Original subtitles

Dude, I've got a great idea.

What, like that time you bought that Chumbawamba CD and told everyone they

going to be the next Pink Floyd?

That was you.

Whatever, help me finish this inventory.

A found footage movie.

Found footage.

Whatever happened to true cinema and not selling out to passing fads and trends?

It's not selling out, it's... Evolving with the times. Think about it. We can

make an entire movie for literally nothing. We have everything we need

Dude, my scripts for movies like Faucethead of Death and Meet the

art, not commerce.

Look, we can barely finish a short film now that Kane Hodder's discovered

Scientology and run away.

Found footage is the way to go.

What's the premise?

We grab a camera, we grab the girls, we go out to Lake Winthrop for the weekend.

Done. No, what's the story? What's the plot?

You're the writer. You'll come up with something awesome.

What about... Ooh, how about this?

The Holliston Hobgoblin.

Boom! Done!

You're welcome.

What's a Hobgoblin?

Well, you know, it's just like a regular goblin, except it... Hobs.

Trust me. 48 hours from now, we'll have an entire movie in the can, and this

time next year, we'll be more rich and iconic than the Blair Witch God.

What were their names again?

Doesn't matter. They made millions.

Remember Blair Witch, too?

Stop being negative.

This is our ticket out of here. I can see it now.

The Halston Hobgoblin official selection of the Sundance Film Festival.

Sundance is cold, though. I need to buy a new coat. I don't have money for that.

Plus, you need to be famous if you actually want to go to any of the

Even getting tickets for your own screening. Fine.

Official selection of the L .A. Screamfest.

What the hell is Screen Fest?

Trust me, dude.

Holliston Hobgoblin.

The Holliston Hobgoblin.

Lance knows we can see him, right?

Yes.

Yes, he does.

I'm in debt.

I regret.

And I haven't won the lottery yet.

Advert. And to the whole, I ain't got no place to go. Why

doesn't anybody want me?

Why doesn't anybody need me?

Oh, hey, there you guys are, Adam and Laura.

We're so wasted.

No, no, no, not yet, not yet, not yet.

Sorry we're taking so long, Joe.

Cory's inside paying the tab.

We're so wasted.

What's with the camera? I told you, we have to document everything for this

trip.

Even this?

What does us drinking have to do with the whole... Those here are so weird.

no, no, no.

Sorry. Go.

What does us drinking have to do with the Holliston Hobgoblin? Well, I wanted

capture the atmosphere of this creepy and scary town. I mean, if the Holliston

Hobgoblin does exist, maybe the town itself has something to do with it.

The locals here are so weird. When I mentioned the Holliston Hobgoblin

that we're here from out of town working on, they practically kicked me out.

There's my gorgeous girlfriend.

What was that?

I go for lips, you give me cheek?

Joe, wait, wait.

Corey, Corey, you and Adam are supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend in the

movie. It'll get the audience more invested in you guys if you, when you

later, they'll be sad and stuff. Yeah, I know, I get that. But Joe, in Adam's

outline, every single scene has us making out.

You let her read my outline? Okay, hold on. Also, why do I have to wear this?

Seriously? I feel like I'm wearing floss.

Floss? It's a great outfit. Seriously. And look, the movie needs sex appeal,

and, well, you're it. So, back to one.

Okay. Uh, why can't I be the sex appeal?

Babe, because you're the classy one.

Oh, right. You mean she's the classy one? What does that mean? Okay,

here we go. In three, two, one, go.

Come on, get up.

I still don't understand why we needed to rent a hotel room.

We live here. This is stupid.

Dude, in the Blair Witch Project, they had a scene in a hotel room. So, come

We got to look professional like they are. So, hotel room.

It was my treat.

It was my treat.

It was our treat.

I paid for it.

I'm not doing this. There's no way home right now. Oh, you were totally doing

it.

And we kiss good morning.

No more kissing.

Holliston, Massachusetts.

A quaint little town founded in 1724 by the Pilgrims, Paul Revere, and Amelia

Earhart. This town has a long and scary history. From the mysterious balancing

rocks you see behind me, which some say were erected for satanic sacrifices.

and see the tales of torture on the farms of Cumberland, where locals still

you can hear the screams of horror on a full moon.

Hey, baby, how much?

This town has a scary, macabre, and scary history to it. But one word still

instills fear into the whispers of the elders and the nightmares of children.

The Holliston Hobgoblin.

What you're about to hate five, hate five.

Oh, yeah. The Holliston Hobgoblin is fast, kid. I remember when I was still

smoking diesel. Me and my boy, Sully, we used to go down Lake Winter with a

couple tall boys so the cops wouldn't bother us. Those motherfuckers.

And there was this one night. I'll never forget it.

I don't remember exactly what happened, but I noticed we turned around and the

Holliston Hobgoblin is staring right back at us, fracking.

And we didn't run away or nothing because there was nowhere else to drink.

I mean, the parking lot behind the middle school used to be a boss place to

party, but... Then they put up that chain -link fence, and you just couldn't

climb back up it once you were shattered.

This was a big problem, you understand?

In sixth grade, I got caught back there doing the Armied Beat.

The what?

The Armied Beat, kid. It's when you lick your armpit like it's a piece of vag,

and with the other hand, you do beat.

Cut! Cut!

Okay, Laura, you, your character is the authority on the Hobgoblin. Like, you

have, yeah, you've dedicated your whole life to uncovering the secret of the

Hobgoblin because you know that the Hobgoblin...

ate your sister when you were a kid. No, it's fake.

Corey, so you're really scared by all this. Like, this is terrifying to you.

you're also, like, you're incredibly horny.

So, like, you're scared, but you're turned on. I wouldn't be horny if I'm

really, really scared, though. It's a movie, Corey.

You're supposed to be. Thank you. Okay, and then I'm sort of, I'll be like the,

I'm like the heroic lead, like, who, like, kind of saves you guys.

And then tag teams both of you when it's over.

So you talk about the hot brother.

Oh.

Here we are. I'm the authority of the hot guy. Oh, wait, wait. You know

help? Like, I'll cue you by being like, wait, what was that? Like, I heard it.

Oh, can we say it was a role? Yeah, actually, how about this? Why don't I

you since, you know, I'm the director?

Action.

Roar.

That sounds like a hobgob. Oh, you didn't cue me.

Oh, I'm sorry. Action.

Roar. Wait, sorry, she was acting scared. You're not scared yet. You said

scared. No, no, you're horny.

That's what you said. You're horny until you... Joe, did you not say that? Yeah,

listen, listen. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, babe, babe, listen, I'm the director, I got this, so can you please

shut up and just get in your marks? Whoa, you do not talk to me like that,

Maybe,

um, if you just tell me, okay, direct me, and tell me where you want them to

and then I can leave. I will walk wherever you tell me to walk. Oh, so you

to be the director? No, not the director, in the scene. Tell me where to

in... the scene and they'll follow me there but you're not giving any

you're just yelling at us i'll do you one better how about this why don't you

grab the camera and shoot really crappy because that's what a writer usually

does i'll step in the scene and i'll take i'll take control of this all right

thank you okay okay that's fine but joe uh i'm gonna need to touch up your

makeup i'm not wearing makeup i'm not i'm a guy i don't need makeup adam's

wearing makeup

So, wait, how are we supposed to have a sex scene with 110 and all of us in it?

Hold up.

Who was supposed to be in this sex scene?

Relax, it was Joe and Laura.

You were supposed to go skinny dipping and already be dead.

Wait, I was supposed to die the first night?

Yeah, you read the outline.

I mean, come on, your character's the, you know, the revealing clothes we had

you in and the, you know... What, the slut?

No, actually, I believe it was written as whore, but slut works. Oh, whore.

That's so much better. You know, I don't understand why I have to be

objectified. Why can't I play, like, you know, like the really smart, well

-educated, not dumb, strong -willed... I find these

weird symbols hanging from the trees.

It must be from the hollis and the hobgoblin.

We must be getting close. I can feel it.

What do you think they mean? This is so creepy.

It looks like a warning. I think it's warning us.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's, uh... It's warning us, all right.

What are you guys laughing at?

It's warning us about, uh... A dick and balls.

What are you talking about?

Dude, that is a dick and balls.

That is a dick and balls? Am I wrong? You're right.

Ew. This is not a... This is not a dick and balls. This is like a weird...

pentagram thing it's like it's wicked no

i've never no i've never been no no i've never been out here before

in my life remember you were playing with your dick and balls i was not

with my dick and balls these are clearly pentagram -esque signs oh oh yeah yeah

yeah i see it oh yeah it's a pentagram you know I'm trying really hard out

guys. I don't see you guys out here putting... Joe!

What?

You're holding a dick and balls.

Never

have

I ever had sex at my parents' house

while they were home drinking.

Oh.

Come on. All right. You know what, though? I think technically you should

drinking to that one, too, don't you think? Okay, fine.

Mm -hmm. Fine, fine.

Give it.

You guys have the same parents?

Okay, I never, what is it?

Never have I ever. Never have I ever wet the bed

because I drank too much.

masturbated to human centipedes. Oh, my God! You watched me! Move on!

Never have I ever had a sex dream about my best friend.

I don't want to wake everybody up, but I'm pretty sure that there's something

outside of our tent.

I'm fairly alarmed here.

Please kill Joe first.

Please kill Joe first.

Hey, Adam!

Wake everybody up.

Oh, they can't hear me, remember?

Hey, guys!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I roam around here a lot at night.

Beats the rest stops I used to hang out at.

Some of those guys are freaks.

He nearly gave me a heart attack.

An alien monster walks out of your closet on a nightly basis, and that's no

problem. But you run into me at a haunted lake in the middle of the night,

suddenly you're all scared.

You are so lame.

We're making a... Wait.

Haunted lake?

Did I say haunted? Yes, you said haunted. Is Lake Winthrop haunted?

I didn't say anything about it.

Oh, is that Cory?

Yeah, so what?

Well, all I'm saying is that you're... sleeping two feet away from the girl

you've been in love with your entire life in a tent in the middle of the

and you're talking to me?

Are you sure there's not something that you want to tell me?

It's not like that anymore. We're just friends.

Well, uh, what if I told you that I had magical alien powers and that you

could touch her anywhere you wanted to and she wouldn't even wake up?

Are you serious?

Hey, I'm a magical alien from Scumdogia. Our motto is, if a

girl won't let you touch her, touch her when she's passed out.

So, I can seriously touch her anywhere, and she

won't wake up?

Not until after I say the magic words.

Mecca lecca hi.

Mecca hi ni ho.

Go for it.

Mecca lecca hi.

Mecca hi ni ho.

What are you doing?

There was a mosquito on your face. I got it. Sorry.

I thought I heard something outside of the tent, so I just couldn't sleep

because I was scared.

Okay.

Sorry. It's okay. Just go back to sleep.

No. Wasn't my character supposed to die last night?

Rewrite. Not enough cool, scary stuff has happened yet, so we've got to keep

around just a little bit longer.

What cool, scary stuff is going to happen today?

Nothing scary ever happens during the day. Wait, you mean we have to just sit

around here and wait for it to get dark again?

That's the beauty of a hard cut to a graphic that says Night 2.

What was that?

Dude. Seriously?

I hate camping.

What was that?

It was a fox.

Foxes don't laugh like hobgoblins.

Like something funny they do.

What would a fox think was so funny right now?

Get out of the tent! Get out of the tent! Go, go, go!

Stop, stop, stop, stop. What is that?

Laura? Oh my God, I'm going to kill you right now.

out here i was just trying to help make your movie good i scared the crap out of

us but at least not something happens in your movie no but before it was just

sticks and beans and cory looking bloody now i peed my pants oh for real

i almost did too no i actually peed my pants

We never have to talk about this ever again.

Okay, but that's too much. No, no more. I'm going home.

Wait, Corey.

Corey, don't go. Where are you going? No.

You are seriously a douchebag.

Really? You peed in your pants?

If anybody should have known not to be scared by any of this, it's you. You're

the one who made it up. It's your story.

Fine, okay.

Full disclosure.

I may have lied about lying. All right? You happy?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about right now? Look, dude, I just wanted to add a

authenticity to our found footage film, okay? So I went to the library and got a

book of local legends, and there may be a real story about the Hobgoblin, okay?

You jacked this story from somebody else?

This isn't even our thing to do any, to sell?

You've had me out here for three days camping and freezing my balls off?

For a story that we don't even own? Are you serious right now? Shh. Do you

really want to talk about this in the dark right now? Yeah, I want to talk

it. I want to know the truth right now.

Fine. The truth about the Hobgoblin is... Is

that seriously how you're going to end it?

Well, I mean, you know, there's still a little bit more work to be done with the

movie. I mean, we might maybe do some pickups or something, but that's...

The gist of it, yeah.

You're going to end with a graphic to go to a website to find more information.

Yeah, I mean, the devil inside did it, and that made $100 million.

I would have ended it before you found out it was really the Mexican chick.

I did like the part where you wet yourself, Joe.

You know, it really stole the fear.

It was scary.

And hot.

Well, thanks for watching, boss, but we got a show to host. Sir P's a lot.

Well, if you guys need an opening title song or anything, my band Diver Down

just wrote an original Van Halen song that would totally kick ass for this.

What's it called?

It's called Love It Down Your Throat.

About all of it. We get it.

Oh, yeah.

Well, have a good show. I gotta go rock and roll all night.

Ready. Party every day? I can't hear you!

And party every day?

You keep a shouting, you keep a shouting!

Welcome to the movie crypt. Joe with his pants last night.

I'm scared.

But not as scared as you're all going to be tonight during our epic double

feature of the original Paranormal Activity and...

Made in Manhattan.

One of them is the found footage masterpiece, and the other is a total

shit. So sit back, close your bedroom door tightly, and get ready to scream

head off, and then turn the channel when the second movie starts.

Made in Manhattan.

Yay.

Joe's so excited, he could just pee him. Don't!

We got.

If you don't believe us, we can make it.