Original subtitles

[tense music]

This is it. We're about to solve the case of...

the Jenga Killer.

One of these bodies holds the clue to finding the killer.

The key to this game is a gentle touch.

♪

- Jenga! - No, Summers, you only shout Jenga

when the stack topples, or during sex.

[pile creaking]

[crashing]

- N-Now? - [sighs]

- Yes. - Jenga! Ew.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

From now on, the only stacking you're gonna

be doing is, well, I guess maybe regular Jenga

if they let you play that in prison.

Looks like you beat him at his own game.

And now that I'm done with my pithy summation, drinks?

Sure, let's go drink because I've got zero obligations,

and there's absolutely nowhere else I need to be.

[trumpet blaring]

[over PA] Good morning, parents and welcome

to the Grimsburg Elementary Hobby Horse...

race, show, tournament? Whatever it is.

They're your kids, and you've got to be here

to watch them run around on fake stick horses.

You're the best horse ever, Cinnamon Rainbow Starship.

[whistle blares]

And they're off. And they're coming around the thing there.

And now they're jumping through tires,

just like real athletes, which they are not.

And that knee slide is a point

or a point deduction. Who cares?

At least they're getting some exercise, right?

[whistle blares]

Third place. Ah, the majesty of bronze.

Dad, I came in third!

Oh, guess he had more important things to do.

Hey everybody, what celebrity does this crouton look like?

You're going to make your feet more purple

than the ones I saw today in the morgue.

Oh, sorry. Just a little on edge.

Grow up around bears, you kind of take on their habits.

And have you ever heard the term "in heat"?

So you're in your horny era. That's fun.

Tell that to the open cabinet door

I ran into and then kept running into.

Oh. We should go out.

You know, hit up a bar, meet somebody not made of wood.

I mean, I guess Flute could watch Stan.

That's one good thing about having him back.

In fact, he's actually watching him right now at his

hobby horse thing, unless I'm supposed to be there.

Am I? Nah, nah.

I don't know, though. A singles night?

I feel like I don't need it that bad.

[grunting]

Ugh, enjoy your hibernation, bitch.

- So I'll pick you up at 7:00? - Yeah, sounds great.

- Chris Evans. - Um, Willem Dafoe?

- No, Tobey Maguire! - Oh, come on.

Tobey Maguire has a weak chin.

Seabiscuit had a stronger jawline than...

wait, Seabiscuit? Horse?

I'm supposed to be at Stan's hobby horse thing!

Or no, wait, was Harmony handling that one?

Yeah. No. Wait.

Yeah. But I should go home anyway.

- OK, well at least leave... - No, the crouton comes with me.

[all groan]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Stan, why are you Roomba-ing down the hallway?

Oh, sorry, Dr. Pentos.

It's just my dad forgot about me again.

- But you know him. - Oh, do I.

For years he came to me for help with his darkest,

most unsolvable cases. And help him I would.

I even bought this scrapbook to capture all of our escapades.

Ah, the key I helped him find behind a dead man's eye.

[sniffs] Still smells like eye.

I assumed this would be filled by now, but alas.

He's been so busy since he returned,

- I hardly ever see him. - Me neither.

I don't think he'd care about me

- unless I were on a milk carton. - That's it.

You have unintentionally

given me the impetus for a foolproof plan.

Step one, we pretend you've been kidnapped.

Step two, I plant clues so deviously diabolic

your father will be forced to solicit my help.

Step three, he and I will join forces

and rekindle our special brand of adversarial friendship

that Hallmark has yet to make a card for.

- [giggles] - And what about me?

You? Oh, you're the bait. That's the most important part.

[tense music]

♪

- Hi. Just getting home from the thing? - Yep. How was your thing?

Oh, great. Everything I was supposed to do today, I did.

Me too, and the things I'm pretty certain

I was not supposed to do,

- I left for you to do. - Me too.

- Love it when we're on the same page. - Same paragraph even.

- I hope you had fun today, Stan. - Love you, Stanny.

He's probably in his room with his headphones on.

And don't worry about that broken cabinet in there.

I'll fix that later.

Fix it real good.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Follow this map to the cabin in Missing Children Forest.

And don't worry, it's only called that

to keep kids from going in there.

But since kids hate being told what to do,

tons have gone in and now they're missing.

So the name is pretty literal now. Have fun.

Well, either your dad finds us alive

or they start a scholarship in your name

at school, and everyone pretends that they liked you.

- I'd say that's a win-win. - Come on.

And make sure we leave prints so my dad could track us.

Did you track mud in the house?

[tense music]

Oh, my God. We've got to find our...

- Wine opener. - These woods are creepy.

- If I had skin, it would be crawling. - Don't worry.

My dad is probably already hot on our heels.

- You look hot in those heels. - Well, get a good look,

because they won't be on for much longer.

Hubba, hubba.

- Shouldn't we be at the cabin by now? - Whoa!

Don't worry.

My dad will find us before you can say

Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious.

Ugh, I don't even care that you're my super

calloused fragile ego ex with halitosis. Come here.

[grunting, chuckles] [music]

[growls]

[chuckles]

- [laughs] Oh. - Oh.

Jenga!

♪ Flute and Harmony sitting in a tree ♪

♪ P-O-R-K-I... ♪

Hey, I just want to say I really owe you one.

Another one?

Well, I'm not sure I could rebound that quickly,

but I did pick up some gas station pills the other day.

It had a rhino on the package, and its horn was a volcano.

No, I owe you for picking up Stan

from his hobby horse race, show, tournament?

Yes, I very much enjoyed the activity itself

as well as bringing our son home from it,

- which I also very much did. - I'll go see if he wants breakfast.

No. What is this, 1950? The mom has to do everything?

Let that sexist kid get it himself.

You should enjoy your day.

I was going to hang out with Wynona.

OK, bye.

[dramatic music]

♪

Oh, crap.

Huh. Maybe my parents are right to ignore me.

I can't even get fake kidnapped right.

My dad will never find me now.

You don't need a dad to find you. We found you.

- We're the Funaways. - The Funaways?

Like runaways but funner.

[screams]

[grunts]

We're kids who ran away from home just like you,

same age peer.

If these guys are kids, I'm a real person with working organs.

[tires screech] [panting]

OMG, he's here. How should I greet him?

Backlit by the window? No.

What about emerging from the shadows? No.

The overhead projector.

Well, well, well.

If it is not he whom I consider to be my arch ene...

- Hey. - I need your help.

Stan's been kidnapped, and the kidnapper

left behind a series of clues that point to him

- being a sick, twisted genius. - Maybe even a super genius?

- I wouldn't go that far. - Yeah, we'll stick with genius.

I'd normally be able to solve them,

but I'm having trouble.

Because they were left by a genius.

No, no, because my mind is elsewhere.

You see, last night, I had sex with Harm.

Oh... well, that is none of my business.

Oh, it was good. I mean, real good.

If the sex we had were a brand of snack cracker,

it would be Wheat Thins.

- We had the Wheat Thins of sex. - Mm, I don't eat crackers.

It was like she was the "Wheel of Fortune,"

and I was buying a vowel, and that vowel was O. Get it?

I'll take game show double entendres for 800, Alex.

I don't get it. But you know who did get it last night?

Anyway, if you need my help, I could probably

- squeeze in a little escapade. - Good, let's go.

Flute and Pentos sitting in a tree.

- S-O-L-V-I-N... - Are you coming?

Yes, I am. Right. Yes.

- What is this place? - Funville, where the only rule is to have fun!

We always have fun

'cause there's no parents watching over us.

- It's just the silly kids. - And the frozen skeletons.

But I ran away because I wanted more attention

- from my parents, not less. - Why?

I want my dad's attention because he always gets busy

at work and forgets about me.

He ignores you. Why care about him?

You're right. I'm not pretend getting kidnapped anymore.

I'm for real running away! Thanks.

- What's your name? - Timmy Tommy.

What a great child's name

for someone who thinks that's what they are.

Hi, can I get a half caf americano

and identify my father's remains?

Oh, and a splash of oat milk.

You had ex sex with Marvin? Tell me everything.

Well, not everything.

I still have to catalog severed feet with him,

- and I don't want it to be weird. - It was chill.

I know humans like to overthink sex,

but for me it's simple.

When a mama bear is in heat, the male sniffs her urine,

they chew each other's heads, and then violently copulate

before going their separate ways.

- Super chill. - To you.

- What about to him? - Oh, he's fine.

Marvin was literally pushing me out the door this morning.

I don't know. You had sex.

- There have to be feelings involved. - No, there aren't, and I'll prove it

by going grizzly style at the bar tonight.

I'll sleep with the first guy who comes up to me.

At the bar tonight alive.

Remember the last time we were here?

We dug up all those corpses looking for a wrist bone

that matched the killer's watchband size.

How fun was that?

- Do you think we'll get back together? - Let's stay focused on that.

If we did, I could move back into the bedroom

and we could play battle farts in the middle of the night

- like the good old days. - Oh, look, a church. Let's go.

Battle farts.

That sounds like a great idea for a game show

where you lip sync with your farts. I smell a hit.

Ooh, I Smell A Hit would be a great name too.

- Wait, Smelt It, Belt It. - Dear God.

Phew, I think I had too much candy for funch.

Hey, do you like "Mortal Kombat"?

- I love Mortal... - Cool. Here's your knife.

Whoever bleeds the least wins. Have fun.

Who would have thought taking candy

from men dressed as children

would have taken such a weird turn? Hm.

[tense music]

- Round one. Fight. - Oh, OK. I guess I lost.

It's not over till someone's bleeding.

Ah!

- I'm sorry. - [screams]

♪ ♪

Ah! [screams]

Jean Claude Van Stan,

that stick looks like Cinnamon Rainbow Starship.

♪ ♪

- Ah! - Jump!

Ah, up, up, down, down!

- [screams] - Forget what I said.

Just do whatever that is.

- OK. - [grunts]

Ow!

[crowd gasps]

No one's ever done that before.

It is as the prophecy foretold.

He even wears the cape.

ALL: All hail the Kool King.

Super great. Nothing bad ever happens to kings.

[eerie music]

Oh look, a numeric code just waiting to be cracked.

But to do so, you must be willing

to slip through the cracks of your own fragile psyche

and confront the darkness that hides within.

Or it might just correspond to this organ.

- Well, last night my organ... - Oh wait, there is a riddle

written on the other side. And it seems perfectly

suited for your current sensual state of mind.

Uh, what two notes would a man play

to signal he is willing to go there with his partner?

When I was single, I was always D to F.

- Down to French. - Oh, how clever.

Play a D and then an F. [plays organ]

OK, it's working. Read the next one.

What's the most desirable cup size?

Obviously one C and one A. Symmetry is overrated.

Wow, this kidnapper knows you well.

[chuckles] Try that.

[plays organ] Almost there.

What spot do women always say men can't find?

No idea what you're talking about.

I mean, I've heard women complain if you have ED,

and they hate it if you don't wear a C because she might

get knocked up, and then

you've got to spend a G to get an A.

Of course, it is her B, her C, at least it used to be.

RIP RBG.

Ugh, it was a long way to get there,

but you landed on G, so let's try that.

[plays organ]

Look at us, huh?

Solving a mystery just like old times.

Doesn't it feel great to come together like this?

Speaking of come together,

did you see that Beatles documentary?

It's so good.

[triumphant music]

♪

All right, what fun stuff are we going to do now?

- Um, where do babies come from? - Hold my feet while I do situps.

It kind of seems like you guys are treating me

- more like a dad than a king. - That's crazy. We hate parents.

Hey, I'm gonna run out to the store.

You can't leave. Nobody leaves.

- But I'm the king. - I said you can't leave!

Oh, let's put on a play.

- ALL: Yeah! - [sighs]

[upbeat music]

This place is nice.

You can't even tell it used to be a jail for kids.

♪ ♪

All right, it's happening.

Tonight, I'm gonna sleep with one of these guys.

And it's great how they all seem

really casual and cool.

♪ ♪

Which was crazy because he wasn't even wearing socks.

- [laughs] - Right? It's like, hello?

I guess the Sock-Wearing Killer was a bit of a misnomer.

[laughter]

Oh, you know, this has been a fun little escapade.

Anyway, there's the cabin. I hope my son isn't dead.

Stan? He's not here.

Oh, look, a three-ring binder of clues.

This is just an annoyingly long list of Airbnb rules.

No shoes in the shower?

No spoons in the dishwasher? Weird.

But hey, maybe we check in here.

What? He's not here.

But he had a map. I... mean, I assume.

Why would you assume he had a map?

Oh, you know children love maps,

ever since that Dora who explore-as.

Fine, Stan and I planned a whole fake kidnapping

so you'd pay attention to us.

But now he's really missing, and it's your fault

because you didn't value our relationship.

- What relationship? - Oh, come on.

Don't pretend you didn't feel it today.

Wow. You're getting more clingy

than Harmony will be after last night.

Oh, yes, how many times has Harmony

tried to call you today? Hm?

If you think you're getting back together with her,

maybe you're the one who is criminally insane.

You take that back.

WebMD says I'm just clinically insane.

Stan, where are you?

Pentos told me everything.

He said you wanted my attention. Well, now you've got my...

huh, what a weird leaf. Cool branch, though.

Can you buy a tree?

Who would you make the check out to?

Wait, what was I doing?

Oh, well, I guess I'll just go home

since I've got zero obligations and there's absolutely

nowhere else I need to be!

Even though this net has literally

turned my frown upside-down,

I'm still very unhappy about this.

And then the astronaut killed the guy

with the laser, and my cat ate a donut

and then my whole class got ice cream,

and my cat liked the donut. The end.

[cheers and applause]

King Stan, we come bearing gifts.

[dramatic music]

Ask him if he's a parent. Seems like he might be

judging by his diminished looks and tired demeanor.

Try looking in a mirror, pal.

We destroyed the mirrors a long time ago

once they started lying to us.

- [grunts] - Halt.

If he is indeed a parent, then let's leave him where he is

and forget about him just like parents do to us.

If I see one of you even look at him,

you'll spend the week in the Funitentiary.

Funderstood?

- But what if they see you? - They won't.

[suspenseful music]

Now let's go.

♪

- Hey. - [gasps]

He's funning away! Get him!

Maybe not every word needs to be changed to fun.

[upbeat music]

The female scans the watering hole

for a suitable mate until a new suitor reveals himself.

[laughs] I'm Garren. Can I let you buy me a drink?

You said the first guy who approached you.

So you like nature documentaries?

No, I hate nature. I'm a voice guy.

- Oh, a voice actor? - No, just a guy who does voices.

I do Borat, Austin Powers, The Rock.

You don't do those in bed, though, do you?

- Yes, baby. - [chuckles] Fun. You know what?

I just heard that woman over there

say she's dying to hear a good Christopher Walken.

[as Christopher Walken] Then she is about to die.

Ugh, fine, you were right. I can't just sleep with anyone.

I guess I just wanted to sleep with Marvin? [gasps]

Does this mean I want to get back together with him?

Calm down.

So you went for some low hanging Flute.

It happens. Just talk to him and lay down some ground rules.

Right. Totally.

We're going to lay it down. On the ground.

No, no, in chairs, just talking,

lots of clothes on.

Thanks, Wynona.

From the gentleman in the hat. Uh, not that one.

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Need a ride?

♪ ♪

Now this is an escapade!

♪ ♪

I'm sorry I bungled this up.

I should not have tried to force things to be the way they used to be.

Hey, maybe we'll never be passionate arch enemies again,

but that doesn't mean we can't settle into some sort of new...

- Relationship? - Dynamic.

And Stan, I'm sorry I missed

- your hobby horse tournament. - That's OK.

I was mad at first, but I had no idea how many

dumb things kids want you to do when you're a dad.

Pfft, you have no idea.

I wish you could have seen yourself at five.

"See yourself." That's it.

They haven't looked in a mirror in decades.

Quick, turn off the lights.

- Wow, we're old. - I need to start an IRA.

I need to eat something other than candy.

Here you go.

Hey, this crouton looks like Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

Yes, yes, that's who I was thinking of!

Well, good luck re-acclimating to society.

Nothing is at all like you remember it, so... bye.

- So about last night... - No, no, no. No need.

I'm not going to assume things are gonna go back to the

way things used to be just because we had mind blowing,

groin scorching, mega sex like we used to have.

Oh, so you're saying we just kind of

chew each other's heads and then go back

to our respective caves?

You took the words right out of my salmon-eating maw.

[man] The male smiles at the female,

an acceptance that this relationship

is where it is right now, and that's OK.

My wife!

sync & correction by f1nc0 -- Addic7ed.com --