All language subtitles for 2x12 - A Tale of Two Stans (1)

- Wait up.
- Yeah, you should keep up.

I can keep up.

Whoa!

Neato!

Mysterious, boarded-up cave.

It might be filled with
lost prehistoric life forms.

Or Mesoamerican gold.

Uh, ladies first.

Ha ha! Good thing you've
got your smarts, Poindexter.

I've got the other thing.

What is it called?
Oh, right, punching.

Cool. Splinters.

Whoa! It's
SO creepy in here.

Hey, don't worry, bro.

Wherever we go, we go together.

Don't forget to leave our names
so they know who owns the place.

Pines, Pines, Pines, Pines.

Finally, after all
these long years of waiting,

you're actually here.

Brother!

Ow! What the heck
was that for?

This was an insanely risky move,

restarting the portal.

Didn't you read my warnings?

Warnings, schmarnings.

How's about maybe
a thanks for saving you

from what appears to be,
I don't know,

some kinda sci-fi
sideburn dimension.

Thank you? You really think
I'm gonna thank you

after what you did 30 years ago?

What I did?

Why, you ungrateful...

Don't expect me
to go easy on you

just because you're family.

Hey, hi.
Mabel here.

Quick question.

What the heck is going on here?

Stan, you didn't tell me
there were children down here.

And some sort of
large, hairless gopher.

Ha ha, I get that a lot.

They're your family, Poindexter.

Shermy's grandkids.

I have a niece, and a nephew?

Greetings. Do kids
still say greetings?

I haven't been in this dimension
for a really long time.

Whoa, six-fingered handshake.

It's a full finger
friendlier than normal.

Ha ha, I like this kid.
She's weird.

I... I can't believe it.

You're the author
of the journals.

You've read my journals?

I haven't just read them.

I've lived them.

I've been waiting
for so long to meet you.

I don't know what to say.
I have so many questions.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

No, no, false alarm.

Just gotta ride it out.

Listen, there'll be time
for introductions later.

But first, tell me, Stan.

Are there any security breaches?

Does anyone else
know about this portal?

No. Just us.

Also, maybe the entire
U.S. government.

The what?!

Fan out. We're not
going anywhere

till we find Stan Pines
and those kids.

Okay. It's all right.

We've got a while before
they find this room.

We just need to lay low
and think of a plan.

It looks like we're
stuck down here for a while.

Who wants to tell us their
entire mysterious backstory?

Yes, I have some questions
about all this myself, Stanley.

Stanley?

But your name is Stanford.

Wait, you took my name?

What have you been doing all
these years, you knucklehead?

Yeah, Grunkle Stan,
no more lies.

You owe us some answers.

What's the deal
with this portal?

Why did you keep this a secret?

And what happened
between you and your brother?

I'm hoping all this aligns
exactly with my fan-fic, Stan.

If not, I will be
very disappointed.

Okay. Okay, okay.

I know I have
a lot of explaining to do.

It all started a lifetime ago.

1960-something.

Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey.

I lived with my ma and pa
in the Lead Paint district

above the family pawn shop.

Dad was a strict man.

Tough as a cinder block,
and not easily impressed.

I'm not impressed.

Mom was a pathological liar,

which served her well
as a phone psychic.

That'll be 99 cents an hour.

No, you're overpriced.

Yeah, I predicted
you were gonna hang up.

And then, there was
my nerdy twin brother Stanford.

As if his abnormally high
IQ wasn't enough,

he also had
a rare birth defect--

six fingers on each hand,

which might've explained
his obsession

with sci-fi mystery weirdness.

As for me, I had what Mom
liked to call personality.

But as different as we were,

we were the perfect team,

and every day,
we'd wander the beach,

looking for adventure.

Whoa!

A shipwrecked sailboat.

Possibly haunted by
pirate ghosts.

This is the greatest
thing I've ever seen.

And I once saw a dead rat
floating in a bucket.

Ew. What's wrong with you?

Huh. You know what
this thing's missing?

Flags.

Kings of New Jersey,
kings of New Jersey,

kings of New Jersey!

I dub thee the Stan O' War.

Ow! What the heck?

Well, well, if it ain't
the loser twins.

Nice boat. You get it
at the dump?

You would know,
Crampelter. Get lost!

Listen, dorks, and listen good.

You're a six-fingered freak,

and you're just a dumber,
sweatier version of him.

And you're lucky
you have each other,

because neither of you
will ever make any friends.

Dorks and losers.

Hey, don't let
those idiots get to you.

But I am a freak.

I just wonder if there's
anywhere in the world

where weirdos like me fit in.

Hey, chin up, buddy.
Look.

One of these days,
you and me are gonna

sail away from this dumb town.

We'll hunt for treasure,
get all the girls,

and be an unstoppable
team of adventurers.

You really mean it?

- High six?
- High six.

Those were the good times.

Those bullies may have
been right about us

not making many friends,
but when push comes to shove,

you only really need one.

Ford's brain seemed to get
more impressive every year.

So did our pet project.

Sure, I got in more than
my fair share of trouble,

but when your brother's
the smartest kid in school,

you've always got a leg up
on the competition.

The future was looking
bright for both of us,

till one day.

Pines twins
to the principal's office.

Pines twins to
the principal's office.

Ah, great.
What is it this time?

Not you. Him.

Now, Mr. Pines, I'd like to
speak with you

very frankly, if I may.

Very frankly
is the only way I speak.

You have two sons.

One of them
is incredibly gifted.

The other one is standing outside this
room, and his name's Stanley.

What are you saying?

I'm saying your son
Stanford is a genius!

All of his teachers
are going bananas

over his science fair
experiment.

You ever heard of
West Coast Tech?

Best college in the country.

Their graduates turn
science fiction

into science fact.

The admissions team
is visiting tomorrow

to check out
Stanford's experiment.

Your son may be
a future millionaire, Mr. Pines.

I'm impressed.

What about our little
free spirit Stanley?

That clown?
At this rate,

he'll be lucky
to graduate high school.

Look, there's a saltwater
taffy store on the dock,

and somebody's gotta get paid
to scrape the barnacles off of it.

Stanford's going places, but
hey, look on the bright side.

At least you'll have one son
here in New Jersey forever.

Joke's on them if they think

you wanna go to
some stuffy college

on the other side
of the country.

Once we get
the Stan O' War complete,

it's gonna be beaches, babes,

and international
treasure hunting for us.

Look, Stan, I can't pass up
a chance like this.

This school has
cutting-edge programs

and multi-dimensional
paradigm theory.

Be-boop. I am a nerd robot.

That's you.
That's what you sound like.

Ah, well,

if the college board isn't impressed
with my experiment tomorrow,

then okay, I'll do
the treasure hunting thing.

And if they are?

Well, then I guess
you better come visit me

on the other side
of the country.

Without Ford, I was just
half of a dynamic duo.

I couldn't make it
out there without him.

And now, thanks to
that dumb college,

I was gonna lose
my brother forever.

This is all your fault,
you dumb machine!

Oh, no. No, no, no.
What did I do?

There. All right.

Good as new.
Probably.

All right, kid,
show us what you got.

Okay. Well,
what would you say

if I told you
the future of technology

was beneath this sheet?

I'd say we wasted a car trip.

What?

But it was stable yesterday.

A fuse must've blown
or something.

Kid, a perpetual motion
machine has one job--

to not stop.

I don't think you're
West Coast Tech material.

No, wait. Don't go!

I worked so hard.

One paddle paddle paddle,
two paddle paddle.

Man, that Jackie O.
What a fox.

Hey, what's the word, sixer?

Can you explain
what this was doing

next to my broken project?

Okay. I might've
accidentally been...

horsing around.

This was no accident, Stan.
You did this.

You did this because
you couldn't handle me

going to college on my own.

Look, it was a mistake.

Although, if you think about it,

maybe there's a silver lining.

Huh? Treasure hunting?

Are you kidding me?

Why would I wanna do
anything with the person

who sabotaged my entire future?

You did what, you knucklehead?

Stanley, what's
going on in here?

Wait, no. I can explain.
It was a mistake.

You ignoramus.

Your brother was gonna be
our ticket outta this dump.

All you ever do
is lie and cheat,

and ride on
your brother's coattails.

Well, this time,
you cost our family

potential millions.

And until you make us a fortune,

you're not welcome
in this household.

What?! Stanford, tell him
he's being crazy.

Stanford? Don't
leave me hanging.

High six?

Fine! I can make it
on my own.

I don't need you,
I don't need anyone.

I'll make millions,
and you'll rue the day

you turned your back on me.

Thanks to one dumb mistake,
I had no brother,

no home, no nothing.

But I had a plan
to fix everything.

Oh, this story's so sad.

I know what you two
little broken teacups need.

To hug it out.

Hug it out.

Hug train comin' in the station.

Hugapalooza 2000!

Kid, will you knock that off?

I'm trying to tell
my life story here.

I had decided I wasn't
gonna show my face at home

till I proved I could
make something of myself.

Unfortunately,
the treasure hunting business

was slow going.

Apparently, gold is
some kind of rare metal.

Luckily, I struck
another kind of gold.

In sales.

Hi there.
I'm Stan Pines

of Stanco Enterprises.

Are you sick of this
always happening to you?

Then you need
the chamois of the future.

Made with the same material
astronauts use

to clean up cranberry
stains on the moon.

That's the Sham Total.

It's a total sham.

I had made my mark, all right.

Unfortunately,
so did the chamois.

Apparently, the cheap dye
I used to color them

only made stains worse.

Customers weren't
crazy about that.

Luckily, they were chasing me

with Stanco-brand pitchforks.

Suckers!

I was officially banned
from New Jersey.

But with a quick name change,

Steve Pinington was ready
to take on Pennsylvania.

Hi. I'm Steve Pinington.

Are you sick of bandages
that are hard to remove?

Then what you need is
the Rip Off.

The Rip Off won't
give you rashes.

I repeat, it won't
give you rashes.

It gave you rashes.

I traveled the whole country,

sometimes outside of it,

always one step ahead
of the law,

looking for something
that would be my big break.

Whoa. So that explains
all the fake ID's.

But wait, what about you?

Did you end up going
to your dream school?

Not exactly.

All right, I know Backupsmore

wasn't anyone's first choice,

but what we lack in prestige

we make up for in
mostly bug-free dorms.

I'm sure your families
are proud.

More or less.

In a place like that,
I had to work twice as hard.

Luckily, that's what I do best.

I went from undergrad to PhD

three years ahead of schedule,

wrote a thesis that was
nationally ranked,

and was awarded
an enormous grant

for my own scientific research.

But what to study?

My whole life, I'd been teased

for my six fingers.

But that got me thinking
about anomalies.

Things that were odd, unusual,

statistically improbable.

And according to
my investigations,

there was one place with
a higher concentration

of these things
than anywhere else.

A small lumber town
in Roadkill County, Oregon.

Gravity Falls.

Meanwhile, your old
Uncle Stan was doing great.

I'd come up with

a sophisticated new
business strategy.

Come on. Owl, owl...

Football player with an omelet?!

Gah!

I was in great shape,
living on my own,

and the best part was,
I didn't need help from nobody.

Hello. This is
Stanford Pines.

I was heading out
on my own, as well.

I set to work
using my grant money

to investigate the strange
properties of this town.

But what would I find here?

Bingo. I began
to investigate at once.

I knew I'd have to record
my findings.

I began to keep a journal.

The journals!

Sorry, sorry.

Got excited there

about the journals.
Keep talking.

I began to keep a journal.

I'm going to ignore that.

There were anomalies everywhere.

And the more I looked,
the more I saw.

Fascinating.

What did you say your name was?

Shmebulock... senior.

It was finally a place
where I felt at home,

but something nagged at me.

Where did it all come from?

It seemed to me
the answer must lie

outside of our world,

a dimension of weirdness
leaking into ours.

I realized the only way
to understand Gravity Falls

would be to build
a gateway, a portal

to the source of its weirdness.

But I couldn't make it alone.

I decided to call up
my old college buddy,

Fiddleford McGucket,

a young but brilliant mechanic

who was wasting his talent

trying to make
personal computers

in some garage in Palo Alto.

Hello. Fiddleford
Computermajigs.

You say you're trying to build

a trans-universal
poly-dimensional meta vortex?

Well, that's
mathematically feasible,

I reckon.

Many long nights were spent
perfecting the machine.

It would be
the crowning achievement

of my studies,
an answer to the source

of this town's anomalies.

Get out, get out, get out!

The time had come to test it.

Ready?
And...

What?

I got you, buddy.

What is it?
Is it working?

What did you see?

Fiddleford?

When Gravity Falls
and earth becomes sky,

fear the beast
with just one eye.

Fiddleford, get
a hold of yourself.

You're not making
any sense.,

This machine is dangerous.

You'll bring about
the end of the world with this.

Destroy it before
it destroys us all!

I can't destroy this.
It's my life's work.

I fear we've unleashed
a great danger on the world.

One I'd just
as soon forget. I quit.

Fine. I'll do it
without you.

I don't need you,
I don't need anyone.

What? Who said that?

I was in over my head,

and feared I was
losing my sanity.

I needed help.
Someone I could trust.

Just give me a few more
days, Rico.

I'll pay your goons back,
I swear.

You haven't seen your brother
in over ten years.

It's okay. He's family.
He won't bite.

Who is it? Have you come
to steal my eyes?

Well, I can always count on you

for a warm welcome.

Stanley, did anyone
follow you, anyone at all?

Hello to you, too, pal.

Hey, what is this?

Sorry. I just had to
make sure you weren't...

uh, it's nothing.

Come in, come in.

Are you gonna explain
what's going on here?

You're acting like Mom
after her tenth cup of coffee.

Listen, there isn't much time.

I've made huge mistakes,

and I don't know
who I can trust anymore.

Hey, easy there.
Let's talk this through, okay?

I have something to show you.

Something you won't believe.

I've been around
the world, okay?

Whatever it is, I'll understand.

There is nothing
about this I understand.

It's a trans-universal gateway,

a punched hole through
a weak spot in our dimension.

I created it to unlock
the mysteries of the universe.

But it could just as easily
be harnessed

for terrible destruction.

That's why I shut it down
and hid my journals

which explain how to operate it.

There's only one journal left.

You are the only person
I can trust to take it.

I have something to ask of you.

Remember our plans
to sail around the world

on a boat?

Take this book, get on a boat,

and sail as far away as you can.

To the edge of the earth.

Bury it where
no one can find it.

That's it?

You finally wanna see me
after ten years,

and it's to tell me to get as
far away from you as possible?

Stanley, you don't
understand what I'm up against.

What I've been through.

No, no, you don't understand
what I've been through.

I've been to prison
in three different countries.

I once had to chew my way
out of the trunk of a car.

You think you've got problems?

I've got a mullet, Stanford.

Meanwhile, where have you been?

Living it up in
your fancy house in the woods,

selfishly hoarding
your college money,

because you only
care about yourself.

I'm selfish?
I'm selfish?

Stanley, how can you say that

after costing me
my dream school?

I'm giving you a chance to do
the first worthwhile thing in your life,

and you won't even listen.

Well, listen to this.

You want me to get rid
of this book?

Fine, I'll get rid of it
right now.

No! You don't understand.

You said you wanted
me to have it,

- so I'll do what I want with it.
- My research!

Stanley, give it back.

You want it back, you're gonna
have to try harder than that.

You left me behind, you jerk.

It was supposed to be
us forever.

- You ruined my life.
- You ruined your own life.

Stanley. Oh, my gosh,
I'm so sorry.

Are you all right?

Some brother you
turned out to be.

You care more about your dumb
mysteries than your family.

Then you can have 'em.

Whoa, whoa, hey.
What's going on?

- Hey, Stanford...
- Stanley, help me.

- What do I do?
- Stanley!

Stanley, do something!

Stanford?

Stanford, come back.
I didn't mean it.

I just got him back.

I can't lose him again.

Come on!

Stanford!

I lost him.

I didn't know
if he was dead or alive

in some distant galaxy,

but I knew his journal
must have the answer

to getting him back...
somehow.

I didn't get
much sleep that night.

Or the night after that.

I tried for weeks to turn
that dumb machine back on.

But without
the other two journals,

it was hopeless.

Finally, I ran out of food.

I had no choice
but to go into town.

Just the bread then, stranger?

That'll be 99 cents.

Hey, that's no stranger.

That must be
the mysterious science guy

that lives in the woods.

No, no, you got the wrong guy.

I've heard strange stories
about that old shack.

Yeah, mysterious lights
and spooky experiments.

Gosh, I'd pay anything

to see what kind of shenanigans
you get up to in there.

Me, too.
Do you ever give tours?

No, really, I...

Yes, I do give tours.

Ten... no, no,
15 bucks a person.

So what did you say
your name was,

you man of mystery?

Oh, Stan... ford.

Stanford Pines.

Step right up, folks,

to a world of
enchantment or whatever.

Behold the nerdy science box.

Ah! My eye!

Uh, I can assure you,
that is in no way permanent.

I paid $15 for this?

Uh, you're lucky you weren't
part of the last tour group.

They never made it out alive.

Right?

Funny.

So I came up with a plan.

I couldn't leave
my brother's house

until I figured out
how to save him.

But I needed to pay
his mortgage somehow.

For once in my life,

people were actually
buying what I was selling.

And so, the Murder Hut was born.

Later renamed the Mystery Shack.

Finally, I'd found
something I was good at.

For once, being
a liar and a cheat paid off.

The old me was dead.

And I faked a car crash
to prove it.

By day, I was Stanford Pines,
Mr. Mystery.

But by night, I was
down in the basement,

trying to bring
the real Stanford back.

I couldn't risk anyone
learning the truth

and sabotaging my mission.

So I lied to everyone.

The town, my family,
your parents.

Even you kids.

So all this time, you were just
trying to save your brother.

Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry
I didn't believe you.

That's okay, kid.

I probably wouldn't
have believed me either.

I heard talking.
It was coming from downstairs.

We're too late. The agents are
coming for us.

What'll we do?

Oh, man, I was so spellbound
by your dramatic tale,

I forgot all about those dudes.

Wait. Forget.
That's it.

I think I know a way we might
be able to defeat those agents.

Of course.

I don't know how you
got a hold of one of these,

but this is perfect.

I can just amplify the signal
to a radio headset frequency.

There. Now everyone,
plug your ears!

Get down now!

Sir, looks like there's
a hidden door

behind the vending machines.

Excellent. Get me
Washington on line one.

I've been practicing making sounds
of excitement for this very occasion.

Hey, do you hear that?

What? Where am I?

Why am I standing in some sort
of goofy, fun knick-knack house?

Stand down, gentlemen.

I've been sent with the latest
intel from Washington.

According to this
very real report,

the power surges
in Gravity Falls

were actually due to radiation

from an unreported
meteor shower.

A total embarrassment
for your whole department.

Luckily, I'm here to take
this mess off your hands.

I'll need all of your
floppy disks,

and, uh, eight tracks.
Right?

Uh, everything about this case
is contained on this drive.

Well, what are you
waiting for? A kiss on the cheek?

Get outta here before
I have your butts court-martialed.

Uh, yes, sir.
Apologies, sir.

False alarm, everyone.

Whoa.

Great-uncle Stanford,
that was amazing.

Let's not go crazy.
It was serviceable.

Ha ha, thank you, kids.

But please, call me Ford.

Sure. Thanks,
great-uncle Ford.

So, uh, would you mind
if I asked you

a couple million questions
about Gravity Falls?

Um, well, I, uh...

All right, kids,
it's been a long day.

Me and my brother have
a lot to talk about.

- Why don't you hit the hay, huh?
- But it's the author.

I've been waiting so long
to ask questions about--

I said, hit the hay!

I'll just let myself out.

Wendy, I've got something
amazing to tell you.

Clear the next 14 hours.

Look at us.

When did we become old men?

You look like Dad.

Don't say that.

Okay, Stanley, here's the deal.

You can stay here for the summer
to watch the kids.

I'll stay down in the basement

and try to contain
any remaining damage.

When the summer's over,

you give me my house back,

you give me my name back,

and this Mystery Shack
junk is over forever.

You got it?

You really aren't gonna
thank me, are you?

Fine. On one condition.

Stay away from the kids.

I don't want them in danger.

'Cause as far as I'm concerned,

they're the only family
I have left.

Did you hear what they said?

I think Uncle Ford said
they're gonna buy us

puppies made of ice cream.

Might be wishful
thinking, though.

I don't know if this
is good or bad.

I wanted to meet
the author, but...

Yeah. I liked the way
things were here before.

Just us and Stan,

and the occasional
goblin monster.

I'm sure they'll
work things out.

Dipper, you don't think
we'll turn out

like Stan and Ford, do you?

What do you mean?

I mean, they used to be
best friends,

but then, they got all stupid.

Can you promise me
you won't get stupid?

Not stupider than you, dum-dum.

Good night, stupid.

Good night, stupid.

Okay, so it turns out
the second Stan,

the Stan that we know,

was actually Stanley,

but the first Stan was Stanford,

but we didn't know

until Stanford
came out of the portal,

which was built by Stanford,

but then Stanley
pretending to be Stanford,

he did the portal
'cause he's Stan,

but he's not Stan.

Soos, it's 3:00
in the morning.

Okay, okay, I understand.

Anyway, act two, Stan started...

Aaaah!