Original subtitles

Well, hello there, traveler.

I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road,

a place so remote that no one can hear your screams!

Pretend I didn't say that.

Come in, come in, but be warned,

if you enter you may be subjected to my tales.

Tales designed to sell my merchandise!

Sorry, I was thinking

of something funny I heard earlier.

You've come to the Mystery Shack after-hours,

a time when only our creepiest

and most cursed objects are for sale,

like that thing there!

No, not a fan?

Too many orifices?

All right, I can tell what you're looking for

is this disembodied hand.

Why is it so expensive?

Well, that's quite a tale

and it's called Hands Off!

No, seriously, hands off, that's not for sale.

All right.

Hands Off!

Swap meet! Swap meet! Swap meet!

Look at all these priceless treasures.

Bobbly-heads!

They agree with everything I say.

Professor glasses!

They make me look like a genius.

Look at these faux-gold beauties.

They're mob-boss quality.

All right, kids,

prepare to watch the delicate art of the deal.

Hey, hag-face!

How much for the junk watches?

They are not for sale.

Not for you, Stan Pines!

The wind whispers your name!

Shh... Shush, you guys.

All right, I get it, you're creepy.

Anyway, less talky, more watchy!

Get your hands off my watch!

Ugh!

Yeesh! Freak show.

Wow, someone needs to work on their social skills.

And their observation skills.

Boom!

Good job, heisting hands. Mwah, mwah.

Grunkle Stan, are you seriously shoplifting from a witch?

That sounded like a curse.

"That sounded like a curse!”

Hey, anyone want to buy a wet blanket?

We got a wet blanket for sale!

I can't survive in this market.

Ha, curse.

Yeah, right.

Ah!

Wait, is this curse ugly or normal ugly?

Looks like I got off scot-free.

All right, kiddos, breakfast time.

Prepare your mouths for--

Whoa! Whoa-ah! No hands!

Grunkle Stan, what happened to your hands?

So I might have got cursed a little,

but the watch looks nice, right?

Foolish man, thieving hands find wicked face!

You must return what isn't yours...

That's better.

I told you, Grunkle Stan,

you got to give that watch back and apologize.

What?

That old crone should apologize to me

for denying my right to buy cheap junk.

I don't need hands, I've got self respect.

Mabel, sweetie, will you make your uncle some hands?

La-la-la.

Hands makeover!

Say hello to your "new hands"!

In quotes.

Nice work, kid.

See, hands are overrated.

I'm ready to take on the day!

Ma'am.

Hey, Mr. Pines.

Should we play toss me a dozen eggs like we always do?

No, Jimmy, wait! Not today!

Not today!

Let's find that witch.

According to the swap meet pamphlet,

the hand witch lives in a horrible hand witch lair

on Hand Witch Mountain.

Stop saying hand witch!

Grunkle Stan, did you just tap my shoulder?

Kid, I can't tap anything.

Guys, can you stop tapping both my shoulders?

Hands! Lots of hands!

Ah!

Ah!

Look at this touching scene.

Up top!

You guys, you guys get me.

All right, you horrible wench, you got me.

Stealing is wrong, etcetera, take it.

Now can I have my hands back?

I have a certain gesture I'd like to share with you.

Alas, your hands cannot be gotten so easily.

The spirits say, um...

that the curse can only be broken by a kiss!

What?

It's all right, kids.

Just look away.

A kiss on the lips!

What? Forget it! I'm not kissing any of that mess.

I don't need my hands that bad.

Yeah, you're just making stuff up now.

Let's go, kids.

No, wait! Don't go!

You're right, you're right.

I was just making all that stuff up.

Just trying to get something going, you know.

So hard to meet people these days.

So this was all just a ploy to get a date?

I'm desperate, okay?

But every time I bring someone back here

without keeping their hands hostage, they just run away!

Well, yeah, look at this horror show.

It's creepy even for a cave!

You just need to redecorate.

For example...

A handelabra!

Ooh, the hand witch likes.

Then watch me work.

Home makeover!

Redecorate.

Redo you.

Change it around.

You got to do it to make it work.

Okay. Time to take a look at your fantastic new cave.

Men will definitely tolerate you now.

And I left a book of pickup lines on the end table.

Blah! Oh, my goodness!

I can't believe this is the same cave!

Oh, my goodness!

I just can't find the words.

How about "Here's your hands back"?

Oh, right.

Shaky, Scratchy.

I've missed you old rascals.

You're all right, sister.

Will you be my boyfriend now?

No, never.

Well, I learned nothing.

Back to my crippling loneliness.

Hey, I'm lost in these mountains.

Could I crash here for the night?

Please, come in. Uh...

"Girl, are those space pants?

Because your butt looks out of this world.”

Wow. Thanks for noticing.

Yes!

All right, I get it.

You don't want the hand, you're a savvy customer.

But perhaps you'd be interested in buying, um...

this magic pig.

Sure he doesn't look magic,

but there is a very interesting story

I'm about to make up about him,

and it's called Abaconings!

"The What-The-Heck-A-Hedron!

Solve this test of intelligence

and your photo could be on this box."

Whoa. That's false advertising I can get behind.

Come on.

Ugh!

Ooh, that's a bummer.

This is May May and The Hogg coming at you on the AM.

Whoa!

Not sure we can say that on the air.

Don't touch that dial, truckers,

'cause The Hogg just ate it.

Mabel, could you knock it off?

I'm trying to solve this intelligence puzzle,

but it seems impossible.

Maybe you're just not smart enough.

We'll see about that.

Buried near the falls is the legendary percepshroom.

To increase brain power, grind it up

and apply to the forehead overnight.

Tomorrow, I own you!

Ha-ha!

I feel smarter already.

The digits of pi are 3.1...

Um...

415926 etcetera.

What? Who said that?

Mabel?

Whoa! Dipper, look.

Greetings, friends. It is I, Waddles the pig.

What? Waddles, what happened to you?

Have you been possessed by the spirit of a nerd?

I understand my transformation may be vexing,

but I have prepared a presentation.

Forgive me. My pig arms are cute and useless.

The brain goop! You ate it and built all this, didn't you?

This isn't right!

The pig goes oink. The pig goes oink!

Now the pig goes wherever he can shine

the light of knowledge into the darkness of ignorance.

Whoa! What the heck-a-hedron!

How did you do that?

I can teach you, Dipper. I can teach you many things.

From the secrets of astrophysics to the--

Hey, hey!

Man, I am loving this new Waddles.

Yeah, he's, uh, he's definitely...

different.

Dude, that rocket cart is amazing!

You and me should go invent stuff.

Uh, Waddles, don't you want to stay up here

and record some morning pranks with me?

Mabel, this pig's got a gift.

He needs to share it with the world.

I'm sorry, Mabel.

There is more to life than making fart noises

and laughing at those fart noises.

I see that now.

Yeah, you guys just go on without me.

Oh, my kite got stuck in a tree.

I hate everything!

I bet we could be of service.

Ah! An affront against nature!

Ha! Forget kites.

Here, take this rocket pack I invented

and explore the heavens yourself.

Forget that, Grenda is gonna look at cute boys

through skylights.

I rule the sky!

Dude, that rocket pack we made was amazing.

Don't forget the laser gun we made for Candy.

That's to my enemies!

Welcome to May May and The Hogg AM.

Top story today,

coping with crippling loneliness after losing my co-host.

♪ Loneliness! ♪

What did that nasty goop do to you?

You're not happier like this, are you?

Ha-ha. This is your greatest invention yet.

It could solve every problem of mankind.

And bring me many potatoes,

delicious potatoes.

Yummy yummy for my fat little pig tummy.

What the heck is going on here?

Mabel, you are just in time

to behold our greatest achievement.

The smarticle accelerator!

Solving that brain puzzle was just the tip of the iceberg.

With this, Waddles will be able to solve

all the greatest puzzles of the universe.

The origin of life. The meaning of existence.

Why dudes have nipples.

Soon your pig is gonna be world famous,

meeting with scientists, presidents.

I wonder if I can teach him to wear pants.

The whole world?

But when will you have time for us?

I'm your best friend.

I'm still your friend, Mabel.

But I'm helping people now.

But what about helping me?

Do you really want to spend your whole life in meetings

with dumb smart guys?

This brain junk has made you forget who you are.

Don't you remember us?

♪ Remember those times ♪

♪ Don't forget to remember those times ♪

♪ Just remember to remember those times ♪

It all makes sense now.

What good is helping the world

if I can't help my favorite person in the world?

It's a good thing I built in a dum-dum switch.

Waddles! Waddles, don't! Wait!

I'm sorry, Dipper.

In my last eight seconds of consciousness,

I want you to know

that science is a horizon to search for,

not a prize to hold in your hand.

Also I miss getting my tummy tickled.

Oh, Waddles.

No! Our invention!

I know what will make you feel better.

A simple hug from a simple pig.

Yeah, guess so.

Good pig. Ugh.

You know what? You're right. Don't buy the pig.

In fact I'm better off leaving it with my niece.

No shooting in the house, sweetie.

But perhaps I could interest you in something else.

Like these spooky movies!

Movies are great.

You watch the movie, you scare the girl,

the girl snuggles up next to you.

Next thing you know, you got to raise a kid,

your life falls apart.

Forget that last part.

This next tale is called Clay Day!

You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart!

No, you did it, Cinnamon.

Because you believed in yourself.

Everything about this is bad.

Well, that just put me 90 minutes

closer to death.

It's time you kids learn to watch

the classics from my day.

Ooh, old people movies.

Get ready for references we don't understand

and words we can't repeat.

You're no match for Loinclothiclese.

I've come for the golden pants.

Oh, no! Mabel!

Well, your sister is broken.

Oh, Grunkle Stan, I should have told you before

that Mabel has a childhood terror

of old-timey stop-motion animation.

It's like her number one fear since we were kids.

Come on, those hokey old things,

how scared could she be?

The Cyclops! His face is made of nightmares!

Kid, it's just a movie. It can't hurt you.

No talking.

They wait for you to talk

and then crawl inside your mouth!

Why did you have to show her that tape?

There's got to be a way to get her over this!

Huh...

All right, if we can just get the director to show her

the models are fake, maybe she'll finally calm down.

I don't know, dude.

According to the internet,

special effects genius Harry Claymore

is some kind of recluse.

Man wants his privacy. I can respect that.

Well, everyone over the fence.

You see, Mabel, those monsters are just tiny clay figures

moved around one frame at a time by an antisocial shut-in.

Those people are called animators.

Hello?

Mr. Claymore?

We want to get a look at your figurines.

We're not paparazzi.

Aha!

See, Mabel, it's all just special effects.

You can come out.

No!

Kid, listen to me.

For the last time,

there is nothing here to be afraid of--

It's slowly...

swiping at us!

Let's escape by standing still!

Oh, it didn't work!

Whoa!

How is this happening? What do they want?

I'm afraid they want you.

Harry Claymore, master of special effects,

circa 1970 something.

Alas, my effects are more special than you know.

What? But how are these things real?

What about stop motion?

What?

Do you really believe someone

moves these figures one frame at a time?

I'm not a masochist.

I used black magic to make them animate themselves.

It was great at first, but one day...

No!

Where's the heart?!

Now that they were out of work,

they went mad and enslaved me!

And now they will turn you into unholy beasts of clay

to join in their mischief!

Well, Mr. Pines, at least you'll finally

get to work with your favorite director.

And by work, I mean, suffocate inside a big wad of clay.

Help!

Somebody help us!

Help!

Oh, what do I do?

How can I defeat those monstrosities?

Hey, I changed it into something I like.

Whoa. I think I have an idea!

Hey, one-eyed-clops!

Yeah, I'm talking to you, dum-dum!

Come at me!

Ah!

Wipe that face off your face.

Oh, I've got big plans for you!

Hey, skeleton dorks!

It's "clayback" time!

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Dude, you conquered your fear.

That's right. Because she believed in herself.

Can it, Twinkleheart!

Just start pounding those skeletons!

Mabel, you did it.

So you're not scared anymore?

Oh, I'm scared twice as much now,

but now I know it's rational.

Kid, I'm sorry I doubted you. You were right.

Stop motion is pure evil.

And probably really expensive.

Incredibly expensive.

This is an impressive fight though.

I'm glad I'm facing towards it.

Yay!

That was the best part.

Well, I think today we learned that you can remold your fears.

I'm just glad none of us got turned into clay.

Holy Toledo!

Who wants to see me change into most anything?

I can walk through walls.

Whoa!

We're safe now, kids.

We're safe.

I don't get it.

You don't want the pig, you don't want my tapes,

what are you gonna buy?

How about this delicious potion?

Here, have a free sample.

You should have bought my merch

when you had the chance, buddy.

But that's okay.

I'll have something new for sale very soon.

And here we have our latest attraction.

The legendary Cheapskate!

I saw it blinking.

Just an optical illusion.

Come along, everyone.

Step right up!

That's right, I'm a jerk.

Hey, want to play tic-tac-toe?

Hey, I wanted to be Xs, let me be Xs.

Trust me, just let her be Xs.

Yay!

Actually I'm sorry. I changed my mind, I'll be Os.

Okay, you're gonna hate me right now,

but is Xs still a possibility?

I don't think you're playing this right.