Original subtitles

Dude.

Putting on a concert for your dolls again?

No.

They're not dolls. They're action figures.

Can't you knock?

What if I had a girl in here?

It can happen.

Come out here. I got to show you something.

Can I finish my concert?

What is it? You're never going to believe this.

Laura ordered the special paint from Japan.

My line.

Okay, you're never going to believe this. I ordered this special paint from

Japan, and when I mix it with the usual stuff I get in the store here, this

happened.

Whoa. What?

I have created life.

Hey, guys.

Laura, you lost me out of the house. I was standing outside for like an hour

before I finally came over here.

Yeah.

His name is Blobby.

Blobby? I'm keeping him.

He's really warm.

Oh, God!

Oh, it bit me!

Blobby, why would you do that?

He said you started it.

I didn't.

I'll neutralize the reaction.

Corey, your boobs are huge when you're a cartoon character.

Thank you.

Where did my blobby go?

Blimey. Look, it's outside of our flat.

Wait, why are you British?

Why are you a bloody...

I've been

dead. I've been dragged.

And I haven't won the lottery yet.

I've burst into the hole.

I ain't got no place to go.

Why?

You guys, what do we do?

Should we call the police? Battleship anyone?

I'm in. I'll watch.

I'll just take a nap.

Wait.

I was supposed to be in the bedroom five minutes ago.

Are you kidding me? You guys caused this. We can't just ignore it and wait

it to go away.

F9. Myth.

D2. Myth.

Who are you? There are innocent people dying out there because of us. We need

do something.

Slave person.

I require food.

And then my litter needs to be changed. Something smells amiss.

I thought you were brain damaged.

A simple ploy to get you to do my bidding, you impudent sod.

Now, scratchies.

Yes, yes.

Don't forget the from under.

What's the from under? From under my balls.

You're neutered. You don't have balls.

Lies! You may have tried to stop me from spreading my seed, but I have retained

my testicles to be used at a time when I see fit.

Humans cannot stop me.

I am a cat.

I am fearless.

Strange personage in our home. Quick, hide!

I still don't get why he's British.

Wait, don't answer it. What if it's someone who saw Blobby come out from

apartment? We should pretend we're not home.

Is anyone home? I need help.

A giant blob attacked me.

I love you, Corey, but I will end you if you force me to.

Oh, thank God.

An odd -looking Asian man from down the hall has come to my assistance.

Wait, what are you doing?

For the record, I always said the

creepy Asian guy down the hall was a serial killer, did I not?

We could have saved that man or been killed with him.

I may have just saved your life, Corey.

You're welcome. Adam, do something.

Okay.

H6. Myth.

Adam, please do the right thing.

Give me one second.

Dude, have you seen what's going on outside? What if I told you I knew who

was... Sort of responsible for it. Call the police or the military and report

that asshole. What if that someone was my friends and I?

Pretend you never saw it. And if they catch you, blame the others.

Settle for a plea bargain.

By the time they get out of jail, they'll have found God and learned how

forgive you.

So you think we should just ignore it?

Adam, there is great power in not taking responsibility for yourself.

Blame your parents.

Blame heavy metal music.

Blame violent video games. But don't ever take responsibility for

your own actions.

Thanks, Odorous. That's why I'm here.

By the way...

Did you know that your cat is British?

Yeah, I just found that out. I told you, you should have put it to sleep.

Okay, so I think what we need to do is... Look, Blobby is on TV.

This is Channel 5 celebrity reporter, Michael Caine, reporting live from

Holliston, or as most Massachusetts residents refer to it, the town next to

Melbourne.

Officials are calling this a radioactive chemical disaster as a blob -like life

form wreaks havoc on this once peaceful town.

Blobby's famous.

I'm so proud.

Dude, this is it. You know how they say every bad thing that turns into a

natural disaster happens for a reason? They say that?

Let's get to the cable station, grab a camera and some mics.

You're not seriously going out there.

Corey, sometimes the best way to make up for your mistakes is to just pretend it

didn't happen and let someone else deal with fixing it while you capitalize on

it for your blossoming film career.

Disgusting. An alien spacecraft has positioned itself over the town of

and seems to be doing battle with a blob -like creature.

Do you know what this means?

That what we did has now summoned alien lifeforms to come destroy us? That we've

inadvertently started an intergalactic war?

No.

Dude, we just went sci -fi.

Now we're talking Roland Emmerich -style summer tentpole four -quadrant

blockbuster disaster movie.

Come on!

Way to go, Cory.

Oh, man.

They took out Casey's Crossing?

The town hall?

The Balancing Rocks?

Chasing? Crossing?

Town hall?

Balancing rocks? Stop calling attention to the budget!

Oh, please tell me there's a camera in here that still works. This little

still good. Why did Lance have to sell off the big HD one? We have cinematic

gold happening outside and we're shooting analog?

The horror.

Good evening and what the f*** is happening outside Hollistan?

Hey, boss.

Armageddon is hitting outside, the whole world is ending, and we're all about to

die. Yet you two still come into work?

Now that's dedication.

And that's why I've always loved you.

Why are you still here?

I came back for my Def Leppard albums.

But I am glad I ran into you. Listen, Adam, we're probably not going to live

through this. And, well, I'm just going to be blunt.

I don't want you to die a virgin.

I'm not a virgin.

Sure you're not, Adam.

Sure you're not.

Are you propositioning me?

I don't know.

Am I?

No, thankfully.

I'll take my chances out there.

Listen, Joe.

We're probably not going to live through this. And, well, I'm just going to be

blunt. You're asking me second?

Any port in a storm, dude. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm

My picture disc imports single for Make Love Like a Man.

You'll be great. We've been Diver Down. Good night.

I should have asked you first.

Vought! Are you okay?

I'm alright, but my copy of Hysteria is toast!

No!

Do you have a storyline yet? I'm thinking it's a story about two hot

get attacked by a massive blob.

And then there's like...

Aliens and stuff?

Maybe we get Bruce Willis to cry.

Or we use an Aerosmith song and it's perfect.

We'll call it Night of the Ragnarok. Oh, that's good.

Open the door!

It's crazy out there. The whole town is...

This is Channel 5 celebrity reporter Michael Caine coming to you live from

downtown Olliston, where the surrounding streets have now been completely

levelled in the wake of the epic battle between the blob and the alien

spacecraft. Citizens are advised to evacuate to nearby shelters in Ashland,

Medway and... Framingham?

Really? Even if the world was ending, no one would ever go to Framingham.

Please stop calling it that.

But I thought that was the creature's name.

It is.

See, it is.

Shut up, Axel. I liked you better when you couldn't speak.

Well, have you know my name isn't Axel. It is Nigel Carruthers.

No, it isn't. But can it be?

Come on, dude, we gotta shoot this. We're missing everything.

You're really gonna try and film this? Of course.

Filmmaking is about seizing the reality of the moment.

Look at this moment. It's reality needing to be seized.

What's the movie about?

Babe, it's a horror movie. We'll figure that out after we shoot it. But you two

lucky girls just got cast as the leads. Me?

You want me to be the lead in a movie?

I've got to call my mom!

Stop. We're going to finish this. We started it, and we need to stop it.

The paints.

Mixing Laura's paints brought this thing to life. I bet if we mix the negative

colors together, we can kill it.

Gray. Gray is the equivalent to nothing.

Okay. That's the dumbest logic I've ever heard.

Oh, okay, but Jeff Goldblum uploading a computer virus to an alien race in

Independence Day made any sense?

He was the fly, Corey.

Dino, dropping, dropping. Wrong movie, dude. You're all crazy.

Come on. Let's shoot this movie and get accepted to Fantastic Fest in Austin. I

heard they get free barbecue to the filmmakers.

Stop right there. I demand treats.

And not just licking the empty can of tuna. I want pounds.

The moist kind, with real crab.

Do it now, or I will urinate in your closet for a seventh time.

That's what that smell is!

So you have defeated me this time, but I'll be back. Oh, yes!

I'll be back!

No one else was going to eat Nigel Carruthers.

British food all tastes like cardboard.

Hmm.

Okay, Laura, you went out there and pretend you're like, I don't know, just

going to the store to buy milk.

And then, whoa, there's a huge monster battle behind you.

What do I need the milk for?

Huh? Why am I buying milk?

Hold on, hold on. Laura, you stay here. Corey, you go out there. What? Why me?

Because it's dangerous out there and I don't want Laura to get hurt.

I seriously don't like you anymore.

Great. Use that anger in your performance.

What am I buying the milk for?

I'm going to finish this right now.

the camera to her. Free nudity! Free nudity!

Will someone please just tell me why I'm buying the goddamn milk?

Hey. Don't just stand there.

Oh, that's just great. You missed the shot.

Give me the camera.

Where did Laura go?

Hey, Blobby.

Don't be angry.

Mama's here.

Laura! No!

Don't do it, Laura!

For a bowl of cereal?

I'm improv -ing, you guys!

A bowl of cereal? I would never write such a stock storyline.

Ever read the pilot episode you wrote for this show, Adam, about as original a

storyline as Avatar?

No offense.

None taken.

I liked dances with Avatar.

Folks, it just got weirder. A strange, quirky, but extremely cute Mexican girl

is now petting the creature.

Seriously, even the most amateur of Hollywood writers couldn't come up with

contrived and ridiculous stuff.

Oh, enough!

I could fix you a bowl of Frosted Flakes if you'd like.

Okay, okay, I know. Those get soggy too fast.

But what about Grape Nuts? Those always stay crunchy and have a consistent

texture.

We can't afford grape nuts. Nutty Nuggets offered the Market Basket

brand. There's a Market Basket brand?

No, it's Market Basket.

Market Basket.

No, it's Market. Why are you saying basket? No, it's Market Basket.

Market Basket.

Market. Look out!

Ah!

Don't leave me, Blobby. I love you.

It's a sudden stop.

You didn't even know Blobby.

Sometimes it only takes a moment to get attached, Joe.

Sometimes it only takes a moment.

Fantastic Fest and free barbecue, here we come.

Don't be mad.

What?

So stupid.

But, um, I might have forgot.

Yeah, yeah, I forgot.

Um, I didn't put the, um...

It was such a stupid mistake.

Idiot.

Oh, come on. Don't scan me. You did it.

Hey, do you guys remember Cory?

And there you have it, my decomposing friends. The epic conclusion to The

88. Hey Joe, didn't you always say that the Blob remake was the movie that made

you want to become a filmmaker in the first place?

That's right, Adam. I'll never forget the first time I saw it. I left the

theater knowing that I had truly found my calling. Director Chuck Russell was

coming right off of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 and the man was just a genius

the top of his game when he made this remake.

Such a genius that he even remembered to put film in the cameras when he rolled.

You're the one who forgot to put the tape in the camera.

Didn't realize that was the writer's job.

I didn't realize.

I didn't... You're... I got nothing.

That's right.

Well, thanks for watching the Movie Crypt. We know that most of you are

to rebuild your homes right now, so the fact that at least one or two of you

tuned in tonight means the world. Hopefully they catch the sons of bitches

responsible for that whole mess.

I tell you, kids today, I want to see them fry.

We'll see you next week.

Whew.

Where's random camera guy, anyway?

Maybe he got eaten by Blobby.

At least that whole mess is over.

Sucks we lost Corey and Axel in that disaster.

We'll be back in next week's episode. Don't worry about it.

Woo!

Lance is still here?

Apparently so.

And apparently his office was miraculously fixed.

Save you for the method board, dude.

Hey, guys. Hey, Lance. We didn't know you were here. We thought you evacuated.

Yeah, that's one word for it.

I see you survived the whole alien invasion thing.

Yep. That's great.

Great.

Okay, I'll bite.

Wear your clothes, Lance.

My clothes?

You're naked.

No, I'm not.

I'm working on my abs and my upper thighs.

You know, for my ninja kicks on stage.

Naked?

Yeah.

What was the deal with that alien spaceship?

Are you trying to change the subject?

No.

coming to an end.

I didn't know.

It's not what it looks like.

I tripped. I fell in.

Human race. We've been diving down.

Good night.

We don't need a reason. We got good ambition.

If you don't believe us, we can make it a lot.