Original subtitles

- OH, THAT IS REALLY A BABY...

A BABY PERSON... [chuckles] BABY RUBY.

IS IT RUBY OR RUDY?

ARE THERE GIRLS NAMED RUDY? IT'S A GIRL, RIGHT?

- YES. RUBY. - RUBY.

- HELEN, FIRST, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR HAVING US OVER.

AND THEN I WANT TO CUT TO THE CHASE.

PETE WAS MY BROTHER, AND IF HE HADN'T, YOU KNOW...

- PASSED. - DIED...

HE WOULD BE YOUR HUSBAND,

AND WHILE I REALIZE THAT WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON

AND WE AREN'T ACTUALLY FAMILY, I CONSIDER US FAMILY.

- WE DON'T HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.

[women chuckle] - UH, WE'RE BREAST-FEEDING.

- OF COURSE. - AND IT'S NOON.

- WELL, THEN I'LL TOAST.

CONGRATULATIONS TO EDITH, THAD, AND RUBY--RUDY.

- RUBY.

- YOU WANT TO HOLD HER?

- OH.

UH, I DON'T KNOW. SHOULD I?

- YES!

- HEY, RUBY. - [babbles]

- ANYWAY, I CONSIDER US FAMILY,

BECAUSE THAT WAS WHAT WAS IN PETE'S HEART,

AND HE STILL LIVES IN MINE.

- SURE, IN MINE, TOO. - WELL, FOR ME HE'S IN THERE...

LIKE, ALIVE. [baby cries]

- LOOK--HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE--

- OH, NO, NO, KEEP HOLDING HER, PLEASE.

I'M NOT FINISHED. [baby babbles]

- HELEN, I'M HERE BECAUSE IF PETE HADN'T, YOU KNOW...

- PASSED. - [sighs] THANK YOU.

YOU WOULD BE MARRIED,

AND I WOULD BE ASKING YOU BOTH,

BUT IT'S JUST YOU NOW, PHYSICALLY,

SO I'M ASKING YOU.

THAD AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE RUBY'S GODMOTHER.

[baby cries]

- HER GODMOTHER?

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

[laughs] MMM. [baby cries]

[bluesy rock]

- * HELP ME, BABY, IF YOU CAN *

* SOMETIMES IT'S MORE

* THAN I CAN STAND

* HELP ME, BABY

* IF YOU CAN

* OH, HELP ME

* OH, YEAH

- A GODMOTHER, YOU? REALLY?

- WHY NOT? ISN'T IT ALL JUST

ABOUT SLIPPING THEM CANDY TILL THEIR OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK?

- YES, NEVER MIND. YOU'LL BE PERFECT.

- I MEAN, IS EDITH COMPLETELY CRAZY? YES.

BUT I THINK THAT I CAN KEEP HER AT BAY

AND HAVE THIS TINY, LITTLE LINK TO PETE.

- YOU REALIZE THAT EVEN TINY, LITTLE LINKS

OCCASIONALLY REQUIRE SOME ADULT CARE, RIGHT?

LIKE BOTTLES, DIAPER CHANGES,

ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM.

- THAT'S WHAT I HAVE YOU FOR. I JUST DO THE FUN STUFF.

- OH. SO WHA-- I'M YOUR NANNY NOW?

- WELL, TECHNICALLY, YOU'D BE THE GOD-NANNY,

SINCE I'M RUDY'S GODMOTHER.

- RUDY? I THOUGHT HER NAME WAS RUBY.

- MORNING, ALL.

AS SOME OF YOU ALREADY KNOW, MY RIVAL--

DEAR OLD CHARLIE RENFREW-- PASSED AWAY THIS MORNING.

- OH. - I WANT YOU ALL TO GO

TO THE SERVICE AND PAY YOUR RESPECTS

TO A GOOD FRIEND AND ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE.

- ALL RIGHT. - RIGHT.

- AND THEN PICK OFF THE POOR, OLD BASTARD'S CLIENTS.

- NICE. - I'M SORRY.

YOU WANT US TO POACH CLIENTS AT A FUNERAL.

- YES. HELEN, I KNOW THIS IS YOUR FIRST FUNERAL

SINCE THE FIANCE DIED.

FEEL FREE TO WORK THAT ANGLE.

- OH. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, THANK YOU.

- THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

- TO ADD A SPORTING ELEMENT,

THERE WILL BE A $4,000 BONUS

TO WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU WANKERS CAN HOOK THE MOST CLIENTS.

- SECOND PLACE GETS TWO SICK DAYS OFF,

UH, WITHOUT PAY,

AND THIRD PLACE GETS HIS CAR DETAILED BY GREGG.

- WHAT IF I COME IN THIRD?

- JUST TO BE CLEAR HERE,

ON THE DAY WHEN PEOPLE ARE COMING TOGETHER

TO MOURN THE LOSS OF THEIR DEAR FRIEND AND REPRESENTATIVE,

CHARLIE RENFREW, YOU WANT US TO STEAL HIS CLIENTS

WHILE HE'S LYING DEAD IN A COFFIN A FEW FEET AWAY.

- WELL DONE. - TO REVIEW, FROM THE TOP...

[machine beep]

RICHARD PACKER, OLLIE SPORTS-- 100 POINTS.

- DIBS. - YOU CAN'T CALL DIBS.

both: NO DIBS. - NO DIBS.

- OH, NOT ANOTHER BUMPER STICKER.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT IT ON YOUR CAR.

- WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING? OF COURSE I DO.

HOW ELSE WILL TAILGATERS KNOW THAT MY SON IS AN HONOR STUDENT?

YOU KNOW, YOU KEEP THIS UP, I'M GONNA NEED A WIDER CAR.

- SO NOW I GET TO GO TO SPACE CAMP?

- OF COUR--YEAH, SPACE CAMP. THAT'S RIGHT.

- I MEAN, I ALMOST GOT A "B" IN MATH, BUT, YOU KNOW...

THE PRESIDENT WANTS US ON MARS BY 2030.

- RIGHT. - THAT WAS THE DEAL, RIGHT?

HONORS THREE TIMES, AND I GET TO GO?

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T WANT TO LET DOWN THE PRESIDENT.

HE'S GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS.

- OH, YES, HE DOES. YES, HE DOES--POOR MAN.

- ...HAVING A WONDERFUL FATHER, FAMILY MEMBER.

AND SO WE TAKE COMFORT KNOWING THAT CHARLIE ABIDES NOW

IN A BETTER PLACE.

AMEN.

- ARE YOU SURE THAT SPACE CAMP'S EVEN STILL A THING?

I THOUGHT WE GAVE UP ON SPACE. - NO, IT'S A THING, BELIEVE ME.

IT'S A $3,600 THING THAT I PROMISED MY SON,

AND MY ONLY HOPE OF NOT FAILING HIM

IS TO DISHONOR A MAN'S MEMORY

BY POACHING THE MOST CLIENTS AT HIS FUNERAL.

- MM.

- OH, GOD. I SHOULD'VE GOTTEN NEW SHOES.

DO THESE-- DO THOSE BLACKS MATCH?

- AH, WHO CARES? YOU'RE GONNA WIN.

YOU ALWAYS WIN THESE THINGS. - NO, IT'S TRUE.

BUT THIS TIME YOU ARE GONNA STEP IT UP.

YOU ARE GONNA WIN, AND YOU ARE GONNA SHOOT YOUR SON INTO SPACE.

- YOU THINK SO, HUH?

- I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT, BECAUSE I PROMISE NOT TO TRY SO HARD.

- OH, THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE WORLD'S GREATEST DAD.

- HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU-- ARE YOU DOING OKAY?

- ME, WHY?

- THIS IS YOUR FIRST FUNERAL SINCE, YOU KNOW...

PETE DIED.

- YEAH, I KNOW. I'M FINE. QUIT ASKING.

- I ASKED YOU ONCE. - [sighs]

[church bells tolling] - [sighs]

- WELL, AT LEAST HE DIED PEACEFULLY IN HIS SLEEP.

IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE. - IT'S ALMOST TOO EASY.

I ONCE HAD TO POACH CLIENTS AT A SERVICE

FOR A MAN WHO WAS JULIENNED BY THE PROPELLER OF A CRUISE SHIP,

TALK ABOUT DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY. - UGH.

- DUDE, I AM GONNA RULE THIS FUNERAL.

- EXCUSE ME. I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

THAT WAS A VERY TOUCHING SPEECH.

DID YOU KNOW MY FATHER WELL?

- UH, MOSTLY BY REPUTATION. - MY DAD WAS AN ASSFACE.

- OH. WELL, THEN VERY ARTFUL SPEE--

- HE NEVER GAVE A CRAP ABOUT ANYTHING I DID, NOT EVEN S.B.

- UH, S.B.? - SYNCHRONIZED BALLOONING.

I HAD TO CREATE THE RULES MYSELF.

I HAD TO CREATE THE LEAGUE MYSELF.

AND THEN WHEN I FINISHED TOP TEN, NOTHING.

I'M JUST SORRY HE DIED IN HIS SLEEP

INSTEAD OF BEING TORN APART BY WOLVERINES.

- I'D BETTER START POACHING, OR MY SON'S GONNA WANT ME

TO BE TORN APART BY WOLVERINES SOMEDAY.

- WHOSE IDEA WAS A HEARSE?

- WHO WANTS THEIR LAST CAR RIDE ON EARTH

TO BE IN A BIG, DUMB STATION WAGON?

HEARSES ARE STUPID.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY? Y-YOU WANT TO TALK?

- I'M GOOD. FORGET ABOUT ME. WE'RE FOCUSED ON YOU.

THIS IS ABOUT YOU WINNING-- SPACE CAMP.

- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, SPACE CAMP, SPACE CAMP.

OKAY, WIN, WIN, WIN. - [breathes deeply]

- UM, SEE THAT GUY THERE,

WITH THE GRAY HAIR, SITTIN' DOWN WITH THE BOW TIE?

THAT'S WALSH ALUMINUM, ISN'T IT?

- GO. WINNING. CONFIDENCE.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

PARDON ME. TOM WALSH, WALSH ALUMINUM?

- YES. - HI, I'M ALEX TAYLOR.

I'M FROM HALE DAYTON--

- PARDON ME. - OH, YOU'RE DOING THIS NOW.

ALL RIGHT, UM, WELL, WHY DON'T I--IF I COULD JUST--

WELL, OKAY, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

[bagpipes playing]

- OKAY, GEOFFREY TUCKETT, WATUCKI BEDDING, TWO O'CLOCK--

FIVE POINTS. - GO AHEAD.

GET HIM, 'CAUSE I SEE-- - RICHARD PACKER...

HITTIN' THE MEN'S.

BOY, I AM SO NAILIN' HIM IN THERE.

- EW.

GREGG... TUCKETT--FIVE POINTS.

OH, AND TRY NOT TO BREATHE ON HIM.

- I HATE YOU.

- AND I SEE A 34-C WHO LOOKS MOVED, YET BORED.

SMOOTH SAILING, EMMA.

- ALL RIGHT, COME ON, GIVE ME A BIG FISH--BIG.

- YOU'RE NOT READY. YOU'RE MORALLY CONFLICTED.

- I'M NOT MORALLY CONFLICTED. - YOUR PUPILS DILATE.

- EMMA, I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB.

- A BIG FISH WILL SENSE YOUR DOUBT.

- PLEASE DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DO MINE, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, GIVE ME A BIG FISH RIGHT NOW.

- FYI--YOU JUST TOLD ME HOW TO DO MY JOB.

- I'M YOUR BOSS, ALL RIGHT?

GIVE ME A BIG FISH RIGHT NOW, OR YOU'RE FIRED.

- I'M JUST SAYING-- - FISH OR FIRED.

FISH OR FIRED. NOW. NOW. NOW!

- OKAY, OKAY. - NOW.

- DAVE WUPPA--30 POINTS.

YES.

- THANK YOU.

[breathes deeply] ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

SPACE CAMP. SPACE CAMP.

- BUT EVEN THOUGH IT'S A SAD OCCASION, I GOT TO SAY, MAN,

I JUST LOVE YOUR WHOLE GESTALT.

AND YOUR FLEECE IS FRICKIN' SOFT.

IF YOU EVER WANT TO-- - YOU WANT TO GET LOST, WHORE?

- AWESOME.

- COULD I GET A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY?

- GOT IT. - ACTUALLY, I'M WORKING.

JUST A SPARKLING WATER. - SURE THING.

[cell phone rings] - OH.

HELLO?

- HI, HELEN. SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

UH, JUST WANTED TO ASK, ARE YOU BABY-PROOFED?

- I'M ON THE PILL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

- UH, NO, I-I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR APARTMENT.

HAS IT BEEN MADE BABY-SAFE?

'CAUSE THAD AND I ARE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...

OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT, ACTUALLY,

WITH ALL THE EQUIPMENT NEEDED.

ARE YOU HOME AND JUST NOT ANSWERING, LIKE AT EASTER?

- ACTUALLY, I AM A LITTLE BUSY. I'M AT A FUNERAL AT ST. PAUL'S.

BUT I KNOW THAT YOU STILL HAVE PETE'S KEY,

SO JUST GO ON IN AHEAD, AND WHATEVER YOU NEED--

- SHE'S AT A FUNERAL.

ARE YOU OKAY? - FINE.

IT'S A BUSINESS FUNERAL. - HELEN...

IS THIS THE FIRST FUNERAL YOU'VE BEEN TO SINCE PETE,

YOU KNOW... - PASSED.

- DIED? YES, IT'S FINE.

OH, THEY HAVE MONOGRAMMED NAPKINS.

"WIPE UP YOUR SPILL AND REMEMBER THE DEPARTED."

GOD, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

YOU KNOW, I'LL TAKE A WHISKEY ON THE ROCKS.

- PETE WAS NEVER IN FAVOR OF MONOGRAMS.

HELEN, ARE YOU OKAY? DO YOU NEED ME TO COME?

- WHAT? NO. NO, I'M FINE, REALLY.

UH, YOU JUST GO TO TOWN. [phone beeps]

- WHISKEY ROCKS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M WORKING. NEVER MIND.

- [clears throat] I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.

MY KID REALLY WANTS TO GO TO SPACE CAMP...

ALTHOUGH IF IT WERE MY FUNERAL,

YOU'D PROBABLY BE DOING THE SAME THING, RIGHT?

ONLY A LOT BETTER, BECAUSE, WELL, YOU WERE YOU.

- IT'S GOOD TO TALK, ISN'T IT?

- OH, HI. HI, FATHER. - HI.

YEAH, I BELIEVE THAT THEY CAN HEAR US

AND THAT THEY'RE COMFORTED.

DID YOU KNOW CHARLIE WELL?

- OH, Y--WELL, YOU KNOW, I-I COULD HAVE KNOWN HIM BETTER.

- MM-HMM. - WE, UM--WE DIDN'T, UM--

UH, OH, WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?

THERE'S SOMEONE THERE I NEED TO--

I HAVE TO GO COMFORT SOMEONE. THANK YOU.

- MR. WUPPA,

I-I'M GOING TO BE DIRECT.

THIS IS A VERY SAD EVENT.

IF IT WERE ANYBODY ELSE'S FUNERAL,

I WOULD SIMPLY SAY, "I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS,"

AND I WOULD WALK AWAY, BUT WE BOTH KNOW

THAT CHARLIE RENFREW WAS A WORKHORSE, RIGHT?

SO I WANT YOU TO CONSIDER THIS MY HOMAGE TO HIM.

MY NAME IS ALEX TAYLOR.

I VERY MUCH WOULD LIKE TO PUT ON THOSE WORKHORSE SHOES

OR NAIL THEM ON, I GUESS, IF THEY'RE HORSESHOES,

BUT WHATEVER THEY ARE, HUMAN SHOES, HORSESHOES--

THE POINT IS THAT THEY'RE WORK SHOES,

AND I WOULD LIKE TO WEAR THEM...

FOR--FOR YOU.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- PUBLIC RELATIONS, HALE DAYTON--

AL--ALEX TAYLOR.

- W-WHERE DO YOU THINK WE GO WHEN WE DIE?

- WELL, I CAN'T SPEAK FOR CHARLIE, BUT SHALL BE

IN A CRYOGENIC STORAGE UNIT IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA,

UNTIL YOU BASTARDS ARE GONE.

THEN I'LL BE BACK TO HIT ON YOUR DAUGHTERS.

- THIS DEATH STUFF IS REALLY FREAKIN' ME OUT.

- OH, YEAH? I'M ALL RIGHT WITH IT, ACTUALLY.

- IT DOESN'T FREAK YOU OUT? - NO.

A COUPLE YEARS AGO,

I HAD A THREESOME WITH DUTCH TWINS ATOP KILIMANJARO.

- WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?

- MOUNTAIN'S OVERRATED. THE DUTCH ARE NOT.

POINT IS, IT WAS THE LAST ITEM ON MY BUCKET LIST,

AND I HAVE NOW DONE EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED TO DO IN LIFE.

WHAT IS THE FEAR OF DEATH,

BUT THE FEAR OF NOT HAVING TRULY LIVED?

JUST CROSS A FEW ITEMS OFF YOUR BUCKET LIST,

AND THIS WON'T SEEM SO BAD.

- I'VE CROSSED OFF A BUNCH OF ITEMS.

I INSTALLED A WATER FEATURE.

I CLOSED THE BAR AT CHILI'S,

SAW THIRD EYE BLIND AT THE COUNTY FAIR.

- FASCINATING. YOUR BUCKET LIST MAKES ME WANT TO DIE.

LET'S TRY DREAMING A LITTLE BIGGER, SHALL WE?

- YOU LIKE THE BLAZERS?

YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU WANT TO SIT.

I WILL LIE FOR YOU, I WILL KILL FOR YOU,

I'LL GIVE YOU MY HEART, MY SPLEEN.

JUST PICK A BODY PART, SIR.

YOU WANT MY BLOOD? YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF IT.

JUST--

AND--AND THAT'S MY--MY FAVORITE PARABLE.

UM, MR. WUPPA,

IF YOU'D BE KIND ENOUGH TO GIVE ME YOUR CARD--

- CHARLIE NEVER GOT MY BUBBLE WRAP IN PACKAGE MAGAZINE.

I WANT THE COVER.

- YOU GOT IT. I PROMISE YOU.

- CALL ME. - I WILL. THANK YOU.

YES, YES!

I COMFORTED HIM.

I DID IT.

[exhales deeply]

BIG FISH--DAVE WUPPA.

THANK YOU--30 POINTS.

DON'T SEE WHY A BUBBLE WRAP COMPANY IS WORTH 30 POINTS,

BUT WHATEVER.

- "CUSHIONED AIRCORP." OH, IT'S NINE.

NINE? I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT FOR NINE POINTS?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

- SORRY. YOU JUST GOT ME ALL FLUSTERED,

WITH YOUR WHOLE "FISH OR FIRED" THING.

- EMMA-- - HERE, MEREDITH BANKS...

WESTERN BAUXITE-- 15 POINTS.

- MEREDITH BANKS?

OKAY, SAY YOU LIKE HER SHOES, ASK HER ABOUT HER HORSE,

AND YOU CAN GET A RISE OUT OF HER

IF YOU MENTION EASTERN BAUXITE.

- OKAY. - YOU CAN DO IT.

- HOW'S IT GOING?

- UH, YOU KNOW, AT A FUNERAL-- BARELY HOLDING IT TOGETHER,

BUT, YOU KNOW-- - NO, YOUR SCORE.

- OH.

UH, 16 POINTS.

OKAY, I CHANGED MY MIND. I NEED A DRINK.

WINE--ENORMOUS.

- YOU GOT IT. - AND A GINGER ALE, PLEASE--

REGULAR SIZE.

- I DON'T USUALLY ORDER ENORMOUS WINES.

- HMM. - I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF FUNERALS.

I THINK IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF MY FIANCE DYING.

- OH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR OF YOUR LOSS.

- THANK YOU.

IS THAT IT?

- IS WHAT IT?

- COMFORTING-WISE, 'CAUSE I THOUGHT THIS WAS, LIKE,

YOUR GUYS'S AREA OF EXPERTISE.

AND DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE, LIKE, A BIG THING,

LIKE, "IT'S ALL PART OF GOD'S PLAN" KIND OF A DEAL?

ONE GUY DROPPING DEAD SOMEHOW SAVES A BUSLOAD OF ORPHANS--

'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE COMFORTING. - WELL, YES.

I-I DO BELIEVE THAT GOD HAS A PLAN,

EVEN IF WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

- UH, OKAY.

- NOT DOIN' IT FOR YOU?

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

- HMM. YOU KNOW, I'VE SUGGESTED THAT HE POST IT ONLINE,

BUT YOU KNOW HOW BUSY HE CAN BE.

- OH! THAT'S CUTE. [both laugh]

- WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS IS WHY

THEY SAY THAT HE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

WELL, ACTUALLY, MOST OF MY STUFF IS IN A SIMILAR VEIN,

- YEAH.

MAYBE WE'LL JUST LEAVE IT AT "SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS."

- "RIDE A PEGASUS OR ANY OTHER SORT OF WINGED HORSE.

"MAKE LOVE TO KATE MIDDLETON.

"SAVE ONE GALAXY FROM ANOTHER GALAXY.

MAKE LOVE TO KATE MIDDLETON."

- YOU SAID THAT ALREADY. - I WANT TO DO IT TO HER TWICE.

- LET ME STOP YOU THERE.

WHEN I SAID, "DREAM BIG,"

I DIDN'T MEAN, "DREAM IMPOSSIBLE,"

OR BEYOND SPACE AND TIME.

- BUT FLYING AN X-WING FIGHTER-- THAT'S ON YOURS.

- BECAUSE IT'S A SEXUAL POSITION WITH SCISSORING LESBIANS.

FOCUS ON SOMETHING GRAND AND YET WITHIN YOUR GRASP.

- ZIP-LINING IN COSTA RICA...

WITH LESBIANS.

- CLOSER.

- MS. BANKS, IF YOU WOULD LIKE--

- SORRY, THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE.

- I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

- HOW'S IT GOING? IS BILLY GOIN' TO SPACE?

- UH, MAYBE IN, LIKE, 2050,

WHEN WE'RE ALL FLEEING OUR DYING PLANET

ON SOME KIND OF GIANT SPACE ARK.

- IF BILLY DOESN'T GO TO SPACE CAMP,

IT'S ALL A PART OF GOD'S PLAN,

WHICH APPARENTLY HE DOESN'T MAKE PUBLIC,

SO IT COULD JUST BE, LIKE, WHATEVER.

- YOU SURE YOU'RE DOIN' OKAY OVER THERE?

YOU WOULD TELL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, RIGHT?

- YEAH, YEAH. I'M FINE.

OKAY, SHAKE IT OFF. GET BACK OUT THERE.

NEVER SAY DIE. - TELL THAT TO CHARLIE RENFREW.

- COME ON.

[pats on back]

UM...

- HELEN.

HI. - EDITH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING--

YOU'RE THE GODMOTHER OF MY CHILD.

WHEN YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, I DROP EVERYTHING AND COME TO HELP.

- I AM NOT IN TROUBLE. - YOU'RE AT A FUNERAL.

I COULD TELL BY YOUR VOICE ON THE PHONE THAT YOU'RE IN CRISIS.

- I AM FINE. THIS FUNERAL IS GREAT.

THAT WREATH IS AMAZING. THERE'S A GUY PLAYING BAGPIPES.

THEY HAVE MONOGRAMMED NAPKINS.

COMPARED TO THIS, PETE'S FUNERAL WAS REALLY DEPRESSING.

- COME ON, LET'S TALK.

- THESE GUYS ALWAYS LOOK SO BUMMED.

- YEAH, WELL, HE PROBABLY KNOWS WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN THERE.

- I HEAR YOU, MAN.

IT'S LIKE A FEEDING FRENZY OF P.R. SHARKS IN THERE.

- YEAH. WE PREFER THE TERM "VULTURES," ACTUALLY.

- YOU'RE IN P.R.?

- AL--ALEX TAYLOR--

PROFESSIONAL VULTURE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

- RIGHT ON, MAN.

YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY I'VE MET TODAY THAT'S TOLD ME THE TRUTH,

WITHOUT TRYIN' TO WORK SOME ANGLE OR BAG ME AS A CLIENT.

- LISTEN, UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME,

I COULD NOT WORK AN ANGLE TO SAVE MY LIFE,

SO, UM...

- DAN GOT CREDIT FOR HENRY GILL?

I SET LUNCH WITH HIM FOR NEXT FRIDAY.

- WELL, DAN SET DINNER FOR MONDAY.

SO, SORRY. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.

- OH, WAIT, I DO.

- WELL, IT'S ALL ACADEMIC, ANYWAY,

BECAUSE OUR OWN LITTLE MERCENARY,

HELEN, HAS ALREADY GOT 60 POINTS.

- 60 POINTS? SHE'S BARELY LEFT THE BAR.

- DOESN'T MATTER, KIDS, 'CAUSE YOU CAN CALL ME ISHMAEL,

'CAUSE I JUST LANDED THE WHALE.

- SPOILER ALERT--MY BOOK CLUB IS READING THAT RIGHT NOW.

- IT'S LEGIT.

100 POINTS. - MAN!

NO ONE'S BEEN ABLE TO TOUCH HIM. HOW DID YOU DO IT?

- JUST BY BEING ME--

A SIMPLE MAN WHO'S RECOILING

AT THE VERY IDEA OF THIS WRETCHED, WRETCHED AFFAIR.

- THAT'S AN ANGLE? - APPARENTLY IT IS.

ANYWAY, I'M A SOULLESS VULTURE.

WHO CARES? MY KID'S GOIN' TO SPACE CAMP, BABY.

- VERY GOOD, ALEX, MY OLD KNOBBER.

NOW, BACK OUT THERE YOU GO AND GET ME MORE CLIENTS,

WHETHER YOU HAVE TO LAY THEM OR FLAY THEM.

[laughs]

- TERRIBLE TRAGEDY. REALLY, I'M SO, SO SORRY.

- YES, YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND.

I WENT TO A FUNERAL THREE MONTHS AGO.

- HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH IT?

- WELL, I JUST FOUND IT VERY COMFORTING

TO KNOW THAT PETE STILL LIVES ON IN OUR HEARTS AND IN HEAVEN.

- REALLY?

YOU THINK THAT PETE IS UP IN THE CLOUDS

IN A LITTLE HOUSE MADE OF CLOUDS?

- WHAT? WHERE DO YOU THINK HE IS?

- I DON'T KNOW-- GONE.

I MEAN, HE WAS CREMATED.

WE SCATTERED HIM. HE'S ALL OVER THE PLACE.

- FATHER? - YES.

- FATHER, WILL YOU HELP EXPLAIN

WHAT WE BELIEVE HAPPENS TO YOU AFTER YOU DIE?

- OH, WELL, WE BELIEVE THAT WE GO TO HEAVEN.

- IN A CLOUD HOUSE?

- YES! IT'S WHAT I FIND COMFORTING.

WHY DID YOU EVEN ASK?

- I DON'T KNOW--I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT,

LIKE "USE ESSENTIAL OILS" OR "DANCE LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING."

- NOW I'M UPSET.

AND IF YOU REALLY THINK THAT PETE IS POOF, GONE, NOTHING,

WHY SHOULD YOU EVEN BE RUBY'S GODMOTHER?

- AMERICANS ARE SUCH HYPOCRITES.

- [sobbing]

- ALL THIS HEAVEN STUFF, YET THEY CLING TO LIFE

LIKE IT'S JUST ANOTHER POSSESSION.

- RIGHT?

- "EVEN DEATH IS NOT TO BE FEARED

BY ONE WHO LIVES WISELY."

THE BUDDHA.

I'M A BUDDHIST.

- "I'M NOT AFRAID OF DEATH.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS."

WOODY ALLEN. I'M A HUMORIST.

[chuckles]

ANYWAY...

HEY, THERE'S THIS TIBETAN PLACE OVER ON HAWTHORNE.

YOU EVER TRIED IT?

- ALEX, THERE YOU ARE.

I WAS THINKING I COULD USE THOSE BLAZERS TICKETS.

- OH, RIGHT, YEAH.

CAN YOU MAYBE GIVE ME A CALL A LITTLE BIT LATER?

- CALL YOU LATER? YOU SAID I COULD HAVE YOUR BLOOD.

- [laughs] HE'S--HE'S VERY UPSET.

UM, NO, SERIOUSLY, L-LET'S JUST TALK LATER.

- THIS IS WHAT YOU MEAN BY DOING ANYTHING TO LAND A CLIENT?

I'LL TAKE MY BUBBLE BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.

- IS THIS WHAT YOU MEAN BY THE TRUTH?

- WHAT? NO-- WELL, YES.

YES, IT'S THE TRUTH.

I-I DID SAY I WAS A VULTURE.

- AND I JUST DIDN'T KNOW

THAT YOUR ANGLE WAS NOT HAVING AN ANGLE.

- NO, NO, NO. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. PLEASE, WAIT.

YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

OKAY, HERE IS THE TRUTH, ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T STAND DOING THIS.

I HATE IT, BUT I'M A SINGLE FATHER,

AND I PROMISED MY KID THAT HE CAN GO TO SPACE CAMP.

I CAN'T AFFORD THAT UNLESS I GET MY BONUS.

I'M NOT GONNA GET MY BONUS UNLESS I SIGN BIG CLIENTS,

AND THAT--THAT'S YOU.

THAT IS WHY I'M HERE. THAT IS THE TRUTH.

- SPACE CAMP...

THAT'S A GOOD ONE. YOU DISGUST ME.

OH, AND WOODY ALLEN HASN'T MADE A DECENT FILM SINCE INTERIORS.

- HEY, DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO

THAN PERSPIRE TOO CLOSE TO ME?

OH!

AAH! OH.

GROSS! - OH!

[all gasp] AH. [groans]

- WHAT WAS THAT? ONE THING CROSSED OFF YOUR LIST?

- [straining] TWO.

- JOLLY GOOD. - OH!

- [crying] OH.

OOH. OH.

[sniffles]

- HOW'S IT GOIN' IN THERE?

- SUPER. - UH-HUH.

I HATE TO ADD TO YOUR TROUBLES,

BUT, UH, I THINK THAT THIS PHOTO BOOTH IS BROKEN.

- [laughs]

- WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME

THAT YOU WERE COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT?

- I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTRACT YOU WITH MY SOB STORY.

YOU WERE BUSY WINNING SPACE CAMP.

- OH, THAT'S VERY DECENT OF YOU.

AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT IN HONOR OF THAT SACRIFICE,

I WENT AHEAD AND CAME IN DEAD LAST.

- OH, GREAT.

WELL, THAT'S THE LAST TIME I MAKE ANY SACRIFICES FOR YOU.

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL SO BAD.

I OFFENDED A PRIEST, AND I GOT FIRED FROM BEING A GODMOTHER.

- NICE. - YEAH.

- THIS FUNERAL WAS A LOT LESS FUN

THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.

- OH. [sniffles]

IF I DIE, I WANT YOU TO MAKE IT FUN.

I WANT THERE TO BE KARAOKE,

A BARTENDER THAT POURS A DECENT DRINK,

AND JAVIER BARDEM JUMPIN' OUT OF THE CAKE.

- ASSUMING, OF COURSE, THAT I'M NOT AVAILABLE.

- [scoffs, chuckles]

- ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT TO GO CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION

SOMEPLACE A LITTLE LESS, UH, DEATH-Y?

- UH... - MAYBE GET SOME PIE.

- [gasps] PIE.

- YEAH, COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- OKAY.

- FATHER. HELLO.

- OH! - [gasps] OH, MY GOD, FATHER.

- OH. OH! - I AM SO SORRY.

- GOOD MORNING, MY DEAR GRAVE ROBBERS,

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL EAGER TO LEARN

THE OUTCOME OF OUR LITTLE ENDEAVOR,

SO I WILL CUT RIGHT TO IT.

- I'M GONNA BE FOUR GRAND RICHER.

I'M NOT GONNA BE BUYING DESIGNER BABY STUFF.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT. - THE WINNER...

OVERWHELMINGLY, OF THE RENFREW CLIENT ROUNDUP WAS...

- COME ON! LET ME SEND BILLY TO SPACE.

- ALEX, WITH 200 POINTS.

- 200? THE THING ONLY WENT TO 100.

- AND HE DIDN'T EVEN LAND THE WHALE.

- OH, HE LANDED SOMETHING MUCH BIGGER--

GOD, HIMSELF,

IN THE FORM OF THE ARCHDIOCESE OF PORTLAND.

ALEX QUITE IMPRESSED THE GOOD FATHER.

HELEN, SURPRISINGLY, LANDED SECOND PLACE.

- BILLY GETS TO GO TO SPACE CAMP,

AND I BARELY EVEN COMPROMISED--

WELL, ACTUALLY, I COMPROMISED MY MORALS A GREAT DEAL.

- WHO CAME IN THIRD? - YOU DID.

- YES! MY CAR'S FILTHY.

- SO BE IT.