Original subtitles

This is so boring.

Yeah, nobody ever wants to play with us.

[barks] [dramatic music]

Look! [sniffs]

[whines]

Oh, my God. We can play two-on-two!

[upbeat music]

- Whoa! - Pass it, Hockey Dog! I'm open!

- All right! - Get it, Hockey Dog!

Yeah!

[laughs]

Great job, Hockey Dog. You're a real winner.

Hooray for friendship!

[barking]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[glass shatters]

Well, with the one Hockey Dog found,

that's four victims this week.

No link besides the scratches on their palms.

Don't bother, Summers.

Flute's already deep in his crime mind.

Or chasing the mailman.

[echoing]

Welcome to "Are You Smarter Than a Murderer?"

I'm Steve Harvey, and this is the best game show

I've ever hosted this week.

- Let's meet our contestant. - Hi, I'm Marvin Flute.

I'm excited to play and more excited to win,

because I never lose anything, except my wallet,

my temper, and my virginity at 13 to a vacuum cleaner.

Sent me to the ER, but still,

first in my friend group to lose it, so I won.

Would love to delve into that,

but I'm hosting "Celebrity Pasta Slurp-Off,"

and Leighton Meester ain't gonna wait for that bucatini.

Let's play! Spanx on the floor. [buzzer dings]

The victim had been trying to squeeze into a slim dress.

Correct. [bell dings]

Wine stain on her purse.

Based on the spatter pattern, that stain could only come

from one thing: someone who barely touched their dinner,

had a few too many, and is drunkenly flailing

on a dance floor to "YMCA."

Correct. And in that purse, there was rice.

She went to a wedding!

Congratulations. You won a possible lead.

So is there a regular "Slurp-Off,"

or is it just celebrities, and where can I send my slurp tape?

And wait, there's... I have more questions.

The vic went to a wedding the night of her murder.

The other victims had also recently attended weddings.

And they all had scratches on their palms,

as if they were clamoring to grab a wedding bouquet!

Someone's targeting bouquet catchers.

Looks like we got ourselves a serial killer.

Yeah, we really gotta stop doing that.

[tense music]

Okay, I'll make this fast.

- Make it fast, would you? - Yes.

- Thanks. - The Bouquet Butcher's on the loose,

- and there's a big wedding this week. - How big?

- Very big. The killer will be there... - And so should we.

- We catch that bouquet... - Well, we catch the killer.

- Any questions? - Why are we walking in a circle?

Listen up. We're going undercover at a wedding,

and we need to send in the detective

who gives us the best chance to catch the bouquet...

me! I'm built for this.

Oh, I'm excited to see you in action.

You haven't been out in the field since way back

- when Clarissa explained it all. - You're in for a treat.

Back in the day, I won an award for Best Undercover Detective.

The award is undercover as a clock.

Flute, you and I will go as a couple.

Oh, you two do look like a couple.

A couple of people who definitely aren't a couple.

Don't worry, I can fake sexual chemistry with anything.

Watch this.

[everyone oohs]

- Martinez? - Whatever you need, Chief.

I can be the flower girl, DJ.

Maybe you bake me in the cake, I pop out, cuff the perp...

- You're gonna be the pastor. - Got it. Just enrolled in seminary school.

The rest of you will be going undercover

- as the wedding band. - I don't know, Chief.

Don't you think we're a little too big

to be going undercover as a wedding ring?

I got this. Hey, Summers.

Hey, you got something on your neck, buddy.

Oh, that's just my power... [speech slurring]

As the wedding band, you'll have the perfect vantage

point from the stage to spot anything suspicious.

And to get you ready,

I hired the best music teacher in Grimsburg!

[upbeat keytar solo]

You are no longer detectives!

From today henceforth you will be known as... Wed Zeppelin.

I haven't been to a wedding since I officiated mine.

Saved a ton, skipped the boring parts, and nobody got

to tell me when I could or could not kiss the bride.

Not starting my marriage getting ordered around by a virgin.

Hey. I'm Terry, uncle of the bride.

I'm Mark Milkshack, and this is my girlfriend,

- Teresa Smoothé. - I don't see you on the list.

- How do you know the couple? - Uh...

I'm the mother of the bride. [chuckles]

So you're my sister?

[laughs] You think your sister is the bride's actual mother?

She's been lying to you this whole time, Uncle Terry,

or should I say, Terry, the guy who got duped

into working the door at a stranger's wedding

when he could be out on the lake windsurfing.

You're right! Whoo-hoo-hoo! [laughs]

You know, I feel bad her uncle is gonna miss this,

but statistically, he's probably a pervert.

Remember, keep an eye out for anyone suspicious.

Hey, no sitting on the equipment!

- Does that say "chair" on it? - I mean, do any chairs?

- I'm guessing you're the A/V guy? - No, I'm the A/V guy.

I just did four weddings back-to-back.

Lemme tell ya, it was murder.

[suspenseful music]

Everybody dropping the mic at the end of their toasts.

What if I came to your house and dropped your baby on its head?

- That would be much worse. - Agree to disagree.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been waiting in the practice room!

We're not actually gonna practice.

- I thought we were just lip-syncing. - But it must be believable.

Because if one person does not believe

we are a real band playing cover songs,

the entire operation will be compromised!

Now to the practice room. The work starts yesterday!

[gasps] That was a day ago! [chatter]

Let's keep an eye out for anything suspicious.

Or those tiny little hamburgers.

Oh, and this is really important:

make sure you throw away the napkins,

so they don't know how many we've already had.

By the way, I know I kind of beefed it before,

but I just have to relax and not overthink it.

I'll go get us some wine.

No, that's how I walk.

But how does Teresa Smoothé walk?

[soft music]

Wow. She is a tall drink of useless.

What the Helena Bonham Carter?

So there I am, butt naked...

can you excuse me for a sec?

- What are you doing here? - Shh!

I'm wedding crashing. Like the movie.

Like the movie? I love the movie!

It's the perfect combination of raunch and heart,

with a tasteful amount of nudity.

- But what are you doing here? - I told you, I'm wedding crashing.

- Like the movie. - Yes, Harmony.

I loved it. Weren't you listening?

Vince Vaughn turns in a tour de force performance,

while Rachel McAdams is the film's beating heart.

Marvin, I am wedding crashing.

Here. At this current moment.

Oh, like the movie. I love that movie. [smacks lips]

Wow, so this is who you are now?

A lady who sneaks into strangers' weddings for fun?

Yes, Marvin. I am, because I'm fun.

- I was the fun one in our marriage. - [scoffs] You?

The fun one? Marriage? In our? Was?

[chuckles] Ha!

- I was the fun one. - Oh, please. Look at you.

You can't even have fun at a wedding.

Oh, really? I'll have so much fun at this wedding that when

people ask for my number... and they all will...

they'll save it in their phones as Funmaster Flex.

Oh, you wanna do this? Let's do this.

Fun-petition begins now.

And yes, that is the more fun way to describe a fun competition.

Wrong, competish-fun is way better.

Point for me. One-nothing.

Ooh, make that two-nothing.

[grunts]

Oh, wow, my teeth are having so much fun.

[grimaces] And so is my brain. [pop]

Ooh, and now my dislocated knee is too.

Five-zip! I'm just funning up the score.

[soft organ music]

Harmony thinks she's the fun one in our relationship?

Well, then what's this?

Would you cut it out? We're undercover.

Which means you don't know Harmony,

and I'm about to get found out because I don't know

if Teresa Smoothé cries at weddings or not.

I'll just split the difference.

♪ ♪

Too bad she doesn't look absolutely perfect in that.

[laughter] You're fun.

Oh... oh yeah? Well, I think it's too bad

she looks like an absolute swamp monster. [coughs]

That guy's fun. Life of the party.

She does look like a monster.

I think he meant that as a joke to prove that he's fun.

Well, I didn't. She's hideous, and I'm going home to barf.

Good evening, my children.

I hope you're all prepared to eat the body of Christ,

drink the blood of Christ, and just generally welcome

a lot of Christ into your digestive system.

[Kool & the Gang's "Celebration" playing]

♪ ♪

You call that not playing?

You might as well really not be playing,

if you're going to be fake playing that bad!

- Summers? - Oh, sure thing, Maestro.

Thank you.

Is this a sting operation or a stink operation?

Summers, how can a computer not keep time?

Wynona, your keyboard skills are like your love life...

nonexistent!

And Kang, tone down the raw sexuality! It's a triangle.

I need the ding, and all I'm getting is dong!

Why do you think I shroud myself in this oversized parka?

It's just safer for all of us.

Do any of you know what's on the line here?

- Stopping a murderer? - Starting the party!

That is the wedding band's sacred responsibility!

[laughs] I'm sorry.

Do you mind fetching me one more?

- Uh, this is for sitting, though, right? - Um.

I know what you're all wondering:

"Is Teresa Smoothé left-handed or right?"

Well, obviously there is a very simple answer to that,

which will fit perfectly with everything you've seen from me so far.

The wedding dinner is the perfect place to get my fun on.

Watch me start a lively conversation

that'll take us from a table of strangers

to lifelong friends who summer together on a gross lake.

So harvesting fetal tissue for stem cell research.

How do we feel about that, huh? Huh?

[mic rings] Hi.

So I'll keep it short, 'cause I know we all wanna see

this guy out on the dance floor.

Can she do this? Like, isn't this a violation of wedding laws?

Just relax and enjoy the dinner.

Um, and my last rule for a successful marriage...

never go to bed angry,

unless he doesn't let you watch your shows.

And she watches shows! [laughs]

I do! [laughs] I love watching shows.

And we like watching things too,

especially you two,

finding each other in law school,

falling in love, and becoming partners

in the law firm of Happily, Ever, and After.

Oh, good thing I wore this waterproof mascara.

I didn't.

Now let's party! [cheers and applause]

[dark music]

[Kool & the Gang's "Celebration" playing]

They're buying it! I guess all your physical

- and mental abuse was justified. - It was.

Kang, please! There are children!

Hello, my child. Anything you'd like to confess?

I'm running a special on murders.

- Klaren, let's start a conga line. - [laughing] Oh, you're so fun!

Don't you wanna join in on the fun?

[grunts] No thanks. I'm starting a funner conga line

where we hold each other's butts.

Somebody grab my... ooh!

One song left.

Are you thinking what I am thinking?

Right then, lads! Let's tear the bloody house down, yeah?

["The Chicken Dance" playing]

I know it's silly,

but I've been dreaming of this since I was a...

- Out of the way, lovebirds! - Hey!

- What the... - Give it up, Flute. I'm clearly the fun one here.

Uh, please, I've got fun coming out of my pores.

Those are just blackheads.

Which are way more fun to pop than whiteheads.

Faster!

[song speeds up]

- Just quit. - I won't quit until Stan has to bury one of us.

You'll never finish at this pace.

Maybe you forgot, but in our marriage,

you were the one who never finished.

- I always did. - I don't think that's something to brag about.

Probably, but chickens are not that smart.

[clucking]

Are you... oh, my... you're flying!

I am flying. And you stopped.

I beat you, and gravity, and probably evolution.

And... and I don't know how to land this thing.

Oh. Uh, somebody help me. I'm gonna crash!

[thud]

[cheers and applause]

We'll be right back after a quick break.

Let's talk to the bartender,

see what he knows about these murders.

[laughs] You're incredible!

I've never seen a better lip-sync band.

And I should know, because I've been lip-syncing

this whole time.

[goofy voice] Sign here. I'll take you to the top of the charts.

This is what we've been working towards

our entire afternoon!

There's no way it can all come crashing down.

Can I have your autograph? Uh, right here.

Stay away from my future husband,

if I ever get the courage to tell him!

Shirley Temple. Make it a double.

- Haven't you had enough? - You work for me!

Kang, the camera loves you. Why don't you come to the front?

So now he is the front man?

We're just Kang and the Gang?

- I quit. - Meet your son.

He's got your lack of a smile and your outerwear.

Call my lawyer. He'll set you up with an NDA

- and a college fund. - Let him have his fun.

I'm too busy with my brand. I've gone viral.

[slurring] This is my family.

My aunt Shirley. My uncle Temple.

You have replaced me with Gerard Way?

Maybe there's room for two front men.

No, we either do it my way or the Gerard Way.

Exactly. Let's go!

We're back from our break.

Who's ready to "Cha Cha Slide"?

You know, one day we're gonna look back on this and laugh.

Probably because of something I said or did,

because I clearly won the fun-petition.

Uh, not if I catch this thing.

Everybody loves the bouquet catcher.

[mysterious music]

You got this. Don't even waste a second thinking about

how you screwed up everything else so far.

Oh, God, the bouquet toss!

Ooh, somebody's getting nervous he's about to lose.

I'm serious. You can't catch it.

Wait, this isn't about the fun-petition at all, is it?

[gasps] You're afraid I'll get married again.

What? No, there's a mur...

- Wait, would you get married again? - I mean, yeah. Eventually.

- To someone other than me? - Yes.

- Before I die? - Based on your diet, maybe.

And what, he and I will share the basement?

What? No. He'll sleep in my bedroom, and you'd move on.

What, did you think you were gonna live in my basement forever?

What? No. It's not like I just put a non-refundable

deposit towards building a breakfast nook in the basement.

Oh, my God, Stan's college fund is even more gone.

Good luck. Here's to true love.

[cheering]

[tense music]

- [gasps] - [grunts]

[guests screaming] [dramatic music]

[barks]

- [gasps] Oh! - Harmony caught the bouquet.

That means she's gonna suffer the worst fate imaginable.

Oh, you mean get married?

Ba dum tss.

No, but she is in a lot of danger.

- Here's your vodka bread bowl. - It's the perfect drink,

'cause the bread soaks up the alcohol twice.

[groans] I can't believe

Harmony's next in line to get murdered

and married... neither of which sound fun,

and yet she still beat me.

[slurps] No, I'm the real loser here.

I thought I could be back in the field, but I choked.

If I was a better pastor,

the murderer would have already confessed to me.

I wish I could choke on something and die.

That's how a musician is supposed to leave the band!

Speaking of dying, who's watching Harmony?

[all gasp] Oh, God, Harmony!

Ugh, so tasty, but so structurally unsound.

I heard there's an after-party. We have to go.

Maybe you'll meet your future husband!

You're not going anywhere. I've been looking for you.

- You're gonna pay. - Bocka brebbull.

[grunts]

[gasps] I did something undercover!

- And I won another award. - She's gonna pay!

Seems like they got this.

Come on. We should get outta here.

See you at the after-party, I guess.

What is going on? Aren't you guys a wedding band,

a normal couple, and a pastor?

And which one of you is paying me?

- Paying you? - Yeah. The blonde speech lady made

a big show and dented my mic. Now I gotta get a replacement.

I just can't stand wedding crashers like those two,

- coming in here... - Those two?

- No. Klaren's a guest. - [scoffs] Yeah, and I'm an IT guy.

That woman's crashed the past four weddings I've worked.

[tense music]

Finally. [sighs] It's just me and...

Commandeering this vehicle.

We're all detectives, and we're also all too drunk to drive.

What? Aren't you guys the band?

[scoffs] We were. But then we let our egos get in the way.

And learned that sometimes, when you hit play,

it's hard to hit stop.

We would have loved this limo back in the day.

Way back when, 40 minutes ago.

It is better to have rocked and lost

than never to have rolled at all.

Wait, does this mean you weren't even a real pastor?

You really thought I was a pastor?

- Only because you told us you were! - Oh, bless you both.

[ominous music]

[laughs] No, you lose.

- You made a face. - You made a face too.

[laughs] You're so fun.

- That's what I've been saying. - Oh, man.

It sucks we can't hang out anymore.

- Why not? - 'Cause I'm not some weirdo

who hangs out with corpses.

Whoa. Oh, whoops. Skipped a step.

I meant to tell you, I have to kill you.

[gasps] Wait, is this a new drinking game?

Let me find a knife too. Okay. Uh, will a spoon work?

This isn't a game. This is my chance at happiness,

and you ruined it by catching that bouquet.

I'm supposed to get married next.

I subscribe to all the magazines.

I've been a bridesmaid so many times,

I have 27 dresses! Like the movie.

Like the movie? Duh, I loved it.

It's Katherine Heigl at her most charming.

But please don't kill me!

I've gone to every wedding in town trying to catch one,

but there's always someone like you who steals my bouquet,

someone who's gonna have my wedding, my perfect life!

I'm tired of losing.

- It's my turn to win! - Stop.

Harmony didn't catch the bouquet.

Yes, she did. I was there. I saw it.

You saw her catch a bouquet.

But what you didn't know was that the pastor wasn't licensed.

She's an undercover officer, which means...

Which means their marriage wasn't official,

so the bouquet was devoid of all matrimonial magic.

Exactly. But this one is real.

I am a licensed officiant.

So I started the ceremony on the way over,

and it's time to wrap it up.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Pentos.

[dramatic beat] No! I forgot the tape player!

This might be crazy, but what if we actually

- played our instruments? - It just might work!

[strange "Bridal Chorus" rendition]

Bouquet toss.

♪ ♪

I did it! I'm gonna get married!

Where you're going, orange is the new white.

I'll be honest, I came up with that in the car.

I had one in the ball and chain area, but it felt too obvious.

And I would have had more, but those two

were yapping the whole time.

- We were doing our vows. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and you look radiant, by the way.

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

Hey, I guess you saved my life or whatever, so thanks.

Just doing my job as a detective

and an ex-husband who would hate

to see anything happen to you.

You know, after watching the twisted way

Klaren treated marriage,

I realized we've been looking at our divorce wrong.

- We don't need to be so comp... - Competitive!

We said it at the same time, so it's a tie.

And it wasn't much of a competition.

You always were the fun one.

- You win. - Hey, we're both winners,

because at least we're not married.

[both laugh]

When I'm right, I'm right, you know?

- Ours will be different. - Talk to us in two years.

Uh, pro tip: don't have a kid.

Locks you in way longer than you need to be there.

[both laugh]

- Ahh. - Where is Stan?

Klaren, are you reading more wedding magazines?

Well, it's coming up. Somebody's gotta plan it.

I'm thinking barn style.

Like, mason jars instead of wine glasses.

Oh, and wedding bands made of twine. Look.

Oh, I love it. Now can you tell me again about

the chicken man at the wedding?

Why do you always ask me about that?

There was a man who did

the chicken dance so hard that he flew, duh.

Delusions resistant to treatment. Increase dosage.

Also get mason jars. Could be fun.

sync & correction by f1nc0 -- Addic7ed.com --