Original subtitles

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

Hey, Mavis, how do you want your eggs?

Uh, Mr. Mitch, are you gonna put a shirt on?

Oh. Guess I should.

Okay, socks, sweaters.

Here we go.

Not anymore, shirt.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

What the hell's going on?

As someone who's lived at school,

I think he's living at school.

Looking like Mitch got ditched.

Children are so damn perceptive.

Okay, my girl and I are going through a bit

of a rough patch, and I just ask for privacy

during these trying times.

- We understand. - Fine. I'll talk about it.

I asked her to marry me, and she said, nah,

which is way worse than no.

I first sensed her pulling away during the summer when--

When you rented that bicycle built for two on her birthday,

and she wanted her own bike. Go on.

And the other night, she called me needy.

Y'all know me. Am I needy? Bex, am I?

Um, we're supposed to report when

teachers grab and shake us.

I guess it's needy to buy a ring

and want to share your life with someone.

I don't know about needy, but it's hella thirsty.

Anyway, she asked me to leave the townhouse.

Isn't it your townhouse?

You try telling that to a woman with Cardi B fingernails.

So I'm crashing here till I find a place.

Now, let's get on with today's lesson--laundry.

Everybody grab a shirt and start folding

while I sob at my desk.

The funniest thing happened at school today.

Mr. Mitch proposed to his girlfriend,

and she said, nah, and kicked his sorry ass to the curb.

Pass the ketchup?

Wait, what's the funny part?

Oh, I forgot to say. He was crying.

His glasses were foggy as hell.

Dad, ketchup!

Duncan, that poor man is in pain.

A teacher is in pain.

It's totally different.

Yeah, teachers aren't, like, people with feelings.

They're like celebrities.

We don't feel bad for them 'cause they're so rich.

How much do you think teachers make?

Coach Walters' car is an old limo, so you do the math.

Jack, a teacher we met a couple of times is hurting.

- We should get involved. - Absolutely.

No one makes a man forget a woman faster than me.

Once you go Jack, you never go back.

And you know I'll show him a good time.

What exactly are you guys talking about doing here?

Stay out of it.

I can't be the kid whose parents are friends with the teacher.

My status will drop from loser to lame ass,

and the only way I'll be cool again

is if I kill you in your sleep.

You can be friends with my teacher.

I love her!

She wears a pink bow and doesn't shave her armpits.

I mean it.

If you guys hang out with Mr. Mitch,

you better sleep with one eye open.

Are you seriously threatening to kill us, Duncan?

I'm sorry. I love you. Just obey me.

Hey, Mr. Mitch. Annie Harris.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

I mean, besides crying?

Jeez, that's a loud sandwich!

My stepdad packed my lunch today.

It's the leftover bones from his dinner last night.

Damn, you broke, Wolf!

What's your Venmo?

I've got something to say to Duncan that I probably

should say privately, but what the hell.

Tell your parents thanks for inviting me out, champ.

Uh?

Your parents are friends with a teacher?

Shut up. It's not funny.

Let's go back to laughing at Wolf's messed up home life.

I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

All eyes are on you.

Thank God.

Now I can eat this corncob in peace.

Hi, is Mr. Mitch home?

Oh, I thought you were Postmates with my orange chicken.

Mitch, your parents are here.

Mr. Mitch?

I'm under the blanket spying on my girlfriend

with a telescope.

She's throwing a party to celebrate our breakup.

Oh, good. A cop is there to shut it down.

No, wait. He's a stripper.

Hold up. HOA president's there.

She's in trouble now.

Nope, also a stripper.

Well, I'm off to the carport.

No, she's not the only one that knows how to party.

Yeah, if you think she's getting wild,

wait till you see where we're taking you.

Cosmic bowling!

In a certain state of mind, I would really enjoy this.

But I think I'm gonna get back to spying on my ex.

Come on, it's mind-blowing.

Look at the stars, the dandruff, the pit stains.

A spectacle like this only happens once every seven days.

So let's bowl with the lights off.

♪ Let's go bowling! ♪

Ah!

Bleh!

Yay!

♪ Let's go bowling! ♪

Ah!

♪ Let's go bowling! ♪

Lane 14, please go home.

That was a magical night.

Thanks, Annie and Jack.

You really got me over the hump.

Can you little guys take me home?

I'm down on Sixth Street by the Food for Less.

Haha, yeah.

That's good.

Aw, he's gonna be all right.

It feels good to help someone and be carried by ants.

Yay!

That's us, the red Kia.

Seriously, Mom?

Leftover potato salad for breakfast?

Oh, just put some syrup on it.

There, it's breakfast.

We didn't have time to get to the store.

We were busy helping a man cosmic bowl his misery away.

Now drink your orange juice.

This is Dayquil!

Oh, just put some syrup in it.

Breakfast, anyone?

Rocko's Chicken and Waffles?

Oh, they made a mistake.

They gave you dinner and breakfast.

Oh, hold on.

There's a brochure for white people in here somewhere.

Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh.

This is the greatest idea ever!

Damn, this hits.

Why did I say that?

You didn't have to do all this.

All we did was pull you back from the brink

of emotional suicide.

Actually, I did have a little favor to ask.

Turns out my new apartment building

doesn't allow pets who bite the landlord.

Can you watch Mavis till I find a new place?

Aw, can we, Mom?

You girls begged for a hamster,

and you did a terrible job taking care of it.

How many times do we have to tell you,

Ophelia smelled and we hated her.

Mavis smells, but we love her!

Pleasey, please.

Aw, they deserve a second chance.

All right, but if this one dies, I'm not digging the hole.

Yay!

Come on, Mavis.

Let's put a bow in your hair

and pick a funny voice for you.

I'm Mavis.

She doesn't sound like that. She's more like...

I am Ma-vis.

Actually, Mavis is British,

but they were having so much fun.

So what are we doing today?

Well, we have work. Don't you?

I can come and go as I please.

We won that in our last contract.

Teachers union, baby.

Oh, I'm still covered in ant bites from last night.

Maybe another time.

Huh? Oh, hey, Mr. Mitch.

What a pleasant surprise.

Mom, Dad, got a second?

You're hurting me!

What is he doing here?

I forbade you from seeing him!

And I remember because I had to learn what forbade meant.

Will you calm down?

He just stopped by to bring us chicken.

And waffles.

- What? - Here's the brochure.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Wow.

All right, but when I'm done with this soulful blend

of sweet and savory flavors, this friendship is over.

Damn, this hits.

LIL' JOEY: Hey! Who's the pooch?

My name is Mavis,

and these are my responsible doggie sitters.

I'm surprised after the tragic passing of Ophelia.

God rest that little critter.

Does she know any tricks?

Bradley, get your inhaler ready.

Mavis, roll over.

Mavis, moonwalk!

What trick is she doing now?

I'll tell you what she's doing!

She's dropping a big old cannoli!

Ew!

Let's scram to the swing set, B.

Right behind you, LJ.

Oh, my God, Mavis. That's disgusting.

That's the size of our hamster!

Well, it's supposed to be good for the Earth or something.

Let's get out of here.

Hey. Where do you think you're going?

Oh, hey, Mayor Jen. We were just walking away

from that giant piece of crap our dog left.

You can't just dump and dash.

I ran on that platform!

Dump, dash, die.

Scoop the poop, or it's a $500 fine.

There's only one thing we can do.

Mavis, kill!

Get to scooping, ladies.

While it's still hot.

Ew!

- Yes! - Hey, Duncan.

Saw your parents bowling with Mr. Mitch on his Instagram.

Guess what? That is disturbingly wack.

Personally, I think it's beautiful that your parents

have opened up their marriage.

So is Mr. Mitch your stepdad now?

Do you prefer Duncan Harris Mitch or Duncan Mitch Harris?

Oh! Or Mini Mitch?

Mia, I know you want to show you're part of the gang,

but please don't get in on this.

- Come on, flick me the ball. - Why?

So you can confiscate it and give it

to your boyfriend, Mitch?

He's not my boyfriend. He's my parents' boyfriend.

No, wait. No. He's none of our boyfriends. Ah!

Sorry I'm late.

Before I reveal who won World War II,

I have a much bigger announcement.

I'm introducing a new award, Student of the Week,

awarded to a student of excellence.

Finally, it's happening!

The winner will receive immunity from pop quizzes,

a lifetime hall pass, this Burger King paper crown,

and a 6-foot party sub.

Mia, can I have the middle foot of the sub?

Sorry, Bex, the middle is the gooiest part.

Mia, get up here...

And tell Duncan he's won Student of the Week.

What?

That's a really cruel way to announce an award.

Me? Seriously, why?

I just think you are a great kid.

♪ Student of the Week ♪

♪ What a cool guy ♪

♪ His parents are my friends ♪

♪ Shouldn't have sang that part ♪

All the rest of you, pop quiz.

Mmm, so gooey.

Oh, hell no.

Mr. Mitch?

Oh, hey, Annie.

I completely forgot you work in parking enforcement

when I was parking on this curb.

Guess we could spend some time together

while you write me up.

Um, yeah, but it's an expensive ticket, Mr. Mitch.

Why don't you just move your car?

Oh, no.

I wouldn't want any special treatment

just because we're best friends.

Want to hop in and do Carpool Karaoke?

I'll be Corden.

I don't know who that is,

and I'm kind of working right now.

No problem. I'll see you later.

Did I do that?

So glad you could come over on such short notice.

Here's the problem.

Somebody jammed a football in there.

Huh, that's weird. Oh, well.

Guess we'll just have to toss it around, buddy.

Go long!

Uh, I have a lot of other customers.

Oh! Incomplete.

Hey, why don't you look back down in there?

I put a couple beers in.

We came as fast as we could.

You said they found drugs in Duncan's locker?

Nah, I texted "'Sup?" to you guys

20 minutes ago, and you didn't respond,

so I had to come up with something grabbier.

Now that you're here, have you all played Apples to Apples?

It's wild.

Mr. Mitch, we're going.

Duncan joined a gang.

- What? - Nah, I'm playing.

I got Cards Against Humanity too.

It's wild.

It looks so gross.

And smells so bad.

Okay, we'll do it together.

I'll hold your nose. You cover my eyes.

- Is it on me? - My elbow touched it!

Cut off my arm!

I thought dogs like to eat their own poop.

Come on, Mavis. Get in there!

Yum, yum.

If we kick it into the street, park rules don't apply.

Ew, gross!

Let's just run. What are they gonna do?

Send a SWAT team after us?

They're on the move. Go! Go! Go!

You can run, but you can't hide!

Yes, we can.

And the voters said I was crazy to spend 3 million on this van.

Yeah, Mom, we're gonna spend the night at Lil' Joey's.

His family is always yelling at each other in Italian,

and we love it.

"Hey, get your meat hooks

off my manicotti!"

- DiGiorno! - Got to go.

Well, the girls are staying at Lil' Joey's,

and I don't know where the hell Duncan is,

so you want to talk about having sex but not do it?

Oh, we'll see about that.

No way I'm falling asleep on top of you with my pants off.

No. No. I'm awake. I'm awake!

What up, fam?

It's Mr. Mitch.

I can hear the doorbell outside.

Can you hear it inside?

The Masked Singer is on.

They're gonna reveal the Buffalo.

I think it's Mark Ruffalo.

You know why I think that?

Quick. Army crawl upstairs.

- Uh! - Let it burn!

It's filthy anyways.

Good thing I had this glass tube filled with water.

Yeah, that's good.

Does he see us?

Yeah, I see you. I'm a teacher. I see everything.

All right, Mr. Mitch. We need to talk.

Agreed. About our hopes, our dreams,

where we're going for spring break.

Spring break!

Please don't take this the wrong way,

but we don't want to see your face for a very long time.

So what do you mean?

You want to hang out in the dark?

Spooky.

Okay, now I think you're just being intentionally obtuse.

What Annie meant was that you can be extremely grating

and unbearably needy, and we deeply regret

getting involved with you.

Please don't take any of this personally.

Nah, I get it.

My girlfriend also used the words grating,

needy, and deeply regret.

- Are you gonna be okay? - Don't worry about me.

And hey, we'll always have toilet football.

Aw, no. We won't. I hated that.

Wow, he took that well.

Now where were we?

Mm, mm...

♪ Loser of the week ♪

♪ What a pathetic guy ♪

♪ Duncan's parents used to be my friends ♪

Okay, class.

Everyone take the shrink wrap off your books and open them.

What books?

You mean our Jenga tower?

Come on. Come on.

Jenga!

Enough! No more Jenga.

No more dance parties, and no more

watching movies while I nap!

But it's Wayans brothers week.

You promised us Little Man,

and I need to see Marlon's head superimposed on a baby's body.

Hey, Mr. Mitch, not sorry I'm late,

'cause I'm Student of the Week.

All right, who wants to eat the butt of my party sub?

Whoa!

Fight for it like dogs.

- Amuse me! - Sit down!

Huh?

Duncan, your title's revoked.

But I earned it by you being friends with my parents!

And you lost it when they dumped me.

They dumped you?

But I encouraged this relationship

from the beginning.

Tough break, Duncan.

Mr. Mitch, you gotta hang with my parents.

They're so much fun.

My mom had a tweet published in Reader's Digest.

I've met your stodgy-ass parents.

It ain't happening.

Heads down on your desk, and if I can see your nose,

you get detention.

Detention. Detention. Detention.

Why are you doing this, Mr. Mitch?

Yeah, why am I doing this?

What's the point of anything?

We're all gonna die.

All of us. What a circus.

Oh, my God, there's a circus?

It's a metaphor, bitch!

Hi, Dunkie. How was school today?

Uh, it sucked!

My friends didn't get to see Marlon Wayans' head on a baby,

- and it's all your fault. - What are you talking about?

You broke Mr. Mitch's heart,

and he went psycho on us and ran away.

Hmm, could it have anything to do

with us crushing his soul?

Teachers are humans with feelings.

Just 'cause they're super rich doesn't mean they don't hurt.

We were kind of rough on him.

We should go apologize.

Best route to Sad Sack Suites.

Take a left on Lack of Intimacy Drive,

right on Financial Problems Lane,

straight on I Should Have Married Dennis Boulevard.

Just kidding, it's by the Food for Less.

Mitch isn't here.

He came home, sold all his possessions,

and said he was gonna jump off the Oakdale Bridge.

And you didn't try to stop him?

No, he paid six months up front.

You guys have to leave now.

I have a hooker coming over.

Thank you for your honesty. Bye-bye.

All right, Jing, we've got to make these Nerds last.

It's the only food we have left.

Aw.

If we don't make it out of here,

I just want you to know,

my friend Princess Twinkles isn't real.

I know, Jing. I know.

And sometimes she plays with knives.

What?

This is your mayor speaking on this bullhorn thing.

We've got you surrounded!

Return to the park and remove the offending excrement!

Never! It's gross.

We'd rather die!

All right, that's it. Storm the camper!

Body cams off!

She's hopped up on Nerds.

Follow her.

She's nuts!

Did Mom and Dad vote for her?

Hurry, Annie.

It's our fault. We gotta stop him!

Yeah, we can't have two friends

who went cosmic bowling with us then killed themselves.

If Mr. Mitch dies, they'll put me in a class

with that teacher who talks about his time in Vietnam

while eating tuna fish.

There he is!

Mr. Mitch, don't do this!

Where's the water?

We're gonna die!

We're gonna live!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna live!

You haven't figured out we're on a bungee yet?

Bungee? Oh, fun!

We're gonna die!

So you don't want to die?

No, getting dumped by you all and my ex

showed me I was needy and afraid to be by myself.

I needed to prove I could survive

something scary on my own, and you did it, Mitch.

You did it.

Sorry we were so harsh

when you saved our house from burning.

This is boring.

We really would like to spend more time

with you, just in small doses.

Hmm, microdosing. That sounds nice.

Wait, if you weren't gonna kill yourself,

why'd you sell all your possessions?

Oh, Kevin has sex on all my stuff.

He's a freak.

- That's Mavis! - Mom, Dad, help!

Mavis pooped, and we won't pick it up.

And now we're on the run from the law!

Say goodbye to your parents.

You're both gonna rot in juvie.

Not today, Mayor Jen.

This is my dog, and I'll pick up her poop all by myself.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hey!

Yeah!

This is MTV's own Herp-I reporting live

from Lake Havasu, where it's...

Spring break!

So what's the wildest thing you've done

since you got here to the 'su?

Bong rips while hang gliding, baby!

The wildest thing I did was my boyfriend on a jet ski.

Love you, Clint!

We played Apples to Apples.

And it was wild.

Uh, I walked to the ice machine and I got sunburned.

Please don't put me on camera.

I don't want to be associated with them.

All right, who wants to chicken fight us?

Oh, my God.

That dog just took a dump on the beach!

Crikey!

Did I do that?

SARAH McLACHLAN: ♪ In the arms of the angel ♪

♪ Fly away from here ♪

Captioned by 3Play Media