't wear contact.

Oh, yeah.

What's going on?

Your creepy girlfriend just scared the crap out of me.

It's already been three days since we watched that tape, and we still haven't

passed the curse on to anybody.

I thought Samara was coming to get me.

Look, don't worry about the whole videotape curse thing. It's going to be

We got it all worked out.

Did you hook up?

Maybe.

Dude, it was awesome. This girl is like the hottest girl that I've ever seen in

my life, and she's like totally into me. I can't believe it. That's great, man.

No, you don't understand.

Like, when I say hot... I'm talking like perfect ten hot. Like Amy stealing

Friday the 13th part too hot.

See, Joe?

And you always said that he'd never find anyone, that he would die alone.

I never said that.

Yes, you did. You always said that every day. You would say, see, he's probably

never going to find anyone, he's going to die alone.

Crawl back to bed.

Fine.

Does she have to do that?

That's great, man. I'm so glad you finally found a good girl.

Well... What?

Forget it. No, no excuses, dude. She's hot, right? You like her. She likes you.

I don't want to hear any more about it.

Yeah, but I think she might be a little bit of a... Don't want to hear it.

Okay.

Thank you.

So, you said you figured out the tape?

Who are we going to show it to? Oh, okay, so check it out. So, Corey said

there's an elderly woman at the hospital who's got less than 24 hours to live.

She's dying anyway, dude. It's a win -win for everybody.

We get the curse lifted, she dies an honorable death.

And what if the curse follows her into the afterlife?

Did you ever think about that?

That's a risk we're just going to have to take, Adam.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

And a ten.

I hooked up with a perfect tent.

Everything's coming up at him.

So, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

Did you just make out or did you hook up? We just made out.

What base?

Base? What are we, eight?

Did you see her naked?

That is none of your business.

Did she at least touch your thingy?

We kissed, okay?

That's all.

We kissed.

And it was sweet.

And it was tender.

And it was romantic.

It's not always about getting your thingy touched, Joe.

Sometimes it's about being touched.

Here.

Hi,

Mrs. Helder. How are you doing tonight?

That's good.

I brought you a surprise.

It's a videotape to cheer you up.

Okay, put the tape in, push play. Now watch closely.

Okay.

Mrs. Helder, you need to watch the tape.

Look, it's a tape. Yay!

God, Corey, we give you one simple task.

Show an elderly woman a 30 -second video. Was that too much to ask? I told

she died.

She saw some of it. I just don't know how much.

Well, did she see most of it? I guess.

But she didn't see all of it.

Definitely not.

What percentage of the tape did you say she watched?

My glasses. Answer the question, Corey. I don't know. She flatlined right away,

but... You know, they say the brain can keep working for a few seconds after you

die, so maybe she saw it all.

So, 60 %?

67 %?

Look, clearly it didn't work.

Way to go, Corey.

How is this my fault?

With your tape, you made us watch it. Don't change the subject, Corey. You

supposed to show that old brat 100 % of the tape, and instead you showed her,

like, 20, like, less than... Percentages aren't my thing.

Did they not have basic math in Columbia?

I'll have you know I aced math in Columbia. Thank you very much.

A kilo of cocaine goes for roughly $20 ,000 in a small suburban town like

Colliston, which, when divided up into equal distribution and sold in two major

cities at a 55 % markup, can turn a combined total of $31 ,000. First grade

math. Well, this just means we need to move to

plan B.

Show the tape to someone we actually know.

It's the only way.

Let's show it to Corey.

I already saw the tape, Laura. Remember?

Let's show it to Corey.

Again. Where is Adam?

He's out with Rachel. Who's Rachel?

His new girlfriend.

She's a 10.

A 10?

Yeah, you know.

11.

7 .4.

I got that one right, Dennis.

Why is a girl like you doing internet dating?

I guess I had just been burned on so many blind dates and setups. I want a

who has a career and can provide for me.

So that's why I joined H -Date.

What does that mean?

If you want a guy with money, you need to find yourself a nice Jew or a little

Chinaman.

Okay, I'm going to be totally straight with you. Sometimes some of the stuff

that you say sounds a little... Honest? No, I was going to say racist.

Just because I'm well aware of my surroundings does not mean I'm racist.

Um, watch your wallet.

Watch my wallet? Yeah.

Okay, like that.

Why should I have to watch my wallet? Just because there's a black man

behind me doesn't mean... Oh, my God, I don't want to put those things together

on the part of my two Yorkies.

It is so warm in here, I'm sweating like a slave.

Jesus, a slave, Max!

How do you say stuff like that in sleep at night?

You know what?

I'm not feeling very well. You're not feeling well?

I bet I can make you feel better.

Uh, on second thought, I mean, we're already here, right?

We're about to finish the date.

See where it goes and what goes where.

If you're dating a girl who's super hot, but she's got some fundamental

differences of opinion that might be slightly ignorant and maybe a little

bigoted. I don't know what half of those words mean.

Okay, the girl that I'm dating is probably the hottest girl that I've ever

in my life.

Like what? A nine?

No, dude. A ten. The perfect ten. The perfect ten does not exist.

I thought you might say that.

Marry her. Right?

But here's the thing. I think she might be a racist.

You'll get over it, dude. Believe me. Now, go away and leave me alone. I'm

Oh, and that's another thing.

No, not busy at all. Not busy at all. My friends and I, we sort of watched this

cursed videotape, and now we only have seven days to make somebody else watch

the tape, or else we're going to die.

Show somebody else the tape. I mean, seriously, can't you figure out any of

for yourself?

Yeah, but I don't want to hurt somebody else. I mean, I can't add murder to my

list, can I? It's bad enough that I'm dating a racist. Now what am I supposed

do, just start killing people with a videotape?

Shut up and listen to me.

Show the tape to somebody that you don't like and make it their problem. Do the

racist. and then break up with her right after. I

was

with Corey. Corey is a 7 .4 at best.

But if you add her 7 .4 to your 2, you end up with a 7...

Hey, something.

We eliminated math from my home planet because, uh...

Math is dumb.

Now scram!

Damn it!

Ow!

I'm only a two?

A two!

We can't do this. I like Lant. I like Lant too. Look, we'll tell him what's

We'll even help him pass the tape along, but we're out of time on our end. He

won't watch it anyway.

Lance has the attention span of something with a short attention span.

God. Did we have to add a woman to the writing staff?

Just go quick before she pitches another joke about her mom or a period.

I have a good joke about air travel.

Anyway, the cursed tape is subliminally edited into a winger video. Lance will

watch it. Trust me.

You mean there is a director's cut of Winger's video for Seventeen, Adam?

There is only one cut in existence of the Seventeen video.

I'm calling bullshit.

I can't even remember why I walked in here in the first place.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Unless a miracle happens, we're closed in a month. Wait, no, no, no, no, no. We

just sold off half the equipment. We made double the amount of commercials as

last year.

I know, but corporate says our commercials are still...

No bueno. That means no good in Mexican.

Quantity over quality.

Start looking for another gig, boys.

This tour is almost over.

He'll be great.

We've been diving down.

Good night.

Oh, my God.

Medic!

One more night and we're all dead.

Think. Who can we show the tape to?

Why don't we show it to Axel and kill him?

He likes to watch TV.

Yes, he does.

No.

Not my cat.

What did he ever do wrong?

I'll buy you a new cat. Over my dead body.

You guys, I cannot believe this is happening.

I mean, I never got to record an album. I never got married.

I had so much left to live for.

What if we knock on a neighbor's door and leave the tape outside?

That creepy, scary guy from down the hall. What about him?

Yeah, but we need to know that whoever we give it to watches the tape.

Plus... Wherever we show it to, we have to help them pass the curse on. That was

the whole deal, you guys.

There's got to be someone we know that deserves to die.

Is it too late to send the tape to Tony Todd? Because that guy sucks.

That guy totally sucks.

Sucks so bad.

He was not white.

Is that too much?

I don't want to die.

I won't let you die, Corey.

Maybe these two assholes, but not you.

I've got an idea.

What?

I've got this.

Camera left, Adam.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

What movie did you bring?

It's a wicked, scary movie.

It's super hard to find, so I actually had to get it from a street vendor in

Boston.

Figures. Those gypsies are always peddling the weirdest stuff. Between

the Arab carpet riders selling their cheap cologne and the blacks selling

stolen... I get it.

I get it.

Wow.

Now, you just watch this, okay? And pay close attention.

And don't look away. And I'm gonna go make some popcorn in the other room. You

brought popcorn?

I did. I also bought a bottle of wine.

Aw.

You know, you're really not that cheap for a Jew.

Okay, you know what? That's it.

You are a... How did you do that?

Uh... I...

What were you saying?

Give me two minutes.

Say two minutes. You really mean two minutes.

Time for the movie.

I guess.

Now, you stay here.

Where are you going?

I'm just going to go make that popcorn real fast.

You watch the movie, okay? Pay close attention. It's really scary.

Watch.

I'll be right back.

Making a copy of the cursed tape at work and showing it to your girlfriend?

Talk about taking one for the team.

She was an idiot anyway.

I don't care how hot she was.

Her racist comments were so disgusting I couldn't even stand to look at her

anymore. So you didn't at least sleep with her first?

Of course I slept with her first.

You just said you couldn't even stand to look at her because she was a racist.

I shut the lights off.

And welcome back to the Movie Crypt with Adam and Joe.

Tonight's presentation is The Ring. One of the better remakes to come out of the

2000s where, if it wasn't a remake, horror fans wouldn't see it.

Now, Joe and I had our own ring -like scare when we inadvertently watched the

tape that a fan sent us. And lesson learned, people. Always read the letter

comes with the cursed videotape before you watch the cursed videotape. Laura.

Now, sit back, hold on to your horses, and enjoy Gore Verbinski's chilling

The Ring.

No, dude.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

If you don't believe us, we can make it.