Original subtitles

Hey. What's with the suit and the cape?

I just came from a baby shower.

Check this out. I swiped a breast pump.

There's got to be some fun we can have with that thing. Yeah, but you want to

really careful because the suction can get very intense.

So, who's having the baby? I don't know. My friend works at a print shop. He

flips me extra invitations. I haven't paid for a meal since the Greenberg

wedding was canceled.

Where the hell were you? The phone's been ringing off the hook.

I missed my breakfast meeting with Trump, and you were supposed to set

up with my real estate agent.

I'm sick of your screw -ups.

And thanks to you, I'm late to see an apartment.

What's the matter, Jack? Need more space to house your ego?

I thought we were close enough for that, but we're not.

Oh. You also forgot it's Tuesday the 12th. Oh, my God, that's right. You were

going to start wearing your bow tie today.

But someone's dainty hands weren't there to do it.

Come on, I can do it. No, it's ruined.

You know, I used to be able to do it all. Maybe I am slipping.

Look, as long as we have this thing, let's see if we can suck some dents and

dings out of the top of your head.

Oh, this one's really sexy.

No, no, I feel a bit odd about you helping me pick out girls for my video.

Well, Simon, I'm not threatened. I mean, you want your video to be on MTV. You

need really sexy girls.

We should choose someone like you.

You want this video on MTV or the History Channel?

Hey,

what about her? She's got something.

She's strangely bland.

She either needs to bake much more bland or not bland at all.

Maya, would you sleep with this woman?

Nina, I'm not into women.

Granted, she's very attractive.

She's got those eyes that kind of say, I get you.

She obviously works out quite a bit.

Maybe we're having coffee and...

We're laughing, and then without warning, she leans over and gives me a

light it's almost like a whisper.

You want to come play with my breast pump tonight?

Let me know.

Tony Vitelli? Yeah, Jack's real estate agent. Yeah, I recognize him from his

photograph. I went to elementary school with this guy. Oh, my God, what a

coincidence. We have a coincidence party. I'll wear my coincidence hat.

Were you friends?

Yeah, friends steal your lunch money and hit you in the face with fish sticks

and make you pee on your Hank Aaron baseball card, but yeah, we were very

Oh, I'm sorry.

Losers are funny.

He was the biggest kid in school. Always called me Garfunkel.

You gonna cry, Garfunkel?

Come on, sing us a pretty song.

That's awful.

Hey, it was just typical schoolyard stuff. I mean, who hasn't spent the day

stuffed in a bag of soiled girls' gym clothes?

Who makes you a man, right?

Hello, we're from Nordicel Communications.

We have a meeting with Jack Gallop.

Oh, I'll see if I can find him for you.

Hey, Finch, some guys are here from Nordicel.

Oh, my God, the Norwegians?

Totally forgot about that meeting.

Just reschedule it. I can't. They're only in town for one day. Oh, Jack's so

mad, he's going to kill me now.

Finch, calm down.

That's easy for you to say.

I can't just slink in here and wiggle my tight buttocks around while Jack throws

change at me.

Hey, gentlemen, sorry about the delay. I think there's a little bit of a

problem. I hope not. We flew 5 ,000 miles to be here, Mr. Gallo.

I think there's a misunderstanding.

What misunderstanding?

Either you want to me in the new advertising or you don't. Which is it,

Gallo?

Call me Jack.

Come on in. My office. Have a drink.

So, Norway. You guys really rolled over for the Nazis, didn't you?

So, how's it going with Simon's video?

Great. I'm really getting involved creatively, and the band loves me. They

gave me this great nickname, Yoko.

Grandma!

Tess, what are you doing in New York?

I got into acting school, Grandma.

I was going to call you, but I figured if there's anyone I want to tell in

person, it's my grandma.

Tess, I love you, and I am so thrilled to see you, but if you call me Grandma

again, I'm going to have to crush your larynx.

Good to see you again, sweetie.

Hi, I'm Tess.

Well, I know, silly. We spent the whole day together the last time you were

here. We played frisbee in the park.

I gave you my signed copy of The Fountainhead.

We bought friendship bracelets.

Are you kidding on me?

Anyway, um, I was hoping I could spend the night. Oh, you know, my apartment's

being painted, so I'm staying at Simon's. Oh, you could stay at my place.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You think it'd be okay if I crashed it, Simon? Well, okay, but if Simon asks,

you're my friend's daughter.

Fine, okay.

I can't believe I'm staying at Simon Lee's place.

I've got to go to Barney's and pick up a new outfit. Okay, just remember what I

told you.

There's security cameras in the dressing room. Right, so just tear it off the

hanger and run right out that door, okay?

Hey, you're not telling Simon you're a grandmother?

No.

Once he finds out, my sex appeal will evaporate. Oh, that's ridiculous.

Maya, he's a rock star. He can date anyone he wants to.

As soon as he knows I'm a grandmother, he'll start to picture me with a rolling

pin and wearing a pair of giant granny panties.

Hey, Elliot, security just called. Your bully's on his way up to see Jack. I

don't want to see this guy. This is going to be weird.

You're a grown man. It's not that big a deal. You don't understand.

I still have nightmares of this guy towering over me.

Looking for Jack Gallo? That's the monster?

He's adorable.

My God, he hasn't grown an inch since sixth grade.

Looks like the bully is about to become the bullied one.

I guess somebody didn't drink his milk.

Huh? I'm just saying that when I get my hair cut, I don't have to sit in the

tiny airplane.

Do I know you?

Elliot DeMauro.

Elementary school.

Golf uncle?

Oh, look at you!

Your hair's completely receded in the back of your neck!

Wait, wait, wait. Do you still do that weird thing with your arms when you get

nervous? No.

I still can't get this.

Hey, Tony, did you find me a new apartment?

Oh, not one big enough to house your ego.

Come on to the office. We'll have a cigar.

All right.

Well, I guess I'll see you later, jerk.

I can't believe they thought you were Jack.

First of all, I know this magazine inside and out. All right? And secondly,

Norwegians are not upright people.

Jack's going to find out you pretended to be him.

No, he's not. They're on a plane back to Norway. No one's the wiser.

Dennis.

Dennis, I'm sorry I was hard on you before. You are an excellent assistant.

My therapist says I should hug more.

He said it'll help with the mother dreams.

Thanks,

boss. That's great.

Oh, you see that? I'm a genius. We should get together and make smart

I assure you the process is quick, but enjoyable.

Hello, Mr. Gallo.

Hey, Magnus, Thor.

What are you guys doing here? I thought you were on an air icicle heading back

home or whatever.

We enjoyed meeting you so much, we decided to stay and work out a deal in

person. Great. Let's go downstairs.

Grab a cup of coffee, hammer it out.

Oh, actually, Mr. Gallo, I just brewed a fresh pot, just like you like it.

Thank you, Victoria. You're a real treasure.

Dennis!

Dennis! Who is that?

Oh, that's our special male guy. He likes to say his name out loud.

Dennis! Dennis!

Dennis!

Look, I did it myself.

I'd better go give him a chalk, but he's been working on that for four years.

Hey.

Who are those guys?

Oh, they're copier salesmen.

Jack? Yeah?

What are you doing?

I don't know. I'm not doing anything.

Gallo? What?

That. What is that? Listen, you want to deal with every salesman that comes in

here? Let me do my job. You scoot. Go on. Go to lunch.

You did good.

Nice job. You almost got me busted.

You have got to put an end to this. He's going to find out.

I know.

All right, I'll end it right now.

Gallo, you look stressed. I actually am. I think we should talk. No, it is too

much business now.

You come back to our suite at the hotel.

We drink, we steam, we party with elegant and discreet women we obtain

back of the village voice.

So, are you coming?

Is my name Jack Gallo?

Come on.

Sexier, sexier.

Don't buff him, dear. He's not an end table.

Now, I'm sorry, but Nina's right. It's nothing personal. It's just that this

video is called Dirty Girl, and you're not sufficiently dirty.

Chin up.

You're a special lady, number five.

Nina!

What are you doing here?

You forgot to leave me a key to Simon's apartment.

The doorman told me you were here.

Oh. Nina, who's this?

Uh, this is Tess, my friend's daughter.

The zoologist.

Is this a bad time? No, no, it's never a bad time for Tess, my friend's

daughter, the zoologist.

Look, I don't want to sound like a groupie, but... Oh, my God! Simon

You are awesome. If I were wearing panties right now, I would totally throw

at you.

Oh, she's pretty dirty for a zoologist, huh?

Yes, she is. She's dirty.

I'd say she's a dirty girl. Okay, I see where you're going, but no, I don't

think that's a good idea.

No, it's fantastic.

She actually has a certain nano -like quality. It's uncanny.

Don't be ridiculous.

I think we found our girl.

How would you like to be in a video?

Me? In a Simon Leeds video? Oh, my gosh, that's awesome. I'd love to.

Oh, great.

We're going to make a sexy video, and then you can explain to me why pandas

don't mate in captivity.

Oh,

my

God. to home last night. You were out with the Norwegians. That's right,

Being Jack is the most fun I ever had. They were buying me drinks. People treat

me like a king.

I was taking a jacuzzi with three babes and for once I wasn't massaging the old

man's neck.

Hey, baby.

You're a tall drink of water.

You should know I'm an excellent climber.

Forget it, Frodo. You're not planting a flag on this mountain.

Jack around.

No, he's out.

Well, just tell him I dropped off a lifting and I'll be back in an hour.

Hey, it's on your shirt.

Oh!

Don't let him get to you.

I'm twice his size and I'm still intimidated. It's like I am still an 11

-old boy. You are not an 11 -year -old boy.

You're an 11 -year -old girl, you big ballerina.

What?

the score by kicking his ass. It's the only way you're going to feel good about

yourself. Fighting doesn't solve anything.

You need to talk to him. You're a grown man. You have an issue. That is the way

to get closure. And after you're done talking, why don't you give him a big

French kiss?

Why don't you see how the talking goes?

Okay, places, people.

I'm not sure this is a good idea.

Are you kidding?

I'm an actress.

This is my big break.

Well, let me put it another way. I forbid it.

You can't forbid me. Oh, yes, I can. I am your grandmother. I can have you

institutionalized.

No, you can't. My granny did it to me.

And action.

No, no action.

What? Well, you know, the outfit is all wrong. I mean, it leaves nothing to the

imagination. What if we cover her up with... I don't know, like a poncho or a

lead apron.

Alfred's kind of saucy. And action.

Wait! You have an idea?

I mean, isn't fantasy better?

No, really, how about this?

Instead of her making out with Simon, Simon is imagining her, right? No,

check it out. Like, I'm right here.

I'm sexy.

I'm your fantasy girl.

Oh, you can dream about me, but you can't touch me.

Or even better, I'm naked.

You can't see me because I'm naked under my poncho.

Okay, great. We're not doing that.

Nina, if you don't mind, could we please shoot here?

Fine. And action.

Why not? Because she's my granddaughter.

What?

That's right. I'm her grandmother.

In that case, I better take my hand off her job, please.

Hey, Tony, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, what's that on your shirt?

I'm not falling for that again.

Look, I wanted to talk to you about something.

Something personal.

Yeah, sure. What about?

Well, you used to bully me when we were kids, and I just wanted to tell you how

upsetting that was.

Really?

I never knew.

Yeah, you made me look stupid in front of the other kids, and I just thought we

could talk about it so I could finally close that chapter of my life.

Wow. It really upset you, didn't it? Yeah, I mean, it had a huge effect on my

self -esteem.

Well...

What are you going to do about it, huh?

What are you going to do?

What are you going to do about it, huh?

What are you going to do?

Congratulations.

You just beat up a tiny man.

Still don't know why we couldn't sign the papers at the hotel.

No, no, no. The hotel is for pleasure. The office is for business.

You guys got a lot of freaking rules, don't you?

All right, we're signing, we're reading, we're signing, we're scribbling.

Don't worry about the little dots over the O's. I believe you.

Dennis! Dennis!

Crap, give me a chocolate.

What's going on here?

Hello, Dennis.

I like chocolate, too.

Dennis, outside now.

Outside right now.

I better take him out. He won't pee indoors.

You're a grandmother?

I am.

You had a child?

Who had a child?

It's not as bad as it sounds. We both got knocked up before we could drive.

Well, I think it's fantastic.

You do?

You're a sexy grandma.

And I'm dating you, which makes me a sexy grandpa.

And I've always wanted to be a dirty old man.

Oh, what's this then?

So you really find this sexy?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, well then maybe Granny should go and put on an apron.

Papi would like that.

What the hell were you thinking, stealing my identity?

Is there anything else you did while you were pretending to be me?

Well, you might have given a Danish prostitute your credit card.

This is unbelievable.

I know. At first, I just didn't want to tell you I'd screwed up again.

But then it was so great being Jack Gallo, I got carried away.

I mean, you must be bored with it by now.

Actually, it's pretty fantastic all the time.

No, I just... I've always kind of wished I was you.

And for two days I got to live it.

For once in my life, I felt important.

Gallo, are we going to finish this?

I'll explain everything.

No, you won't.

Go and close the deal, Mr. Gallo.

Really? Yes, really.

That's a very nice Rolex you have there, Dennis.

Thank you.

Would you like to trade it for a chocolate?