Original subtitles

You're late. Where have you been?

Oh, yeah.

The subway was delayed. I guess there was a fire on the track.

Liar.

What was that?

That is a handheld lie detector. It analyzes the stress levels in your

Now, again, where were you this morning?

I was giving blood.

Liar.

My cat was sick.

Liar.

All right, I was at FAO Schwartz having a lightsaber fight with some punk ten

-year -old.

I totally kicked her ass. Liar.

Hey, Simon's coming later and I need to ask you something.

You cannot have sex in my office. I don't know what you people did last

but there was a butt print in my tabletop zen garden.

It's not that.

Last night, out of nowhere, Simon mentioned moving in together.

God, that is huge. What did you say? Well, I didn't know what to say.

Luckily, all the partying has eroded his short -term memory, so I shut the door,

opened it again, and he thought I'd just arrived.

But he was the love of your life. Oh, he is. He is amazing.

But I'm like a wild tiger, free and independent.

It takes a huge dosage of tranquilizers to affect me.

The thing is that everything's been moving so fast with Simon, I just, I

know what I want.

Well, you're going to have to decide something. You can't dodge it forever.

I know, I know. It's just that, you know, if I could just have some time to

myself, I could figure it out. But the problem is we spend every moment

together. Well, let him hang out with his friends for a couple of nights.

he is a rock star.

All his friends are either on tour, in rehab, or dead.

Except for Kenny Loggins, and I'm not about to encourage that.

Hi.

Simon, you're early.

Oh, I missed you.

Listen, why don't we fly up to Maine for dinner? They've got this place there

that serves authentic New York pizza.

Well, thank you, Jenna.

Meet with all the new models to make sure they understand their contracts.

Liar.

Oh, sorry, Jack. I must have left this on by accident.

Liar.

Fine. I enjoy the vibration.

You have one of these, too, huh?

Oh, look. They both love Gadget.

Maybe they should spend some time together.

Hey, you know what?

I bet you both have some other things in common, too.

Like... You've both been blackmailed with bogus sexual harassment suits?

I'm so sorry about that, Jack.

Hey, Simon, are you a Giants fan?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I love American football.

Why don't you come to the game with me tonight?

Oh, that'd be great.

Oh, wait, um, I can't. I'm taking Nina to Maine for dinner.

Oh, no, no, no, it's okay. You go with Jack, really. You know, I'm not really

welcome in Maine since I plowed into Stephen King.

He'll get you damn rent. Just give me a couple of days.

Um, Nikki, if you're a little short this month, I could help you out.

Oh, that's sweet, but I wouldn't feel right taking money from you.

Gosh, I really feel bad. She can't pay her rent.

Yeah, New York is a tough town.

You know, if she doesn't feel comfortable taking money from me, maybe

get payroll to cut her a check.

Tell her it's a bonus. They could take it out of my salary. Wow, that is a

beautiful gesture from a very kind person.

You want to chip in? Don't push it. Not everyone's daddy's a millionaire,

princess.

Hey.

Did Lily Barton call for me?

Uh, let me... You know, there was a centerfold in one of my dad's old girly

magazines named Lily Barton. Mm -hmm, that's her.

What? Are you kidding me? Dude, she's hot.

Listen, you gotta introduce me, pal. No.

No, her gallery has the edgiest stuff in town. She's thinking about...

showing my photos. Now, if you start creeping her out, you're going to blow

for me. I'm not going to creep her out. I'm her biggest fan.

Her turn -ons are gabbing and flamenco dance. Her turn -offs are rude people

nukes.

You are going nowhere near her.

Please, it's not like I'm some obsessed fan.

I just happen to admire a woman who was born in Biloxi, Mississippi to a

preacher father who once pulled a perfect game.

Don't you walk out on me like her pill -popping ex -husband, Todd.

You're in a good mood. Since your father's been hanging out with Simon,

refreshed. Last night I took a long bubble bath, drank until I passed out,

awoke coughing water out of my lungs.

Nice to have some me time.

Okay, let's get started.

What's with the guitar?

My buddy Simon is teaching me to play.

Okay, first item, Vicki.

I looked over your advertising report.

And I'll feed Cord, because he's happy with your work.

Oh, thank you, Jack. All right. Elliot, what you got for your shoot tomorrow?

It's leopard print boots.

I figured I'd put them in cages and shoot them like they're animals.

Or I could just slap them on half -naked models like I always do.

Please,

the guitar thing is a real snore. Well...

According to Simon, if anyone knows about snoring, it would be you.

Simon's been telling you things about me. I don't like that one bit.

But he says she's louder than a gig at Wembley.

And easier to get into.

Vicki, how's it going?

Amazing. Guess who just got a bonus?

That's great.

I bet it'll really help out. It already has. Check out my new lamp suede boots.

You bought boots?

I thought you had all those built.

Oh, but this is bonus money, fun money. I want to splurge.

Hey, Nina, you want to go to lunch?

Champagne's on me.

Vicki, dear, at this point, champagne just sobers me up. Let's go eat some

martinis. Okay.

Lily's here. She's hot as ever, man. Check her out. Do not blow this for me.

Hey, Miss Barton. Hey, come on. I'll show you into the studio and show you my

work. Hey there, Bubba. Why not so fast?

Maybe she'd like a cup of coffee.

And perhaps maybe a Sanka with two sugars and a little sploosh of cream.

I used to love Sanka.

Oh, really?

What a coincidence.

That has been shy.

Well, thank you, Dennis Finch. This is a nice treat. Yes, it is, and we can have

it in the studio.

You know what? You're lucky you caught me. I usually run out to lunch and

protest nukes.

Oh, I'm tired. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

It's flamenco dancing all night.

Oh, I'm gabbing away.

Things I love to do, though, flamenco dancing and gabbing away, but not nukes.

don't like nukes.

Oh, I get it. You memorized a magazine I was in 30 years ago.

So now what? I'm supposed to rip off my clothes and jump into bed with you? Oh,

that'd be great.

Let me guess.

You live alone.

You love sci -fi. You've had the same condom in your wallet since 1978.

See? I know you. You know me.

Hey, how's it going with Simon?

Well, to be honest, he's been spending so much time with Jack, I've barely seen

him. So I'm going to go over there right now and show him this.

Oh, my God, you're naked.

Actually, I'm wearing a fine layer of cooking oil. Actually, it's Pam.

Simon's got high cholesterol.

I have to tell you, Elliot, I find your photographs disgusting and deeply

disturbing. But you're going to use them? Oh, yeah, there's a real market

this crap.

I can't tell you how much this validation means to me.

Call me later at the gallery.

All right.

Miss Barton, wait, wait. I have to apologize for being so forward before.

During my coffee break, I took the liberty of glazing you a small pot.

That's very sweet.

And you're very persistent.

Ah, you want to see me make a muffin? I don't think so.

Willie! Oh, Bob!

There you are. This is Dennis.

Hold this. I'll get my purse.

You, uh, glazing pots for my girl?

Maybe. I don't see no ring, Grandpa.

Don't let my age fool you. I have the heart of a 30 -year -old.

All right, whatever.

No, really. Some yuppie skied himself into a tree and I got his ticket.

Sorry, but Lily belongs with a real man.

I don't think so. I think she belongs with me.

Simon, open up. I've got a little surprise for you.

Holy biscuits!

I thought you were going to be alone tonight.

No, Jack dropped in. Stick around. We ordered pizza, and if the delivery guy's

not here in four minutes, it's free.

We can't lose.

I gave the doorman a hundred bucks to stall him.

I love this guy.

Today, we set up a shell corporation to limit my tax liability, and then we had

ice cream.

Uh -huh. You know, Simon, I know that I told you I wanted you to hang out with

Jack. Oh, it was a great idea. You see, all my other girlfriends have been

possessive and needy, and there's nothing turns me off more than a needy

Well, that certainly isn't me.

No, in fact, I'm thrilled that I came over here naked, and you'd rather play

guitar with a middle -aged man.

Oh, great.

Here, let's jam.

Two, three.

For wild things.

You make my heart sing.

You make everything gravy.

I think your father has fallen in love with my boyfriend.

What are you talking about?

As we speak, they're in the park playing something called handball. Well, that

can't be good.

Well, you wanted some time alone.

Well, I know, but now I feel like Simon's pushing me away.

Okay, a couple of nights ago, he mentioned moving in together, and you

even respond.

Maybe his feelings were hurt, and he decided to back off a little.

Oh, my God, I never thought of that.

You know, you're pretty good with this relationship stuff. I can't figure out

why you're not with a great guy.

Well, in the words of William Butler Yates, a pity beyond all telling is hid

the heart of love.

That's why.

You know how when you were a kid, you always dreamed that you had enough money

so you could just rent a monkey?

No! Who cares about a monkey?

It's a monkey!

This is out of control! Stop wasting my money!

Your money?

You didn't get a bonus. I gave you that money for rent.

Oh.

So, then I guess this is your monkey.

Hey, when did you and Elliot have a kid?

Listen, I want to talk to you. Did Linda talk about me? Did she mention me at

all? Let it go. You fell in love with a picture in a magazine. You don't even

know her.

Look, she's not just a picture to me, all right?

She's the basest of every woman I've ever seen since.

Have you ever had a woman like that in your life?

Linda Carter, Wonder Woman.

With her bracelets and her bustier and her lasso of truth.

I actually spray -painted a jump rope gold one summer and carried it around.

College was great.

So you see how I feel? I do.

Look, I happen to know that Lily's going to be at her gallery at 6 .30.

All right, so go for it, buddy. All right.

Hey, you know what?

One day you might get a shot at Linda Carter. And if you do, don't tell her

about the jump rope.

Seriously, between that and your crazy eyes and those pie -plate nipples of

yours, you're a tough drink to order from.

Lily, what a surprise.

Dennis, what are you doing here?

Well, I certainly didn't follow you.

Come on, I saw you running after the cab all the way from the gallery.

What are you doing looking out of the back of the cab at a man when you've got

beautiful lady here? Gay.

Excuse me, Junior, but in my time, a gentleman did not show up uninvited.

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the craft, Maddox.

Don't push me. I fought in Korea.

Come on, guys. Why don't we just relax and have a cocktail?

No. I earned the Purple Heart, and for what?

To take a lip from a punk like you?

Bob, give the war thing a rest. You were injured falling off a donkey under your

comb.

Yes, and I bet the comb had all its original teeth.

That's it.

I'm inviting you outside.

It is time for Fisticuffs.

This will just take a second. I'll turn on my cell phone and screw up his

pacemaker.

Hello, Lou.

Listen, I've got something for you.

Please tell me Jack isn't here.

No, he's trying squash.

Larry to that.

Look, the other night, you mentioned something about us living together, and

just kind of ignored it, but I've given it some thought, and I think maybe it's

time.

Well, I'm not sure that moving in is the best thing for us right now. No, if

this is about giving me space, it's okay. Don't worry about it.

I mean, yeah, I admit I was freaked out about losing my independence, but you

know something?

I am completely ready to be with you.

Yeah, well, Jack doesn't think it's a good idea.

What? Well, he's a smart man, and I've really tried to trust him. You know

You know what? That's it. That's it. I can't take this anymore.

Nina!

What about us?

What about this?

Oh, hello, Mrs.

Jacobson. Who thought we'd find ourselves in this awkward situation yet

Coot caught me off guard with a sucker punch.

Sure, he rolled up his sleeve and did the old windmill windup first, but the

punch itself came out of nowhere.

I think I have something that'll fix you right up. Oh, oh, here's the thing

about Bactine.

It stings a lot, and I'd rather not cry twice in one night. You know, there is

just something about you.

You remind me of a movie star from the 60s. Oh, Steve McQueen?

Mia Farrow. Oh.

I'll be right back.

I'm in Lily's apartment. I think it's going to happen.

That's amazing.

Yeah, but I'm kind of freaked out.

Why?

Because she's been so special to me for so long. What if it doesn't live up to

my expectations?

You know, then I won't even have the fantasy.

Oh, you're right. I mean, maybe you should walk away, man. That way it'll

stay perfect.

You're right. You're right.

You know what? I got to go.

I'm feeling feverish. I got bit by Maya's monkey.

Hey, Lily, there's something I need to tell you.

Right after we land.

Vicki, I'm really sorry. I just wanted to help, but I handled that very badly.

No, I have a problem with money. I never had any as a kid, so when I get some, I

go wild.

That's funny, because I've always had money and never been able to enjoy it.

Oh, my God. That's crazy.

Look, you only go around once.

If there was anything you could do right now, what would it be?

Oh, well, that's easy. I'd go back in time and drink mead with Geoffrey

Duh.

How about a trip to Vegas right now?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that. Why? Oh, come on, you said that you never enjoy

money. It could be fun.

Well, you're right. Maybe in the spring we could... No, right now.

We're going to fly first class and we're going to stay in a top hotel.

Okay.

And eat stuff from the minibar and not replace it before they check?

Yes. I bet you they'll have a jacuzzi. And really hot room service guys who

bring us pancakes but turn out to be strippers and then we'll pour syrup on

for a change?

Vegas!

Vegas! Yeah!

Nina, we're going to Vegas to eat pancakes off of strippers. Get Kurt and

They'll thank me later.

How dare you tell Simon we shouldn't move in together? You call him right now

and tell him you were wrong.

No, and don't put me in the middle. It's very dodgy being chums with a bird that

my mate is rogering.

Hello?

Simon, great, Nina's here. You two can clear this up. No, no, I don't want to

talk to him.

Simon, Nina's really pissed.

No, not pissed as in drunk, pissed as in mad.

Well, maybe both.

He says he never meant to hurt you.

And yet he did.

And yet you did.

He says you two have a lovely future.

Yeah, well, then why didn't you want to live with me?

Why didn't you want to live with me?

I agree with Jack.

There's no reason to rush things when you plan on being with someone forever.

Forever? Do you mean that?

Of course.

Nina, I love you.

When I hold you in my arms, it's like living a dream I never want to wake up

from.

She

just

kissed me.

He wants me to fondle your breasts.

Maybe you better... Better just talk to him in person. I think that's a good

idea.

Tell Simon that kiss didn't affect me at all.

Liar.

He's right.

The vibration does feel good.