Original subtitles

Welcome back to the Movie Crypt.

I'm the better host, Adam.

And I'm Academy Award winner, Joe.

Academy Award winner, bad nothing.

No. As a special treat, we thought we'd give all you boils and ghouls a little

lesson in a horror movie essential, fake blood.

That's right. And soon to be masters of horror ourselves, once we make a movie.

Tonight we're going to show you how to make your own cost -effective and highly

practical fake blood for your own independent scarefest.

That's right. With just a few household items, you'll be on your way to painting

the screen redder than Captain Jack Sparrow's death in A Nightmare on Elm

Street. First up is the simple cut or bloody wound.

Just take some basic baking items like corn syrup, red food coloring, and corn

starch, and... Voila!

Instant gross!

And even better, it's edible.

Sometimes a shot calls for something a little more over the top. Perhaps blood

spraying out of someone's mouth. Now, you could use the same ingredients Adam

just mentioned and add some mouthwash, but what we've concocted tonight is the

more classic formula used by such groundbreaking effects artists as Dick

in The Exorcist. By using PhotoFlow, your fake blood will have a true opacity

and flowing texture to it. It moves and feels like real blood.

Now, today, people never really use photo flow blood on living people due to

fact that it's the same chemical used to clean film.

Ingesting even just a little photo flow can result in extreme diarrhea or, in

some cases, death.

What?

Our final example tonight, the geyser effect.

Let's say you're using a chainsaw and a human body is exploding all over a room.

For that, just take water, food coloring, and zinc oxide and fill up a

fire extinguisher. Now, for our demonstration tonight, we actually

any zinc oxide, so instead, we went full food coloring. You'll want to be

careful with this as to not get it on the skin or in the eyes as it could

a person for several days.

Ah, you ready?

Let's do it. Here we go.

What? My eyes!

That's right, folks.

Food coloring burns.

Now, for effect, tonight we use methicill in our spray. But you need to

careful, because methicill can be insanely slippery.

Little known fact, methicill is the same ingredient used in KY jelly and other

sex lubricants.

Now you're ready to make your own gory horror flick, and maybe have some great

summer camp style sex at the same time. But now, back to William Lustig's

Maniac, here on The Movie Crypt.

It burns!

Academy Award winner, my ass.

I'm in debt.

I regret.

And I haven't won the lottery yet.

That burns.

Into the hole.

I ain't got no place to go.

Why doesn't anybody want me?

Why doesn't anybody need me?

I had to aim the fake

blood in my eyes. You let me put film cleaner in my mouth.

It wasn't on purpose.

You were supposed to make the fake blood from scratch. That was the whole point.

I wasn't going to pay for all those ingredients.

Water, cornstarch.

What am I, made of money?

We make it big, we're moving.

I call dibs on the shower first. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.

Are you kidding?

What? Look at me?

Yeah, but you take forever. I'm quick.

It's called manscaping. You should try it sometime, Afro nuts.

I'm not standing in your fluff.

I have toxic blood all over me, huh?

So have Axel lick it off.

He won't mind. He eats light bulbs, for Christ's sakes.

Touché.

Axel. Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.

Cat.

Axel.

Axel, buddy.

Did you leave the sliding door open?

No.

Yes.

He's a mentally challenged cat.

He can't fend for himself outside. What's wrong with you?

Mentally challenged? We can't say retarded anymore?

The network decided that they don't like that word.

Whatever! I always leave the sliding door open. It's not like he knows the

difference between open and closed.

You're helping me find him.

Fine. I'll help you find your brain -dead cat.

What single guy keeps a cat these days anyway?

Might as well have a hamster.

I had a hamster.

Somebody left the sliding door open, remember?

Will you let it go already, dude? Just let it go.

Poor Horace Pinker.

Little guy never stood a chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on, come on.

Hamster's been gone for a year. He's not coming back.

You don't know that.

I mean, we're out here looking, right?

I just miss him so much.

Wait.

Did you hear that?

Down there.

What?

Oh, dude, right there.

Axel!

You know...

Maybe it'd feel more comfortable coming back to you if you didn't verbally

sexually assault it.

Axel, come here.

Come here, cat.

Yeah, that's working. Come here.

Come here. Come here, you cat. Are you sure that's him? Come here, you stupid

animal. It kind of looks like a skunk.

Wouldn't be the first time.

They're kind of like Bert and Ernie, only they dress slightly better and I'm

sleeping with Bert.

That's right, Cory.

You slept with Ernie.

You slept with Ernie.

Oh my god, are you guys okay?

What happened?

Do you need to hide a body?

We got skunked.

Again? What do you mean? again.

When have we ever gotten stunk before?

Just checking.

I think I'm gonna toss.

Dude, if you puke in this tub with me in it, I will stab your eyes out.

You made me drink Photo Flow.

You drink Film Clear?

Why would you do that?

Joe, if you needed beer money, I could have helped you out.

It wasn't to get drunk. It was an accident.

But do you have ten bucks?

Please.

Help us.

What do we get? What do we get? Tomato juice?

No, no, no, no. Vinegar works faster. Do you guys have any vinegar in the

apartment? Do you have any idea how expensive vinegar is?

Three bucks.

They don't have vinegar.

Okay, look. Laura and I, we're going to go to the store. We're going to get the

vinegar. You guys just stay right here.

I don't know which end it's coming out of, but that photo pole's coming back

fast.

Dude, do not toss it. Do not puke in this tub.

Time to go.

Wait. Did you want to hear about my day?

Not now, babe.

Always about you.

Where are we going to find vinegar in Holliston at midnight?

Cumberland Farms is open 24 hours, right?

What time does Market Basket open?

You mean Market Basket?

Market Basket.

No, the emphasis is on Market.

Market Basket.

Market Basket.

No, Market Basket. Market Basket.

Market, market, basket.

Market, market, basket.

No, say market, market, then basket.

Market, market, basket.

It's market, basket.

Market, basket.

Market, market, market, basket.

Market, market, market, basket.

Try whispering basket.

Market, basket.

The emphasis isn't on basket. Do you know what emphasis means?

No. So say the first part loud.

Market loud.

What is this about market basket?

Market basket. Market basket.

Just repeat after me. Market basket. Market basket.

No, use your inside voice. Like, use your... Basket!

Sorry, dude. Just don't.

Okay.

I think it might pass out.

You're not going to pass out.

Deep breath deep breath

even close.

Uh, excuse me, do you guys have any more vinegar out back?

Uh, there is no out back.

What you see is what we've got.

Satan.

What about salad dressing? Salad dressing is vinegar, right? Yeah, it

not enough.

Besides, we're trying to neutralize the odor, not marinate it.

Well, we tried.

It's not our fault those two douches got skunked.

Wait, that's it.

Feminine wash.

Yes.

Feeling not so fresh?

No, no, douche is almost all vinegar.

See, that's why you're a nurse and I'm an artist. You're smart at useless

I'm cute, talented, and fun to be around.

I win.

I got skunked.

Why would you want to go and do something like that?

It was an accident.

We were trying to find Axel.

You smell rank.

Kind of like a sewer rat feasting on the remains of a dead pregnant cat.

I know.

But we... Wait.

Why did the dead cat have to be pregnant?

I don't know. It just was.

But that's sad.

All right.

It's just a dead cat.

What am I going to do, Odorous?

Well, on my planet, we do have a saying for... Well, actually, no, we don't have

a saying for this.

I need to get the smell off of me. Help!

Yeah,

very well.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm going to pee on you.

But that's your jellyfish thing.

Yes, gums get vinegar.

Then why were you going to pee on me?

Why not?

The girls already went to get vinegar.

Oh, fine.

If you don't need me, I'll just go back to my closet.

Wait, no, no, no, stop.

Please. Just stay here and hang out with me. Keep me company.

Please.

No.

Fairweather's friend!

Where am I?

Oh, good.

You're back.

Oh, yeah.

I kind of puked in the tub.

This joke writes itself.

I'm kind of a hurry, if you don't mind.

Feeling not so fresh?

I already wrote that joke. Thanks.

I think I'm just trying to... Lighten the mood, right? I mean...

It's all right.

It's like the old Nintendo games.

Hold on a second.

Bottom leaves, two units, five ounces.

There's two girls up here and they're getting like 15 boxes of douches.

That's like seven and a half boxes of douches per girl, so that's like,

I don't know, do you split a douche? I think he got it.

ladies up to tonight?

Watching our star like pits.

What's your name?

They didn't give me a name.

Just clerk.

Really? That sucks for your credits.

Yeah, I know, but I figure when I update my resume, I'll just make up a name.

I was thinking Detective McManus.

Detective?

That's awesome.

That totally sounds like a lead. Oh yeah, definitely.

At least a co -star. Hey, clerk.

Did you say morning paradise or island splash?

I said autumn leaves.

Oh.

Hold on.

Hey, babe.

Feeling not so fresh? Actually, I am very fresh.

Yeah, I am. My vagina, it smells like a mixture of high school and a brand new

action figure right out of the package.

In fact, it might just smell like the freshest thing you've ever smelled in

whole life.

Only you never know for yourself.

Now.

My purchase?

Step right up and say it now, bitch.

That's $5 .99 on the odd leaves.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Get that vagina.

You're bad at going... Bad.

Bad.

Before you pass out again.

I drained the tub, and I added fresh water, so it's cool.

Oh, thank God.

I even added bubbles.

A delightful touch.

You could have warned me that you had taken off your boxers.

You left yours on?

Um, yes.

Sorry, I mean, at this point, screw modesty, right?

Oh, I can't see the clock, but it feels like the girls have been gone for like

an hour.

I'm sure they'll be back in a minute. They're fine.

Okay, let's get our minds off of it.

Let's talk about something else.

Okay. What? Remember the time in sixth grade when Scott Barnes threw up all

the Ferris wheel?

It was great.

Something else.

Top three John Carpenter flicks. Go.

Rents of darkness.

Nice.

And the... They live?

Spit it out, man!

Well,

at least this night can't get any worse.

Stop right there, ladies.

Thanks for the tip, clerk.

You're welcome, police officer number one.

Actually, it's officer Pappas.

Lucky.

What exactly do you girls think you're doing here?

They'll never take us alive.

Run!

Calm it down, miss.

Look,

what are you ladies doing with all this feminine hygiene product?

Oh,

our friends got skunked in the store without a vinegar.

Vinegar, really?

I'm a registered nurse. I know these things. This is profiling and you know

Ladies! I'm afraid we're going to have to take you down to the station.

What? I don't understand.

We've been monitoring the area for an alleged brothel.

Brothel? That's French for whorehouse.

Pass over the douche and let's go.

Come on.

Today. Let's go, ladies.

I'm feeling so fresh.

Been at least three hours by now.

They left us.

They didn't leave us.

Well, they definitely forgot about us.

All right, maybe they forgot about us, but they definitely didn't leave us.

What's the difference?

I'm working on it.

We might die in here.

In the bathtub together.

What are my parents going to say?

We're not going to die.

Maybe we'll be permanently scarred, but we won't die, okay?

If we do die, something I've never told anybody before.

In fourth grade, I punched Kyle Snodgrass in the face at recess.

I fled, kid.

He kept giving me nasty looks.

He was blind.

I know.

But it was the only fight I ever won.

Okay, your turn.

What?

You confess something now.

No.

You don't have a single embarrassing moment to share?

No, I'm just not taking any part of this.

Can I take the Snodgrass story back? Too late.

One more time from the beginning.

We already told you our friends got skunks, so we got some douche to get it

of them.

And where are the friends?

In their apartment.

In the bathtub.

Together? Yes!

Now for the last time, we don't know anything about a brothel.

Okay, one more time then. Who exactly are these friends?

One of them is my boyfriend, the other one is her ex. Don't I get the last meal

or something?

That's for people on death row.

What? I want my phone call. I need a phone call.

Ladies, you're not under arrest.

I'd like to speak to my lawyer.

Really? Yeah.

All right.

Let's call him up right now. What's that phone number?

617 -8912.

12.

It's not even a number.

I don't really have a lawyer.

Yeah. And you don't really have friends in a bathtub waiting for vinegar, do

you? Oh, this is ridiculous.

I told you we should have got a market basket.

Market basket.

Market basket.

No, market, not market. Basket. Market basket.

Market basket.

Whisper the basket.

Market basket.

No, loud whispering. What's with the loud whispering? It's market basket.

basket. No. Excuse me. Actually, the inflection would be on market. So we're

like market basket. See? Market basket. Market basket.

for this this time. Madame Samantha's going to take the fall.

Madame who?

I don't know the street name or anything, but I can take you there if

us to show you where it is.

Great. Let's go.

I suggest you cuff us first so that we don't jump out and run like last time.

And you might want to put a Hannibal Lecter mask on this one.

Yeah, I don't... I don't know her. Whatever, Kaiser Sosa.

Actually, Kaiser Sosa.

Whatever.

One,

two... Ooh!

Your turn.

I don't like this game.

Go!

What now?

Are we out of things to throw?

Let me check.

Empty. You?

Let me check.

Whoa, look what I found.

six degrees of Robert Englund. No thinking games right now, okay?

What if the girls got into a horrible car accident?

Way too serious of an event for the third episode.

When did Jesse get addicted to speed?

That was like season two, episode nine.

And when did Zack and Screech get into that drunk driving accident?

Season four, episode ten, dude.

I guess you're right.

Without food?

This is going to turn into our own version of Cannibal Holocaust.

How could you?

Get out of the tub.

What are you, crazy?

At this point, what is sitting in here even doing for us?

So you're just going to get out?

Well, yeah.

Fine. What?

Just go. Get out.

Why cuz you're leaving me in here to go it alone.

No because I'm not wearing any boxers I'll look away

The hell was that? What?

I decided to stay.

It was cold.

But you couldn't put on some boxers first?

Is this

it?

The girls are all in back.

Alright, you can come in.

Where's everybody?

I don't know what that means.

In back.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait.

No funny business now.

Yeah, Corey.

Be cool.

Shut up, Laura.

My God, it stinks in here.

That's the smell of sluts and the stink of sin.

Let's go.

Holliston Police!

Hello? The cops are here?

Bulls! What did you do?

Nothing! Wait.

Nothing!

Did you pay that parking ticket?

Uh... Hello?

Oh.

This is Officer Pappas. We got a possible double homicide at 7 Francine

What the hell have you done?

Both of you, on the ground right now. On the ground!

They weren't dead when we lost, I swear!

Stay on the ground, you psycho!

They can't be dead.

You think what I'm thinking?

That was suicide?

Just like last year.

Two lovers, off themselves because their parents wouldn't accept it.

They weren't that gay.

The girls went to the store to get some vinegar and apparently picked up a

couple of cups.

Looks like Corey played dress -up again.

Can I please get out of this thing now?

Yeah, sorry about that.

So, uh, you're telling me there's no whorehouse?

No, there isn't. I just wanted to stop by here first.

You know what obstruction of justice is?

You ever hear of wrongful detainment and sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment.

Oh, officer, I'm only 14.

Dude, what are you doing?

I didn't do anything.

Yeah, well, there's one witness right here.

And another right here.

Yeah, another witness right here, too.

What?

Okay, everyone just stop. This is very, very confusing.

We're out of here. Let's just get out of here.

There are two bloody dudes in the bathtub. This place smells horrible.

There's probably some sort of crazy alien under the bed.

He's in the closet.

We're very sorry for the disturbance. We'll let you guys do whatever it was

were doing.

Hey, about earlier, the whole restraint thing, I sincerely want to apologize

about that.

Oh, you're sorry?

Oh, that sounds sweet.

Go screw yourself!

That's fair.

Okay, what the hell was that?

Don't ask. It's all fine now.

Not really.

Axel is still missing.

Axel? He's in Joe's room. I locked him in there when I vacuumed earlier.

What? We have a vacuum?

Well,

did you at least get the vinegar?

Oops.

Screw this. I'm getting out of the tub.

The water's really cold.

Good evening, Hollis Day!

Hey, Lance. Hey, boss.

What's that smell?

I think it's me. Ten shows in a row, same pants.

Got everything you need for that Medway mattress commercial?

Yep. Leaving for the shoot now.

Go like this.

Yo!

Watch the glitter.

Your face.

Oh, just a little leftover fake blood. My bad.

You guys are your horror movie crap.

You'll grow out of it eventually.

Funny. Some people said that about fans of Cinderella and Pretty Boy Floyd.

Yo!

Watch what you say about PBS.

Sorry.

So what are you guys doing after the shoot?

Oh, I've got a bone marrow transplant. I'm not asking you to come to a Diver

Down show.

Oh, well then, um, in that case, I don't know what I'm doing. Why?

Listen, you can't tell anybody, but I know about this place in Holliston.

It's top secret.

We can get things.

Like, um, hmm, spandex pants?

Oh, no, I got these at Filings Basement. Check them out.

No!

I'm talking about sexual things.

What do you mean?

You know, like girls, guys.

Anything you want.

And out of that list, which of those things would you want?

I want it fast and hard like my rock and roll!

Yeah!

No, like this place. It offers both girls and...

Guys, so... Exactly.

Woo!

We're off that lamp, but thanks. You dudes are so lame.

You know, sometimes I wonder about you two.

Whatever, dudes.

We'll rock and roll all night without you. Wait, me?

Yeah, I met some dudes at Casey's who were in on it and liked the party. I'm

going with them.

Um, be careful, boss. Yeah. Oh, I'll be careful.

But I won't be quick.

Yeah! Watch out!

Step back!

You got, you got, you got what I need!

Woo!

You boys are right on time.

Take us to the promised land, baby.

Yeah, heavy metal.

Follow Dr. Love.

So we can make it.