Original subtitles

Now, I've heard some of you are feeling threatened by my decision to hire

someone with no magazine experience as our new creative consultant.

So to clear things up, I've asked Vicki to explain exactly what she plans to do

here at Blush. Vicki.

Thank you, Jack.

Well, first of all, I'm not going to pretend that I know everything about the

magazine business.

Maybe I have been too skittish about Vicki. I mean, it's good to have another

woman in a position of authority, shattering the glass ceiling, skipping

hurdles.

Like the damn queen of the world.

Why doesn't my mother love me?

Oh, God, she is shameless.

Look at her, undressing me with her eyes.

Easy cowgirl.

It's going to happen. Because I'm Elliot DeMauro.

Accent on the moro.

Because I give the ladies moro.

I'm going to have to work on that.

If I ate Count Chocula, a Pop -Tart, and a pack of sugar, would I black

out?

Let's not give the readers what we want.

Let's give the readers what they want, right?

Come on, Vicki.

Drink the water.

The pills are bizarre and you won't feel a thing.

Maybe if I drink mine.

I just want you to know that I feel really lucky and really happy to be

Thank you, Vicki. Well said.

Any questions?

Yes. Um, which water is yours?

That one.

I'm going to need a safe place to mellow out for six to twelve hours.

I don't care about schedules. I don't care about deadlines. I told you,

doesn't want to shoot today. And why should you?

There's no on -off switch. There's only you, Katinka, the magnificent.

Will you hold my hand while I change?

Does Kate Moss eat lip gloss?

That rhymes, and she does.

Dude, she's hot.

You gonna Vladimir her Putin?

Sorry, was I being too vulgar?

Hey, Finch, could you check my dad's schedule? I want to take him to lunch.

can do.

Today's our traditional Thank You, Dennis luncheon, a reward for my total

devotion, which is why I got my monthly shave.

Everyone, meet Tallulah.

We met at a rave. Well, actually, I was at the rave. She was outside screaming,

I love you, at a Mylar balloon.

You smell like robots.

She's fabulous.

Why is she here?

I am holding a mirror up to your father.

If Jack can bring in some unqualified stranger like Vicky off the street, then

so can I. So you're exploiting this poor woman?

Oh, she's not a poor woman. She's a baronet.

That's what it says on her little cardboard crown.

I want a sandwich.

Okay, just pace yourself.

You want to have plenty of crazy left for when the old man gets here.

Dennis, has Dick Clark called about the dive trip?

Oh, yeah. The plane departs at 7. And by the way, each guest is getting a

complimentary top -of -the -line wetsuit. That egomaniac. Ever since he

playing handball with Joe Cocker, he'll do anything to draw attention to that

tight little body.

Oh, look at the time. We'll be late for lunch.

Where are you going?

With you, remember?

Look, we're going to have to postpone. I'm taking Vicki out to celebrate her

arrival. All righty, Jack.

Wait, wait. But we always go on the first Tuesday.

We count down the days.

It's the only thing that makes life worth living for us.

Look, if you two have plans, I could just get something on my own.

Good idea. I like the cut of your jib.

Now, sir, get ready to dirty our chins with Mr. Tony Romo.

Dennis, not today.

I'm taking you to my club. Wow, the club?

Don't feed him broccoli. He'll be murder in the limo.

Jack, following your lead, I brought in my own creative consultant.

Meet Tallulah.

Oh, no thank you.

Nina, is this some lame attempt to belittle my decision to hire Vicki?

Then what if it is?

Then you will feel the full force of my rage.

then that is definitely not what it is.

No, no, Tallulah is a fashion maverick.

Oh, excellent. I think you make a great team. You can spend the day working

together on the resort layout.

Ah, of course.

Thank you.

Oil is squirting out of my nipple.

a gas leak in the elevator?

Here you go. We didn't finish our dessert.

Oh, funny. I was going to give you the bird.

Vicki, I can't remember when I've had so much fun. Pop in anytime.

Thank you. Thank you, I will.

Uh, just to clarify, when he says pop in, what he really means is always

check in with me.

Yeah, but that's not what he said. He said pop in.

Anytime. Don't try to confuse me with your words, all right?

A rule is a rule.

What crawled into your cocoa?

She got the pop -in.

Nobody gets the pop -in except me.

I hate her and her bird full of stupid food.

Let me teach you a little something about how to treat the new girl.

Lead with the carrot, not the stick.

Observe.

Hey, Vicki, listen.

Got a little DeMauro tradition. I always buy the newcomer a drink.

You know, just for the Elliot.

What? Just a funny name thing. Anyway, how about that drink?

Elliot, are you asking me out on a date?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Thank God.

Thank God I sleep with a lot of beautiful women, because otherwise that

have hurt my feelings.

That must have been demoralizing.

Come on, that's funny because you're hurt.

Okay, now you have your grape soda. So just sit there quietly while I try and

get some work done.

All right, so clearly it's not just an orange soda problem.

Between you and me and whoever else you think is here.

I brought you here to make an ironic statement.

Now, clearly, it's not panning out, so I'd appreciate it if you...

Excellent.

Could you excuse me for just one moment?

What?

Did you see that? The pop -in. That's the fourth one today.

Finch, it's not a big deal. It is a big deal. If she has the courage to trim his

ears, I'm out of my ass.

I can't get any work done. Why does Tallulah have to be so difficult?

My dad is making you work with her to prove a point. Why don't you just go to

him and admit what you've done? Because then Jack will think I'm being petty and

mean -spirited.

And you brought her here because?

I'm bitter and vindictive. There's a slight difference.

What do you want me to do?

Nothing. Just lure her to the top of the staircase while I spread these marbles

around. Oh, I'm not going to do that.

Oh, fine. Then just keep her busy while I finish the layout for the resort

issue.

All right.

Hey, excuse me. Has anyone seen my crazy person?

I think it's a mistake bringing Vicki into our inner circle. We have no idea

she is. She could be anyone. She could be Canadian.

Dennis, none of that matters. I like her.

My wetsuit has arrived. Right.

Nice.

Oh, you ordered a medium?

Yes. I wear a medium.

I may occasionally wear an extra large for comfort.

But I've been a medium since Buster Crab and I first went bone fishing.

I'll prove it to you, Mr.

Smartmouth. Step outside and guard that door while I leap into this thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I'm just dropping off an article for Jack.

That's cool.

Just as long as you know his office is strictly off -limits.

Look, I don't need your permission to see Jack, and we both know that.

I don't think so, Vivian.

It's Vicky, and I could go in if I want to.

Attention. No entrada.

Verboten.

Okay, that's it. Move.

Don't do it.

Move before I make you move.

You'll be sorry.

Jack,

hide your shame.

Oh, my God.

No, your other shame.

Oh, don't tug on the zipper.

Wow, that's going to attract a lot of fish.

Why would she just barge in here after you told her not to?

So she doesn't respect your privacy or your authority. Big freaking deal. It is

a big deal. She made me look ridiculous.

Now I got to... Clearly reassert your authority?

Precisely, because if I don't... You'll be seen as fat and powerless?

Why not?

Just keep her away from me, Dennis.

But before you leave, hand me the scotch.

I do not want to be sober when they cut me out of this trip.

You set me up.

I said don't go in there.

But it was the way you said it.

Oh, quit your whining, Velma.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns, all right? So ta -ta. Baby, go to

sleep now.

What are you doing?

Oh, don't worry, Finch.

I'm not going to touch you.

I'm just looking for the fear.

What fear?

What I do is figure out what you're most afraid of, then I strike.

You have access to elves?

Answer me!

Since, did you by any chance start a small campfire in the ladies' room?

No.

Damn, she's still here.

You can have fruitcake with rainbow boots, moved really around this office

nobody noticing her.

I don't know.

Oh, Elliot, that was incredible.

You didn't just photograph me. You captured the real person I pretend to

If you're happy, I'm happy.

See? That kind of blatant fawning turns me on.

Too bad you're not my type.

What is your type?

Blonde.

Quirky and slight.

Like Sissy Spacek.

With a penis.

Elliot, you wanted to see me? Yes.

Yes, I've been thinking about our last conversation, and I want to thank you

having the courage of your convictions.

I'm not following.

Come on, you know if this thing happens, look out, right?

We've got this Mediterranean Chianti craziness, and once we uncork that jug,

know we're going to drink it dry.

So it's good.

It's good that you got a policy against dating guys in the office.

I don't have a policy.

And then Vicki says to me, I'm not going to touch you.

What does that mean?

What does it mean when other women say it to you?

It's the way she said it. It may not be bad.

You know, one summer, I had this problem with this Turkish girl at science camp.

Yeah, and you bitched about it until your dad gave you a mountain of cash.

end. Nina, your thoughts?

Oh, my God, she's in the air, Darts.

Watch your back with Vicky. She's evil, man.

She messes with your mind and stomps on your soul.

Have you been crying?

A little, yes.

That's it.

I'm going on the defensive. We're at Finch Con 1, people. Oh, my

God.

He's gorgeous.

Those soft features that blend her neck.

Those tight buttocks. He's pure space.

I'm assuming he has a penis.

When was the last time you ate something?

I don't know. When was June?

Excuse me.

I don't mean to be followed, but are you busy this evening?

What, are you kidding me? Of course I'm not.

Why... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I see what's going on.

Let me guess, you find me attractive.

Yes. Yes, I do.

And you'd like to have relations with me.

If that means sex, then yes.

All right.

I'll have sex with you. But I just want you to know, I'm a very selfish lover.

I start about an hour before you do and finish with lightning speed.

I cry during the act, and afterwards I feel ashamed and take pictures of you,

which I put on the Internet.

You disgust me, and not in a good way.

That's right. Go over there and tell your friend Vicky your plan to humiliate

didn't work.

That's right. Walk right past her like you don't know her.

Get on the elevator like you don't know her.

Oh, my God, you don't know her. Wait.

The Internet part wasn't true.

I'm in so much trouble. I can't find Tallulah anywhere.

Well, she's probably hiding because she's scared. Oh, please. For all we

she could be running around hopped up on pills and brandishing a handgun.

Oh, my God. She stole your purse. Welcome to my nightmare.

Here's the plan.

I stand here and never move.

That way, she can't get me.

Well, what if you have to go to the bathroom?

Got that covered. It's called the trucker's buddy.

I may smell like a nursing home, but I stay on the job.

Come on, man.

You can't let her get to you like this. I mean, sure, earlier today she had me

off my game, but I bounced back.

Have you been drinking?

A little, yes.

What do you want?

Nothing. I know Jack is meeting with Dick Clark, so I wanted to drop off the

thank you gift.

Thank you gift? I don't know anything about a thank you gift.

Jack mentioned that he wanted to give a gift to Mr. Clark for the dive trip, so

I took the liberty of picking something up myself.

So if you don't mind, I'll just bring it in. Oh, I mind.

I mind quite a bit.

Cool. Then be my guest.

That was easy.

Too easy. You want me to give this to Mr. Clark because Jack will be

by its contents and I'll be blamed.

Clever. Fine.

Then I'll bring it in. Well, not quite.

So you can get back into Jack's good graces? Nice try.

Then you take it. Okay, no.

Okay, no. Wait.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

You got me on the freak -out loop.

Where you're all, I'm going to get you.

And I'm all, when's the axe going to drop?

Well, guess what? I'm on to you. There ain't no axe. Because you don't gots to

onions, sister.

So you'll excuse me. I have a package to deliver.

Jack, Mr. Clark, sorry to interrupt, but I picked up the thank you gift for your

gracious host.

Oh, Jack.

This is gorgeous. Glad you like it. Good work, Dennis.

Is there a reason it seems to be bonding to my flesh?

Gallo, if they can't pry this off by New Year's Eve, they're going to destroy

you.

Jack. Dennis, as a result of your monkey shines, I've been uninvited from the

dive trip, the golf tournament, and the omelet party. And I just bought a

platinum whisk.

Jack, it wasn't me.

And anyway, I got two tickets to the Yankee game.

Want to join me?

Wow, a luxury box.

I'll go get my purse.

I'll be waiting in the limo.

You set me up.

Well, I may not got the onions, brother, but I made you cry. So, ta -ta.

Baby, go to sleep now.

This may be none of my business, but I think you should cut Finch some slack.

Why would I want to do that?

He's obsessed with my dad.

Hangs on his every word.

Constantly seeks his approval.

Not that he's ever going to get it, but who can?

And your father's the great withholder.

What? Nothing.

Anyway, Finch is a cockroach, but he's our cockroach.

And my dad means the world to him.

So just take that under consideration.

Listen, maybe I was a little bit harsh on you. Hey, I don't need your pity.

This is defense you're talking to, okay?

I'm a rock in a bulletproof vest in a castle with a moat and guns.

Sticking out.

Anyway, I'm fairly protected.

Hey, I know, I know. I was just going to offer you this ticket, so...

You and Jack can go to the game, maybe mend some fences, but I know you're

probably too proud. Ta -ta! Baby, go to game now.

Oh, hey, Elliot.

Look, it turns out that I'm free tonight, so if you still want to get

drink... Oh, wow, that sounds great.

Unfortunately, I don't have time to indulge your little mind game. I have

plans. You see?

I just met a baroness.

And send what you shall have, m 'lady.