Original subtitles

I just cleaned up the place, and now you take the couch apart?

Two -thirty -six.

Ooh, plus, I found four mini -altoids.

That's my birth control.

Quick, help me clean up the sink!

Why are you so nervous about your parents visiting? I mean, even if our

messy, yours is immaculate, so who cares?

I do, because I want them to like you, and I may have told them things about

that aren't necessarily true.

Like what?

When I left Columbia, my father made me promise that no matter K, I wouldn't

break his heart and date some long -haired, white -trash, broke American

My hair's not that long.

So I told him you were Hispanic.

What? Love you.

Wait!

I just knew.

So where is this joke?

Hold on.

I'm in

debt. I regret.

And I haven't won the lottery yet.

I burst into the hole.

Then then then

Dork. Mad.

What's up, Scarface?

All right.

Who's been using my toothpaste?

Yesterday, it was there.

Today, it's... What the...

Good luck, girl.

Laura told us so much about you, but she never said

gorgeous. She didn't? She didn't.

Then, uh, who is this?

This is Joe's maid, Pablo.

He keeps the house clean, does the shopping, personal assistant stuff.

Poor, gorgeous Joe.

I thought your servant was Joe.

Oh, no.

family is originally from Bogota.

Joe's father's family is originally from Bogota, but he grew up here in the

United States, met Joe's mother, and the rest is history.

You're Catholic? Yes. I'm sorry?

Are you Catholic?

Uh, oy vey, that's a... Um, Joe didn't used to go to church, but I've been

changing that. He now loves it.

Praise Jesus.

Stop.

The toilet, please.

Quesadilla.

Thank you.

Bagel bar.

So, who's hungry?

Ready for dinner?

Starving. Me too.

You'll miss your production call.

Remember?

He's a workaholic. What can I say?

Actually, you know what's great, though? I think I could do both. I could do the

call and I could...

Stand up again and I will castrate you.

Put me back so I can go.

Screw you.

This is not my fault. You were there. You saw what happened. I was just trying

to help.

Okay.

Laura dropped it on me that her parents would cut her off and make her go back

to Columbia if they found out that she was dating someone like, well, me.

See?

That's why I'm like kick cereal.

Little boys, no, moms love me.

Okay, first of all, this is hilarious.

Second of all, I came over here because, do you guys remember John Anguish from

high school?

Anguish. That dick made our lives a living hell growing up. Biggest asshole

ever met.

Why? Okay, well, he connected with me on Facebook.

Apparently the poor guy's been battling serious addiction, and now he's

finishing up a rehab program.

Serves him right. That guy used to beat me up in the back of the bus.

Yeah, if you came here looking for sympathy, you came to the wrong place.

stop. Seriously, you guys, he overdosed three months ago and almost died.

He's not well.

He's a total... Go ahead.

No, please.

Go ahead.

Please. Okay, well, I am meeting up with him later because I guess the final

step in his rehab program is honesty. He's supposed to sit down with everyone

his life and shoot straight with them.

Do you guys want to maybe, like, come with me?

No. Are you kidding?

No way. Not ever.

You're not going to help this poor, poor guy all because he picked on you in

high school?

Joe, John Anguish really needs our help.

And if you can't find it here, you're retarded.

And cut.

Oh, amazing, Max.

I don't know. That last one felt kind of cheesy.

Cheesy? Yes.

Let's just do another take.

Trust me, you...

Happy with the spots, Max?

You know, I don't know. I mean, lately, I'm feeling like people aren't taking me

seriously. Are you kidding?

That one where you dressed up as a medieval knight rocked harder than

the final countdown tour.

That's what I was going to say, too.

Except not like that and not in spandex.

Who's Europe?

I've got to keep my office, Max.

I've got the first three albums on vinyl.

Joey Tepe's voice will change your life!

If we're going to save money and stay in business, you've got to get the clients

in and out faster. Boss, we're trying, but... Sounds good. Keep up the good

work.

Adam, new workout?

Show me your biceps.

I'm uncomfortable.

You're uncomfortable?

You've been great!

We've been having...

I'm trying to be cool about you posing as Laura's boyfriend and all, but if

we're going to be honest here, I prayed for you to get SARS last night.

Wait, is SARS even a thing anymore?

God, I hope so.

How can you blame me for this? You were there. You saw that I got roped into it.

Have you slept with her?

What?

No. What are you, crazy?

Have you thought about it, though?

Yes, but it was within 30 days of when you first started dating, so it's okay.

Fair enough.

Seriously, make her parents not like you fast.

Tell you what.

You come with me to meet with John Anguish, and I promise to screw up huge

front of Laura's parents.

Deal?

Deal.

But if you think sitting down with John Anguish is going to make Corey get back

into bed with you, you're an idiot.

Why would I need to get Corey in my bed when I've already got your girlfriend?

Is he... Is he kidding?

I mean, he... He wouldn't... He wouldn't really... Would he?

Mmm, I think I'm gonna eat some Mexican tonight.

So now Laura's parents think I'm Joe.

If I had a daughter, I'd much rather her marry Joe than you.

At least Joe's a real man.

You're like an even gayer hobbit.

Well, I don't want to screw over Laura with her parents, you know? But I also

have an obligation to Joe, and he wants me to mess up pretty big in front of

them, you know, so that they won't like me as much. But I don't want to screw up

too big and have them, like, really not like me. I just want to screw up, like,

just enough so that Joe can step in, and then maybe they'll sort of, like... Him

more, you know.

See?

Even gayer hobbit.

You're not helping, Odorous.

All right, here's what you do.

Punch Laura in the face. Just smash her across the kisser right in front of her

dad. And then say, woman, go get me a beer.

I don't hit women.

Well, neither do I.

But I understand it.

We need something a little less.

Well, why don't you show her mom your penis? I mean, that's a little bit less.

Oh, yeah, wicked funny. How would you even know what my penis looks like?

The eyes of odorous sea awe.

Well, then why don't you feast your eye on this?

Adam?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Uh, nothing.

Um, come, come on in.

Do you want to, you know, finish or what? No, no, I'm, I'm, I'm done.

So you already, you already finished?

No, I, I'll never be finished with, because I never started. So there's no

can, we just, come here, come in.

No.

I thought John English.

How'd it go?

Terrible.

Oh.

Shh.

He said that he thought I was dumpy in high school and that he thought I was a

stuck -up bitch for a chubby girl.

He said I dress like a stripper and that I stick out my boobs to hide my ugly

face. And he said I never find happiness because I broke up with you.

Well, I mean, sometimes the truth hurts.

Sometimes. I mean, not all of it. I like your boobs and your face.

I just, I can't believe that I sat there and I took it.

You know, but I really wanted to help him.

Yeah, well, you know what? You took one for the team.

And I'm proud of you for that. Wait, what does that mean?

Well, I mean, you don't expect Joe and I to go meet with him after that, do you?

Yeah, of course I do. We were the last three people he had to sit down with to

complete his program.

Yeah, but he's mean.

I mean, what if he hurts our feelings?

You're saying that I did this for nothing?

Did you hear what I said when I said he needs three people, not two? I'm only

one person. He needs two people.

He needs two. He needs you and Joe and me. Because otherwise, it's just going

be for nothing. Right. No, that's what I meant.

Is everything okay?

I heard crying.

Fine, fine. We're good.

Here.

Text John Awish and tell him to meet Joe and I at Casey's in 30 minutes.

Okay. We're doing this.

How did it go when Corey met with him?

It was good.

It was great. It was a nice time. Here, I'll tell you all about it. Let's go.

No, no, no. Let's go.

My outfits aren't slutty. They're cute.

You know, I think it's a little weird that we're meeting in a bar. I mean, I

in recovery.

So, just so you know.

So...

The reason that I did drugs for so long is because I was trying to escape who I

really am.

My counselor told me that if I really want to become a better person, if I

to learn how to love myself, then I got to take those people from the past who

I've hurt and be honest with them.

So here we go.

Honesty. Adam.

Wait, can we start with Joe? No.

Adam, the reason why I used to beat you up is because I was jealous of you.

Go on.

Exactly, but girls liked you. You seemed so happy with Cory and everything.

You had everything, and I had nothing, even though you're like an even gayer

hobbit.

Joke.

Seriously? Nothing else about Adam? Joe, the thing that really got under my

nerves about you was the fact that you...

seemed so passionate and headstrong and you had believed in yourself so much.

Like, remember when we were at graduation and you told everybody that

going to be a horror movie director?

I mean, you have to admit, that was pretty annoying.

Annoying? I'm going to Hollywood.

I'm going to be a great director. My name is Joe.

You have to admit, that sounds almost exactly like you. If somebody called you

on the phone with that voice, you would think it was Joe. But that's not the

point. The point is that you can see how a voice like that could drive someone

to use drugs, heavy drugs.

I am going to make movies. I am going to make movies.

Stop, man.

I'm being serious.

I'm trying to become a better person by being honest about how disgusting you

are, about how you think you're going to make it, but you're never going to make

it.

You're lying.

My moment.

I'm sorry that your life is in the shitter, and I hope and pray that you

whatever peace you're looking for. I honestly do. But I'm not going to sit

and let some asshole from my past cut me down again just to make himself feel

better. One day at a time, man. One day at a time.

You are a dick.

You know what I've learned?

There's a lot of dicks out there. Like John Landis.

Not me, and not this dick.

We are going to get shin pads made. Shin pads?

When they score, you die.

Let go and let God. Let go and let God, man. You made fun of me every day.

But guess who's laughing now?

Okay, over there.

Me!

Get out of here.

Oh, and, uh... If you ever make Corey cry

again...

I'll cut out your tongue and shove it up your ass.

Okay?

I need to ask you something before we leave.

You? Do you love my daughter?

Well, I mean, love's a pretty broad word. You know what I'm saying? I love a

of things. I love Army of Darkness. I love my Jenna Hayes fleshlight.

I love... Corey?

Corey. Who's what?

We've been here for a while, and not once have you shown affection to my

daughter.

We were just...

That's funny you say that, because I remember just before we were like, pound

it, boom.

Kiss her.

I want

to know if you really love my daughter.

Kiss her.

I can't do this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've got to be honest here.

I am an even gayer hobbit.

What's a hobbit?

I like men.

I'm into guys and second breakfast.

Enough. Oh, for God.

Mom, Dad, this is Joe.

You are dating the housekeeper? He's not the housekeeper.

It's just...

I know what a big deal it was for you when I left Columbia and moved to the

States. I wanted to make you proud, but Daddy, you had this whole list of things

about the type of guy you didn't want me to be with, and Joe sort of fits

everything on that list.

But I love him.

I love him so much that sometimes I can't even stand it.

When I'm not near him, it feels like every single one of my bones is

It hurts.

I guess I just don't want you to make me move back home because if I can't be

near Joey, my heart will stop beating.

You pretended to be the housekeeper and allowed a gay man to be with your

girlfriend? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No one's gay here.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Si. Lo siento si piensan que nunca se la loquezó.

Ella merece pedo. Si me dan una oportunidad, le puedo mostrar que si la

soy.

La amo.

Estoy loco por ella.

Lo suficiente loco coma para mí como la empleada de la casa.

Me moriría por ella.

Stole from high school.

I f***ing love you.

Do you really love this man, Laura?

I really love this man, Papa.

Does he make you happy?

He makes me happy.

Can he provide for you?

He makes me happy.

If you love this man, then... eventually...

We can too, maybe.

Are you guys leaving already?

Sí.

It was very nice meeting you.

It was nice to meet you, Corrie.

Su compañera se viste como una tripticera.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just glad it all worked out.

No, it didn't.

Something sent John Anguish into an out -of -control spiral. It's been all over

the news.

They found him dead in the back of Casey's crossing last night.

I guess he fell off the wagon, drank 30 beers, and carved the word honesty into

his wrist.

Oh, my God, I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh, no, no, come with me.

The toilets are super clean, thanks to Pablo.

If you don't believe us, we can make it.