Original subtitles

Finch, what are you donating for the Blush charity auction?

This year, in the spirit of giving, I'm donating a night of sexual healing with

Dee Finch.

There's going to be a little ah, a little oh, a little ooh, and then a

ah.

We have a major problem. Fake Gittling has moved his auction to the same night

as ours.

The publisher of Pout Magazine raises cash for kids.

This is terrible. He's going to take our guests, cut into our donations?

Damn it. This auction is our one chance to give something back while getting

free publicity and a huge tax deduction.

For the kids?

Right. Oh, absolutely.

Love the kids.

Why would Gittling pull a stunt like this?

because the man copies everything I do. First, he publishes Pout, a weak

imitation of Blush, and now he's ripping off my auction.

Well, actually, it's the kids' auction.

Right. Obviously, the kids'. The man is my nemesis. Yes, that means super enemy.

Like the Riddler or Dr. Doom or Joel Egan, that mocking buttface from my day

camp.

What are you going to do, Jack?

No choice.

Cancel the auction.

No, don't. If we're both having auctions, let's just co -sponsor with

Great idea. If I co -sponsor, I look magnanimous. And if he declines, he'll

like some kind of jerk. This is the perfect way to zest him.

Plus, we'll raise even more money for the kids.

Okay, do they have you on retainer or something?

Elliot, do you have something to donate for the auction? Yes, I do.

Spend a day with Elliot DeMora. Yep, the lucky winner will spend the entire day

with me doing the things that I do in this high -octane glamorous world of

fashion photography.

I even got a slogan.

The best day of your life may not be today, but it could be DeMora.

Come on, what do you really got? Hey.

Hey, there are plenty of people out there who would give their eye teeth to

spend a few precious moments with me. Like who, your mother? For one.

Every day, I am more and more embarrassed that I let you lay on top of

Oh, Nina, um, do you think that Simon might donate something for the auction?

Oh, you can ask me yourself. Oh, I don't know. He's a famous rock star, and

every time I'm around him, I just yammer on. He probably thinks I'm an idiot.

Oh, Maya, don't be silly. He never listens to you.

Hi, darling. Hello, Maya.

How's the queen, Mom?

She's dead.

Anyway, I was wondering if... there was something that you could possibly donate

for our charity auction?

Oh, maybe I could give you a guitar.

Oh, my God, a guitar?

Perhaps the one I used on Bone Master.

Bone Master?

And I have decided to donate the famous dress I wore on my first Vogue cover.

Neat. Do you think that you could come with me and fill out a donation form?

Fine, lead on. Oh, lead on.

Oh, my God, that's the dress from your Vogue shoot.

Mm -hmm.

I don't know.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Simon is great, but I'm just kind of used to

the famous person in a relationship. And when I'm with him, well, sometimes when

we're together, I feel small and inconsequential. You know, like you.

Well, you've got to try and get past this. Otherwise, it'll mess you guys up.

Believe me, I know how to handle this. You know, whenever something upsets me,

simply smile through it very naturally, like so.

See, I'm sitting with rage, and yet I betray nothing.

Uh -oh.

What's wrong?

I think I'm locked.

Tate is on his way up. Ah.

FYI, I did a few things to give you the edge.

First, I filed down his chair a few inches so you'll appear to be a giant.

Secondly, I powdered your shorts to prevent any unsightly sweating.

Good thinking. Now remember, stay sharp.

Gitling will stop at nothing to humiliate me and this magazine. Got it.

Gallo, good to see you.

Gitling, likewise.

My assistant, Dennis Finch. My assistant, Bridget Manning.

Sir, I think we should leave. First, Gallo's office is not a neutral

And secondly, they filed down the furniture to make you look dwarfish.

I've never seen such a preposterous lie.

Dennis, don't be rude. Why don't you and Bridget get us some coffee?

Stick him with a powder creamer.

Your boss is bloated. What are you feeding him?

A high -protein diet.

He ran a 10K this morning.

Mine wheeled his chair to the window, so suck on that.

First things first. To avoid petty competition, let's agree to donate the

amount of money. Say, 100 grand apiece.

Any amount of money is all right with me because it's all about the kids.

And no one is more needy than Tate's Tots.

Except, of course, Gallo's gang.

Many of the Tots have rickets.

Most of the gang is blind.

Wait a minute. Are you sticking me with powdered creamer while your man gets the

half and half?

You're paranoid.

Then why is yours rich and creamy while mine's full of flecks and floaties?

Hey, sister, if you can't stir vigorously, it's not my problem.

Do you ever wonder why we care so much about the petty requests of two aging

millionaires?

No, never.

Come on. On call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Christmas, New Year's. Tell

me about it. When's the last time you saw the ball drop?

Six years ago. He was stepping out of the locker room after a game of squash.

I meant the ball in Times Square.

I know, but I've been carrying that around. I thought you'd understand.

Do you ever have the murder fantasies?

Constantly. How does yours die?

I throw him out of a roller coaster.

Yours? Strangle him with his vest.

Let's talk about the closing remarks.

I thought I'd be gracious and let you go first.

Oh, I see. So I can open for you and you get the final spotlight. I knew it. You

don't care about the charity. All you care about is appearances.

I don't give a damn about appearances.

Are you wearing makeup? A little, yes.

You know what's amazing?

I've never met anyone that gets me the way you do.

I know.

It's sad we can't see each other. Tate would be furious.

Jack would paddle me.

Because it's strictly forbidden.

Like the Lambada.

Dangerous. Taboo.

I can't stand another minute around this pompous gas bag.

Big words from a man with makeup all over his head.

I have a cranial birthmark. It freaks people out.

And you're not fooling anyone with that talcum powder.

Bridget, let's go.

We've got to find a way to screw them. Yes, we do.

So Maya was really excited about that guitar you gave her. Oh, anything for

my love.

God, what do you have to do to get some service around here?

Well, all you have to do is ask.

God, you could play the harpsichord with those toes.

Oh, my God.

You're Simon Leeds.

I'm your biggest fan. Would you mind?

No, no, no problem.

How can you stand all that fawning? Oh, it's brutal.

You're so lucky you don't have to put up with it.

And what are you saying, that I'm not a celebrity?

No, no, no, no. You're a very well -known personality.

You're saying that I'm past it, my star has faded, that next to you I'm nothing.

Darling, your nostrils are flaring. I think I can see your brain.

Don't dodge the issue.

If you think I'm a has -been, then why don't you just come out and say it?

Who feels like wrecking a sports car?

All right, that's it.

I will not sit here and be patronized by you. I am an A -list celebrity, and I

will prove it to you.

Hey, hey, you.

Who am I?

Four vodka martinis, no olives.

Thank you.

Elliot, it's me, Clark Finkel.

Hey, Clark Finkel.

From, um... Your photography class at the Learning Annex. Oh.

Remember? Right. Fun with news.

Yeah.

Yeah, you were the guy who did the... Self -portraits.

Hey, I'm really excited about the auction. I'm going to win that day with

tomorrow. Hey, hear that?

Mr. Clark Finkel wants to win a day with DeMauro. I came all the way from

Houston. He flew all the way from Houston. Actually, I hid under a truck.

under a what now?

So, Mr. Finkel, how did you hear about the auction?

Well, let's just say, as a fan, I keep close tabs on Mr. Elliot DeMauro.

Well,

I hope you brought...

tons of cash with you because a lot of people want to spend the day in the high

-octane world of fashion photography, but I really hope that you get it.

She's really sweet.

Why did you stop sleeping with her in March of 2000?

You're my Bridgy Widgy.

No, you're my Scrumple Puppy.

Okay, let's hang up together, all right? On three.

One, two, three. I didn't do it either.

Dennis? Gotta go. Hey, Jack.

That was the plumber. Hanra handed a real number in stall three. It's like

Vietnam now.

Can I see you in my office?

Sure can.

You're a chipper.

What's going on?

I'm not chipper. I'm snarky and sarcastic.

Nice hair, you fat... No,

you're happy.

You got something going with Gittling's girl.

Oh, my God. Were you listening in on my phone call? No, I was not. And I don't

care if you are her little snuffle pillow. This ends now. Why?

Because I know you.

In a moment of passion, you'll give away all my secrets.

Oh, what secrets? That you're patenting the word ass -tastic?

I forbid you from seeing her. You can't forbid me. I gave you life.

Oh, you didn't?

Did you?

It's her or me, Dennis.

Choose.

Oh, great. I have to give up the perfect woman because of your petty rivalry.

Go break it off with her.

Why are you staring at my vest?

Hey, what are you doing here? I know it's dangerous, but I just had to see

Listen, I gotta tell you something that's kind of hard for me to say.

Okay, but first, I have a present for you.

Oh, my God, a stool?

I know what it's like to stand behind a station all day, and you, Dennis Finch,

have stood long enough.

You're perfect. Let's go make out in the janitor closet.

Okay.

So, things okay with Simon?

Oh, they will be.

After the auction, when my dress sells for more than his guitar.

How? He's a huge rock star.

Dear, this is a fashion event, and in the world of fashion, I am a celebrity,

major celebrity.

And when some liquored -up drag queen stumbles out of that room wearing my

dress, Simon is going to give me the respect I deserve.

Did I just see you kissing Gitling's assistant?

What? When Jack finds out, he's going to be all... Give me a break, all right?

She's an amazing girl. She's someone who gets me.

Dennis, I need you to... Why is your hair all messed up? What?

It's not. I'm actually... I'm doing it in dreadlocks.

Let's blaze up before sunsplash, Ma.

You know what? I think you've been with that woman.

No, Ma. No woman, no cry.

After I explicitly told you not to.

Oh, enough, Finch. Stop covering for me.

What? Yeah, I've been behind in my work and Finch helped me out all morning.

I see.

Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you.

Mon.

So why didn't you wrap me up? Because that's the first time I've ever heard

say something even remotely nice about a woman. You must really like her.

Thanks, I do.

It feels good to talk about it, you know?

Yeah? Well, hey, you know, I'm a romantic, too, so you can tell me

Okay. Well, first of all, she's really dirty.

What?

Yeah, like filthy dirty, and as you can imagine, I'm pretty nasty myself.

So when we get together, it's like two animals in a pit. I don't even know if

it's sexual we're doing. Oh, wow.

Hey, thanks for letting me share.

Feels good to open the heart up.

So this is a raging success. Yes, it is.

See what we can accomplish when we put an end to our childish games?

I own two helicopters.

I did the cocktail waitress.

Elliot!

Clark, you made it. Cash in hand.

Ooh, the bidding is beginning.

I'm gonna get ya.

I'm gonna get ya.

Maya. Why, I can't spend the day with Norman Bates.

Please, you have to outbid him.

I'll pay.

Whatever he writes down, you write down more.

Why can't you just outbid him yourself?

Well, I would hate to make him angry.

Elliot, are you scared of him?

Come on, yeah.

Yes.

Miss Manning?

Mr. Finch?

Mmm.

You're amazing this afternoon.

You don't make love like an assistant, you make love like a middle manager.

You scream like a comptroller.

Dennis?

What's wrong, honey?

Tate told me something, something terrible, but I can't tell you.

Come on, I'm your little pookie bear, remember?

Okay, but you have to promise not to tell Jack.

Please, are you kidding? I don't tell him anything.

He still thinks his mom's alive.

Okay, Tate and Jack have both promised to donate money, but... Tate's going to

humiliate Jack by also volunteering to work with the children.

Oh, my God.

Tate will look like a saint.

Jack will look like a rich palmist.

Remember, you promised you wouldn't say anything.

I've got to go.

Hey, Nina, great news. Your dress just sold for more than Simon's guitar.

Yes, I knew it. Oh, thank you, adoring public.

Hello, darling.

Listen, I should probably tell you that my gown fetched more than your guitar.

Oh, wow, that's great.

Damn straight.

I guess now we know who the true celebrity is.

Clearly it's you, darling.

What's that?

It's my tongue.

No.

My gown. You bought my gown.

Sometimes I love to feel pretty.

You bought this because you felt sorry for me.

And the only thing more repulsive than rock star arrogance is rock star pity.

Enough. I didn't do this because I pity you. I did it because I love you.

What?

I said I love you.

Simon, you've never said that before.

Well, I'm saying it now.

And it's not something that comes easily unless I'm talking to a city like I

Love You Tampa.

You know, I'm describing my attitude towards an item of food like I love

Well?

I did it. I outbid him. Oh, thank God. We went right down to the wire. He went

100, I went 120.

He went 125, I went 130.

He went 150, I went 5 ,000. What?

Are you fucking insane? You spent $5 ,000 of my money so I can spend the day

with myself?

Next year, I'm going to get you, going to get you, going to get you.

Worth every penny.

I just heard something that could humiliate Jack.

But if I tell him, I'll be betraying Bridget.

Well, the choice is simple. Either side with the woman of your dreams or suck up

to some self -centered, power -hungry tycoon.

Jack, I had to tell you. So he's going to donate his time to that magnificent

scene stealing?

Let me tell you something.

Gitling does not beat me at anything.

Ladies and gentlemen, our co -host and generous benefactor, Mr.

Jack Gout.

Thank you, thank you.

It's a pleasure and a privilege to raise money for this worthy project.

But the kids need more than money.

So today, I'm pledging a month of my valuable time.

I am just bowled over by my

colleague's show of generosity, and his timing is perfect.

I just put in a call to the International Relief Committee, and

spending that month in our newly constructed relief camp in Angola.

You'll love it there, Jack.

Fantastic. You set me up.

How'd you know I'd betray you?

Because you're just like me and that's what I would have done.

If it's any consolation, what we had was real.

This was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

It's tragic.

We're drawn together by our need to serve, yet it is that very need that

us apart.

You're very deep, Dennis Finch.

Listen,

I pocketed some of your underpants. I hope that's cool.

I'm so sorry, Jack.

No, no. Dennis, Dennis, I'm sorry.

You're heartbroken, and I know how terrible that feels. What you need is

time off to get away from everything.

Clear your head.

You're sending me to Angola, aren't you?

It's for the kids, Dennis.

The kids.

The kids.

Keep bringing me back to you.

Keep bringing me home.

It don't matter what I'm gonna do.

It's cause I'm out of your town.

Life keeps bringing me back to you.