Original subtitles

Chicken and biscuits and biscuits.

And biscuits and gravy.

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I made a mistake.

We should be together.

Will you take me back?

How did you get in here?

I'm dirty.

Wash me.

Okay.

Wait.

This is just another dream, isn't it?

Just because it's a scary dream doesn't mean you can't have some fun.

How is this scary?

Because I got this.

Ugh.

to bed.

I'm in debt.

I regret.

And I haven't won the lottery yet.

I burst into the hole.

I ain't got no place to go.

Why does it end if I didn't mean that?

It's

true,

Max. You are nuts.

for over 40 years, and I guarantee when you shop here, you'll be drooling all

over yourself, too.

I'm Crazy Max, and if you can't find it here, you're retarded!

Crazy Max's discount mark, Route 16, Holliston. And cut.

That's a wrap, everybody.

Another excellent commercial, Max.

Just get this thing off me, will you? It's pushing my colon so hard, I think

hemorrhoid's gonna burst.

Damn, I smell a telly after that last performance, Crazy Mac.

Woo! Ah, can it, Lance. Look, your commercials suck, but I like the prices.

that's what we do here. We rock the spot and slay the chick.

Adam, nice jeans.

So, who's come to see Diver Down this Saturday night?

I've got a thing.

Saturday? Oh, no. Come on, dude!

You miss out on the greatest Van Halen shoe band of all time. You miss out on

your life.

Plus, check out these awesome platforms I scored on eBay.

They're the ones Gene Simmons was gonna wear on the Elder Tour.

Boss, don't you think that maybe you're getting a little old to

make it in a band?

It could still happen.

It's a cover band.

So? You're 54.

Rock is ageless.

David Lee Roth, 1983.

David Lee Roth got kicked out of the band and replaced by Sammy... Hey!

You don't speak his name.

My bad.

All right, I gotta get going to band practice.

I gotta shave my abs for the ladies in the front row.

New Cologne, Joe.

Smell delicious.

The camera? Why?

I'll explain later. Just take it. You take it. No, come on, take it. No, you

take it. Just take it. I don't want to. No, you take it. You take it.

Ashland Roller Skating Palace.

Two dollars off with this flyer.

Be there.

My buddy was asking around to see if anyone had a camera to rent him.

For what?

I don't know, something he's shooting this weekend.

And so you rented him the cable company's camera?

Dude, that's not our gear to be loaning out.

And how are we going to get the $500 we need to shoot our mock trailer for

Shinpads? We have the $500 that we need.

Correction, we had $500.

I had insomnia again.

Am I one of the first 200 callers?

What did you buy this time?

Nothing.

A Snuggie.

A Snuggie.

And an Abrock.

And a Shake Weight.

And a ShamWow.

And a Ding King.

And Mighty Putty.

Mighty Putty?

Yeah, Mighty Putty. It's stick anything to anything.

What's wrong with you?

Listen, don't worry about a thing. I got it all under control. We rent the

camera to my buddy, and then... Okay, like that. Who is your buddy?

I'm your only friend.

That's not true.

Yes, it is.

Fine. I posted an ad on Craigslist advertising that we had a camera to

listen, I got it all worked out. We rent the camera to him.

He brings it back tomorrow.

We bring it back to the office on Monday. Lance won't know the difference.

Right?

Oh, pull over to the gas station right over here. We need toilet paper.

You know, renting the cable company's gear has got to be the worst great idea

that you've ever had.

I mean, you don't even know who this guy is.

What if he, like, breaks the camera? We couldn't afford to buy a new one. We

would probably end up getting fired.

I mean, at least when we take the equipment for our own stuff, we know

is at all times. And we're responsible with it. Plus, we know how to use it.

I mean, this guy could wind up smashing it to bits.

Or maybe he's using it to rent to somebody else, and he's got the same

going. Go, go, go, go!

If they get those packages, they're yours.

Oh, dude, you love salad, you hate making them. With the Slap Shop, you'll

making salads in seconds.

I told the guy we'd meet him outside the grill later to hand out the camera.

Well, then I'm going with you.

Unnecessary. What if stuff goes down?

We're renting a camera, not scoring oxy like last time.

What?

Fine,

come. I suppose you have nothing else better to do anyway.

Hey, I've got a lot of important stuff going on.

What?

Sitting in your room and praying for Corey to come back is not necessarily

important stuff.

Praying for Corey to come back.

Don't make me laugh.

Yeah, I did it myself.

Looks like Cory and I found an apartment. It's a super nice two

Milford. It's so cute.

We put an application in, so fingers crossed.

Great!

We might need to crash on your floor once we get picked out of this place.

Did you forget to pay rent again, Joe?

It's not necessarily forgetting to pay if you didn't plan on paying it anyway.

Hey, do you guys want to go see a band later? They're talking to me about

replacing their lead singer. I was going to check them out.

What kind of music is it? Country.

No. Oh, those don't actually open.

Budget.

But I'm hungry.

Here.

Gum. Bubblicious.

You spoiled me.

Okay, let's do this.

What's with the, um, Hamburglar outfit?

I don't want to get caught renting a stolen camera with Mayor McCheese.

With Mayor McDeals -a -lot.

Mayor Mc... Whatever, there's a joke in there somewhere.

Stolen camera?

It's not stolen, it's borrowed, and it's fine.

Mayor McDouche. Too late.

It's not what it looks like.

Really? Because it looks like you're both renting the cable company's

to make money for yourself.

That's what I was going to say.

That's pretty much it, yeah. It's not stolen if you're going to bring it back.

Besides, how else are we going to afford our mock trailer for shin pads? How

else am I going to afford to buy you fine meals?

The bubble lickers was pretty nice.

Did you give her my gum?

Give it.

What's your thieves?

Babe, don't worry. I have this all figured out. It'll be totally fine, and

not gonna hurt anyone.

You always say it's not gonna hurt, and then I can't poop right for days.

What? One time we ate a bunch of laxatives to try and lose weight.

Oh.

it right now.

That sounds great. Thank you so much.

Yes. We'll see you at a few.

Bye.

the apartment already. I thought you said it was cute.

$6 .50 a month is very cute.

$6 .50?

You kidding me?

We pay $1 ,100 a month for this dump.

Guess we lucked out.

Guess somebody died in there.

Died?

Wouldn't they legally have to disclose that?

Not for a rental, right?

I mean, not unless you asked.

Did you ask?

Didn't really come to mind, no.

It's haunted.

live in a haunted apartment?

It's cheap.

Sure you can. Laura.

No. It'll be fun, like paranormal activity.

I really think that we need to discuss this.

Aw, our first roommate fight and you lost.

But I still love you, Cory.

I still love you.

Well, let's get going or we're going to be late.

Oh, hey, do you guys want to grab some dinner? I'm starved.

Oh, you're hungry?

Mm -hmm.

Here.

Have some gum.

Gloomy. No.

It's watermelon.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Observe.

Mighty putty, bitch.

The washers and

dryers are in the basement level, and of course you'll have to contact the cable

and phone companies all on your own if they'll come in here.

It's very homey.

I was going to say hostile.

Oh. And rent is only $6 .50 a month? I'll take thick, if that's too much.

Wow, awesome.

Oh, actually, we did have a few questions.

Okay.

Quickly, please.

Okay.

Um, why the outrageously low rent?

No reason.

What was that?

What was what?

Sounded like something banged on the wall in that bedroom.

Oh, I didn't hear anything.

Is there, like, an Indian burial ground under the building?

Well, not an Indian one.

Look, I'll cut to the chase.

Corey here thinks that maybe the apartment is haunted, and that's why the

is so low. Oh, no. Just because someone dies in an apartment doesn't make it

haunted. Someone died in here?

What? You just said someone died in here.

Sort of.

Sort of?

It was natural causes.

So, like, someone died in their sleep?

Yes, basically, yes. They were sleeping, and then they slipped and fell into a

noose.

Laura, I think we should maybe look around, because I don't like this as

I thought I was going to.

Yeah. Stop being such a scaredy cat.

I'll get an electrician out here to fix that for you.

If they'll come in here.

Okay, look, this place is very cute, but on second thought... Solve!

Wait! Where are you going?

Good luck!

Jake!

I get the 900 bedroom!

What if the dude filled the camera? The dude's name is Trent.

Would you stop putting negative thoughts into the ether?

Gee, haven't you read the secret?

I'm not being negative. I'm being rational.

Wait, you read the secret. Shh.

Just act cool, okay?

Hey, Joe, you told him your real name?

Yep, I'm Joe.

Hey, uh, thanks for loaning me your gear.

He's got a mustache. We should run.

What'd you say?

I said, what exactly are you shooting?

Nah, sounded like you said something like, he's got a mustache, we should

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. Dude, I'm standing four feet away from you.

No, you aren't.

Let's start over. So, what were you shooting?

I'm just helping my friend out with his website.

A website?

Really? What's the name of the website?

It's called fatherless .com.

And if that was a real website, would it be an indoor or an outdoor shoot, dude?

It's an indoor shoot.

Yeah, really? Are you all right? Are you?

Look, if this is going to be some kind of problem... Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not a problem.

Is it, Adam?

And now he knows my name, which is really Alex.

It's Adam Rifkin. All right, all right, all right. $500 in cash, right? Oh,

great.

Here you go.

So, meet here tomorrow?

Yeah, as a... Two o 'clock good?

1 .45.

Okay, fine.

I'm always dropping stuff.

Dude, you just get fired from McDonald's or something?

Where's your buddy Grimace?

Where's your mogwai's David Lopan creepy Asian guy with mustache?

3 .30.

What's your secret telling you now?

Shut up.

We just lost the camera.

We can't afford a new HD camera.

We're going to get fired.

And then we're going to get evicted.

We're never going to get our movie made. And you're going to get syphilis. Would

you stop? We're going to be fired. Why do I get syphilis?

Because, dude.

Because. Wait. His phone number. His phone number's on the email. Come on.

Itchy.

This is great.

This is awesome.

You didn't even get the guy's name.

Why do I listen to you? Shh, it's ringing.

Sorry, the number you have reached is not in service.

Please check... Damn it.

We didn't get the guy's driver's license info.

Maybe his...

Maybe his full name?

Shut up.

What was his first name?

Trent.

Trent.

Trent.

Trent!

Nope.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we just give Lance the $500 that we made? That should more than

a $10 ,000 camera.

Wait, what was the website the guy said he was shooting for?

Fatherless .com? Yes!

Maybe there's a contact info or an email link or something like that.

You just bookmarked that.

Shh.

I hate to say this, but Joe, this whole thing was a bad move on your part.

Thanks, honey.

You shouldn't have done this.

Yeah, I know that.

This was a poor life choice.

Okay. The better choice would have been to not do this.

I get it.

I'm just saying.

What are we gonna do, dude?

Don't ask me.

This whole stupid idea was your dick.

Wait! Did you maybe get a secondary contact number to call the guy with?

That was a pointless contribution to finding a solution.

If you had another number, you would have called it already.

But did you? You're not helping, Laura!

Oh, my gosh. It's all my fault.

Lance is totally going to fire us.

Hello?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

We thought that maybe you had stolen it.

Yes. No, that totally works. Tomorrow at noon?

Okay. All right, well, see you then. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Bye -bye.

We got the camera back!

Telemarketer.

But that's what you get for getting us into the situation in the first place.

Um, I'm gonna go help Corey, uh, with,

uh...

I'm gonna go to my room and take a load off.

Don't!

Hey.

Why are you sleeping on the couch?

I couldn't sleep in that room.

I kept hearing whispers.

What were they saying?

I don't know.

I couldn't understand them.

Well, if you can't understand them, then they don't count.

Laura, why don't you take that room?

No.

That room's scary.

You take that room.

Yeah, but you like death and stuff.

It can be inspiration for your art.

That was mean.

Laura, I hate this place.

Why do we have to move into Casa de Insidious?

You're just being paranoid.

Am I?

Then how do you explain that?

What if I take the death room?

You'd switch rooms with me?

Yeah.

I guess the rent is really cheap.

It really is.

You sure?

What's not to be sure about?

Hey, Odorous.

Whoa.

You really got yourself in deep crap this time, huh?

Yep. Lifted a camera from work, readied it to some guy you don't even know.

Camera got stolen.

You're such an idiot.

Oh, no.

I've done the same thing countless times.

Really? No.

What do I look like, an idiot?

What am I going to do, Odorous?

Fake your own death.

No, maybe I should just tell the truth. Tell the truth? Absolutely not!

If there's one life lesson I can give you, it's never tell the truth.

Oh, boy.

Did Oliver North ever tell the truth?

Did Bill Clinton ever tell the truth?

Did Abraham Lincoln ever tell the truth?

Wait, you mean Honest Abe? The guy that couldn't tell a lie? Yes, and got shot

right in the head.

Good point.

Make up an elaborate lie. If it doesn't work, blame Joe.

He's my best friend. I couldn't do that.

You can always make a new best friend. It's like I always say.

You can make a new best friend because at any moment, your old best friend...

could be killed and burned horribly in a wretched car fire.

And then you would have to make a new best friend and also make sure that the

new best friend didn't make the same mistake that the old best friend made

wreck his car while he was driving it while high on cough medicine that was

filled with codeine.

Hey, you know what?

Thanks, Odorous.

That's why I'm here.

Hey, uh, could you bring me back some Skittles?

Skittles. You got it.

Whoa,

whoa, whoa. What's going on? Is everybody all right?

Thank God. I was so scared.

I've got this.

You're safe now.

What the hell was that?

I... I saved you. I thought that's where we kissed.

Those pajamas are hot.

Thank you.

All right, everybody just calm down. Just calm down.

What happened?

The apartment was haunted. We heard voices that they were going to kill

and molest me. It was so scary. We thought we were going to... Wait, wait,

Why were they going to kill me but molest you?

Oh, please.

What did we tell you guys?

When rent is that cheap, it's pretty much guaranteed that the place is

Did you ask before you signed the lease?

Yeah. And?

Someone had died there, yeah.

But she signed the lease anyway.

Oh, why don't we just blame Laura for everything?

We've got to get out of this lease.

Go back to the place and tell the landlord what happened. If all else

there and tell him that there's a shady guy in the building that's trying to rob

you.

That's it.

What's it?

That's how we get out of losing the camera. What camera? We're back to the A

storyline now.

Okay, so we borrowed the camera to shoot Lance's cover band show.

Lance is still in a cover band. Isn't he like 50?

Long story. Go on. Okay, so on our way to the show, we got mugged by a

big Mexican.

Dude! No, it's okay. I'm Colombian. Go on.

Okay, there was a struggle.

We got roughed up.

Guy ran away with the camera.

Huh?

I don't know.

Dude, come on!

Look, we're still wrong for borrowing the camera, but how can he blame us,

us pay for it, or even fire us if we did it for him?

And you really think Lance is going to go with this story?

He will when he sees the footage.

Huh?

Huh? Oh!

Ho, ho, ho.

I mean, did you have another line?

So, Adam, where are we going to today?

Oh, right now, we're going to go surprise our boss and great friend,

Rocket, by showing up at his cover band show, Diver Down.

Oh, you mean the greatest Van Halen tribute band ever?

That's the one.

Wow, I just love Van Halen tribute bands.

get me so turned on?

But the best part is we're going to shoot the whole show with this camera so

that maybe Lance could release it someday as a special edition DVD.

Wow. The way you guys always talk about Lance, he sounds amazing.

I would totally love to make out with him.

Is that an American Apparel shirt you have on there, Adam?

Fantastic fit.

Wait, what's that?

This camera belongs to mass cable vision. Yeah, you'll have to kill us

Give me the camera or I'll keep blowing it.

Fine, kill her.

What?

I'll do it.

You'll never take this camera from us, scary ethnic man. Now.

You were going to come to my show.

We were going to shoot the rest of your shows this year and surprise you.

Surprise!

You guys.

Wow!

This is great!

Great? Well, it explains everything. I came in this morning and the camera was

on the front step.

Couldn't find you.

The number you gave me is disconnected, so I brought it back to the address on

the case. Pay your phone bill.

The guy must have felt guilty and brought it back.

Of course.

But now you can shoot all my band shows.

Diver Down just got booked every Sunday to the end of the year.

Oh, no.

You guys are awesome.

Tell you what.

Backstage pass is both of you total access.

You can meet fake Eddie and fake Alex.

What about fake Michael Anthony? You got the real Michael Anthony if you want to

meet him.

No, that's okay. Wait till the guys hear the news. The cradle will rock!

Yeah!

Oh,

no, you want to stab me in the face right now?

Multiple times. Dude, wait. We have a show to host here, so why don't we just

professional, hit the lights.

There we go. And we'll just talk about it later. We'll save it for later, okay?

There we go.

And the camera guy is here. Excellent.

So, who's not ready to shoot?

Five, four, three, two...

Good evening, girls and corpses, and welcome to the Movie Crypt with Adam and

Joe, where tonight we'll be hosting one of Adam's personal favorites, Chud.

And what does the word chud stand for again, Adam?

Cannibalistic, humanoid, underground.

That's right.

They're not staying down there anymore.

So sit back and get ready for some cellar -dwelling monster bandits here on

Movie Crypt with Adam and Joe.

F***!

F***! F***! F***! F***!

Motherf***er! Meat hook! Pieces!

More!

Does he have to shoot all of his shows?

Yep. Thanks, Joe.

We'll get out of this.

I have a plan.

No.

But you didn't even hear what the plan was yet. Jess.

No.

And how did you two ladies end up getting out of your apartment lease?

Easy. I told the landlord that we grew medical marijuana and asked if that

be all right.

He tore up our lease on the spot.

You two grow weed.

No, no.

I applied some paperwork to the hospital.

The guy totally went for it. He didn't even read it, thank God.

We're smart at things.

Okay, so do you grow weed or not?

No.

Um, why so excited? You smoke pot?

Do you?

No, I had a friend who had a terrible experience with it.

What, she eat a lot and fall asleep?

She died.

Well, we got the camera back and you girls got out of your league.

We got the $500 that we need to finish our shin pads trailer.

Not exactly. No. I was so worried about the camera, I couldn't sleep. What did

you buy now?

Snap caps.

They turn bottles into something.

Snap caps.

Oh, and romancing the 70s.

Guaranteed to get you laid in three songs or less.

So maybe I'll have to borrow that one for this one.

Not happening.

Laura, why do guys never learn? It's like no matter how clear you make a

they just keep doing the same routine over and over and over.

Tell me about it. No matter what I say to Joe, he still massively

overcompensates in bed.

Is that my flashback?

Is that what I look like? I'd still do you.

Enough!