All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 7x04 - The Raiders Minimization.720p.WEB-DL.en

So what'd you think?

It was good.

That's it?

"Good"?

I enjoyed it. When you told me I was
going to be "losing my virginity,"

I didn't think you meant showing me Raiders
of the Lost Ark for the first time.

My apologies. I chose
my words poorly.

I should have said you were about to
have your world rocked on my couch.

Anyway, thank you
for watching it.

It's one of my
all-time favorites.

It was very entertaining... despite
the glaring story problem.

Story problem?!

You-- oh, Amy...

What a dewy-eyed
moon-calf you are.

Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child
of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas,

two of the most gifted
filmmakers of our generation.

I've watched it 36 times,

except for the snake scene
and the face-melting scene,

which I can only watch when
it's still light out, but...

I defy you to find
a story problem.

Here's my jaw...

drop it.

All right.

Indiana Jones plays no role
in the outcome of the story.

If he weren't in the film, it
would turn out exactly the same.

Oh, I see your confusion.
You don't understand.

Indiana Jones was the one
in the hat with the whip.

No, I do, and if he
weren't in the movie,

the Nazis would have
still found the ark,

taken it to the island,
opened it up and all died...

just like they did.

Let me close that for ya.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x04 ♪
The Raiders Minimization
Original Air Date on October 10, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Hey!

Hi! I thought you went to the
comic book store on Wednesdays.

Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy
were having date night

and they don't need me
there to make it awkward.

They have each other for that.

- So, how was school?
- Oh, good. Check it out.

The Disappointing Child
by Beverly Hofstadter.

- You bought my mom's book?
- Yeah!

It's on the recommended reading
list for my psychology class.

Come on.
Not that book.

It-It's got, like, every horrible
story from my childhood in it.

Oh, cool. Are there pictures?

Seriously, please
find another book.

Oh, come on. Why? How
bad could it be?

There-There's chapters about potty
training, and bed-wetting and...

masturbation.

Basically, if something came
out of me, she wrote about it!

You know what? Do whatever you want,
just don't talk to me about it.

Not even the chapter on the
breast-feeding crisis?

It was not a crisis.

Apparently, I favored the left
one, she got a little lopsided.

Oh, my God, you still go left!

Which celebrity would you say
I look like the most?

Halle Berry.

Why?

Stuart and I are putting dating profiles
online, and it's one of the questions.

And thank you-- I'd kill for
that woman's bone structure.

Why are you reading
Pride and Prejudice?

I'll tell you why.

Amy ruined Raiders of
the Lost Ark for me,

so now I'm trying to find something
beloved to her and ruin that.

Because her life wasn't enough?

Wait...

how can, how can anyone
ruin Raiders? It's perfect.

Yeah, except for the fact

that Indiana Jones is completely
irrelevant to the story.

With or without him, the Nazis
find the ark, open it and die.

- Aw! - Aw!
- Aw!

Hey, wait a minute. No, the Nazis
were digging in the wrong place.

The only reason they got the ark
was because Indy found it first.

Actually, they were only digging in the
wrong place because Indy had the medallion.

Without him, they would have had the
medallion and dug in the right place.

- Aw! - Aw!
- Aw!

Okay, I know you don't
want to talk about it,

but can I just ask you one
question about your mom's book?

No.

I just want to know why a five-year-old
boy puts on his mom's makeup

and wears balloon boobies.

They weren't boobies,
they were muscles.

And the makeup was green. I was
pretending to be The Hulk.

- You were wearing her bra. - That was
to keep my muscles from sagging!

Can we please stop
talking about this?!

Okay, okay.

But you know,
as a student of psychology

who got a check-plus on her
first homework assignment...

I think, sometimes, it's good
to open up about these things.

Okay, fine.

Do you want to know why
I dressed like The Hulk?

Because I was always mad
at my mom

and I wanted to smash
my way out of that house.

- Well, why were you so angry?
- Gee, I don't know.

Maybe it's because I was always the
subject of her little experiments.

Did you get to the chapter where
she staged the Easter egg hunt

with no eggs to see how
long I'd keep looking?

The answer, by the way: June.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I
wish there was something

- I could do to make you feel better.
- I do, too, but there's not.

Really? Are you sure about that?

Of course, who am I to argue
with a check-plus student?

Mmm...

Just warning you-- I'm gonna go right.
Don't make a big deal out of it.

Is makeup really necessary?

Well, when someone looks
at your dating profile,

the first thing they see
is your picture.

I just want to make sure you
look fun and full of life

and not like a body they just
pulled out of the river.

All right, here we go, and...

smile.

Okay, uh-uh,
that one's in the bank.

How about this?

Turn away,
and then turn back into it.

But when you do, imagine the camera
is the girl you want to meet.

You got it.

Okay, uh, let's try it again.

Uh, but this time, pretend the girl you
want to meet doesn't want to hurt you.

I don't think
I can give you that.

Come on. One more time.

Yeah, it's, it's a little blurry, but
I think that works in your favor.

- Do you want a beer?
- Sure.

Hey, have you finished
writing your profile yet?

Almost.

Oh, what did you put as the
one-word description of yourself?

I put: unobjectionable.

But now that I hear it out loud, it
just seems like I'm being cocky.

What did you put
for your best feature?

My parents' money.

Uh, what did you put
for your best feature?

I put: not applicable.

Come on, dude, you're being
too hard on yourself.

You've got a lot of
good stuff going on.

Really? Like what?

Well, okay, you're a,
you're a talented artist,

you own your own business.

Neither of those things have
ever helped me meet a woman.

Okay, well, can we imply
that you're well-endowed?

I do have one oddly
long testicle.

Okay, now you're
talking like a winner!

Whatcha doin'?

Oh, it turns out Amy's beloved Pride and
Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece.

He's got too much pride, she's got
too much prejudice-- it just works.

So you're looking to ruin something
for her in the funny pages?

Amy has a fondness for
the comic strip Marmaduke.

Mm-hmm. And...?

And I think I've got it.
Consider:

a family possesses a
dog that is so large

and poorly disciplined, he
causes nothing but problems.

Why do they keep him?!

Maybe they fell in love with him
as a puppy

and didn't know how big
he was gonna be.

Of course.

You know, why couldn't she
just like Ziggy? Yeah?

That thing's riddled
with plot holes.

- Sorry, buddy.
- Ooh!

I think she's a fan
of Garfield as well.

Oh, darn it, now so am I.

I'll see you later. I gotta go watch
a stupid football game with Penny.

Wait-- hang on.

You've spent time with Amy.

Can you think of
anything she's fond of

that has a bunch of flaws
she hasn't noticed?

I gotta go.

- You ready to go?
- Yep.

Hey, and maybe this time you don't
try and talk sports with the guys.

Some sports bar.

It's like they never
even heard of Quidditch.

Do we really have to go?

Oh, come on. Every time we're about to hang
out with my friends, you don't want to.

It's like, "It's too loud," or
"the bathroom's too dirty,"

or "they put a chicken wing
in my ear..." I mean...

Well, you're-you're right.
Let's just go.

- Hey, what's going on with you?
- Nothing, I'm fine.

All right, hang on.

Is this still about
your mom's book?

No. Not everything
is about my mom.

'Cause if you're still upset
about that, we don't have to go.

Except this is totally
about my mom.

I'm so sorry. I never
should have read that book.

You know what? You want to just get
dinner and watch the game here?

- That sounds nice. Yeah.
- Okay.

Or, you know, we could get take-out and
watch the Blu-ray extended version

of The Hobbit movie
with commentary track.

On account of how sad
I am about my mom.

Leonard, you ready for lunch?

One sec!

Hey. Sorry.

- Hi, Penny.
- Hi.

All right, sweetie. You
hang in there today.

I'll try, but I might
be sad again tonight.

Okay.

Wow! Sex at work?!

Leave it alone.
That's my girlfriend.

- Sorry.
- Who just had sex with me at work!

Damn. How'd you
swing that?

Well, whenever I talk about
how awful my mom was,

Penny will do anything
to make me feel better.

- Seriously?
- Look, I mean...

I'm not proud of it,
but it does work.

I-I got her to watch a six-part
documentary on Monty Python.

Even I was bored, I just wanted to
see if she'd make it to the end.

- You sound kind of proud of it.
- I am; I'm really proud.

Yeah.

Hello, Sheldon. Is
everything okay?

Yes.

Why?

Well, the last time you made
an unscheduled video-chat,

there was a curly fry
in your regular fries

and you thought someone might
be trying to slip you a mickey.

April 13...

a dark night, indeed.

So what can I do for you?

I'm calling to invite you to a
spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.

- Really?
- Yes.

You were kind enough to watch
Raiders of the Lost Ark with me.

So I'd like to return the favor

by inviting you to watch an episode of
your favorite childhood television series,

Little House on the Prairie.

That sounds lovely.

Why are you rubbing
your hands together?

Um...

I'm putting on lotion.
Are you in or not?

- Of course I'm in.
- Excellent.

Then I shall see you tomorrow.

Good night, Dr. Fowler.

Good night, Dr. Cooper.

Good night, indeed.

What a rube.

Why would I put on lotion
when I have such soft hands?

You were really quiet during dinner.
Is everything okay?

Yeah. I guess I was just
thinking about my mom, and

how sad my childhood was.

Yeah, I bet it sucked. I'm gonna
take a bath; you do the dishes.

How about I take a bath with
you and see what happens.

Here's what's gonna happen:

I'm gonna take a bath, and
you're gonna do the dishes.

That's it? No compassion?

Aw, poor Howie. We good?
I'm gonna take a bath.

Bernie...

God, what is going on with you?

I'm sharing my pain.

And I'm not buying it.
Try again.

I'm learning to be
a man in a culture

where it's increasingly
difficult to know how...?

Strike two.

I'm copying Leonard. When
he does this to Penny,

they have sex and
watch Monty Python.

- Howard! I know.
- It was dumb, I shouldn't have done it.

And it's making me feel sad...

So sad.

You know, why don't you
take a bath? I'll do the dishes.

Three, two, one...

That's it.

Our dating profiles are
live on the Internet.

Attention all shoppers: my
business is open for business!

That's right, ladies.

For all you know, I'm confident
and fun to be around.

Oh, cool, it tells you when
someone's reading your profile.

"Jenny309."

I hope that's not her weight.

If it is, I'll...
I'll take her.

Good one.

Ooh, I got one, too.

The ladies are coming to us.

Oh, man, if I'd started
this years ago,

I'd be divorced two
or three times by now.

What...? Another one.

You know,
it... it's weird.

When they're reading
your profile, does it...

does it make you feel exposed?
Like they see you naked?

Well, they're not running
away screaming, so, no.

I love Little House.

It made me want to live on a farm
so much I tried to milk my cat.

That tangy bowl of Cheerios
was not worth the stitches.

Well, you sit back, relax and
enjoy a beloved childhood memory.

You see that cabin there?

I read they were illegally
squatting on Indian land.

Yeah. Personally, I think what we did
to the Native Americans was wrong,

but this is your
favorite show, not mine.

Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls,
eating that peanut butter sandwich.

Peanut butter?! Huh!

That's strange, since peanut butter
wasn't introduced until the early 1900s.

If I knew this show was about time travel,
I would have watched it much sooner.

You're trying to get back at me for what
I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.

That's silly.

Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a
telephone, since telephones only existed

in large cities at that time.

This is more like Little
House on the Preposterous.

Sheldon, we're
in a relationship.

When you get angry,
just tell me.

You don't need to seek revenge.

Are you sure?

Every time my dad
stayed out all night,

my mom would put hamster
poop in his chewing tobacco.

Well, that's not how
we're going to do it.

Fine.

I'm mad at you.

Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you
may have ruined the whole franchise.

Except for the fourth one, which was
bad before you got your mitts on it.

I-I shouldn't have said it.
I'm sorry.

Thank you.

- Do you feel better?
- Yes.

But not as good as
I'm going to when I tell you

that your precious Garfield has
no reason to hate Mondays.

He's a cat. He
doesn't have a job.

Hey, I was just--
what is happening?

Oh, just a little treat.

I know you've been feeling really
bad about your mom lately.

Oh, oh, I have. So bad.

And I wanted to make
you feel better,

so I planned something
very special for you.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. I can
already feel it working.

Hello, Leonard.

Mom?!

I understand you have been
whining about my parenting

in order to emotionally
manipulate your girlfriend.

I... uh...

Bernadette told me everything.

Now you don't get
the left or the right.

Let's discuss why you continue
to involve me in your sex life.

Oh, please, Mommy. No, Mommy.

When you were six years old, you
walked in on me and your father naked.

I was swatting his bottom with
your brand new Ping Pong paddle.

I didn't dream that?

How did that make you feel?

Penny, come back! I'm
sad for real now!

In the last two hours, 162
women have read our profiles.

How many of them have
sent us messages?

- Combined?
- Yes.

Zero.

Dude, this is...
this is brutal.

I don't think I've
ever felt so rejected.

And I had a rescue dog who
ran back to the pound.

This is the worst.

If we're gonna get shot down, we might as
well just go to a bar and do it old school.

And make them
look us in the eye.

Yeah, anything is
better than this.

Hello.

Not interested.

I was wrong.
This is worse.

Wait, wait-- if it wasn't
for Indiana Jones,

the ark would never have
ended up at the warehouse!

That's true!

He collected and delivered the ark to
the proper authorities for filing.

Like a hero!

- Yeah!
- Yes! - Right!

Although, technically, Indy was supposed
to take the ark to a museum to be studied.

He couldn't even get that done.

Aw...

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther