All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 7x09 - The Thanksgiving Decoupling.720p.WEB-DL.en

- The math is all there. It's not real.
- Yes, it is.

Yeah... uh, look.

It is scientifically impossible
for a person to tip a cow.

Even you, with your stocky build and
lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.

It's horrible. Why would you push
a cow over? They're sacred.

Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat,
like, a million hamburgers.

Hey, an animal can be both
sacred and delicious.

Look, I'm telling you
I've done it, okay?

I clearly remember the cow standing
up and then the cow on its side.

Were you drunk?

I was 16 in Nebraska.
What do you think?

I think you're the one
who fell over.

That would explain why the sky
was also on its side.

- Hey.
- Howard. Cow tipping: real or not?

Mmm. I'm gonna say... not.

That's just based on me trying to
roll my mom over when she's snoring.

Speaking of that
big side of beef,

uh, she's invited all of you
to Thanksgiving at her house.

- Aw.
- Mmm.

You know, I've been told
that a bald refusal

of an invitation is rude and one must
instead offer up a polite excuse, so...

I'd love to go, but,
unfortunately, that sounds awful.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Uh, we were actually
gonna do it here.

Please? Bernadette's bringing her
dad 'cause her mom's out of town,

and I never have anything
to say to that guy.

Oh, since you put it that way, I'd love
to go, but that sounds even more awful.

It'd actually be nice to not hear Sheldon
complain about my cooking all day.

Yo... uh, excuse me,

but every year you prepare a terrible
meal and every year I criticize it.

Do our traditions
mean nothing to you?

- I want to go.
- Yeah, me, too.

- I'm in.
- Sheldon.

Ugh, fine, I'll go.

But if her food is delicious,
Thanksgiving is ruined, and it's on you.

♪ Our whole universe was
in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x09 ♪
The Thanksgiving Decoupling
Original Air Date on November 21, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Do we really have to go
to Mrs. Wolowitz's house?

We do.

And I expect you to be
on your best behavior.

Now I know how the
African slaves felt.

Being dragged from their homes to labor
under the yoke of the white man.

Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving
dinner at Wolowitz's mom's

with one of the greatest tragedies
in the history of mankind?

Yes.

Sheldon, you can have
a nice Thanksgiving anywhere.

I spent one in Vegas.

- You did?
- Yeah, back when I was dating Zack.

It was actually more
fun than I thought.

We gambled, we went to one of
those cheesy wedding chapels,

we had a really good
turkey dinner.

Which was surprising, since
we were at a strip club.

- Wait, you went to a chapel?
- Yeah. Why?

We had one of those
silly fake weddings.

Penny...

you know those are real, right?

No, they're not.

Yeah, they are.

No, they're not.

Yeah, they are.

- He's right.
- They're real.

But it... didn't seem real.

Let me ask you a question.

At any point, was Las
Vegas on its side?

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.

Oh, you brought beer
for everybody.

Uh, okay, yeah,
it's for everybody.

I really just wanted to have a nice,
quiet day at home and watch the game.

You can have a quiet day
and watch the game here.

Howard, the medicine's
not working!

You just took it. At least let
it reach your first stomach!

Hey, Mike.

- Let me help you out, there.
- Thanks. What's wrong with your mom?

Oh, her gout's flaring up.

Turns out an apple pie a day
does not keep the doctor away.

How can one little
toe hurt so bad?

Maybe because that little piggy
is being crushed by the barn!

She should quiet down soon. I gave her
enough pain meds to choke a... well, her.

- I guess we're gonna have to do all
the cooking. - I have a better idea.

If you think you're gonna make me do
all this by myself, you're crazy.

- I was gonna make Raj do it all by
himself. - Oh, well, that's a great idea.

No traffic, we're sailing.

Yes. Like we're on a ship.

Coming from Africa to America.

Sheldon, that's
completely inappropriate.

You can't keep comparing
yourself to a slave.

Yes, Miss Amy.

I can't believe you're
married to that idiot.

Ugh, would you stop? We
just did it as a goof.

Well, a goof or not,
you're actually married.

- You need to get this taken care of.
- I will.

Why are you making
this such a big deal?

Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason.

It could be because you
said yes to marrying Zack,

but every time Leonard's proposed,
he's gotten a resounding no.

Yeah, that's just
off the top of my head.

- So how do I undo this?
- I'm hoping you can get an annulment.

- It's just like it never happened.
- Great, well, what do I have to do?

It says here you can get an annulment if
any of the following conditions are met.

"Were you unable to
consummate the marriage?"

Penny? Next.

"Is there any evidence of fraud,
bigamy, want of understanding?"

"Want of understanding?"
What does that even mean?

Ding, ding, ding.
We have a winner.

- Thanks for saving the day.
- Ah, no problem.

It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without
an Indian providing the food.

Uh, now, where does your
mom keep the Crisco?

Um, I don't know. Probably
in a wad in her cheek.

I'll help Raj in here. Why don't
you go keep my dad company?

Oh, he doesn't want me in there.
I'm the creepy little guy

who has sex with his daughter.

- Don't be silly, he loves you.
- Does he?

- Okay, he cares about you a lot.
- Really?

I do crap for you all the time.
Get out there.

So your wife's in Arizona
with the grandkids?

Uh-huh.

You know, my mom's been to...
Arizona.

She rode one of those mules
down in the Grand Canyon.

Long story short,
they had to shoot it.

'Cause she's so fat.

I'll get the door while
you finish laughing.

Hey, guys.

- Happy Thanksgiving.
- It smells wonderful.

Is anyone slaving
away in the kitchen?

- Because I, too, know...
- Sheldon.

Here. Thank you for having us.

- What's with you?
- Oh, she's mad at me

because she just found out
she's married to Zack.

Really? That dumb-ass
she used to date?

That's hysterical.

I can't believe I felt bad
for opening this in the car.

- You need any help? - Uh, yeah, can you,
uh, reach that, uh, gravy boat up there?

- Uh, sure.
- Great. That makes one of you.

Okay, we have a lot to do
and not much time to do it.

Bernadette, you're on corn,
gravy and yam detail.

Amy, you're on
rolls, cranberries

and making sure Bernadette stays
away from the marshmallows.

That's right, I see you.

Okay, if you have any questions, I'll
be over here basting my ass off.

Focus is key.

Did you guys know Penny
married Zack three years ago?

- What?
- Wha...?

You ever play football?

A little in college.

- You?
- No.

But I did get tackled
in the hallway once.

The whole school cheered.

Hey, I found the, uh, court papers
that you and Zack need to fill out.

- I'll print them when we get home.
- Fine.

And we can just put this
whole thing behind us.

- Are you done?
- What?

Look, I get it, I screwed up. Is this all
we're gonna talk about the rest of the day?

Why are you mad at me? You're the
one that did the stupid thing.

- I'm just trying to fix it.
- Ugh! I need some air.

Well... Penny.

Now, I don't know the first thing about
women, but I would not follow her.

Listen to Stretch.

How am I the bad guy?

She's the one who married
someone else. I'm the victim.

Sounds like Zack's the victim.
You're sleeping with his wife.

I've kept my marriage
together for 35 years.

- Can I weigh in here?
- Sure.

I'm trying to watch the game.
Shut up.

Oh!

How do you not make
a first down there?

They passed against a nickel defense.
They should have run it off-tackle.

- How the hell do you know that?
- My father loved football.

He always made me watch it before
I was allowed to do my homework.

Well, you'll be happy to
know I just spoke to Zack

and he's willing to
sign the court papers.

He's on his way here now.

- Wait, you invited him here?
- Yeah.

I'm getting ready
to weigh in again.

Come on.

What do you think
they ought to do now?

I would throw a quick slant to a wideout,
given that the defense is showing blitz.

Oh, I love a good blitz,
especially with sour cream.

Get it? 'Cause it
sounds like "blintz."

Did someone say "blintz"?!

I just don't understand why
you invited him here today.

Because you wouldn't
shut up about it.

When I called him,
he had nothing to do,

- so I just thought it would...
- Hey, guys, I'm trying to cook in here.

- Oh, sorry. We'll keep it down.
- No, no, speak up.

I'm about to use the blender, and
I don't want to miss anything.

Well, you might have to cook for
one more because she invited Zack.

- What?
- Ooh!

My, my. The plot, like
my gravy, thickens.

I don't care for your
mother's bathroom.

There's not an angle to do one's business
without a clown figurine staring at you.

That's why I sit.

Yeah, that's why.

You remember the Thanksgiving
game when it snowed in Dallas?

1993-- Leon Lett blew the
game in the final seconds

and the Dolphins
emerged victorious.

Then I finally got
to do my calculus.

I was so pissed, I
wanted to shoot my TV.

So was my dad.

And then he did.

- Anyone need a beer?
- Yeah.

Thank God.

So, does your dad
still live in Texas?

No. He died when I was 14.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So was the man who owned
the local liquor store.

He cried and cried.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

So, if your dad died
when you were 14,

you were never old enough to
have a beer with the man.

No, sir.

He did try to give me one for
my high school graduation,

but I was 11 and my mom said no.

Well, you're having one with me.

All right.

To your dad.

I never had a beer
with my dad, either.

Do you mind? We're
having a moment here.

I can't believe Penny's
married to Zack.

Wonder what she saw
in that guy.

I don't know. He's sweet,
he's tall, handsome.

Broad shoulders, good hair.

Hmm. Wonder what she
sees in Leonard.

How's it going out there?

Sheldon and your dad are bonding
and completely ignoring me.

I know how you feel.

Sheldon ignored me for a week
when he got that Roomba vacuum.

I kick it when he's not looking.

What are they doing?

They're drinking beer
and watching football.

- So, why don't you do that with them?
- They don't want me.

What do you mean?

Well, Sheldon started talking about how his
dad isn't alive anymore, and they were

toasting, and I tried to tell them about
how sad I was when my dad abandoned...

Zack's here!

Stir the gravy.

Sorry. I really want to
hear how sad you are.

I'll be back in like
five, ten minutes.

Sorry she made you come
over here on a holiday.

It's all right. I didn't
have anything going on.

Plus, Penny told me we're married, and
Thanksgiving's a time to be with family.

Yeah, okay, great. Can we
just get this over with?

Yeah, uh, you guys have
to sign here and here.

On Monday, we'll file for the annulment,
and this "marriage" will be over.

Okay.

I don't know if I
want to sign it.

- Ooh. - Ooh.
- Ooh.

Why won't you sign it?

I just think splitting
up can be rough on kids.

- We don't have any kids.
- Are you sure?

'Cause you didn't know we were
married until this morning.

Okay, look, Zack, come on. You know
neither of us thought this was real.

I mean, we were married
by an Elvis impersonator.

Of course it was
an impersonator.

We could never
afford a real Elvis.

You married him instead of me?

Good call.

- Sign the papers.
- Hang on. You know what?

You have been a jerk
about this all day.

You always do this--
whenever I mess up,

you're right there to make
me feel even worse about it.

- That is not true.
- Yeah, we could've waited till Monday,

signed the papers, this
all would have been over.

You're the one who
invited him here.

Oh, there you go again-- just another
mistake you're throwing in my face.

Not cool, bro.

I'm starting to think you're not the
kind of guy I want dating my wife.

Yeah, well, she's not
gonna be your wife for long.

Oh, no. Are you dying?

I'm about to. Sign the paper.

Know what they say:
"Happy wife, happy life."

Let's eat.

Two, three, eight, four, six.

That's all I can do
without throwing up.

That is not what I expected when you
said you were gonna burp "pie."

Did somebody say "pie"?!

I don't know what's scarier:

the bathroom clowns or the
woman that put them there.

All I know is you can only
fit one of her in a car.

And there's the clown
that came out of her.

I really didn't want
to come here,

but this is shaping up to be one of the
best Thanksgivings I've had in a long time.

Me, too.

Hey. Howie says you've been
making fun of him all day!

Now, both of you
apologize right now!

She's so tiny.

It's funny when she's mad.

All right, mister, I think you owe
Howard and Bernadette an apology.

Perhaps you're right.

I'm sorry for my behavior.

I've had alcohol, and it's
caused me to be inappropriate.

- It's okay.
- Don't worry about it.

Thank you.

- Ain't she great?
- Mmm.

Sheldon.

Now, how's about you get
us a couple of beers?

Thanks again for cooking.

Yeah, everything was delicious.

Well, I couldn't have done it
without my two favorite girls.

Aw.

Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.

Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go
outside and throw around the old pigskin?

This is a Jewish house. I don't
think they have pigskin.

Did someone say pigskin?

Hey, honey, I'm
sorry about today.

And I promise, next time I get
married, it won't be a joke.

It'll be for love.

Or money.

I'm sorry, too.

Don't be.

It's my fault. I was
a terrible husband.

I was never around.

I know I'm hard on you,

but you're not the worst
son-in-law in the world.

Mike,

that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Well, I'm drunk.

I just vomited on
a lot of clowns.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther