Original subtitles

- We've constructed a paradise here...

but the world is still the world.

- Defib! - I don't have a pulse.

- Max. He's gone.

- I spoke to the captain, and if you wanted.

if you decided that you would like to be an M.D.,

he will support you for a full scholarship.

- It was never real.

I was never in love with Avery to begin with.

- I think I just heard you give me your inherent blessing.

Is it a bad idea?

- Sleeping with a subordinate?

- Alright, you scallywags.

The heat's on. Bets are in. Let's draw.

- If this were Settlers of Catan,

I'm telling you... whole different story.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'll trade two.

- Two please, Cap.

- So, we all jazzed for "Welles-ness Week"

with Bethany Welles?

I had to Zoom with her two weeks ago.

Bethany asked me, the head of housekeeping,

to personally wash all the linens

in her own special detergent

made from pickled cucumber brine.

- Aren't pickled cucumbers just pickles?

- This woman is a wellness celebrity.

She has no idea about what we do,

and yet, for a week, we give her the keys to the kingdom.

It's like putting a toddler behind a Mack truck

and saying, "Happy trails."

- Why on Earth would we give this woman that much power?

- Oh, naive little Dr. Odyssey.

There are exactly 10.2 million reasons why.

- Instagram followers.

- Her company sponsors this Wellness Week.

And it's a very public, very big deal,

so we kind of have a little balancing act here.

We do our jobs while simultaneously tolerating

Bethany's wackadoodle quirks.

- Last year, she tried to get me to use corn ethanol

to power the ship.

Corn.

I tell you, this whole, uh, "global warming" crap

is just so overblown.

- Global warming is overblown?

Just this week, we'll re-routing around

a major tropical depression off the coast of Baja.

Tell me, when have we ever had tropical depressions

in this time of year? - Well, if the Earth's

getting so hot, then you just explain to me

why there was 8 feet of flipping snow last Christmas

in my hometown of Dowagiac, Michigan.

- Rosie, I'm gonna tell you, you're the best damn engineer

that a captain could ever ask for

and nobody knows this Odyssey better than you,

but on this point, you're dead wrong.

I've been on the seas for the better part of my life

and sailed every ocean in every condition.

And I can tell ya,

from my experience, this isn't right.

These storms are stronger

and the hurricane seasons last months longer than they used to.

But speaking of disasters,

it's time for the rest of you fools to lose your clothing.

- Ah. - Good.

- Who's still in? - I'm out like Ellen.

Ooh.

Ohh!

- Rosie, you can smell that thing in Buenaventura.

- Uh, yeah. I'm out, Cap. You got me, too.

- Fold, but...

Well, joke's on you.

I'm an exhibitionist.

- Ha ha ah! There he is!

- Well, look, first I want to just say

thank you for inviting me

to the Boys and Butches card game.

- And "Bi's."

- Sorry. Boys, Butches, and Bi's.

And in that spirit of inclusion, I would like to say...

I'm in.

- Really?

- Really. - Okay.

Three cowboys.

Ooh!

-"How rude" is the catchphrase

of Stephanie Tanner on my favorite sitcom...

- Oh, no. - Oh! Come on.

Come on! - ..."Full House."

Okay.

Oh.

- Hey! - Okay. There we go!

- Why not the...

- The hat always stays on.

Well, that's game for me.

Remember-- this week, chins up.

We can navigate around any rough waters,

and we can navigate around the peculiarities of Bethany Welles.

So no tropical depressions,

either atmospheric or emotional, are gonna darken our days.

I forecast smiles

and smooth sailing and sunny skies!

Good night, y'all.

- Night, Cap. - Night, Cap.

- Are we still on course?

- Barely maintaining.

- Alright, team. We're entering the first trough.

Alright. Brace for impact. - Brace!

- So I got a letter yesterday, and, uh...

Well, uh, I got it.

I got the scholarship.

Yeah. - That's amazing!

- Thank you! Oh, congratulations!

- Thanks. Thanks.

- You're gonna be a doctor.

You're going to med school. You're leaving.

- Y-Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. - Wow.

- Yeah. - Man, I'm so happy for you.

That's-- That's great. - Thank you.

- That is great. - Thank you so much.

- Yeah.

Hey. Should we-- - Do you want to--

- Well, I just wanted to check in and make sure

if you wanted to talk about what happened, but...

- Uh, I mean, I don't have to talk about what happened.

Do you want to talk about what happened? - Oh. No, no.

Then I-- No, no, no. I'm good. If you're good, I'm good.

- We're great. - Okay. We're good.

- Yeah. That's good. - Yeah. Good.

Well, congratulations. I-I'm really happy for you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

That's Agnes Simkin!

She's an acupuncturist and a psychic.

She's helped thousands of people

diagnose chronic conditions.

- Unbelievable. Why rely on the scientific method

when you can just read your patient's palm?

- You both really think

Western medicine has everything figured out?

- Well, all I know is that when I get sick,

I go to a doctor for some pills, not a witch for some toadstools.

- Taxus brevifolia.

A.k.a. the Pacific yew tree.

Its bark contains paclitaxel, better known as Taxol,

the life-saving chemotherapy drug.

Practitioners were called crazy when they first started

using it as a cancer treatment. - Yeah, but maybe for this week,

we don't use that word-- "crazy."

- Mi Capitàn! Buenos dias!

Muy bueno to be back!

Bienvenida, Bethany.

Todo es bien.

Look at those sapphire eyes.

Oh! You're just so handsome! I came bearing gifts.

- That's so nice. - And you get a prize.

- Thank you. - And you get a prize.

And you get a prize. - Thank you.

- Captain! - And, Captain...

- Uh-- Oh. I'm sorry. Excuse me one second.

Do you know what this is?!

Ozone therapy.

- Where does that tube go?

- It's a rectal application.

Wellness culture. It's my agony. It's my ecstasy.

Sue me.

- Avery! Oh, my radiant daughter!

Look at you!

- You know, it's time to cut that thing out of your life.

And I know you know what I'm talking about.

- Yes, yes.

- We'll talk later about it. You must be the doctor!

Oh. Oh. Your aura.

It's a crimson, bloody shadow!

- Hi. Hi. - Huh?

- Sorry. - Ohh.

- Hi. I'm Kathy. I came all they way from Cedar Rapids.

I can't believe it's really you! I'm crying!

Oh, bless you.

May our tears, as carriers of truth, flow ceaselessly.

- Can I get a selfie? - You better post it. Right?

Okay.

Rowan! Rapido!

- Tag B. Welles Health and Beauty

for 10% off at our onboard store.

- Ah! The ship has called to me like a great spirit beckoning.

- May she nestle you securely in her mighty bosom.

- Oh. Ohh!

Everyone, I'd like you to meet

my dear, dear friend, Vivian Montgomery,

whom you may recognize if you own a television.

That's right. Viv is a two-time winner

of "Red-Hot Chef,"

and she will be overseeing our cuisine this week.

Oh, her liver carpaccio is to die for!

- Personal chef to a bunch of smoothie drinkers.

Sweet gig.

- Coming from a candy striper on a cruise ship?

Um, Bethany, what's all this?

- Oh, did I forget to tell you? Oops.

Might I wrangle the doctor for just a squeak?

I just have some tiny micro details to go over

just for pesky insurance purposes.

- Wrangle away. - You're the best.

My lawyers, the nervous ninnies,

demanded a doctor sign off on some of my cuisine choices.

You know, liability, yada yada yada.

You know, I've been on this incredible diet

for the past six months and I've never felt better.

Viv, tell him all about it!

- It's organ meats, nature's multivitamin.

They're rich in iron, copper, vitamins A, B.

Low in cholesterol and full of protein.

Here. Try it.

This is goat liver.

The flavor is smooth, delicate, and it's easily digestible.

- Are you asking me to eat that?

- Obviously. - No.

Raw meat is filled with bacteria, pathogens, parasites.

Why don't we cook it first? - No You'll ruin it

That's the food of our ancestors.

You know, they didn't have expensive flambé pans

or fancy polyurethane sous vide bags.

No, they took a raw bite,

they chewed, they swallowed, and they thrived.

- And they lived to the ripe old age of 22.

- You eat sushi, right? What's the difference?

Come on, Doc. What are you afraid of?

- I'll eat it.

- Tristan. So nice of you to join us.

Sh-- Happy to help.

Wow. That looks...

looks lovely.

- Thank you. - Mmm.

- See? Nothing to be afraid of.

I'm having Vivian include a special course

with tonight's dinner-- with your go-ahead, Doctor.

- I don't see the harm. What say you, Doc?

- Sure, but I want a member of my team

to oversee the food-prep process.

I don't want there to be any cross-contamination.

Tristan, you seem to have taken a keen interest.

- Oh, yeah. Whatever you say.

- You hear that?

You're mine.

- Dearie me.

- How y'all doing?

I'm Judy Riva the Smoothie Diva,

and I'm joined today by healer extraordinaire

Agnes Simkin!

Now, organic ingredients mixed properly--

this is nature's medicine. - Hm.

- So I put all the good stuff in one powder-- DivaDust.

Now, this is my proprietary blend

of superfoods, minerals, and pre- and probiotics.

- Hm. What's in it? She won't tell me.

She never has.

- Well, I can't tell you.

If I tell you that, my lawyers

will have you walk the gangplank.

- I have a crazy legal team, as well. Hm.

- What I can tell you is that this mixture

literally erased my son's dyslexia.

And for me, it cured a terrible case of chronic hiccups.

Uh, you know, three years ago,

Judy came to me and she said, "Eat my dust,"

in that very brash tone of hers.

Um, but I have to say, I'm so glad that I did, really.

Because I start every morning with a DivaDust smoothie.

And I know it's hard to tell in this tunic,

but I'm quite thin.

So the proof is in the pudding, as they say.

- Yes. The proof is in the dust.

I have, along with DivaDust,

a couple of incredible ingredients

which are not even legal in the U.S.

- Ooh. - Um, including bitter almonds.

These guys have twice the nutrients

and way more flavor

than the regular old ones at the supermarket.

- Excuse me. Can we get a picture with you?

- Oh. Of course, my loves.

- Uh, Miss Simkin? Hi. Um, I'm Avery.

I'm a nurse here on the Odyssey,

and I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan.

- It's a shame to see such a young and promising woman

working for the enemy.

Hm. Big Pharma?

The sickness industrial complex?

Doctors and nurses, like yourself,

have a vested interest in keeping people sick.

True wellness comes from within, not without.

- Um, I-I don't-- I don't think that's fair at all, actually.

I-I swore an oath to help people

that I take very seriously.

A-Are you--

Uh, are you okay?

- Huh.

I'm fine, sweetie. I'm an empath.

I probably picked up on a rogue emotion of yours.

Perhaps guilt.

Miss Simkin?

- 1027 on the pool deck. We need a stretcher, stat!

What the hell was in that smoothie?

- Let's get her cuffed up.

- No-- No tech. I'm tech-adverse.

No. Get it off.

- Prep 5 grams of hydroxocobalamin.

- Poisoned by bitter almonds?

T-That's impossible! They're organic.

- Yeah. So is arsenic.

Bitter almonds contain amygdalin,

which breaks down into hydrogen cyanide

when ingested in high doses.

- Be ready to initiate ACLS procedures.

- If I'm gonna be subjected to this Western medical torture,

I at least need to be able to breathe!

- I'm gonna get you some oxygen right now.

- No, no, sweetie, no. Allow my-- my body to breathe.

- Doctor...

- Spider angiomas.

- Avery, this isn't cyanide poisoning.

It's not the almonds.

- Well, I hate to say I told you so.

- What else is in those smoothies?

- I can't tell you that. That's-- That's proprietary.

I mean, that's like telling you the recipe for Coca-Cola.

She's seizing!

Let's get her oxygen now!

- It's just a thickener!

Ashwagandha root. B complex vitamins.

A Tara powder base. - Tara powder?

Prep for emergency dialysis now.

Prep the machine. We're aiming for a bicarbonate dialysate.

Start at a flow rate of 300 milliliters a minute.

- Got it.

- Monitoring for disequilibrium syndrome.

Tara powder. How did you know what that was?

- When I was working for Doctors Without Borders in Peru,

we would get cases of kids who were accidentally eating

the seed pods from the tara tree,

which is toxic to the liver, and they also bind to proteins,

making it impossible for the body to absorb them.

She'll be fine in a few days. - Explains why people who drink

the smoothies feel full but still lose weight.

They're developing malnutrition. Nice.

- Hey, gents. - Captain.

- Say what you will about her,

Bethany Welles puts together a hell of a gift bag.

Care for a saltwater taffy

made with Indian Ocean saltwater?

- Munroe, when I was 18 years old,

I worked a clam trawler out of Atlantic City,

and ever since then, that taffy tastes like

broken heart and permanent sunburn.

Tell me about this tropical depression.

- She's taking the usual route up the coast--

northwest to west-northwest.

If we stay the course, we should only encounter the outer bands.

Shouldn't get much choppier than this.

- Alright. Good. I'm still gonna want

some up-to-minute reports from the National Hurricane Center.

Give me some bridge-to-bridge comms

and forecasting models from OWS and GFS.

Anything changes, we'll just turn this puppy around

and make port in Baja.

Meanwhile, let's smooth this damn ride out.

- Sir.

Bridge to Control Room. Activate stabilizers.

- Control Room copies. Activating stabilization system.

- Folks, this is your captain coming to you from the bridge.

Now, out on the ocean, as in life, it's not a question

of when you're gonna encounter waves.

It's, what do you do when they come up?

And here on the Odyssey,

when the waves come a-rockin'...

we start rockin' and rollin'.

Boom.

- Not so much. - Yes, Chef.

- Hmm.

- You call that a julienne?

- ♪ Riders on the storm

- I call that a carrot.

- ♪ Riders on the storm

- Well... you're hopeless.

- I really am.

- ♪ Into this world, we're thrown ♪

♪ Like a dog without a bone ♪

♪ An actor out on loan - Back to work!

- ♪ Riders on the storm

- Yes, Chef.

- Hey, Bethany. Is everything okay?

- Absolutely not!

My beef hearts taste like organ meat!

Something is off.

- I'm so sorry to hear that. The meat is fresh.

It's emulsified with capers, shallots, anchovy paste.

It's the same as always.

- Listing the ingredients doesn't help, Viv!

Clearly we made a mistake!

You know, you're a talented cook,

but it takes a real brilliant chef to work at this scale.

Alright? Just get rid of it. Take it away.

And do that thing I like with the Spam and the mozzarella

and mix it up so it looks like tartare.

- Okay? Can you do that?! - That's cooking 101!

- Of course. - Thank you.

- What?

We're friends.

You're "friends"?

I thought you were trying to not do this.

- Do what? - I support

whatever you're doing or not doing.

She's talented, successful. Maybe this thing has legs.

It's got legs. Long ones.

Her food is awful. I can't eat this.

- For whatever it's worth, my liver mousse is really tasty.

- Yeah, well, it's making me nauseous.

- Then go have a Hot Pocket in your cabin!

- You know what? I think I will.

- No. Nope. We're not doing this again.

No more drama in the infirmary.

Go quash whatever that is right now.

- Looks like we're on the other side of that storm system.

- Yeah, maybe.

- Hey.

What is your problem?

Are you jealous or something?

Of you and--

No, babe, I'm not jealous.

You rejected me.

And now that I'm moving on and I've found someone

that I actually like, it's making you crazy.

What? She's nice and she's smart.

She's an extremely good cook.

- She literally doesn't cook. That's her whole thing.

She's a talking Cuisinart-- - Hey, guys.

- Ah...

- Ah, imagine coming out onto the deck...

only to find people talking about you.

Not cool.

I'm going to bed. I feel sick.

- Have a bit too much Zinfandel?

- No, actually. I had a lot of whatever you made tonight.

- Hey. Cut it out. Knock it off over there.

We got bigger fish to fry.

We're not on the other side of this storm.

We're in the eye of it.

Damn thing must have built up around us.

Brandon, give me your walkie.

- Captain Massey to the bridge.

Munroe, what's it look like on the Doppler?

First Officer Munroe, come in.

First officer Munroe, come in.

Psilocybin.

Ohh. Beautiful.

- What-- - What's going on, Cap?

- Well, Munroe, what's going on

is you're higher than Snoop D-O Double G...

and we're in the middle of a hurricane,

maybe one of the worst

I've ever seen in this part of the Pacific.

High?

- Yeah. - I'm high? What?

- Yeah. You're alright.

You didn't get into that, did you?

- No, sir.

- That's one in a row.

- Hmm...

- Folks, this is your captain

calling from the bridge deck with an update.

Well, it appears that Mother Nature has decided

to come along for the ride this week.

As calm as it may seem right now,

we are actually in the eye of a hurricane.

The worst of the storm could hit in a few hours or a day.

Remain calm and await further announcement.

I told you there was

something wrong with that food!

Avery, you in there?

You okay?

- Ugh. - I'm not leaving

until I see whatever ingenious thing

you've fashioned into a barf bucket.

- It's from the nursery.

It's for sandcastles.

- Not anymore.

Okay. Infirmary. Come on. Let's go.

- I have food poisoning. Just let me cocoon in privacy.

- How do you know it's food poisoning?

- Oh, because I am a very good nurse, Maxwell.

Abdominal pain, vomiting, and,

oh, yeah, eating a plateful of raw meat.

- Is it a broad pain or a sharp, persistent pain?

- You are a sharp, persistent pain.

We don't self-diagnose.

Them's the rules. Infirmary! Come on!

- No. I can hardly stand.

How do you expect me to walk to the infirmary?

No.

- Purify the space! To create a better place!

Purify the space! Put it on your face!

- I leave for five minut-- Are you burning sage?!

- Create a better place! Purify the space!

Create a better place! Purify the space!

- Hey, Tristan. - Yeah?

- You call that in to the bridge, make sure they know

there's nothing on fire down here.

- Way ahead of you. She showed up and started

babbling about healing rituals.

- Need a hand over here with Avery.

I need her vitals and put her on-- - 500-mil saline bag.

4 milligrams ondansetron for nausea?

- My guy. And for pain? - Ozone.

- No, I was gonna say Toradol, but...

- No. She's inhaling the ozone.

- Oh, God! Bethany! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

We do not inhale the ozone. That's toxic.

Okay. Hi, Bethany. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I'm gonna need to take your vitals. Okay?

- Mm-hmm. - Stick with me for one sec.

- I can do this. - Dr. Odyssey!

- Hey, Tristan. - Yeah?

- I need a CBC and a tox screen.

I think she might have ingested something.

- Yeah, a spoonful of bath salts maybe?

- Also prep some Ativan. We're gonna do a grab-and-stab.

- Grab-and-stab. - Hi, Bethany. Hi. Hi.

How you doing? Deep breaths. One breath. Two breath.

Three deep-- Three deep breaths.

- Sleep well, B. Welles.

- Let's get her in some straps, just in case.

We're back with you.

- Alright. What happens when you palpate your right side?

- Oww! Rebound pain.

Okay. It's not food poisoning.

It's either, um-- It's kidney stones, diverticulitis...

- Or appendicitis. - Appendicitis?

Do we have time to do tests, a CT scan?

- No, but we don't need to.

Are you familiar with RPO procedure?

- Nuh-unh. - There are three checks.

One, pain in the lower-right quadrant.

You've already exhibited that.

Two pain when the right leg is flexed.

Check.

Three, pain when the hip is put into interior rotation.

- Ow! Check, check, check! Ding, ding, ding!

Max, I think you're gonna have to operate.

Ooh! It feels like it's gonna rupture!

- Yeah, I told you. I told you.

I told you it wasn't food poisoning.

Why won't you listen to me, Aves?!

- All guests, please return to your cabins.

All guests, please return to your cabins.

- Well, we've outrun her about as long as we can.

Rosie, set speed to 120 RPMs.

Helmsman, adjust your heading to 045 degrees.

Set condition Zebra.

All hands, prepare for heavy weather.

Secure all openings.

I want this ship drier than Rosie's stories

about growing up in Dowagiac.

- Roger that. But you live for my stories, Cap! Don't lie!

- Engage heeling pumps on starboard

to counteract portside list.

- Good idea, Tim Leary. Did you get that, Rosie?

Heard it and on it.

- Folks, this is the Captain coming from the bridge deck.

Well--

It's a funny thing about being surrounded on all sides.

The only way out is through.

Go to your cabins, secure your belongings,

and brace for rough water.

- Infirmary to Bridge. Captain, you there?

- Yeah, Max. What do you need?

- Honestly, I need a miracle.

It's Avery. Her appendix is about to burst.

We need to do emergency surgery.

I need 20 minutes of calm waters.

- Is that 20 consecutive minutes?

- I'll take 'em how I can get 'em.

- Alright. Stay calm.

Avery's in good hands with you and Tristan,

and you're in good hands with me and the bridge crew up here.

I'm gonna get you that 20 minutes,

but it's not gonna be all at once.

It's gonna take the better part of the next hour.

I got an idea. It's an old seamen's maneuver.

It violates about 50 nautical laws...

but we'll deal with that later.

The only thing you have to do is stay calm

and follow my instructions to the letter.

Can you do it?

- Yes, sir. We can do it.

- Alright.

This is how "trough riding" works.

We're gonna navigate this storm in a big zig-zag pattern.

I'm gonna position the ship in the trough of a wave,

and that should carry us along for a couple minutes.

When we absolutely have to, I'll give warning

and we'll make a hard 90-degree turn,

thrust through the wave and into the next trough,

which should buy us a couple more minutes.

- So instead of steady rocking, we'll have moments of calm

followed by "Whoa, mama, hang on to your hat!"

That's exactly right, Rosie.

Guys, the life of one of our own is on the line down there.

The only way this works is if we stay

in constant contact and communication. Copy?

- Yes, sir. - Copy that.

- How am I supposed to pull this off, huh?

Without you bossing me around?

- Just remember-- if you kill me,

my ghost is gonna come crop-dust you

every time you're alone with a girl.

- Intubating now.

- Alright, team. We're entering the first trough.

- Cutting along the McBurney line now.

Access.

Locating the appendix.

- Got it.

- Time's up! I gotta make the turn!

- One sec, Cap!

- Don't have it. Brace now.

- Watch it. If those hit the ground, they're useless.

- Yeah. There it is. I got it.

- Clamp.

Clamp.

- Brace for impact. Brace!

- Sir, the wind. It's changing direction on us.

- We got a rogue wave coming.

Get ready. Brace yourself now!

- Ligatures are loose. I got uncontrolled bleeding.

I need visualization, stat.

Yeah. We're good.

- We're okay, Cap. We lost you there.

But we're okay. All three of us.

- Well, I'm glad to hear it.

It's not over yet, but I think we're through the worst of it.

- It's still too shaky.

I can't get the sutures to stick.

- Can I?

- Got it.

- We call this the "cruise ship knot."

It's the same as a square knot,

but you double the back loops.

You see?

Scissors.

- That's actually... very smart.

- Well...

I do know some things, Doc.

- Whoo! - Yes.

- Yeah, baby! That was fun! Wanna do it again?

- Whoo! That's what I'm talking about, baby!

- Hey, Tristan...

You know a lot more than some things.

That was incredible work.

I wouldn't have wanted anybody else in there with me.

- Her blood pressure's dropping. Heartbeat's irregular.

- Looks like she vomited during the storm.

Let's get her on her side so she doesn't aspirate.

- Yeah. - Ready? One. Two. Three.

- Do you think it's drugs?

Hallucinogenic therapy?

- I'm not so sure. Look at her wrists. Swelling.

Yellowing of the fingernails.

- Jaundice. Something to do with her liver.

Oh.

Such negative auras.

Ugh.

- That's what she said to me when we first met.

I had a "crimson aura."

Bingo.

Kayser-Fleischer rings.

- Uh, w-what? - It's copper poisoning.

Y-You see the rust-colored rings around her Iris?

- Mm-hmm. - That's why she's seeing auras.

Her vision's clouded. It also explains

the neurological symptoms and the ataxia.

Organ meat-- extremely high in heavy metals.

And liver is high in copper. She needs chelation therapy.

We need to detox her system.

Let's get her on an I.V. of penicillamine.

- Yeah. - Ondansetron for nausea.

Also let's put her on a normal saline bolus

just to flush out her system. - I got it.

Hmm.

Energy meridians run like streams through the body.

Strong emotions muddy the waters, pollute the soul.

- Agnes, are you sure you're ready to do this?

I mean, I thought I killed you.

- Sweetie, it's gonna take more than a smoothie to get rid of me.

Hm!

- I'm closing up shop. I've blended my last bebida.

- Judy, sweetie, you're a healer, for Goddess' sake.

You can't quit that easy.

Did I ever tell you about that pro golfer

whose shoulder I was working on?

I can't say who he is, of course,

but let's just say he was a real "big cat"

if you catch my drift.

It was Tiger Woods. Yeah.

I was tapping his Yunmen, the cloud gate,

but I was a millimeter off.

He lost sensation in his whole arm

a week before the Masters.

Gradually over the next six days, sensation returned.

And that weekend, he shot 18 below par,

took home the Green Jacket.

It's amazing what miracles can happen with catastrophe.

Huh. I'm sensing a real imbalance right here in your Tianliao.

Yeah. Inhale deeply for me.

Ooh. That one felt kind of funny.

- Oh, yeah. That's toxicity leaving the body.

Now exhale all that negativity.

- Judy, does it hurt when you breathe?

- Yes. - Her lips are turning blue.

Central cyanosis. O2 SATS are at 88%.

She needs oxygen. - How long are these needles?

- Uh, they range. The black ones are 100 millimeters.

- 100 millimeters?

The intrapleural space is 25 millimeters,

so what you've done here is punctured her lung.

Now all the air is rushing out into her chest cavity

and it's crushing her heart and lungs.

- O2 SATS are at 70. - Prep for a thoracostomy.

I'm gonna get these needles out now.

- No! No, no, no! Are you crazy?!

If you interrupt her treatment now,

you could permanently alter her energy pathways!

What she needs is to breathe through this.

- The only way she's breathing through this

is through a chest tube.

- Judy, when I tell you, I'm gonna need you

to breathe out all the air in your lungs and hold it.

Okay?

Scalpel.

Ready?

- Hm.

- Okay. Now.

This is gonna hurt a little.

Drape. - Okay.

- Finish dressing the wound. Monitor her vitals.

I'm gonna go check on Avery. - She's fine.

She's better than ever, actually.

She needed this. She needed this.

- You!

Me.

I must say. This is feeling very "Gift of the Magi."

- Is that that story about the poor husband and wife

who try to buy each other the perfect Christmas present?

She sells her hair to buy him a watch chain.

He sells his watch to buy her a comb.

- Two people with the purest of intentions

ensnared by the cruelest circumstances.

- Are you trying to turn this into some kind of--

- Shh, shh, shh. Sweetie, sweetie.

I can intuit what you're thinking.

Okay? And I forgive you.

- You nearly killed me, you carnival-act fraud.

- Stop! Break it up! - She crossed a boundary!

- I am thrilled to announce the launch of our new product,

B. Welles Detox, a high-quality, at-home chelation system

that will help remove heavy toxic metals from our systems.

- Pollutants she put there.

Stay super sweet. Really beautiful dress.

Anyhoozle... I'm very excited to say

that I'll be partnering with the fabulous Purdue Pharma.

Can we do another one, Rowan?

- I am ending up with some ceremonial-grade lip balm.

- As am I.

- Oh. Big bet. - Big time.

- Wait a minute.

Are you gambling with precious B. Welles products?

- And losing quite badly, I might add.

- I would happily trade all the serums and balms in the world

to never have to do a Wellness Week ever again.

- Hear, hear. Cap? Please? No, we can't.

- I'm one step ahead of you whiners. As usual.

I spoke to Lenore this morning.

We are not renewing with B. Welles.

Didn't hurt that Lenore had broken out in hives

from one of the sunless tanners that Bethany had given her.

Well, from now on,

when it comes to wellness, I'm sticking to the classics.

Eat your veggies, take the stairs, drink water.

- And regular checkups.

- And maybe a colonic here or there.

- Hi. Soup.

It's cooked. I promise.

- Is this an olive branch?

- Uh, well, it's my chicken cassoulet

with basil oil and white truffle.

All of that raw-meat stuff, that was Bethany.

This is more me.

- Oh, wow.

That's, um-- That's incredible.

- Well, there's more where that came from.

- Uh, reminds me-- Chef Ricamore has, uh,

suddenly made an abrupt departure from the Odyssey.

Something crazy like a newborn baby girl or something.

So Vivian has graciously agreed

to stay with us for the rest of the season.

- Oh, wait. You, uh-- You quit your job with Bethany?

Congrats. - Yeah.

She gave a whole new meaning to toxic work environment.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm looking forward to

cooking for people who are actually sane.

- Oh, well, let me know when you find those people.

Okay. Well, that's my cue.

This week, I give you three permission to stay below deck

while we manage the disembarkment.

Come with me?

- Yeah. I'll, um-- I'll see you around.

- Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I will catch you on the port side. Ha-ha.

Really, Tristan?

- Real talk.

I almost died last night, didn't I?

- What?! No.

- Once you were out, there were hardly any waves.

Honestly. We breezed right through it. It was simple.

- Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Go on. Get out of here.

You only get two days before the next cruise.

You don't want to waste them here.

Roller skating on the boardwalk or play Whac-A-Mole

or whatever it is you do in your free time. What are you doing?

- You know, I was never any good at roller-skating.

- I don't play Whac-A-Mole because of ethical issues.

Animal cruelty.

Now, if you're not gonna eat that soup,

I have a delicious new recipe.

It's pizza rolls, but you don't cook them.

You eat them raw.

- Yes, we plucked them from the pepperoni tree,

just like our ancestors used to.

- Ah. Idiots. - Both of you.

If I bust these sutures, you're fixing 'em.

Ugh. Okay. Deal me a hand.

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

- Ceremonial-grade lip balm.

What kind of ceremony needs lip balm?

- Oh, wouldn't you love to know?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Your sutures. - Ow!

- Stop it.