Original subtitles

Oh, hey, Vicki.

Oh, clumsy me.

What am I, an idiot? You did that so I would bend over while you watch.

Did I?

Or did I do it so I would bend over while you watch?

Dennis, what's that body part that sounds dirty but isn't? Uvula. Thank

Okay, nobody freak out.

Simon Leeds is here. He's in the studio right now as we speak.

A rock star. Big deal.

Dad, it is a big deal. He's had six platinum albums and he's been knighted,

which is wicked. Wicked cool.

Those rockers are pathetic.

Surrounded by fawning groupies and yet better tell you just what you want to

hear. Isn't that right, Dennis?

Absolutely, Chief. You've done it again.

It took me forever to get to work. I swear that is the last time I let Danny

Glover hail me a cab.

I'm so glad you're here. Elliot needs you to approve the wardrobe for Simon

Leeds. I told you, I don't want to go anywhere near that over -toasted English

muffin. What do you have against Sir Simon? In 1975, Sir Simon spilled a

Mary all over my one -of -a -kind white Halston dress.

Nina, that was 25 years ago. The point is, he never apologized to me for

the dress, or to David Bowie, who happened to be wearing it at the time.

What about urethra? Dirty. Okay.

Let me see that rock and roll sexuality.

I'm a groupie. I'm coming on stage.

Oh, I'm coming after you.

You're freaking me out, man.

When I was little, I used to fantasize about marrying Simon Lee.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. What? I was talking about marriage, and yours just

apart.

Actually, I'm doing all right. You know, I'm pretty much the person around here

that people come to with their relationship issues.

Some people use the word guru.

I don't.

So? I don't want to.

All right, I'm here. Let's get this over with. All right, what do you think of

this, Nina?

Too worn and cracked.

All right, let's lose the jacket.

I meant his face.

Nina! What's your bloody problem?

You don't remember me, do you?

Did we shag?

Look, I am not ashamed of the fact that I've been with quite a few men. Hell, I

even went to second base with Meatloaf. His breasts, not mine.

But the thought of touching you makes my skin crawl.

Who are you?

1975 Bloody Mary White Halston dress.

Oh, my God, you're David Bowie.

I am Nina Van Horn, and you owe me an apology. You burned -out, self

fret -squeezer. You can't talk to me that way.

Why, because you're the great Simon Lee? No.

Well, yeah.

Nina, get the hell out of my studio.

Oh, my pleasure.

Look, hold on, you.

Seriously, nobody talks to me this way.

The weird thing is, I kind of like it.

Let me take you out to lunch.

Oh, you think you can buy me off with food?

Yeah, food at lunch.

Doesn't that get in the way of the drinking?

I'll grab my proof.

Everyone's making a real fuss over this Simon, aren't they?

Yeah, that chunky girl in PR threw her panties at me.

There was a time chunky girls in PR threw their panties at me.

Of course, but back then they were called bloomers and the Wright brothers

a bike shop. The point is, I've let my image get there.

I think I need to spruce things up with a new accessory.

How about a monocle?

Worked for Colonel Clink.

The character was a Nazi.

Not just any Nazi.

TV's funniest Nazi.

I got it. A pocket watch.

It's classy. It's eye -catching.

You know who else wore a monocle? Mr. Peanut.

I'm not getting a monocle. Mr. Peanut wasn't a Nazi.

He's a lagoon.

Just get me the pocket watch.

Oh, it was you, Dennis.

But I appreciate the gesture.

Fine, Pete. You want half the CDs, take them.

You know what I think?

I think your anger at Pete isn't just about the CDs.

You know, that's the kind of insight that's going to turn my life around.

Sarcasm is just tears wrapped up in sandpaper.

What is wrong with you?

You know, retreating is just advancing in reverse.

What is wrong with me?

That was so much fun.

It's great finally going out with someone my own age instead of some 25

-old. I feel the same way.

I mean, you're like two 25 -year -olds or three 17 -year -olds, but better

because we can fit in a small car.

You're fantastic. I can't wait to see you tonight. I should be thinking of

nothing else.

Shall I call to remind you? Yeah, it's probably a good idea.

Oh, you!

You look like you're really hitting it off. It's amazing. I mean, it's like we

led the same lives. We knew the same people. We went to the same parties. I

I was old enough to party in the 70s. Oh, don't feel bad, Maya. You wouldn't

have been invited anyway.

Tonight is going to be epic.

Oh, may I make a little suggestion?

I think you shouldn't sleep with Simon tonight.

Not sleep with him, but... But that's like telling Picasso not to paint, or

telling Michael Jordan not to jump, or telling you not to... What is it you do

again that people like?

Very good at Scrabble.

I don't know what that is.

Look, Simon liked you because you didn't treat him like other women.

What would other women do? Sleep with him. So you shouldn't.

That way, if he's still interested... you'll know there's more to the

relationship.

Interesting. Yeah, there were some girls in my high school who used to do that.

And their boyfriends were so good at dancing.

All right, people, gather around.

Quick meeting with Mr. Gallo. He'd like to talk to you.

Before you start, do you by any chance have the time?

As a matter of fact, Dennis, I do.

It's 3 .40.

Dammit, he stole my affectation.

Don't worry, Jack. Got you covered.

Huh?

Huh?

Yeah,

the truth is, I'm just an ordinary guy.

For example, I love gardening.

Really? Oh, absolutely.

dirt and say, hey, you with the boots and spay, put that thing in the hole and

make me a tomato.

Oh, Nina, I love your laugh.

Oh, do I?

Oh, this has been fantastic.

Would you like to come in for some sex?

You don't mince words, do you? Well, actually, I've mellowed a bit. I used to

just drop my trousers and say, it's time to meet the governor.

Normally I would welcome the chance for a British invasion.

But I think we should wait.

Are you turning me down?

I am.

Are you turning me down?

I am. Are you turning me down? Will you stop saying that? What?

Well, half the fun is the chase, and I haven't had to chase anyone in over 30

years. It's completely hot. No, no, no, Simon, I'm serious. I'm really not going

to sleep with you tonight.

Well, I wouldn't, even if you wanted me to.

Well, that is kind of hot.

I should probably tell you that I'm not going to kiss you now.

And I should probably tell you that I'm not going to kiss you ever.

I'm also not going to undo your shirt so slowly that you think you're going to

die if it takes another second.

And I shall probably tell you that I'm not going to rip yours off so fast.

You'll question your belief in the existence of buttons.

I am certainly not going to tell you that I'm wearing a lace thong right now.

I'm certainly not going to tell you that I am as well.

Okay, this isn't really helping. Not a bit.

Maybe I should go.

All right.

This has been fantastic, Nina. I'll call you tomorrow.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Good night,

Nina. Good night, Simon.

Good night, Governor.

It's a wristwatch.

Oh, thanks, Jack.

I've seen you struggling with that old pocket watch. You know, in your pocket,

out of your pocket, in your pocket.

I thought to myself, this guy needs the convenience of time on his wrist.

The thing is, the watch was my grandfather's, and there are so many

memories. Lose the pocket watch.

Excuse me?

Look, I just bought this.

fortune on this just to have it look like I copied you.

Well, you did copy me.

If anyone should be losing the watch, it's you.

Elliot.

Ellie.

I don't want this to be a time for crying, which it could very easily be.

Are you threatening me? Elliot.

Ellie.

Yep.

Here you go.

Compliments of Jack.

What, a hot towel?

His way of saying no hard feelings.

I don't want a stupid hot towel.

I want to be able to reach into my pocket, think of my grandfather, and be

happy.

You're one sick dude.

Hot towel?

Thank you.

So, how did it go last night?

Amazing. I mean, we were this close, but I conquered temptation and...

It hasn't affected me a bit. You see, you don't have to sleep with someone

away. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You took relationship advice from Maya?

Good idea, because men are swarming all over her.

The point is, you did the right thing.

Did he call?

He will.

All right.

You know what I do when I'm out with a girl and she doesn't put out?

You don't pay her.

I just want to applaud everyone on last month.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Damn it, Dennis. I was talking.

I know. It's just there's somewhere I need to be, and I don't have a watch.

wonder if you had the time. For you, of course.

It's 5 .30, Finch.

He came for you? Oh, thank you.

Oh, no, a bouquet of flowers.

That must bring up a lot of memories for you.

I'm this close to hitting you. Okay.

Nina, I thought a call would make you feel like every other girl, but you're

much more than that. You rock, and I should know.

Simon, you hear that, Finch? I rock.

Yeah, in a chair, maybe.

and celebrate.

I am so happy for you.

Well, don't be.

I sent myself the flowers.

Simon hasn't called.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

I know how you feel. Well, of course you do, but men like me. I'm not used to

this.

Me neither.

I'm sorry. It's just that when I get upset, I lash out, you stupid troll.

That hurt me much more than it hurt you.

I don't think so.

Look, I have been happily single for a long time, but this guy, I... I don't

know, I just, I... I felt like we had this connection, and... And I guess I

wrong. Nina, some people think of me as a guru.

Don't start.

You know, I've had this fantasy.

Simon and I have just made love and I walk to the balcony and open up the

doors and as the wind sweeps across my naked body, I look out and know that no

one out there is as content as I am.

It's beautiful.

I think I have something that might ease the pain.

Oh, good, because my guy in Mexico just got shot at the border.

Box of tissues.

Pounder bag of Skittles.

And? Journey's greatest hit.

Maya, I was dumped by a rock star, not an eighth grader.

Look, don't start in on me about Pete again. I just... Is that Journey?

Yeah, why?

It's just one of the CDs me and Pete used to listen to.

No big deal.

I always thought the wheel in the sky would keep turning.

But it didn't.

Oh.

I know.

Oh. Oh,

God. Are we going to start lactating now?

I appreciate what you're trying to do.

But I don't cry over men. I make men cry.

Nina seemed pretty upset. Let me guess.

Sent herself the flowers.

Simon hasn't called. Nah, that's awesome.

Is that Journey?

Greatest hits.

Alison Cameron.

Hello, look. Sorry I didn't call first. Apparently there's something wrong with

your phone.

You said you'd call.

Well, I meant to.

I'm just not the kind of guy who calls a woman. I am not a woman. Oh, my God.

Not again.

Oh, I know.

Maybe I'll burn something.

You know what?

I'm glad I didn't call you. You're out of your bloody mind.

Hello, Mr. Guitar.

Seriously?

I'm this close to calling the police?

Oh, go ahead.

Don't expect me to help you flush your back medicine down the toilet before

get here. You're insane.

Oh, for crying out loud. Do you know the slightest thing about setting a guitar

on fire?

First... You need a touch of booze. And then you like the body, not the neck.

That is how you like a guitar.

And if we're going to be together, you're going to have to know the thing.

We're going to be together?

Yeah. You're crazy.

You're perfect.

Where is it, Jack?

Where's what? My watch. It's missing. I know you took it. I don't have your

watch. Fine.

How's that feel? Now I have yours.

I didn't take your watch, Elliot.

There. How do you like that? Now neither one of us has one. What is wrong with

you? The Chicago way.

You put one of mine in the hospital, I put one of yours in the morgue.

I watch as I break one of yours.

You're not from Chicago.

I've visited.

Face it, Jack, for once you didn't win. Ha!

Elliot? What?

What's that dangling from the back of your coat?

I must have gotten caught.

I'm sorry, Jack. I feel awful.

That's not going to bring my watch back, is it?

Well, there is this watch.

I mean, sure, it's a priceless family heirloom left to me by my beloved

grandfather on his deathbed.

All I have to remember him by.

I mean, if it'll make you feel good.

All right, Jack, I guess we're done.

Oh, wait.

I can't take your watch here.

Thanks.

Let's forget this silliness. Have a cigar.

Oh, no thanks. I started smoking this.

I thought it looked kind of cool.

It was my uncle's.

Is he alive?

Yeah. Give me the pipe.

Just...

Like my fantasy is actually happening.