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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,806
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:11,310
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:14,313
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:17,850
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:21,220
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:22,821
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,223
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:30,095
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:35,200
ANNOUNCER:
Live from New York City,
11
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:38,370
it's the JCPenney
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
12
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,905
The JCPenney parade?
13
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,540
Yeah, it's like
the Macy's parade,
14
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,909
only without
licensed characters.
15
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,979
ANNOUNCER: With the popular
balloons we all know and love--
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00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:48,247
Mickey Rabbit,
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00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:49,748
Sponge Cow,
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00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,651
and Clifton the Small Blue Dog.
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00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:55,521
LOIS:
Peter, get in here!
20
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,256
You want to tell me
what the hell happened
21
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,724
to our Thanksgiving turkey?
22
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,159
Oh, that.
23
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,994
Uh, well, last night,
Brian and I
24
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:03,562
got drunk and
ate the turkey.
25
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,832
But before you get mad,
we also ate the salad.
26
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,267
Damn it, how could
you guys do that?!
27
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,069
Boy, I must have
been really drunk.
28
00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,070
I don't remember
any of that.
29
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,204
No problem.
30
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,306
Instagram
remembers for you.
31
00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:22,881
Peter, we've got a houseful
of people coming
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00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,450
and they're
expecting a turkey.
33
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:25,918
Well, if they're
expecting a turkey,
34
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,886
I'll just put on
Evan Almighty for them.
35
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,188
(gleefully):
Zap!
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00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:33,525
You and Brian better get
another turkey right now!
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00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,894
And don't bother
coming back until you do!
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00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:37,196
Don't worry, Lois.
We will.
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00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,530
Yeah, we'll be back
with a turkey
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00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,299
faster than you can
say, "Jack Robinson."
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00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,034
Jack Rober...
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00:01:42,036 --> 00:01:43,368
(slurring)
43
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:46,271
(slurring):
Jack Row...
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00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,273
She had a stroke that killed
the part of her brain
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00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,042
that says "Jack Robinson."
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00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:51,710
We got plenty of time.
47
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,950
All right, Brian,
first order of business--
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00:01:57,952 --> 00:01:59,985
we have to decide
who gets to ride in the cart
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00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,220
and who has to push it.
50
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:02,721
Well, I'm smaller, so...
51
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,323
The decision
has been made.
52
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,225
Ooh, now I want that one.
53
00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:11,997
Aw, crap-- looks like
they're completely sold out.
54
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,398
Yeah, sorry.
55
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,534
We just sold our last
turkey to that guy.
56
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:19,938
You are the turkey
I have chosen to pardon.
57
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:22,474
Fly free, turkey!
58
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:24,476
(driver screams)
59
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:28,313
Oh, Fudgsicles!
60
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,851
Hey, you don't sell
turkeys here, do you?
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00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:35,754
We've been to every grocery
store in town with no luck.
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00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,356
No, the only thing
we really sell here
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00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,258
are these little packets
of weird vitamins
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00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,994
that vaguely suggest
they help you in the bedroom.
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00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:45,330
"Performance and
stamina, for men."
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00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:49,001
I know what that means.
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00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:53,038
(playing "Stars and Stripes
Forever")
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00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,474
Peter, enough.
Come to bed.
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00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:56,842
Uh-uh, Lois.
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00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,977
The packet says I got to
play till I'm raw.
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00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,512
(continues playing)
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00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:04,816
Can't believe
every turkey
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00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,386
within a 60-mile radius
of Quahog is sold out.
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00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,721
I know. And now
we're so far from home,
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00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,123
none of your
stations even work.
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00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:12,524
(channels changing,
static hissing)
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00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,193
MALE SPORTS ANNOUNCER:
...from the 15...
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00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:15,360
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
...coming up in two minutes...
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00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,996
♪ She thinks I'm beautiful ♪
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00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:20,032
♪ Meet Virginia... ♪
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00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:22,034
Is this...
Is this fine?
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00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:23,368
I mean, it's
not... it's...
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00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,204
Yeah, it's fine if
you think it's fine.
84
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,472
It's not that good
of a song, but we know it.
85
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:28,874
Yeah, okay. Sure.
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00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,175
♪ She never compromises... ♪
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00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,476
Brian, I love Train.
88
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,046
I (bleep) love Train.
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00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:38,016
Chris, are Brian and
your father back yet?
90
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:41,486
No. And why are you saying
the dog's name before Dad's?
91
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,722
It's weird.
That is weird, you're right.
92
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,357
Well, they better
get here soon.
93
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:48,193
I can't host this
Thanksgiving dinner on my own.
94
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,928
Hear that?
This thing's all on you.
95
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,830
What? What are you
talking about?
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00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,899
Well, the fat man's never
going to get back in time,
97
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,401
and with him gone, that makes
you the man of the house.
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00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,503
I sentence you to death!
99
00:03:58,505 --> 00:03:59,705
Chris, Chris, slow down.
100
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,373
I'm just saying,
without Peter here,
101
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,208
you're going to have to be
the host of Thanksgiving.
102
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:06,278
You have to do everything
the fat man normally would.
103
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,113
You mean, like,
fall asleep on the toilet
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00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:11,016
and have a big red ring
on my bum for a week?
105
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,951
No, no, no-- greeting
guests as they arrive.
106
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,386
Facilitating small talk.
107
00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,722
And, of course, giving
the Thanksgiving toast.
108
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:18,857
Boy, yesterday I'm
microwaving a cat,
109
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,392
today I'm giving
a speech.
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00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:23,595
Things move fast
around here.
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00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,201
Hi, do you have any turkeys?
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00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:30,769
Sure do.
You're looking at one.
113
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,271
(laughs):
I'm sorry.
114
00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:34,873
You have to know me
to know I'm just joking.
115
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,275
Sir, the day we've had,
116
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:39,378
we could use
a good chuckle like that.
117
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,812
You folks are in luck.
118
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,115
Looks like we have
one turkey left.
119
00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:44,149
Oh, thank God.
120
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,417
Oh, you're telling me.
121
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,219
We didn't come back
with a turkey,
122
00:04:47,221 --> 00:04:49,554
Lois would be madder than
that time she got a Capp smear.
123
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:51,923
All right, we're just going
to take a quick Capp smear.
124
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,759
Don't you mean
pap smear?
125
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,961
No, at this hospital
we obtain the sample
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00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:59,131
using beloved British comic
strip roustabout Andy Capp.
127
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:01,233
'Ello, luv.
128
00:05:01,235 --> 00:05:02,668
Let's have a smear.
129
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,102
I'm not letting
you do that.
130
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,404
You can't even see.
131
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:09,675
That's all right, bird.
I goes by smell.
132
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:15,414
Brian, look,
an eight-foot basket.
133
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,982
Let me just dunk
the turkey once.
134
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,884
I know I can jam it.
135
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:20,986
(grunts)
136
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,621
That's not
a regulation rim.
137
00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:24,489
Okay, you know what?
I'm in charge of the turkey.
138
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,591
You're driving.
139
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:32,698
This thing on?
140
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:33,832
Yes.
141
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,133
It's not making
any noise.
142
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,635
It's a hybrid.
Trust me, it's on.
143
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,036
No, it's not. See?
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00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,371
(whirring)
145
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:44,543
(both screaming)
146
00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:52,217
(gasping)
147
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,519
Oh, my God!
148
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,760
(Brian grunting)
149
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,666
(gasping)
150
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,569
Not now! Not like this!
151
00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:16,041
(gasping, coughing)
152
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,542
Peter, what the hell?!
153
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,378
You chose
a turkey over me?!
154
00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:21,012
I almost died!
155
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:24,816
I swear to God, I thought
dogs could breathe underwater.
156
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,558
Great. The water completely
killed my phone.
157
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,860
Oh, horrors.
158
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,161
You have to spend
time with me
159
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,596
without looking
at your phone.
160
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:38,597
Here, give me yours.
161
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,665
I threw mine
at a duck.
162
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,434
Excuse me, can you help us?
163
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,102
We're trying to get
back to Quahog.
164
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,538
If you want, I can take you
as far as the bus station.
165
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,273
You can?
Oh, thank you so much!
166
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,575
Oh, that is the nicest thing
anyone's done for me
167
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,678
since my kids gave me
that Father's Day gift.
168
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,314
Oh, look, a tie.
Perfect.
169
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:02,587
It's from all of us!
170
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,059
All right, Chris,
acting as host
171
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,095
will demand a higher
level of conversation.
172
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,563
I suggest
as your opener--
173
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,899
"Lois, everything
is delicious."
174
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,867
Then that's
what I will say.
175
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,602
Unless Slender Man
commands me
176
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,237
to say something else.
177
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:22,607
Ugh, this is gonna be
a bigger disaster than Y2-Gay.
178
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:25,477
ALL:
Three! Two! One!
179
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:29,548
I hope my dad's
not watching ABC!
180
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:35,220
Oh, thank God
we got on this bus.
181
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,621
I really had to poop.
182
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,457
Wait, where is there
a bathroom on this bus?
183
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:39,925
I didn't say there
was a bathroom,
184
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,226
I just said
I had to poop.
185
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:42,427
MAN:
Oh, my God!
186
00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:44,863
This is gross
even for a bus!
187
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,799
(grunting)
188
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,234
I don't know what
they were so mad about,
189
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,936
I did it in
a Rite Aid bag.
190
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,804
Damn it, Peter!
That was our only way home!
191
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,106
Well, that's where
you're wrong, Brian.
192
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,675
Free bus bike!
193
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,910
Aw, crap, this
is a girl's bike.
194
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:00,345
All right,
we'll ride it,
195
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,347
but pray to God nobody
from school sees us.
196
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,082
Nice bike, butt-munch!
197
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:07,652
Shut up!
I'm telling Miss Baumbakis!
198
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,657
ANNOUNCER:
Up next on Nickelodeon,
199
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:15,293
Uncomfortably HotEighteen-Year-Old Girls.
200
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,028
Honey, where
are you off to?
201
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,497
To the car wash
202
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:20,265
to raise money for our
new soccer uniforms.
203
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,100
Okay, have fun.
204
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,336
ANNOUNCER: Nickelodeon--casually ask your daughter
205
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:25,837
what that girl's name is,
206
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,306
then take your laptopinto the bathroom.
207
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:30,041
(knocking on door)
208
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,812
Uh, Mom! Daddy!
You're right on time!
209
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:36,014
Happy Thanksgiving,
dear!
210
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,349
We brought some wine,
211
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,885
but it's good wine
so it's just or us.
212
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:44,055
Damn it. Where the hell
are they with that turkey?
213
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,893
BRIAN (recorded):
Hi, you've reached Brian Griffin
214
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:50,161
of The Write Stuff
writing classes...
215
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,130
Oh, God.
216
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,301
Come on,
keep pedaling.
217
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:58,236
Dinner starts in an hour.
218
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,140
(fabric ripping)
219
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:04,876
Oh! Ow!
220
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:05,844
Damn it, Peter!
221
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:07,245
Oh, great.
222
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:08,980
You broke the chain
and now we have to walk!
223
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,916
Unless we hitchhike.
224
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,084
Hitchhike? You know
how dangerous that is?
225
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,519
Besides, we're in
the middle of nowhere.
226
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:16,221
There aren't even
any cars around.
227
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,822
There's one.
228
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,258
Hey! Hey, stop!
Give us a ride!
229
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,861
It's just me and my upright dog.
230
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,997
We're obviously not weirdoes!
231
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,433
See, Brian? Told ya.
232
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,402
We're going to be home
in no time.
233
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:31,436
Hi there, folks.
234
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,271
Hand over the turkey.
What?!
235
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,440
I can't go back to my wife
without a turkey!
236
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,775
Oh, yeah?
237
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:38,410
Bet that thing's
not even loaded.
238
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:42,213
You just used
your last bullet.
239
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,749
Running on empty now.
240
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,419
Brian, give him the turkey.
241
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,187
(engine revs, tires screech)
242
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,960
(football sports broadcast
playing on TV)
243
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,963
Okay, buddy, you ready to
test out those hosting skills?
244
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,532
Now go wow your guests
with conversation.
245
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,268
Hi, Grandma.
246
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,971
I got some down-there
hair now-- want to see?
247
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,739
Uh, I-I...
248
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:10,542
I should check if your mother
needs help in the kitchen.
249
00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:14,379
Sometimes I pluck them
because I deserve pain.
250
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:21,486
Cut! No. Stop.
251
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,088
I'm sorry! I panicked!
252
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,256
It's all right. It's okay.
Don't worry, Chris.
253
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,559
You can't always get things
right on the first try.
254
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:30,428
Just look at Snoopy's
original happy dance.
255
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,397
(light jazz playing)
256
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:35,800
Hey, you having
a good time tonight?
257
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,469
(aggressive grunting)
258
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:39,504
Oh, yeah.
259
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,843
Can't believe
we got robbed.
260
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,478
Yeah, but can we just
talk for a second
261
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,414
about how brave I was when
we walked past that cemetery?
262
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:52,117
Peter, do you not see that we
are completely screwed here?
263
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,818
And it's all
thanks to you!
264
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,254
You drove my car into a lake,
you almost let me drown,
265
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,790
you got us thrown off a bus,
you broke our bike,
266
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,158
and now you've gotten
our turkey stolen
267
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,493
and Thanksgiving
is ruined
268
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:02,927
and we don't have
any transportation
269
00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:04,496
and we're still
miles from home!
270
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,998
You're starting to get
black gums like an older dog.
271
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,967
You know what? You know what?
Maybe it's my fault.
272
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,935
I forgot, I'm talking
to a complete idiot.
273
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:12,303
You are so stupid!
274
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,338
Oh, yeah?
275
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,939
Well, if I'm so stupid,
276
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:17,442
then how did I manage to
frame you for eating the turkey?
277
00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:19,210
What?!
Yeah!
278
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,279
Didn't you notice you were
passed out in all those photos?
279
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,347
You didn't eat any of it.
280
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,815
I just posed you like that
281
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,450
because I didn't want
to take all the blame.
282
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:28,219
You son of a bitch!
How could you do that to me?
283
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,354
You're a dog, Brian.
284
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,156
I can throw you
off a bridge,
285
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:33,658
and as long as I don't hit
a person on a boat, it's okay.
286
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,226
Screw this. I am done!
287
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,195
This isn't even my problem,
it's your problem.
288
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,830
You know what, Peter?
289
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,965
You've got no turkey,
and now you've got no friend.
290
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,400
Good-bye!
291
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,436
W-Wait-- Brian, wait!
292
00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:49,874
♪ Now let's watch
a whole bunch of ads. ♪
293
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,748
Nice Thanksgiving.
294
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,150
I don't know why I ever listen
to that jerk.
295
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,552
What?
296
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,220
Home is this way;
we're both just walking home.
297
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,855
Leave me alone!
298
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:06,191
No way. We're a team, Brian,
whether you like it or not.
299
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:07,325
Just like almond butter
300
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,594
and no sugar added
fruit preserves.
301
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:10,829
Who's hungry?
302
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,897
BOTH:
We are!
303
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,899
NARRATOR:
Hey, kids, would you likea terrible healthy sandwich?
304
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,501
BOTH:
No.
305
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:19,104
Too bad, becauseyour recently divorced mom
306
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:22,006
has a crush on her trainer,and he eats like this,
307
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,675
so now you have to, too.
308
00:12:23,677 --> 00:12:26,277
Almond butter and no sugaradded fruit preserves--
309
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,912
just like PB and J,
310
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,515
but with moreof your mom railing this guy.
311
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:33,084
I named myself Kaya!
312
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,719
We stopped being a team
313
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,688
when you framed me for eating
that turkey with you.
314
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:38,923
Brian, maybe you should be
a little less mad at me
315
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,458
and a little more mad
at the guys
316
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,893
growing mustaches
for this month.
317
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,228
Hey, don't mock
Mo-vember.
318
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:44,963
Last year, I raised
eight dollars
319
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,464
and got on
a BuzzFeed listicle.
320
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,466
No! You use real words!
321
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,035
Internet stuff
is not real words.
322
00:12:51,037 --> 00:12:53,138
Hey, look!
323
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,541
There's our answer.
324
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,409
We break into the zoo,
steal a turkey,
325
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,345
bring it home, we're heroes.
326
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,247
Peter, stop it!
327
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:03,481
You're gonna
get yourself hurt.
328
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:04,883
Sorry, can't hear you.
329
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,551
Too busy saving
our family's Thanksgiving.
330
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,286
(sighs)
Damn it.
331
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,587
This is idiotic.
332
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,089
You're never gonna find
a turkey in there.
333
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,290
Oh, I'll find one.
334
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,825
I mean, you're
looking at the guy
335
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,460
who found the
Fountain of Youth.
336
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:21,633
It's very far
away from here!
337
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,939
Hey, Lois,
thanks for letting Kevin
338
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,507
bring his girlfriend
this year.
339
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:32,076
And I hope it's not awkward
that she's a little person
340
00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:33,812
and they viciously fight
all the time.
341
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,481
Why do we have to spend every
holiday with your family?
342
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,616
Shut up!
I'm a full-size person!
343
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,118
I make the decisions!
344
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,986
Don't you worry.
This'll quickly turn
345
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,255
into rough,
front-yard, makeup sex.
346
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:47,325
All this fighting is
making me so damn hot.
347
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:51,930
Oh, my God.
348
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:54,332
It looks like he's
chalking a pool cue.
349
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,466
Hey, scoot over.
350
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:56,835
As the oldest guy here,
351
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:58,870
it's my duty to take
an open mouth nap
352
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,138
in the middle of the room.
353
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,806
(snoring)
354
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,808
(grunts, groans)
355
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:06,044
(snoring resumes)
356
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,449
God, look at my mom.
357
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,151
Dinner should've been served
half an hour ago.
358
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,186
She's clearly stalling
for time.
359
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,321
Okay, everybody.
360
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,389
Dinner's gonna be ready
very soon.
361
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,158
(grunting)
Uh, what?
362
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,826
Um, oh, good. (grunts)
363
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,361
But before we get started,
364
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:26,531
I thought we could all take
turns telling a long story
365
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:29,334
about how things aren't
the way they used to be.
366
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,402
Daddy, would you care
to start?
367
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,503
You bet I would.
368
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:33,872
Too much candy!
369
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,006
Too much candy?
370
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,875
What do you mean,
too much candy?
371
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:37,909
There's too much candy!
372
00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:39,410
There used to be four candies.
373
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:42,080
Bulls-eyes, Yahoos,
Sweet Yarn and cigarettes.
374
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:43,481
Now I go into a store,
375
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:45,016
I don't know whether
I'm coming or going!
376
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,584
Is there anything else?
377
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:49,320
Why don't ballplayers wear
giant woolen shirts anymore?
378
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:50,722
What's wrong with wool?
379
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,257
It was a perfect fabric.
380
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,359
You go to the ballpark,
get your bag of Bulls-eyes
381
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:57,228
and watch Hack Wilson round
the bases in a big wool shirt.
382
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,864
I once saw Hack hit a ball
out of the infield.
383
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:01,766
I still remember
the thud of the bat
384
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,334
and the whoosh of the wool.
385
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:06,838
(sighs)
I wish things were still heavy.
386
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,373
Oh, the rails are
off this thing.
387
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,208
All right, Chris,
this is where you, as host,
388
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:11,509
need to step in and...
389
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:14,445
Chris? Chris?
390
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:17,415
What the hell?
Are you drunk?
391
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,217
I couldn't handle
the pressure, Stewie.
392
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:22,453
We Irish,
we have a deep sadness.
393
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,889
Oh, come on, get up!
They need you down there.
394
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:29,093
(slurring):
♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral. ♪
395
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,129
Ugh.
396
00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,600
(turkey gobbling)
397
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:37,869
All right, there they are.
398
00:15:37,871 --> 00:15:40,438
I'm going in and getting
us a turkey, Brian.
399
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,111
Hey, buddy, you want
to come to my house
400
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:49,280
so my wife can cook you wrong?
401
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,082
Ah, damn it!
402
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,450
(turkey gobbling)
403
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,152
Peter, this is never gonna work.
404
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,553
All right,
just leave the turkey alone.
405
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:56,721
The poor thing is... Aah! Aah!
406
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,222
What the hell?!
Knock it off!
407
00:15:58,224 --> 00:16:00,258
Ow! Damn it, I'm gonna
kill you, you dick!
408
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,961
Quick, Brian,
it's getting away!
409
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:08,066
(turkey gobbling)
410
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:18,910
Where'd he go?
411
00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:20,311
(chimps screeching)
412
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,246
He's not in here.
413
00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:24,349
Over there!
414
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:54,078
(grunting)
415
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:57,949
Oh, crap.
416
00:16:57,951 --> 00:16:59,283
(lions growling)
Easy there.
417
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,219
Hey, it's Thanksgiving.
418
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,720
Shouldn't you be in Detroit
419
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,188
losing a football game
right now?
420
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,690
(roaring)
421
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:09,093
(growling)
422
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,230
PETER:
Brian, up here!
423
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,567
(roaring, growling)
424
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,037
Oh, my God.
425
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,039
Thank you, Peter.
Thank you so much!
426
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:23,141
Hey, you're welcome, buddy.
427
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,242
You...
428
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:25,910
You saved my life.
429
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,078
Of course I did.
430
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,880
You're my best friend.
431
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,081
Hey, listen, I'm-I'm...
432
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:32,016
I'm sorry I messed
everything up today.
433
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,052
(sighs)
It's okay.
434
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,087
I guess I've been
kind of a jerk, too.
435
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,156
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
436
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,657
Ah, I deserved it.
437
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:42,193
I mean, for God's sake,
I sank your car in a lake.
438
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,762
And I broke
this guy's neck just now.
439
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:47,532
Yeesh.
440
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:50,001
But, hey, we cut the legs
off him and dye him brown,
441
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:51,402
we got ourselves
a turkey, right?
442
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,237
No. We've come this far.
443
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,440
Let's do it right.
444
00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,912
Hey, you got a tiny head
and a big body.
445
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:03,114
What if I switched that?
446
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:05,216
Gotcha!
447
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:06,551
All right, we did it!
448
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:07,585
We got ourselves a turkey.
449
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,053
Yeah, but what
time is it?
450
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,788
I mean, dinner has to
have started by now.
451
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,256
We're never gonna make
it home on foot.
452
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:14,459
Maybe we don't have to.
453
00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,032
We're now arriving in Quahog.
454
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:23,367
Up on the right are the people
with the awesome trampoline,
455
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:25,303
but they don't let me
on it no more,
456
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:28,039
'cause I bounced a kid
onto the house.
457
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,209
There were no
squeezable condiments.
458
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,910
Ketchup came in a can.
459
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:35,980
And, Daddy, what about the pants
that kids today are wearing?
460
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:37,915
Are they properly sized?
461
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,150
Are we gonna eat soon?
462
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,384
I have an interesting factoid
463
00:18:40,386 --> 00:18:42,286
about what makes you
sleepy afterwards.
464
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:44,622
Yeah, the hell with this.
I'm starving.
465
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:49,160
Okay, I guess we should eat.
466
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:53,231
Well, obviously
Peter's not here.
467
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,633
So it's fallen to me
to take up the mantle.
468
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,069
Now, I wasn't planning on
doing this today,
469
00:18:58,071 --> 00:19:01,839
but when I look around at all
of these open, loving faces
470
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:03,274
or friends and family,
471
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,843
I'm comfortable enough
to finally say
472
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:09,313
that I am a proud,
unashamed, active...
473
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:12,517
Lois, we're home
and Thanksgiving is saved!
474
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,918
Kidding!
475
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,920
Oh, my God, where the
hell have you been?
476
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,822
And what are you doing
with a live turkey?!
477
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,658
A live turkey
who loves Rollerblading.
478
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,128
Our dog drew that.
479
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,330
Peter, we can't eat
a live turkey.
480
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,699
Look, Lois, I still got time
to make this right.
481
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,134
And I'm gonna.
482
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:33,104
Hand me a nine iron
and show me to the backyard.
483
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:37,775
Well, buddy, I guess this is it.
484
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,621
Aah! Aah!
485
00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,957
Wow, I-I...
486
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,892
I read that look wrong.
487
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,561
Ah, geez, I'm sorry.
488
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,196
I wish you didn't have to die,
489
00:19:58,198 --> 00:20:00,765
but a bunch of white people
put on sweaters.
490
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,972
I couldn't do it.
What?
491
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:09,407
I'm sorry, Lois.
492
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,008
I know you wanted the
perfect Thanksgiving,
493
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,910
and I know I screwed
that all up for you,
494
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,545
but when you
think about it,
495
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,048
isn't this holiday about
being with people you love?
496
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,383
I mean, does it really matter
what we eat?
497
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,419
What matters
is we're all together.
498
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:23,821
Family and friends.
499
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,923
And one new friend.
500
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,392
Oh, Peter, that's beautiful.
501
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:31,329
Lois, can the turkey please
join us for dinner?
502
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:34,498
Not as the meal,
but as our guest?
503
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,267
Of course he can.
504
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:38,035
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
505
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:39,904
(gunshot)
506
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:42,873
(slurring):
The man of the house
507
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,676
killed a turkey
for Thanksgiving!
508
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:49,580
Well, looks like we're
having turkey after all.
509
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,816
(everyone laughing)
510
00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:58,256
PETER: Four years later, me andLois divorced and Stewie died.
511
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:00,491
Gobble, gobble!34197
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