Original subtitles

- SEE, ISN'T IT NICE IN THE PARK?

THE BABY'S QUIET.

- UM, W-WHY ARE THERE EMPTY CANS IN HERE?

- UH, BECAUSE I RECYCLE AND SHE ENJOYS PLAYING WITH THEM.

- SH--OKAY. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE UP FOR THIS?

I MEAN, YOU WERE ALONE WITH YOUR GODDAUGHTER

NOT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE YOU HAD AN EMERGENCY.

AND BY THE WAY,

CRYING DOES NOT COUNT AS AN EMERGENCY.

- GOD, DON'T REMIND ME.

IT SOUNDED LIKE A CAT IN A MEAT GRINDER.

- [cries] - OH, GOD. AGAIN?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

- NOTHING. SHE'S A BABY.

SHE HASN'T MASTERED THE ART OF SMALL TALK YET.

- UGH. - COME HERE.

HI, YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. SHH. SHH. SHH.

- OKAY, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

IS THERE, LIKE, A PART YOU PRESS OR SOMETHING?

- YEAH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW THEY CAME WITH A BUTTON IN THE BACK?

- [sighs] MAYBE I JUST DON'T HAVE

A NURTURING INSTINCT, YOU KNOW?

I HAD POPCORN AND CHARDONNAY FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT.

I CAN BARELY NURTURE MYSELF. [chuckles]

OKAY.

ALEX, YOU KNOW THERE ARE PUBLIC RESTROOMS?

- MY EX IS HERE WITH SOME GUY OVER BY THE FOUNTAIN.

DO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE TOGETHER?

- UH, I DON'T THINK SO.

TH--UH, THEY'RE SMILING.

- I CAN'T GET A GOOD LOOK AT HIM.

IS HE-- IS HE MY AGE?

- GO ON AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

- AND LET HER THINK THAT I CARE ABOUT HER LOVE LIFE?

N-N-N-NO.

SHE'S TAKEN MY HOUSE, MY MONEY,

AND HALF OF MY TIME WITH MY KIDS.

I'M GONNA KEEP MY DIGNITY, THANK YOU.

- MM, SAID THE MAN HIDING BEHIND A TREE.

- IS HE TALL? DOES HE HAVE HAIR?

SHE ALWAYS WANTED ME TO GROW A PONYTAIL.

- I'M NOT SPYING ON YOUR EX-WIFE.

- FINE, THEN YOU CAN TAKE THE NEXT DIAPER CHANGE.

- OKAY, I'LL FOLLOW THEM. MEET ME AT THE CAR.

DON'T PUT THAT KID ON MY LEATHER SEATS

WITHOUT A CORK IN IT.

[Eli Paperboy Reed and the True Loves' Help Me]

- * HELP ME BABY

* IF YOU CAN

* SOMETIMES IT'S MORE *

* THAN I CAN STAND

* HELP ME BABY

* IF YOU CAN

* AH, HELP ME

* OH YEAH

- I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I KNOW THAT WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO GO GAGA OVER BABIES,

BUT WHAT AM I MISSING?

YOU ALWAYS GO ON AND ON ABOUT

"HOW MUCH I LOVE MY KIDS."

IT'S LIKE, WHAT IS THE BIG THING?

- LIKE, THEY'RE MY KIDS?

- OH, SO THAT'S IT? IT'S JUST ENSLAVEMENT

TO A BIOLOGICAL IMPULSE?

- MY BUDDY AT THE D.M.V. RAN THE PLATE.

THE BEEMER THAT YOUR EX GOT INTO

IS REGISTERED TO THIS GUY, MARK TANNER.

- OH, AND IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY.

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT BIOLOGICAL IMPULSES.

- I'M NOT JEALOUS. BELIEVE ME.

I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT MY EX'S ROMANTIC AFFAIRS.

- RAN HIS CREDIT SCORE TOO.

- OH, WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO--

OH, MY GOD!

- HELL OF A SCORE.

GUY LIKE THAT COULD SNAG A 30-YEAR FIXED LIKE THAT.

- HOLY CRAP.

- UNMARRIED, PARTNER AT DANBERG O'NEILL.

LOOK AT THE JAW.

THAT'S LIKE A PROW OF AN ICEBREAKER,

JUST CRUSHING THE ARCTIC ICE.

WOW, OKAY. I'VE BEEN ON FOR 36 HOURS.

SO I SHOULD SCRAM.

SO I DON'T LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS ON THE BUS.

AGAIN. - MM.

- 788.

- I HEAR THE EX IS BANGING A LAWYER?

SWEET!

GET TO KICK HIS ASS FOR TWO REASONS.

- IF YOU DIVORCE SOMEONE, YOU CAN'T BE JEALOUS.

THERE'S NO REASON.

- THAT'S WHAT'S AWESOME ABOUT JEALOUSY.

YOU CAN JUST ROLL UP AND STRAIGHT WHALE ON A DUDE,

AND HE'S LIKE, "WHY?" AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"EVOLUTIONARY REFLEX, BITCH."

- THANKS, BUT I-I DON'T NEED TO "ROLL UP AND WHALE" ON ANYBODY.

- A LOT OF EXES STAY FRIENDS.

MY NEIGHBOR AND HIS EX WERE ROOMMATES

UNTIL SHE SHOT HIM IN THE FACE.

- YOUR MESSAGES.

AND YOUR REMINDER.

- WHAT IS THIS?

- YOU TOLD ME TO REMIND YOU TO GET

YOUR GOOD SUIT DRY-CLEANED

FOR THE PORTLAND PROFESSIONAL ASSOCIATION CHARITY DINNER.

- RIGHT. - I'M ASSUMING

YOU HAVE A SECRET SUIT I HAVEN'T SEEN.

DRY-CLEAN IT.

- THANK YOU. - [chuckles]

- HELEN, A MOMENT.

- YOU TWO AS WELL. SOMETHING'S COME UP.

SHAUNA DANIELS IS A CANDIDATE FOR MISS GREAT NORTHWEST.

- MM-HMM. - THIS MORNING,

BLOGGERS PICKED UP A RUMOR THAT SHE SLEPT

WITH ONE OF THE PAGEANT'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

THESE PHOTOS EMERGED.

RATHER INDISTINCT, BUT THEY DO APPEAR TO SHOW HER

HAVING INTIMATE RELATIONS WITH AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN.

- SEX IN A CAR. SWEET.

- I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH THE G.P.S. LADY VOICE.

- THIS SUCKS. ALL YOU CAN SEE IS THAT GUY'S FLAT OLD ASS.

- IT LOOKS LIKE TWO PIECES OF THAT WEIRD ETHIOPIAN BREAD

PRESSED UP AGAINST GLASS.

- THANK YOU FOR RUINING ETHIOPIAN FOOD.

- ETHIOPIAN FOOD RUINED ETHIOPIAN FOOD.

- OKAY, LET'S GIVE THIS THE STANDARD SPIN-THE-SCANDAL.

SHALL WE?

- ON IT RIGHT NOW. - THANK YOU, GOD.

- SOME OF US REMEMBER YOUR SPORTY DERRIERE

FROM THE CORPORATE RETREAT JACUZZI INCIDENT.

IS SHE EVEN PAYING?

- MORE LIKE BARTER. - UGH.

- MAKE ME PROUD.

- SUNDAY WE WENT TO MOUNT ST. HELENS,

WHICH WAS REALLY, REALLY COOL.

- I'M GLAD, BUT, UM...

WEREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT HIKE TOGETHER IN THE SPRINGTIME?

- MARK TOOK US ON A HELICOPTER RIDE. WAY COOLER.

- MARK? WHO'S UH-- WHO'S MARK?

- MOM'S FRIEND FROM WORK.

- MUST BE A PRETTY GOOD FRIEND TO BE WILLING

TO SPRING FOR A HELICOPTER RIDE LIKE THAT, HUH?

- HE DIDN'T PAY FOR IT. HE FLEW IT.

AND HE SAID HE MIGHT TAKE US ON HIS BOAT NEXT WEEK.

- UH, YOU DON'T LIKE BOATS, THOUGH, DO YOU?

I REMEMBER YOU HATED THAT FLUME RIDE AT THE THEME PARK.

- THAT WAS A PLASTIC LOG. BOATS ARE COOL.

- MARK SAID WE MIGHT SEE WHALES!

- BOATS, WHALES, MY GOODNESS.

THIS ALL SOUNDS REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

- SO WE'LL GET OUT A PRESS RELEASE DENYING EVERYTHING,

THEN COUNTER WITH SOME POSITIVE PRESS HITS,

PHOTO OPS, ET CETERA.

UH, MAYBE BOOK YOU TO PERFORM AT A CHARITY THING,

MAYBE THE P.P.A. DINNER, AND GREGG HERE WILL HELP YOU

WITH SOME MORE ON-MESSAGE WARDROBE.

- UH, NOT THAT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING ISN'T NICE.

UH, YOU HAVE LOVELY SKIN.

LIKE A SHAVED LEOPARD. [laughs nervously]

- SO THESE ARE SOME GENERAL TALKING POINTS,

SOME DOs AND DON'Ts FOR INTERVIEWS,

AND WE'LL GET YOU AN ITINERARY A.S.A.P.

- WHEN WILL I GET A THING SAYING WHERE I SHOULD BE WHEN?

- SOON.

- THANKS! STEPHEN WAS RIGHT.

YOU GUYS TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. THANKS!

- OH! NOT SURE IF THAT WAS CLEAR. THESE ARE FOR YOU.

- OH, LIKE HOMEWORK?

- OR AS WE CALL IT, WORK.

GOD, SHE'S LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF YOU LET TEN-YEAR-OLDS DRINK.

SHE'S JUST SO IGNORANT, YOU CANNOT IMAGINE.

- I HAVE CHILDREN. YES, I CAN.

IT'S LIKE, WHALES. BIG DEAL.

ANYBODY CAN GO TO THE OCEAN AND LOOK AT A WHALE.

YOU WANT TO IMPRESS ME?

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND GO LOOK AT A DINOSAUR.

THAT-- THAT WOULD BE COOL.

- OKAY, I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING THE SAME CONVERSATION, BUT--

- I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THIS TANNER GUY, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, ONE HELICOPTER RIDE,

AND MY KIDS ARE TOTALLY FREAKING OUT.

AS IF THE ABILITY TO FLY A HELICOPTER

IS SUDDENLY THE EPITOME OF COOL OR SOMETHING.

- SO YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS, YOU'RE THREATENED?

- THE MAN HAS A FLEET OF AIR AND WATER VESSELS.

I CAN BARELY AFFORD THE BIKE THAT I PROMISED MY DAUGHTER

FOR SELLING SAMOAS IN GIRL SCOUTS.

- ALEX, COME ON. IT'S NOT THE STUFF

THAT YOU HAVE, IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT--

[laughs] YEAH, NO. YOU LOSE.

- THANKS, REALLY.

- [laughing] SORRY.

- IT'S TOUGH, ISN'T IT?

KNOWING ONE DAY, YOUR KID WILL BE SPENDING TIME

WITH ANOTHER DAD?

YOU KNOW, AFTER MY DIVORCE,

MY EX HOOKED UP WITH A SECURITY GUARD AT TARGET.

LIKE I COULD COMPETE WITH THAT.

THAT PLACE HAS EVERYTHING.

- [chuckles] IT'S NOT A COMPETITION, RIGHT?

- THAT'S WHAT MY DAD USED TO SAY AFTER I LOST AT TRACK.

BUT AS I GOT OLDER, I REALIZED HE WAS WRONG.

IT'S ALL A COMPETITION.

YOU CAN'T WIN IF YOU DON'T PLAY.

IT'S LIKE THAT MOVIE. DO YOU GIVE IN,

OR DO YOU FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU LOVE?

WHAT'S THAT MOVIE?

- I DON'T KNOW, I THINK YOU JUST DESCRIBED

EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE.

- THE KARATE KID.

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA SWEEP THE LEG.

- I DON'T REMEMBER THAT BEING THE LESSON OF THE KARATE KID.

- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. - YEAH. IT'S JUST--

THIS GUY FLIES HELICOPTERS, YOU KNOW?

- HELICOPTERS? WOW.

THAT'S LIKE TARGET WITH A PROPELLER.

- VERY GOOD, SUNYONG.

[speaking Korean]

[laughs] - [clears throat]

- SO DID A CLIENT RUN AN OIL TANKER AGROUND,

OR KILL A HOOKER, OR--?

- OH, NO, NO. UM...

WELL, IT'S MORE PERSONAL--

- AH. I ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE.

NO, STEPHEN. I-IT'S FOR MY KIDS.

UM, I WAS HOPING TO DO SOMETHING, UH...

UM, IMPRESSIVE FOR THEM.

- BUY THEM A LOFT.

NOT ONLY DOES IT ZERO OUT COUNTLESS MISSED BIRTHDAYS,

BUT THEY ACTUALLY GO AWAY AND LIVE IN IT.

- [chuckles] WELL, SOMETHING THAT I COULD AFFORD.

- AH. LIKE A FAVOR.

LIKE I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU,

AND YOU OWE ME A FAVOR IN RETURN.

LIKE I DID WHEN I GOT GREGG THOSE TICKETS FOR LION KING.

- WELL, HOPEFULLY NOT THAT KIND OF FAVOR IN RETURN.

STEPHEN, YOU MADE HIM DRESS AS CUPID

FOR YOUR VALENTINE'S PARTY.

- HE GOT GREAT SEATS AND A DIAPER FULL OF DOLLAR BILLS.

- I WAS THINKING MAYBE I COULD WORK EXTRA HOURS.

- WE'LL GO WITH YOU OWE ME A FAVOR.

MUCH MORE FUN. [chuckles]

- YEAH.

- OKAY. [elevator chimes]

[phone rings]

- SHE'S NOT WITH STEPHEN, AND I CALLED HER CELL TEN TIMES.

- [sighs] - HER MESSAGE IS HER

SINGING ABOUT REACHING FOR YOUR DREAMS.

NOW MY DREAM IS FOR HER TO FALL DOWN A MINE SHAFT.

- HI, HELEN!

- OH, MY GOD. - EMMA.

- [groans] - WAIT!

I THOUGHT I HAD TO BE HERE FOR THAT MAGAZINE INTERVIEW.

- SHH! - 15 MINUTES AGO!

AND THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE LOOKS THAT WE TALKED ABOUT.

ARE YOU DRUNK?

- NO! I DID MY LAST SHOT,

LIKE, THREE HOURS AGO. I KNEW I HAD TO WORK.

- YOU STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT?

- STEPHEN HAD HIS DRIVER TAKE ME AND MY FRIENDS OUT CLUBBING.

BUT I STILL MADE IT HERE, DIDN'T I?

- [sighs] OKAY.

I'LL STALL THOSE GUYS FROM THE LAMMOTH FAMILY.

TAKE HER BACK UP THE FREIGHT ELEVATOR.

PUT THIS ON HER. GIVE HER THOSE PEARLS.

AND IF SOAP DOESN'T TAKE THIS MAKE-UP OFF,

YOU CAN USE THE MAYONNAISE FROM THE KITCHEN.

- AND THERE'S A BOTTLE OF MOUTHWASH

IN YOUR LOWER LEFT DESK DRAWER,

AND I CAN GET THE CIGARETTE SMELL OFF

WITH THE FEBREZE IN THE LOWER RIGHT.

I DID YOU AFTER THE CHRISTMAS PARTY LAST YEAR.

- OH, RIGHT. THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'M JUST HAPPY YOU GUYS TOOK THE TIME.

I LOVE TALKING ABOUT MY CHARITABLE WORK.

IT'S REALLY WHY I GOT INTO THIS WHOLE THING, REALLY.

VOLUNTEERING PUTS ME IN A POSITION

TO GIVE BACK A LITTLE PIECE OF MYSELF.

- UNDERWEAR! ON HAND FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.

PREFERABLY DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

- STEPHEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MY KIDS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS. - IT'S NOTHING.

AN OLD MATE OF MINE IS ON THE BOARD AT THE ZOO.

I HAVE PICTURES OF HIM BACKSTAGE AT A DIRE STRAITS CONCERT

THAT WOULD MAKE A VETERINARIAN BLUSH.

- AH. - FAVOR.

- GOD, IT'S LIKE SHE IS INCAPABLE

OF MAKING AN INTELLIGENT DECISION.

- UH, ROUGH GOING WITH YOUR TROUBLED TEEN?

- [sighs] IT'S LIKE SHE HAS ZERO SENSE OF CONSEQUENCES.

AND WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

IT'S LIKE SHE'S TOO DUMB TO LIVE.

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR.

YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE. - HOW?

- WELL, YOU SET BOUNDARIES.

YOU ENCOURAGE WITHIN LIMITS, THEN ENFORCE THOSE LIMITS.

- [chuckles] THAT'S IT? - YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

KIDS ARE PRETTY DARN IMMATURE. - MM-HMM.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO BEAT MARK TANNER

AND MAKE HIM LOOK STUPID. - AH.

- WHEN OUR JUNGLE EXPERIENCE OPENS NEXT WEEK,

IT'LL FEATURE SMALL, EXOTIC MAMMALS AND REPTILES

FROM FOUR CONTINENTS.

WE GOT YOUR, UH, ORIENTAL FIRE-BELLIED TOAD,

FENNEC FOX, AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,

PYGMY SLOW LORIS.

- HOW AWESOME IS THIS, GUYS?

THIS EXHIBIT ISN'T EVEN OPEN YET,

AND WE CAN LOOK AT ANY ANIMAL WE WANT UP CLOSE.

- COOL. - I KNOW, RIGHT?

- SOME PEOPLE SAY, "IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE."

BUT WHAT IT REALLY IS IS A JUNGLE IN HERE.

- [chuckles] AND A HILARIOUS JOKE BY FRANK.

- HERE YOU ACTUALLY HANG WITH THE ANIMALS.

LIKE THE BUSHY-TAILED JIRD...

WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, WAS MY NICKNAME FOR MY LAST GIRLFRIEND.

- SLIGHTLY LESS HILARIOUS, BUT OKAY, FRANK.

UM, ALL RIGHT. WHERE-- WHERE SHOULD WE START?

- THE JIRD?

- ARE WE DONE? [sighs]

- UH, NO. THERE'S A FEATURE REPORTER COMING.

- SO? WE JUST GOT THE PICTURE.

- THE REPORTER IS DOING A STORY ON YOU

SERVING CHILI TO HOMELESS WOMEN.

SO A BIG PART OF THE STORY IS GONNA BE YOU,

SERVING CHILI TO HOMELESS WOMEN.

- CAN'T YOU DO IT? IT SMELLS URINE-Y IN HERE.

AND I-I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET SOME PEOPLE.

- HEY, I GOT PLANS TOO. YOU GETTING ME CHILI OR NOT?

- [sighs] I'M SO SORRY.

SHAUNA, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE, WIN THE PAGEANT AND GET A REALITY SHOW.

- THAT'S YOUR GOAL?

- YEAH. - THAT'S YOUR GOAL?

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

KIM KARDASHIAN MAKES MORE THAN TEN YOUs.

- SHE WINS. NOW HOW ABOUT CHILI TIME?

IF THAT'S YOUR STUPID GOAL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK AT IT.

- OH, I DON'T THINK STEPHEN WOULD LIKE

THE WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME--HEY!

- STEPHEN ISN'T ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU.

YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?

SO YOU EITHER STAY HERE AND SERVE CHILI,

OR I'M GONNA PULL YOU FROM THE P.P.A. DINNER.

- NO, YOU WON'T! - OH, YES, I WILL.

AND YOU CAN TRY TO MAKE YOUR BIG DREAMS HAPPEN

ALL BY YOURSELF. - OH, YEAH?

YEAH. SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

- THE PYTHON CAN SWALLOW PREY BIGGER

THAN THE SIZE OF ITS MOUTH

BECAUSE ITS JAWS ARE NOT CONNECTED.

NOT UNLIKE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

- CLASSIC. [cell phone beeps]

- HANNAH, COME ON. DON'T YOU WANNA PET HIM?

- NO, WHAT IF IT TRIES TO EAT ME?

- OH, THAT'S WHAT THE WHISTLE IS FOR.

HAVEN'T LOST A MAN...

YET.

- OOH. THAT'S A LITTLE SQUEEZY.

- LIKE FRANK'S GIRLFRIEND? - [chuckles] NICE.

- IS IT EATING YOU, DADDY?

- N-N-N-NO, HONEY, THIS IS FUN. JUST, UH, FRANK,

MAYBE WE SHOULD-- FRANK, SHOULD WE...

GET ANOTHER ANIMAL MAYBE?

- WHOA! LOOK AT THAT. OKAY. UM--

- HE'S EATING HIM, BILLY!

- REGGIE'S GONE CODE FOUR.

- WHOA, THIS GUY'S GOT A LOT OF PEP. LOT OF PEP.

- TOO LATE. IT'S PROBABLY GONNA POP HIS HEAD OFF.

- COMING THROUGH!

- IT WAS AMAZING.

SHE CALLED ME A BITCH.

I CALLED HER SPOILED, AND I TOOK HER PHONE.

AND THEN FINALLY, SHE SERVED CHILI.

- NICE.

- AFTER WE LEFT, SHE SAID THAT SHE ACTUALLY FELT EMPOWERED.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS BREAKING THROUGH

TO A TROUBLED YOUTH AND TURNING HER LIFE AROUND.

LIKE, WHAT WAS THAT MOVIE? - OH, I DON'T EVEN WANNA TRY.

- UH, KARATE KID.

AND THEN WE SPENT THE WHOLE WEEKEND

JUST HANGING OUT, GETTING HER PREPPED.

IT WAS GREAT!

IT'S LIKE I FINALLY GET THAT WHOLE CARING THING

THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING ON AND ON ABOUT.

- WHAT? - IT'S JUST WEIRD.

I THINK YOU JUST HAD A NURTURING FEELING.

- I KNOW, RIGHT? I THINK I MIGHT EVEN BE GOOD AT IT.

- [smirks] STEPHEN WANTS TO SEE YOU ASAP.

- HMM. OH, HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

- VERY SIMILAR. NURTURING FEELINGS, SNAKE BATTLES.

THE USUAL.

WE'LL TALK.

- HELLO.

- HELEN, I WANTED TO SEE YOU BECAUSE YOU'VE QUITE EXCEEDED

MY EXPECTATIONS-- - AS USUAL.

- SHAUNA'S APPARENTLY TAKEN HER IMAGE REHABILITATION TO HEART.

I DIDN'T SEE HER ALL WEEKEND--

- RIGHT? I THINK SHE'S MAKING SOME GREAT STRIDES, ACTUALLY.

- HELEN, YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

SHE BROKE UP WITH ME.

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME AT ALL.

SOMETHING ABOUT "EMPOWERMENT."

- SORRY, BUT I-I THINK IT'S A GOOD THING

THAT SHE'S LEARNING TO STAND ON HER OWN TWO FEET.

- SHE WAS SWEET, HOPEFUL, AND PERVERSE.

LIKE A LITTLE BUNNY.

IT'S TOO PAINFUL FOR ME TO SEE HER ANYMORE.

SHE'S NO LONGER A CLIENT.

DON'T EXCEED MY EXPECTATIONS IN THE FUTURE.

- STEPHEN, UH, SHAUNA NEEDS ME.

- WHO? I DON'T KNOW ANY SHAUNA.

- FINE.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME STOP CARING FOR HER.

I'LL HELP HER ON MY OWN.

- SO SNAKES. HUH.

YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE IMPRESSED.

- YES, WELL, HOPEFULLY THEIR FUTURE THERAPIST

CAN EXPLAIN THAT TO THEM.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO COMPETE FOR MY KIDS' AFFECTION.

RIGHT? I MEAN, WE'RE ALL CIVILIZED ADULTS HERE

IN THE 21st CENTURY, AND I'M THEIR DAD.

LIKE, I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY.

- YOU SURE? - YEAH.

- YOU SURE? - YEAH.

W-WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS?

- I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IF YOU'RE SURE.

ARE YOU SURE?

- WELL, MOSTLY, I GUESS. - OKAY.

TANNER'S HOUSE. WEEKEND YOU WERE GONE.

- WHAT ARE YOU, SPYING ON THE GUY?

- TECHNICALLY, SPYING IS A VERY PARTICULAR LEGAL TERM,

SO I'LL SAY NO.

BUT I DID GET THESE PHOTOS INSIDE HIS GARAGE.

THE KICKER IS HERE.

- IS THAT THE BARBELINA GIRL-POWER PRINCESS BIKE?

- WITH THE HANDLEBAR POM-POM UPGRADE.

- OH, THAT SON OF A BITCH. - MM-HMM.

- THE P.P.A. HAS LONG BEEN COMMITTED TO SUPPORTING

COMMUNITY SERVICE AND CHARITABLE WORKS HERE IN PORTLAND,

AND THE 2011 EVERGREEN GOLDEN HUMANITARIAN AWARD--

- I'M SORRY, AIMEE, BUT MY HEART'S JUST NOT IN THIS.

BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY FOR THE CHICKEN MARSALA AND SEX.

- THE BARBELINA GIRL-POWER.

I MEAN, THAT'S ONE HELL OF A PRINCESS BIKE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WOULD CROSS THAT LINE.

- I DON'T SEE HIM ANYWHERE.

- YEAH, BET HE'S NOT EVEN COMING, DUDE.

HE PROBABLY HEARD YOU WERE LOOKING FOR HIM.

- YEAH, 'CAUSE WE ALL LIVE IN HIGH NOON,

AND WORD GETS AROUND IN THE SALOON.

- THIS WILL BE GREAT, DUDE.

YOU CAN STRAIGHT WHALE ON TANNER RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

- WHAT IS WITH YOU AND WHALING ON PEOPLE?

I'M JUST GONNA TALK TO THE MAN. - YEAH?

WITH YOUR FISTS, DOG.

- HAVE YOU ACTUALLY BEEN IN A FIGHT, DAN?

- NOT RELEVANT.

- [scoffs] DON'T GET ME WRONG.

THE GUY'S A CONNIVING LITTLE JERK-WEASEL,

AND I'M GOING TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT THE SECOND I SEE HIM.

AND THE WINNER IS MARK TANNER.

[applause]

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HE'S THE GUEST OF HONOR? THIS IS LIKE A JOKE.

- IT'S ACTUALLY RIGHT HERE IN THE PROGRAM.

LESSON LEARNED. READ THE PROGRAM, RIGHT?

- WHEN THE SILVERTON WILDFIRE THREATENED HUNDREDS OF HOMES,

MARK EAGERLY VOLUNTEERED HIS SERVICES

TO EVACUATE RESIDENTS IN HIS HELICOPTER.

SAVING LIVES, PROPERTY, AND WILDLIFE.

[cheering]

- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE STEPHEN CAME WITH THAT SKANK.

I SHOULD'VE WORN SOMETHING THAT SHOWED OFF MY LEGS LIKE THAT.

- BUT YOU HAVE MORE SELF-RESPECT.

AWW, COME ON. BIG SMILE.

WE'RE PAST ALL THAT, AREN'T WE?

YOU'RE IN CHARGE NOW.

OKAY, AND I WAS THINKING,

MAYBE WE COULD TALK ABOUT YOU TAKING SOME CLASSES.

NOT JUST SINGING. - OH, ANYTHING BUT SINGING.

- [sighs] SOMETHING THAT YOU COULD FALL BACK ON.

EDUCATION IS VERY IMPORTANT. JACKET.

FOR EXAMPLE, I HAVE A DEGREE IN MARKETING,

BUT I GET TO HOLD THIS JACKET.

- [sighs] - LOOK, HELEN.

I-I TOTALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE HELP YOU'VE GIVEN ME SO FAR--

- REMEMBER TO STAND UP STRAIGHT AND TO PROJECT.

OKAY? UH-OH. LET'S PUT MR. BUTTON HERE

BACK IN HIS HOLE, SHALL WE?

UH-UH. NOT A PART OF THE IMAGE.

ALCOHOL LEADS TO BAD DECISION-MAKING.

- YOU SHOULD KNOW.

- OKAY, I'M NOT A CHILD.

- I KNOW YOU'RE NOT! HERE COMES MR. BUTTON!

- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT'S A BUTTON.

- IT'S A QUESTION OF WHO YOU WANT TO SHOW THE WORLD YOU ARE.

ARE YOU SOMEBODY THAT ACHIEVES WITH PROFESSIONALISM

AND INTELLIGENCE AND A BUTTON BUTTONED,

OR ARE YOU A PERSON WHO--

- SHAKES HER JIGGLE BAGS SO THAT OLD MEN--

- AND YOU ARE DISMISSED.

WHAT I MEAN IS...

IT'S NOT A BUTTON, IT'S A CHOICE.

- NOT MY CHOICE!

- JUST-- - GOD, I'M NOT YOU!

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

GREAT. HAPPY? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

- OKAY, SHAUNA, WE'RE READY FOR YOU.

YOU'RE ON. - [gasps]

SHE'S NOT READY. - YES, I AM.

- [gasps] - YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS ME.

- OH! - LET'S DO THIS.

- [whispers] SHAUNA!

- * WHEN IT'S ALL GOING WRONG *

* AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO *

* THAT'S THE TIME TO BE STRONG *

* WHEN IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOU *

- HI. - HEY.

OH, HI. UH, I'M MARK.

AND YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.

- PERHAPS YOU RECOGNIZE ME FROM MY KIDS' GENE CODE.

I'M LAURA'S EX-HUSBAND.

- OH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. ALEX, ISN'T IT?

- YES. - YEAH, YEAH.

- I REALIZE THAT YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH MY EX.

AND THAT'S, OF COURSE, FINE--

- I OWE YOU MY LIFE, MR. TANNER.

- OH, THANK YOU. - GOD BLESS YOU.

- YOU TOO, MA'AM. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

OKAY, SO ALEX-- - LET ME--LET ME FINISH.

- YEAH, SURE. - OKAY?

I REALLY DO TAKE ISSUE WITH THE WHOLE

BARBELINA GIRL-POWER PRINCESS BIKE MANEUVER.

COME ON. YOU BOUGHT MY DAUGHTER A RATHER EXPENSIVE BIKE

THAT I PROMISED HER. SO I THINK WE SHOULD--

- YOU SAVED MY RANCH. - WOW.

- SIR, WE GET IT. HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN, OKAY?

CAN I HAVE A MOMENT HERE, PLEASE?

WE WERE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

- YEAH. - GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. I THINK WE SHOULD SET SOME GROUND RULES

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE SPENDING TIME WITH MY CHILDREN.

- ALEX, I REALLY DON'T THINK--

- BUT IT--CERTAIN STUFF IS MINE, ALL RIGHT?

UH, PIXAR MOVIES ARE OKAY, EXCEPT FOR RATATOUILLE.

THAT'S OURS.

UH, SPORTING EVENTS ARE GOOD, EXCEPT FOR THE RED SOX.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE THE ONE TO INTRODUCE THEM

TO CATCHER IN THE RYE, SPINAL TAP, AND NEW YORK CITY.

- OKAY. - YOU CAN HAVE THE NUTCRACKER

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I CAN SIT THROUGH THAT AGAIN.

- UH, THAT'S--THAT'S COOL. - OH!

NO LISTENING TO EARLY BEATLES' MUSIC.

IN FACT, ALL MUSIC BETWEEN 1962 AND 1978 IS OUT.

ALL RIGHT? AND, UH...

YEAH, EVERYTHING ELSE, I THINK, IS FAIR GAME.

- OKAY, WELL, SO I'VE ONLY BEEN OUT WITH LAURA TWICE.

THE BIKE IS FOR MY NIECE.

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN MY GARAGE?

- CONGRATULATIONS, AND IT WAS REALLY GREAT TO MEET YOU.

SIR, I'M SURE YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO THANK THIS MAN FOR.

- UH, YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW, I THINK WE SHOULD--

ALEX. OKAY.

- WELL, AT LEAST YOU GOT YOUR GROUND RULES OUT. [chuckles]

- YEAH. STILL I SHOULD HAVE CLAIMED UP TO '82, YOU KNOW?

I LEFT SOME ELVIS COSTELLO ON THE TABLE.

- [giggles] - THERE SHE GOES.

[laughter]

- DOES MY ASS LOOK LIKE A FLATBREAD TO YOU?

[laughter]

- ALL THAT WORK UNDONE.

SHE'S JUST GIVING UP ON HERSELF.

SHE'S THROWING HER LIFE AWAY.

IT'S LIKE, ONE MINUTE, SHE'S LOOKING AT ME TO GUIDE HER,

AND THE NEXT, SHE WAS LIKE, "SCREW YOU."

- YEAH, I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT HAPPENS TOO.

- UGH. - YOU GIVE THEM EVERYTHING,

AND THEY UP AND LEAVE YOU. - [sighs]

- HOPEFULLY, THOUGH, THEY TAKE

SOME OF THE BEST PARTS OF YOU WITH THEM.

[Gomez's Whatever's on Your Mind]

- WHAT?

- ALEX? - YES?

- YOU WILL ALWAYS BE AN "AWESOMER" DAD

THAN MARK WILL EVER BE.

- REALLY? - MM-HMM.

EVEN IF YOUR CREDIT SCORE DOES SUCK. [chuckles]

- WELL, I'M SURE YOU'D BE PRETTY AWESOME TOO IF YOU...

DID THAT. - MM.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? SHOULD WE MAYBE

JUST TRY NOT-- FOR ONCE, TRY THIS AS FRIENDS.

- YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID TO SHAUNA.

ALCOHOL, BAD DECISIONS.

- NO, I KNOW "BAD" IS TOO STRONG A WORD.

I'M NOT SAYING IT WOULD BE BAD--

- IT WOULDN'T. - JUST, YOU KNOW.

WELL, CONFUSING. - MM.

YEAH.

UM, FRIEND PUNCH.

[chuckling]

- [sighs]

- OH, THE MODELS TEAM ISN'T GONNA KNOW WHAT HIT THEM.

WE'RE NOT JUST BEAUTY QUEENS,

WE'RE BEAUTY MEANS.

WATCH AMAZON ISLAND, EVERYBODY!

PLEASE! WHOO! - HEY.

- WELL, SHAUNA FINALLY GOT A REALITY SHOW.

- OH, ALL RIGHT. SO YOU HELPED HER GET

WHAT SHE WANTED AFTER ALL, RIGHT? FAME?

- YAY, HELEN! MAYBE NEXT YEAR I'LL GET HER IN PENTHOUSE.

WHAT'S WITH THE BIG SMILE?

- I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM MY KIDS ON MARK'S BOAT.

"WHALES COOL. MARK BORING."

- [chuckles]

- AH, ALEX, MY OLD MELON BALL.

FAVOR TIME. THIS IS A STEPSON, RUPERT.

COULD YOU TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO AND DO THAT SNAKE THING?

LOVELY. THANK YOU.

- OH, STEPHEN! ST-STEPHEN?