Original subtitles

This concludes the Stanbury Building 7th Floor Owners Association meeting.

Chairman Jack Gallo presiding.

Do we have to be so formal?

No, we don't, actually. How's this? Party's over, Grandma. Shoo!

A final note. I know some of you are upset that I always call these meetings

my office, so to show that I listen, next month we'll meet at my club.

Weinstein, you might want to sign in the guest book as Wilson. You know, for a

goof.

Are we going to discuss the vacancy in apartment 713?

Let's not bring that up again. You don't want your Monday pills to end up in the

Wednesday slot.

So there's an apartment available in your building? Man, I would kill to get

there. Look.

Elliot, 713 is right next to my place, and I know you and your bohemian

lifestyle, the parties, the crazy models. Jack, I promise you won't even

I'm there.

You know, they're going to want a year's rent in advance.

Why? You're my boss. Can't you just tell them that I have steady employment?

I'm not comfortable with that.

Is Nina here?

Oh, yeah. Hey, by the way, thanks for the invite to the engagement party. As

gift, because I love you kids, I'll be happy to DJ the event.

Who are you again?

That's good.

Seriously, I do a whole Star Wars theme. Check out my C -3PO.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, Master Luke. Let's put on some ass -busting grooves.

Oh, what a lovely surprise.

Good news.

My parents are flying in from England for our party.

That's wonderful.

Oh, it's going to be great.

By the way, I may have mentioned that you were raised in a convent.

What? Yeah, and then you were a nanny for some adorable Austrian children.

You taught them how to sing. You hid them from the Nazis.

Well, they're a wee bit conservative. My parents, not the Nazis. Well, they are,

too. You know what? I and I... I'm not going to pretend to be someone else. I

not a nun, and my life is not something out of the sound of music.

All right. You're a busty paralegal who discovers that the chemical company has

been putting something in the water supply, and you're going to do something

about it.

Elliot, welcome to the building.

Thanks, Jack.

Listen, now that we're next door neighbors, it's an opportunity for us to

much closer.

Yes, it is. I don't want that.

The operative word here is boundaries.

Jack, where do you want these?

What's going on?

I went to Costco today, and I went a little crazy on the relish.

Mind if I keep a couple of drums over here? The place is kind of small as it

Hey, hey, whoa.

This guy bends over backwards to get you in here, and you can't be a little

neighborly? I thought neighborly was like, you know, can I borrow some eggs?

Ooh, eggs, Dennis.

Yeah, and he's got a pound cake.

Yeah, take that, too.

Hey, by the way, we marked the drum, so no dipsies, okay?

Oh, my God.

What? What's the matter?

Well, my parents are on their way up and your knees are showing.

Well, at least they're together. That's the start.

No, you don't understand. They come from a tiny village.

They're church -going people.

Look, you don't have to worry about me. I've never met anyone I couldn't charm

with a warm smile and a friendly hello.

Hello.

Good heavens.

It's a prostitute.

No, no, no, Mum and Dad, this is Nina, my fiancée. Come on in.

I'm so sorry. We don't have a lot of women dressed like that in Leland

Lela what now?

Leland Firkin.

Our village.

All right. Well, you know, here in New York, I have to dress with cutting -edge

style. You see, I'm in the fashion industry.

Simon said you work with small children.

Well, who do you think makes this stuff?

May I take your coat?

Oh, you must be very excited about getting married.

Oh, well, you know what they say.

Seventh time's the charm.

Man,

I feel like a hot dog.

Hey, buddy.

I guess Jack wants a hot dog. I'm gonna grab some relish.

Look at my head, dude. It's good, though. A red hot mama.

You're a charmer.

Oh, dude.

You know what? You can keep that.

I've all had a man parted hair in the middle. Red hot mama. Red hot mama.

Simon's parents are driving me crazy. They are so judgmental. And Simon just

goes along with it. He's like this little boy around them.

A lot of adults cannot get past the parent -child dynamic. It's tragic,

Hey, princess.

Hi, Daddy.

Well, you only have to get through a few more days.

Yeah, if I don't kill them first.

Oh, my God.

They expect me to cook for them tonight.

You don't cook? I don't even eat.

All right, you gotta help me. Please, these people are dull, long -winded, and

sexually repressed. You'll fit right in.

Look, I was just hoping we could lay some ground rules, you know, for living

next to each other. You know, boundaries.

If you don't like the Stansbury, you're welcome to leave.

But I just gave up my place and put down a whole year's rent. I mean, can't you

just do me a little favor here?

I already have. There were people on the border who didn't want you. They

thought you were arrogant, noisy, and unsure of your own sexuality.

Why would they think that?

I might have mentioned something.

I'm your new neighbor, Elliot. Look, tomorrow we don't have much time.

There's a small group of us on the seventh floor who have been waiting to

up to the man whose name shall not be mentioned.

You mean Jack Gallop?

At the meeting tomorrow, this petty man, we'll call him Mr. X.

You mean Jack. What is wrong with you?

He's going to propose that the hallway be painted gold. I feel that...

Wheat is a more appropriate color. Are you with me?

Can I see some sample chips?

Look, I know that decorating issues are very important to men with your

proclivities.

But it's not about the paint. It's about putting this man in his place.

Damn it, I'm in.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. We are talking about Jack, right?

Oh, idiot.

Could everybody look away?

Audrey needs to dab her mouth.

Finished? So, Simon, who do you think we met the other day bicycling on our way

to church? Little Mary Margaret Pym. Oh, I haven't seen her since we were

teenagers. And her child -bearing hips are still very sturdy.

And untouched.

Is it just me, or does she sound like a lesbian?

So, London to New York, that's quite a hop across the pond, eh?

What is that you're doing?

Oh, it's my cute British accent.

People say I'm so good, they think I'm from England.

Hello, Gosna, Pippin, how's the queen?

Mr. and Mrs. Leeds, you must be aching to get back to that... Charming village

of La La Lou Louis Farrakhan County.

It'll be nice to be home, but we'll be back shortly.

Our Simon is buying us a flat in New York.

Mmm, smashing!

Shut up, Simon.

Mum and Dad decided they wanted to be closer to us.

We thought Simon needed a stable influence close by, especially at this

Our boy makes a lot of decisions he later regrets.

When you're looking for a place, make sure it's suitable for our little dog,

Cecil.

He likes small, dark spaces with little or no traffic.

In that case, maybe you should just take that little dog and shove him... Too

much excitement.

I'm going to lie down.

What are you doing?

Parents are walking all over me. Why don't you talk to them? Oh, just give it

time. They'll warm up to you, I promise you.

Okay, but you are the only person in the world I would do this for.

They are the most judgmental, prudish people I have ever met. I'm so sorry

this dinner didn't turn out quite as planned.

Oh, that's perfectly all right.

I'm a much bigger fan of dessert.

Sorry I'm late. My in -laws dragged me to church and there was a bit of a

Apparently you're supposed to sip the wine, which, in my defense, was not

explained to me by the man in the funny hat.

Listen, Nina, something weird happened last night.

Simon's father made a move on me.

Oh, my God.

So how was he in bed?

I didn't sleep with him. It doesn't matter. I mean, the point is the man is

hypocrite, and once I throw that in his face, he is going to have to back off.

No, don't do anything. I'm not 100 % sure. It was sort of a feeling.

What? Well, that's not going to help me. I need hard evidence.

God, would it have killed you to hop on pop?

All right, look, look.

Tonight at the party, just, uh, dangle the merchandise and try to, you know...

Pull him in.

I'm not comfortable with that. I don't dangle. I'm not a dangler. Maya, please.

When you dated that guy, Chris, I slept with his father.

I didn't ask you to do that.

And that's my point.

You didn't have to.

Hey, Jack, you want to see me?

Hey, buddy, come on in.

Let's talk about the gold hallway situation.

Oh, I see.

I'm the swing vote to suddenly you're my best friend.

Well, forget it.

You bully me and everyone else in that building and it's time for you to lose.

What if I told you I'd stop playing the banjo? Too little, too late. What if I

got you one of those parking spaces right next to the door?

Oh, please. Those spots are handicapped. Yes, they are.

No, no. This isn't about perks. It's about respect.

I can make that happen. Dennis!

Now? Now.

Have you been working out? You look like you lost some weight.

He's willing to say that in front of people.

Give him another one.

You know, around the office, all the ladies call you Love Machine.

Really?

Rest of the board is on their way up.

Excellent.

You really know how to satisfy a woman.

You, my friend, have chosen the right tea.

Oh, my God, he got to you. No, no, he hasn't. I just happen to like the color

gold. You know, with Weinstein on board, you're the swing vote. If you vote

wheat, everyone will follow. But that's not my problem.

There are few moments in life that define who you are.

Who do you want to be, Mr. DeMauro? A man of principle and conviction?

Or Jack Gallo's spineless, whimpering bitch?

All right, people, file in. Come along.

Step lively.

Okay, first order of business.

We have to decide on a hallway color.

Is it going to be tasteful, elegant gold?

Or that dirty bastard child of beige wheat?

All right, though I know this is just a formality, all those in favor of wheat,

stand and be counted.

I'm Elliot DeMauro, and I like wheat.

Who's with me?

Yes, we win.

From now on, things are going to be different on the seventh floor, Jack.

days of steamrolling people are over.

I only count four.

Weinstein, stand up.

Come on, Weinstein.

People change tomorrow.

I like gold.

Hey, Thaiman.

Congrats on the engagement.

Oh, thanks, mate. Listen, word around campus is the parents are a little

uptight.

I'm packing some watermelon schnapps if you need a little sneaky peek later, all

right?

Oh,

there's a man's drink.

Maya. Good. Are you ready to hit on the old man?

Just relax and leave it to little mama.

Don't say little mama.

Hello, Mr. Leeds.

Oh, hello, Miss Gallo.

You know, standing there by that cheese plate, you remind me of a movie star.

I find most movies to be violent filth.

Do you like cheese?

Yes. Okay, let's talk about that then.

You know, men are like cheese.

Some are mild.

Some are sharp.

But that's the end of the day.

You're never sorry they end up on your cracker.

Right.

I'm sorry, but that guy's gay.

Great. So this is all a total waste of time?

These people are going to make my life a living hell and there's nothing I can

do about it?

How can I...

I finally find the perfect man, and his parents turn out to be the most pious

people on earth.

They're saints.

They don't drink, they don't smoke, they don't swear.

I have no idea where Simon came from, because I guarantee you, those two

have never had sex.

We got a situation.

Your mother -in -law just jammed her tongue down my throat.

Yeah, apparently she and the old man like to swing.

And they want to make a club sandwich with me and little Maya.

I knew it.

How do we handle that?

It's a tough call. Do we leave the party with them or meet them at the hotel?

Okay, you two.

Game over.

I know what you're up to with Maya and Finch.

I couldn't help myself.

The lad's yummy.

Where do you get off judging Simon and me? You are such hypocrites.

Come on, most moms and dads hide a few peccadilloes from their children. You're

trying to nail all our friends.

Look, please don't tell Simon. He's such a sweet, innocent boy.

It would shatter him. Of course I am not going to tell Simon. He is the love of

my life. I would never do anything to hurt him. But from now on, here's the

drill. First, you find me delightful.

Second, I drink whenever I want. And third, I know you come from some little

village, but here in America, we do not have sex with Finch.

I saw you talking to my parents. They're not giving you a hard time, are they?

No, it's nothing.

They just didn't think there was enough on the dessert tray.

Right.

That's it. I'm sick of their crap.

What's the matter with you two?

I've just heard about your discussion with Nina and I'm appalled at your

behaviour. Simon, you don't understand.

No, I've been silent too long.

What's the matter, Dad? One tart, not enough for you?

And Mum, you'll grab anything as long as it has nuts.

Fine, it's out on the table.

Simon, your mother and I have an open marriage.

We mean you sleep with other people.

It's that damned village. There's nothing to do.

So you've no choice but to bounce from bed to bed?

Well, if only we're the blockbusters or Barnes and Noble.

I can't believe it.

I don't even want to look at you right now.

Simon, wait.

They have their flaws, we have our flaws, but maybe it's for the best that

of this is out in the open.

All right, fine.

If you want honesty...

My adult life has consisted of orgies, drug abuse, and random acts of hotel

vandalism. And as we speak, I'm wearing a pair of Nina's underpants.

Oh, son.

Poppy.

There's a sexual position you can learn on the internet called the Van

Horn.

Not you.

You know, deep down, all families are really the same.

Like Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina.