Original subtitles

You're about to learn the tragic fate of the Oak Point High lacrosse team.

But this podcast won't cash in on their specific

and particularly gruesome group decapitation.

Too bad. Someone else will.

It's a big market, man.

Morty, don't just respond. Find a podcast without scruples.

Cryo-ship detected.

Ooh, power's still online?

What do you think, Morty? Bunch of sleeping beauties?

Wanna go tap on some glass?

That could be fun.

We haven't done one of those in a while.

Welcome to Bloodbath!

The podcast that's only grisly details!

Now we're talkin'!

Holy shit. Look at this place.

Damn, Morty, ain't just your run-of-the-mill ark ship.

This thing is gold-plated.

Wow, where do you think they're going?

Looks like these guys flung themselves into space

after wrecking their home world.

This'll be like taking candy from a baby,

if that baby was in a coma.

Oh. We're robbing them?

Morty, what did I just say about scruples?

Whoa, mama. You see this, Morty?

This thing is fancy.

Computer said it's got super-rare hypercoal inside.

The planet they left must be a husk, Morty.

Access denied.

Alright, on second thought,

let's just blow a hole in the ship and drag the vault home.

- What?! - Help me with these charges.

This'll be quick. They got fast countdowns.

Rick, I'm fine with taking candy from a baby,

but I draw the line at blowing up the stroller!

What the hell, Morty?! We're not literally robbing babies.

God damn it, Morty! Look what you did!

They're counting down even faster.

Fire detected.

Emergency cryo-wake commencing in 30 seconds.

You little shit! You woke 'em up!

- Good! Let's get outta here! - Fuck you.

I'm not leaving without that hypercoal!

Now go find that other pod with a dead guy in it.

- Hey! What dead guy?! - Sub-Bay 18.

Just get in the pod with the bones!

Or don't, and get thrown out an airlock.

- Cryo-wake in 10 seconds. - You did this to yourself.

Everything that happens after this is your fault.

You're gonna wish you were one of those Oak Point kids

- after I get through with you. - I'm going!

Don't you run away from me!

I've got more to yell at you, Morty! Morty!

-Cryo-wake in three, two... - Shit, shit, shit.

Oh, boy. Talk about a cryo-crick in the neck.

Hope my schwanz still works.

What's a schwanz?

- Jimmy?! - Oh my God! Jimmy? Is that you?!

Um, no?

It's our boy, honey.

He's got the family bald spot.

Doctor! Doctor, please!

Ah, Karen. How can I--

Oh my God!

The pod. There must have been some kind of... malfunction.

Son? Are you in there?

What do you remember?

Last thing I remember was being...13.

- Eleven. - Eleven.

It must be the pituitary governor on his pod.

While we were in stasis,

Jimmy kept growing at an accelerated rate.

Will he be okay?

Short answer, no. Long answer, nope.

Doctor!

I went to school for medicine, not manners.

Look at him-- gray skin, necrotic breath, jaundiced eyes.

I give him a week, tops.

Our poor child!

We're gonna use whatever time we have left to make things right.

Should I get him some clothes?

His penis is big now.

Ugh. Wish that pod had a snooze button.

Alright, Makeys, let's get to work!

Um, aren't we all, like, super rich?

Only thing "rich" down here is that joke.

"Chachaco"... you're on toilet duty.

Okay, I'm not supposed to be here.

My grandpa's a scientist.

- I just jumped in this pod because-- - What?

MedBay! Got another compliance chip on the fritz.

Why do I have to mop?! I should be driving the ship!

Jokin' again!

I'm definitely the thing you guys are.

Ready to clean!

Jimmy! There you are!

We've been looking for you.

Are you trying to open the vault?

I thought maybe you were stuck in there.

I'm just a kid and... dumb.

That's alright, sweetie.

Money affords us the ability to be dumb.

Son, it's important to us

that you're recognized as a man in the eyes of God...

before you die, which feels soon.

So, tomorrow night,

we're holding your Constellatio Celebratio!

Pretty sure God already made me a man.

Like, very rapidly.

But he didn't make you a citizen.

This will.

And once you join our society,

you'll get access to our knowledge,

- our history... - Our hypercoal?

Well, sure.

You'd get a key to the vault like every citizen.

You see, son, we're very, very rich.

Wow. Okay, yeah. Let's...

Let's Constellatio this up. I'm in!

- Ah, that's the spirit! - Come on, son.

Let's get you a big lollipop

and dress you like a little sailor.

Ugh! How much shit is there?

They've only been awake for five hours.

Grub time, Chachaco!

- Hurry. We only got eight minutes. - Great.

Man, cryo-sleep, huh?

Guess I forgot how bad the food was.

Yeah, wish I could forget.

Tastes like lumpy piss.

Which I love!

Love piss. Look at me eat it up.

This gruel, it's got energy, lumps,

all the things a Makey needs.

Why do we call ourselves that again?

Wow, cryo really took it outta you, huh?

They gave us that term.

'Cause we "make" it all possible.

If we're Makeys,

maybe that makes them "Takeys."

Did you not just get complio-shocked?

Oh... yeah.

You learn to take the pain.

- Whoa! - Bad-ass!

Chachaco's hardcore.

Rick?! Where the hell have you been?

Morty! Great news. It's all going as planned.

- We didn't have a plan! - We do now.

These people, Morty, they're golden retrievers.

No natural predators,

totally softened by generational wealth.

Tomorrow they're throwing me some kind of

"becoming a man" thing and just giving me the hypercoal.

Who cares?! Get me outta here!

I'm literally scooping shit by hand!

Good. You made your bed, lay in it.

- Gimme the car keys! - No! We're not leaving!

Yes, we are, you greedy shit!

Damn! Chachaco's giving that old rich kid a piece of his mind!

Give them to me, you Takey scum!

Hey! Leave our son alone!

Your son sucks!

Chachaco, are you crazy?!

Get back here! We'll be speaking to your manager!

No, no. It's fine. Just jealous poor people.

Ungrateful monsters!

Impatient, too!

Holy shit. Are you crazy?

We're all gonna get it now!

What the hell got into you, Chachaco?!

He's an asshole!

Okay, seriously.

How are you not getting zapped?

- Ow! Hey! - Something's up with his chip.

He don't got one!

- No chip?! - I took it out.

They said taking the chips out would kill us.

Chachaco is living proof it won't.

Wait! Stop!

Chachaco killed Tibs!

Should we tell someone?

Listen, I'm not who you--

Chachaco, you're an idiot.

And a goddamn hero!

Thanks?

Tell the Makeys to gather.

It's time to show the Takeys who really runs this ship.

And after you finish sipping from the final chalice,

the sacred light will shine down upon you.

You've grown so much. We are so proud of you.

Jimmy, I used to dread giving this to you.

It's the most precious thing in our family,

and frankly you were a brat.

But there's nothing like a fluke cryopod accident

to show you what really matters.

It's your father's Constellatio suit,

from his father, and his father before him.

Oh, that's not necessary.

I'm still a brat.

I'm just glad we're getting to do this.

We love you, son.

We love you.

Yeah. Love you guys, too.

You've never said that before. Honey, he loves us!

I'm so glad you said it before you die of old age!

My boy!

Oh, Jimmy!

Fresh planet, fresh start.

- We have a slogan now? - Catchy, huh?

Tibs is looking for ya. Great cover, by the way,

acting like nothing's happening.

- General Chachaco! - General?

Fresh planet, fresh start!

You taught us the only way to beat those rich bastards

is to actually beat them.

Check out this. It's a Bang-Bang.

To bang people's heads in. My invention.

Yeah. Maybe we put a pin in the Bang-Bang

and peacefully ask for some change-change?

What am I saying? They put chips in your heads.

Phew. For a second, you sounded like Spoogler.

Yeah, where is Spoogler?

Oh my God!

Spoogler's out there waiting to hear both sides of the issue.

Meanwhile, we're gonna take out the Takeys.

Ah, geez, I don't know.

We got that old kid's party tomorrow...

That's brilliant, General! Attack during the party.

Not quite what I was pitching.

Those Takeys are gonna regret the day they messed with you!

We got a hand thing now?

For the resistance.

This feels too long for a secret handshake.

Constellatio!

The crew is so proud of you, Jimmy.

You've really taken your grossly shortened lifespan in stride.

I couldn't think of two better parents to die before.

- Get over here, ya goofball! - Hey, my hair!

I just put gel in!

Ah, geez.

Father, we gotta delay the ceremony.

Something bad is going to happen.

I sure hope so.

Great idea to stick pins in the Bang-Bangs.

People of Plociff,

tonight young James Jamerson ascends to manhood.

Hell yeah! Gonna be a man!

Rick, we really gotta go now.

Don't ruin this for these people.

Party people! Let's hit those chalices!

We love it, son!

Proud of you!

Alright, Father. Gimme the light. I'll take it from here.

How 'bout you take this in your Takey neck?!

- Watch out! - Whoa!

Going off script, padre.

Party's over, Takeys!

Why isn't she complying?

It's not working!

Fresh planet, fresh start!

- Bang-Bang! - Wait!

You can't attack them! They're helpless.

They don't even know that food comes from somewhere.

We gotta get to someplace safe. Like the vault.

- Gimme that! - You got it, boss!

My bad.

Morty. Change of plans.

Take me to the vault! Now!

- Please don't hurt our boy! - Just do what he says.

But if this deranged janitor kidnaps me

and steals everything from this vault,

just know you two were great parents.

Really unreasonably trusting. Maybe too trusting.

Honey, what are you talking about?

Open that safe, or you're worm food!

Greetings, Doug Jamerson.

Thank you for being rich.

Jesus, Morty!

Doug and Karen's only crime is naively benefiting

from systemic inequity.

Just grab the loot, you big baby!

Interesting.

Wait, what?! You gotta be kidding me!

They robbed us!

The rich kid and the janitor

put aside their differences to fuck us over!

Let's follow their example.

Mob justice!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Hold on a second! - We can explain!

- Where's our money?! - Where's our money?!

We told you, we don't know.

You manipulated a working class to rise against a ruling class.

I was right, Chachaco. You are funny,

but not in the "ha ha" way.

In the bad way, like, "Is my dog sitting like that

because he's watching TV with us

or is he 'expressing his anal glands'" funny.

Oof. Long walk.

Under the Laws of Space, I sentence you to death.

Wait! Jimmy couldn't have done this!

I opened the safe and it was empty.

Sorry, Doug.

We checked the vault's log, and the last person

to access it was, in fact, Jimmy Jamerson.

That's not possible. Jimmy Jamerson is dead.

What?!

I don't understand.

Karen, let me make this as gentle as I can. We're aliens.

Come on, let's go see your dead son's bones.

Bones?!

Oh, shit. Monkey bones. Was Jimmy a monkey?

Lizzy! No! I thought you escaped!

What the hell is going on?!

I'm a zoologist.

Not you!

- Jimmy? - And apparently, Guffy Chachaco.

They thought I was that guy?!

These two hacked the vault 30 minutes after you all started hypersleep.

So Jimmy's still alive?

Fuck him! Where the hell is our money?!

They bought a yacht. It's on Blackjack 9.

They weren't very discreet.

Why would they be?

They thought you'd be asleep for the next 200 years.

Little asshole.

When you woke up, we thought Jimmy'd grown

into a thoughtful, kind man.

- We were so happy. - This guy?

They were nice, so I was nice back. Try it sometime, Morty.

Sorry to be the "money" guy,

but our cash is on a casino planet

and we're all just standing here?!

Wait! Wait!

All that money did is tear you apart.

From your friends, your neighbors, even your old home.

But now you can go to a whole new world as equals.

A place where you can live--

Son of a bitch. They're already gone.

Damn it. I was about to tie it all together.

Space race, Morty! Let's go!

Gonna pay off med school, baby!

Time of death is now!

Hey!

They're gonna kill each other for that money, Rick!

Why didn't we take your car?!

Constellatio gift from a rich uncle. Be rude not to take it.

I never believed in God!

I do believe in God! I do believe in God!

Chachaco, when I met you,

you were scooping hot steamers out of a pipe.

So I saved you.

Now blow some working-class luck on these dice, amigo.

Jimmy!

All the money goes to the 11-year-old and his best friend.

- Yeah! - Hey, turn up the TV.

A massive space race is underway,

apparently chasing down a large fortune of stolen money.

Glizop is live with the story. Glizop?

Tim, I'm here at the scene, where I'm gonna be rich!

I quit!

Snap!

Wish he didn't do that. Those mics are expensive.

In any case, here's a picture of the suspected thieves.

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! - Oh, man! Oh, God!

Ah, farts! It's my dumb parents!

Punch it, Chachaco! Load up the hypercoal!

Hey! I gotta pay for those!

And soon I can!

Lovely pennies, copper pennies

Little window-shopper pennies

Lincoln-headed pennies Touch them when I'm all alone

Son of a bitch!

You're a terrible doctor!

Tell that to my money!

I will!

Eat my pennies, kiss my pennies

Give a lil' miss my pennies

If you have a penny, then I'll have you for my own

That money can't bring back Lizzy,

but it can buy another monkey that I will also name Lizzy.

My mouth is full of pennies, pennies

Say it once again

Thank you, New Lizzy.

Tinkly pennies, sweaty pennies

Throw-'em-like-confetti pennies

A hundredth of a dollar is as much as I require

I'm driving the ship!

I'm finally driving the ship!

Rick!

Okay. Think he found a shortcut?

No, he's just nuts.

My favorite part of the job... escalating situations.

Hey! The race hasn't started yet!

Kinda bummed to leave that race behind.

Thought we'd end up winning it by accident.

Oh! Chicken coop cluster!

It's all coops! Wall-to-wall coops!

Why would you roll the windows down?

I wanted the full experience.

Pennies, pennies, shiny pennies

Have-them-all-for-mine-y pennies

Melt me down for pennies...

You have the right to remain poor!

You have the right to shut up!

- Rick, there's too many of 'em! - Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Nothing I won't do to get a pocketful of cents

Oh, man! They're on our ass!

I'll eat dirt for pennies

Why is this old dude wearing my Constellatio suit?!

You don't deserve Karen and Doug!

Eat a dick!

Blue-collar guys always have an arm.

Oh, I'm gonna be so grounded!

We prepared for this, Jimmy.

Kiss the back of my head.

You little brat!

You can't hit me! I'm a kid!

I can't hit you. You're old.

Back!

I'd hold on to something, Rick.

You wouldn't.

- I can reach it! - Leave it, Guffy!

We'll steal more!

No!

God damn it! We were right there!

These people will never stop killing each other for this dumb shit.

It's over, Rick.

Chachaco, you funny bastard.

All our wealth...

It's gone.

Ah, screw it. I've come this far.

What's that lunatic doing?!

Taking our money!

I made it way worse.

- Jimmy! - You're in big trouble, mister!

How could you rob your own parents?!

I'm sorry!

I thought it'd be funny if you guys woke up

and thought I turned into a monkey.

- In 200 years?! - You're a piece of shit!

You are a piece of shit.

Stay out of this, fake son!

Oh, Jimmy, you're a fuckup.

But we always threw cash at the problem.

Now that we just have these gold bars,

we'll have to throw ourselves.

Dad? I owe money to some bad people.

I set the navigation to a nearby inhabitable planet.

Also gave everyone a compliance chip.

You can finally get that fresh start.

We'll be fine as long as these poor idiots don't--

Not so fun, is it, you Takey?

And if you remove those chips, you will die.

Thanks... Rick, right?

Yeah. Sorry for pretending to be a deformed version

of your dead son and try to rob you.

That's pretty messed up in hindsight.

It's messed up in any sight.

Rick, in only two days,

you were a better son than Jimmy ever was.

- I can hear you! - Shut up, Jimmy!

Yeah, shut your fucking mouth!

Using all our money to pay off your goddamn loan sharks!

You suck, Jimmy!

- Ah, I wish you were never born! - We're putting you up for adoption!

You're a loser!

Welp. The treasure is gone.

And there were massive casualties on both sides.

Still, I think we did good.

Right?

Rick? You okay?

Guess it's true...

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

But I am family.

And you did choose me.

Yeah, it's a stupid quote.

Cryo-ship detected. Class: medical.

They typically have some pretty good drugs in those.

Okay. But five minutes, tops.

And you can't hog all the drugs this time.

Sold!

Five million to call.

New Lizzy, think about this.

That's all our money. We were gonna start a new life.

Ah, Jesus, you dumb fucking monkey.

Three of a kind to the lizard man.

And a full house for the monkey!

New Lizzy! Holy fuck, I always knew you could do it.

God, I love you!

It's days like these that remind me why I got into this.

Did you get any of that?