Original subtitles

What are we going to do when they lay us off? We're not going to get laid off.

Look around you.

Lance is selling off everything we have.

Game over, man.

Game over.

If we get laid off, we'll just collect unemployment for a while. We'll be fine.

Okay, what about free access to production equipment?

How are we going to keep shooting and editing our own things now?

Don't worry.

We'll put our efforts back into shin pads and we'll get it finished before we

get fired.

Trust me, I got it all worked out.

No, you don't.

What's up, dude?

I'm looking for Tonto DeWitt.

Uh, sorry, buddy. There is no one here named Tonto.

And, uh, 1987 is down the street.

Good evening, Holliston!

Or right there.

What's up, dude?

Rockin' and rollin'. How about you?

What's up?

Listen, I don't know how you found out where I work, but, uh, I don't sign

autographs except that shows. Sorry, man.

I'm, uh, looking for Tonto DeWitt.

Sorry, buddy. We told you.

There's no one here named Tonto.

Yeah.

Tonto? My parents were big fans of the Lone Ranger.

You didn't think I was born with a name as badass as Lance Rocket, did you?

What's your name, kid?

I'm Dean.

Dean Schneiderman.

But my friends call me Valentino. Well,

your spandex pants kick ass.

You got a Diver Down flyer for me to sign or something, Valentino Fox?

Diver Down?

Is that that band -handling cover band from New York?

Or the one in Baton Rouge, Detroit or San Fran?

Damn!

Hey, uh, Dean, you wouldn't happen to know bands like, uh, I don't know, the

Enough's Enough, Bang Tango, or, uh, Twisted Sister?

Who?

Danger Danger?

If it ain't metal, it's clock!

Play it loud!

I regret, and I haven't won the lottery yet.

I'd burn into the hole. I ain't got no place to go. Why

does it end?

I'm sorry, kid. You must be mistaken.

The Rock has got no random missiles out there.

Kids are totally not metal.

Don't you remember playing a show in 1990 at a club called Hammerheads on

Island with a band called Social Disease?

Social Disease?

It was a Bon Jovi tribute band.

Have you only ever been in cover bands, Lance?

Nobody wants to hear originals. Ever been to a concert, Adam? The minute they

say, this one's off the new album, the place clears out. Well, apparently, you

and my mom poured some sugar all over each other in the club's bathroom. I

poured some sugar all over a lot of people in bathrooms.

Thank God he still hasn't poured some sugar on me.

I'm sorry, kid. I'm not your dad.

Yes, you are.

My mom has pictures of you and her banging in the club's bathroom. She has

spandex thong that says social disease across it. And I got a DNA test off of

from your sweat.

That means nothing.

Okay.

What Nikki Sixx's real name?

Frank Carlton Serafino Ferrena Jr.

Hey, Corey.

Hey, I just came by because Adam said he wanted me to meet his new girlfriend.

Have you met her yet?

No, not yet.

Adam did a DJ gig over at Ashen Roller Skating Palace a few weeks back. He met

her there.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

You have to a girl paint a bird named Bear?

You must be Joe.

Hi. Hi, Bailey. Welcome.

Thank you.

And this is Joe's girlfriend, Laura.

I was painting a masterpiece, but whatever.

Cheese and crackers.

Did you paint this?

I love the fire.

It's beautiful.

She's a keeper.

And Bailey, this is my friend, Corey.

I'm Bailey.

Aww.

This is a joke, right?

Adam warned me that you might be a little jealous. And it's okay.

Listen, I know you two used to date, but believe me, I'm not worried.

Oh, good.

Good.

Bailey, sweetheart, where's your mommy?

My mom died last year.

Way to bring up your mom, Chloe.

Uh, Bailey, would you like a drink?

Yeah, do you have any Capri Sun?

Ooh, brand name. Sorry, too expensive.

I'll take a glass of milk, then.

One milk coming up.

Bailey. Um, sweetheart, where's your daddy or your legal guardian? Does

know she's here?

Does someone know you're here?

That old beat -up Barbie is really mean.

I know, right?

Here you go.

One glass of milk.

Thank you. You're very welcome. Uh, just really quick. Okay.

It's still good.

Sometimes it gets spoiled after a few months.

All right.

Mmm. Is this skim milk? We add water.

Makes it last longer.

Puffer!

Red Skittles, can you hold this for me for a second? I can, Purple Skittles.

Wait a minute.

Skittles?

Yeah, you know, red and purple are the two best flavors. You put them together

and it's like... You know, I got it.

That's a really funny joke, you guys, but I'm not buying it. Although you

a total cutie pie.

You are adorable, but you guys, I'm not going to fall for this.

Look at that painting over there. It's so crazy.

Corey, I think you might have left your keys out on the patio.

I don't think I did. I think you did. You were right.

She is tenacious, right?

You know what? Maybe after you guys show me the rest of your place, I can see

one of your movies.

Well, that's the thing. We actually haven't totally finished one yet, but

we have one done, you are so invited to the premiere.

Jiminy Cricket. I think we'll come here. Absolutely.

I want to go, too.

Oh, please.

Steve, you're my girlfriend. Of course you can go.

Come on. Let me show the rest of the place.

Oh, my goodness.

I love her.

Join us next week when Joe and I teach you how to make your own realistic

maggots. Tons of creepy crawly fun.

And a stupid romantic comedy that they force us to show right here on the Movie

Crypt with Adam and Joe. See you next week.

And we're out.

Good evening,

Hollister!

Hey, why don't you guys loosen the bandanas? Then you'd be able to walk

Never. Losing the bandanas.

Sorry. We've been in my office all night comparing record collections. My boy

here's got a thick bunch of tunes.

The old man didn't even know Babylon A .D. had a second album. Can you believe

that?

Rock! Let me hear you!

Come on!

All they're missing is the pyrotechnics.

Wait for it.

We'll tear your soul apart.

Hellraiser, drink.

I'm not very good at this game.

I know, right? I call it the they -say -stuff -and -I -drink game.

Hey, guys, I went by the place to try to find you. Oh, hell no.

What are you doing?

It's coke.

I don't like alcohol.

I don't like herpes either.

You're going baby to a bar.

Oh, sweet home Alabama.

Drink.

Adam, can I please talk to you?

Yes?

Can I talk to you?

Him? Who is that?

No, can I talk to you in private for a second?

I have to go potty anyways.

Best friend, Laura.

Let's go potty, best friend, Bailey.

Now, what is your problem now?

What is my problem?

She just went potty, Adam.

I'm going to buy another round for a wedding, okay? Um, Corey?

Actually, yes. I would love a whiskey straight. Thank you, Joe. Got it.

First,

I assumed this was just another one of your little jokes, but now I'm getting

worried you're actually hanging out with that girl.

What, do you think you're just going to go through your whole life?

Just being miserable towards everybody who's younger than you and still in

prime? Wow.

At least I can drive.

And wear a bra.

And these girls? Oh, they are still way in their prime, thank you very much.

Adam. I already did it, Mom.

What? What?

Yes. No.

18. What was the question?

I didn't ask you a question. Are you sure? Yeah. I thought you didn't. Okay.

Look, please tell me you haven't touched her.

No, I haven't touched her.

You know I'm bad at that stuff.

Well, thank God for that.

Oh, great.

You're still here.

Hey, everybody.

Bartender just changed shift. He's going to need IDs from everybody.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you, my love.

Space said you're all set there, Goldion.

What?

Do you remember that really awful horror movie you made me go see with you?

Orphan?

That. Okay.

I was skeptical of Bailey's age at first, too. I was. So I did one of those

things where you're like, let's compare ID photos, you know, so you can see the

other person's birthday.

She's 21.

She's not.

She is.

Go like this.

What is it? I don't know.

Go. Well, get it. Stop.

What was it?

Cat hair.

Axel.

My voice.

Okay.

What'd you wish for?

I'm not telling.

You can tell me. No way.

Why not? You can tell me.

What if you're in it?

Am I in it?

I'm not telling.

Just because she's young does not mean that she's a child. I can't believe

you're this stupid.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

I'm going to go throw up now.

Corey, stop.

Corey.

Let me go talk to her. I think we got off on the wrong foot, Steve.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, hey!

I'm still knocking?

Jeez, it's okay.

I have a la -la, too.

Besides, when my last two exes moved on, I was depressed for weeks. You haven't

even been walking long enough to possibly have two exes.

Oh.

Let's try this again.

Look, sweetie, I know you're at a difficult age.

I know you're on to me. So here's the deal.

You're not going to say another word and you're going to walk away.

I'm going to slit you open from your throat to

your belly button.

Are we?

We can be friends and play nice, Cory.

Oh, and by the way, you should really use some Dermalogica cream for those

wrinkles.

Thanks, Dermalogica.

What

are

you reading?

Your journal.

Those are my private thoughts.

Yeah, March 31st. Why did Subway get rid of the seafood and lobster

sandwich? At first, I thought they'd at least bring it back in the summertime.

But they didn't.

Sometimes I wonder why I go on, but I just do.

I just do.

Man, this is some deep shit.

If I'm going to be living in a guy's closet, I at least deserve to know

everything about him. Don't ever read my journal again.

Sorry.

What kind of grown man keeps a journal anyway?

Might as well have a pet hamster.

We did that joke last season.

We did?

Yeah. Remember Horace Pinker, the hamster and the ball?

I only watched my thing.

What's this really about?

You seem stressed.

It's my new girlfriend, Bailey.

Ever.

Well, I guess she and Corey got into a fight last week, and now Corey's like

MIA. Adam, you can always make a new best friend.

It's like I always say.

Last season.

Really? You gave me that speech last season.

Well, I'm becoming rather one note, aren't I?

Yeah.

Well, what... What about if I do this?

Whoa.

You can do that?

Want to have sex with me?

I'll pass.

Look, you can't choose who you love.

It's like Odorous Yerungus always says.

If your friends won't accept the one that you love, then pour Drano down

throats. so you'll never have to listen to anything they have to say ever again.

Look, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to be blunt. Are you

breaking up with me?

Holy quidditch, Harry Potter!

No, no, not at all.

Oh, you make me LOL.

In fact, I'm trying to tell you that I like you.

I like you.

Well, thank you.

And, well, I think it's time that we take our relationship to the

next level.

Oh. Yeah.

But first, I need to know.

Are you over, um... Corey?

Corey? Yeah.

Are you kidding?

No.

It's like, you, Corey.

Okay.

You will never, ever have to hear about her again.

That's her. Right there.

Oh, my God. What the hell is going on here? Hold on. We'll ask the questions.

What the hell is going on here?

Is he making fun of me?

That girl is underage.

She's pretending to be older than she is.

No, I'm not.

All right, all right, stop.

Let's see some ID, young lady.

Of course.

Officer?

Checked out.

Thanks, coach, for me, Miss Morgan.

Thank you. Wait, are you kidding me?

This little girl is crazy town.

She pulled a knife on me, and she's setting him up to go to jail for

rape. Whoa.

That's a serious allegation.

Rape is very bad and not funny.

If you rape, you ain't great.

Officers, I have never seen this Joan Rivers look like in my life.

Corey, why don't you do all of us a favor and get the hell out?

See ya.

Bye -bye. Wait.

Wait, she's not underage?

Hey, Bailey. Mm -hmm?

New Kids on the Block sucks.

Tis that.

Hey, but I'm just a fan that's not 20 years old.

Hey, Bailey. Mm -hmm?

One Direction sucks.

White people be crazy.

Woo -hoo!

Corey. I know.

No. You don't even have to say anything. I know you're sorry.

No, I was going to say... Matlock is on.

Good evening, Holliston.

Hey, boss.

Where's Dean?

He went home to live with his mother.

Once he found out I was broke and about to lose my job, I guess he just didn't

need me in his life anymore.

And we were going to start a Skid Row tribute band and everything.

I guess Youth Gone Wild just wasn't meant to be.

Well, speaking of Youth Gone Wild, I found out that my girlfriend, Bailey,

She was only 11 years old and a wanted sociopath.

Apparently, what she does is she lures older men into sleeping with her, and

then she threatens to blackmail them by saying she's going to go to the

authorities unless the dude will perform grisly murders for her.

Adam, did you not hear me? A skid row tribute band.

It would have been awesome.

I'm sorry your son left you, Lance.

Having children is for old people.

I'm only 23 years old.

This rocket was meant to rock it until every head is banging and every chick is

slapped.

No kids for this legend.

No way.

Not ever.

I'm looking for a guy named Tonto DeWitt. Long building, douchebag.

Man, if I don't get his bone marrow, I'm gonna die.

We got good.

If you don't believe us, we can make it.

But nothing can stop.