Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

Why do we always paint the cabins red?

Because if they were blue, they'd match Tad's bag

after he didn't get any from Cyndy last night.

[laughter]

Let's be counselors every summer for the rest

of our definitely long lives.

[screams]

[screams] Please, no! I told all my friends I wasn't

gonna get murdered this summer!

[screams]

Sounds like you're all getting hacked to pieces

with a machete out here.

♪ ♪

Oh.

This is why we paint the cabins red.

[groans]

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

- Hello, and welcome to my Stan Speak. - [sighs] Another one?

He uses up all my good boba straws as head mics.

I needs my bubble tea.

School's out, which means as parents,

you're forced to figure out something to do with me.

But what if there was another way?

There is! And it's called My Summer of Screens.

My entire vacation spent playing indie games on Steam

while watching Mr. Beast clips,

a TikToker who lives in a trampoline mansion,

and Stanley Tucci wearing linen

while eating his way through Italy.

What about Camp Grimsburg? You're old enough now.

They shut that camp down

- after the slasher outbreak. - What?

And besides, there's too much nature at camp.

- What? Um, a word? - Don't move.

Yeah. That's the plan for the summer.

- I can't believe it. - I know. Camp Grimsburg made me who I am.

It was the single most important character-building experience

of my life besides learning how to beatbox without fainting.

No, I mean Stan wanting to stay inside all summer.

I mean, you don't hibernate this time of year.

It's unnatural.

- The idea that my half-bear kid... - Harm, come on. He's bear-ish.

You know, culturally.

- Well, I'm going to do something about it. - Me too. But for my thing.

I don't care about yours as much.

Now to provide a soundtrack to my determined walk off...

[clears throat]

♪ Let me clear my throat ♪

[beat boxing]

[gasping]

Oh, God.

Listen up.

This week we got the Grimsburg Spider Parade and...

Wynona, you're not a detective.

Do you need me to get the spray bottle again?

- No, no, please, no. - How could you close Camp...

Grimsburg?

That place made me into what I am today.

- A big, fat loser? - No, that's what I was when I arrived at camp.

But by the time I left, I was a big, fat leader.

In fact, I ended up being a counselor there,

helping to shape young lives, and also shape clay bowls

when I filled in for the pottery instructor

because she was off dry humping the kayaking instructor.

And that's what the children of Grimsburg need.

Not the dry humping, but the life-shaping.

Sorry, Flute, but we had to close the camp.

Too many counselors were murdered, even for Grimsburg.

Then what are we waiting for?

- Let's go up there and catch that guy. - Oh, we caught him already.

But the slasher returned. Then the slasher lived.

And a final chapter, a final revenge, and a final beginning.

After he took Manhattan, we had to shut the camp down.

And it worked.

There hasn't been a counselor killed since.

Great, so he moved on.

We'll reopen the camp and slasher proof the place

- in case he comes back. - No!

This sounds like the beginning of a horror movie.

Let's go up to the old, abandoned summer camp?

Did someone say let's go up

- to the old, abandoned summer camp? - Camp would be so fun.

- We got to go. - Uh, wow, who are they?

The new detectives, part of our hot recruit program.

- This department's been getting real fugly. - [giggles] Stop.

- You're getting my boobs wet. - You splashed my crotch first.

- Ooh! [giggling] - Mm, mm.

Pack your stuff. We're going to murder camp.

Not you, Wynona.

♪ ♪

I thought you said we were going out for lunch.

Yes, outside. It's just a short hike.

[eagle screeches]

Mom, you can't force an indoor cat to be an outdoor cat.

Some cats are meant to stay in their room

watching YouTube videos of outdoor cats wearing a GoPro.

This just isn't me.

- I'm bad at nature. - Oh, come on.

It's good for you to be out here.

Nobody is bad at nature.

Ah, ah! [grunts]

Wha...

[yelping]

[groaning]

[panting]

You're OK. We have a backup pair.

[sighs]

[bird clucking]

[ominous music]

This is where I die again.

If you do, I'll be right here to autopsy you.

Wynona, I told you to stay at your morgue.

It's OK. I brought my work with me.

Hey, no fighting because we just went

from coworkers to "co-ounselors."

Welcome to Camp Grimsburg.

Anybody got a sewing kit, so I can let out this crotch?

[upbeat music]

OK, it's time to slasher-proof the camp.

So if you see an item that can be used to slice,

stab, skewer, hang, fillet, or jostle,

we need to make it not be able to do those things.

Hey, Wynona, are you my pants at the end of "Conjuring II"?

Because you're about to get wet.

[screams]

Camp razzing, so fun.

♪ ♪

Camp hijinks. More fun!

♪

Camp misuse of power. The funnest!

I love being a leader.

Can't believe Mom took all my screens.

What am I, Amish?

[distant clattering]

What's happening? Someone better not be

stealing all our good garbage.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[screams]

Stan, it's OK.

Stay calm, and say hello to your grandma.

[roars]

[screaming]

So should I cook, or did you fill up on trash?

Ooh, my turn.

Never have I ever had a crush on Summers.

No one? Never?

- Haven't you ever? - Never have I ever kissed a dead body.

OK. No more communal coffee mugs for me.

[both giggling]

- Where are they going? - They're gonna go play

seven minutes in heaven,

or as you call it, "what are the other six minutes for?"

Well, they're going to miss out

on a hallowed Camp Grimsburg tradition,

the marshmallow roast. I'll go first.

Hi, I'm Wynona, and if I was a Girl Scout cookie,

I'd be a Tagalong because it's the worst cookie

and a perfect description for what I am.

- [guffaws] Ya roasted. - Ow!

Why don't you leave her alone, Flute?

And why don't you tell me what's on top of a table?

You can't because you're small, like a peanut.

Ya honey roasted!

Also like a peanut.

I'm Summers, and I'm annoyingly positive

- no matter what happens. - Cool, a free marshmallow.

All right. That's it.

I'm done LARPing this chump's childhood.

Let's go.

[distant screaming]

[dramatic music]

[all gasp]

They're dead.

Bet you're pretty glad I came now, huh?

Looks like the slasher's back.

- And he took their heads. - Can't blame him.

There's no way he has a hotter pair in his head collection.

Then we're not going anywhere.

There's a killer on the loose, and our next camp activity

is Capture the Maniac.

But first... flashlight tag!

You're it. No way you're going to find me.

Are you guys even trying to find me?

Guys? Guys? Guys?

Guys?

Guys?

Well, the slasher is back, and just like in horror movies,

he took out the overly sexual hotties first.

Maybe if we figure out which trope each of us falls into,

we can get ahead of who he goes after next.

We got the tough chick.

- What did you call me? - The skeptic.

- Prove it. - The scaredy cat.

- Cat, where? - Ooh, who am I?

Oh, we already had a hot guy.

But can there be a hot leader?

What about a cool leader or a cool, hotter leader guy

who's also the fastest? Time me!

Uh, so who usually gets killed next?

Unfortunately, the killers almost always move on to minorities.

So as the token Sasquatch of the group,

- I guess that means me. - Actually, the four of us... oh!

Yep, she's the only minority here.

- That's true. - I don't see any others.

Uh, that's right. She's stealing our America.

- Too far? - You guys, I found footprints.

Anybody get my time on that?

[ominous music]

Oh, no, the tracks end at the Triple Dog Dare Drop.

Should we jump, or are we going to let

a sign tell us what to do?

- That's what signs are designed for. - What's that?

You guys will accept me if I jump first?

[laughs] OK.

I'm fitting in!

- All right. Who's next? - That's it. I'm calling for backup.

- Where's my phone? - Right here.

I took your phone, so you could unplug.

You're all acting like a bunch of screen-agers.

Wait, did I just coin the hot, new phrase?

I'll trademark it and be richer than the guy

who came up with Zoom fatigue.

I got to use one of your phones to call my patent lawyer.

Wait, no, sticking with the plan.

- Ow! - Wait, my charger was in there.

My battery's about to die, and I haven't converted to solar.

Honestly, I just need a weekend to run the numbers,

which I'll never get to do because I'm going to die here.

Yeah, I remember worrying about my finances

before I had screen-ager money.

[soft music]

Aw, did your friends trick you into jumping

off a waterfall too?

[panting]

My grandma! She's terrifying.

Yeah, I thought she'd be more of a Paddington,

you know, maybe a Pooh, but she is full-on "Revenant."

Stan, don't be rude to your grandmother.

She came here to help you learn how to love nature.

But she's a bear. How do you know she won't eat me?

Please. You're much too small.

Most of your body weight is cape.

Come on. You can do this.

Stan, don't give in. She's gaslighting you.

First you get some fresh air,

then your mental health improves,

and then what happens to me, hmm?

I lay dormant until you accidentally see

someone get run over by a bus?

Oh, good. We're lost.

Check that slasher movie cliché off the list.

Next it's person going missing, and we'll be at,

"seriously, guys, it's not funny anymore," soon enough.

Oh, and look at that, an abandoned cabin.

- Right on time. - Hey, there, little friend.

You want to join the cuddle crew?

You think you can cut it? It's a pretty cuddly crew.

Whoever lives here is a real talent.

I'm talking Maroon 5 level.

This guy's got moves like Jagger, but for crafts.

[dramatic music]

And is obviously a psychopath, like Adam Levine.

But look at the craftsmanship on this popsicle stick

model of the entire camp.

Huh. Loser's hoisted on the flagpole.

Classic camp game. Takes me back.

[distant laughter]

This wedgie is reversing my puberty.

[guffawing]

Aw, come on. Those are my only clothes.

I didn't pack well.

My name's not Stinky. It's Stinkowski.

Oh, wait, I remember him. Stinky.

I wonder what happened to Stinky?

He's probably still all smelly.

That's Stinky for you.

♪

So he grew up to... oh, right.

Now I'm up to speed.

♪ ♪

[campers screaming]

Who did this to you?

- You did. - Oh.

So, wait, can I ask you, how much does a slasher make?

Basically, anything you find in your victims' pockets you can keep.

Everything in their cabins is up for grabs too.

A lot of my income comes from reselling their stuff

on nextdoor.com.

I know, it's mostly boomers and fascists,

but that's where the buyers are.

Right, right, well, good seeing you.

- Catch you later. - Not if I catch you first.

- So you created this monster, Flute? - Well, um...

maybe.

You're always talking about live streaming.

Here, you're literally in a live stream.

Go! Play with grandma.

[growls]

Uh, not to human-splain, but the water flow is too wide.

You need an obstruction! It's like in Minecraft.

What could we use? Uh, oh, that could work.

Use rock. Put there.

[growls]

She's doing it. She understood me.

Did I just speak bear?

[soft music]

♪

Yeah!

Maybe you're right. Maybe I am an outside kid.

Go, follow that bear into the woods.

Just be home before winter.

No, I'm kidding. I was trying to be a cool mom,

but I do want to see you before then.

- Wait, you can't go. - This is all your fault.

If it wasn't for you, those hot recruits would still be alive... and hot.

Well, at least we finally figured out

which movie trope you are.

- You're the bully. - Bully?

The last person who called me that

got an atomic wedgie, a nuclear noogie,

and a half-assed swirly in the sink.

I was pretty tired after the first two.

[tires squeal]

Thank you for pulling over.

We're trying to... What the...

I know I'm unflappable, but consider me flapped.

I didn't need those guys anyway

because now it's very clear which trope I am.

I'm the final girl.

And to celebrate, I'm going to go take

a shower with lots of suds.

[tense music]

[clattering]

Wait, is somebody there?

Seriously, guys, it's not funny anymore.

Ah!

Ahh!

♪ ♪

[yelps]

♪

Right, we plastic wrapped the lake,

so the slasher couldn't drown anyone.

[plastic squeaking]

[tense music]

Counselor Flute.

Remember me?

Triangle cabin, bunk 11, Stinky?

You thought it was funny when you tricked me into sitting

on a chocolate bar before the talent show

and told everybody my talent was pooping in my pants.

Yes, poop is always funny. Name a time it's not.

And don't say "during a dental cleaning" because I got a story.

Wait, wait, please, at least let me make it up to you.

I'll give you the camp experience you never had,

and then you can kill me.

I was really planning to do this at peak killing anger,

so I don't want to lose that.

But I think I can tap into it again. OK.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[laughs]

[crickets chirping]

♪

- Have you ever, like, tongue kissed? - Dude, I've gone all the way.

- This is the best day of my life. - Mine too.

- But you're still going to die. - For sure.

[phone chimes]

Are you aware that you have four screens open?

Uh, yes, bitch. I earned it with some great parenting.

Plus, I'm an adult, so my brain's already wrecked.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Ms. Flute, we have a problem.

Please don't shoot her.

- Yes, she's tasted human flesh, but... - It's not a she.

Stan, stay calm. You're OK.

[growls]

Mom, what do we do?

[growls] [gasps]

I am not eating my young. Who do you think I am,

Bear 1425 from the west-facing caves?

[growling]

Then just abandon him?

Oh, ho, ho, of course that's your answer.

That's what you did to me when I was 12.

And before you start huffing,

I know that's how bears raise their young.

But I was the one who got adopted and had

to suddenly live inside a house when all I knew

was the outdoors.

Just like Stan has no idea what to do out here.

Ugh! Hang on, baby, I'm coming.

I was just trying to do what you wanted.

And now I'm up here, and the view's nice,

but it's way too high.

And I saw some birds and maybe half a cloud under me.

- And that kind of messed with my head. - No, this is all my fault.

I was worried that you were too indoors, so I pushed you,

and that made you too outdoors.

I should have found a happy middle ground,

one that's just right.

Oh, like in that Goldilocks story.

No, no, we don't talk about that.

Look, I need to respect that you are an inside kid.

But you need to respect that sometimes

it's a mom's job to push you.

I just need to find the right level.

- How's this? - How's what?

[screams]

Whoo!

That felt good. Maybe too good.

[dramatic music]

Today was exactly what I thought camp was going to be like.

I'm not sure I can kill you now.

Well, you won't hear any arguments from me.

Or my dental hygienist. She's made it very clear that

- she wants to pull the trigger. - Oh, no, I'm going to kill you.

Just not right now.

Because first, I'm gonna finally humiliate you

in front of all your friends

for the good old-fashioned Camp Grimsburg marshmallow roast.

I'll go first.

Looks like you've gained some weight, Flute.

What have you been doing since camp, eating other camps?

- Ya roasted! - Ow!

So who's next? Come on.

I know you all hate him. Roast him!

No, I won't let you subject them to that.

It's way too hard to come up with anything

- but compliments for me. - You are pretty stupid.

Your mustache has food in it.

You're off-putting socially, personally, hygienically.

Clearly, they're grasping at straws here, so I'll roast myself.

Hmm, what to say about myself?

Hey, Flute, when you meet a date,

do you say, "Your ex's basement or mine?"

[laughs] I'm roasted.

Hey, Flute, the gorilla cage at the zoo called.

It wants its stench back. I'm roasted.

Hey, Flute, a cage actually can't make a phone call, idiot.

- I'm roasted. - No, stop.

This isn't how it goes.

It doesn't hurt if you're in on it.

Maybe not, but does this hurt?

Potato bomb, my partner, pronto!

♪

Oh.

♪ ♪

Oh.

♪

Now let's see the twisted, malformed visage

that matches your hideous, gnarled soul.

[gasps] The super hot recruit!

But we saw your hot, dead body.

You saw "a" hot, dead body with no head.

You'd be shocked what influencers

will do if you promise you can increase engagement.

I guess you guys were right.

We should have kept this place closed.

Sorry I bullied you all into coming up here.

Well, we did learn a little about ourselves.

Yeah, I learned that the scaredy cat could end up being the hero dog.

And I learned that even though I'm

not technically one of the gang, I'm still one of the gang.

And I learned that killing is not OK,

no matter how badly someone embarrassed you as a child.

- Thanks, guys. - And that is what camp is all about.

- Uh, Flute? - Hold on.

I learned I was a bully, and now I want to change that.

- Flute. - Quiet.

And so we all came up to camp one person, but we're leaving...

- Flute, he's getting away. - Right.

But we're leaving as different people.

Come back. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, guys. So I caught a fish.

- Oh, that's great, sweetie. - No, I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to my Stan stans, all two of them.

Sorry, guys.

Now, let's attach a GoPro to this thing

and flush it down the toilet.

Yeah, there's no way that'll fit.

I tried flushing something that size earlier.

Did not go well.

Oh, I love Grimsburg in the summer.

- Smells like French fries. - Yeah.

You can really smell the power station tonight, huh?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

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