All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S06E04.Boyd.Will.Be.Boyd.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb

(All groaning)

Dad, you make the best ribs on the planet.

Thank you, baby. My secret is whiskey.

When I'm cooking, I drink a lot of whiskey.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can never enjoy
feasting on the flesh

of a creature as intelligent as a pig.

Pigs aren't that smart.

Only one in three knows how
to build a house out of bricks.

Still, I'll stick to
Mike's delicious greens.

Which I cook in bacon grease.

Ah, hey, thanks again for letting us have

Boyd's birthday party here next weekend.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

Hey, I even made goody bags.

In fact, they came out so good, one
might even call them "great-y" bags.

Why didn't I go away to college?

Your mom went to college, and
she still says stuff like that.

Yeah, we wanted to have
the party at out place,

but the yard's not big
enough for the bouncy house.

Bouncy castle.

Boyd, we've talked about this.

I'm not comfortable with bouncy castle.

It glorifies an oppressive class system,

so if you want to bounce, you're gonna
have to do it in a sensible house.

You know, Ryan, there's a point
when even Karl Marx would slap you.

Yeah, I still can't believe everyone

is burying the headline
about Boyd's birthday.

Right, right. You know, there just
might be an appearance by Vaness-o.

The clean-up-can-be-fun
clown.

Uh, that's not a headline, Mom.

That's a nightmare.

Look, it's a Baxter family tradition

that on your 10th birthday,
you get a rifle and go hunting.

Really? Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I'm sorry, what?

A gun? Hunting? No. Absolutely not.

Well, Vaness-o, do you want
to clean up this little mess?

Look, I don't want Boyd
thinking that violence is fun.

Now I'm gonna go outside
and figure out where to hang

the Donald Trump piñata.

You said you were gonna say
something to him about this.

Yeah, well, I was.

But then I realized, I don't really like
arguing with Ryan and you do, so tag.

You're it.

It's getting harder and harder to put
weapons in the hands of children.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addicted.com

I'm not changing my mind, Mike.

Boyd's not going hunting.

Look, I was gonna talk to you about this.

I just wanted to find the right time,
but... I don't like talking to you.

Great, 'cause there's
nothing to talk about.

Actually, there is.

Getting a gun on your 10th birthday
is a Baxter family tradition.

Yeah, okay. Let me see.

It all started way back with your
great-great grandfather Jebediah Baxter,

who by the age of 10, had hunted

everything in the forest that could
walk, crawl, or sing a song.

Actually, his name was
Bill, and he made soap.

All of the girls got guns
on their 10th birthday,

even Mandy, once I found
a gun that matched her top.

Hey, guys. There's pie.

Everybody here is pro-pie, right?

You're dad is trying to
convince me to arm our son.

This is why I don't like talking to you.

Sweetie, "arming" is
kind of a strong word for

going on a fun hunting
trip with your grandpa.

Wait. What? Sorry. You're okay with this?

Some of my best childhood
memories are hunting with my dad.

You bond, learn patience,
respect for nature.

Okay, but why does it have
to end with a dead animal?

Because that's the fun part.

And it's a tradition.

It always made me feel really special.

I am so sick of these
Baxter family traditions.

Can't we just have totally new traditions?

Maybe you should look up
the definition of tradition.

Look, you can make the call on this one,

and I really don't like
arguing with my dad, so tag.

You're it.

Great, you are not taking
my sweet, innocent son

into the woods to slaughter an animal.

If you tell him he can't go hunting,

he's gonna know it was fun, then he'll
resent you for not letting him go.

That's ridiculous.

No, no! Like he would if
he wanted to take ballet.

You say no to that, he'll probably
wear a tutu the rest of his life.

He's already taking ballet lessons.

Dear God, let him hunt!

(Laughs) Wow!

Kyle, you've been watching me do this

for the last 20 minutes,
and you keep saying, "Wow."

Yeah, because it keeps working!

Hey, Mom. Yeah?

Um, will you wrap Boyd's gift for me.

Hey, wait till you see
what your mom can do.

Wow!

Mandy. Yeah?

You're giving your 10-year-old
nephew a deviled egg platter?

No, I'm giving him a flying saucer!

Whooo!

With sleeping pods for 12 aliens.

You don't want to give Boyd
something from your shower.

Uh, yes I do. I just don't want to wrap it.

So, uh, did you and your dad pick out
a song to dance to at the wedding?

No, Mom. Ixnay on the
father-daughter dance...

Nay.

Okay, what? And why?

Because that leads to talking
about the mother-son dance,

and Kyle doesn't have a mom, Mom.

Try to be sensitive.

You are so sweet, Mandy.

But it's okay. I mean, I have a mom.

I just don't know where she is.

It's fine. It's like, um...
like "Where's Waldo," you know?

Yeah, but except Waldo's my
mom, and Waldo is hammered.

Kyle, you should get some
time in the spotlight, too.

I mean, I'd be happy to dance with you.

Oh, that...
No, that's okay.

What? Are you afraid
I might out-dance you?

Mmm, no.

He's not. No one is.

Come on.

Come on, Kyle. You deserve this.

You can pick any dance you want.

Come on, you can't say no.

(Sighs) Well, okay, but only if
we can do the Argentinean Tango.

Okay. Uh, I'm game. Is it hard?

Well, if you don't know how to do it,

I mean, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no. No, no.

I got this, all right.

I learned the chicken dance
in, like, three days, so...

Any chance you want to do
the chicken dance instead?

Oh, boy.

I think this is my favorite
part of the birthday party...

when all your friends are gone.

(Gasps) What is it?

It is a deviled egg tray.

It's for eggs that are evil.

- Cool!
- Yeah.

I'm gonna open the big one now.

Whoa! It's a gun!

Oh, my God!

Mike, what were you thinking?

I didn't get him that. I
thought our gift was the yard.

Eve, what were you thinking?

I wouldn't give him that baby gun.

I'd give him a
good-old 12-gauge.

You know, something he can grow into.

It's from me.

Ryan, you gave Boyd the shotgun?

Yes, I did.

Wow! You spent 10 years
setting up that surprise.

What other surprise do you have?

A "Make America Great Again"
hat filled with pork chops?

Honey, did, uh... did
you know about this?

Yes, but he asked me to keep it a secret,

like that time he told me he
thought Sarah Palin was pretty.

Shh. Thanks, Dad.

Your welcome, buddy. Happy birthday.

Wow. Today, a boy in
our family became a man.

Congratulations, Ryan.

(Chuckles)

Oh, put it down, put it down, put it down.

No. Hey, hey.

You can't touch that until you take
the gun safety class at Outdoor Man.

Where we sell this gun for
a whole bunch less than this.

All right. Well, let's start cleaning up.

Pass.

Okay, well, do it with
me, or do it with Vaness-o.

Okay, Boyd. Let's help.

You did good, honey.

Yeah, you really did.

Uh... sorry. I didn't mean
that to sound so surprised.

(Chuckles)

What are you up to?

Nothing. I realized you were right.

See, if I don't let Boyd hunt,

it's always gonna be the thing
he wants to do most in his life.

This way, I let him go,
I even get him the gun,

and for once, I'm not the bad guy.

But you're so good at it.

There may be a flaw in your little plan.

You don't want the kid to go hunting.

Oh, he won't.

See, he likes the idea of
hunting, but once there's

an actual living animal in front of him,

he's not gonna be able to pull the trigger.

100 years of Baxter
tradition says you're wrong.

He's not gonna hunt, Mike.

Well, I say he will.

And we'll figure out who's the winner

when we're cooking up
that pheasant he and I bag.

Oh, no. I am going with you

'cause I cannot wait to
see that look on your face

when he ends the Baxter tradition of
blowing holes in living creatures.

All right, all right. Even better.

That way, we won't be just bagging a bird,

we'll be shooting down
your hopes and dreams,

and that's what I will
be having for dinner.

Here we go.

Thank you so much for the dance lesson, Ed.

Am I your first student?

(Chuckling) Oh, no.

I once taught a Russian bear how to dance...
against it's will.

Well, I will try to "bear"
with you without "Russian" it.

I still have Mishka's muzzle, so
don't make me use it, all right?

I brought my music.

Your music means nothing to me, all right?

We start with fundamentals.

Oh, but I just need to learn...

(Whistles) Mnh-mnh.

Feet move, lips do not.

We begin.

Square up. That's it.

Slide your foot, just step.

No.

All right, turn your hips just slightly.

No.

Am I getting it?

(Chuckles) No.

Look, let's try, perhaps,
a little movement.

Oh, yeah, yeah. A little movement.

Simple box step.

Oh, I can do simple. Okay,
yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Box step, all right.

Ready, and one and ow!

One and... (Groans)

And three and aah!

Okay.

For the love of God, woman!

Am I that bad?

Not only can I not help
you, I may never dance again.

If I can't do the simple stuff,

how am I ever gonna learn
the Argentinean Tango?

(Gasps) The Argentinean Tango?!

That's the most complicated
dance in the world.

(Sighs)

People have gone mad trying to learn it.

Why would Kyle give me a
dance he knows I can't learn?

Just a guess, maybe he really
didn't want to dance with you.

He could've just said "No" when I offered.

He just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

You know, he's like that.

But I'm not.

You are the worst dancer I have ever seen.

No, I... Be
gone, woman!

Please. Please.

This is called flushing out the bird.

Stay alert. They could
fly up at any minute.

But it's not safe to shoot until
I only see blue sky behind it.

You were paying attention
during all of those courses.

That's great because you'll probably
be hunting for the rest of your life.

Or gathering 'cause that's
also a lifetime of fun.

Hunters also gather.
It's called a barbecue.

Hey, Boyd. Do you know the male pheasant
has a big role in raising the babies.

That means it's like the bird
version of me, you, and Mom.

The bird version of you is you.

Do you see something, Grandpa?

Now, pheasant have very keen hearing.

They heard us walking, but they
get real nervous when we stop.

This is when they like to flush.

You see, they get nervous because
they have an array of emotions.

(Fluttering)

He's coming up. He's coming up.

It's a living creature.

Track the bird, track
the bird. Track the bird.

Connect with its spirit.

(Sighs)

I can't.

I'm sorry, Grandpa.

That's okay. That's just fine.

Don't worry about it. Yes!

I knew it.

And thanks to you, that bird
gets to live to see another day.

(Sighs)

(Gunshot)

(Thud)

I did mention we're not the
only hunters out here, right?

(Sighs) I told Boyd to
journal about our big trip today.

It's gonna make an amazing entry.

Oh, yeah, that part about nothing happened.

That's gonna jump right off the page.

Oh, something happened.

You lost, and it's driving you crazy.

You know, I wish I could get you someplace

where it's just you
and blue sky behind you.

A barbaric-Baxter tradition died today,
and Boyd killed it... with peace.

I'm really proud of him
even if you're disappointed.

I'm not disappointed in him!

The kid made a choice,
and I'm good with that.

Well, now it's not as fun.

I just want Boyd to be who he wants
to be, not who I want him to be.

But I get the idea had he taken that
shot, you might have freaked out.

Please, I think when it
comes to being understanding,

I can pull myself up to Mike Baxter level.

You know, I'm glad you're
not right very often

'cause it's really hard to take.

Yeah, a Baxter didn't
want to hunt. What's next?

A woman president?

Hey, Boyd, it's time to
leave. Your dad's got to go.

(Rock music plays)

Kyle.

Kyle!

(Music stops)

Hey, Mrs. B. This is so cool.

Even on Mr. B.'s day off, I still get a B.

Uh... I wanted to talk to you, Kyle.

Um... if you didn't want
to dance with me because

you thought I might embarrass
you, you could've just told me.

(Scoffs) What?

No, I love how you dance.

I mean, everyone stops and stares.

It's like they can't look away.

(Chuckling) Yeah. I just
do what the music tells me.

So, uh... So... So,
why did you pick a dance

you knew neither of us could do?

Well, because I didn't want to
have to do that dance at all.

Why not?

Look, I know I talk about
her a lot, but... (Sighs)

my mom really wasn't as
great as I make her sound.

So, the stories you tell
about her are the good ones?

She wasn't always there for me.

And a mother-son dance without my mother

would just be another reminder of that.

On my wedding, I... I just want to
be thinking about how lucky I am.

I wish I was you mother, Kyle.

Uh, I don't think so.

Living on government handouts isn't as
glamorous as Mr. B. makes it sound.

I mean, I wish I could have raised you

because I wouldn't have
missed one precious second

of being with a wonderful boy like you.

There's gonna be a
little salt in the coffee.

Thank you, Mrs. B.

I'm really lucky.

You know, I am really lucky.

And that's what I can think
about during our dance.

You mean you want to do it?

Yeah, heck yeah.

But only if we can do your dance.

Do you think you could teach me?

The music will teach you, Kyle.

Just let's... let's
see what it has to say.

(Rock music resumes)

We begin.

♪♪

Looks like two dogs trying
to get back in a boat.

Hey.

Hey! There are my hunters. Any luck?

Oh, yeah. We got absolutely nothing.

Boyd decided he didn't
want to shoot that bird.

High-five again, buddy.

My hand hurts.

That's because they're the hands
of an artist, and not a killer.

Either way, you still need
to wash them before we eat.

Oh, and here's the best part.

We can trade in that gun now for
something that you really want.

No, it's okay.

No, we can get you that bike
that you've been talking about.

No, I want to keep the gun.

Hey, Mike.

What? Did you run out of
kale over at your house?

No.

Actually, it turns out that Boyd did want

to shoot that bird, but
he didn't want to upset me.

You don't say.

Yeah, so, not only am I not freaking
out like you said I was going to,

I'd like you to take him hunting again.

Okay.

You drove all the way over
here to ask me a question

you already knew the answer to.

Yeah, 'cause I wanted to
see the look on your face

when you saw that I was cool with it.

So, you, uh... want to say anything to me?

Not unless you have a nine-letter
word that means ballet step.

It's pirouette, and come on, Mike.

Aren't you gonna give
me a little bit of credit

for not being disappointed in my son?

No.

Why not?

Because you are.

(Scoffs)

Yes, I am.

I mean, it is killing me.

Why weren't you disappointed
when he didn't want to hunt?

Damn, it is pirouette!

And who says I wasn't?

You did.

Hey, I lied.

You think I want to get my ass up at
the crack of dawn just to watch Boyd

wander through the forest like that?

I am not supposed to be
disappointed in my son.

What kind of dad does that make me?

It makes you just like the rest of us.

The fact that we love out kids even though

they disappoint us is proof
that we're good parents.

And also the reason why
we die 12 years sooner

than people that don't have kids.

Wait. Is that true?

I hope so.

So, you're telling me you've
been disappointed in your kids?

(Sighs) I'm the Outdoor Man.

One of my daughters is a musician,

the other one makes
clothes in the basement,

and the other one is married to you.

Oof, those first two really let you down.

I just thought I had a sensitive son.

You do have a sensitive son.

He was out in the forest protecting

the most delicate
creature out there... you.

That's a sensitive boy.

Yeah, I guess he was, wasn't he?

(Scoffs) I hate that he wants to do this,

but I guess I can't
force my opinions on him.

That's what makes you a good dad.

Whoa, did you just call me a good dad?

(Sighs) I lied.

Ah!

Dad, chop-chop.

We got to rehearse that wedding dance.

I added a booty bump during the rap
medley so (Clicks tongue)... let's go.

Booty bump, huh?

I'm a really good dad.

Hey, there. Mike Baxter
here for Outdoor Man.

I know what you're thinking.

"Mike, you taught us hunting,
and fishing, and climbing.

When are you gonna teach us
quantum electro-dynamics?"

Maybe I already have.

Let me explain.

When a beam of light hits the water,
no matter what angle of entry,

light always takes the path
that requires the shortest time.

Richard Feynman taught us that.

How does light know the shortcut?

It's like it's already done it.

Like it's already happened.

♪
Ooh-eee-ooh ♪

Light is pretty creepy.

And very predictable.

Our kids, not so much.

No matter how hard we try
to bend them to our will,

we have no idea where those little
rays of light are gonna go.

But that's okay.

Take the case of Jack Reagan...

A heavy drinker and even worse, a Democrat.

One night, his son Ronnie
has to lift his father

out of the snow and lug him into the house.

Ugh!

Even back then, Democrats expected
someone else to carry them.

The good news for our country,
Ronald Reagan was nothing like Jack.

Yeah, sometimes the worst
thing that can happen

is when a son turns out to be like his dad.

Just look at that fat
kid who runs North Korea.

(Chuckles)