Original subtitles

Okay, can we please get this meeting started?

Dennis, where's the sweet and low?

Right here, Chief.

Just ask all the ladies.

I think he meant the other tiny pink package.

Dad, you could just have equal.

I know I could have equal. I could have honey, molasses, or fructose. I could

fly to Brazil, grab a machete.

And hack myself a stalk of pure cane sugar. But I want sweet and low. But I

can't have that. Because apparently everything I want is irrelevant.

Wow. What's the matter with him?

I'll read between the lines, you idiot. The man really liked sweet and low.

Dad? You know, I stare at this shelf and I think of all the time I spent trying

to win these little brass trinkets.

And I can't help but wonder... What's the point of it all?

Why I don't have more.

Okay, what's going on?

Maya Blush is in trouble.

Our circulation's slipping. The advertisers are bailing. We've had dips

Not like this. We're losing touch with our readers.

The New York Post thinks we're irrelevant.

Let me read to you exactly how irrelevant they think we are.

Very.

Yeah, I checked every office, ransacked the supply closet. I even had to rabbit

punch a diabetic.

But I got to sweet and low.

Dennis, it's about something a little bigger than sweet and low.

Oh, my God.

You hate my coffee.

Hold it together.

Maya, this magazine means everything to me, and I'm not

ready to let it fade away.

Well, how can I help?

That's just the thing.

Usually, when there's a problem, I can reach down into my gut, and I get the

answer. But I don't know. Not this time.

I gotta get out of here.

Michelle, you're gonna have to print these again. They're too dark.

Sorry, Elliot.

I'm just not myself.

Couldn't help noticing the lovely Michelle seems a tad morose.

Could be time to make me move.

What are you talking about? Michelle would never go for you.

Normally, true, but there comes a time in every woman's life when she's so

depressed that the only thing lower than her self -esteem is her standards.

And that, my friend, is Finchie time.

A few quick questions.

How's she doing on the job?

Not so well. Oh, future bleak. Excellent.

Has she been visited by tragedy lately?

Her uncle just passed away. Oh.

Wanted small, wispy man to fill a huge emotional void.

Any physical signs?

She has put on weight. Sweet.

Junk in the trunk of the pinch slam dunk.

Okay.

Too fat for tennis, it's time for the dentist.

You're pathetic.

Little bit of blubber, Finch buys the rubber.

Come on, that's three right off the top.

You guys, my dad is really worried about the magazine. I've never seen him so

upset. We've really got to roll up our sleeves and help him turn this thing

around. Oh, Maya, dear, when a man like Jack gets upset, it can only be about

one thing, and that is his penis.

I have got to go with Nina on this one. No, no, it's not about that. He's

panicked because circulation is down. In his penis. This is not a midlife

crisis. For 30 years, every time he's had a problem, he's always been able to

come up with an answer. And this time he's convinced that he won't be able to

reach down and find it.

Don't make me say it.

Now this.

is the real magazine business.

No board meetings, no focus groups, no payroll.

Just you and the reader.

Pure, simple.

You, sir, are a lucky man.

In my country, I was minister of finance.

I'll have gum.

Yeah, I'll have in style L and blush.

You know what? Forget the blush.

Thank you. Thank you, ma 'am.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help noticing that you didn't buy the blush.

So? Well, I'm just curious, but what's wrong with blush?

I don't know. It used to be good.

Now it sucks.

The clothes are for millionaires, pictures aren't sexy, and you know what?

I don't need 12 ways to pick an orgasm. You got one good one, you're covered.

You are right.

You intrigued me.

Yeah, I'm a delight.

Bye. Are you touching my arm?

I'm sorry. Look, I got a major problem. I don't know what excites young women

anymore, and I need someone like you to show me.

One hour.

Give you a hundred bucks.

Listen, I hear you're going through some hard stuff right now, and I want you to

know that I'm here for you. Really?

You always seem like a self -centered horny pig who stopped at nothing to get

laid.

On the outside.

It's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm doing okay.

Okay? What about the dead uncle who died?

I mean, the tragedy is so terrible.

It's been really hard, but at least he's in a better place now. Yeah, if you

believe in that stuff.

No ball?

No, no, I shouldn't.

There's no should or shouldn't.

Only chocolatey pillows wrapped in coconut hugs.

Oh.

You're a pig.

Ignore him. I think you're lovely.

You've got quite a little punch there, lady.

I'm so sorry about you. I'm Mr. Gallo. I had no idea you owned the magazine.

Forget it. You had a gut reaction, and that's what I'm looking for.

Really? Yeah. Now, when we get up to the office, I want you to tell my staff

exactly what you told me, except that word you called my mother.

It may be true, but it's irrelevant.

All right, everybody, gather round.

I want you all to meet Vicki Costa.

She's going to be sitting in on our staff meeting.

Okay. What do you got? Some great new ideas.

And some cleverly repackaged old ones.

I guess I'll start.

I've reworked my layout. Oh, John, this is some of Elliot's most cutting -edge

work. Maya flatters me, and with good reason.

Okay. It's the 15th century.

Everybody's dying from the Black Plague, except for this woman, who's dying for

Jimmy Choo shoes.

Vicki, what do you think?

I'm not really comfortable.

Oh, come on. We have no egos here, Leonard.

Okay.

They're a little bit confusing.

She hates them. Boring, pretentious, and artsy -fartsy.

Next.

All white. An entire issue in shades of white. White fashions, white rooms,

and... Well, I know it's edgy and possibly illegal.

All white people.

You can't wear white on the subway.

No, you can't. Because if I'm not mistaken, the subway is underground and

White's out.

This is great. This is creative.

Maya, what do you got?

Okay. It's a six -part series called Model Airplane.

Get this.

floor how the most beautiful women on earth prepare for long flights.

We go inside the suitcases, inside the carry -ons, even inside the makeup bags

of supermodels.

Swing and a miss.

I love this girl. I love how we're shaking things up here. Nothing works.

Everything goes.

We're back on track.

What's wrong? Somebody die?

Was it someone close to you?

Vicki, what do you think? Vicki, what do you think? Where did Jack get off of

letting one of his little girlfriends criticize my photos?

I'm Elliot DeMauro. Yeah, and I'm Nina Van Ho... That's your last name?

It's not what you think. You weren't there this morning. If he brought this

woman in, he has a plan.

Oh, yeah, he has a plan.

Undo three buttons, pop a clasp, and board the number two train to hoo -ha

And by that, I mean sex.

Well, thanks. I gotta get back to work. Oh, no, you don't. I want you to work

here for Blush.

Full time.

Look. I'm coming off the worst week of my life. I don't need some rich guy

messing with my head.

Jack, Finch here.

This one's been here longer than ten minutes. If you want, I can call

They'll come up here with their rubber bullets.

Who is this clown?

Miss, I have a can of mace and a coupon for a judo lesson.

Don't make me use them.

Where am I?

Vicki, I'm serious. Something about this feels right.

Are you nuts?

Come on, what do you say?

I'm telling you guys, he probably found her at some hip East Village magazine.

I bet he's considering her for a consulting position.

Oh, yeah, I know that position.

Ankles locked behind head.

And by that, I mean... Hi.

Um, who would I talk to about getting a desk?

Why? What's going on?

Jack just hired me full time.

Oh, wow!

That's exciting!

Right, guys?

Okay, dish it. What magazine did we steal you from?

None. I've never worked for a magazine before.

I work in a hair salon.

A hair salon?

Sorry, I'm a little confused.

It's a place where people who have hair go in.

See, we've all welcomed Vicki to the team.

Come on, I'll give you a tour of the office.

You're still on my list.

Boo!

You're lucky I don't hit girls.

So are you.

I'm petrified yet aroused. It's like a Cher concert.

I just feel like I've hit rock bottom.

Excuse me.

I know it sounds crazy, but I feel very close to you.

What we need is a warm, safe place where you can feel protected.

Let's go to the supply closet.

Oh, no. I've got Oreos.

Fine.

Michelle, I just wanted to tell you the last set of proofs.

was terrific.

Really? No, he's mocking you. You cruel, sick man.

Now let's get you out of these increasingly tight clothes. Not so fast.

She should know that she has a future here.

What good is the future when Pakistan has the bomb?

Listen, you're beautiful, you're talented, you have a life that shines,

never forget that.

Thank you, Elliot.

Maybe life's not so bad.

Maybe there's one little sliver of hope that things are going to be better.

Then I can't do this.

I know.

A hair girl? He hired a hair girl?

It's a slap in the face for everyone who works at this magazine.

Damn right!

We earned our positions here!

masters in journalism from Colombia.

And I've slept with God knows how many heavy men.

Well, my point is we both did it the hard way.

You were so right about my father. He just wants to sleep with her, and here

I've been defending him. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?

Eighteen.

What? Eighteen heavy men.

Excuse me. Maya, Jack wanted me to look over your articles for the coming month.

Vicki, could you come sit down?

Um, I've got something that I need to tell you that may be a little difficult

for you to hear.

The only reason that my father hired you is because you're so attractive.

Look, I don't know if you threatened to something.

But I'm here because he likes my ideas.

Oh, honey, open your eyes. You have no education, no experience. You were hired

off the streets by a chronic womanizer. Believe me, the only reason you are here

is so that my father can ride the number three train to Hee -Haw Land.

Hoo -Haw Land. Hoo -Haw Land.

And by that, we mean sex.

Oh, there's my new girl.

Thick, horny slimeball. You disgust me. Excuse me. I'm not used to being spoken

to like that by someone I'm not married to.

Maya told me why you hired me. I actually believed you wanted my

God, I'm an idiot.

Wait. Wait.

Hey.

Maya, my office right now.

What did you tell that woman?

The truth.

That you wanted to sleep with her? How dare you?

I would never give some woman a key job in the editorial department just because

I wanted to sleep with her.

Accounting, maybe.

Louise, why would you hire a hairstylist?

Because she's raw, she speaks from her gut, and she knows what readers want,

that's good for the magazine.

She's making everyone crazy.

Good. Creative people do their best work when they're angry.

Mozart threw pastries at his cat. No, he didn't. Maybe it was Billy Joel. I

don't care.

My point is, when it comes to hiring people, I trust my instincts, the same

instincts I had when I hired everyone else around here, many of whom did not

have the proper credentials, including you.

What happened?

I think I humiliated my father and destroyed a woman for no good reason.

If it makes you feel any better, I once took a shower with Pavarotti.

19. 19 heavy men.

What do you want? Did you ever make a mistake, like a really big mistake,

you were like... Screw you, Pete!

Your stuff will be out on the street, you cheating sack of crap!

Maybe this is a bad time.

No.

I'm glad you're here.

Oh, good, because I really want to apologize. I made such a big mistake

Grab an end.

Um, you see, I have a very complicated history with my father. I don't know if

you've been in a lot of therapy, but I certainly have.

Just set it down right here.

Okay.

And, um, my father and I, we have...

Thanks. So, you and this peep, a little friction?

Hey, I heard you were down.

Oh, hey, Maya.

I brought you an apple brown Betty. Think we can heat it up?

You're hitting on me.

You think you can slide in because I'm down?

What? That's insane.

I'm here to support and console.

But if things get a little sweet and funky, it's all good.

I can't. I spent all my money on a cab to Brooklyn.

I was hoping to spend the night.

I'm sorry for being a romantic.

All right, I'll take you home. Just sit in the corner and shut up.

So, Pete, he was your boyfriend?

Husband.

Tuesday night I came home, and I found him in bed with my best friend.

Oh, my God.

A week ago, we were talking about growing old together.

Here I am throwing his clothes out the window.

What is wrong with men?

I don't know.

I hate us sometimes.

I'm so sorry. I've done things.

You know, when Jack offered me the job, I thought maybe things were turning

around.

But let's face it.

My life doesn't happen like that.

Terrible things.

No, Vicki, I was wrong. My father, he wasn't after you. He really thinks that

you can help us. I think you should come back.

Who are we kidding?

You said it yourself.

I don't belong there. Neither did I when I started. It's my dad.

He sees things in people that no one else does.

I really trust his instincts.

I'll think about it.

You want to know the kicker?

Pete doesn't even care about Denise.

He used her for a night, and he dropped her like a brick.

How's she taking it?

So these pictures are great, but I was thinking maybe you could cut the side.

They seem a little distracting.

Cut the side because it's distracting?

How about my heart? Does that distract you?

How about my liver? Should I cut that?

How about my eyes, my lungs, my arms, my large intestines?

Surely a pile of bones can't distract you.

Poor Elliot.

He really shouldn't take everything at work so personally.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, because I was looking at the clothes for

next issue, and it's just an opinion, but they're not my favorite.

Oh, at least I have breasts.

I could never have doubted you. You know people.

I guess I do, Maria.

Look how everyone's blending into a team.

Look, I know we got off to a rough start, but what do you say, clean slate?

You know what, Vicki?

On top of everything else, you make a great cup of coffee.

You bitch.