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1
00:00:02,287 --> 00:00:05,155
* It seems today
that all you see *
2
00:00:05,190 --> 00:00:08,458
* Is violence in movies
and sex on TV *
3
00:00:08,493 --> 00:00:12,028
* But where are those
good old-fashioned values *
4
00:00:12,064 --> 00:00:15,031
* On which we used to rely? *
5
00:00:15,067 --> 00:00:18,535
* Lucky there's a family guy *
6
00:00:18,570 --> 00:00:21,838
* Lucky there's a man
who positively can do *
7
00:00:21,874 --> 00:00:23,406
* All the things that make us *
8
00:00:23,442 --> 00:00:24,774
* Laugh and cry *
9
00:00:24,810 --> 00:00:26,010
* He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! *
10
00:00:26,011 --> 00:00:30,011
* Family Guy 13x04 *
Brian the Closer
Original Air Date on November 9, 2014
11
00:00:30,012 --> 00:00:35,612
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:37,787
Today's
feature presentation of Glory
13
00:00:37,822 --> 00:00:39,155
will not be seen.
14
00:00:39,190 --> 00:00:41,457
What? Aw, I love that movie.
15
00:00:41,493 --> 00:00:43,893
Aw, man, that's gonna leave
a big hole in their lineup.
16
00:00:43,928 --> 00:00:45,461
What's gonna fill
the Glory hole?
17
00:00:45,497 --> 00:00:47,597
In place of Glory,
we will be showing Shaft,
18
00:00:47,632 --> 00:00:49,098
starring Richard Roundtree.
19
00:00:49,134 --> 00:00:51,334
What? You can't just shove
Shaft in the Glory hole.
20
00:00:51,369 --> 00:00:53,236
Yeah, I know. It'd
be better to put in
21
00:00:53,271 --> 00:00:55,138
that movie about the two
girls who meet Nixon.
22
00:00:55,173 --> 00:00:56,606
What's that movie
called? Dick?
23
00:00:56,641 --> 00:00:58,241
Dick would slide right
into that Glory hole.
24
00:00:58,276 --> 00:00:59,942
No, no, Dick's too short
for that Glory hole.
25
00:00:59,978 --> 00:01:02,945
But if you also put in
Edward Furlong's movie, Pecker,
26
00:01:02,981 --> 00:01:04,914
you got Pecker and Dick
in the Glory hole,
27
00:01:04,949 --> 00:01:07,383
and you got a tight squeeze,
but it-it ought to fit.
28
00:01:08,420 --> 00:01:10,153
The hell am I sitting on?
29
00:01:10,188 --> 00:01:12,121
Oh, hey, that's
my old rope toy.
30
00:01:12,157 --> 00:01:13,656
I was wondering
where that was.
31
00:01:13,691 --> 00:01:15,691
Ew, what would you want
that for? It's gross.
32
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:16,859
No, it's not.
It's awesome.
33
00:01:16,895 --> 00:01:18,428
I can suck on it
for the flavor.
34
00:01:18,463 --> 00:01:20,730
I can thrash it around,
pretend it's a snake.
35
00:01:20,765 --> 00:01:22,398
Sometimes I just
bite it like this.
36
00:01:22,434 --> 00:01:24,066
Rope!
37
00:01:24,102 --> 00:01:26,002
That's stupid.
38
00:01:26,037 --> 00:01:27,203
I want it.
39
00:01:27,238 --> 00:01:28,671
Well, you can't
have it; it's mine.
40
00:01:28,706 --> 00:01:30,306
Oh, yeah?
Not for long it ain't.
41
00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,343
Come on, Brian,
I need this rope
42
00:01:34,379 --> 00:01:38,848
in case I open
a nautical-themed restaurant.
43
00:01:38,883 --> 00:01:40,683
We got boat parts on the wall,
44
00:01:40,718 --> 00:01:43,252
so you know the crab
comes from the ocean.
45
00:01:43,288 --> 00:01:46,689
Eating next to a porthole!
What?!
46
00:02:03,508 --> 00:02:05,388
No, no, no, no, I don't
want to make that trade.
47
00:02:05,410 --> 00:02:06,843
I thought I wanted
to make that trade,
48
00:02:06,878 --> 00:02:11,848
but I don't want to
make that trade.
49
00:02:11,883 --> 00:02:14,283
Hey, Chris.
Where's your father?
50
00:02:14,319 --> 00:02:17,019
He's still trying to get
that rope away from Brian.
51
00:02:17,055 --> 00:02:19,121
He's got to give up
that obsession.
52
00:02:19,157 --> 00:02:21,023
I don't like what
it's doing to him.
53
00:02:21,059 --> 00:02:22,358
Precious.
54
00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:24,527
Wants precious rope.
55
00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:26,429
Peter, enough with
the rope.
56
00:02:26,464 --> 00:02:28,865
Also wants ice cream.
57
00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:31,167
No, Peter, it's too close
to dinnertime.
58
00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:33,803
Get ice cream anyway.
59
00:02:33,838 --> 00:02:35,805
Don't you dare.
60
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,907
All right,
but I'll be back in a moment
61
00:02:37,942 --> 00:02:40,510
as another movie thing.
62
00:02:40,545 --> 00:02:42,545
I am Johnny Five.
63
00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:44,046
Need input.
64
00:02:44,082 --> 00:02:46,015
Input is ice cream.
65
00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:48,618
I need ice cream.
66
00:02:48,653 --> 00:02:50,987
Did I say I'm
Johnny Five yet?
67
00:02:51,022 --> 00:02:54,257
You didn't go
to work today, did you?
68
00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:01,197
So, still got
that rope, I see.
69
00:03:01,232 --> 00:03:02,832
Well, I got a
better rope.
70
00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:04,367
That's not a chewing rope.
71
00:03:04,402 --> 00:03:06,102
I know. It's a tying rope!
72
00:03:16,514 --> 00:03:18,481
Come on, Brian,
you'd better let go.
73
00:03:18,516 --> 00:03:20,550
I told you this is mine!
You're never gonna get it!
74
00:03:25,857 --> 00:03:28,424
Just give me the rope.
Nobody has to get hurt, Brian.
75
00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:32,762
Only one person has
to get hurt, Brian.
76
00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:02,792
My teeth!
77
00:04:02,827 --> 00:04:04,961
Oh! Oh, man!
78
00:04:04,996 --> 00:04:06,929
I'm real sorry about
your mouth, Brian.
79
00:04:06,965 --> 00:04:08,931
Damn it, Peter.
What were you thinking?
80
00:04:08,967 --> 00:04:11,434
This has to be the stupidest
thing you've ever done.
81
00:04:11,469 --> 00:04:13,369
No, Brian. The stupidest
thing I ever did
82
00:04:13,404 --> 00:04:15,805
was turn the bubbles
off in a hot tub.
83
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,840
Yeah! Party!
84
00:04:19,844 --> 00:04:22,678
Ew, bath with friends.
85
00:04:27,185 --> 00:04:28,985
Now, remember, Brian's probably
86
00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:30,886
very self-conscious
about how he looks,
87
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:32,888
so let's try to be supportive.
88
00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,724
Brian! Dinner!
89
00:04:37,729 --> 00:04:39,495
So, everybody, how was your day?
90
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,664
What's for dinner?
I'm starving.
91
00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:45,468
My God, you look like
one of those animals.
92
00:04:45,503 --> 00:04:46,902
You know, the
one that...
93
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:49,405
Which one does the
sound?
94
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,741
That... Aw, crap, you
know which one I mean.
95
00:04:51,776 --> 00:04:53,643
Oh, who am I kidding?
96
00:04:53,678 --> 00:04:56,345
You got to take me to the
dentist to get my mouth fixed.
97
00:04:56,381 --> 00:04:59,248
Brian, we can try to make you
feel a little less repulsive,
98
00:04:59,283 --> 00:05:01,083
but we're not spending
99
00:05:01,119 --> 00:05:02,985
human money on a
deformed animal.
100
00:05:03,021 --> 00:05:05,688
What? Then what am I
supposed to do?
101
00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:08,357
I don't know. But here,
you can have this back.
102
00:05:08,393 --> 00:05:10,693
It's boring.
It doesn't do anything.
103
00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:13,295
You know what?
Go to hell, Peter!
104
00:05:14,465 --> 00:05:16,832
Wow, this is
the craziest meal I've had
105
00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:19,669
since I had lunch
at Tommy Sullivan's house.
106
00:05:19,704 --> 00:05:22,705
Very good macaroni and
cheese, Mrs. Sullivan.
107
00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,507
Thank you, Chris.
108
00:05:24,542 --> 00:05:26,375
That was just
awful, Chris.
109
00:05:26,411 --> 00:05:27,411
Terrible.
110
00:05:27,412 --> 00:05:28,911
He is not ready
for flashbacks.
111
00:05:28,946 --> 00:05:30,946
No, he is not.
112
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,186
Hey, listen,
113
00:05:37,221 --> 00:05:39,355
thanks for not laying into
me like everybody else.
114
00:05:39,390 --> 00:05:41,457
I don't care enough about you
to lay into you.
115
00:05:41,492 --> 00:05:42,725
But now that you mention it,
116
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,593
your face looks like
a used condom.
117
00:05:44,629 --> 00:05:46,862
Yeah, I know.
118
00:05:50,068 --> 00:05:51,200
Oh, come on, Brian.
119
00:05:51,235 --> 00:05:52,401
Don't do that.
120
00:05:52,437 --> 00:05:53,936
Don't cry. Be a man.
121
00:05:53,971 --> 00:05:55,237
I'm not crying!
122
00:05:55,273 --> 00:05:57,773
Look, listen, just...
here, just take this.
123
00:05:57,809 --> 00:05:58,941
What is this?
124
00:05:58,976 --> 00:06:00,109
That's my dentist.
125
00:06:00,144 --> 00:06:01,777
He'll bill me.
I've got an account.
126
00:06:01,813 --> 00:06:03,579
You've got an account
with a dentist?
127
00:06:03,614 --> 00:06:06,248
He sells me nitrous
at wholesale, I bang his wife.
128
00:06:06,284 --> 00:06:08,651
Those both sound
like things for you.
129
00:06:08,686 --> 00:06:11,287
Look, you want
his number or not?
130
00:06:11,322 --> 00:06:14,457
I won't forget this,
Glenn Quagmire.
131
00:06:14,492 --> 00:06:16,592
Don't ever say my name
like that, okay?
132
00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:18,227
And don't tell anybody
about this.
133
00:06:18,262 --> 00:06:21,464
Now get the hell out of the bar,
you pathetic son of a bitch.
134
00:06:21,499 --> 00:06:24,533
Hey, language.
My big fat black mom is here.
135
00:06:24,569 --> 00:06:27,570
I know I didn't just hear
what that man said.
136
00:06:27,605 --> 00:06:30,172
Jerome, you got to go
to extra church!
137
00:06:30,208 --> 00:06:32,808
Aw, Mom.
138
00:06:36,347 --> 00:06:40,149
We now return to
My Dinner with Andre the Giant.
139
00:06:40,184 --> 00:06:42,284
I could never give up
my electric blanket;
140
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:43,886
it's cold in New York City.
141
00:06:43,921 --> 00:06:46,255
You may argue that this is
a waste of energy,
142
00:06:46,290 --> 00:06:49,325
but to me, it's worth the
comfort because, let's face it,
143
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,861
the world is
an abrasive place.
144
00:06:51,896 --> 00:06:55,831
I have maybe hours to live,
and you're wasting them.
145
00:06:55,867 --> 00:06:57,833
Hey, I'm, uh...
146
00:06:57,869 --> 00:06:59,602
I'm back from getting
my new teeth.
147
00:06:59,637 --> 00:07:02,004
Well, come on in, Brian.
Let's see them.
148
00:07:02,039 --> 00:07:04,039
All right, here it goes.
149
00:07:07,578 --> 00:07:10,179
Oh, my God!
Look at your teeth!
150
00:07:10,214 --> 00:07:12,748
Hey, maybe you could
help us build the dam.
151
00:07:12,784 --> 00:07:15,017
If you think you got
the chops for it.
152
00:07:15,052 --> 00:07:16,418
Well, think about it.
153
00:07:16,454 --> 00:07:18,687
It's something to chew on.
154
00:07:19,791 --> 00:07:21,791
We use him
just the right amount.
155
00:07:27,324 --> 00:07:29,758
So be honest, huh?
You guys hate them.
156
00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,626
No, Brian, are you kidding?
157
00:07:31,662 --> 00:07:34,229
They're spectacular!
You look like a movie star.
158
00:07:34,264 --> 00:07:35,530
Really?
159
00:07:35,566 --> 00:07:38,600
Yeah, you're like an even
more handsome Adam Carolla.
160
00:07:38,635 --> 00:07:40,669
God, I can't believe
you guys really like them.
161
00:07:40,704 --> 00:07:44,506
Yeah, Brian, you are gonna
get so much sweet tail!
162
00:07:44,541 --> 00:07:46,441
Oo-cha, oo-cha,
oo-cha, oo-cha!
163
00:07:46,476 --> 00:07:48,376
Brian, you have
found your look.
164
00:07:48,412 --> 00:07:50,645
That is the best cosmetic
surgery in this family
165
00:07:50,681 --> 00:07:52,380
since Lois got
her boob job.
166
00:07:52,416 --> 00:07:53,648
I don't know
what happened.
167
00:07:53,684 --> 00:07:55,550
I told the
doctor C-cups.
168
00:07:55,586 --> 00:07:57,018
I told him something else.
169
00:07:57,054 --> 00:07:59,588
I think he did
a dam good job.
170
00:07:59,623 --> 00:08:02,057
Okay, now we've used him
too much.
171
00:08:07,064 --> 00:08:08,396
* When you're smiling *
172
00:08:09,399 --> 00:08:13,068
* When you're smiling *
173
00:08:13,103 --> 00:08:18,206
* The whole world
smiles with you *
174
00:08:18,242 --> 00:08:20,542
* When you're laughing *
175
00:08:21,578 --> 00:08:24,746
* When you're laughing *
176
00:08:24,781 --> 00:08:29,651
* The sun comes
shining through *
177
00:08:29,686 --> 00:08:32,821
* But when you're crying *
178
00:08:32,856 --> 00:08:35,223
* You bring on the rain *
179
00:08:35,259 --> 00:08:37,826
* So stop your sighing *
180
00:08:37,861 --> 00:08:40,495
* Be happy again *
181
00:08:40,530 --> 00:08:43,398
* Keep on smiling *
182
00:08:43,433 --> 00:08:46,668
* 'Cause when you're smiling *
183
00:08:46,703 --> 00:08:53,375
* The whole world
smiles with you. *
184
00:08:55,979 --> 00:08:57,779
Oh, good, you're
already here.
185
00:08:57,814 --> 00:08:58,814
I'm sorry?
186
00:08:58,815 --> 00:09:00,649
Can we ask you a few questions?
187
00:09:00,684 --> 00:09:02,317
Uh... yeah, sure.
188
00:09:02,352 --> 00:09:03,818
Is this a good
neighborhood?
189
00:09:03,854 --> 00:09:05,353
Uh, yeah,
it's a great neighborhood.
190
00:09:05,389 --> 00:09:07,522
Lot of families,
good parks.
191
00:09:07,557 --> 00:09:10,225
Uh, six fire hydrants,
but they are unavailable.
192
00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:11,926
They are previously claimed.
193
00:09:11,962 --> 00:09:13,561
They belong to some badass.
194
00:09:13,597 --> 00:09:16,231
Okay, but do you think
this house will hold its value?
195
00:09:16,266 --> 00:09:17,532
I don't see why not.
196
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:18,900
It's got a nice porch.
197
00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:21,036
And the yard's got
plenty of room for little ones.
198
00:09:21,071 --> 00:09:23,938
Although that's really
up to the two of you.
199
00:09:25,409 --> 00:09:27,809
Hey, so sorry I'm late.
Let me show you the house.
200
00:09:27,844 --> 00:09:31,279
No need to. Your partner
already sold us on it.
201
00:09:31,315 --> 00:09:32,814
Sorry, I-I
didn't realize
202
00:09:32,849 --> 00:09:34,616
they thought I was
a real estate agent.
203
00:09:34,651 --> 00:09:37,452
You are a real estate agent;
you just don't know it yet.
204
00:09:37,487 --> 00:09:38,386
What do you mean?
205
00:09:38,422 --> 00:09:39,422
Look at that smile.
206
00:09:39,423 --> 00:09:41,256
You're a born salesman.
207
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:44,292
You should
come work for me.
208
00:09:44,328 --> 00:09:46,695
Huh. Never thought
I'd be in real estate.
209
00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:48,229
You think I
can handle it?
210
00:09:48,265 --> 00:09:51,066
Every other divorced mom
at my kid's school is a realtor.
211
00:09:51,101 --> 00:09:53,268
I think you can handle it.
212
00:09:59,376 --> 00:10:02,077
Bonnie, I still don't get why
you want to see this house.
213
00:10:02,112 --> 00:10:03,645
The foundation is
totally out of whack.
214
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,413
I mean, the-the whole
house is slanting down
215
00:10:05,449 --> 00:10:06,681
to that cliff
over there.
216
00:10:06,717 --> 00:10:10,485
Uh-huh. Can you open
the sliding door?
217
00:10:17,828 --> 00:10:19,994
I'll take it.
218
00:10:22,032 --> 00:10:23,465
So tell me again,
where's the lake?
219
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:24,500
Right there.
220
00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:25,800
And where's the
summer camp?
221
00:10:25,836 --> 00:10:26,836
Right over there.
222
00:10:26,837 --> 00:10:27,837
I'll take it.
223
00:10:27,838 --> 00:10:29,671
Now, I am obligated
to disclose
224
00:10:29,706 --> 00:10:31,873
that the previous owners
were murdered in this house.
225
00:10:31,908 --> 00:10:32,974
Whoa, buddy!
226
00:10:33,009 --> 00:10:35,276
Quit drilling; you
already struck oil.
227
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:39,981
I just don't know if this
is the right time to buy.
228
00:10:40,016 --> 00:10:41,282
Yeah, you're probably right.
229
00:10:41,318 --> 00:10:43,284
Maybe we should wait
till you graduate college.
230
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:46,154
Thank you, but I'm
actually 42 years old.
231
00:10:46,189 --> 00:10:48,523
Uh, that's not credible.
232
00:10:50,193 --> 00:10:52,527
Hello, Doctor?
I need a new pair of eyes
233
00:10:52,562 --> 00:10:54,696
because clearly
mine aren't seeing straight.
234
00:10:56,266 --> 00:10:59,134
You know what?
Maybe I am ready to buy.
235
00:10:59,169 --> 00:11:00,602
Great! I'll get the paperwork.
236
00:11:00,637 --> 00:11:02,303
Hello? Hello?
237
00:11:02,339 --> 00:11:03,738
What's going on with your eyes?
238
00:11:03,774 --> 00:11:04,973
Oh, uh, nothing.
Everything's fine.
239
00:11:05,008 --> 00:11:06,941
Is this the guy
who wanted his pulse checked
240
00:11:06,977 --> 00:11:08,510
because he died
and went to heaven?
241
00:11:08,545 --> 00:11:09,644
Uh, yes.
242
00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:10,845
Please stop calling.
243
00:11:10,881 --> 00:11:13,481
This is a very busy
doctor's office.
244
00:11:13,517 --> 00:11:15,850
* Where you from *
245
00:11:15,886 --> 00:11:17,352
* You sexy thing *
246
00:11:17,387 --> 00:11:19,120
* Sexy thing, you. *
247
00:11:22,926 --> 00:11:26,161
Brian, five sales this week.
You're killing it.
248
00:11:26,196 --> 00:11:28,763
Yeah. And last night,
I closed another big deal.
249
00:11:28,799 --> 00:11:29,931
Kim in marketing.
250
00:11:29,966 --> 00:11:31,733
What are the specs?
251
00:11:31,768 --> 00:11:33,868
She's a two breast,
one ass fixer-upper.
252
00:11:33,904 --> 00:11:36,104
The entire property was
covered in a thick brush.
253
00:11:37,307 --> 00:11:40,775
Everyone in the office
besides us is garbage.
254
00:11:40,811 --> 00:11:42,310
Wow, Brian, you're
doing great here.
255
00:11:42,345 --> 00:11:43,611
You're really on fire.
256
00:11:43,647 --> 00:11:46,281
Thanks. I guess I should
stop, drop, and roll.
257
00:11:46,316 --> 00:11:47,316
Whoa.
258
00:11:47,350 --> 00:11:48,817
That's enough.
259
00:11:48,852 --> 00:11:51,486
The only thing is, anyone
can sell a nice house,
260
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:54,489
but a real star is someone
who can sell a dump.
261
00:11:54,524 --> 00:11:55,990
I can sell anything.
262
00:11:56,026 --> 00:11:58,493
Well, we got this crap
condo down by the marina.
263
00:11:58,528 --> 00:12:00,662
We haven't been able to
unload it in two years.
264
00:12:00,697 --> 00:12:03,832
You find some sucker to buy
it, and I'll make you partner.
265
00:12:03,867 --> 00:12:05,233
All right, sounds good.
266
00:12:05,268 --> 00:12:06,367
It's a plan.
267
00:12:06,403 --> 00:12:08,169
Hey, did I tell you about
Kim in marketing?
268
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:09,337
You mean my wife Kim?
269
00:12:09,372 --> 00:12:11,439
I'm gonna go sell
that condo.
270
00:12:15,812 --> 00:12:18,413
God, there's got to be a sucker
to buy this condo.
271
00:12:18,448 --> 00:12:20,048
Guys, this is on me.
272
00:12:20,083 --> 00:12:22,617
I just hit 20 years in the air,
and I got a big bonus.
273
00:12:22,652 --> 00:12:25,320
It's sad
when planes 'splode.
274
00:12:25,355 --> 00:12:26,355
What?
275
00:12:26,389 --> 00:12:27,389
Yeah, I guess.
276
00:12:27,390 --> 00:12:28,790
Anyway, I am flush.
277
00:12:28,825 --> 00:12:31,359
For the first time in my life,
I got money to burn.
278
00:12:34,397 --> 00:12:37,098
Looks like I found my sucker.
279
00:12:57,448 --> 00:12:59,181
Whoa. What?
280
00:12:59,725 --> 00:13:01,859
I didn't know you worked out
at this gym, too.
281
00:13:01,894 --> 00:13:04,028
Hey, Brian. Hang on,
I'm just finishing a set.
282
00:13:04,063 --> 00:13:05,095
Come on, come on, two more.
283
00:13:05,131 --> 00:13:07,131
Come on, come on,
you got to want it.
284
00:13:12,705 --> 00:13:13,705
Nice job.
285
00:13:13,706 --> 00:13:15,439
Let's get you a rubdown.
286
00:13:15,474 --> 00:13:17,074
I'm glad I bumped into you
because I've been meaning
287
00:13:17,109 --> 00:13:18,442
to give you something.
288
00:13:18,477 --> 00:13:19,477
What's this?
289
00:13:19,478 --> 00:13:21,211
That is the money you loaned me.
290
00:13:21,247 --> 00:13:23,614
Oh. That's pretty cool. Thanks.
291
00:13:23,649 --> 00:13:24,815
You're welcome.
292
00:13:24,850 --> 00:13:26,984
I just wish I could do
something more for you.
293
00:13:27,019 --> 00:13:29,353
Hmm, I could make you rich.
294
00:13:29,388 --> 00:13:30,721
No, no, no, that's just money.
295
00:13:30,756 --> 00:13:31,955
I'll think of something else.
296
00:13:31,991 --> 00:13:33,023
What're you talking
about, Brian?
297
00:13:33,059 --> 00:13:34,491
No, no, no, I've said too much.
298
00:13:34,527 --> 00:13:36,607
The one thing they're pretty
firm about at the office
299
00:13:36,629 --> 00:13:38,429
is you don't take
the inside deals
300
00:13:38,464 --> 00:13:40,197
and give them to your friends.
301
00:13:40,232 --> 00:13:42,800
What... What kind of inside
deal are you talking about?
302
00:13:43,836 --> 00:13:45,169
All I can say is...
303
00:13:45,204 --> 00:13:47,371
underpriced waterfront property
304
00:13:47,406 --> 00:13:50,007
that's guaranteed
to appreciate in value.
305
00:13:50,042 --> 00:13:51,275
That's all I can say.
306
00:13:51,310 --> 00:13:53,744
Oh, wait, a-are you bothered
by sorority noise, though?
307
00:13:53,779 --> 00:13:55,145
I-I don't know, Brian.
308
00:13:55,181 --> 00:13:56,914
I don't know if I'm a
real estate investor.
309
00:13:56,949 --> 00:13:58,515
Well, you might
surprise yourself.
310
00:13:58,551 --> 00:14:01,318
I mean, I didn't think I'd ever
be friends with Ice-T.
311
00:14:03,189 --> 00:14:04,421
What are you
thinkin' about?
312
00:14:04,457 --> 00:14:07,191
Thinking about putting
black guy hair in a ponytail.
313
00:14:07,226 --> 00:14:10,227
'Cause the times change,
but I don't.
314
00:14:13,566 --> 00:14:15,099
All right, guys,
here it is.
315
00:14:15,134 --> 00:14:16,667
Prescott Towers.
316
00:14:16,702 --> 00:14:20,204
Quahog's premier luxury
living experience.
317
00:14:23,275 --> 00:14:27,411
Nestled somewhere between the
ocean and your imagination:
318
00:14:27,446 --> 00:14:28,979
Prescott Towers.
319
00:14:29,014 --> 00:14:31,281
Quahog's only luxury residence
320
00:14:31,317 --> 00:14:34,351
catering exclusively
to the affluent.
321
00:14:34,387 --> 00:14:36,220
Affluent means rich.
322
00:14:36,255 --> 00:14:38,122
Come live in the kind of place
323
00:14:38,157 --> 00:14:41,291
a Persian guy would say
is a little much.
324
00:14:43,929 --> 00:14:45,796
The ceiling is a pool.
The ceiling is a pool.
325
00:14:45,831 --> 00:14:47,297
Quagmire, you got to get this.
326
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,633
I don't know about buying
a place without seeing it first.
327
00:14:49,668 --> 00:14:51,468
Of course not. I
wouldn't expect you to.
328
00:14:51,504 --> 00:14:53,737
But as your friend, I wanted
to let you know early
329
00:14:53,773 --> 00:14:56,039
because there's another buyer
who's about to snap it up.
330
00:14:56,075 --> 00:14:57,775
I think he's a
pilot for Delta.
331
00:14:57,810 --> 00:14:58,909
Delta?
332
00:14:58,944 --> 00:15:00,377
It's not Lew Sheridan,
is it?
333
00:15:00,413 --> 00:15:02,312
Well, I'm not really
permitted to say.
334
00:15:02,348 --> 00:15:03,514
Do you like
Lew Sheridan?
335
00:15:03,549 --> 00:15:04,715
I hate Lew Sheridan.
336
00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:06,784
It's Lew Sheridan.
That son of a bitch!
337
00:15:06,819 --> 00:15:08,952
Say what you want, but he's got
an eye for real estate. Let me
338
00:15:08,988 --> 00:15:11,088
just give him a call and let him
know he's gonna get the place.
339
00:15:11,123 --> 00:15:13,090
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
340
00:15:13,125 --> 00:15:14,458
Okay. I'll take it.
341
00:15:14,493 --> 00:15:16,393
All right. You
won't be sorry.
342
00:15:16,429 --> 00:15:18,228
Yeah, that condo
looks awesome.
343
00:15:18,264 --> 00:15:20,164
You're makin'
a smart move, Quagmire.
344
00:15:20,199 --> 00:15:22,966
Like I did when I wanted to
get out of that boring meeting.
345
00:15:23,002 --> 00:15:25,068
Third quarter projections
indicate our sales
346
00:15:25,104 --> 00:15:26,970
will be down 40%.
347
00:15:27,006 --> 00:15:28,939
Why don't we go through
the profit-loss statement
348
00:15:28,974 --> 00:15:31,108
line by line from
the past six quarters,
349
00:15:31,143 --> 00:15:33,644
which will offer us a good
cost analysis comparison
350
00:15:33,679 --> 00:15:35,579
that I think we'll
be able to utilize
351
00:15:35,614 --> 00:15:38,081
as we move forward - Aah!
into the next fiscal year.
352
00:15:38,117 --> 00:15:39,583
Hey, guys,
I got to leave.
353
00:15:39,618 --> 00:15:42,152
I got a nosebleed,
and, uh, I don't work here.
354
00:15:46,992 --> 00:15:48,859
All right, Quagmire,
now when you introduce us
355
00:15:48,894 --> 00:15:50,194
to the ladies
by the pool,
356
00:15:50,229 --> 00:15:52,162
I'm a millionaire,
Joe's a war hero,
357
00:15:52,198 --> 00:15:54,031
and Cleveland
is Magic Johnson.
358
00:15:54,066 --> 00:15:55,766
I own a lot
of theaters.
359
00:15:55,801 --> 00:15:58,702
I hope you don't know
much else about me.
360
00:16:03,576 --> 00:16:04,708
Is this the right address?
361
00:16:04,743 --> 00:16:05,943
This doesn't look
like the building
362
00:16:05,978 --> 00:16:07,144
from Brian's presentation.
363
00:16:07,179 --> 00:16:08,345
Come on, Quagmire.
364
00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:10,214
Never judge a book
by its cover.
365
00:16:10,249 --> 00:16:11,615
Or a movie.
366
00:16:13,085 --> 00:16:14,852
No.
367
00:16:22,595 --> 00:16:25,195
It's probably nothing,
but there's a stain on the rug
368
00:16:25,231 --> 00:16:26,630
in the shape of a little kid.
369
00:16:26,665 --> 00:16:28,265
I don't know if
you want this now,
370
00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:30,801
but I bought you
a mini cactus.
371
00:16:30,836 --> 00:16:33,103
What the hell?
This is a dump.
372
00:16:33,138 --> 00:16:35,772
Well, maybe it's still
got a nice ocean view.
373
00:16:35,808 --> 00:16:38,642
The harbor is poisoned.
374
00:16:38,677 --> 00:16:40,444
Damn it.
Brian screwed me.
375
00:16:40,479 --> 00:16:43,080
That's why I've never made any
major investments with my dog.
376
00:16:43,115 --> 00:16:44,348
What am I gonna do?
377
00:16:44,383 --> 00:16:46,717
I sank my entire bonus
into this place.
378
00:16:46,752 --> 00:16:48,552
Let me see your
contract, Quagmire.
379
00:16:48,587 --> 00:16:50,554
There's got to be
a way out of this.
380
00:16:50,589 --> 00:16:52,689
I'm gonna kill him,
that's what I'm gonna do.
381
00:16:52,725 --> 00:16:54,291
ClubAmigos.
382
00:16:54,326 --> 00:16:56,026
That's what we're gonna
call this place.
383
00:16:56,061 --> 00:16:59,296
Here it is. You've got
72 hours after closing
384
00:16:59,331 --> 00:17:01,932
to rescind the
purchase. State law.
385
00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:04,868
Thank God. I got to go
tell Brian the deal's off.
386
00:17:04,904 --> 00:17:07,170
Oh, there's a head
in the freezer.
387
00:17:07,206 --> 00:17:09,339
Ooh, and sherbert.
388
00:17:12,444 --> 00:17:14,011
We're looking for
Brian Griffin.
389
00:17:14,046 --> 00:17:15,679
I'm still within 72 hours,
and I want
390
00:17:15,714 --> 00:17:16,980
to get out of my contract.
391
00:17:17,016 --> 00:17:19,283
You'd have to speak to
Mr. Griffin about that.
392
00:17:19,318 --> 00:17:21,285
But I'm sorry, he's
not in the office.
393
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,486
Where the hell is he?
394
00:17:22,521 --> 00:17:23,687
Slow down, Quagmire.
395
00:17:23,722 --> 00:17:25,322
This sounds like
a discussion to have
396
00:17:25,357 --> 00:17:27,357
over a cone-shaped cup of water.
397
00:17:30,329 --> 00:17:31,595
Ah.
398
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:34,097
You can drink from these
and then put 'em on your head
399
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:36,800
to be a clown
from an Italian opera.
400
00:17:36,835 --> 00:17:39,870
* Laughing outside,
crying down below *
401
00:17:39,905 --> 00:17:42,539
* Pasta, meatballs,
Joe DiMaggio *
402
00:17:42,575 --> 00:17:46,543
* Fellatio, Pinocchio,
a pizza pie from Domino's *
403
00:17:46,579 --> 00:17:49,880
* All of this because
I'm singing in a pointy hat. *
404
00:17:49,915 --> 00:17:52,883
Look, Mr. Griffin's not here,
but if you leave your name,
405
00:17:52,918 --> 00:17:54,985
I'll let him know
you stopped by.
406
00:17:55,020 --> 00:17:57,054
Fine. Glenn Quagmire.
407
00:17:57,089 --> 00:17:58,956
Have him call me
the minute he gets in.
408
00:18:01,627 --> 00:18:03,627
They're gone.
409
00:18:04,630 --> 00:18:06,463
Well, for the next 72 hours,
410
00:18:06,498 --> 00:18:09,600
I'm gonna be harder to find
than a nice cat.
411
00:18:09,635 --> 00:18:12,135
You need me to clean out
your litter box?
412
00:18:15,808 --> 00:18:18,175
Mittens.
413
00:18:21,447 --> 00:18:23,614
Okay, Rupert, we're
going to play a game.
414
00:18:23,649 --> 00:18:25,248
I'm gonna be Buffalo Bill,
415
00:18:25,284 --> 00:18:27,551
and you're gonna be
a great big fat person.
416
00:18:28,821 --> 00:18:29,987
Close the lid.
417
00:18:30,022 --> 00:18:31,221
Brian? What are you doing?
418
00:18:31,256 --> 00:18:33,323
I'm hiding from Quagmire
for a few more hours.
419
00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:35,192
After that, he won't be able
to pull out of that deal.
420
00:18:35,227 --> 00:18:37,861
Well, if anybody knows how
to pull out, it's Quagmire.
421
00:18:40,766 --> 00:18:43,467
I have a lot of fun
up here in my room.
422
00:18:57,883 --> 00:19:00,317
Welcome home.
423
00:19:00,352 --> 00:19:02,319
Aah! Hey-Hey,
there, buddy.
424
00:19:02,354 --> 00:19:04,988
There you are. I've been
looking all over for you.
425
00:19:05,024 --> 00:19:07,157
That's why you've been
hiding from me in this motel?
426
00:19:07,192 --> 00:19:09,326
Now let me out of this deal
and give me my money back.
427
00:19:09,361 --> 00:19:11,695
Look, i-if you're not happy
with your current property,
428
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:13,230
we could roll
your money over
429
00:19:13,265 --> 00:19:15,298
into something in
Sinkhole Estates.
430
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:17,100
Those places are going
very fast, though.
431
00:19:17,136 --> 00:19:18,502
Who's a pilot you hate?
432
00:19:18,537 --> 00:19:20,103
You are such a scumbag.
433
00:19:20,139 --> 00:19:21,204
You know, when you were poor,
434
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,406
you were always a douche,
435
00:19:22,441 --> 00:19:24,074
but at least you
came by it honestly.
436
00:19:24,109 --> 00:19:26,677
But now, screwing over
the people who helped you?
437
00:19:26,712 --> 00:19:29,179
I don't know how
you sleep at night.
438
00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:32,482
My God.
439
00:19:32,518 --> 00:19:33,984
You're right.
440
00:19:34,019 --> 00:19:35,485
I'm a jerk.
441
00:19:35,521 --> 00:19:38,689
I'm a selfish
and pretentious jerk.
442
00:19:38,724 --> 00:19:40,157
And you're
the only guy in town
443
00:19:40,192 --> 00:19:42,926
who's ever called me out
on my crap.
444
00:19:42,961 --> 00:19:45,028
You know, I used to hate you
for it, but...
445
00:19:45,064 --> 00:19:46,496
now I think
you're the only person
446
00:19:46,532 --> 00:19:48,565
who was trying
to be my friend.
447
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,233
No, I think you're
misunderstanding me.
448
00:19:50,269 --> 00:19:51,435
No, I'm serious.
449
00:19:51,470 --> 00:19:53,203
Even though I know
you never liked me,
450
00:19:53,238 --> 00:19:55,539
you still helped me
when I really needed it.
451
00:19:55,574 --> 00:19:58,141
That says a lot
about your character.
452
00:19:58,177 --> 00:20:00,077
I'm ashamed of myself.
453
00:20:00,112 --> 00:20:02,446
Because I am none
of the things you are.
454
00:20:02,481 --> 00:20:05,415
You're honest, and direct,
and compassionate,
455
00:20:05,451 --> 00:20:07,050
and...
456
00:20:07,086 --> 00:20:08,418
that is 72 hours.
457
00:20:08,454 --> 00:20:10,687
Enjoy your craphole, dumbass.
458
00:20:10,723 --> 00:20:12,689
You son of a bitch!
459
00:20:18,330 --> 00:20:19,996
Wow, so I guess
that's it for you
460
00:20:20,032 --> 00:20:21,598
and real estate,
huh, Brian?
461
00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:24,167
Yeah, it was a lot
tougher than I thought.
462
00:20:24,203 --> 00:20:26,770
Oh, yeah, it's real hard
being a real estate agent.
463
00:20:26,805 --> 00:20:29,106
I mean, you got to be
able to count bathrooms.
464
00:20:29,141 --> 00:20:31,641
I once beat a real estate agent
in a game of chess.
465
00:20:31,677 --> 00:20:32,843
Me. A well-known buffoon.
466
00:20:32,878 --> 00:20:34,044
Face it,
you failed
467
00:20:34,079 --> 00:20:36,313
at people's
safety net job.
468
00:20:36,348 --> 00:20:38,181
Oh, come on, guys.
Give me a break, huh?
469
00:20:38,217 --> 00:20:39,516
I've had a
rough day.
470
00:20:39,551 --> 00:20:40,851
You've had
a rough day?
471
00:20:40,886 --> 00:20:42,995
You guys wouldn't
believe the day I've had.
472
00:20:42,995 --> 00:20:45,840
First of all, I didn't have any
clean underwear this morning,
473
00:20:45,841 --> 00:20:47,804
so I had to wear
a bathing suit.
474
00:20:47,805 --> 00:20:50,603
Then I missed the bus,
of course. Then it looked like
475
00:20:50,604 --> 00:20:52,444
it was gonna start to rain.
Luckily, it didn't.
476
00:20:53,156 --> 00:20:56,332
And like that wasn't enough,
then we had a pop quiz in history.
477
00:20:56,808 --> 00:20:59,333
Oh, European history. American
history was last year. Then...
478
00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:02,460
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man35556
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