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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:07,172
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,842
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,845
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,315
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:20,686
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,220
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:23,655
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:29,394
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,468
Hey, guys. You look like
you're getting a little red.
11
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,336
Maybe you ought to put
some sunblock on.
12
00:00:38,338 --> 00:00:39,504
Joe, we just got here.
13
00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:40,839
Oh, sorry about that.
14
00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:42,407
These got
a little mixed up.
15
00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:44,509
"Hey, glad you guys
could make it!"
16
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,645
Ugh, look at Cleveland
over there.
17
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,647
He's obviously cleaning his feet
in the pool
18
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:51,483
without making it look like he's
cleaning his feet in the pool.
19
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,918
Oh, that's nice.
20
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,653
That's a good temp.
21
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:57,823
I wonder if this temp is
the same on my other foot.
22
00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,157
Oh, yeah.
23
00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:01,026
Sure is a good day for it.
24
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,328
Good day for
these wet paint brushes, too.
25
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:06,398
Is the pool too warm
for paint brushes?
26
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,436
(toilet flushes)
27
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:12,738
Hey, sorry again, Kevin.
28
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:15,407
I didn't see you in the tub.
29
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,422
Huh, what's all this?
30
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:31,890
JOE: Honey,
it doesn't seem like
31
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:34,259
the Griffins are leaving
anytime too soon!
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00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,560
Oh. Hey, Peter.
33
00:01:35,562 --> 00:01:37,129
Hey, Joe. What are
all these pictures?
34
00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:38,697
Oh, nothing.
35
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,565
They're just some stupid
scribbles I've been working on
36
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:41,800
for a children's book.
37
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,034
Well, I don't think
that's stupid.
38
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,202
I think that's
awesome!
39
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:45,804
I mean, my one
note on these
40
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,939
would be to hide a bunch
of dongs in the backgrounds,
41
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,441
but, otherwise, I
think they're great!
42
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,077
Wow. Well, that really means
a lot to me, Peter.
43
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:54,045
I've been working on this book
for nine years,
44
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:55,981
but I've been too afraid
to show it to anybody.
45
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,916
Come on, Joe.
You can't be afraid.
46
00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:00,552
What if Bono had been afraid
to wear sunglasses?
47
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,087
Then nobody would know
about Africa.
48
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,488
What's it about?
49
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:05,490
Well, it's called
The Hopeful Squirrel.
50
00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:07,058
It's about
a handicapped squirrel
51
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,127
who has to learn
to overcome his disabilities
52
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,796
so he can survive in the wild.
53
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:13,932
As you can imagine,
it's very personal to me.
54
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:17,435
Wait... were you
once a squirrel?
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00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:19,304
No, Peter.
I'm handicapped.
56
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,439
Well, you know, you ought
to do something with this.
57
00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:22,574
Really? You think so?
58
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:23,675
Hey, trust me, Joe.
59
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,110
I know talent
when I see it.
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00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,078
I mean, I discovered
Mr. Peanut.
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00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,847
Ordinary legume.
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00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:30,682
Ordinary legume.
63
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,418
Extraordinary peanut!
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00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,157
Oh, man.
There she is.
65
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,125
Wha... Who?
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00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,526
That girl,
right there.
67
00:02:41,528 --> 00:02:43,428
She comes in here every morning
after her run.
68
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:45,130
Ah, I'm obsessed
with her.
69
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,832
Well, why don't
you go talk to her?
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00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,266
Way ahead of ya.
71
00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:50,001
Wh... Where
are you going?
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00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,470
(panting)
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00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:54,306
And... 1,000.
74
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,373
Whew.
(laughs)
75
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:56,708
1,000 what?
76
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,677
Percent, that's what.
(scoffs)
77
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,445
You, uh, you in
the game, too?
78
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:02,013
You mean running?
79
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,949
Uh, let me think--
what's on my trophies?
80
00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:05,383
Uh... yes!
81
00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:06,451
STEWIE:
You're losing her!
82
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:07,485
Hey, I'm Brian.
83
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:08,486
Hi, I'm Chloe.
84
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:09,621
Nice to meet you.
85
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,056
Hey, uh, you
wouldn't maybe want
86
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:13,124
to grab a bite to eat
sometime, would you?
87
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,059
That sounds great.
88
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,460
Awesome.
89
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:16,995
You know, see, this is
how you meet people.
90
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,630
I tried the online
dating thing,
91
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,932
but there's just too much
competition out there.
92
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,670
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
93
00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:28,340
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
94
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:30,976
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
95
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,378
Hi, I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving
96
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,047
Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man
Warehouse and Emporium.
97
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,183
Due to a gut-busting divorce,limited people skills,
98
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,218
and significant proddingfrom my therapist,
99
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,721
I am currently seeking online
companionship as
100
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,490
a short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
101
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,058
And I would love to attempt
102
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,160
to convert my heavily
embellished Internet profile
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00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,029
and carefully airbrushed,
out-of-date photo,
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00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:55,233
into a night of
physical intimacy with you...!
105
00:03:58,605 --> 00:04:00,105
(knocking)
106
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,609
Peter, I just heard
the best news.
107
00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:07,245
Wow, word gets
around fast.
108
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,246
Nice, right?
109
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,681
No. Peter,
I took your advice
110
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,449
and sent my book
to a publisher.
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00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:13,685
They're gonna publish
The Hopeful Squirrel.
112
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,053
And it's all
thanks to you!
113
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,454
Joe, that's amazing!
114
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,423
So there's gonna be a
real live book out there
115
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:19,891
with your name on it?
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00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:22,027
Well, actually, I'm writing it
under a pen name--
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00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:23,595
David Chicago.
118
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,231
Well, how come you didn't
just write it under Joe...
119
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:27,632
S... Steenburj...
120
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,434
You know,
your real name?
121
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,736
I wanted to avoid catching crap
down at the police station.
122
00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:33,705
They don't like
anything artistic.
123
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,941
They were pretty rough
on my mime act.
124
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,142
I'm in a box.
125
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,778
Oop, that's the
back of the box.
126
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,313
You're not supposed
to talk!
127
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:44,049
Well, how else are you
gonna know I'm in a box?!
128
00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:48,253
(doorbell rings)
129
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,587
Oh. Hi, Brian.
130
00:04:49,589 --> 00:04:51,122
Hey. You, uh...
131
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,757
you didn't forget
about our date, did you?
132
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:54,159
Of course not.
133
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:55,660
I was just thinking,
since it's so nice out,
134
00:04:55,662 --> 00:04:57,796
we could go out for
a run and then eat.
135
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,398
Oh. Yeah. N-no, no. You know,
I would totally do that.
136
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:04,269
I-I just... I've already run,
like, so many "K" today.
137
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,670
Oh, come on,
don't be a wimp!
138
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:07,906
This way, you'll earn
your dessert.
139
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,241
(sighs)
140
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,845
Wow, this is great,
isn't it, Brian?
141
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,613
(panting):
Yeah, it's awesome.
142
00:05:15,615 --> 00:05:17,515
Hey, uh, is your vision
143
00:05:17,517 --> 00:05:19,918
also reduced
to just a tiny pinhole?
144
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,419
Just push
through it, Brian.
145
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:23,088
Once you hit
your runner's high,
146
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,656
you'll catch
your second wind.
147
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:25,924
Runner's high?
148
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,792
Yeah, my endorphins
always kick in
149
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,661
at the top of this hill.
150
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,497
Oh, crap.
151
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,733
(panting)
152
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,970
Brian, this is your heart.
153
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,438
What the hell do you thinkyou're doing?
154
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,606
Stop.
155
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:43,308
Brian, this is your penis.
156
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:44,442
Don't listen to him.
157
00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:45,977
We're this close to Bone City.
158
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,979
PETER:
Brian, I'm here, too.
159
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,682
I'm hanging out withyour penis and your heart.
160
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,817
Okay, here comes the top.
161
00:05:52,819 --> 00:05:54,285
Chloe, I'm not sure I can...
162
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,287
♪ ♪
163
00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:58,656
I feel it.
164
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,892
I'm feeling the runner's high.
165
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,795
♪ It was a beautiful day ♪
166
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:06,197
♪ The sun beat down ♪
167
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,799
♪ I had the radio on... ♪
168
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:10,402
Go get 'em, Brian!
(chuckles)
169
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:13,505
By the way, the sun
is really a black guy.
170
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,740
The moon is Korean!
171
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:18,043
Wow, this is amazing.
172
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,745
I never want to lose
this feeling.
173
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:23,748
♪ Yeah, I'm running'
down a dream ♪
174
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:26,584
♪ That never would come to me ♪
175
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:30,321
♪ Workin' on a mystery... ♪
176
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,490
Oh, Brian.
177
00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:33,992
That was incredible.
178
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:37,262
Yeah, you hump her
real good, Brian!
179
00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:39,597
I'm gonna go ahead
and close the shades.
180
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,268
I still see you!
181
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,539
Hello, everyone.
I'm Blake Walker
182
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:49,040
from Piermont Publishing.
183
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,776
Please join me in welcoming
David Chicago.
184
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:53,578
(applause)
185
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,948
Okay, so, uh, hi, folks,
and thank you all for coming.
186
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:59,417
I know this would've been
a great day to surf.
187
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,885
PETER:
That's not a joke!
188
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:04,456
Uh, anyway,
this is The Hopeful Squirrel.
189
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,891
"There once was
a handicapped squirrel
190
00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:09,394
who could not climb trees
to get food."
191
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,596
Okay, next page.
192
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:16,935
"The squirrel"--
193
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,803
the same squirrel
from the first page--
194
00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:21,906
"hoped that the other animals
would share their food with him.
195
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:23,942
"'Please,'
said the Hopeful Squirrel.
196
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,244
"'If you could all spare
just one nut,
197
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,446
I, too, could survive
the winter.'"
198
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,981
Sorry about that.
199
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,317
Mommy, I don't like
the wheel man.
200
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,085
"But none of the other animals
201
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:37,455
would share
with the Hopeful Squirrel."
202
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,257
Hey, eyes front! I'm talking!
203
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,792
Don't tell my kid what to do.
204
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,827
Well, maybe if you did,
I wouldn't have to!
205
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:44,629
(parents grumbling)
206
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,131
Shut up! This is free!
207
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,398
QUAGMIRE:
You know why it's free?
208
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,300
'Cause it sucks!
Quagmire?
209
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,303
I think it might
be time to leave.
210
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,339
Ah, crap, this is Joe's dream.
211
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,107
I got to do something.
212
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,609
Joe, what are
you doing?
213
00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,410
The-the squirrel doesn't
even sound hopeful.
214
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:00,912
It's got to be like,
215
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,847
(cheerfully): "If you
could spare just one nut,
216
00:08:02,849 --> 00:08:05,250
I, too, could
survive the winter!"
217
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,684
Oh, I like that voice.
218
00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:08,253
He's funny.
219
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:10,121
That's the man who passed out
at the liquor store.
220
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,290
Joe, quick,
give me the book.
221
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:16,461
"And so, the squirrel decided
to climb for his own nuts.
222
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,364
"'I don't need legs when
I've got a positive attitude
223
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,499
and arm strength.'"
224
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,269
"'I'm sorry that
we mistreated you,'
225
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:26,104
"said Buddy the Badger.
226
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,672
"'Could you find it
in your heart
227
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,207
"to share your nuts with us?'
228
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,643
"'Of course I'll share
with you all,'
229
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:32,877
"said the squirrel.
230
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:34,512
"'For if I could not forgive,
231
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,682
then I would be
truly handicapped.'"
232
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,083
(cheering)
233
00:08:44,824 --> 00:08:47,025
Wow, that was great.
Who are you?
234
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,494
Just a grown man
with a pet hermit crab.
235
00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:51,796
Listen, Joe, how would you feel
about your friend
236
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,865
getting more involved?
What do you mean?
237
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,301
Well, you would write the books,
and your friend, Peter,
238
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:58,469
would be the public face
of The Hopeful Squirrel.
239
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,038
He would be David Chicago.
240
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,840
Well, I...
I don't know.
241
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,475
Joe, this happens
all the time.
242
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:05,843
You wouldn't believe
who really writes
243
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,579
all those Stephen King books.
244
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:10,014
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Ding!
245
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:12,350
Scary stuff,
scary stuff, scary stuff. Ding!
246
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:15,353
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Lunch!
247
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,655
Look, Peter can get this book
into the hands
248
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:19,157
of every kid in America.
249
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,525
That's what you wanted,
isn't it?
250
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:22,060
All right.
251
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,562
Well, whatever you think
is best for the book.
252
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,497
Great! So it's all agreed.
253
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,399
Can't wait to work
with you, Peter.
254
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,768
What-what just happened?
255
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,071
Oh, the bookstore closed
and is now a Target.
256
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,007
But don't worry,
our industry's fine.
257
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,915
Excuse me, Mr. Chicago?
258
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,750
Could you please sign
my copy of your book?
259
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,452
Sure, I...
Easy there, Joe.
260
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,687
Hot Rod asked for Mr. Chicago.
261
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,392
"Give me all your money.
I have a gun"?
262
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,928
Oh, wait, I think
I messed something up.
263
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,330
"Never give up on your dreams"?
264
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,102
Listen, Peter, if you're
gonna act as David Chicago,
265
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,471
I need to know that you're
gonna take this seriously
266
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:08,539
and honor the message
of the book.
267
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,275
Joe, I got it. Trust me.
268
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,476
This ain't the first time
269
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,411
I've pretended
to be someone I'm not.
270
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,246
(making ghost noises)
271
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:18,616
Gene Shalit, I am the
ghost of Roger Ebert.
272
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,451
(screams)
And even in death,
273
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,287
I'm a better
critic than you.
274
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,289
Leave me alone!
Go back to hell!
275
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,423
(hisses)
276
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,659
Gene, is everything
all right?
277
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:28,793
It's fine, Joanne.
278
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,361
Go back to sleep.
279
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:34,065
(kissing noisily)
280
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,569
(grunts, snorts)
281
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,976
Good afternoon,
I'm Tom Tucker.
282
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,945
Welcome to another edition
of Cross-Legged Chat.
283
00:10:47,947 --> 00:10:49,681
Our guest on
today's show is
284
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,950
local bestselling children's
book author David Chicago.
285
00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:54,419
Welcome.
Thank you.
286
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:56,587
Wow, all your words are
right there for you?
287
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:57,855
(laughs)
288
00:10:57,857 --> 00:11:00,024
Quite... quite the imagination
on this one.
289
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:01,793
So, tell me,
how did you decide
290
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:04,062
to write about
a handicapped squirrel?
291
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,631
You know, I'd see
these crippled kids
292
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,633
limping down the sidewalk
on my way to work,
293
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:10,668
and I would just
laugh and laugh,
294
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,670
and I thought,
"Hey! Put that in a book!"
295
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,505
(laughter)
296
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,809
He's making people laugh
at handicapped people.
297
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,010
What's he doing out there?!
298
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,311
I'll tell you
what he's doing,
299
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,713
he's selling books!
They love him!
300
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,648
Now, I understand
we have some questions
301
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:24,716
from the audience.
302
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,184
Yes, I have a question.
303
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,619
Is the Hopeful Squirrel
a boy or a girl?
304
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,121
(high-pitched voice):
I'm a boy!
305
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,357
But in the book,
I'm drawn smooth down there,
306
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,392
so it's not a bad question.
307
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,960
Okay, that's all our time.
308
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:37,695
We invite you to stay tuned
through the credits
309
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,897
so you can see
where I buy my clothes.
310
00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:42,967
(cheering, music playing)
311
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:53,211
So what's
going on here?
312
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,579
Just having dinner.
313
00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:57,148
That's Dad's chair.
He's gonna be mad.
314
00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:00,485
Wow, Brian, you sure have been
doing a lot of jogging lately.
315
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,687
(chuckles)
It's called "running," Lois.
316
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,155
Why don't you
have some food?
317
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,656
Oh, you mean fuel?
318
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,859
Ah, no-no offense,
Lois, but that stuff
319
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,560
is nothing but chemicals
and empty calories.
320
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,430
Okay. I'll mush some up
and put it on the floor
321
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,365
next to the trash,
if you get hungry.
322
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,367
I think you bought
girl running shoes.
323
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,002
You know, in case
any of you want to,
324
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,270
uh, come cheer us on,
325
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,239
Chloe and I are doing
the Quahog Marathon
326
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,273
in a couple weeks.
327
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:23,841
A marathon?
328
00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,910
But-but what if that sexy boy
has another bomb?
329
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,413
Yeah, are you sure
you can finish a marathon?
330
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:29,714
I'm not worried, Meg.
331
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,382
I'm just gonna give it
all I've got,
332
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,851
like Scotty
engineering the Enterprise.
333
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:35,253
(alarm blaring)
334
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,721
Scotty, we need more speed!
335
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,723
SCOTTY: I'm giving her
all she's got, Captain!
336
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,224
She can't take any more!
337
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:42,794
Damn. Chekov, reroute
auxiliary power to the helm.
338
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,595
Scotty to the bridge.
339
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,632
Uh... Captain, this is, uh...
this is a little embarrassing,
340
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,567
but, uh, you know,
I've never noticed, uh,
341
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,569
the little lever
I've been pushing, it's...
342
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,638
it's only about two-thirds
of the way up.
343
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,540
I-I actually can give her more.
344
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,707
That's great, Scotty!
345
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:57,942
Mr. Spock, give us
readings on...
346
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,744
SCOTTY:
Uh, C-Captain, Scotty again.
347
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:01,379
Y... You're not gonna
believe this.
348
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,448
Uh, there is another
lever here, too.
349
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,384
The ship can literally go
three times as fast.
350
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,885
I... (laughs)
I'm sorry.
351
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:10,087
I feel like such a capital-J
jerk right now.
352
00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:11,456
It's okay, Scotty.
353
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,224
Lieutenant Uhura,
open all channels for...
354
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,960
Captain, I've-I've got to, uh,
interrupt again.
355
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,428
I've just been thinking about
356
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:19,063
this-this "giving her
all she's got" thing.
357
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,899
I mean, I've been completely
wrong for years now.
358
00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:23,401
I-I feel terrible.
359
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,436
I mean, think of how many
crises we've been in
360
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,638
where the issue was
how fast we could go.
361
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,907
I-I mean... I'm sorry, Captain.
362
00:13:29,909 --> 00:13:31,075
Scotty, it's okay.
363
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,143
No, it's not!
364
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,845
Eric's dead!
365
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:36,414
At the funeral, I literally
said the words to his wife,
366
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,015
"I was giving her
all she's got."
367
00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:39,417
Scotty, it's fine.
368
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:40,651
Sulu, lock phasers...
369
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,119
Captain, I just
got to jump in here.
370
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:43,754
W-We don't have enough
dilithium crystals
371
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,356
to run the phasers.
372
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,861
I've-I've lost all credibility,
haven't I?
373
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:56,033
Peter, I think
we need to talk.
374
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,635
You totally screwed up my book.
375
00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:59,937
You're getting kids to laugh
at handicapped people,
376
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,606
when I'm trying to inspire them.
377
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,608
I'm afraid you're
off the project.
378
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:04,709
What?
379
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,043
You can't kick me
off the project.
380
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,211
I'm David Chicago!
381
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,713
I'm the one who
wrote the book.
382
00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,381
Joe, come on.
Let's not kid ourselves.
383
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,016
All right?
Everybody knows my face now.
384
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,885
And besides, I'm the only
one of the two of us
385
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,820
who can do
a squirrel voice.
386
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,522
(high-pitched voice):
Well, I don't know
if that's quite true.
387
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,524
Joe, Joe, stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.
388
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,026
Sorry, Joe, but
the publisher loves me.
389
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:23,461
The public loves me.
390
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,629
I'm not going anywhere.
391
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,030
Screw you, Peter!
You know what?
392
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,298
You've ruined this for me.
393
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,033
I want nothing
to do with the book,
394
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,035
and I want nothing
to do with you!
395
00:14:32,839 --> 00:14:36,307
Aw, one of his shoes fell off
during the anger.
396
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,981
(toilet flushes, door opens)
397
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:46,851
Peter, Bonnie told me
that Joe's very upset.
398
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:48,886
Did you really take
his book away from him?
399
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,821
Did you just poop
and then get into bed
400
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,023
without underwear on?
401
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,891
That book really
meant a lot to Joe.
402
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,493
I think you should
talk to him.
403
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,662
Hey, that book would've
been nothing without me.
404
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,497
And besides,
he's the one who quit.
405
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,198
Now the publisher
wants another book
406
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,567
and it's all on me!
407
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,669
I just hate to see
you two in a fight.
408
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:07,505
And on the same week
when my sister and I
409
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,907
are having such
a big fight, too.
410
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,110
Good night, Lois.
411
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:19,116
All right, guys.
Ideas, ideas.
412
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:20,918
We got a Hopeful Squirrel
book to write.
413
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,253
All right, now,
who's got something?
414
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,854
I-I got... I got something.
415
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:28,125
What if the squirrel
has lasers...
416
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:29,794
that he shoots
out of his eyes!
417
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,062
Quagmire's
on the board.
418
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:33,364
And how 'bout
he got a frog friend
419
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,199
that's got some sort
of catchphrase?
420
00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:37,969
Like, if he's seeing something
kooky, he could be like,
421
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:41,639
"Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!"
422
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:42,974
Wow.
423
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,709
God just speaks
right through you,
424
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:45,643
doesn't he, Cleveland?
425
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:46,877
I believe he does.
426
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:48,079
Okay, what else,
what else?
427
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,648
If there's
a bison...
428
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,316
Is that a statement
or a question?
429
00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:53,618
It is what it is.
430
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,953
Ain't nothing gotta
be nothing, huh?
431
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,826
BRIAN: Hey, Stewie! Can you come
in the bathroom for a second?
432
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:03,127
(sighs)
433
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,296
What is it, Bri...
Oh, my God!
434
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,964
Hey, could you
close the gate?
435
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,834
Couple of calves
got loose. Ha, pow!
436
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,569
Brian, you're all sinewy.
437
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:14,171
Your whole body looks like
Paul McCartney's neck.
438
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:16,073
Thanks.
That's not
a compliment.
439
00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:17,308
You look terrible.
440
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,776
What does your
girlfriend think of this?
441
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,277
I dumped her; she
couldn't keep up with me.
442
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:21,912
Hey, grab me some more
Band-Aids, will you?
443
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,114
I got, like, eight
more nipples
444
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,815
to cover up
before my run.
445
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,352
You know, whatever you're doing,
it isn't healthy, Brian.
446
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:29,854
Oh, I'm not healthy?
447
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:32,289
Stewie, my heart rate is
down to four beats a minute.
448
00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:33,924
Besides, I got
to keep training.
449
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:35,593
The marathon's
in two days.
450
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:38,429
Brian, I-I'm worried you're
losing yourself in all this.
451
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:39,864
Do you remember that phase
452
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,799
when you thought
you were a pointer dog?
453
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:44,435
Was someone wearing
my new high heels?
454
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,371
You dick.
455
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,547
(dramatic music playing)
456
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,215
QUAGMIRE (over P.A. system):
Ladies and gentlemen,
457
00:16:58,217 --> 00:16:59,684
boys and girls,
458
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,952
hot moms who are married
but looking...
459
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:05,523
David Chicago!
460
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:08,192
(crowd cheering)
461
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,395
Hey, how many of
y'all bitches like to read?
462
00:17:11,397 --> 00:17:13,864
(cheering)
463
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:16,867
"Chapter One.
464
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,569
"It was winter in the forest,
465
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:21,739
"so the squirrel was happy
he'd built that hot tub.
466
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:25,376
"But little did he know,
a strain of super gonorrhea
467
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,011
"was gonna hit him so fierce
468
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:30,381
"he'd wish he was still
paralyzed from the waist down.
469
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,917
"On top of that,
some son of a bitch
470
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,785
killed his brother."
471
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,155
"The monkey's
kick-ass buzz saw hand
472
00:17:38,157 --> 00:17:39,657
"tore his head open.
473
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:42,760
"'His brains, his brains--
they're everywhere!'
474
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,662
the little girl yelled."
475
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:47,031
CLEVELAND:
"'Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!'"
476
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:49,400
"...exclaimed
Billy the Bullfrog."
477
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:52,570
"The woodchuck mom and her baby
finished their cocoa
478
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,239
"and then tucked in
for another cozy night.
479
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:57,441
But then..."
480
00:17:57,443 --> 00:18:00,444
"'Nothing but cops on the take
and hookers on the make,'
481
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:02,012
"said Randy the Raccoon.
482
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:05,015
"'What's a hooker?'
asked the bunny, who was gay.
483
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:06,250
"'That and a bag of crank
484
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,452
"is my Saturday night!'
spat Randy.
485
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:10,855
The end."
486
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,758
You're awful.
That was the worst.
487
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,693
We had trouble hearing
you in the back.
488
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,599
I'm sorry, Peter,
you're fired.
489
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,869
I'm sorry Joe's dream
didn't work out for you, Peter.
490
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,904
(sighs)
What was I thinking?
491
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:29,140
Joe's the one with
all the talent.
492
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,641
Me trying to
write a book
493
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:33,444
is like CeeLo trying to
find a pair of pants.
494
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:37,515
Yeah, I need to find something
a cartoon apple would wear.
495
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,220
Hey, you made it!
496
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:45,156
So you ready to watch
me kick some ass?
497
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:47,324
Brian, I think you've taken
all of this too far.
498
00:18:47,326 --> 00:18:49,794
You know, there is such a thing
as too much exercise.
499
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,562
Stewie, I know you're
worried, all right?
500
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,430
And no offense, but
I'm not taking advice
501
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:54,932
from a guy
who eats bread.
502
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:56,801
ANNOUNCER:
Runners, take your marks!
503
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,511
(screams)
Oh, son of a bitch!
504
00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,013
Ow, my leg!
505
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:10,648
Help me, somebody!
506
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,883
(grunting, groaning)
507
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:21,392
Brian, why does everything
you touch turn to garbage?
508
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,200
Peter.
509
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,302
Look, Joe,
I messed up.
510
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,937
All right? I just...
511
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:35,973
I just got so wrapped up
in all the attention.
512
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,542
The attention
you deserved.
513
00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:40,311
I know how much
this meant to you,
514
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,780
and I... I should've
just stayed out of it.
515
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,715
Listen, I'm...
516
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:47,551
I'm sorry
I mistreated you.
517
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:50,287
Okay?
You deserve better.
518
00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:51,689
Peter, wait.
519
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,024
If I could
not forgive,
520
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,327
then I would be
truly handicapped.
521
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:57,328
What?
522
00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:58,629
It's from the
book, Peter.
523
00:19:58,631 --> 00:19:59,563
What book?
524
00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:00,731
I forgive you, Peter.
525
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:01,966
You do?
526
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,500
Yeah.
The truth is, without you,
527
00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:05,336
I never would have
had the confidence
528
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,238
to get my book published
in the first place.
529
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,073
And that's all I ever wanted.
530
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,674
Friends?
531
00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:12,776
Frasier.
532
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:18,716
So, Bri, how's
that ankle itch?
533
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:19,917
Well, what
do you mean?
534
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,151
I'm just saying,
you probably have
535
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,720
an itchy ankle
under that cast.
536
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:23,921
It starts as a tickle
537
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,389
and then you can't
quite reach it?
538
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:26,924
Not gonna work,
Stewie.
Yes, you're right.
539
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:28,158
Best not
to think about it.
540
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,760
Even though it might
be a little bug
541
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:31,495
digging away
down there,
542
00:20:31,497 --> 00:20:33,030
just nagging
and itching and...
543
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:34,999
Ah, ah, crap,
I did it to myself!
544
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,700
Ah, what is that?
545
00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:39,270
Well, Peter, I'm glad
you made up with Joe.
546
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:40,604
Yeah, me, too.
547
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:42,439
It just goes
to show you, Lois,
548
00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:44,208
books is bad news.
549
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:46,543
Well, except for the books
they sell at Urban Outfitters.
550
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:49,280
The Single Girls'Guide to Happy Hour.
551
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,548
Dogs Who LookLike Presidents.
552
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,885
This one's just pictures
of people reacting to farts.
553
00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:57,788
I like where
the USA is headed.37707
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