Original subtitles

So in 24 hours you are going to be Mrs.

Simon Leeds. How are you doing?

Oh my, I finally know what it feels like to be high on life.

It's not as good, but my driving has improved.

So happy for you. You know, I'm a little bit nervous. Simon's on his way up

right now with a woman who's going to marry us. She's an old friend of

I've never met her, but he thinks she's wonderful.

Well, I am thrilled to be your maid of honor.

So it's not weird for you?

What? Well, you know, me getting married, you being the last single woman

Blush, that office pool on when you're finally going to admit you're a lesbian.

I'm not gay.

Damn it.

Hey, French. By the way, who are you bringing to the wedding?

Old friend. He's going to be in town for the weekend. Yeah, well, I don't want

you to bring any of your dorky friends.

He's a doctor. Oh, good.

You know, we're registered as pharmacy next to Saks. Oh.

Hello, darling.

I'd like you to meet our minister, Skyler.

Mina, I can't tell you what a thrill it is to perform your ceremony.

So tell me again, where did you two meet?

I used to travel with the band.

Were you two romantically involved?

No, it was a casual sort of thing. We took walks in the park, listened to

had lots of sex, that sort of thing.

Mina, you look uncomfortable.

No, no, I just came from a little lunchtime Botox.

Am I smiling? Because I mean to be.

Thank you for coming.

It's a chance to celebrate with some of my dear friends at Blush who could not

be invited to the wedding.

Like you, black ponytail guy.

And you, onion breath lady.

And of course you, guy who looks at gay porn all day and assumes that no one

notices.

Oh, Jack, thank you so much for throwing this party.

Happy to do it.

Listen, is there anything else I can do?

Well, Simon and I could use a sailboat.

I gave you a sailboat for your last wedding.

Oh, the Coast Guard impounded that one.

Something about improper cargo, blah, blah, blah.

Nina, I've written something that reflects my feelings for you, and it

a privilege if I could read it at the wedding.

You know that I love you as much, if not more, than smokes through his neck guy.

But I just feel that, I don't know, that it would really be more meaningful if

the person who spoke was an A -list celebrity.

So we're shooting for Martin Sheen.

Oh, you're friends with Martin Sheen?

Well, not really, but we were on Politically Incorrect together.

I was pro -crime.

Are you Cat Lover 126?

Are you lead fan 618?

That's me. Where's Simon? Oh, you just missed him.

The eBay auction said he was going to be here all night.

I paid you big bucks for this, dude. Shh.

Dude, I got you into the wedding.

Awesome.

But the thing is, you got to act like you're an old friend, all right? And

you're a doctor.

A doctor?

I'm a high school sophomore.

Not this weekend. You're Dr. Nick St. Clair, tough but tender neurosurgeon.

Well, this must be pretty tough for you, hmm?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, you not being married, everyone staying old maid, that

ridiculous lesbian office fool.

Finally, someone who knows how silly that is. Of course.

Listen,

if you come out with a Korean girl, I get ten to one odds.

Look, you know I'm into guys. As I have told about ten people today, I am single

now because my standards are higher than other people's. Yeah, you dated me.

Why does everyone keep throwing that in my face?

Okay, next we light the unity candle, and then we move right to the vows. I

to hear something from the couple themselves.

Oh, we haven't really planned. Oh, but that's great.

That's more honest. It just has to come from your heart. Nina, why don't you

give it a try?

Okay.

Boy, my heart is just so full of thoughts.

Let me give you an example.

Simon,

I love you.

I have always loved you, and I will never forget the first time we made

think about it every day and every night.

And no matter where you go or who you're with, in my heart,

you'll always belong to me.

Okay?

I like to end the ceremony by bonding you with the love of the universe.

First, I summon all the Earth's positive energy, and I transfer it first to the

bride, and then to the groom.

Okay. So there's more love.

The universe is expanding.

Yes. I'd rather Simon didn't.

Thank God you're here.

Jack, I'm freaking out. Here we go. Night before the wedding. Tensions are

I've heard it all.

What's wrong?

My new age minister is trying to have sex with my fiance.

Let me top you off.

That is so inappropriate.

Jack, I don't know what to do.

I mean, I can't get rid of her. She's Simon's oldest friend and he doesn't see

it at all.

Nina.

Do you want me to take care of this for you?

By that, do you mean... Would you like this problem to go away?

Yes, but are you implying that you're... Just blink your eyes

if you don't want her at the wedding.

Well, I had a Botox injection today, so suffice it to say...

Jack, thank you. You always take such good care of me.

Dennis!

Did you hear that? Every word. Don't worry about a thing.

What are you going to do?

So,

here

you guys, in this pool that you have about me being a lesbian.

Who wins if I got a little something -something with a hot guy who is so

he's a neurosurgeon?

Oh, I think I win.

Uh, Maya, does this guy have a certain boyish charm?

Well, yes, actually, he does.

And did he describe his last surgery as an A to the P to the N -dectamine?

And is the man of your dreams over there doing olive fingers?

What is he doing here?

Well, your neurosurgeon paid $500 on eBay to go to Simon Lee's wedding.

He's a high school sophomore.

Oh, my God!

You calm down and you spill something on your dress and you won't be able to

wear it to prom.

You're a high school sophomore? You told me you were a doctor.

It's not as bad as you think. I got left back a couple times.

Stupid geometry.

I can't believe this. I didn't even date guys who were bad at geometry when I

took geometry.

Chill out, baby. It's going to be okay. It's all good.

Listen, my parents are going to be out of town this weekend.

No. Listen,

this was an awful mistake, and you need to forget that this happened.

Forget?

I can't forget. It was my first time.

Oh, right on. Give it up.

And my eating of bananas while they're still green, I like.

Nick,

it was a wonderful night. And knowing what I know now, your crying and

thank yous make sense.

It was one great night, and that's all it could be.

But I love you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Back up, pal. She's dropping the hammer on you. No one's

dropping the hammer. We're going to be together.

Okay, please don't make a scene. I don't want to ruin the wedding. Forget the

wedding. I'm changing your mind.

Before this day is over, you're going to do a complete 90 -degree turn.

It's 180.

What? Well, I was hoping Skylar was in here with you, but she seems to have

missing.

Oh, how upsetting and unexpected.

Well, what are we going to do?

We're going to get married in half an hour and there's no one to perform the

ceremony.

Excuse me, you guys. I'm sorry to interrupt.

But my good friend, Father McGinty, stopped by. Is it okay if he stays for

wedding? It must be a sign.

Okay, Padre, suit up. You're in.

I'm not a Catholic. Nobody cares. Let's go.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down.

I'm drowning my sorrows.

Dude, you gotta let it go. She's into older guys.

Guys like him.

So,

she been with him?

Well, yeah, they were engaged and they still occasionally go...

I'm putting something special in his champagne.

Dude, dude, dude, that's not cool. That's not cool.

On second thought, if it'll stop that freak show, do your thing.

Damn it.

The flute player went home sick.

No, no, I can't. You played in the marching band.

All I know is Eye of the Tiger.

If I recall correctly, that was a song about going for it.

I am so thrilled you're here, Corbin. I never dreamed I'd get my first choice.

Yeah, that's very kind of you. Look, the truth is, as long as I get my salmon

and my slice of cake, I'll be happy.

Oh, didn't your agent tell you you're having chicken?

Nina, I heard my machine dropped out, and I'm just ready to jump in with my

tribute.

What's he doing here?

All right, before you overreact, just ask yourself one question.

Were you in the movie Major League, or what was the sequel called?

Major League Two.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just had a glass of champagne and now I'm just kind of feeling funny.

What?

I love you, Jack.

I don't tell you enough.

You're my sunshine and my universe.

I feel you.

I love you too, Elliot, but you're drifting uncomfortably close to my belt

buckle.

Hey, Mime, I... I love you.

Elliot. I mean it.

There's just so much love in this room right now.

You're gonna mess with my lady, huh?

Get your slippers off me! Nick, stop, please!

Elliot, what's going on here? I'm crazy about Maya.

But she doesn't love me. I love you. Elliot, go away. Elliot, go away.

Dude, dude.

She's not right. No, I'm not.

She's old and withered. You want a grape or a plum, not a prune, right, Maya?

Right. Yeah, come on, dude. You want somebody young.

A girl that's got all her own teeth.

I have one temporary crown.

I don't care about any of that.

I love her.

Hey, dude, see that girl in the red?

She's a top model from Brazil.

I can hook you guys up.

She's young.

Rich, horny, and stupid.

That might be better.

Dennis! Dennis!

We've got another problem. Nina has her heart set on an ice sculpture of a swan,

but the guy who's supposed to do it is a no -show.

Guy, you look beautiful.

Thanks.

So, I heard about you and the doctor.

Yes, well, some of us make smart choices when it comes to men, some of us not so

much.

Maya, I want you to listen to me. It has taken me six marriages to get it right.

Now, you may struggle and you may overthink, but you're special.

And you're going to get it right the first time.

And if you bang a couple of prep school kids along the way, so be it.

Thank you.

Okay, Nina, it's time.

I'll see you out there.

Wow, look at you.

You look exactly like you did at your second and fourth wedding.

Oh, Jack.

It's an honor to walk you down the aisle.

Look at him.

I have never been so happy.

Everything is finally perfect.

Wait!

Wait!

I'm here.

Scar, what happened to you?

I don't understand it.

I ran out of gas half the way here.

I never run out of gas.

I was trying to, you know, walk to the nearest gas station, and for some

the heel broke off of my shoe. I mean, it's almost as if someone sawed it.

And then I fell down. an embankment, and into a ditch, and then some freak in a

Darth Vader mask jumped out and said, go home!

I don't know how I got here, but I'm here.

Oh, you poor dear.

Oh, anything for you, Simon.

The only thing that could have kept me away is if I broke both legs.

Is it too late?

Come on, darling.

Oh, my God, that ice looks just like Jack.

Dude, that is Jack. It's the only one I can do by heart.

Finch, I'm freaking out here, man.

Oh, jeez, I'm starting to see the cats from L .A. Law.

Before the vows, Nina has requested a reading by her dear, dear friend, Corbin

Arnie Becker Bernson.

I haven't really known Nina for a very long time, but I do know that... Wait,

this doesn't feel right.

I'm sorry, Corbin.

I'd like to hear from someone who's been a wonderful friend to me for years.

If it's not too late, would you do me the honor, Elliot?

This is all in my head, right?

Now this time they're looking at you.

Shut your yap. You got a little spit bubble going.

Too good.

Jack, help me.

You forgot your glasses. Tonight of all nights.

Nina, Nina, we kid you a lot at the office, but the truth is, is that we

care about you.

You're a really good friend, and we're just so lucky to know you.

And Simon, you're the luckiest guy of all.

Aw.

Oh, one more thing. Before a big date, I often butter my head.

Aw.

Thanks, man. Thank you.

The bride and groom have something to say.

I express myself best with music.

So, Nina, my love for you is like a C chord

followed by a B, a G, a D,

and then an A minor seventh sustained.

I'm not a musician. I'm not a writer. I don't read much.

Gun to my head, I could not find England on a map.

But I do know how I feel.

And I feel like I've been asleep forever, and your kiss woke me up.

Isn't that sweet?

Well, it's now customary for me to ask if there's anyone present who feels that

these two people should not be married.

Just anyone at all.

We have the hall till 8 .30.

Wouldn't want to be in your car driving home and think, oh, I missed my chance.

So... You, sir!

What? No, no. No, no, not him. He's just, he's fending off the bats.

Okay.

Well, then, here we are.

The final moment before Simon and Nina are joined as one.

Forever.

Simon, pick me. I talk to God. He wants us to be together.

Would you all excuse us for just one moment?

I now pronounce you husband and wife you may kiss the bride