Original subtitles

Jack, I've got two front row tickets to see Mr. Chick Rivers tonight, and I want

you to be my guest.

Oh, no, thank you, Elliot.

No, I don't go for that put -down humor. I like comedy that makes me laugh. You

know, like Blondie and Dagwood and that hilarious, gigantic sandwich.

It's funny because it's big.

So big is funny. Uh -huh. Let me jot that down.

Well, Finch, I was just having drinks and I ran into your father.

My father's in town?

Why didn't he call me?

You know, he's been acting so strange lately.

Well, you should go talk to him. He's at the bar at the Lincoln Park Hotel.

Oh, I know that joint. It's a hangout for drunken lowlifes who think they're

celebrities. What are you talking about? I go there all the time. I never see

anybody like that.

Nina, Nina, Nina, Nina. I need your advice.

When I was 17, I lived in the building next to the sweet guy Gordon Sattler,

we were in love. We were like the perfect couple. Okay, I'm bored. If I

hear the phrase dank rec room or delicious black man in the next

leaving.

All right.

So things were really heating up between me and the delicious black man when his

family decided to move to Arizona, and we promised that if we still felt the

same for each other in 20 years, we would meet at McAllister's bar, and

tonight's the night.

I don't know. You think that's silly?

No, I think it's beautiful.

Really? Yeah.

You know, before I met Simon, I always thought that ugly people invented love

just to make themselves feel better.

But now I think maybe we do all have a soulmate. So you think I should go?

Hey, do what you want, old maid. I got my man.

Dad.

Dennis. Dennis, what the hell are you doing here? What are you doing here? Why

don't you call me?

Look, I know how sensitive you are about me and your mom splitting up.

Well, you might as well know.

I met somebody.

Is it a fella?

Cut it out. I'm your father.

Well, who is she?

Her name is Glenda, and she's incredible.

She's right over there.

Oh, well, I'm happy for you. So how'd you meet this Glenda? Well, I was buying

some pants at a department store. She was just standing there. Ah.

And here she is.

This is Glenda Harbivian.

Yeah, this is the girl you're dating? Are you completely out of your mind?

Why? Because she's Armenian?

She makes me feel alive.

She's got a dent in her head.

It's not a dent. It's a scar. She fell off a horse when she was four.

What?

Horse, pony, why do you correct me in front of the kid?

Sit down. Sit down. Order some food. It's fantastic.

Baby, baby, you haven't eaten any of your rice. Come on. Come on, huh?

There you go.

Come on, a little bit more there. That's it. That's it.

You're going to see Jack shrink.

See that guy going to the john?

What, is that her husband?

It's an insurance investigator. This is all an act.

They're forcing me out of my job as fire chief. Six months short of my pension.

Proving I got a mental disability is the only way I can get the money they owe

me. Dad, you can't go on like this. It's embarrassing.

I got no choice.

I got no money. I got no place to go.

This is my one chance to grow old with some dignity.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Somebody had a little too much to drink, huh?

That's okay. No problem.

This better be good, Elliot.

This is going to be great.

Chick Rivers is a genius. He's going to find some poor staff in the audience and

he's going to make some off -color remarks about his race or his religion

wife.

Is his wife comically large?

You're going to have to let that go.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chick!

opening night back in New York and they put an old man up front. My luck.

They didn't even give him a chair. I think he's sitting on his prostate.

What the hell are you laughing at, Baldy?

He's touching himself under the table.

No offense. I don't mean any harm. You have a beautiful head of skin.

Actually, it's more like a wide part is what it is.

Tell you one thing you don't have to worry about. If you find a hair in your

suit, you know it's not yours.

So tell me, Cheech, you got a girl?

No. Here it comes.

Don't worry, I know where guys like you can get all the love they want.

Prison!

I have fantasized about this night for

20 years.

It's like in my mind, Gordon has become this well -educated romantic.

Loves children and writes poetry.

But I really shouldn't get my hopes up because it's been hours. And what if he

doesn't show up late?

There he is.

Oh, my. Don't just sit here. Go to him. Don't let him get away.

Yes. Very funny.

This is a big waste of time because I'm sure Gordon has moved on with his life.

That makes me the biggest loser in the world.

Am I supposed to say something?

Okay, uh... So you're alone, you're childless, you're pinning all of your

romantic hopes on some acne -scarred kid you haven't seen for 20 years, but that

doesn't make you a loser.

Makes you mild.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, you have to admit, your love life has been sort of like a train wreck. It

has not!

Hey, look, I'm not judging you. I admire you.

If I had been rejected by as many men as you have, I'd be a big fat lesbian by

now.

You know, I have always been a good friend to you, and you have always put

down. Tonight was really important to me, and I'm just not going to take it

anymore. I have too much self -respect.

Was this mannequin attractive?

She was pretty hot.

Classy or trashy?

Bloomingdale's front window.

Nice.

Thanks for helping me out. It means a lot to my dad. You bet.

Dennis! All right, I'm here. What's up? Hey, I got great news. You don't have to

worry about money anymore.

Jack's gonna hire you as his driver.

Look, I don't want any charity, all right? I have my pride.

Dad, when I left you, you were tightening your girlfriend's arm with a

knife.

Listen, Red, if you'll do it, it could really help me out.

All right, there's no shame in an honest day's work. Jack, I won't let you down.

I drove a hook and ladder for 12 years, until the incident.

I still maintain a fire truck has a right -of -way over a school bus.

Listen, Red, you could take me to a meeting right now. Dennis, give him the

Yeah.

Oh, I don't wear hats.

You wore a fire hat. Fire helmet.

Helmet, protective headgear. Hats for prancing dandies.

Well, it's fine, Red. You don't have to wear the hat.

I really want to wear the hat.

Jack, come on, Jack. Hat or no hat, I'm your man.

Okay. Hey, let's go. We'll take a shortcut through the park.

I don't think so, sweetheart. The park? No, no, no. We stick to the main street.

Maya, I know I was a little insensitive the other night, but I've come up with

something that I think is going to make this all better.

And what could you possibly do to make me feel better?

I found Gordon.

He got the wrong night. He still loves you. He thought of no one else for like

20 years. And here he is.

Myra.

You look more beautiful than you did in high school.

Remember that?

Those were good times.

I'm not Myra.

Myra.

You look more beautiful than you did in high school.

What is this, some kind of joke to you? I was trying to help.

Yeah, I don't need that kind of help. What I need now is a real friend,

I can talk to and trust.

Oh, you blew it, genius.

You can just forget about that hot dog.

Jack. Elliot, you walked out on a great show after you left Rivers lit into this

Japanese guy.

Make you love in a rickshaw.

You know what, Jack?

It's hurtful when the insults are aimed at you. And somebody's got to teach that

guy a lesson.

Uncle Jimmy, come in here.

Jack, I want you to meet my Uncle Jimmy.

He's the funniest man in my family, and he's going to help me get back at

Rivers.

What's that, your hair?

What the hell's going on up there?

This is not a good idea. Rivers has been facing down Heckler's for 40 years.

He's going to eat you alive.

No, he's not.

Uncle Jimmy has a file cabinet full of one -liners. Rivers is going down.

Come on, Uncle Jimmy.

What's that, your head?

That one's under construction.

Hey, Stretch!

Are you the Statue of Liberty?

Or some other tall lady from France?

Hey, hey, so how's the job going?

Jack must be happy. I got him to that meeting 20 minutes early.

Oh, whoa, he hates being early.

Forces him to make small talk with middle class people.

Hey, Jack, don't forget now. You got that appointment at 8 o 'clock. Your

leaves at 745 Sharp.

Whether you're in it or not.

He poked me.

And you know how I hate to be touched.

Sorry, Jack. He's used to being chief. He's just going through an adjustment.

Don't worry, Dennis.

I'll do with him like I do with all my employees.

I'll crush his spirit until he's incapable of independent thought.

You don't do that with us.

Yes, I do.

You're right.

Now, get me a chocolate phone. That's crazy.

No, it's not. Okay.

Red, we got a little problem. I'll say.

You got an overloaded outlet next to flammable snack foods. Those bagel chips

will go up like a Christmas tree.

I know it's ironic, but it happens.

Yeah, okay, Red, we need to talk about the way things work around here. Now,

you got a three -alarm fire.

Now, I know there's going to be a lot of firemen there, but how many chiefs?

Well, Jack, it depends on how you want to attack the fire.

Maybe you've got your host chief, your pumper chief, your rescue... All right,

forget the fire. Yeah, I wish I could, that red -eyed devil. Do you know how

much of my ass is grafted onto my elbows?

Look, Red, my point is, I run this magazine, and around here, we do things

my way.

So how's everything going over here?

Mr. Fancy -Fancy, you just read me the riot act, huh? Come here, you big teddy

bear. Come here. Come here.

Oh,

Jimmy, this stuff is great.

The minute that bastard Rivers sets on stage, I'm going to give him a taste of

his own medicine.

Here's one in case he's dressed like a chicken.

You never know.

Ladies and gentlemen, check...

Cheeky, cheeky rivers.

Oh, look who else is here, my favorite pal.

The poor man's Yul Brynner.

Is that your head or are you sitting upside down?

What is that, chick? Rivers or a fossil in a tuxedo?

Very cute, very cute.

Here he is, folks. Proof positive that cousins do marry.

Where were you conceived?

At a family reunion?

That's a good one, Rivers.

Your brain is still fit, and I'll tell your body to get with the program.

Is this guy angry?

Somebody must have slipped him a crazy glue enema.

That joke was cheap and easy, like your wife.

Call it, will you, pal? I'm trying to do a show here. Now, enough is enough.

Sends a missus after a minute of sec.

My arm.

My arm hurts. Can't feel my arm. It fell asleep.

It's been watching your act.

Hey, can I get some water out here? Finally, he's going to take a bath.

Oh, I don't feel good. But because you look like crab.

Oh, my

God, I killed Chick Rivers.

Here's one in case he's wearing a cowboy hat.

Bingo. Dad, open up. Come on. We're here.

All right, girls.

All right, this one's a freebie. Next time, you're taking the Shoe Leather

Express.

I don't like this premise.

Hey, how about a little champagne?

Come on, remember when big was funny?

Come on, boys, strap in. We gotta make up some time.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, an ambulance.

We can follow in its wake.

Huh?

Ed, hey, you want to slow down a little bit?

No, no, no. We got to get there early. The early bird catches the worm.

I'm Jack Gallo. I've already got the worm.

Besides, the faster you hit these potholes, the smoother they feel.

Ed, will you excuse us for a minute?

fire him. What?

I can't fire my own father?

Dennis, this isn't working. You brought him in. I want you to take him out.

It'll be quick and painless.

It's easy for you to say. You've never been spanked with your own flute.

Jack, give him another chance.

He's a great guy. Before you know it, you'll love having him around.

Otto!

Ow!

Your panties still dry, ladies?

He's gone.

All right, I can't take this anymore.

You want me to get real?

Well, this is how I feel about you. This is from my heart.

Why do birds suddenly appear Every

time you are near Just like me

But not in a gay way.

Lena, that was the lamest gesture I've ever seen. I know, I know,

I know, I know.

I'm so, so sorry that things didn't work out with Gordon.

You know, I actually did try to track him down, but I... No, it's sweet,

I'm glad he didn't come back. Come on. No, I mean it. The real Gordon could

never live up to the perfect person that I created in my imagination.

Better to keep it a fantasy. I just need to move on.

Well, I so admire your perspective.

On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to

dream.

Hey, Uncle Jimmy.

I just spoke to Mr. Rivers in the hospital. He's going to be okay, but I

tell you, I feel terrible.

I got to tell you, I feel like an egg cream.

That goes in the file.

You know what?

The great news is that he loves your jokes and he wants to buy a couple.

Take that, Mom and Pop.

I just stopped by Jack's place to pick him up. They said he'd already left.

the hell is going on? Yeah, uh, I gotta talk to you about that.

Let's go in here.

All right, what's up?

Dad, uh, it's kind of hard for me. It's about your job, Jack.

Jack, Jack, Jack what?

Jack was, uh, this is tough to say.

Oh, come on. Come on. Quit wasting my time, kid. Spit it out. I'm trying.

try harder. Get up on your two feet like a man, look me in the eye, and say what

you have to say.

All right.

You're fired.

You're the worst driver we've ever had. You're reckless. You're arrogant. You've

been here one day. You've already driven to four meetings without Jack.

That's because I won't wear the hat, right? No. No. Dad, it's everything.

isn't the job for you. I'm sorry.

What's happening to me?

First I lose my career, then I lose my pension, now I get fired from this

job by my third favorite son.

No offense, kid, but I just haven't known you as long.

Don't worry, Dad.

You're gonna land on your feet.

I don't think so, kid.

You kidding me? You face worse than this. Come on.

Remember when the old lumber mill burned down?

I think I remember you were the first guy in there, and you didn't leave till

the last guy was saved.

What were you doing at the lumber mill?

I wasn't looking at porn and lighting bottle rockets, that's for sure.

Say, where do you think I can turn my life around, huh?

Of course you can, you're Red Finch.

Look at this, look at this.

Who would have thought my youngest son would be the one to be propping me up

these days, huh?

You're a good kid, Dennis.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

And listen, enough of this crazy mannequin stuff.

When you're getting back on your feet and you need anything, you come to me.

Hey, maybe I could move in with you.

Is my father mentally competent?

Why don't you ask my new stepmom?

We just found out we're having a baby.