Original subtitles

Hey. Saw you leave the party with Vicky last night, huh?

Yes, I did. It was incredible.

All right, you finally hooked up. I know what that's like.

Come here, baby. Your whiskers are so soft. Let's do a little cat scratch

Oh, yeah. Bat that mouse around. Kill it and bat it around.

We didn't sleep together.

We stayed up all night talking. We made a real connection.

She told me I'm a good listener.

Oh, great. Then you'll be able to hear this. You're a loser.

Oh, I get why you're being so hostile.

Because tonight, while I'm with Vicki making my final move, you're going to be

home alone, your broken dreams in your footsie pajamas.

It's an orthopedic jumpsuit.

He really cut you off at the knees. Yeah, now he's on top of my revenge

Congratulations, Justin Timberlake. You live to see another day.

Morning, Finch.

Nina. Okay. Hey.

Eyes a little puffy, hair a little tussled. Someone got a little last

Actually, I was out with Elliot.

Oh, sweetie, that's not something we brag about here. I'm not interested in

Elliot that way. We're buddies.

Oh.

Just buddies.

Not what Elliot thinks.

Well,

you know, as a friend, you could warn him and save him from a devastating

humiliation. Yes.

Let's get this thing going. Dad, I wish you would go home. You just had foot

surgery. You should be recuperating. I don't need to recuperate. I'm just going

to tough this thing out.

Dennis, what's wrong?

Your toe hurts.

It'll be fine.

Elliot, stop fidgeting. It hurts my toe.

Elliot, stop talking.

You're in agony.

How are you going to work?

I gave you some of my pain medication, but it would totally screw up my

night.

It's just going to get worse if you stay on it. All right. I'll go home. But I

want constant updates.

The old man's gone.

The old man's gone.

The old man's gone.

Wow.

So this is very cool.

My little sister. This has really hit the big time.

Yeah, it is pretty nice, huh?

What, you think you're better than me now?

Well, you're the little princess and I'm the big loser of the family. No, I

didn't say that. I'm just poking you itty -bitties.

Hey, who owns the Tom Petty's all?

I work here, so if you could just dial it down a little bit, okay?

This is Finch and Nina.

This is my sister, Rhonda Ferraro.

Well, there's string cheese.

You're a tasty little treat, aren't you?

Okay.

Yes, Lynn, your ribs are showing.

Oh, not all of them. I left two with the doctor in Mexico.

Anyways, I gotta get going.

You.

I'd like to roll you up and put you in my sock drawer.

So I'm sorry about my sister.

I wasn't scared. I wasn't.

She's in a really weird place right now. I mean, between you and me, she's had

some bad luck with men.

The ones buried beneath the house are starting to stink. I just really wish

could meet a nice guy.

Hey, do you think Elliot would be interested?

Oh, Nina, do you think Elliot would be interested?

In a firecracker like that? I mean, she's a little colorful.

Colorful? Oh, she's a rainbow.

I think it's a perfect match.

You're going out with Elliot tonight, right? Why don't you bring her along?

That's a great idea. I'm going to go tell him. No, no, I'll tell him. I'll

him. Why?

Why? I'll tell you why.

Oh, he's weird about set -ups? He's weird about set -ups. Oh, you're a good

friend. I'm the best.

Hey, dude.

See me talking to Vicki? I just got some info that's going to put you over the

top. Tell me.

You know, I would, but you wounded me deeply, and that is something I cannot

forgive.

I don't have much, sir, but I do have my pride. That is one thing that I can

hold on to. I have $11. All right, here's what's going on.

Vicki's going to bring her sister on your date tonight.

Why? Why? What, is she, like, testing me? Testing works.

Yeah, she's testing you.

Uh, you see...

She loves her sister and she really wants her approval.

Okay, so all I have to do is be nice to the sister and I'm in with Vicki.

No, buddy, you gotta be more than nice.

Woo the sister.

Play it like you're on a date with the sister. Yeah, I think this is great.

This is great. You know what?

You know, a lot of people think you're a devious bastard, but you're a good

friend.

Wait.

Wait, there's something I should tell you.

Her sister's really shy, so get her boozed up.

I've been relaxed around here since Jack left, or is that just the gin talking?

Could be the gin.

Could be the brandy you had before the gin.

Sprinkle. Bam!

What's this about?

Well, you're always taking swipes at me. I thought it was time to start firing

them back. Don't mess with me, Maya. I will eat you alive.

Then throw me up five minutes later?

Bam!

Hey, by the way, a guy named Andre is on his way up. Oh!

Andre Delacroix.

Masseuse to the stars. Having a session with him is like being touched by the

hands of God.

Except that God doesn't spend that much time on your thigh.

You're going to get a massage in the office? Jack would kill you. Yes, but

isn't here, is he?

Hello, everyone!

Oh, look!

Jack sent us a little video of himself.

I knew the old bastard was losing it.

I can hear you, Nina.

Vicki said that.

I can see you, too.

Dad, what are you doing? I'm going to supervise from home today.

One of my catalogs had all these great two -way conferencing gadgets.

Hi, I'm Andre. I'm looking for Nina Van Horn.

Who's that?

Uh, delivery man. He's delivering my purse.

It looks enormous.

Oh, you know what? They're all the rage in Milan, Jack. Big as in.

It's almost big enough to fit your makeup. Bounce, bounce. Count it!

Nina, what's going on? Nothing, nothing. You know, in fact, I don't think I

really want this purse. I mean, the only way I could make it work is to have an

enormous pair of shoes.

Anyway, here. Go on, delivery man. Just take that away.

All right. You seem to be under control.

Now, Dennis.

Yeah. Wheel me over to accounting. I want to chat up that new receptionist.

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. I don't want to seem too eager.

So, Mick Jagger turns to the woman and says, Tomorrow must have eaten it. He

jelly all over his face.

Jelly!

Awkward? No, I'm thrilled that you set this up. I can't tell you how great it

to meet Rhonda.

Is he for real?

Are you for real? Actually, that hurts a little.

Come on, Sally.

What do you want? Take you to the dance? Put you in a dress?

I know you'd like it.

Oh, boy.

She is great. This is fun.

Big fun.

I gotta tell you, you'd be in a really good sport here, Ali. That's me.

All right. I'm going to get some more drinks, okay?

I'm going to get some more.

Things are going great over there, buddy. Oh, dude, my nipples are swelling

like golf tees.

Still living as an animal. I don't know if I can take any more of this. Hey,

don't give up now. You're almost there.

I'll tell you what, I swear, when they leave here, Rhonda's going to tell Vicki

you're the greatest guy in the world. Just keep the charm going.

All right, great, great. Okay, here I go. Here I go.

Like a light bulb in a crew neck. Go, go.

All right.

Drinks for the lovely ladies.

Rhonda would like to apologize for, as she puts it, yanking your nips.

Apparently, I was emasculating you. I'm just saying that not every guy likes

that. Oh, so now you're going to embarrass me in front of your friends.

embarrassing you? You were trying to milk him.

Let's just cut to the chase.

What do you want from this thing, Elliot?

Well, um...

I've got to be honest.

I've dated a lot of women, but nothing serious for a long time. I mean, maybe I

haven't wanted to put myself out there, but I feel like I'm ready now because I

finally met someone special.

Thanks to you, I was stuck with Rhonda all night.

Well, you know, that's funny, because you wanted Vicky, but you wound up

I'm going to go straighten this out with Vicky right now.

Hey, hey, can I talk to you for a second? It's about Rhonda. Oh, no need

thank me. I saw how you two hit it off, and I'm thrilled. Yeah, about that, I

just... She has been with so many jerks, but to know that she's with a really

good guy, someone who's not going to lead a Rhonda and break her heart...

That means a lot to me. Well, naturally, I would never, ever want to hurt her.

Oh, I know, I know, because you're a sweet person.

And between you and me, when you said all that stuff about being ready for

something real, it was all I could do not to jump on you myself.

I mean, where am I ever going to find a guy like you?

Right here.

But I'm dating your sister.

Are you happy Vicky finally likes me and I'm stuck with her sister? Thanks to

you, my life sucks.

Buddy, I can't take all the credit. You had a pretty good head start.

If I dump Rhonda now, Vicky's going to hate me. So the only way out is for

Rhonda to dump me.

All right, man.

You need a guy to steal her away.

And I mean a ladies' man, a player.

All right? A real stud.

I'm flattered, boys, but I'm laid up.

Oh, thank you so much for rescheduling. I know how busy you are. Oh, no problem.

Here we go.

Whoa.

I was just preparing.

So was I.

Wait. Oh, good God.

Stop teasing me and lay those gigantic hands on me. I left my oils out at the

conference table. Well, do it without oils. We don't need those stupid oils.

Oh, it's much better with oil.

I'll get the oils. No, no, no, no, no.

I'll get the oils. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. My boss's big, giant,

-seeing head is out there being wheeled around. Well, you know what that's like.

First you put in the articles, then you put in the ads.

And where the hell is Nina? Is she back from lunch? I mean, where does she get

off taking a two -and -a -half -hour lunch?

And I bet she didn't do any of the things I asked her for.

What have you been up to, you old rascal?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to finish.

No, I want you to stay out here with Maya.

Hey, you looking for Elliot?

Yeah, Elliot. He's, uh, he's indisposed at the moment. Remember me?

Dee Finch.

What's the D stand for?

Dennis. As in, not if, but when it's.

Are you hitting on me?

What if I am?

I'm seeing your friend.

You fling behind your buddy's back just to get a little piece of something

-something? Yes, ma 'am.

Your place.

Eight o 'clock.

That works for me.

I don't care what works for you, you little gerbil.

I'm driving this train here, and you're just shoveling coal.

And if you don't keep it hot enough, I will dump your scrawny ass onto the

tracks like the worthless piece of garbage that you are.

I don't know if there's a heaven, but if there is, they're one angel short.

Nina, the bottom line is massages are inappropriate during the workday.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, when I got back to my office, Andre was

gone, and he's impossible to get.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yeah, you're right, Andre. It is better with the oils.

posture is horrendous and lay off the donuts. They're for everybody.

That's it. See you Monday.

Don't you dare!

I had this one put in during lunch. Pretty cool,

huh? No, it's incredibly invasive.

How would you like someone spying over your shoulder all day long watching your

every move? It's creepy!

It is creepy, isn't it?

some crazed big brother.

What am I doing?

I'm home for a day and I've lost my mind. I'm completely out of control.

You haven't lost your mind.

Hit the red button.

I just think you need to let go a little bit.

I know.

Maybe I just don't want people to get the idea that the office works fine

without me.

Oh, come on.

You know that that's not going to happen.

You're the heart of this magazine. We couldn't do it without you.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, give your old man a hug. Oh, God.

Come on. Give me a hug.

You know, this is actually kind of great because we never get to talk, you know,

just you and me. And, um, I know we've been through this before, but

why did you really leave mom?

Well, that's it. I'm taking off early. I can't remember the last time I was this

disappointed. When Roosevelt got elected, Teddy, booyah!

Maya, I don't like this color on you.

Oh, what, that I've started to stand up for myself?

No, dear, brown. You look like a frumpy raisinette.

That was unnecessary.

Oh, like the other half of your bed?

Order has been restored!

Gonda went off with Finch?

You must be crushed. What a horrible thing to have happen to you. Yeah, it

pretty rough.

So you up for margaritas?

Wait, aren't you upset?

Oh, oh, of course. I'm heartbroken. I just don't want to seem weak in front of

you. It's okay, Elliot.

I like a man who's not afraid to show emotion.

I like you so much.

Welcome to the jungle, baby. Hope you got your shots.

Nice couch.

Yeah, thanks.

Couldn't pull the other half out of the river.

So I'll set the mood with some tunes.

How'd that get in there?

Repeat after me.

I love myself.

I'm as tall as I feel.

Oh, there's a spanky groove.

Why don't you park it down here next to Daddy?

First off, I'm the Daddy.

Oh?

Well, Daddy, what do you want me to do?

I'll tell you what you're going to do, you little elf.

You're going to put on your apron, climb up your little tree, and bake me some

cookies. All right.

I'll put on my pointy hat and your little oven mitts.

Good. Then I'm going to crush those cookies and make you crawl around in the

crumbs.

Okay.

And then I'm going to put a little leash on you.

Because you're my dog.

What's that?

That's right.

Your new name is Rags.

Here, Rags. Here, boy.

Come and eat your little rubber pork chop.

Okay, I don't know if I want to be the dog.

Oh, are you going to get bad now?

Oh, I'm going to cuff you to the steam pipe and smack your ass with the Sunday

Times. Oh, bad book. Bad book.

Okay, that's it. I'm out. This is a bad plan.

What plan?

What plan?

The one where Elliot likes Vicki, your sister, and I'm supposed to take you off

his hands.

You lying little creep.

You don't deserve to be my dog.

Repeat after me.

I'm a special person.

I'm a special person.

Hey, thanks for going out with me.

Well, I care about you.

I might start crying again. But you like that in a man, right?

Less than less.

Come on, let's go.

There he is.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Rhonda, what happened?

Oh, I'll tell you what happened. This guy handed me off to his puny little

friend. What?

That's right.

So he could hit on you.

Is that true?

Well, it's complicated.

I mean, there are several underlying things.

I'm in a really bad place right now.

That's it. We're out of here. Wait, wait, wait.

I need to say something.

Listen, there's been some misunderstandings tonight, but I just

it all came from a good place.

Now, come on, Vicki, you're hot, you look easy, and Elliot wanted to get

All right?

Seriously. Now, sure, he may have manipulated the situation, lied a little

to get you into bed, but there was no disrespect.

Okay, so why don't you crazy kids put all this ugliness behind you and get it

on?

You both disgust me.

I know where you live.

Not after tomorrow, weirdo.

I don't get it.

Why does it have to be so hard to meet that special someone?

I don't know, brother.

I do not know.