Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

Hot cocoa...

it's warm, sweet, and feels good in your tummy.

But what doesn't feel good in your tummy?

A sharpened moose femur wielded by a crazed ritualistic killer.

This is the fifth animal-bone murder here in Grimsburg,

the work of an unknown serial killer

who the media are calling... the Boner.

[dramatic sting]

With KGRM Homicides-On-The-Ones,

- I'm Harmony Flute. - And I'm her ex-husband, Marvin Flute,

Grimsburg's greatest detective who's back

from a much-needed nervous breakdown

- to make this town safer and handsomer. - Flute, I was just signing off.

And I'll get my hands on this Boner, no matter how hard it gets.

- Over to you, Hank. - Oh, you always do this.

It's always the Flute show.

I'm the one who gets to throw the anchor.

And who is Hank? We don't even have a Hank.

[scoffs] Well, you should look into getting one.

Hank is a strong anchor name.

Ends with a K, like the word fork, the most masculine utensil of all.

And pork, the most masculine meat.

And of course, sink, the most masculine place to urinate.

- How about suck? As in you. - Now you get it.

Oh, you know who'd love this game?

- We don't have a Hank! - Hank.

Heh. Back to you, Hank.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

"The Flute Show." Please.

- It's not all about me, right? - Well...

Exactly. Thank you. [clattering in distance]

Wait, you hear that?

[grunts] Freeze, put...

- my hands up? - Cut!

OK, take five, everyone.

Well, well, Detective Flute himself.

I'm a big fan of your work.

Likewise... meaning, I'm a big fan of my work,

'cause I don't know who the hell you are.

Bertram Figg. I'm making a limited series

based on the Boner case, and you're the main character.

I'd watch the hell out of that, even if it's on Pluto.

Oh, God, it's not on Pluto, is it?

Wait, that guy's supposed to be me?

You're right. Wardrobe, makeup, hair!

We've gotta make our Flute much fatter and dumpier, please.

- Getting closer. - [grumbles]

ALL: Fathers!

ALL: Sons!

- ALL: Fathers! - [sighs]

I wish my dad had time to play with me.

Don't worry, Stanners.

That's what imaginary bad influences are for.

What do you say we go loosen some bolts on the monkey bars?

Maybe we could do a little fecal graffiti.

It's a beautiful day in the park. We can do it all.

[all laughing] Son.

[all laughing] Dad.

You just sold the IP freely to this guy

without consulting me on casting?

Did they even go out to Miles Teller?

He is the mustache guy right now.

Sorry, Flute, Chief needs the money

for her latest conspiracy theory.

Yeah, I've got my eye on this tank.

Oh, try to vaccinate me in this bad boy.

But I haven't solved the case yet.

You better, or that's what the world will see.

It's true crime, and I take the "true" part seriously.

That's my rule.

That and never ask a grip where he was on January 6.

This is so cool. So who's playing me in the series?

I get Idris Elba a lot. [chuckles]

I didn't feel you were a vital part of the narrative,

so in the show, Flute works alone.

But you just said you want it to be true.

Ah-buh-buh-buh, just true enough,

which is why I made your character

into a refurbished Fitbit

that Flute never wanted and hates.

You're the Madness Consultant on this shoot, right?

Well, I wasn't supposed to be,

but the psychiatrist they hired had to drop out

because he was mysteriously poisoned.

- Such a pity. - Uh-huh, cool.

So I was thinking of this outfit for the killer.

Oh, God, no. He's a pathological,

clinically disturbed maniac

with a penchant for skeleto-zoological homicide,

not a dork.

- Mmm, this looks benignly ethnic. - It's a taquito.

Arleen, I have always believed cruelty

was humanity's greatest gift to itself,

but now I know that it is...

taquitos!

[gentle flute music]

♪

Ah! Home invasion!

It's OK, Flute, he's the actor from the TV show.

Kip Deegan, pleasure.

Displeasure. Why are you in my house?

- My house. - Her house.

It doesn't matter whose house it is.

I just thought I'd observe you in your everyday life.

See, I'm trained in the Jeremy Strong school of acting,

where you immerse yourself in the role

in a way that's incredibly irritating to everyone around you.

"Flute's Ex-Wife"? That's my character's name?

Yeah, they should change it to Hank.

Being your ex-wife is not even in the top three

most interesting things about me.

One, I was raised by bears.

Two, I'm great at parkour...

probably because of all the climbing I did

while I was being raised by bears.

And six, I'm not great at numbers

because I was homeschooled by a bunch of bears.

Ugh, I have to go to work.

[growling, panting]

[phone chimes]

Damn it, they found another body.

- Boner alert. - Boner alert.

No, do less. Throw the Boner away.

Bonah aluht. Booner aloyt.

- No, still too much. - Baner alart.

Is that Southern? I speak in...

- Boner alert. - Midland American English.

Eh, forget it.

[in English accent] Just try to stay out of me way.

[groans] Now you're in my head.

Hey, hey, hey, you're sounding great, man.

Uh, you may wanna explore the space a little more.

- Thanks, Jeremy. - Please, call me Table.

[brakes screech]

I wiped down those shelves for you, Bertram.

Thanks, Harv, much better.

I was seeing a lot of fingerprints.

Wait, he wiped the prints?

I need those to be the hero.

Fingerprints are the faces of the fingers.

And nails are like the skulls.

I think this knuckle is the butt.

And this one... wait, why are there three bodies?

Oh, they hired me as the corpse wrangler,

so I'm just showing them some options.

I scanned and cross-referenced the murder weapon, Flute.

He's not Flute. I'm Flute.

Wow, it's like I'm looking in a mirror.

But you're in front of it, and I'm off to the side going, "Wow."

- Anyway, it's a rabbit bone. - Huh, a rabbit bone.

[echoing] A rabbit bone. A rabbit bone.

A rabbit bone. A rabbit bone.

[crunch]

- Missing a bone, doc? - Nah, I don't know what you're...

- Now you are. - [laughs]

That's all, fol... [gurgling]

Whoa, back when I was watching cartoons,

violence never had consequences.

Not a match.

Hmm, how about you, silly rabbit?

You up to some Trix?

- [yelps] - Are you a cereal serial killer?

I only steal cereal, I swear!

I can't catch a body, I have priors!

Ah, ah! [screams]

Nope, that's what you get for changing the flavor.

You taste like paint now.

Aha, Latin trap and reggaeton star Bad Bunny.

Hey, sorry, you're not on the list.

Seriously? I'm Marvin Flute.

Uh, maybe I put it under one of my aliases.

Marvin Flame?

Fluteus Maximus?

Mark Milkshack, Sour Shoes,

Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.

Maybe Martin Flute? People always mess that up.

They even misspelled it on my birth certificate.

Wait, is that my name?

It's OK, Flute, I talked to Bad Bunny.

He says you should check that taxidermy shop downtown.

Great idea, and we're in my crime mind,

so it was my great idea. Ha!

I'll meet you there, Flute.

I need to stop here and cool myself down for a bit.

Yep, just one of many very visual things I can do.

Whoa, amazing.

Yeah, I guess to viewers it probably would be.

No... what? Shut up. I'm talking about him!

He's got it. Who is he?

- [sighs] That's Lieutenant Kang. - Kang, Kang.

That's the sound of a star bell ringing.

I got a bell I wish he'd ring. Ding ding.

You, I'm writing you into

- the show, playing yourself. - OK.

I'll start making the changes immediately.

Do you have a pen?

[arm whirring]

No, I do not.

[clicks pen]

[slurps] [grumbles]

Come on, Stanny, walk it off.

It was just a little parental abandonment.

Yeah, I'm not really in the mood. Oh, hey, hey, Dad.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were my dad.

You're Flute's son. I'm playing your dad in the show.

Can I ask what your relationship is like?

- I need to become him. - Oh, well, we hang out all the time.

What? Oh, my God, Stanjamin! You are so bad!

I guess if you really wanna know what it's like,

maybe you and I could play catch sometime?

Yes! Let's go play catch right now.

Really? I mean, sure, if it helps you.

Nice, no one has ever been disappointed

by making an actor their role model.

Arleen, I happened to notice this is the last taquito.

- So... - You ate the whole tray?

[dramatic music]

- Relinquish the taquito! - No, you've had enough.

- The salivation has begun. - You lost your taquito privileges.

- That is my crunchy num-num! - You're cut off!

- No more! - You have won this round, Arleen.

But there shall be subsequent rounds.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[bell rings]

Good evening. How can I help you?

Hi, I recently married into a community

where the elders throw bones in order

to consult their ancestors. You know, to predict the future,

for crops, where to go for brunch where the wait time

isn't longer than the eat time... you get it.

Anyway, I'm looking to buy a rabbit bone.

You probably don't hear that a lot, huh?

Unless you've heard it recently.

And if I could just get the name of the person

- you heard it from recently? - Someone who'd buy a rabbit bone?

Let me think.

Ah!

[thrilling music]

♪ ♪

Ugh, skunk! Two Ks!

So masculine!

Move! I need to...

Damn it. You made me lose my Boner.

All right, Bertram, your limited streaming series

is seriously streaming over the limit of my patience.

- I almost had him. - Sorry, but I told them to block you.

I had to, you're just too good and handsome at this.

I'm getting less angry at you, go on.

You're going too fast for my eight heavily padded episodes.

I still need the audience to fall in love with your character,

and to do that, they have to see someone fall in love with you.

- I was thinking Harmony. - Ugh, doesn't she have a kid?

People love a second chance romance.

Look at Bennifer.

What would Harmony and I's couple name even be?

Marvin Flute? That actually sounds pretty good.

But it'll never work. She's too mad at me.

Well, maybe I could help smooth things over.

We could give you two a night out on the town

- with a little movie magic. - Deal.

But once I get the girl, I'm not gonna stop

until people call me... the Boner Killer.

And then nine months later, they have a new baby.

Wow, honestly, I thought the nipples

- would play a much bigger role. - So again, you and your dad

really do all of this every Sunday?

Yep, then we get ice cream, and we hug,

and he teaches me to shave. I guess it's just our thing.

[crying] You never take me for ice cream

and hugs and teach me to shave!

Well, you can find somewhere else to live,

you spoiled son of a bitch!

Again, this isn't a date.

I only came because you got us

into the hottest urban climbing nightspot in Grimsburg, ah!

I just wanted you to see that it's not always the Flute show.

Marvin Flute and guest of Marvin Flute.

Your table is right that way.

Uh. Whoa!

I probably should be drinking less anyway!

Amateur.

[growls]

[panting]

Right behind you, just like when we made Stan.

Uh, let's see, just gotta...

Uh, no, nope. Ah, ooh, ah, ow, uh, no.

We set up a wire rig to help you up there.

It's the same tech they used to make NSYNC

look like they could dance.

So there were strings attached. Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! [laughs]

Oh, it's...

Ohh, oh!

[grunts]

You made it up. I'm impressed.

I've been working on my core.

[tray clanging]

[knocks softly]

Can I ask you something, sir?

Bertram said you have "it." What is it?

[sighs] Hollywood is built on artifice, Summers.

It's all capped teeth, surgically enhanced bodies,

and smooth CGI perfection.

But every once in a while,

someone comes along who cuts through the illusion

for one damn second, a refreshing breeze of honesty

in a stinking town of deception.

That is "it."

Or maybe they just needed an Asian guy.

OK, thanks.

- Is he here? - Does he smell good?

Can he sign my puffer jacket? [all screaming]

- Oh, my God! - [groans]

Oh hey, Kip, I guess these are

the new script pages for the scene with Flute and his son.

It's kind of a lot, but I could run lines with you.

Uh, fine. Let's give it a shot.

Hey, Stan, the murderer has struck again.

But whatever happens, I want you to know

- that I'm proud to have you as my son. - I know that, Dad.

[gulps] Everyone does.

And also I don't think your cape is weird.

It's a part of you, just like you're a part of me.

And while I know I don't say it enough,

I'm always thinking it. I love you, Stan.

- How was that? - Good.

But we should run it a couple more times.

- Kip, we need you on set. - So can we hang out again later?

Sorry, but it's show business,

not show affection to some weird kid.

Ouch, can't argue with his performance, though.

The way he took a whiz all over your heart,

I mean, he's got your dad down cold.

[acoustic guitar music]

And I gotta admit, that was really fun.

Wait, are those salmon in the fountain?

- How did those get there? - Oh, do you mind?

- Please. - [growling]

- There she is. - [munching]

- Still got it. - Yeah.

I wanted you to have a night that's all about you.

I'm not calling the shots.

[silently] Cue wind.

- Ooh. - Oh, are you cold?

Here, take my coat.

Cue the sweet older couple who could be her and me

in the future, if only we could get past the past.

Oh, how cute.

You know, they almost look like... oh, never mind, it's silly.

[music stops]

OK, we're on the doorstep. Cue the Jumbo.

- Why is there a Jumbotron in the park? - So weird.

Kiss Cam? What perverts.

But I guess we don't wanna get a ticket.

- Wait, did you set all of this up? - Well, I can't take all the credit.

Bertram and his team were troopers,

executing my vision on very short notice.

Oh! It wasn't about me. It was about you getting me.

Yeah, the hero gets the girl.

I'm more of an anti-hero, like Aunt May.

I'm done being part of the Flute show.

Harmony, no, it's not the Flute show.

[upbeat pop music playing]

Kill the Back Together Cam.

- Read the room. - Don't worry, I got a plan.

No, being your muse no longer amuses me!

Ooh, that's pretty good. You can use that.

But that's it. I'm done with your show!

And if you don't like it, you can kiss

these silicone butt pads I no longer need.

[dramatic music]

Time to get the Boner under my belt.

My God, it's the actor who looks nothing like me.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

[groans]

Fade to black 'cause Hollywood.

Where am I?

Who's that coming toward me?

Oh, right, the killer.

Well, I suppose it's been a good life.

I wish I'd danced more.

You idiot, you're supposed to cut me, not the rope.

- So tie me back up... - No, look,

I may have murdered a bunch of people,

but I wasn't the one who trapped you.

And I didn't murder that good-looking British actor either.

- It was that director. - Bertram? Ridiculous.

Let me just ask, does this sound like real bone to you?

[dull clacking]

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

Epoxy resin, like the kind used by Hollywood...

- Hollywood prop... - Prop makers, I said it first.

Bertram got worried I'd catch you too soon,

so he sidelined you and started to carry out the killings himself.

- That can't be union. - Exactly.

So we need to get out of here fast.

- Now, I have a plan. - No, here's how it's gonna go:

You bang on the door, and say you need a doctor.

You popped one of your balls.

It sounds big, but it happens a lot.

You sit down wrong, you catch an edge on a bar stool,

you're bent over trying to cuff a perp

and you accidentally, I don't know, back into a doorknob.

Anyway, I will be standing behind the door

with two totally working, perfectly intact testicles

- ready to heroically... - OK, then, I guess we're just doing

- whatever Flute wants. - Hmm, maybe Harmony was

right about me always having to make it about me.

Whoa, I just said "about me" twice in that sentence about me.

Wow, a third one, but that's like

when you eat Oreos and no one is looking.

It doesn't count, right? Let's try it your way.

You were saying something about blah, blah, blah?

[church organ playing]

♪ ♪

Uh, just making sure you have enough.

Yes, these will suffice for now.

And I'm so happy to hear your mother's doing all right.

That gas leak in her condo must have been quite alarming.

I certainly hope it doesn't happen again. Fingers crossed.

♪ ♪

Kip Deegan was many things... an actor,

a pretend detective, a friend.

I'll never forget the times we shared.

Who the hell is this? I'm his wife.

And they said I wasn't allowed to speak.

As you can see, Kip didn't just play my father,

he was a father figure to me.

He brought me into his life, paid attention to me,

made me feel special,

and then disappeared.

But maybe that's what all dads do, at least to me.

[all gasping]

And I've got some blocking for you, Mr. Director.

- Hands up. - Kip's alive!

No, this guy's way more out of shape.

[laughter]

All right, all right, I'll put my hand up with a gun in it!

- [gasps] - Yes, I killed him.

But I meant to kill you.

It would have given me the shocking twist

that my series needed to get serious buzz,

maybe a "Vulture" article.

But this... this is gonna be better.

We'll get your death in an even more dramatic way,

an armed standoff.

[crowd murmuring]

OK, so, on the show, there'll be a funeral

for the actor from the show?

I mean, yeah, it's gonna be layered, sort of like...

I mean, not "Inception." Did you see "Inception"?

A lot of people didn't get it. I got it, personally.

Hey, no more questions!

Time to go ahead with my shot list. And you are at the top.

Damn it, this wasn't how I saw this going.

But luckily, I'm not the only one with a plan.

[roars]

[machine humming]

Not bad for a Fitbit, huh?

- You saved us. [sighs] - [groans]

I guess you were right, it's not the Flute show.

Oh, good to hear you finally say it.

Yeah, it's more like the Flute and friends show.

I'm still the main draw, but you guys help some too.

I mean, if this maniac was able to put aside

his homicidal tendencies for the sake of teamwork...

- [screams] - Ahh!

Oh, boy, never mind. This Boner won't quit.

[light music]

- I heard your speech in the coffin. - Oh, you did?

Seems like that Kip guy was kind of a jerk.

Yeah, and he didn't even look or sound like you.

Thank you. That's what I've been saying.

Oh, boy, someone just earned himself some ice cream.

Really? He was a pretty bad actor too.

I mean, terrible. Just an all-around piece of crap.

That's my dead husband you're talking about.

Well, I hope his performance was better in bed.

Up top.

[both laugh]

NARRATOR: This summer...

[siren wailing] Please, I'm a minister.

- Then you better start praying. - Power grid disabled.

This city's out of control.

Someone's got to do something about it.

[dramatic music]

NARRATOR: Only one man can stop the madness.

♪ ♪

[tires screeching]

That flight's been canceled.

[squealing]

He's got it.

sync & correction by f1nc0 -- Addic7ed.com --