Original subtitles

- [on TV] BECAUSE AN HOUR AND A HALF IS GONNA BE

A MAJOR SETBACK.

- WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.

MY HUSBAND'S GOTTA HAVE HIS LUNCH.

[doorbell rings]

NO, I DON'T HAVE A PICKLE.

- HI, HELEN.

I HOPE I'M NOT INTRUDING.

- NO, NOT AT ALL.

- OH, CHAMPAGNE. WHAT ARE YOU CELEBRATING?

- UM, I WON.

A VERY PRESTIGIOUS AWARD.

- OH, UH, SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

- NO, THE PARTY'S OVER, I JUST, UM--

NOW I'M WATCHING MY FAVORITE EPISODE OF HOARDERS.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE HEAPS OF DEAD CATS?

ALTHOUGH I GUESS THAT'S EVERY EPISODE OF HOARDERS.

[laughs]

- WELL, I'M JUST ON MY WAY OUT.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND

SIGNING FOR ANOTHER PACKAGE FOR ME.

- OF COURSE.

OH, THE IRONY, HUH?

HERE I AM, SINGLE WOMAN IN HER 30s,

STAYING IN ALL THE TIME,

AND YOU GO OUT ALL THE TIME, AND YOU'RE IN YOUR 80s.

IT'S LIKE, I SHOULD BE YOU. YOU SHOULD BE ME.

I'M GONNA PUT OUT SOME HARD CANDIES.

- SO YOU'LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE?

- ARE YOU GETTING SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL LAME?

'CAUSE I GOTTA BE HONEST,

IF I'M STAYING IN ON A SATURDAY NIGHT

WATCHING AN EPISODE OF HOARDERS,

WAITING TO SIGN FOR A PACKAGE OF EXOTIC LINGERIE

FOR MY 80-YEAR-OLD NEIGHBOR WHO'S GOING ON A HOT DATE,

I'M GONNA HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

- IT'S MY KIDNEY MEDICINE.

- OKAY, GREAT. OF COURSE.

[upbeat rock music]

- * HELP ME BABY

* IF YOU CAN

* SOMETIMES IT'S MORE

* THAN I CAN STAND

* HELP ME BABY

* IF YOU CAN

* HELP ME

* AW YEAH

- WE ARE GOING TO INTRODUCE A WHOLE NEW GENERATION

OF DRINKERS TO SHERRY.

SHERRY WON'T JUST BE FOR GRANDMA ANYMORE.

WELL, NOT MINE ANYWAY. SHE'S DEAD.

AND THANK GOD.

THE MONEY THAT WOMAN SPENT ON SWEDISH EROTICA.

- UH, WE DO RECOMMEND THAT YOU UPDATE THE LOGO

OF YOUR TRADE ORGANIZATION, HOWEVER,

AS PART OF THE GENERAL OVERHAUL.

- ADVISABLE.

- WELL, WONDERFUL, STEPHEN.

WE'LL REPORT TO THE REST OF THE SHERRY SOCIETY,

AND LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU ALL

AT THE LAUNCH EVENT THIS WEEKEND.

- GREAT. - HEAR, HEAR.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- GENTLEMEN.

- SO, WE HITTIN' THE BARS TONIGHT?

WE GONNA TEAR IT UP?

- IF YOU CONSIDER DOING MARKET RESEARCH SURVEYS

TEARING IT UP, THEN SURE.

- NO REASON TWO SINGLE GUYS CAN'T MIX BUSINESS

WITH A LITTLE BOOM-BOOM IN THE ZOOM-ZOOM.

AM I RIGHT?

- UH, NOT USUALLY. NO

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- CASUAL INQUIRY INTO YOUR EVENING PLANS?

- I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT TURNING INTO A SHUT-IN, AM I?

I'M NOT GONNA DIE ALONE IN MY APARTMENT

WITH CATS EATING MY FACE?

- NO, NO, NO.

- OKAY.

- YOU DON'T HAVE CATS.

- THANK YOU.

EMMA. HEY. HOW'S IT GOIN'?

WHASSUP?

- AN UNCOMFORTABLY FORCED CASUAL GREETING.

AM I GETTING FIRED?

- NO! - ARE YOU?

IS THE JOB OPEN?

AM I BEING CONSIDERED?

- NO, I JUST--I'M JUST--

I'M JUST CHECKIN' IN.

- HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU WOULD ALWAYS INVITE ME

TO GO OUT WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS?

- YEAH, YOU WERE ALWAYS TOO BUSY.

- YEAH, THAT WAS A REALLY BUSY PERIOD.

BUT T-THAT TIME HAS PASSED, SO I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD

GO OUT TOGETHER SOMETIME?

- AWESOME. UH, WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT?

MY FRIENDS AND I ARE MEETING AT PRETENTIA.

IT'S IRONICALLY SELF-AWARE.

- I'LL BE THERE. WHAT TIME?

- NORMAL TIME, LIKE 11:00.

- 11:00?

- I KNOW IT'S EARLY, BUT IF YOU GET THERE TOO LATE,

THERE'S A LINE.

- GREAT! I CAN'T WAIT.

- SO, ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT

ORDER A GLASS OF SHERRY?

- I DON'T KNOW.

MAY--MAYBE IF I WAS ON A BOAT.

- OKAY.

UM, WHY A BOAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE SHERRY'S ALL THEY HAVE?

MAYBE IT'S A SHERRY BOAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M GIVING ALL THIS INFORMATION FOR FREE.

- IN CASE YOU DIDN'T CATCH THAT, THAT GUY'S WEIRD.

AND YET, HE HAS A SUPER-HOT GIRLFRIEND.

- IS SHE, LIKE, STORED IN PARTS IN HIS FREEZER?

- [laughs] WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?

- WHAT ARE YOU POURING?

- WHATEVER YOU'RE HAVING.

- YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS BANTER, BUT I EVENTUALLY HAVE TO ORDER,

DON'T IT?

I'LL JUST HAVE A BEER. - OKAY.

[bar girls giggling]

- ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN,

HOW WOULD YOU RATE THE APPEAL OF SHERRY?

- I'D GIVE IT, LIKE, A THREE?

- OH, REALLY? I'D GIVE YOU BOTH TENS.

[both giggle] - ALL RIGHT, HOW WOULD YOU RATE

THE APPEAL OF ME IN THIS SHIRT?

[both laugh]

- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?

- WOULD YOU LIKE MORE BANTER WITH YOUR BEER?

- ACTUALLY, I WOULD LOVE TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS

ABOUT SHERRY.

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME? - [laughs]

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH SHERRY?

- OH, YOU'LL SEE.

I'M GOING TO TIE IT ALL IN VERY ARTFULLY BY THE END.

- I'M GWEN. - I'M ALEX.

- I'D RATE YOU AN 11, BUT THEY ONLY LET US GO TO 10.

- ANYWAYS, AFTER A YEAR IN ITALY,

ALL OF THE CHERUB PAINTINGS STARTED TO BLUR INTO THIS, LIKE,

PINK STEW.

SO I SWITCHED MY DISSERTATION TO CONCEPTUAL ART.

- SO NOW YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT SOME GUY WHO JUST MADE

A GIANT SANDWICH OUT OF LINT?

- ACTUALLY, IT'S A GIANT MOUTH OUT OF GUM.

- I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE SERIOUS OR NOT.

- I CAN'T EITHER. - [laughs]

HEY! HOW MANY'D YOU GET?

- SIX PHONE NUMBERS, ONE DINNER DATE,

AND AN INVITATION TO DRY HUMP IN THE ALLEY.

25, IF YOU MEANT SURVEYS.

- DID YOU REALLY GET SIX NUMBERS?

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

- I USE A SIMPLE MNEMONIC:

ALPHA. MALE.

ALPHA:

ALWAYS BE CONFIDENT.

LOVE YOURSELF.

PROJECT CONFIDENCE.

HAVE CONFIDENCE.

ALWAYS BE CONFIDENT.

MALE:

MAKE YOURSELF CONFIDENT.

- I--I GET IT. I GET IT.

AND, UH, THIS WORKS FOR YOU?

- CHICKS DON'T WANT A GUY WHO'S ALL,

[nerdy] "I READ AN ARTICLE IN THE NEW YORKER,

AND IT REALLY SHED SOME LIGHT."

BLEH!

THEY WANT A HIT-AND-RUN, DUDE. A SHARK ATTACK.

JUST, BAM!

EXCUSE ME.

- HE'S RIGHT, WHAT IS SEXIER THAN A SHARK ATTACK?

- EVERYTHING?

IS IT 11:00 ALREADY?

I STILL HAVE THREE HOURS OF WORK LEFT TO DO.

AND, IN OTHER NEWS, I'M--I'M VERY LAME.

UM, WELL, MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU AT THE SHERRY LAUNCH EVENT

THIS WEEKEND?

- I'LL BE HERE. - NICE TO MEET YA.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- TAKE CARE.

- WHAT? I-I HID IN THE WIZARD HUT

AND WENT TO GO GET SOME SNACKS.

JUST HAVE KROJAR KILL THE SHAMBLING MOUND

WITH HIS TRIDENT!

- GREGG?

- HEY!

HI.

ONE SEC. [headset beeps]

HEY.

- ON YOUR WAY TO SEE THE SULTAN?

OR IS IT HAMMER TIME?

- YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE COMFORTABLE,

AND THEY LET THINGS MOVE AND BREATHE DOWN THERE.

- I DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- LOOK, A FEW NIGHTS A WEEK I SAY I'M WORKING LATE

SO I CAN HAVE SOME PRIVATE TIME, OKAY?

NO BOSS, NO WIFE, NO KIDS.

I CAN WEAR WHAT I WANT, I EAT WHAT I WANT,

AND I PLAY LORDS OF LORE.

WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING HERE?

- I AM WAITING TO MEET EMMA AND HER FRIENDS AT A BAR.

AT 11:00. WHAT AM I DOING?

I SHOULD JUST GO HOME.

- NO, NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D GIVE TO GO OUT?

I MET MY WIFE WHEN I WAS 18.

I'VE NEVER DANCED ON A BAR, OR DONE SHOT RACES,

OR THREW UP OUT A CAR WINDOW.

WELL, I MEAN, I HAVE, BUT NOT THE FUN WAY.

GO. AND DANCE AND PARTY.

MAYBE EXPERIMENT WITH ANOTHER GIRL IN THE BATHROOM.

GO!

- OH, IT WAS SO GREAT.

WE LAUGHED, WE TALKED, WE DRANK.

WE DRANK SOME MORE.

- HOW WAS THE CROWD? I MEAN, WAS THERE DANCING?

DO PEOPLE STILL CRUNK?

OR IS IT MOSTLY LIKE A RAVE STYLE?

- I DON'T KNOW, I MOSTLY DID LIKE--

LIKE A FREESTYLE THING.

- THAT WAS MY STYLE!

- I ALSO DID AN OPERATIC VERSION OF A LIL' WAYNE SONG.

- THERE WAS KARAOKE?

- NO.

- MORNING, PARTY BUDDY. - HEY.

SORRY IF MY "HEY" DOESN'T COME WITH AN EXCLAMATION POINT,

I'M A LITTLE HUNGOVER.

- UGH, ME TOO.

MY GOD, YOUR FRIENDS ARE SUCH A HOOT.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THAT BAND TONIGHT WITH YOU GUYS.

- OH, YOU'RE COMING? - MMM.

- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED FUNKTRONICA.

- I WILL.

ONCE I GOOGLE WHAT IT IS.

UGH. - HEY.

- MMM.

MAN, I AM SO HUNGOVER.

AT LEAST I WON'T BE DYING ALONE IN MY APARTMENT

BEING EATEN BY CATS.

- NO, YOU'LL BE DYING DRUNK IN AN ALLEY EATEN BY CATS.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.

- I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE MORE EXCITED FOR ME.

I'M GETTING BACK OUT THERE.

IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL. - I AM. I'M SORRY.

IT'S JUST YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY WHO HAD A GOOD NIGHT.

- HMM?

- I MET THIS UNBELIEVABLE WOMAN AT THE BAR.

SO PRETTY, AND FUNNY, AND SMART.

JUST ONE OF THOSE INSTANT CHEMISTRY THINGS.

YOU KNOW?

I'M SORRY, IS--IS THIS UNCOMFORTABLE?

I--I THOUGHT WE WERE PAST THE WHOLE JEALOUSY THING.

- NO, IT'S JUST THAT THIS WOULD BE THE PLACE

IN A MOVIE TRAILER WHERE I WOULD DECIDE

NOT TO SEE THE MOVIE, BUT CONTINUE.

- THIS GIRL GWEN AND I, WE JUST REALLY HIT IT OFF, YOU KNOW?

- GWEN? HOW GWEAT.

- WE JUST FELL INTO THIS RHYTHM IMMEDIATELY.

IT'S LIKE WE WERE FINISHING EACH OTHER'S--

- FUN BAGS?

TALKIN' ABOUT THE BARTENDER FROM LAST NIGHT?

BANGIN' BODY, RIGHT?

TOTALLY INTO ME.

GAVE ME HER NUMBER.

I'M GONNA * HIT THAT

OH!

SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE NICE.

- UGH, NOT SO GWEAT.

- IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE, OKAY?

NO. THERE'S NO WAY THAT GWEN PREFERRED DAN TO ME.

I'M SORR-- WELL, I'M NOT AN ARROGANT MAN,

BUT I'M A DECENT CATCH, RIGHT?

I MEAN, SHE GAVE DAN HER NUMBER?

DAN?

THE GUY HAS A TATTOO THAT SAYS "DAN."

- WELL, SHE SAID YOU WERE NICE.

SO MAYBE YOU WERE TOO NICE?

- HOW IS BEING NICE A PROBLEM?

NICE IS GOOD, RIGHT? NICE IS NICE.

- NICE IS THE KISS OF DEATH.

NICE MEANS WOMEN WILL WALK ALL OVER YOU,

AND NOT IN THE GOOD WAY.

YOU KNOW, IN STILETTOS ON YOUR NAKED TORSO.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT MY FATHER TOLD ME IN A MOMENT OF LUCIDITY.

WOMEN ARE LIKE A SIMPLE VILLAGE IN GAUL JUST WAITING

FOR THE ROMANS TO SWEEP IN AND LAY AQUEDUCTS

WITH THEIR TANGLED THATCH.

- WHAT?

- UH, HE'S SAYING SOME WOMEN WANT A MAN WHO TAKES CONTROL.

- IT'S TRUE.

- SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

WOMEN PREFER A MAN WHO JUST ORDERS THEM AROUND?

- NO AND YES.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPLAIN.

- BUT, JOHN CUSACK WITH THE--

EXPLAIN THAT.

- MORE LIKE JOHN "NO-SACK," ALL RIGHT?

CUSACK'S A MYTH.

TRUST ME, I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE.

STANDING OUTSIDE A GIRL'S WINDOW WITH A BOOM BOX

ONLY RESULTS IN SOMEONE THROWING A CUP OF URINE ON YA.

- SO, ALEX, IF YOU'RE NOT USING YOUR TESTICLES.

WHY NOT POP 'EM IN A PADDED ENVELOPE

AND POST 'EM TO SOMEONE WHO WILL?

FINALLY, DAN.

HOW'S OUR NEW SHERRY SOCIETY LOGO COMING ON?

- HIPPER THAN CRAP.

BOOM, HUH?

THE LIGHTNING FONT WAS MY IDEA, YOU KNOW?

LIKE HIGH ENERGY. ELECTRIC.

- NOPE. TRY AGAIN.

SOMETHING A LITTLE LESS GOOSESTEP-Y.

- FINE. [phone chimes]

HA!

THAT SAUCY LITTLE BARTENDER TEXTED.

WANTS ME TO MEET HER AFTER HER SHIFT.

GIVE IT UP!

- UNBELIEVABLE.

- DUDE. YOU MISSED IT.

- UGH.

- SHE'S TEXTING HIM.

I-I-IT'S BAFFLING.

- WELL, MAYBE THEY HAVE CHEMISTRY.

- NO, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. YOU UNDERSTAND?

THEY'RE LIKE ARGON AND XENON.

NOBLE GASES. THEY CAN'T BOND.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO TOOK HIGH SCHOOL CHEMISTRY?

LET'S SEE HERE, UM...

AH. LAST TIME, YOU SAID YOU WOULD HAVE SHERRY ON A BOAT.

WOULD YOU CARE TO ELABORATE ON THAT?

- NO, YOUR THING MUST BE WRONG.

I'D NEVER DRINK SHERRY ON A BOAT.

- ARE YOU SURE? YOU SAID A BOAT.

- NOPE.

- ALEX?

- WELL, HEY. HOW YA DOIN'?

I'M JUST HERE DOING A LITTLE, UH,

LITTLE SHERRY FOLLOW-UP.

- WELL, I'M OVER THERE WITH DAN,

IF YOU WANT TO JOIN US WHEN YOU'RE ALL FINISHED.

- UH, MAYBE LIKE AN OLD-TIMEY TRAIN.

- GOD, THANK YOU. WE'RE--WE'RE DONE HERE.

UM, YOU'RE SURE I, UH, WON'T BE INTRUDING?

- NO, NOT AT ALL.

NO, I'M GLAD YOU CAME BY.

- OH, YEAH? - YEAH.

- ME TOO. I REALLY--

I TELL YA, I REALLY ENJOYED TALKING THE OTHER NIGHT.

- ME TOO. YOU ARE VERY COOL.

- OH. YOU TOO.

- AND THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, LESLIE.

- HI! [laughs]

LESLIE.

- HI.

- DUDE, SHE IS HI-LARIOUS.

- BAH! [all laugh]

- OH, I DON'T KNOW, THE TATE IS PROBABLY THE BEST I EVER SAW.

- MMM.

MY FAVORITE IS THE UFFIZI IN FLORENCE.

- YOU KNOW, IN HIGH SCHOOL, FLORENCE SHOWED ME HER UFFIZI

UNDER THE BLEACHERS.

- [laughs]

- IT'S A MUSEUM.

- DID YOU KNOW THAT, UH, GWEN WAS GOING

FOR HER PhD IN ART HISTORY?

- I DID NOT.

- WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN TALKING ABOUT THEN?

MUTUAL INTERESTS? COMMON BELIEF SYSTEMS, WHAT?

- ACTUALLY, DAN WAS TELLING ME ABOUT THIS DREAM HE HAD--

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SO I'M WORKING OUT, BUT INSTEAD OF MY HEAD,

IT'S A HAM.

- A HAM?

A-AND YOU FOUND THAT TO BE INTERESTING?

- I DON'T KNOW. YEAH.

- I THOUGHT I WAS THE HAM AROUND HERE?

[both laugh]

- LESLIE, DO THAT BIT YOU DO IN YOUR ACT.

- OH, NO.

- NO, NO. SHE DOES STAND-UP.

IT'S AWESOME.

- OKAY.

IT'S LIKE, YOU'RE SLEEPING ON A SUNDAY,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S LIKE,

[imitating car alarm]

IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, CAR, WE GET IT."

BUT THE CAR'S LIKE,

[imitating car alarm]

- RIGHT, OKAY.

- THERE'S A CAR IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

THAT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

- [forced laugh]

- ALL RIGHT. GWEN, WE'RE GOIN' DANCIN'.

[imitating car alarm]

- DON'T GET ME STARTED ABOUT CATS STUCK IN THINGS.

[meowing]

- NO, NO. THEY--THEY MAKE THAT NOISE.

YEAH, YEAH.

SHE LEFT WITH HIM. IT MAKES NO SENSE.

- OUCH.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE.

I'M NOT GIVING UP. NO WAY.

- OH, SO YOU'RE GONNA GO MANO-A-MANO WITH DAN FOR A GIRL?

- YES, TO RESTORE THE COSMIC ORDER.

- [scoffs]

- LESLIE AND DAN BELONG TOGETHER, OKAY?

GWEN AND I HAVE EVERYTHING IN COMMON.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT.

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY.

I DON'T CARE.

I'M TAKING CONTROL HERE. I'M GONNA WIN.

I'M GONNA BE LIKE A MAN...WINNING.

- OH, HEY, MAN.

LOOK, SORRY WE CUT OUT ON YA LAST NIGHT TO GO DANCING,

BUT, I'LL TELL YA THOUGH, THAT GWEN HAS MOVES!

- SO DO I.

- WHAT--

- SO? LAST NIGHT? THINGS GET WILD?

- OHH, LET ME TELL YOU.

- THINGS DID.

- THERE WAS A KAMIKAZE SHOT RACE.

- YES! - YES.

- I TRIED TO PUNCH A BARTENDER.

- OH, IT'S FINE.

I GAVE HIM 50 BUCKS NOT TO SMASH MY WINDSHIELD.

- OH, GOD.

I MADE OUT WITH A HIPSTER IN A WOOLY CAP.

- RANDOM STRANGER MAKEOUT.

ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

- OH, HE WAS CUTE.

WISH I'D GOTTEN HIS NAME.

- OH, IT'S TODD. - MMM!

- JENNY'S BOYFRIEND.

OH, NOW EX-BOYFRIEND.

- WHAT A JERK.

WELL, IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE,

UH, HE REALLY WAS NOT THAT INTERESTING

ONCE YOU GOT PAST HIS BODY.

SUPER-PSYCHED ABOUT TOMORROW'S PARTY,

PARTY BUDDY.

- ALSO PSYCHED,

PARTY BUDDY.

- WOO! - [laughs]

HELEN IS PSYCHOTIC. END THIS.

- WHAT? END WHAT?

- YOU KNOW, I WAS EXCITED TO HANG OUT

WITH THE ONLY EXECUTIVE HERE I THINK IS COOL,

BUT SHE DRINKS TOO MUCH, SHE WANTS TO STAY OUT ALL NIGHT,

OH, AND, SHE OVERSHARES.

HER BENIGN UTERINE FIBROID

DOES NOT SPARKLING CONVERSATION MAKE.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE HAVING A FUN TIME?

- SHE'S MY BOSS!

- WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

- I DON'T KNOW. THINK OF SOMETHING.

TELL HER I HAVE SOME CONTAGIOUS SKIN DISEASE.

[sighs] SHE'LL NEVER BELIEVE THAT.

MY SKIN'S FLAWLESS.

COME UP WITH SOMETHING,

OR I TELL STEPHEN THAT YOU SHAVE YOUR BACK

IN HIS PRIVATE BATHROOM AT NIGHT.

- I JUST REALLY FEEL LIKE HER JOB PERFORMANCE IS SUFFERING.

I MEAN, YESTERDAY, SHE WAS SO TIRED

THAT I SAW HER TRYING TO FAX A POST-IT.

[laughs] SO, I MEAN,

MAYBE YOU COULD COOL IT WITH THE SOCIALIZING WITH EMMA?

- UH-HUH.

- BE--SO SHE CAN, YOU KNOW--

- WORK MORE EFFICIENTLY?

- EXACTLY.

- DID EMMA PUT YOU UP TO THIS?

- NO.

NO!

YES.

YOU'RE HER BOSS.

- YEAH, I'M ALSO HER SUPER-FUN FRIEND.

AREN'T I?

- YOU'RE TOO FUN.

THERE. I'M SORRY.

I SAID IT.

- THAT MEANS I'M NOT FUN. - NO!

IT MEANS THAT YOU'RE SO MUCH FUN,

IT'S MORE THAN ANYONE CAN--

- FINE! SHE'S OUT.

YOU'RE GONNA BE MY DATE TO THE SHERRY LAUNCH.

- SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

- SO LACE UP YOUR SHOES, GET YOUR GLOVE,

GRAB YOUR BALL, AND GET IN THE GAME!

- YEAH. BOWLING METAPHOR.

- I WAS DOING A BASEBALL ONE.

- YES, BASEBALL METAPHOR.

- EMMA, I CAN SEE YOU!

[club music]

- THE WEB RELEASES WENT OUT,

THE PRESS IS HERE,

THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S ASKING WHEN SHE CAN GET A--

A FAUX-CANDID SHOT OF JOHN MAYER

OR SOME OTHER FAMOUS TALENTLESS PERSON DRINKING SHERRY.

- WELL, I-- THAT'S A HELEN QUESTION,

I DON'T KNOW.

- UH, WELL, APPARENTLY, HELEN IS TOO BUSY

TO ANSWER MY QUESTION.

- SHERRY BOMBS AWAY!

[all cheer] - WOO!

WOO!

- WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING?

- OVERCOMPENSATING FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS.

OR SHE IS THE GREATEST PARTIER OF ALL TIME, I DON'T KNOW.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

THERE'S A WOMAN OVER THERE WAITING TO BE OVERWHELMED

BY MY...OPPOSITE OF NICENESS.

- W-W-WAIT, WAIT. WHERE YOU GOIN'?

- GOIN' TO TALK TO GWEN.

- OH, NO, NO ,NO.

- [laughs] WAIT.

ARE YOU GOING TO TALK TO GWEN?

- UH, MAYBE. YEAH.

- DUDE, NO OFFENSE, BUT SHE'S NOT YOUR SPEED.

- WELL, NOW HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY SPEED IS?

MAYBE I'M A FERRARI.

MAYBE I'M A LEAR JET.

MAYBE I'M A...A-A PRONGHORN.

IT'S A VERY FAST ANTELOPE.

- WHATEVER.

- DON'T YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO?

GO GET JOHN MAYER A SHERRY-GATINI,

OR A SHERRY-COLADA,

OR WHATEVER IT IS WE'RE DOING HERE. GO.

- NO. TO FREAK DANCE, YOU NEED TO GO DOWN LIKE THIS--

AND THEN YOU COME UP LIKE THIS--

AND THEN I GO LIKE THIS--

OKAY? - WHOA, OKAY, YEAH.

GREGG, WHY DON'T WE TAKE A BREATHER?

- NO! WE CAN BREATHE WHEN WE'RE DEAD.

- NO! WE CAN'T!

- HEY, ALEX.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

- ACTUALLY, I'LL TAKE A SCOTCH ROCKS

AND, UH, YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

- YOU WANT MY PHONE NUMBER?

- YEAH, RIGHT HERE ON THIS NAPKIN, PLEASE.

HERE'S A PEN.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU HAVE A PEN.

USE YOUR OWN DAMN PEN.

I'M SORRY IF THAT'S NOT VERY NI--

ACTUALLY, NO, I'M NOT SORRY.

SORRY.

WHOA, WHOA. I'M TALKING.

WHAT'S OVER THERE? - IT'S JUST DAN.

HE HASN'T SAID HELLO TO ME ALL NIGHT.

- AH, HE'S PROBABLY PLAYING HIS LITTLE HEAD GAMES WITH YOU.

- UH, I'M NOT INTO THAT.

- OH, I THINK YOU LIKE HEAD GAMES.

I THINK YOU LIKE PRETENDING THAT YOU DON'T.

- AND WHAT ELSE DO I LIKE?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU LIKE.

YOU LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT YOU LIKE

BY A MAN WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT,

AND WHAT HE WANTS.

AND I WANT YOU, GWEN,

AND I MEAN RIGHT NOW.

- WANNA GO MAKE OUT?

- OKAY, YEAH.

NOW? - MM-HMM.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER HERE?

- HIDING FROM GREGG.

LAST TIME I CHECKED, HE WAS DANCING ON THE BAR

IN HIS BOXERS.

- OH, WELL YOU MIGHT WANT TO STAY HERE,

BECAUSE THE BOXERS HAVE GONE AWOL.

- EMMA, I'M SO SORRY.

I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE RUN RAGGED

BY A NEEDY RECLUSE WHO FINALLY GETS A NIGHT OUT.

- IT'S OKAY.

I MEAN, I'M SURE I'M NOT ALWAYS THE BEST COMPANION.

ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY AM.

- LOOK, I KNOW WE DON'T HAVE MUCH IN COMMON,

SO I-IT'S FINE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT.

I'LL BE RELIEVED TO GO BACK TO WATCHING HOARDERS.

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

I. LOVE. THAT. SHOW.

WAIT. PLEASE TELL ME YOU'VE SEEN INTERVENTION.

IT'S TOTAL DEPRAVITY!

- UH, HELLO. SEASON PASS ON TIVO.

- [laughs]

- WOO!

- ISN'T THIS HOT?

THIS IS SO HOT. - YEAH.

SHOULD WE MOVE AWAY FROM THE GARBAGE?

- WHO CARES?

- UH...UM...

SERIOUSLY, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO BACK TO MY PLACE, HUH?

- MAYBE WE SHOULD DO IT RIGHT HERE IN THE ALLEY.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

- UH... IT'S NOT WHAT NICE GUYS WANT.

I KNOW THAT.

MOSTLY BECAUSE OF, UM, GARBAGE-RELATED ISSUES.

- TELL ME HOW BAD I AM.

CALL ME A...

- YOU ARE...

A WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

YOU REALLY ARE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WAIT.

I DON'T THINK I WANT YOU TO DO THAT.

I MEAN, I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO DO THAT, BUT--

BUT NOT HERE, LIKE THIS, IN AN ALLEY,

WHERE WE BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO "I WANT YOU NOW"?

- I KNOW, I-I THINK THAT WAS JUST SOMETHING

I WAS TRYING OUT, BUT I JUST--

I'M NOT A HUMP IN THE ALLEY KIND OF PERSON, I'M SORRY.

- OH, BUT I AM?

- WELL, YOU MUST BE ON SOME LEVEL.

I MEAN, UH, HERE WE ARE.

- BECAUSE I KIND OF LIKED YOU,

AND YOU WERE ALL "I WANT YOU NOW."

- I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

I WAS TRYING TO PROVE THAT I WASN'T TOO NICE.

- WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE NOT NICE AT ALL.

- [sighs]

- HEY, WHAT'S UP? I BEEN LOOKIN' FOR YA.

- YOUR FRIEND'S A DOUCHE.

- [sighs]

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- UH, I MANIPULATED HER, I MADE OUT WITH HER,

AND THEN I ABRUPTLY REJECTED HER.

- DUDE, THAT'S AWESOME!

- NO, NO. IT'S REALLY NOT, ACTUALLY.

- MAN...

YOU'RE TOO NICE.

[car alarm sounds]

[laughs] OH, GOD, SHE KILLS ME.

- THAT'S AN ACTUAL CAR. YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

- HOW DOES SHE COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?

- IF SHE KEEPS LYING ABOUT HER BULIMIA,

SHE IS NEVER GONNA GET BETTER.

[doorbell rings]

- UGH, ANOTHER PACKAGE FOR MRS. CLAYPOOL.

OH, YOU KNOW THAT CUPCAKE'S COMIN' BACK UP.

- AND THE SALAMI.

- [sighs]

- HELEN RYAN?

- YEAH.

- WE'RE WITH CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION.

WE'RE INVESTIGATING YOUR NEIGHBOR'S INVOLVEMENT

IN THE ILLEGAL SMUGGLING OF PHARMACEUTICALS FROM CANADA.

- WHAT? THAT WAS A SCAM?

- APPARENTLY, YOU SIGNED FOR THESE PACKAGES

EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.

WAIT A MINUTE. THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT?

- WELL, THINGS ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT NOW.

I USED TO WATCH HOARDERS BY MYSELF.

NOW, I WATCH INTERVENTION WITH MY ASSISTANT.

- AH.

- HURRY UP, CRACKHEAD BOYFRIEND'S

ABOUT TO PROPOSE!

- OH, I'VE SEEN THIS ONE.

HAVE YOU MET THE TOOTHLESS UNCLE YET?

- UH, SPOILER ALERT!

- NO.

- SO BE IT.