Original subtitles

F.

Nine. Myth.

Damn it.

B.

Hick. Myth.

Hey, if we cast our mock trailer by the end of the month,

how many days do you think it's going to take to shoot it? Don't change the

subject. I'm concentrating here.

Sorry. Go.

Is it my turn?

Yes.

Okay.

H. We could shoot it in two days, easy.

Two? Miss.

What? No.

No, I wasn't saying H2. I was saying two days.

No. No way. You said H2.

Didn't. Didn't.

My turn. No, it is not your turn.

It's on the inflection. That was clearly a question, right?

I mean, I said two, as in two days, not two, as in eight, two, which is a move.

It's a tactical move on the battlefield. Not a question about life, like two,

two days. Listen, two, two, two, two. There's a difference.

Fine. Go again.

Thank you.

Cheater.

Eight.

Three.

that started last night? Please.

I'm trying to concentrate here.

Is it even possible to have a game last this long?

Please? I mean, even by accident, one of you should have hit the other fifth.

Babe. Sorry.

Keepin' my mouth shut.

Not saying one word.

I know. You told me that last night.

There you

have it. The epically awesome

conclusion to tonight's special presentation of Candyman. Huge thanks to

special guest this week, the one and only Candyman in the flesh.

Mr. Tony Todd.

Yeah, it was a pleasure being here with you guys.

You're welcome to have me.

Now, gotta be a fanboy here for a second and ask, how many shots were you in it

with real live bees?

A couple.

Any crazy stories about that?

No.

Awesome. Well, thanks to Tony Todd and thanks to all of you for watching The

Movie Crypt with Adam and Joe.

See you next week.

Wait, wait, wait.

There was one strange thing that did happen. The first day they brought the

out and I had to introduce myself, you know, to be cordial.

Mr. Todd, we're not on the air anymore.

What?

Well, the show's over.

Why are you still asking me questions?

Thank you so much for taking the time out to be on our show, Mr. Todd.

Please call me Candyman.

Candyman, really, we've never had a guest on as huge as you. Yeah, I lost a

Actually, our numbers are rising. They're going up. I'm just kidding.

Just kidding.

You need to get a thicker skin there, Steve.

It's Joe.

Joe! Okay, Joe, let's go, go!

Well, let's party!

Where we gonna drink?

You. Want to go out drinking with us? Well, not unless you don't know how to

treat a movie star to a good time.

I want to tear some shit up.

I want to make discoveries, you know, like Mick Jagger style.

I want to throw a TV out of a hotel room window. I want to paint this town red.

Boys, tonight I'm going to show you how we do it Hollywood style.

Our night out is going to be a remake? Yeah, but it's going to be in three

triple D.

Let's go.

Dude. Dude.

Wait.

Dude.

Dude.

Did last night really happen?

Depends. In the middle of the night, did I get up and yak in your sink?

Weird science.

I can't believe we hung out with Tony Todd.

I can't believe how much he could drink. Hey, at least he picked up the tab.

What a great guy.

Seriously.

Before you went to bed last night, did you look in the mirror and say Candyman

five times?

No.

Yes. What's wrong with... Shh!

You're gonna wake him up.

Morning! Shh!

Ah!

Run before you kill someone!

Shh! It's okay, it's okay.

Candyman is just a character he plays in movies.

What's Candyman?

Oh, man!

That's racist!

So, who's going to make me my wife?

Any luck finding an apartment yet?

Well, we might have actually found one, but the asking price is a little high.

We'll find one soon, though, because living with my parents is getting out of

hand.

You know, with all the drugs and sex swings.

And the dog fighting in the basement, which is where I think you got me

pregnant.

We're going to have a baby.

Surprise! You're a father!

Kevin.

Kevin!

Oh, I can't help you move.

Surgeon's house.

You weren't even listening to me.

But thanks a lot for the help.

Don't be needy, Cory.

Needy. Oh, oh, needy. I'm sorry, I didn't realize asking my boyfriend to

when I tell him I'm pregnant was being needy. Oh, another interception. Are you

kidding? What was that?

Kevin.

Kevin!

I'm pregnant.

No, you're not.

Well, what if I was?

But you're not, so who cares?

pancakes. No, no. You and me, we're done.

Stop being emotional.

Your period will be over in a few days.

I am breaking up with you!

How?

Corey, every nurse wants to marry a doctor. Wasn't that the whole reason of

going into nursing school?

Actually, it was to learn anatomy, so I'd know an asshole when I saw one.

with you.

Why don't you go mess with yourself?

You're gonna need to get used to it.

Oh, you got served.

Oh!

No, actually...

The idiot right here.

No, what?

Hey,

um, are you sure this isn't strawberry syrup?

No, no, no.

Generic maple, much cheaper.

Okay, if I see one strawberry, I...

for some shut -down. You have to take me to the hospital.

Oh, no, no, no. No strawberries here.

In fact, those are our last two waffles.

Oh.

So, what do you do?

We're actually filmmakers.

Yeah? Anything I might have seen?

Oh, not yet. But we're about to shoot a mock trailer to help finance our first

feature film.

In fact, we're actually...

casting now, so maybe you can... How much?

Well, there's no pay.

No pay? Well, you're funny, man.

I like you.

Apparently, though, it's called Shinpads, and it's about an undead

Weird.

I just finished a film about an undead soccer team, and it was called...

I survive.

Hey,

bring

me another beer.

The game's on.

I'll run to the store and get some more.

Are you nuts?

Just get a six pack. Hey, hey, hey, grab a whole case of Bud Light.

A case?

You tell him no.

Glad we... What are you, blind?

God just repressed grace. He was inbound.

Tell me, man. Gotta tell somebody.

I'll get the beer.

We can't afford a high -def TV.

I'll buy you one.

You'll buy us a TV? Yeah, I'll buy it and take it with me when I go.

Yo,

Candyman, speak.

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, where you guys at?

Boston?

I'm in, uh... What's the name of the show again?

Holliston. It don't matter.

Hey, I'll text you the address.

Yeah, bring everybody over. Bring the whole gang on. We're going to watch the

game over here.

Cool. Peace.

Text your address to the guy I was just talking to.

Uh, okay.

Is, um, somebody coming over?

Oh, imagine that.

My beer is empty.

I think there's one more in the fridge. I can go get it for you. Hey, Holmes.

You got any crystal meth?

Oxycontin?

Ritalin?

Multivitamin?

Every guy I date is such a loser.

I'm sorry.

Dating sucks.

What would you know about it? You haven't been single for years.

Adam and I introduced you to Joe freshman year. You've been pretty much

ever since.

True. My relationship is perfect.

It must be nice to be so happy.

It really is.

Maybe I'm just meant to be single.

Whatever.

Love is overrated.

Yeah. It really sucks to have someone to share your life with.

To be there for you no matter what.

To hold you when you sleep at night.

To build a future and to grow old with.

And... I get it.

I was just trying to help.

Try less.

There's always your childhood sweetheart and the one we all know you're going to

end up with in the end anyway.

Um, he's short, but not really that short.

He's funny.

Not really that funny, I guess. He sort of makes horror movies, but not real

ones.

He lives with Joe.

You dated him for years. His name is Adam. Adam?

Oh, that's a good idea. What about Adam?

What's his order right now, Laura?

I tried.

Might as well bring back the robot.

I think I have a contact high.

Do I have a contact high?

It kind of feels, it kind of feels, it kind of feels like there's a beautiful

woman roaming my temples with two Muppets. Is that possible? Am I fat?

You stand to lose a few pounds. We need to get these people out of our

apartment. What do you want me to do?

Wait.

Act like we're leaving.

Why?

Well, look at that game.

Seriously, it's been a blast, everybody.

Yeah, thank you guys for coming. It was really fun.

Glad y 'all could make it. We had a wicked good time, but we have that other

thing that we're late for, so we gotta go.

Sports are fun.

Bye -bye.

That didn't work.

I noticed.

Now what do we do?

Eat some chips. You'll be fine.

All right, everybody.

Candyman's depressed.

It's a wrap.

Bye -bye.

Adios.

Beat it!

Right this way. Thank you. Hot lasagna.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Uh, Troller?

You look lovely.

Nice tie.

Excellent boobs.

Back.

Controller. That's all you, my friend.

Robot.

Really?

Really?

Did you get everything?

You know what? This place is a pigsty. You guys really need to pick it up.

But you know what? It's time for a nappity -nap -nap.

You know what I mean?

Okay, so... Could you keep it down?

So... This is really starting to aggravate me and make me wicked

hungry. Let's just ask him to leave.

What? Why don't you ask him to leave?

I don't want to make him mad. He's Candyman.

We can't have him living on our couch and throwing parties like this.

Okay. He's not living on our couch, all right?

No, I think... I don't know.

Cool.

I'm sure after his shower, he'll be on his way.

He's not going anywhere.

It's like he's moved in.

He didn't move in.

Although, he did put his name on the buzzer outside.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What's with all the bags?

Oh, these?

Just my depression and anger in the form of new clothes I absolutely couldn't

afford to put on my credit card.

I broke up with Kevin.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You know, relationships are hard.

And breakups are even harder.

But if you need anything...

To help you get through this difficult time.

Like, I don't know.

A friend to take you to dinner.

A show to cry on.

You can sleep with me to get back at him if you want.

I would do that for you.

I hate rap.

Who is in your shower?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me. Try me.

Um, Tony Todd?

Tony Todd, the actor? Why is he in your bathroom?

Good question, Adam.

Okay, look.

He's only here for a few hours.

He's a great guy.

He bought us drinks.

I love him.

I mean, I have loved him ever since I saw The Rock.

He was great in that.

He's like one of the greatest actors of all time.

He certainly is.

He's on my list of people I want to sleep with before I die.

Me too.

What?

God, I was looking for a razor, and all I found was this funky toothbrush.

I hope this doesn't belong to nobody.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Oh, you know what? I think we might have met briefly this morning. I had to

borrow one of your bathrobes.

Your name is Allison?

Sure.

Well, I'm going to call you beautiful.

You are?

Single.

That's Corey.

She has crabs.

Corey.

That's like one of my favorite female names. Shut up. Yes.

No. Yes.

No. You know what? I got to go change some clothes. Oh, don't bother with

No clothes.

Fine. I'll be right back.

The socks are hot.

Candyman's got to die.

Nimniac.

Nimniac.

Nimniac.

Nimniac.

Nimniac. Seeing Candyman backwards five times in a mirror is not going to make

him go away.

I don't hear any better ideas out of you.

How about this?

Why don't we just tell him to leave?

Okay. Why don't you tell him to leave?

I will. I don't care.

Fine. Good.

Do it. I will.

Good.

Fine. Fine.

Why don't you do it now?

I will.

As soon as he gets home.

Awesome skeleton, babe.

I still need to give him balloons. I want this to be a happy picture.

Candyman bought you ice cream? I know it really, but... Cory, you're the kind of

girl you just want to buy ice cream for.

That's my line.

Can I, um, speak to you for a minute?

In private.

You like toys, huh?

I like toys.

No,

there's nothing wrong with a guy your age collecting dolls.

Uh, I don't see a Candyman hatching figure.

Hmm.

So, I'm glad you called this little meeting to order here, because there's

kind of something that I need to talk to you about.

It's cool, man.

This goes over here.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, our apartment...

It's not very big, as you can see.

And it's just that Joe and I are about to become just wicked busy with our

trailer. You know what? It's all right. You do? Yeah.

That movie I was telling you about, the remake of Dr.

Giggles, the production just got pushed back for three weeks.

So if you need help on your trailer... You'll be in our trailer? Hell

no, man.

I'm a seasoned actor.

I'm an experienced thespian.

You're gay?

Thespian.

You're gay?

Actual.

Oh. Yeah.

I've been on like 7 ,000 sets in my life, man. What I've seen, it's all up

and it's priceless.

You know, I appreciate that offer, Candyman. I do. But unfortunately,

were going to be in our trailer... Oh, it's okay, man. You know what? I'll even

direct it.

We are going to direct it. That's the whole point. All right. You know what?

can close that deal.

So what I wanted to ask you, be real nice if I could borrow your bed, man.

Why do you need to borrow my bed?

That chick out there, she's ready to flip.

And I don't want to break your couch, you know? That's where I go.

I go.

I mean, real.

Come on.

You're a rich and famous actor. Can't you get a hotel room? I'll buy you a

room. I don't like hotel rooms. They make me lonely.

Plus, I'm allergic to certain fabric softeners.

You really need to just... Thanks, man.

You owe me.

Little red birds are useless against these green pigs.

Hey,

Odorous. Oh, hey, Adam.

Odorous, what do you do when you have a house guest that's overstaying his

welcome and won't leave?

Oh, that's easy. How about you get on the Internet, you find a bunch of

of naked, underage chicks, then you put them together in Photoshop, and you get

them arrested.

Right, but then I would have to go and find illegal pictures of naked underage

girls. I'm not going to do that.

Like you use a computer for anything else around here.

Jeez, I'm giving you gold here. You're just not working with me.

What are you doing?

Pilates.

Odorous, you're not taking this seriously enough.

It's more complicated than you think.

Like, not only will this guy not leave...

But tonight, he's going to have sex with the girl that I love in my bed.

It's hard.

Sucks to be you.

Okay, but what if it's somebody that you really admire, right? Like, what if

it's like a celebrity and you don't want to burn that bridge?

That reminds me of a little phrase we have back on my home planet of

When life gives you lemons, you make... lemon lemon stuff and then you get

plums or maybe it's back to the lemons anyway you get fruit and you shove it up

your ass what you don't seem to understand is this guy is a celebrity he

genetically superior life form you are an insignificant pot of maggot

puke Therefore, I advise you to continue to let him have sex with your

girlfriend, hang around at your apartment, and basically steamroll over

aspect of your life.

He is famous.

You are not. You suck.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Who'd you say this guy was, anyway?

Candyman? Candyman is in the house!

Seriously!

Get the fuck out of the house!

What do you think? Should we leave the website up throughout the commercial or

just at the end?

Yeah.

Well, which one?

The one that you said.

Dude, you gotta snap out of this depression.

We have an important commercial to finish here.

Howdy, folks.

At Crazy Max's Discount Mart, I'm always trying to wrangle the best deals for my

customers.

Look, I know this sucks.

No, you don't.

Dude, Candyman is gonna have sex with Corey tonight.

In my bed.

She's your ex -girlfriend, dude. Look, it's none of your business what she does

with her... What are the kids calling vaginas these days?

Vaginas. Gross!

What's up, dude?

Listen, I made that Crazy Max commercial to the client by five o 'clock.

Copulate? Uh, don't you mean compute?

No.

Comprende? No.

Capiche? That's it.

Man, you look like someone ran over your pet hamster.

I'm kind of having girl problems.

Well, lay it on me. Uncle Rocket can set you straight.

I'm pretty confident that's not true.

We have a house guest that won't leave. And to make it worse, he's totally

moving in on the girl that Adam's been in love with for like a decade.

And what are you doing about it?

Nothing.

The problem is, it's Tony Todd.

The actor?

Yes. Man, have you seen an episode of 90210?

He was amazing as Dr. Julius Tate.

Can I meet him? No, you can't meet him. See, this is the problem. This is

exactly what I'm talking about.

Everybody is so starstruck by celebrities that we let them just, like,

over us. But you know what?

I've had enough.

I'm not scared of Candyman anymore.

Candyman needs to get his candy ass out of our house.

Candyman can go screw.

I don't care if it's Candyman or Brad Pitt.

I'm not going to just sit here and let Candyman... Shh.

What? You almost said his name five times?

Seriously, dude, don't do that again.

I've had it.

I'm not going to take it anymore.

We're not going to take it anymore.

This joke is awkward for me in a number of ways.

Strawberries. What?

Candyman is allergic to strawberries, remember?

I say we poison the bastard. Give him hives or something. Get him out of the

house. I probably shouldn't be hearing this.

Dude, you don't know about his allergies. What if it kills him?

Even better.

Sounds pretty extreme.

You know what, Joe?

When life tosses your salad, shove lemons or plums up its ass.

I have no idea what that means, but now you're talking.

went Jill Candyman.

Wait, what?

First, we need to finish Crazy Mac's commercial.

You finish it. I'll come back and get you.

I'm gonna go get the strawberry at Market Basket.

Strawberry.

ice cream?

Yep. Gonna mix the strawberries up in it so we can't tell the difference.

But if he's allergic to strawberries, wouldn't he just not eat it?

Yeah. See, dark chocolate works much better in disguising strawberries.

Shut up.

What are

we

going to do once he eats the ice cream?

We leave.

If we weren't here when it happened, it can't be our fault.

Shit! He's one out of movies he's been in. Come on, come on!

you're just going to randomly hand him ice cream.

Yeah. Don't you think that looks a little suspicious?

Hey, boys!

Hi. Hi.

Listen, can you just go in my room for one second? We've got to have a little

chat with Candyman.

Why can't I hear?

Fine. Stay here and don't say a word.

Is it about Cory? Because I... Shh!

Oh, man.

Here, I need some more toilet paper.

More TP.

Got you, CM.

Here. You gotta try this. It's wicked good. So good.

What is it?

Ice cream.

Mmm. Ice cream? Nope.

It's good stuff, huh?

Yeah. What is this, like chocolate?

Strawberry?

Precisely.

These strawberries are wicked fresh, man.

But you're allergic to strawberries.

They make you stop breathing.

I guess I'm not allergic to strawberries after all.

see nothing.

Don't panic. I've got this. You get me three large trash bags and one bottle of

bleach. You grab his feet. Grab his feet!

I guess I'm not allergic to strawberries after all.

So, you ready for your big date?

Big date?

Man, that Corey was a bust.

I had to kick her butt to the curb, man.

What? Yeah.

That Koi was nothing but a big tease.

The other day, I tried to make a move on her and lay a kiss on her, and she was

like, what are you doing?

And then I had the wrong impression of her, and she wasn't like that, and blah,

blah, blah, blah.

She said that?

Yeah, you should have told me she was such a loser, man.

I spent two days laying groundwork on that chick.

That skank wasn't worth the $4 I spent on an ice cream cone.

Get out of our apartment.

What were you saying?

You heard me.

You can sit here and push us around and overstay your welcome, but you're not

going to talk about Corey like that to me.

You better watch what you're saying, little man.

I don't care if she's my girlfriend or not. She's my friend, and she's probably

the coolest chick that ever lived.

You wasted $4 buying her ice cream?

That girl is worth... all the ice cream in the world.

So take your celebrity bullshit and your Candyman hook, which is totally

awesome, and beat it.

Whoa.

Hello? It's my agent.

Yo, what?

Dr. Giggles is a girl.

You're lucky.

You're talking to your hand.

Um, how long were you standing there?

Long enough.

Um, that was so weird, because I was... Candyman and I were...

If

our friendship wasn't already so complicated,

that ice cream line so would have gotten you laid tonight.

I got you ice cream.

Thank you.

Well, that's taken care of. Now, can we please just get back to making the shin

pads trailer because we really have a debt.

What's wrong?

Is there strawberry in this ice cream?

Yeah, I cut them up myself.

I'm a lord of the strawberries.