All language subtitles for Just Shoot Me s07e11 The Comedy Stylings Of Rivers
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1
00:00:00,779 --> 00:00:04,620
Jack, I've got two front row tickets to
see Mr. Chick Rivers tonight, and I want
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you to be my guest.
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00:00:05,660 --> 00:00:07,120
Oh, no, thank you, Elliot.
4
00:00:07,380 --> 00:00:12,180
No, I don't go for that put -down humor.
I like comedy that makes me laugh. You
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00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:16,600
know, like Blondie and Dagwood and that
hilarious, gigantic sandwich.
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00:00:18,460 --> 00:00:20,240
It's funny because it's big.
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So big is funny. Uh -huh. Let me jot
that down.
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Well, Finch, I was just having drinks
and I ran into your father.
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My father's in town?
10
00:00:43,190 --> 00:00:44,190
Why didn't he call me?
11
00:00:44,790 --> 00:00:46,670
You know, he's been acting so strange
lately.
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00:00:46,890 --> 00:00:49,410
Well, you should go talk to him. He's at
the bar at the Lincoln Park Hotel.
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00:00:49,730 --> 00:00:52,950
Oh, I know that joint. It's a hangout
for drunken lowlifes who think they're
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00:00:52,950 --> 00:00:55,950
celebrities. What are you talking about?
I go there all the time. I never see
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anybody like that.
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Nina, Nina, Nina, Nina. I need your
advice.
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00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:05,720
When I was 17, I lived in the building
next to the sweet guy Gordon Sattler,
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we were in love. We were like the
perfect couple. Okay, I'm bored. If I
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hear the phrase dank rec room or
delicious black man in the next
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leaving.
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All right.
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So things were really heating up between
me and the delicious black man when his
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family decided to move to Arizona, and
we promised that if we still felt the
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same for each other in 20 years, we
would meet at McAllister's bar, and
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tonight's the night.
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I don't know. You think that's silly?
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No, I think it's beautiful.
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Really? Yeah.
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You know, before I met Simon, I always
thought that ugly people invented love
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just to make themselves feel better.
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But now I think maybe we do all have a
soulmate. So you think I should go?
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Hey, do what you want, old maid. I got
my man.
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Dad.
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Dennis. Dennis, what the hell are you
doing here? What are you doing here? Why
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don't you call me?
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Look, I know how sensitive you are about
me and your mom splitting up.
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Well, you might as well know.
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I met somebody.
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00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:06,360
Is it a fella?
40
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Cut it out. I'm your father.
41
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Well, who is she?
42
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Her name is Glenda, and she's
incredible.
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00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:15,660
She's right over there.
44
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Oh, well, I'm happy for you. So how'd
you meet this Glenda? Well, I was buying
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some pants at a department store. She
was just standing there. Ah.
46
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And here she is.
47
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This is Glenda Harbivian.
48
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Yeah, this is the girl you're dating?
Are you completely out of your mind?
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Why? Because she's Armenian?
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She makes me feel alive.
51
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She's got a dent in her head.
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It's not a dent. It's a scar. She fell
off a horse when she was four.
53
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What?
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Horse, pony, why do you correct me in
front of the kid?
55
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Sit down. Sit down. Order some food.
It's fantastic.
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Baby, baby, you haven't eaten any of
your rice. Come on. Come on, huh?
57
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There you go.
58
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Come on, a little bit more there. That's
it. That's it.
59
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You're going to see Jack shrink.
60
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,140
See that guy going to the john?
61
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What, is that her husband?
62
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It's an insurance investigator. This is
all an act.
63
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They're forcing me out of my job as fire
chief. Six months short of my pension.
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Proving I got a mental disability is the
only way I can get the money they owe
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me. Dad, you can't go on like this. It's
embarrassing.
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I got no choice.
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I got no money. I got no place to go.
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This is my one chance to grow old with
some dignity.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Somebody had a
little too much to drink, huh?
70
00:03:41,190 --> 00:03:42,690
That's okay. No problem.
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00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:52,790
This better be good, Elliot.
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This is going to be great.
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Chick Rivers is a genius. He's going to
find some poor staff in the audience and
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he's going to make some off -color
remarks about his race or his religion
75
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wife.
76
00:04:03,550 --> 00:04:05,910
Is his wife comically large?
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You're going to have to let that go.
78
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Ladies and gentlemen, Chick!
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opening night back in New York and they
put an old man up front. My luck.
80
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,980
They didn't even give him a chair. I
think he's sitting on his prostate.
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00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,720
What the hell are you laughing at,
Baldy?
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He's touching himself under the table.
83
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:42,260
No offense. I don't mean any harm. You
have a beautiful head of skin.
84
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Actually, it's more like a wide part is
what it is.
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Tell you one thing you don't have to
worry about. If you find a hair in your
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suit, you know it's not yours.
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So tell me, Cheech, you got a girl?
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No. Here it comes.
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Don't worry, I know where guys like you
can get all the love they want.
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Prison!
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I have fantasized about this night for
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20 years.
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It's like in my mind, Gordon has become
this well -educated romantic.
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Loves children and writes poetry.
95
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But I really shouldn't get my hopes up
because it's been hours. And what if he
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doesn't show up late?
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There he is.
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Oh, my. Don't just sit here. Go to him.
Don't let him get away.
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Yes. Very funny.
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This is a big waste of time because I'm
sure Gordon has moved on with his life.
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That makes me the biggest loser in the
world.
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Am I supposed to say something?
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Okay, uh... So you're alone, you're
childless, you're pinning all of your
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00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:12,020
romantic hopes on some acne -scarred kid
you haven't seen for 20 years, but that
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doesn't make you a loser.
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Makes you mild.
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What is that supposed to mean?
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Well, you have to admit, your love life
has been sort of like a train wreck. It
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has not!
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00:06:24,370 --> 00:06:27,090
Hey, look, I'm not judging you. I admire
you.
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00:06:27,510 --> 00:06:31,490
If I had been rejected by as many men as
you have, I'd be a big fat lesbian by
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now.
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You know, I have always been a good
friend to you, and you have always put
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down. Tonight was really important to
me, and I'm just not going to take it
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anymore. I have too much self -respect.
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Was this mannequin attractive?
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She was pretty hot.
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Classy or trashy?
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Bloomingdale's front window.
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Nice.
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Thanks for helping me out. It means a
lot to my dad. You bet.
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00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:07,020
Dennis! All right, I'm here. What's up?
Hey, I got great news. You don't have to
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worry about money anymore.
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Jack's gonna hire you as his driver.
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Look, I don't want any charity, all
right? I have my pride.
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Dad, when I left you, you were
tightening your girlfriend's arm with a
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knife.
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Listen, Red, if you'll do it, it could
really help me out.
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All right, there's no shame in an honest
day's work. Jack, I won't let you down.
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I drove a hook and ladder for 12 years,
until the incident.
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I still maintain a fire truck has a
right -of -way over a school bus.
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Listen, Red, you could take me to a
meeting right now. Dennis, give him the
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Yeah.
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Oh, I don't wear hats.
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You wore a fire hat. Fire helmet.
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Helmet, protective headgear. Hats for
prancing dandies.
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Well, it's fine, Red. You don't have to
wear the hat.
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I really want to wear the hat.
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00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,760
Jack, come on, Jack. Hat or no hat, I'm
your man.
140
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,440
Okay. Hey, let's go. We'll take a
shortcut through the park.
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00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:12,540
I don't think so, sweetheart. The park?
No, no, no. We stick to the main street.
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Maya, I know I was a little insensitive
the other night, but I've come up with
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something that I think is going to make
this all better.
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And what could you possibly do to make
me feel better?
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I found Gordon.
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He got the wrong night. He still loves
you. He thought of no one else for like
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20 years. And here he is.
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Myra.
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You look more beautiful than you did in
high school.
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Remember that?
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Those were good times.
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I'm not Myra.
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Myra.
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You look more beautiful than you did in
high school.
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What is this, some kind of joke to you?
I was trying to help.
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00:09:08,210 --> 00:09:12,930
Yeah, I don't need that kind of help.
What I need now is a real friend,
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I can talk to and trust.
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00:09:18,110 --> 00:09:19,570
Oh, you blew it, genius.
159
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You can just forget about that hot dog.
160
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Jack. Elliot, you walked out on a great
show after you left Rivers lit into this
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Japanese guy.
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Make you love in a rickshaw.
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You know what, Jack?
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It's hurtful when the insults are aimed
at you. And somebody's got to teach that
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guy a lesson.
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Uncle Jimmy, come in here.
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Jack, I want you to meet my Uncle Jimmy.
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He's the funniest man in my family, and
he's going to help me get back at
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Rivers.
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What's that, your hair?
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00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,980
What the hell's going on up there?
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00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:07,180
This is not a good idea. Rivers has been
facing down Heckler's for 40 years.
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00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:08,720
He's going to eat you alive.
174
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,300
No, he's not.
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00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:14,580
Uncle Jimmy has a file cabinet full of
one -liners. Rivers is going down.
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00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:17,880
Come on, Uncle Jimmy.
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00:10:20,740 --> 00:10:21,940
What's that, your head?
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That one's under construction.
179
00:10:31,470 --> 00:10:32,470
Hey, Stretch!
180
00:10:33,530 --> 00:10:35,390
Are you the Statue of Liberty?
181
00:10:37,090 --> 00:10:40,850
Or some other tall lady from France?
182
00:10:43,450 --> 00:10:45,530
Hey, hey, so how's the job going?
183
00:10:45,970 --> 00:10:48,890
Jack must be happy. I got him to that
meeting 20 minutes early.
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00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:52,030
Oh, whoa, he hates being early.
185
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Forces him to make small talk with
middle class people.
186
00:10:56,530 --> 00:11:00,030
Hey, Jack, don't forget now. You got
that appointment at 8 o 'clock. Your
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00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:01,910
leaves at 745 Sharp.
188
00:11:02,190 --> 00:11:04,070
Whether you're in it or not.
189
00:11:07,670 --> 00:11:08,810
He poked me.
190
00:11:11,890 --> 00:11:14,450
And you know how I hate to be touched.
191
00:11:15,410 --> 00:11:19,130
Sorry, Jack. He's used to being chief.
He's just going through an adjustment.
192
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,020
Don't worry, Dennis.
193
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:25,020
I'll do with him like I do with all my
employees.
194
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:30,300
I'll crush his spirit until he's
incapable of independent thought.
195
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:33,040
You don't do that with us.
196
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:34,260
Yes, I do.
197
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:35,460
You're right.
198
00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:38,200
Now, get me a chocolate phone. That's
crazy.
199
00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:39,580
No, it's not. Okay.
200
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,940
Red, we got a little problem. I'll say.
201
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:53,510
You got an overloaded outlet next to
flammable snack foods. Those bagel chips
202
00:11:53,510 --> 00:11:54,830
will go up like a Christmas tree.
203
00:11:55,430 --> 00:11:57,330
I know it's ironic, but it happens.
204
00:11:58,210 --> 00:12:04,570
Yeah, okay, Red, we need to talk about
the way things work around here. Now,
205
00:12:04,570 --> 00:12:06,410
you got a three -alarm fire.
206
00:12:06,890 --> 00:12:11,990
Now, I know there's going to be a lot of
firemen there, but how many chiefs?
207
00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:14,610
Well, Jack, it depends on how you want
to attack the fire.
208
00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:18,110
Maybe you've got your host chief, your
pumper chief, your rescue... All right,
209
00:12:18,130 --> 00:12:21,850
forget the fire. Yeah, I wish I could,
that red -eyed devil. Do you know how
210
00:12:21,850 --> 00:12:23,990
much of my ass is grafted onto my
elbows?
211
00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:34,290
Look, Red, my point is, I run this
magazine, and around here, we do things
212
00:12:34,290 --> 00:12:35,330
my way.
213
00:12:35,570 --> 00:12:36,850
So how's everything going over here?
214
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:42,340
Mr. Fancy -Fancy, you just read me the
riot act, huh? Come here, you big teddy
215
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:43,340
bear. Come here. Come here.
216
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:45,440
Oh,
217
00:12:52,860 --> 00:12:54,640
Jimmy, this stuff is great.
218
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:57,920
The minute that bastard Rivers sets on
stage, I'm going to give him a taste of
219
00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:58,899
his own medicine.
220
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:01,000
Here's one in case he's dressed like a
chicken.
221
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:02,900
You never know.
222
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,460
Ladies and gentlemen, check...
223
00:13:14,230 --> 00:13:15,350
Cheeky, cheeky rivers.
224
00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:18,570
Oh, look who else is here, my favorite
pal.
225
00:13:18,850 --> 00:13:20,550
The poor man's Yul Brynner.
226
00:13:21,650 --> 00:13:23,990
Is that your head or are you sitting
upside down?
227
00:13:25,150 --> 00:13:28,010
What is that, chick? Rivers or a fossil
in a tuxedo?
228
00:13:29,190 --> 00:13:30,590
Very cute, very cute.
229
00:13:31,250 --> 00:13:35,290
Here he is, folks. Proof positive that
cousins do marry.
230
00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:37,670
Where were you conceived?
231
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,070
At a family reunion?
232
00:13:40,290 --> 00:13:41,290
That's a good one, Rivers.
233
00:13:41,710 --> 00:13:44,350
Your brain is still fit, and I'll tell
your body to get with the program.
234
00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:46,470
Is this guy angry?
235
00:13:46,690 --> 00:13:48,930
Somebody must have slipped him a crazy
glue enema.
236
00:13:49,950 --> 00:13:52,450
That joke was cheap and easy, like your
wife.
237
00:13:53,670 --> 00:13:56,790
Call it, will you, pal? I'm trying to do
a show here. Now, enough is enough.
238
00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:58,770
Sends a missus after a minute of sec.
239
00:14:00,870 --> 00:14:01,869
My arm.
240
00:14:01,870 --> 00:14:04,270
My arm hurts. Can't feel my arm. It fell
asleep.
241
00:14:04,530 --> 00:14:05,770
It's been watching your act.
242
00:14:06,710 --> 00:14:09,950
Hey, can I get some water out here?
Finally, he's going to take a bath.
243
00:14:10,990 --> 00:14:14,730
Oh, I don't feel good. But because you
look like crab.
244
00:14:15,670 --> 00:14:18,450
Oh, my
245
00:14:18,450 --> 00:14:24,630
God, I killed Chick Rivers.
246
00:14:27,370 --> 00:14:30,070
Here's one in case he's wearing a cowboy
hat.
247
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:45,540
Bingo. Dad, open up. Come on. We're
here.
248
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,560
All right, girls.
249
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:53,040
All right, this one's a freebie. Next
time, you're taking the Shoe Leather
250
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,040
Express.
251
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,540
I don't like this premise.
252
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,520
Hey, how about a little champagne?
253
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,960
Come on, remember when big was funny?
254
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:07,260
Come on, boys, strap in. We gotta make
up some time.
255
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,260
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, an ambulance.
256
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:12,880
We can follow in its wake.
257
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:14,780
Huh?
258
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,340
Ed, hey, you want to slow down a little
bit?
259
00:15:18,580 --> 00:15:22,400
No, no, no. We got to get there early.
The early bird catches the worm.
260
00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:25,440
I'm Jack Gallo. I've already got the
worm.
261
00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:31,500
Besides, the faster you hit these
potholes, the smoother they feel.
262
00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:35,420
Ed, will you excuse us for a minute?
263
00:15:38,510 --> 00:15:39,690
fire him. What?
264
00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:42,030
I can't fire my own father?
265
00:15:42,530 --> 00:15:46,910
Dennis, this isn't working. You brought
him in. I want you to take him out.
266
00:15:47,230 --> 00:15:49,050
It'll be quick and painless.
267
00:15:49,650 --> 00:15:52,510
It's easy for you to say. You've never
been spanked with your own flute.
268
00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:55,490
Jack, give him another chance.
269
00:15:55,730 --> 00:15:58,230
He's a great guy. Before you know it,
you'll love having him around.
270
00:15:58,850 --> 00:15:59,850
Otto!
271
00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:01,670
Ow!
272
00:16:04,290 --> 00:16:06,430
Your panties still dry, ladies?
273
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,000
He's gone.
274
00:16:16,580 --> 00:16:18,540
All right, I can't take this anymore.
275
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,140
You want me to get real?
276
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,720
Well, this is how I feel about you. This
is from my heart.
277
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:31,320
Why do birds suddenly appear Every
278
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:38,300
time you are near Just like me
279
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,940
But not in a gay way.
280
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:56,440
Lena, that was the lamest gesture I've
ever seen. I know, I know,
281
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:57,560
I know, I know.
282
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,500
I'm so, so sorry that things didn't work
out with Gordon.
283
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:06,520
You know, I actually did try to track
him down, but I... No, it's sweet,
284
00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:11,700
I'm glad he didn't come back. Come on.
No, I mean it. The real Gordon could
285
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:14,800
never live up to the perfect person that
I created in my imagination.
286
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:18,540
Better to keep it a fantasy. I just need
to move on.
287
00:17:19,099 --> 00:17:22,660
Well, I so admire your perspective.
288
00:17:28,420 --> 00:17:35,340
On the day that you were born, the
angels got together and decided to
289
00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:36,340
dream.
290
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,060
Hey, Uncle Jimmy.
291
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,960
I just spoke to Mr. Rivers in the
hospital. He's going to be okay, but I
292
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:45,960
tell you, I feel terrible.
293
00:17:46,140 --> 00:17:48,320
I got to tell you, I feel like an egg
cream.
294
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,440
That goes in the file.
295
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:53,959
You know what?
296
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,720
The great news is that he loves your
jokes and he wants to buy a couple.
297
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,340
Take that, Mom and Pop.
298
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:14,100
I just stopped by Jack's place to pick
him up. They said he'd already left.
299
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:17,620
the hell is going on? Yeah, uh, I gotta
talk to you about that.
300
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,140
Let's go in here.
301
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,200
All right, what's up?
302
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:30,440
Dad, uh, it's kind of hard for me. It's
about your job, Jack.
303
00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:32,100
Jack, Jack, Jack what?
304
00:18:33,260 --> 00:18:36,820
Jack was, uh, this is tough to say.
305
00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:41,180
Oh, come on. Come on. Quit wasting my
time, kid. Spit it out. I'm trying.
306
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:45,080
try harder. Get up on your two feet like
a man, look me in the eye, and say what
307
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:46,080
you have to say.
308
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,360
All right.
309
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,060
You're fired.
310
00:18:50,260 --> 00:18:53,920
You're the worst driver we've ever had.
You're reckless. You're arrogant. You've
311
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,840
been here one day. You've already driven
to four meetings without Jack.
312
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:03,360
That's because I won't wear the hat,
right? No. No. Dad, it's everything.
313
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,920
isn't the job for you. I'm sorry.
314
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,540
What's happening to me?
315
00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:14,340
First I lose my career, then I lose my
pension, now I get fired from this
316
00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:16,600
job by my third favorite son.
317
00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:21,500
No offense, kid, but I just haven't
known you as long.
318
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,000
Don't worry, Dad.
319
00:19:27,820 --> 00:19:28,920
You're gonna land on your feet.
320
00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:30,980
I don't think so, kid.
321
00:19:31,740 --> 00:19:34,080
You kidding me? You face worse than
this. Come on.
322
00:19:35,110 --> 00:19:36,750
Remember when the old lumber mill burned
down?
323
00:19:37,370 --> 00:19:40,690
I think I remember you were the first
guy in there, and you didn't leave till
324
00:19:40,690 --> 00:19:41,850
the last guy was saved.
325
00:19:43,330 --> 00:19:44,990
What were you doing at the lumber mill?
326
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:48,630
I wasn't looking at porn and lighting
bottle rockets, that's for sure.
327
00:19:52,990 --> 00:19:55,070
Say, where do you think I can turn my
life around, huh?
328
00:19:55,790 --> 00:19:57,590
Of course you can, you're Red Finch.
329
00:19:59,230 --> 00:20:00,570
Look at this, look at this.
330
00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:03,800
Who would have thought my youngest son
would be the one to be propping me up
331
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:04,800
these days, huh?
332
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,100
You're a good kid, Dennis.
333
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,360
I'm proud of you.
334
00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:16,180
Thanks, Dad.
335
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,820
And listen, enough of this crazy
mannequin stuff.
336
00:20:20,060 --> 00:20:22,420
When you're getting back on your feet
and you need anything, you come to me.
337
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,540
Hey, maybe I could move in with you.
338
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,180
Is my father mentally competent?
339
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,740
Why don't you ask my new stepmom?
340
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,060
We just found out we're having a baby.
26358
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