Original subtitles

Dennis, is my diet meal here yet?

Um, what is that, a donut?

Yeah, I'll get rid of it. No, no, no, no, no. Just because I'm on a diet

mean you can't enjoy a donut.

Actually, I'm done. Eat it.

Yeah, that's it.

It's good, huh?

The jelly filling, the powdered sugar. You got some sugar on your lip.

Lick it.

You're making me feel uncomfortable.

Maya, look. The cutest guy just got off the elevator.

Wow, he is cute. Who is he?

Based on a T -shirt, I'd say he's either a fireman or someone hired a stripper.

He's not a stripper. He's a fireman, an American hero.

I don't like what you're implying about strippers.

You know, I've always had the biggest fireman fantasy.

Ooh, tell.

Well, there's this cute fireman, kind of like that one, and we have sex.

And?

And what?

Oh, for God's sakes, Maya, that's your fantasy?

Now listen, you're home alone one night experimenting with witchcraft.

You accidentally knock over some black centuria candles.

A handsome young fireman knocks down the door, drags you to the floor, and makes

wild, passionate love to you on the singed carpet, heedless of the chicken

feathers and beaks.

Oh, my God.

Pretty stunning, huh? How do you think we can get his attention?

Son of a bitch!

Interesting choice.

Vicki, you've got to take me back. Get the hell out of here, Pete.

My God, is that your husband?

Soon to be ex -husband.

Lying piece of garbage. I hope he's eaten alive by rats.

I think it's so healthy they're talking.

I made one mistake.

You slept with my best friend.

Between me and you, not a very good best friend.

I'm not talking now, and I'm not talking later. Maya, would you please get him

out of here?

Vicki, come on.

Okay, this is getting boring now.

Come on, big guy.

Take it off. Come on.

Having a little trouble with the missus, huh?

I got to get her back.

We've been together since junior high.

First day of seventh grade, I saw Vicki smiling at me from across the hall.

I knew right there I was going to marry her.

That's sweet.

So Vicki's best friend, is she a screamer?

I don't know. Are you a screamer?

Talking about loving or fighting?

Either way, I think it's a yes.

Hi.

I'm Maya.

I work with Vicki.

I guess we have kind of a flammable situation here.

So maybe you should go.

Maya, I don't know what to do here.

I gotta tell Vicki how sorry I am for screwing things up, because...

I don't think I can live another day without seeing the sparkle in those

beautiful eyes.

Take me.

Take me advice.

Just give her a chance to cool down.

Listen, would you talk to her for me? Tell her how I feel?

Oh, I don't know if that's really my place.

I don't want to put you in a weird position.

Just tell her that...

Pete, don't.

Just tell her if she's willing to talk to me.

I'll be waiting for her downstairs at the restaurant after work.

Oh, a restaurant.

Must be nice to shove whatever you want into your mouth and never gain an ounce.

You people make me sick.

Is my meal here yet?

Yes, I'm opening it right now. Well, hurry up, damn it. I'm up to here with

dilly -dallying. and your Cornish game hand figure.

Is he dieting again?

Yeah, I don't know why he has to put us through all that. He looks fine.

Yeah, I know. He's got that powerful build like a bear. He gives you that

You just want to stay in there through winter.

Anyway, I was going to hit him up for a raise, but instead of seeing a deserving

assistant, in this mood he'll see some guy that might just taste like a chicken

finger. Dennis, hurry now!

Fortifying his diet with a little vitamin bitch?

He's not going to believe his donuts are on his diet. That's where you're wrong,

my friend. People will believe anything, no matter how cuckoo, as long as it's

what they want to believe.

Oh, yeah, like we convinced you that a white Miata was a cool guy car.

Doesn't matter.

Traded it in for a sweet cabriolet.

Okay.

Nina, your rock star boyfriend's on his way up. Oh, Diamond.

God, just hearing his name makes me feel like a schoolgirl.

Yeah, that's funny. You're not naked, and I don't see a satisfied marching

Said the man who went to his junior prom with the lunch lady.

Bertha Washington was a very attractive older woman.

And she made a dynamite sloppy joe.

I bet Simon's coming up here to take me to some fabulous restaurant for lunch.

Yeah. What, to apologize for this?

Oh, my God. What is he doing with that woman?

It's obvious. She's choking, and he's helping by squeezing her boobs.

How about I take you out to lunch?

How about I roll this up and hit you over the head with it?

Sounds hot. Shall we go to your office?

I can't believe you cheated on me.

And we made a sacred pact that we wouldn't sleep with anyone else unless

together and we could talk Halle Berry into it.

I wasn't cheating on you. That's just one of the girls my publicist has to

photograph me with. You know, to protect my image as someone who rogers

everything inside.

Oh, that is the lamest excuse I ever heard.

Darling, please, it's just to hype my new album.

Please, I would never hurt you. I just want all my adoring fans to think I

would.

Great, but if Halle Berry returns my call, you're out.

Anyway, he said he'd be waiting for you in the restaurant. He really wants to

talk. Look, I know you're trying to help, but just forget it.

He cheated on you. I'm not defending that. I'm just saying that he wants to

to you. He seems so sweet and so sorry. So what?

Look, why can't he just move on? It shouldn't be too difficult. Girls go

for firemen.

You know, she's right.

That's very true. I come from a long line of firemen.

I was actually going to be a flame monkey myself.

But I didn't weigh enough to carry me down the pole.

Ladies?

Who's in the mood for...

Pork chops.

Donuts for breakfast and now pork chops?

How can I possibly lose weight eating this stuff?

Science, Jack.

Food combining.

The fat from the pork chops breaks down the sugar in the donuts.

That's why tonight, after your baby back ribs, you'll be forced to eat a moon

pie.

Moon pies? That's crazy.

Hey, the best scientists in the world devised this system. But if Jack Gallo

says they're wrong, then they must be wrong.

What with all the lab work you do around here at a fashion magazine.

All right, all right. I'll give it a shot.

Okay, now suck it up and munch down those pork chops. And if you feel

in your left arm, that's just the magic of food combining.

I don't care if Simon was with those women just for publicity. It's still

humiliating. Who cares what the press says? You know what you have.

The same thing happened to me when I was dating Christy Turlington. I mean,

sure, she was seen with Ed Burns and Ben Affleck partying through the night.

But who was home walking her dogs and scrubbing her yoga mats?

You, Elliot.

You've got to help me teach Simon a lesson. Are you busy tonight?

It'll have to be early. I'm picking up Renee Zellweger's mother at the airport.

If you want the tabloid to print this picture, you're going to have to

some more heat. Okay.

For God's sakes, can't you act straight for one hour?

I don't know if that's how she feels. That's how she feels.

Anyway, thanks for coming by and giving me the bad news.

You know, for what it's worth, I just really think that she should talk to

Thanks, Maya. It really means a lot that a woman like you thinks I deserve

another chance. A woman like me?

Yeah, you're obviously compassionate.

You're intelligent.

You're a great listener.

God, he's adorable.

Maya, stop it.

He's Ricky's husband. Well, soon to be ex -husband.

So it doesn't matter. He's off limits.

Stop thinking about his eyes.

His shoulders and his... Breadstick?

What?

Oh.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Vicky loves breadsticks.

And John's bagel chips.

All crispy bread products.

Pete, it's gonna be okay.

Poor guy.

I bet he could use a hug right now.

Would that be weird?

No, it's just a way to comfort someone in pain.

I hugged Nana when Grandpa died.

This is no different.

See? Just like Nana.

Wow.

Thanks. I really needed to talk.

Can I get some water, please?

Yeah, sure.

Fee -fi -fiddly -i -o.

Fee -fi -fiddly -i -o.

Well, what a pleasure it is to see all your shining...

faces today. Hello, Elliot.

Hello, Dennis.

Hello, you. I don't know your name, but here's a dollar.

You're in a good mood, Jack. Yeah, well, it's this diet. It's incredible.

By the way, today's choice for dessert is amaretto cheesecake or Kahlua

flourless fudge.

Fudge? But I thought I used all of today's chocolate points on my after

-breakfast ho -ho.

Technically, you did. Good eye. But because the fudge is flourless, We can

it towards your butter requirement.

The budget is.

I do realize it's just a matter of time before the man steps on a scale.

Oh, you mean the scale in his office, which I carefully recalibrate every

He's going to notice his pants aren't getting any looser. Unless the person

picks up his dry cleaning is careful enough to gradually let them out.

I didn't get a merit badge in sewing because I'm pretty.

Hey,

look at that.

It's Nina Van Horn two -timing Simon Leeds. Nice. I know. This morning a cab

driver called me a giant whore and I was so happy.

Vicki, recycling I see.

Yeah, well, I try.

Yeah, me too.

I think people should recycle everything.

Take your husband, for example.

I mean, for you he may be garbage, but somebody else might be able to do

something useful with him.

Okay. And I know that you're very anxious for him to move on, so you'd

be okay if I were to recycle Pete?

Oh, no, Maya, come on. Don't be embarrassed. I mean, Pete's a very sexy,

charming guy, you know? I mean, I would completely understand if you'd want to

be with him.

So you would be okay with me and Pete?

I'd kill you.

What? Yeah, I'd snap you like a carrot. But you see, I don't have to hurt you.

Because you had the decency to come to me first.

Yep, that's what I did.

You had sex.

What? How did you know? Maya, please, I know your cycle. Every 12 months, you

have sex.

Which reminds me, I have to set my clock.

Maya on her back, spring forward. Okay.

Hello, Simon.

I see you've ordered the silicone breast of chicken.

I suppose you have a good explanation for this.

Yes, yes, I wanted you to know what it feels like to have everybody think that

you're being cheated on.

For God's sake, Nina, that's so childish.

I'm doing this for work, not personal enjoyment.

You know, I could use some extra clippings for my press book, so maybe

photographer here could shoot off a couple of these.

Hey, stop that.

Why? It's just publicity.

Why don't we do it on the piano?

Okay, let me just drop off these unhearing.

Maybe. You're being ridiculous.

Oh, I'm so sorry that you feel that way, but you know something? You're going to

have to make a decision about what's more important to you.

Protecting my feelings or protecting your reputation is some middle -aged

robber who can't keep it in his pants.

Don't make me choose.

Hey, Pete.

Maya. Hey.

Hi.

Hi. We gotta talk.

Yeah, I like it when we talk.

No, no, no. This is hard for me.

We have to stop seeing each other.

Why?

I forgot.

No,

I can't. It's Vicky.

She said that if I started seeing you, she would kill me.

She said that?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Please don't think that last night wasn't incredibly special.

And I just feel like we have such a deep emotional connection. She still has

feelings for me, yes.

Huh? If she didn't have feelings for me, she wouldn't care who I slept with. I

mean, this is awesome up top.

All right, I gotta go to her now.

No, wait, wait, wait. She's gonna ask how you know that she has feelings for

you. She doesn't know anything about us.

I see where you're going with this.

I gotta tell her everything.

What? No more secrets, no more lies.

I mean, thanks for helping me out with this, Maya. You're so smart and sexy

and... You're like the perfect woman.

Gotta go.

Hey, I'm Frank.

I heard you like firemen.

Jack and the beanstalk. How about Jack is the beanstalk?

Thank you.

Hey, listen, Slim. I've been meaning to ask you something.

I need a raise.

There, I said it.

I recently made some bad investments dabbling in animal husbandry.

Long story short, I'm supporting two male alpacas.

Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, do you know why you need money?

Two males, Jack. No babies.

Because you lack discipline. You know, a week ago, I would have given you a

raise. Really?

Yes. But this diet has taught me the great pride that comes with self

-restraint. It has?

Yes. It's also taught me that you can lose weight eating s'mores. That pleat

mysteriously disappear from pants.

And that I can weigh ten pounds more at home than I do at the office.

I think Elliot's stealing computer paper.

Just so we understand each other, you're not getting a raise, and you better

start coming in here with healthier food.

Right, right. But seriously, what are we going to do about Elliot?

I thought you might like to see these.

They're the latest photos I approved for publication.

It's you and me the night we were arrested for indecent exposure.

Well, I'm a romantic.

Does this mean what I think it means?

Yes, darling.

If people are going to see pictures of... Me doing something lewd and

disgusting.

I want them to see me doing it to you.

I hear

your little diet scan blew up in your face.

Now it's worse than ever. Now he's exercising.

This morning he made me hold his feet while he did sit -ups. I had his stuff

changed in my pocket so I wouldn't be hurled across the room.

Cute. You are such a loser.

Hey, Elm McPherson called.

Oh, damn it. I forgot to feed her fish.

Hey, Finch.

Have you seen Vicki?

Uh, no.

Is everything all right? Yeah, I'm totally stressed out right now. I don't

you're stressed out. I just put your dad through his Pilates routine. I saw some

bad things, Maya.

Hey, girlfriend, I was just looking for you.

Pete told me what you did.

Look, I met him for a drink to tell him that you weren't going to talk to him,

and one thing led to another, and... And you told him to keep fighting for me.

I told him to keep fighting for you.

Well, he came to my apartment, and we talked for hours, and... Well, I

I still had feelings for him.

We're back together, Maya, and...

Well, your plan worked.

It did?

Oh, my gosh. I am awesome.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Pete.

Way to get back with Vicki up top.

Hey, we're going to go get some coffee. You want to join us?

No, I don't. You guys probably want to be alone.

And it's a good thing we talked before you made a move.

Otherwise, things might be pretty awkward right now.