Original subtitles

Little orphan Sammy,

How'd you like to play?

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,

before you go away.

I'll always be your friend.

Just because I'm going away,

friendship doesn't end.

Little orphan Sammy,

innocence we plan.

Anything I can do,

you just ask it, Sam.

[indistinct]

I'll always be your friend.

Just because I'm leaving here,

friendship doesn't end.

I'll always be your friend.

Just because I'm going away,

friendship doesn't end.

Little orphan Sammy.

Little orphan Sammy.

Little orphan Sammy.

Little orphan Sammy.

- Rise and shine, Sammy.

- Oh, thank you.

-It's your last morning here with us.

- Leaping lizards, that's right.

The lady who adopted me is coming today.

Golly, I wonder what she's like.

[gong]

-It's time to awaken, Your Excellency.

Today is the day you adopted Little orphan Sammy.

- True, most certainly.

Of course, the plot

begins to unfold.

I wonder what he is like.

- Golly, Sammy.

Are we ever going to miss you?

- Oh, that goes double for me.

Don't be sad.

I'll come to visit you.

- Sammy, you're so sweet, but I won't be here.

I'm transferring to the Red Cross.

- That's super and very American of you to help folks

who can't help themselves to coffee and all the swell free donuts.

Wow. - Sammy,

you're so sweet and you're so kind, and you're so thoughtful.

Since I'll never see you again, would you?

- Oh, sure.

Leaping lizards, it's a pleasure to serve you.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.

I'm the nurse, Sammy.

Let me serve you.

- Oh.

- Golly, Randy.

We sure have made some great friends here at the orphanage.

[gong]

[barking]

- Gee-whiz.

[moaning]

- Oh, that's swell.

[moaning]

[gong]

- Drink my oils, my [indistinct]

And my apprentice.

We must get ready for the little innocent.

- Leaping lizards.

[groans]

- As you know, this is the day we have been waiting for.

This innocent little orphan will give us entry

to that filthy capitalist pig Daddy Sawbucks.

We would not have to go into the alternate plan if the [indistinct]

Had contained entire formula.

This is no press conference though.

Don, bring the rented limo around.

- Nuda, you will stay here and oil up your charm, so tonight,

when you dance before the Sultan, I mean the filthy capitalist pig,

you will melt him, no?

- Yes.

- You, Ms. Maid,

you will stay here and help Nuda.

You will spread her nubile and luscious body

with all my exotic oils and perfumes.

You will oil her well, you hot little wench.

Tonight we must be, how you say, slippery.

- While that young boy is in the house, you will please stop playing

with yourself.

We don't want to make him suspicious.

Yes? - No.

- Too

ridiculous.

No?

[gong rings]

- Hi Sammy, it's time for your last examination.

- Gee, doc, that's true.

- Shame you have to leave us.

We're going to miss you so much.

oh, golly.

I'll come back to visit you.

- Oh, but, darling, I won't be around.

I'm doing volunteer work for a birth control clinic.

- Oh, that's super and very American to help control those poor people

who keep having so many kids.

Golly, you'll save Uncle Sam a heap of welfare money.

- You're such a good boy.

Now stand up, dear.

Turn your head and cough.

- Oh, Sammy.

Since we'll probably never meet again.

- Gosh, doc,

you know I'd volunteer to do anything for you.

-[whistles]

[gong rings]

-[screams]

Oh, please.

Oh, please.

Oh, don't touch me.

Don't. Don't touch me.

Don't.

-[screams]

Oh.

[moans]

Oh, please sir. [moans]

Oh no.

Oh.

[spanking]

Oh fuck.

Oh. [moans]

Oh. -[groans]

[gong rings]

- Suck it.

Come here,

suckit

Suck.

Suck my cock.

Good.

That's right.

Go on.

God.

Suck it.

[sucking]

- Oh, Sammy, you're so good.

- Golly. - Oh, so kind, so hard.

- Oh, gee, doc, I just love your exercises.

I never knew keeping in tip-top shape could feel so good.

- Oh, yes, yes, yes, and the harder you try,

the better it gets.

Oh, that's right.

Try harder.

[moans] Oh, Sammy.

- Wow.

Sleeping lizards.

Golly.

Oh, gee.

[moans] Oh, gee whiz.

Oh, doc.

Oh, wow. Randy.

Wow.

Oh, Randy wow.

[moans]

oh, golly.

Oh. Oh, wow.

Oh, doc.

Doc what?

Oh, doc.

Oh Sammy.

Sammy, you make me feel so [indistinct].

- Golly doc,

I better be going but don't worry, I'll keep doing your exercises every day.

I think they're great.

It's the American way to stay in shape.

bye bye.

[trumpet sound]

[Randy whines]

- Living lizards, Randy.

We sure have made some swell friends.

Sometimes I wonder about our oldest and truest friend.

We don't want to forget him, do we? [Randy barks]

- Right.

[Randy whines]

-It's super that we've made such true blue friends.

Golly, they all like playing with me.

Come on.

- Come in, please.

- Come on, Randy.

- Oh, why?

There you are, dear boy.

I wanted to make sure that we had enough time to say goodbye.

- Living lizards, matron.

I wouldn't have left without saying a special goodbye to you.

- Oh, Sammy.

My little Sammy.

Let me look at you.

You're not so little anymore, are you?

You're such a big boy.

I can remember the time when you and Randy first came to us.

You were so small and lovable, clutching your little suitcase,

and now you're almost a man.

You were like a son to me,

and now I'm going to miss you so much.

- Oh, gee, matron.

- Oh, call me Marian, dear boy.

- Oh, gee.

Marian, don't cry.

I'll come to visit you.

Im afraid that's impossible, my darling.

I'm transferring to a home for the aged.

- Oh, that's super and very American of you to look

after old people.

They're so helpless, and they get ripped off so easily.

- Yes, but you're so good, Sammy.

Since we may never meet each other again,

would you?

- Oh, sure.

Leaping lizards, I'm always ready.

[soft moans]

[passionate moans]

- Oh, Sammy.

Oh, it's so good.

[moans]

Oh, Sammy, you've turned into such a beautiful,

hard man.

[moans]

Oh. - Oh, it's really nothing.

- Oh, no, it's really something.

It's something.

Oh.

We all love you, Sammy.

All of us.

Oh, Sammy.

[moans]

Oh, we all love you, Sammy.

[moans]

-It's so nice and very American to be able to help your friends,

ain't it, Randy?

It feels so good.

- Oh, just hold me a little bit longer, please, Sammy.

Oh, just a little bit longer.

Faster.

[passionate moans]

[moans]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

- Good golly.

- Oh, Sammy.

[passionate moans] - Oh.

[groans]

- Oh.

[moans]

Oh.

{groans}

[moans]

[groans]

[gong rings]

- Golly, Randy.

I don't want to sound selfish,

but I hope that's the last goodbye.

Saying goodbye can be exhausting sometimes.

Besides, that nice lady who's adopted us will be here before you can say,

Jack Robinson.

- Jack Robinson.

- Randy.

[whistles]

- This must be our date now.

Yes.

Da.

Open the door for the American dream.

- Da-do.

- Do-da.

- Da-do.

- Do-do.

- Golly.

You must be the nice lady that's going to adopt us.

- Well, darling boy.

You must be mine, Sammy, yes?

You will get in.

Free.

- Oh, leaping lizards, sure.

Golly, you're beautiful, but you talk funny.

- I went to Bryn Mawr.

- Oh. - Hold on.

- Wow.

Golly.

Leaping lizards.

Randy, this sure is a neat room, huh?

Oh, golly, miss.

I could have carried that for you.

You didn't have to.

I like to help people.

-It's okay.

I don't want you to strain yourself or anything.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Anything at all?

Maybe a rub?

Help you relax a little? - Oh, gee, no, ma'am.

I can unpack it all myself.

Is there something I can do for you?

- Since you asked.

- Oh.

- Miss May.

I got to go.

Maybe some other time, huh?

- Sure, any time, ma'am.

Randy, come here, Randy.

Gee, Randy.

These folks are peculiar.

I guess that's what makes life so interesting

and America so great.

All different kinds all living together.

The big and the small.

The red and the black.

The bad and the beautiful.

The naked and the dead.

There are some that stand shoulders and head above everyone else.

Such a man as Daddy Sawbucks.

I wonder where he is and how he is.

Will our trails cross again?

Oh, well, wherever he is, he loves us.

He's doing the best he can for his country.

So are we.

- Oh, beautiful.

Oh, spacious skies.

You getting all that, Miss Take?

- Of course, Mr. Sawbucks.

- Good.

As I was saying.

As I was saying.

- Oh, you were saying,

what a dump.

- Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

What a dump.

What other nation could produce such a dump?

Such vast, unequaled volumes.

Such magnificent debris.

Such dirty amounts of--

Garbage?

Garbage?

Garbage, Miss Take.

Good, old American garbage, pens, glass, papers,

sanitary napkins.

Oh.

Oh, great heaps.

Oh, magnificent debris.

Oh, the filthy, incredible waste of the great old US of A, Poonjah.

No, no Poonjah.

It may reek but it is worth.

It's worth-- - Your entire fortune, sir?

- That's right.

Billions.

I've spent every cent of my self-made fortune

buying up every scrap of garbage in this great and good nation.

Do you know what that means?

From sea

to shining sea.

It's all mine.

I've cornered the market on garbage, 13 million acres.

-12.8, sir.

-12.8 million acres

and do you know why,

my silent friend?

- Since Poonjah took a solemn oath in a Trappist Monastery where she grew

to womanhood to remain forever silent until she should find her long,

lost brother it seems somewhat rhetorical to ask her questions.

- It seems to me, Miss Take, that her oath of silence

might well be followed by others.

Now,

as I was saying.

What was I saying, Miss Take?

[sound recording] 13 million acres.

-12.8, sir.

-12.8 million acres and do you know why,

my silent friend?

Right.

Because some little dark race is squatting out there on some sand dunes

thinking they've got this great nation by the old-

- Testicles.

--Balls.

- Testicles. - Balls.

Good, old American balls.

[chuckles]

No bunch of faggots running in bed sheets is going to squeeze our corporate balls.

No.

I'm going to take this good American garbage

and turn it into oil.

Oil, brother.

[chuckles]

How's that for good, old American know-how?

Are you getting all this down, Miss Take?

I don't want that committee calling me shifty when they subpoena

those tapes. - Except for the 18-minute gap,

which you ordered, sir, everything else is perfectly clear.

- We're going to keep it that way.

Poonjah, we're going to let those fellows keep that black muck.

Let them choke on it.

This great nation is going to have all the energy it needs from this,

from all of this.

Everything will be

as it should be except I wonder where he is,

my Little Orphan Sammy,

and how he is and if he is.

Will he come back to me?

Will our trails ever cross again?

Oh, well,

wherever he is,

he loves me.

[phone rings]

-[clears throat]

Capitalist International Associates, Daddy Sawbucks division.

Good afternoon. May I help you?

Oh, yes.

I see.

Mr. Sawbucks, it's for you.

A lady.

-L've got no time for bimbos.

You know that, Miss Take.

- Yes, sir,

but sir, she says she's adopted Little Orphan Sammy.

[trumpet] - Jumping germs.

At last, my Sammy.

What'? Oh shit.

- I beg your pardon.

- No, I beg yours.

- Sorry, I begged yours first.

- True but it was I who said, "Oh shit."

- I beg your pardon.

- No, I beg.

Oh dutty.

I understand you adopted Little Orphan Sammy.

- That is correct.

- That, huh?

- That's what I said.

- That's what I thought you said.

You talk funny.

- I went to Bryn Mawr.

- Oh, fine school.

A little radical but in the great tradition.

Thank you for calling. - Wait a minute.

- I beg your pardon. - Let's not start that again.

I have adopted Little Orphan Sammy.

I have him here in mine house and I know he would love to see you.

- That's terrific.

You must bring Little Orphan Sammy over to mine house tonight.

I'll show you how grateful I can be.

-L'm sure you will.

- What was that? - I said,

we most certainly will.

- Good. You bring the wine.

Fool

impotent, capitalist tool.

He has spent billions devising a formula to turn waste into petrochemicals.

Imagine,

garbage into oil but tonight, we will pull the capitalist pig's pork,

so to speak,

and lwill find where the secret tapes are hidden.

Then when I have them in my greedy but beautiful hands the world

will pay me billions, billions, billions, billions, billions.

Oh.

oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, billions.

[gong rings]

-1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,

11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,

19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25,

26, 27, 28, 29, 30.

[Pants]

- Oh, [indistinct].

I just love [indistinct].

- At last, Little Orphan Sammy is back.

- How wonderful for you, sir.

- How jumping germs?

I want to give that kid the world, garbage,

a whole world of garbage.

- He'll be so proud of you, sir.

- Damn right.

Excuse me, I got carried away.

- Would you like me to delete that expletive, sir?

- Yes, ma'am.

I don't want them to get the wrong impression.

I want to bring Little Orphan Sammy out here to see

all of this.

We'll make a surprise party.

How's my schedule for time, Miss Take?

- Oh, you have an hour free next month, sir,

on a Thursday. - How did that happen?

- Your hairstylist is going on vacation, sir.

- Oh.

- Oh, sir.

May I remind you of the time?

- Jumping germs.

Rev up the engine, Poonjah.

We're going to go home to see Little Orphan Sammy.

Hey, listen.

You two, I want you to keep your eyes on that lady

who adopted Little Orphan Sammy.

She might have learned to talk that way at Bryn Mawr but huh,

I smell a [spits].

Oh shit.

- Randy, that's how I met Daddy Sawbucks and a better example of good,

old Yankee common sense you'll never run across.

- Oh.

- I think it's time for my milk, Randy.

Oh, come on.

[laser sounds]

[moaning]

[lip smack]

- Leaping lizards, Randy.

That lady, golly, she must be attacking Ma Bell Telephone Company.

Hey, you can't,

you mustn't mess with Ma Bell's linemen like that.

They have to get theirjobs done quickly and efficiently.

Ma'am?

- Sammy, don't leave me.

- Why didn't you ask?

I'm always obliging

but you can't expect to go around blowing American labor on theirjob.

- Thanks, Mac.

Anytime.

Anything for Ma Bell.

[lip smack]

[dog whines]

[gong rings]

- Tonight, my little noodle from Bermuda, you will warm up Sawbucks, no?

Then I will finish him off if you know what I mean.

Da?

Yourjob is to crack the icy exterior of his stupid secretary.

We must get the formula, no matter what it costs.

- Da, too.

- Hey, what about me, man?

I got to get a little.

- I must hold you in reserve in the absurd case I might fail,

which is impossible.

Ridiculous, no?

- Yes, I mean,

how long are you going to make me wait?

I got an itch.

I got to get it off.

- Oh, all right.

You Latins are so impatient.

While we wait,

you may do a little da.

- Do, da.

- Da, do.

- Do, da.

Do.

[moans] Mm, he talks.

Oh.

[moaning]

[heavy breathing]

[soft moans]

[moaning]

[heavy breathing]

[moans]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[groaning]

[gong rings]

- Daddy.

- Sammy.

- Golly. - Shucks.

- Sleeping lizards.

- Jumping germs.

- Gee whiz.

- Oh, Jiminy Crickets.

- Golly, it's good to see you. - You bet.

- Oh,

Daddy. - Yes.

Oh, Sammy.

- Enough of this.

I am famished.

- Come,

come, one and all and share my humble table and break bread with me.

- And after, we will show our appreciation with,

how you say, dance of the belly.

[whistling]

- You like, Big Daddy?

- What?

Oh, I can take it or leave it.

Actually, I prefer the foxtrot myself.

- I am meaning the flesh.

The oily vase of flesh on Juliet.

- On what?

- Juliet?

- Getting all this mistake?

Get it. - Got it.

- Good.

- Stop. - Stopped.

- You must do this mistake.

Big Daddy will be hard nuts to crush.

- Da do.

Ms. T?

- Yes, sir?

- You're not wearing your glasses tonight.

I never noticed before.

- Noticed what, sir?

- Like you're beautiful.

- Yes, sir, I know.

- Punja.

Listen, silent one.

I smell a rotten shish kebab.

I want you to keep your eye on that oily belly dancer.

You know where oil comes from, don't you?

-It's just so super being here, Randy.

Folks are so nice.

We've made such good friends,

and now they're becoming Daddy's friends, too.

Golly.

Can you imagine if we could all go see a Johnnie movie together?

- How about the last tango?

- Sleeping lizards, Randy.

I think we should have had ought to go to bed.

Good night, folks.

I got to get my eight hours.

Come on, Randy.

- Dah.

- I beg your pardon. - You know,

Randy,

they're peculiar here, too.

- Dah.

- Dah.

Yes, of course.

Oh, I do love a man who knows his own mind.

Tell me, Dah, isn't there something you wanted

to ask me?

- Dah.

- Dah?

Your vocabulary is rather limited, but your meaning is quite clear.

Shall we?

- Dah do.

-L'm sure.

- Fantastic.

You American men.

Oh. -lt's nothing, really.

- Oh, it is something, really.

- No, really, it's nothing.

- Yes, really, it's something.

- I mean, it is really nothing.

- Really something.

- Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh.

- Nah.

- Yes.

- Gee, Randy,

what a great day it's been. fihundefl

I ve got a feeling you want something from me.

What is it?

- Do da do.

- Oh, yes, it is something. - No, no, no,

really, it's nothing. - Oh, yes.

Yes, it is something. - Well, perhaps to a chipmunk.

- Oh, these chipmunks.

Oh, it is something.

- Let them fall where they may.

- Believe me, lady, it's nothing.

- Oh, believe me,

oh, it is something.

-It's hardly worth the climb.

- Oh, it is something.

I know. - Oh,

are you in for a surprise.

- Are you sure there isn't something you wanted from me?

Hmm?

You can't think of anything you wanted to tell me?

[moaning]

- Golly Randy, wouldn't it be great if Daddy

could get it together?

What do you think?

- Yes, me too.

Fihundefl

- Dah, please don't be afraid to tell me.

You can tell me anything.

Anything-

[moaning]

- Dah, what does da mean?

[moaning]

- I tell you, it is something.

Im telling you, it's definitely nothing.

- He is right.

It is nothing.

- What Punja do for Nuda?

Nuda got to get off.

[slapping sound]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[clapping sound]

- Oh, what?

[chuckles]

[moaning] Oh, oh,

Oh. [chuckles]

- I could have sworn there was something you wanted from me.

[soft moans]

[moaning]

Are you sure there isn't something you wanted from me?

[moaning]

[moaning]

That, my good woman, I can't be seduced

and any man who can't be seduced is capable

of unlimited productivity.

How's that for know-how'?

Good old American, get up and go.

- It does not go far,

but there must be something you, shall we say, fuck?

No? - Nothing,

you evil woman, you.

- Do not say nothing,

and I think I know what your little perversion might be.

[laughter]

[clapping sound]

Wait,

where did you get that unusual tattoo?

It's just like Poonja's.

Noodle-like Poonja better than that.

- Oh, oh God,

money,

I've been found out.

Money, money, oh, I got to get off.

- It is always the money that makes them scram.

- Oh, I've always had a game for filthy lucre.

- Big Daddy is no exception.

- L've never had a sandbox.

- It is ridiculous.

Yes,

oh, now it's my turn, you capitalist pork.

[laughter]

[moaning]

[whistling]

- I want to cover you with it, I want to cover you all over with it.

Your tits,

your tum, your tush, your twat, your thighs,

your toes.

Oh, I want to cover you all over with it, with its sexiness,

with its beautifulness, with its powerfulness,

with its moneyness.

- No, you don't, Daddy Starbucks.

Who do you think I am?

You must give me what I want.

- Anything, anything, I have everything, anything.

I want to cover you with its beautifulness,

with its powerfulness,

with its sexiness, with its moneyness.

- Oh, shut up.

You must give me the formula, the formula that turns garbage into oil.

- Anything. - Anything?

- Anything but that.

- Then you shall never touch me with your dirty money.

- Oh.

Golly.

Randy, ljust had this bad dream.

Our country is threatened by something really awful.

You had it too, huh?

- All right, all right.

You win.

What difference does garbage make

when a guy's got to get off?

- There, there is the formula, capitalist pork.

- The American pork.

It's in the American gold.

[laughter]

[moans]

- Give the formula.

- Oh, fuck the formula.

- I do.

[moans]

- Oh, no. Leaping lizards, Randy.

I was right.

[moans]

It's unpatriotic to walk on the faces of our presidents.

Oh.

[moans]

- There's money all over the floor.

Something terrible must have happened.

- That's queer.

A $3 bill?

- Sammy, what are you doing here?

You should be in bed like all good American boys.

- Not when my country is being threatened.

- Who is doing that?

Im afraid,

Golly, finding that trail of money and all it leads straight to you

and leaping lizards.

You're covered with it.

That ain't the American way.

I guess you must be doing something awful wrong.

You got no respect for the President's faces.

- How do you know this, my Sammy?

- Because,

Golly.

You got money sticking out of your ass.

I'm sorry, but, leaping lizards--

- I got to turn you in.

- Oh, please, my Sammy.

Oh, be a good boy.

I know I have done the wrong thing.

Since we will never meet again, would you?

Could you?

- Gosh, ma'am.

Sure, it's the American way to help your enemies when they're down.

I'd do this for anybody.

- Oh, Sammy.

Oh, you are so--

Oh, I can't begin to tell you.

Oh, my God.

I think I'm in love.

- I think I'm in--

[passionate moans]

- The importance of the hydroxyl manner, going through

and replacing the negative ions, will eventually break down

the atom and fission of the matter and turn garbage into oil.

It will take a long time

and often make you jump.

- Oh, Sammy.

You are not so small.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, yes.

- Golly, I sure am glad to help, ma'am.

Isn't it great that the good old American way

can feel so good?

- Oh.

Oh, yes, Sammy.

[passionate moans]

- Good boy, Sammy.

You nailed her.

- Leaping lizards.

- Oh, you bet.

I'll never be the same again.

Oh, my God.

I lost my accent.

- Nobody can resist a good old American way.

- Once America fucks you, you're fucked.

- Oh, no one can resist America.

No one can resist you, Sammy,

my little American dream.

- What's more important,

now you're a real American.

- Punja, Punja, look what I found.

His tattoo.

It's just like yours.

"Are you?

- Dah.

- My long-lost brother.

- Sis. - Dah.

- Dah. - Dah.

- Dah.

- Oh, don't knock it.

A happy ending is the American way.

Thank you.

Oh, Sammy.

Oh, my Sammy.

[passionate moans]

Oh, is it?

Oh, no.

Oh, it's never been like this before.

Oh, not with anyone.

Oh.

oh.

Ever

- Golly, ma'am.

That goes double for me.

Oh, I just want you to know, I only work here.

A guy's got to make a buck, right?

It's a rat race, you know.

It's the American way.

I'm not complaining.

What the hell?

I'm getting a hell of a lot of overtime.

- Wake up, America.

This is big old Daddy Sawbucks talking to you.

We got to shape up.

We can't let old Glory down.

I'm sure that all of you people sitting out there in those dark theaters

will agree with little Orphan Sammy

that the American way is the best way.

- Oh, yes, Big Daddy.

I agree.

I agree.

Oh.

- Leaping lizards.

Yes.

- The family that plays together stays together.

Oh, they do.

[delirious laughter]