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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:07,806
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:17,950
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:21,453
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,955
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:24,957
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:30,029
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,036
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Hotel TV,
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00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:39,471
the station that makes you feel
like you're at a hotel
12
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,140
when you're not at a hotel.
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00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,709
Have a romantic drink
by the concourse fountain.
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00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:46,478
Or you can watch the big game
at Chopper's Bar and Grill,
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00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,547
where they'll be pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,149
Or maybe you're in the mood
for something
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00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,383
a little more exotic.
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00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,485
Try Jose Gato's
Brazilian Steakhouse.
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00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,487
With rooftop views,
plus a fine selection
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00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:56,889
of blended rum drinks.
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00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:58,323
At the end of the night,
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00:00:58,325 --> 00:00:59,992
you won't want to say,
"Boa noite."
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00:00:59,994 --> 00:01:02,327
And you won't have to,
'cause Chopper's is open,
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00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,196
where they're pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:05,731
Should we go
to Chopper's?
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00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,232
NEWS ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this program
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00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,334
to bring you a Channel 5 News
special report.
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00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:11,336
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:13,005
Tragedy stuck Haiti today
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00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:15,507
as the island nation was rocked
by a major earthquake,
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leaving thousands dead
and injured.
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00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,346
Coming up, local newsman
shows a camera operator
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00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,515
how to center a shot.
34
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:24,683
There we go.
35
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,018
There, there's Tom.
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00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:27,519
There's the star.
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00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,555
Oh, my God.
That's terrible about Haiti.
38
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:31,356
We got to do
something to help.
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00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:32,691
No, we don't.
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00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,393
Relax.
I'm sure Wyclef Jean
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00:01:34,395 --> 00:01:36,061
has got it all under control.
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00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:37,362
I've always talked about
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00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:38,697
wanting to help in
these situations,
44
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,399
but I never
follow through.
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00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:42,701
Well, this time, I'm
really gonna do it.
46
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,236
I'm gonna start
a blood drive.
47
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,537
Good for you, Lois.
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00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,539
You'll be a local hero,
like Paul Revere.
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00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,208
The British will
be here soon.
50
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,709
We shall stand our ground
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00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:52,077
and fight them to the death!
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00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,779
Yes! Yes!
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00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,214
Although...
I mean, one of us
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00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:56,548
should probably
warn everyone.
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00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:57,916
You know... that the
British are coming.
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00:01:57,918 --> 00:01:59,051
I mean, not me.
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00:01:59,053 --> 00:02:00,285
I mean,
I want to fight.
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00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,254
I mean, oh, shoot...
I've got the horse.
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00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,423
I mean, but if
anyone else wants to go?
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00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:05,457
MAN:
I'll go.
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00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,892
No one?
All right.
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00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,961
I'll make sure everyone
remembers your names!
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00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,070
Wow, Lois, you really
got a great turnout
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00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:19,571
for the blood drive.
Oh, yeah.
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00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,140
The whole thing's going off
without a hitch.
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00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:22,608
Well, except
for that mosquito
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00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:24,309
who keeps trying
to sneak in.
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00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:25,611
Hi. I'm the new nurse.
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00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:26,912
Get out of here!
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00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,247
This blood's not for you!
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00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:30,082
Aw...
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00:02:30,084 --> 00:02:32,317
Oh, look, an empty tire
with some water in it.
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00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,820
All right,
I'm happy again.
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00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,755
I'm gonna go ahead
and thank you
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00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:37,956
for donating
blood today.
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00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,091
Donating?!
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00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:40,559
I thought we were
getting paid!
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00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:45,964
Peter, everyone else here
has donated except you.
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00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,166
That's not true.
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00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:48,433
That guy over there
didn't donate.
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00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:50,102
That's still
you, Peter.
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00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:51,937
Oh. Well, if I got to donate,
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00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,272
he's got to donate, too.
84
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,174
You, get in here!
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00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,643
(laughs)
Sucker!
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00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:59,178
Son of a bitch!
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00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,317
STEWIE:
Lois! Lois!
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00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:06,485
Mommy!
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00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:07,853
Stewie,
what's going on?
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00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,288
You should be
asleep by now.
91
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,023
I can't sleep, Brian.
Where's the woman?
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00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:12,958
I need her to read me
a bedtime story.
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00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,359
Oh, she's busy with
the blood drive.
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00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,460
Maybe I can help.
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00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:16,995
How about I read you
this book?
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00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,697
It's called
Apathetic George.
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00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,799
"George used to be
a curious monkey,
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00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,467
"but after
a month in captivity,
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00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:24,136
"all he did
was wait for food.
100
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:26,004
"The zoo people
wanted him to mate,
101
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:28,140
"but he lost interest
in that, too.
102
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:29,975
"20 years
and millions of dollars
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00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,510
in zoo revenue later,
he died."
104
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,645
Okay, I've had enough.
All right,
you know what,
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00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,814
I know something that will help
you sleep. Wait here.
106
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,983
Well, I hope so.
Because I've tried everything.
107
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:40,219
Counting sheep,
thinking sleepy thoughts.
108
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,221
I even hired the Sandman.
109
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,189
Sand and sand and
sand and sand
110
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:47,159
and sand and sand
and good night!
111
00:03:47,161 --> 00:03:49,027
Okay, I'll give you
a tiny bit of this.
112
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,829
It should help you sleep.
What is it?
113
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,564
It's cough syrup.
It's not really for kids,
114
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,800
but a capful
is pretty harmless.
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00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,236
Mmm.
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00:03:57,238 --> 00:04:00,505
Oh, so this is what Lil Wayne
keeps almost dying from.
117
00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:02,708
Ah, this is so relaxing.
118
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,376
I could get used to this.
119
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:07,512
Like the way I got used to
wearing European diapers.
120
00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:08,914
Don't mind me.
121
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,083
I'm just grabbing
a little cheese and vino.
122
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,587
If anybody needs me,
I'll be poolside
123
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:19,758
next to my weirdly hot
girlfriend with dark teeth.
124
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,864
Well, Lois, I'm
done giving blood.
125
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,032
Just ask this guy.
126
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,367
(à la Dracula):
Is true, Lois.
127
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,768
I sucked him dry.
128
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,870
He gave a blood
donation as well.
129
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,872
Peter, knock it off.
Just give some blood,
130
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,707
get your cookie
and be done with it.
131
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,409
Cookie?
Yes, Peter.
132
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:39,544
There are cookies
for everyone who donates.
133
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,046
Well, I already ate
two wedding cakes,
134
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,914
but I guess I could
go for a cookie.
135
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,082
All right, I'll do it.
136
00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:46,051
Peter, you're doing
a good thing.
137
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:48,253
Thanks, Lois, but you got
to promise you'll warn me
138
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,888
before they stick
that needle in me.
139
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:52,224
Actually, we
just finished.
140
00:04:52,226 --> 00:04:54,126
Wow, that wasn't so bad.
141
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:56,795
See, Peter? And now
you can have a cookie.
142
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,297
Oh, awesome!
143
00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:01,767
Mmm. Mmm. Oh, my God,
th-these are delicious.
144
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,568
Lois, you made these?
145
00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:06,071
Yeah, I found one
of my grandmother's old recipes,
146
00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:09,074
so I thought I'd make a special
batch for the blood drive.
147
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,743
Well, I'm glad you did.
These cookies are amazing.
148
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,780
They're even tastier
than Connie Britton's hair.
149
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,982
(licking sounds)
150
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,952
Mmm. God, your
hair is delicious.
151
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,321
Who are you?
152
00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:25,557
I'm the guy who killed
your bodyguard.
153
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,762
ANNOUNCER:
Coming this fall
to every network,
154
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:34,766
your favorite sitcom lines
preceded by the word "uh."
155
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,768
Uh, knock much?
156
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,438
(canned laughter)
157
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,107
Uh, that just happened.
158
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:44,142
(canned laughter)
159
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,945
Uh, so I guess this
is a thing now?
160
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,947
Uh, yeah, no.
161
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,849
Uh, awkward.
162
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,451
(canned laughter)
163
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:55,287
ANNOUNCER:
TV, that thingyou used to watch.
164
00:05:55,289 --> 00:05:56,788
Oh, these are incredible.
165
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,190
Hey, you know something?
166
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,292
If we sold these, we could
make a ton of money.
167
00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:01,993
Maybe we should open
our own cookie store.
168
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,129
Are you serious?
Yeah, why not?
169
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,164
I mean, if George Foreman
can make electric grills,
170
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,799
we can do this.
171
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,801
I mean, I've seen that guy
get punched in the face
172
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,803
a thousand times, and now
he's making science stuff.
173
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:14,172
Who'd think that idiot
would still be walking around
174
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:16,475
and Muhammad Ali
can't even talk anymore?
175
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:19,144
You know, having our own store
could be kind of fun.
176
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,146
And you'd really do it with me?
177
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,647
Absolutely.
178
00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:25,851
Oh, Peter, that actually sounds
kind of romantic.
179
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:29,554
I always wanted you and me
to work on a project together.
180
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,223
Oh, let's do it!
181
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,825
All right! Now, let's
turn up the TV real loud
182
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:36,561
so the kids can't
hear us having sex.
183
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,497
(Western music playing on TV)
PETER:
Aah! Aah!
184
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:41,466
Sex! Sex!
185
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,543
There's my handsome
business partner.
186
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,079
Now, we can't be late for
our meeting with the bank.
187
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,681
That's so cool you guys
are gonna open a business.
188
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:58,850
Yeah, well, I got a ton
of business experience.
189
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,519
I mean, I had that job
creating ads
190
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,721
for the North Dakota
board of tourism.
191
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,523
PETER:
Hi. Do you like South Dakota
192
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:06,358
but don't wantto see Mount Rushmore?
193
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,026
Come to North Dakota.
194
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,195
It's just a very long drivefrom wherever you live.
195
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,364
Best of all,most of the good license plates
196
00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:13,865
aren't taken yet.
197
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,201
Imagine coming hereand having "Cool Dude"
198
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,236
or "Yay Jews"
199
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,038
or "Boo Jews,"
200
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,207
depending on where you standon Jews.
201
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,408
North Dakota.
202
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,343
We're not even the best Dakota.
203
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,746
Stewie,
what are you doing?
204
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:30,248
Huh? Oh, Brian,
oh, there you are.
205
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:33,251
I've been... I've been looking
all over the table for you.
206
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:36,254
You know, I've got to tell
you, this stuff you gave me
207
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:38,557
was a lifesaver
last night.
208
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:40,392
I was out
like a light.
209
00:07:40,394 --> 00:07:43,261
And, you know, normally,
I'm up five or six times
210
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:46,398
to scream and defecate.
But you know what?
211
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,066
I slept straight
through.
212
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,968
Stewie, I told you,
there's alcohol in that.
213
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,470
It's not for kids.
214
00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:54,806
You're not for kids.
(laughs)
215
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,908
Stewie, you're drunk.
(slurring)
216
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,810
Oh, Brian's all serious.
217
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,079
"Oh, I don't... I don't
drink in the morning
218
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,914
because I've got
to land a plane."
219
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,416
(laughs)
220
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:06,318
All right, come on, I've got
to drive you to daycare.
221
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,421
Okay, okay, it's all right.
C-Calm down, calm down.
222
00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:11,289
Uh, uh, oh. Oh, I think I...
223
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:14,493
I think I've put my shoes
on the wrong feet.
224
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:16,461
Is it 9:15 already?
225
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,663
Lois, we got to go!
226
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,272
You know, I've got all
the papers for the loan officer,
227
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,841
but, I got to admit,
I'm a little nervous.
228
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,143
Don't worry, we're gonna
get this loan, no problem.
229
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:34,446
And if you get nervous,
just do what I always do,
230
00:08:34,448 --> 00:08:36,147
picture your
audience naked.
231
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,816
Good afternoon,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
232
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,285
Aah! Get that enormous
thing out of my face!
233
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,954
I'll be your loan officer,
so why don't you have a seat
234
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,523
and tell me
about your business.
235
00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:45,790
Our business
is cookies.
236
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:47,192
Now let me ask
you a question.
237
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,294
You ever
heard of money?
Yes.
238
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,296
Good, good. We're
on the same page.
239
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:53,131
Now, sir, let me ask
you something else.
240
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:56,501
Can you name one successful
company that isn't cookie-based?
241
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:57,969
Microsoft.
242
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,804
Peter, I'll handle this.
243
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:02,541
Uh, my husband and I would like
to open a cookie store.
244
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,009
We've done all the research,
245
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:06,478
and I'm very confident
we can turn a profit.
246
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,814
I've brought some samples
if you'd like to try one.
247
00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:11,349
She said one.
248
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,585
Take one.
249
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:17,489
Mmm. Well,
these are delicious.
250
00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:21,326
Let me just run this
by my supervisor.
251
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,994
Yes!
252
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:25,163
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
this bank would like
253
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,665
to help you start
your business.
254
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:29,367
Really?!
Oh, that's fantastic!
255
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,902
And if you have
any other questions,
256
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,838
you can call me
at any time.
257
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,740
(phone rings)
258
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,075
(groggily):
Hello?
259
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:40,445
PETER:
How far away are the stars?
260
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,385
Brian! Brian!
261
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,187
Hold-hold on one second.
262
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,022
I'll be right with you,
Mr. Duckford.
263
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:53,058
Brian!
What?
264
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:56,561
Let's order... I was just
thinking, let's order a kebab.
265
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,597
A what?
A kebab.
266
00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,699
But I... but I want it
in this order:
267
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,601
vegetable, meat, meat,
268
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:04,603
vegetable, meat.
269
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:07,606
And, uh, Mr. Duckford
would like some quackers.
270
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,941
(laughs)
Can I leave now?
271
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,944
No, no, Bri... No, you can't.
Brian, I need your help.
272
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:16,081
I've made a series
of small poops in my bath,
273
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,717
and I need you to scoop them out
with this fishnet.
274
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,752
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
You have to.
275
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,721
You're my butler.
I'm not your butler.
276
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,789
I know, but wouldn't
it be great if you were?
277
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,758
It'd be... I'd be so happy.
278
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,427
In fact, the only thing
that would make me happier is...
279
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,764
would... is... would be if this
tub was filled with "yawgurt."
280
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,899
Can you... can you get me
some yawgurt?
281
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,901
Is the yawgurt shop
still open?
282
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:39,738
Is there... is there some place
to dial up yawgurt?
283
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:42,107
Stop saying that.
What's the best skin yawgurt?
284
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:44,576
Who can... who can prepare me
a nice yawgurt treatment?
285
00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:47,312
If you say it like that one
more time, I'm gonna drown you.
286
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,314
Yawgurt. Uh, see?
287
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,316
You're not... you're not
gonna do anything.
288
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:55,854
Hey, hey, Brian,
am I a good little guy?
289
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,459
This space
will be perfect, Peter.
290
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:02,761
Yeah, it sure will, Lois.
291
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,796
Now all we got to do
is name the store.
292
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:06,097
Ooh, ooh, I got it.
293
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,298
Peter's Wife's Cookies.
294
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,767
(gasps)
I love it.
295
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:09,968
And I love you.
296
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,603
Really?
Yes.
297
00:11:11,605 --> 00:11:13,838
You know, we did so-so
building a family,
298
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,440
but this business--
299
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:17,609
I think we can really
knock it out of the park.
300
00:11:17,611 --> 00:11:18,977
Oh, we sure can, Lois.
301
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,612
We're gonna be a great team.
302
00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:23,415
Like Moses and his buddy who
liked to collect seashells.
303
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,688
Yay!
304
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,630
(exclaims)
I can't believe it, Peter.
305
00:11:38,632 --> 00:11:40,365
Our first day
of business.
306
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,866
All right. Well,
we have got work to do,
307
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,002
so let's roll up our sleeves
and get right to it.
308
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,704
There's a lot to do,
so we can't be afraid
309
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,706
to just roll up our sleeves
and get the job done.
310
00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:49,207
We can't be hands-off managers.
311
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,176
We got to roll up our sleeves
and just dig in.
312
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:53,044
Peter, your arms
are turning purple.
313
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,647
Purple with success.
That's the color of money.
314
00:11:55,649 --> 00:11:58,049
You got to do the work of two
men and pay yourself for one.
315
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,485
Just roll up those sleeves
and address the task at hand,
316
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,654
whatever it may be, not shying
away from the dirty work,
317
00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:04,889
but just rolling up our sleeves
and having at it.
318
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,825
Success is not given.
It is taken.
319
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,661
It's time to get in the game
and get dirty.
320
00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:11,796
All right, I'm going to lunch.
321
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,670
Uh, yes, I'd like
a chocolate chip cookie.
322
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:20,071
Elmer!
323
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,906
What, Mom? You promised
I could get a cookie
324
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,241
if I finished
all my surgery.
325
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,542
Did you?
326
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,211
Yeah.
All of it?
327
00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:28,747
Um...
Get back there.
328
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:29,914
I'm gonna do it.
329
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,751
What does it matter
when I do it?
330
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,591
Lois, Lois, lock the door.
Why?
331
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,526
It's that lady who comes
in, tries a sample,
332
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,928
and then whispers about
how bad she is. Hey.
333
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,865
Oh, my God, you have
chocolate macadamia nut?
334
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,733
Oh, could I just try
a little sample?
335
00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:50,935
(whispers):
Oh, I'm so bad.
336
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,270
Uh, sure.
337
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,905
You gonna buy a
cookie this time?
338
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:56,708
Oh, I better just
stick with the sample.
339
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:57,942
I'm so bad.
340
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,444
But at least
I know I'm bad,
341
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,546
so that makes me
a little less bad.
342
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:03,114
Or worse.
343
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,851
That was the right thing
to do, Peter.
344
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,924
Oh, boy, it's been
really slow.
345
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,793
I mean, if it doesn't
pick up soon,
346
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,795
we're not gonna stay
in business very long.
347
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:18,730
Don't you worry,
Lois, you keep baking,
348
00:13:18,732 --> 00:13:20,131
I'll drum up some business.
349
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,900
We just got to think
outside the box,
350
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,235
like the makers of
Dreyer's ice cream.
351
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,604
Guys, I've said it before,
and I'll say it again:
352
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,106
When people go to
the supermarket,
353
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:29,474
they need something
to look at
354
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:32,043
before they choose
Hãagen-Dazs.
355
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:40,285
Hey, dude, can you pass me
a speck of Spazz?
356
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,653
Sorry, brah,
all out.
357
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,454
You want a cube
of Froosh?
358
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:45,156
Nah, I'm not into Froosh.
359
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,258
I got a tear
of Laser Dragon.
360
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,426
Can I handle it?
361
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,929
I don't know.
Can you?
362
00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:53,665
ANNOUNCER:
Gum! What the hell is going on?!
363
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:55,667
(sighs) I don't know
what to do, you guys.
364
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,435
The cookie shop
is tanking.
365
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,670
If it fails,
we're screwed.
366
00:13:58,672 --> 00:13:59,938
My God,
what does it take
367
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,673
to get people
to buy a damn cookie?
368
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,174
Peter, let me
tell you something.
369
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,809
I spend $600 a month
370
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:06,644
on scented candles
at the farmer's market
371
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:08,446
just because there's
a hot chick selling them.
372
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,681
So what are you saying?
373
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:11,182
You just bragging
about candles?
374
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,617
That's a weird thing
to brag about.
375
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,118
No, I'm saying
sex sells.
376
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,620
Trust me,
you get a few hotties
377
00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:16,821
in that cookie shop
of yours,
378
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:18,823
I bet your sales
will go up.
379
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:20,124
Giggity.
380
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:22,193
That was an unearned
giggity, Quagmire.
381
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,461
I said "up."
382
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,495
No?
383
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:25,797
No.
No.
384
00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,498
Well, I'll try
anything, Quagmire,
385
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,200
'cause I actually like
running that cookie shop.
386
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,869
It's way better
than that job I had
387
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:32,804
telemarketing
to buttholes.
388
00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:34,305
MAN:
Hello?
389
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:35,373
Sorry, wrong number.
390
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,674
MAN 2:
Hello?
391
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,376
Sorry, wrong number.
392
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,644
(passing gas)
393
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,080
And how are you today, sir?
394
00:14:45,886 --> 00:14:47,819
Oh, my God.
395
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:50,088
Customers.
396
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,324
What the hell?
397
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:55,126
(indistinct conversations)
398
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,663
Peter, what did you do?
399
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,331
I saved our business.
400
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,733
And don't worry,
I only hired women
401
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,401
whose names are
cookie-related.
402
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,503
Lois, meet
Cookie, Sugar,
403
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,538
Spice, Cinnamon,
Brown Sugar
404
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,706
and Butter.
405
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,341
Oh, hey,
Butter.
406
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,143
Some guys
like Butter.
407
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,253
Peter, you turned our store
into a strip club.
408
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,255
And I don't like
what this place has become.
409
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,357
You mean hugely
profitable?
410
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,226
We made all that today?
411
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,594
Well, it was
twice as much,
412
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,396
but I had to bail out
Cinnamon's kid.
413
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,097
Thanks, Mr. Peter.
414
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,867
This guy's the best.
415
00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:39,237
Well, I guess business
is better than ever.
416
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:40,705
That's the spirit, Lois.
417
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,707
Just you watch, we'll
be a bigger success
418
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,375
than Richard Branson.
419
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:46,744
Hey, where's the business
guy in this boardroom?
420
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:49,047
It couldn't be that
tan, long-haired guy
421
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,049
with the white linen
pants, could it?
422
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,383
It is!
423
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:55,520
And now, to my amphibious
sky submarine.
424
00:15:56,456 --> 00:16:00,325
I have way too much money!
425
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,364
(thumping)
426
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,134
Come on, get-get down there,
427
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,036
you old bag.
428
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,473
There we go.
429
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,076
Stewie, what are you doing?
430
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,011
Being awesome.
431
00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:23,481
Whoa, whoa,
wait, wait.
432
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,249
You're in no
condition to drive.
433
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,919
I'm fine to drive.
I'm so fine.
434
00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:29,620
You s...
I can do all the tests.
435
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,823
See?
I can touch my nose.
436
00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:34,425
I can touch my...
437
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,661
♪ Head, shoulders, knees
and toes, knees and toes. ♪
438
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:37,929
Stop it.
439
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:39,163
No, you stop it.
440
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,498
You stop it, Brian.
441
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,666
You're interfering
442
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,835
with my professional
business.
443
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,739
Where's the radio?
444
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,809
(gasps)
Oh, my God, are you okay?
445
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,278
No. I don't feel so good.
446
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,981
We should probably
exchange numbers.
447
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:59,317
Okay. I'm a ten,
you're a four.
448
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:01,953
(cackles)
449
00:17:01,955 --> 00:17:06,090
♪ ♪
450
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:14,465
This one's our new
chocolate white chocolate,
451
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,467
and for every
dozen we sell,
452
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,369
we donate 50 cents
453
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,505
to Operation Smile.
454
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:21,806
Yeah, nobody's
listening to you.
455
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,041
They're all watching Sugar
456
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:24,842
write frosting
swears on her jugs.
457
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,144
(giggles)
458
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:28,346
She just wrote
"vagina" on her boobs.
459
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:30,148
That doesn't even
make any sense.
460
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,482
She's doing what?
461
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:32,817
I told her ten minutes ago
462
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:34,485
to put another batch
of oatmeal in the oven.
463
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:35,720
Oh, that dough
is gone, Lois.
464
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,488
I warmed it up
and put it behind
465
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,857
those waist-high
holes in the wall.
466
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:42,060
Is it spaghetti?
A bowl of grapes?
467
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,996
Ooh, this is the best
haunted house ever.
468
00:17:44,998 --> 00:17:46,898
Peter, this is disgusting.
469
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,733
I know we made a few changes,
470
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,869
but this store should
still be about selling cookies.
471
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:54,338
Well, you're never gonna
sell any looking like that.
472
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,674
There. Now you're
ready to sell cookies.
473
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:57,875
You know what?
474
00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:00,178
That's it. I'm done.
475
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,680
I don't know why I ever
let you talk me into this...
476
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,549
this...
whatever this is now.
477
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,918
It's a strip club that
gives away free cookies.
478
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,120
Ugh.
479
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:22,767
Oh, crap.
480
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,368
I should've known
something was up
481
00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:26,537
when I saw all those
cars out front.
482
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:28,539
Stewie, why don't you
come and have a seat
483
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,074
with all your friends here?
484
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,709
We have something
to say to you.
485
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,044
I'll go first.
486
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:35,780
"Stewie, I remember
the day you were born.
487
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,615
"I thought to myself,
here's a kid
488
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,217
"who's got a white,
empty canvas
489
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,751
stretched out
in front of him."
490
00:18:40,753 --> 00:18:42,887
Oh, please.
What... Who...
491
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,122
What is this...
What is this,
492
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:46,057
the circle
of perfect people?
493
00:18:46,059 --> 00:18:47,558
Who are you
to judge me?
494
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,560
Mis-Mister...
Mister Giraffe,
495
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,597
who lets l-little boys
grind on his rump.
496
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:56,300
Mr. Octopus, who lets
little boys grind on his rump.
497
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,102
Every one of you
has your own problems.
498
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,737
Yeah, but you're
the only one who almost
499
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:01,239
killed a kid yesterday.
500
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,740
Yeah, well, that's, d...
That's because that...
501
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:04,742
'Cause, because that
kid... That's because...
502
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,244
because that... 'ca...
because that kid...
503
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:07,945
that kid...
(sobs)
504
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,747
I know.
505
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,082
Oh, Brian.
506
00:19:11,084 --> 00:19:12,316
Who am I?
507
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:14,285
I don't have a cough,
and my sinuses
508
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,320
are remarkably
wide open.
509
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,755
But I have a problem.
510
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,790
Good. Admitting it
is the first step.
511
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:21,492
But don't worry,
I'll get you through it.
512
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:22,760
Thank you, Brian.
513
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,295
You're welcome, Stewie.
514
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,597
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to Chris's room.
515
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,299
We're doing
a masturbation intervention.
516
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:31,302
I got a bunch of his friends
sitting in a circle in there...
517
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,404
Oh, dear God.
518
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,510
Oh. Hey.
519
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,345
Lois, before you
say anything,
520
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:43,181
there's something
important I want to tell you.
521
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:45,616
After you left, I ate
cookie dough off the stomach
522
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,018
of a 20-year-old,
and then I vomited
523
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,653
and all the girls
laughed at me,
524
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:51,122
and then it came out that they
all think I'm fat and old.
525
00:19:51,124 --> 00:19:52,323
Is that it?
526
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,492
I guess what I'm trying
to say is...
527
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:57,528
I was wrong to choose
sexiness over my wife.
528
00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,530
Peter, what are you doing?
529
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,965
What-what was that?
530
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,800
Oh, back at the store,
I, uh, tucked my boner
531
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:05,469
into the waistband of my pants
and now it's sitting weird.
532
00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:07,138
That's your apology?
533
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:10,074
Well, that and this.
534
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,179
Oh, Peter, did...
535
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:16,814
did you bake this?
536
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:19,183
Yeah. I love you, Lois.
537
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:20,818
I really liked
having a store with you,
538
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,020
and I'm...
I'm sorry I messed it up.
539
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,156
I was only trying to help.
540
00:20:25,158 --> 00:20:26,991
I know, Peter.
541
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:29,227
So you want
to split this with me?
542
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,395
Uh, I wouldn't.
Butter helped me with it,
543
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,965
and she has
chlamydia fingers.
544
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,503
Well, it was fun
having our own store.
545
00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:41,005
But from now on,
my cookies
546
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,241
are only
for these customers.
547
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:45,710
(laughs)
Oh, Mom.
548
00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,745
So, Mom, what are you
gonna do with the shop?
549
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,213
Well, I talked
to the bank,
550
00:20:49,215 --> 00:20:51,382
and they agreed
to take it back.
551
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,351
Me love Cookie. Om, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom...
552
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,753
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