Original subtitles

Jack Gallo. He's very important, so just remember, suck up to him.

Jack, I'd like you to meet Kelly, next month's cover girl.

Hello, Kelly.

I saw your proof sheets.

Magical. Thank you. Speaking of which, do you enjoy a little magic?

Oh, my God, that is amazing. Where did those cards come from?

My pocket. That was not the trick.

Tell me, ladies.

Is this card the Ace of Clubs?

Yes.

Thank you.

I was learning a little magic for your Halloween party. I'm coming dressed as

Merlin the Magician.

Wow. You're having a costume party?

Oh, it's not just a costume party. It's going to be the Halloween event of the

season. Strictly A -list guests and some people from Blush, because Maya

couldn't keep her fat mouth shut.

So who's going to be there?

Oh, well, I don't like to name drop.

It really upsets my boyfriend.

Recently knighted, legendary rock star, Simon Meade.

Come with me and I'll get you an invitation.

Oh, Kelly, wait.

Perhaps before you leave, you'd like these flowers.

Thank you.

Oh, Kelly, I'm going to need those back.

Woo, dibs.

What? I got dibs on that hot new model.

Please, Dennis, I don't think you want to compete with me over a woman. Fine.

Let's settle this in a mature and adult manner.

Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish. How many pieces do you wish?

Seven.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and you are not it.

Rock,

paper, scissors?

Yeah. Can I have two paper? Yeah.

Oh, Simon, I am so excited about tonight.

Oh, me too.

I sent a van to the liquor store to pick up six cases of tequila, two cases of

scotch, a case of bourbon, and a keg of Guinness. This party is going to be

huge.

All right, you're the party.

I'll see you later.

Simon, people are watching.

Oh, sorry.

saying is you're supposed to skim a thin layer off the top, not dig down to the

bottom. There's no treasure down there.

Stop busting my chops. I don't know what they do over there in Brooklyn, but

here in Manhattan we take nice, easy layers.

How's this, Elliot?

What is your problem?

Nothing. You are constantly picking fights with her over the smallest little

things. Smallest things?

Yesterday, she has a banana. Peels a little, takes a bite. Peels a little,

a bite. Peel it all the way down. We're trying to run a business here.

Elliot, come on. It is so obvious you are attracted to her.

You're like the little kid in the schoolyard who's picking on the girl he

Maybe she's smart and a little awkward.

Her body's not quite yet developed.

I mean, one summer, blam. And what am I going to do with these?

What?

Nothing. The point is... You like her.

All right, fine. Yeah, it's all right. I like her. Okay, then stop all this

silliness and ask her out.

There's just something about her. She intimidates me. She makes me crazy.

All I need is the right opportunity, a window.

Well, be patient.

I'm sure you'll find it.

Hey, Nina, I'm really looking forward to your party.

Wonderful.

Is there anyone you didn't tell?

Dating a rock star is so fabulous. I don't think I've ever thrown a better

party. A rock star is not bad, but I can enchant your guests by pouring this

milk into my hat.

I just ruined my hat.

Hey, Jack, great buffet, huh?

You should be ashamed of yourself dressed as Gandhi.

and stuffing your face with buffalo wings.

Why don't you come as FDR and walk around with crazy legs?

Hey, hey, hey.

Robin Hood is here to rob from the rich and give to the bitch.

Oh, come on. You can't get mad. That rhymed.

I saw him late, guys. I had to lengthen my tunic so you couldn't see me marry

men.

Not to mention his little John, right?

It's a euphemism. We get it.

Dennis. Jack.

Nice dress.

It's a medieval thieving tunic. Nice moo -moo. It's a magical frock of mischief.

Rent it.

What? Rich bastard.

What? Nothing.

There's Kelly. May the best man win. I hope you're ready, Dennis.

Because right now, I plan to heat things up.

Oh! There it is.

Hi, Kelly.

It's me, Jack Gallo. Hi.

Hi, Kelly. I don't think we've been introduced.

The name's Dee Finch.

Nice to meet you, Dee. Great costume.

Oh, thanks. I sewed it myself.

Wow. I love Peter Pan.

You do?

Well, that's who I am.

I'm Peter Pan. Look at me. I'm flying.

I'm Sandy Duncan. I'm eating wheat thins. I have no depth perception.

Adorable.

Say, you seem to have a bit of chocolate on your cheek. No, no. Use my hanky.

What the?

How can this be?

Maybe it's magic.

Uh -oh, my underpants.

Thank you.

Hey, Betty Boop. Hey!

Who are you supposed to be?

Hello, Fran Lebowitz.

The writer, laconic humorist.

I'm Kramer.

Kramer, that's funny.

So, are you having a good time?

Well, it's a little new for me. You know, it's the first party I've been to

since me and Pete broke up.

Oh, you want to know what would make you feel better?

Find a guy, take him home, and jump his bones until my bed collapses.

I was going to suggest a brownie.

Vicki, are you sure that's what you want to do?

You always try and do this. Get out of my head.

Come on, I don't want to think tonight. I want to get crazy.

The first hot guy I see is going home to Brooklyn for the night of his life.

What's going on?

This Hindu just found a windu.

Gandhi's going to get some candy.

Yeah, it's funny because... Yeah, yeah, get it.

Simon, our first party as a couple. Isn't it romantic?

You know, Nina, I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. Oh, that is

sweet.

No, really, I can't remember.

Simon, sweetheart.

Oh, Penny!

How are you?

I'm great.

Oh, this is my girlfriend, Nina.

And you are? Penny.

Simon and I are old friends.

Oh. I'm just going to go throw my coat in the bedroom. Oh, it's just down the

hall. I know where the bedroom is.

It's not what it looks like.

We used to have sex.

This is my new cat, Ferdinand.

F -U -R.

Thank you.

Hey, Boop.

Hey.

So, are you having a good time? Oh, sweet rocking party. Yeah.

But sometimes, don't you want to just stop thinking, meet someone hot, take

home, and just get wild?

Oh, I know exactly what you mean.

I'm going to go hit on Fred Flintstone.

Good luck.

Is that one of Simon's music awards? Oh, yeah.

You see that pirate chick up there?

Yeah. I'm about to bludgeon her to death with Best Album 1983.

That's crazy.

Oh, I know.

Synchronicity should have won hands down, but if you'll excuse me, I have to

kill a whore. No, give me that.

You don't understand.

That is one of Simon's old girlfriends.

But he's with you now.

If you act jealous, you're just going to push him away.

Be above it. Be gracious.

You know what?

I'm just going to wait an hour and see if I'm still upset.

That is a very healthy, mature way to approach this.

Yes, and plus that's how long little red pills take to kick in.

I want you to be completely honest with me.

All right. Your magic is annoying, and I ran over an old lady with your car.

No. I mean, why can't I get anywhere with Kelly?

Oh.

Oh, Jack, no man can get anywhere with Kelly.

She's a lesbian.

A lesbian?

You sure? Oh, yes. She's as gay as the law will allow.

I thought you said she was a lesbian.

Can I tell you something?

Sure. I think you are the sexiest woman here.

Did you just say I'm a really sexy lady?

Sure. You're cute, you're funny, you're exactly the kind of girl I like.

Really?

Yeah. Just the slightest bit, um, masculine.

But all woman.

Wait here. I'm gonna go get us some drinks. Okay.

Dennis, you never cease to amaze me.

How did you get a lesbian to fall for you?

She thinks I'm a girl.

She thinks he's a girl.

This is better than the time we saw him try to do a push -up.

Or the time you caught him sleeping with your wife. That wasn't funny.

That does.

You guys, what am I going to do?

Well, you're going to have to tell her that you're a man.

I mean, you know, she's going to find out sooner or later.

You are a man, aren't you? Yes, I am a man.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, darling, I've hardly seen you.

Is everything all right? Oh, yeah. You know, I was, in fact, just telling Maya

how secure and independent I feel.

Hey, Simon, I brought you some champagne.

Oh, how sweet.

Oh, Maya.

This is Penny.

She just very generously brought Simon a drink.

That's nice.

Yes, because then if he gets drunk and topples over, her giant silicone airbags

can cushion the fall.

Nina, gracious.

So, how long have you known Simon?

Forever. You know, your place looks different.

Yes, well, everything looks different when you're standing up with your

on.

Hey, Kelly, can I talk to you?

Yes. First, let me give you this.

Now, what did you want to tell me?

I have really bad cramps. Do you have any Midol?

So you travel all around the world. That sounds fantastic.

Hey, kids.

So where's the rest of the village people?

We get it.

You know this guy?

Oh, I work with him. So you went to Australia and... That's right, I'm a

photographer.

Pat is a professional surfer.

Anyway... Oh, surfing, that's cool. So you're sort of like a beach bum?

Last year I made $4 million in endorsements.

So you feel the need to announce that all the time?

You know what?

I'm going to get a beer.

Oh.

the hell are you doing?

Oh, come on. What kind of life could you have with him? He's married to the sea.

Hey, hey, hey.

I saw you talking to Vicky. Did you find your window? A giant window.

I overheard you guys talking before about how she really wanted to have a

night. You're despicable.

What? What? You pick the night where she's confused and vulnerable to exploit

her? When are you going to stop manipulating women?

Come on, baby. Don't be like that.

I thought you said she was different.

She is. Okay, then treat her that way. If you really cared about her, you would

know that tonight's not the night that she needs some horny guy working some

sleazy angle with her. You're better than that.

There you are. Thank you. Much better.

At least you know you're not pregnant.

I know. Thank God, right? I mean, I want to be a mom. I do.

It's just...

What's wrong with men?

I know, with their back hair and their fat fingers.

You know what Elliot's doing? No, but why don't you tell me tomorrow?

Ooh, tomorrow's bad, I'm getting a bikini wax.

Hey, you know what I want to do? Hmm?

Let's find an empty room. Eh? And get out of these stupid costumes.

Oh, I do believe in magic.

to me. I'm leaving. There is nothing else to say. But it's our party.

did, I'm sorry.

Look, you didn't do anything.

I saw you with that woman and I got jealous.

But Penny and I are ancient history.

We're like the Sphinx or the Pet Shop Boys.

It still bothers me. And she's just one woman. You're this huge rock star. I

mean, you've slept with everyone.

That's not true.

Really?

Excuse me, how many people here have slept with Simon Leeds?

Simon what?

How many people here have slept with Nina Van Horn?

Just for the record, I only went to second base with a unicorn.

Look, we've both been around the block, but we're going to have to deal with

each other's past.

But it's worth it to me.

It's worth it to me.

You have a fabulous house.

Robin, you always know just what to say.

Okay,

great.

I think they'll leave us alone in here.

Just so you know, these are real.

They may be itty -bitty, but they're all mine.

Oh, no!

Come get me, girlfriend.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get you out of this costume.

Oh, stop.

No. What's the matter?

Um... Why don't you get started by yourself?

I like to watch.

Me?

Now get over here.

I can't.

All right.

Then I'll come over there.

No, no. I... I have to use the little girl's room.

Two seconds.

It's working.

Oh, Donna,

I'm so sorry, but that Sam Donaldson thing, it really threw me.

Well, it's about time.

Now, where were we?

That's right.

I was going to show you this.

Oh, my God.

I have the same bra.

What

the

hell is that?

I found it in Nina's drawer.

Isn't it lifelike?

Wait!

I'm a girl!

So, are you all set? Yeah, let's get out of here.

Hey, hey, can I talk to you a second?

What do you want?

I don't think you should do this.

Why, so I could go home with you?

No. Elliot, I'm not an idiot. You've been hitting on me all night. I know.

And I don't have an ounce of credibility right now, but I'm looking at that guy

you're leaving with and I see myself.

I mean, sure, he's taller and wealthier and probably didn't wear water wings

till he was 22.

What you do tonight is none of my business.

But I just want you to stop and think, because I do care about you.

I mean, is going home with a guy like that gonna make you feel better?

Tad, I... I'm going to hang out for a while.

What happened? You heard the lady beach boy.

Go hang ten.

Surf's not up. You just wiped out.

Here, catch this wave.

Elliot, you are one strange man.

But thank you.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

Friends.

Okay.

So water wings, huh?

What's up with that? Yeah, I have a buoyancy problem. My legs don't float.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Rough night. I lied to this girl and told her I was a lesbian.

I'm not a lesbian.

Good.

Because I've been watching you all night.

And you are one smoking hot lady.