All language subtitles for Duncanville.S03E14.The.Pursuit.of.Daddyness.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

Wow, Mom's got the big earrings.

Dad's got his jeans
without the crotch ripped--

must be going somewhere nice.

We're having dinner
at DiMaggio's

with Garrett and Bryce,
our friends.

Where's Jing?

Don't go. Play with me.

You're too old for friends.

Don't worry.

Duncan's in charge.

You're leaving?

Who's gonna take care of me?

Ugh, there's leftover
mac and cheese in the microwave.

All you need to do
is press reheat.

Whoa, whoa, you can't throw
a bunch of technical stuff at me

on your way out the door.

I am so screwed.

Got a new hole
in your crotch, Dad.

Damn it, I've had 'em on
five minutes.

Now, if Jack has that hole in
his jeans, do not say anything.

And there it is.

Sorry we're late.

Our kids just make it impossible
to get out the door.

They're like helpless blobs.

More like selfish parasites

- who suck the life out of you.
- Ah.

See, I told you.

He's been trying to talk me
into having kids.

Oh, my God, you have to.

- They're gifts from heaven.
- No greater joy.

Ah!

So that's why you invited us
to dinner--

you want my womb for surrogacy.

The answer is yes.

And all of my sperm is yours, gentlemen.

We have plenty,

but maybe you could help me
talk this guy into fatherhood.

Eh, I'm just not ready
to give up my freedom,

sleep, and white sofa.

You're just afraid
you won't be good at it.

I overheard
your Zoom therapy session.

What? Wear earbuds.

I know parenting
seems like a lot of work,

but kids are only hard
for the first couple of years,

and then they become
totally self-sufficient.

Mom, I can't find my left sock.

Dunkie, say hello
to Garrett and Bryce.

Hey.
Do you know where my sock is?

I got you, buddy.
Comin' up.

There you go.
How's that feel?

Like a shirt for my foot.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.

You had a spare pair of socks
on you?

- Ah, you're like Super Dad.
- That was impressive.

Well, parenting's a snap
when you know what you're doing.

Bryce, you can do
a ride-along with me,

like that movie Training Day
but without the PCP and murder.

That's a great idea.

He can teach you everything
you need to know

about being a dad.

You should do it, hon.

Experience the wonder
of children firsthand.

Can't we just get a fifth dog?

Fine.

Can I get another sock?
I stepped in lasagna.

You already said yes.

Get in.

It's father-training day.

Now? I thought we were gonna do
that on a weekend or something.

I'm piloting a flight
in two hours.

As a dad, you're gonna have

to get used to canceling things
last minute.

Fine.

Hello, Delta?
It's Captain Sullenberger.

No, the other one.

Why do I have to learn things

you already know
how to do for me?

That lasagna sock
was a wake-up call.

So I'm gonna do
a Training Day of my own.

Welcome
to Annie's home ec class.

Now stir, scoop,
blow, and taste.

It's just mac and cheese.
I know what it tastes like.

Oh, my God, this is
the best friggin' mac and cheese

I've ever had in my life.

It's the same boxed
mac and cheese I always make.

I think it's pride
you're tasting.

Yeah, also,
you drown it in milk.

It's basically soup.

The point is,
you did it on your own.

Why didn't you ever tell me

that doing stuff for myself
would feel so good?

I tell you that all the time.
Look at the fridge magnet.

Yeah,
but you never read it to me.

Never mind.

I'll do the dishes
so we can start our next lesson.

No, I'll do 'em.

I don't like people
messing with my kitchen.

Uh-oh, pouty lower lip--
playdate gone wrong.

Let's kick some parenting ass.

I'm riding here!

What's wrong, boo boo bear?

What? Oh, me?

What's wrong,
young human child?

Well, Joey says I can't hang
with the crew if I don't lose

my baby training wheels.

Will you teach me to ride?

Wow, Bryce, I thought you'd
be hit with something small,

like skinned knee
or hungry tummy,

but, bam,
straight to rite of passage.

Jack, your hand's bleeding.

Yeah, dad hands do that.

Try and keep up, rookie.

Mm.

Don't let go.
Don't let go!

We won't.

- Don't let go!
- We won't!

This happened on my watch.

Boss, no!

- Don't let go!
- We won't!

Don't let go.

I won't.

Oakdale has
a Running of the Bulls?

We were briefly colonized
by Spain.

Ow!

Don't let go!

We already did.

Yay!

Whoa, Jing's kissing
the sky over here.

I love you, Daddy!

That's why we do it, Bryce.

Try not to talk, sir.

Clear!

Okay, now, dadding a teenage boy
has its own set of rules.

For example, never walk in
their bedroom without knocking.

I'll show you why.

Come on. Come on.

Hey, Dunker.

Get out! I'm not finished!

Oh, my God.

Calm down.

I'm learning to sew and fixing
Dad's ripped crotches.

It was a surprise

so I didn't have to
buy you a birthday present.

Wow, you did that yourself?

You're really growing up, son.

You teach 'em to fly,
sometimes they soar.

Thanks, Dad.
May I hug you?

Like you have to ask.

That was amazing, Jack.

Once I knew
he wasn't masturbating,

I really saw
the reward of parenting.

I think I might be ready
for this.

You won't regret it, my friend.

Toughest job you'll ever love.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Don't talk to me!

You suck! Everybody sucks!

I hate my life
and yearn for death!

Hey, let's go hug Duncan again.

- Get out!
- Oh, my God!

This seems like a private moment
for you and Kimberly.

Maybe I should go home
and have a vasectomy.

Don't get snipped
just 'cause you're scared.

You need to see this.

We're gonna have a gentle talk

between father, daughter,
and father's guy friend.

Hey, girl, want to dish?
Oh, don't mind Bryce.

I'm just teaching him
how to parent,

and he's gonna teach me
how to fly a jet.

I never said that.

Tell us what happened.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

She says Ashley, Brooke, and
Courtney are bullying her again.

The ABC Girls?

They got kicked off
of one of my flights

for booing everyone in coach.

You're kidding!

She sat in apple juice, and
now they call her Kimber-pee.

Well, don't worry, honey.

I'll just call
their parents and--

Um, she says
she respects my opinion,

but is open to other ideas.

No, I said you need to keep
your fat neck out of it.

You can't stop these girls.

They pick on so many people,

they have a bully calendar
on their phones to keep track.

Uh, if I could jump in...

Careful,
you're still in training.

Listen, I was a gay kid
in the '80s

who was obsessed
with Hulk Hogan.

I drew a handlebar mustache
on my face

and wore a yellow leotard
on picture day.

- Ew.
- Dang, brother.

So I know about being bullied.

Really? How'd you handle it?

Uh, poorly.

I ate a whole pie every night
while listening to The Smiths.

But one day, my bullies
and I ran into each other

outside the horrible
middle-school dynamic

and got to know each other
for who we really are,

and we all became friends.

- By the end of middle school?
- Oh, God, no.

This was 20 years later
at a gay bar.

Most '80s homophobia
was closet-driven.

We can't wait that long.

We have to show those girls
how cool you are now.

Oh, I'll call and tell 'em.

She says my fat neck
needs a better plan.

Well, if anyone can come up
with one, it's you, Super Dad,

and me, the guy who stranded
200 people at the airport

just to push a girl on a bike.

Mia, thanks for going along
with our top-secret plan

to win over Kimberly's bullies,
or TSPTWOKB for short.

Yeah, I saw the logo
on the T-shirt you made me.

Can we get this over with?

Okay, the ABC Girls
hang out here every day,

so Kimberly will run into them
any minute.

Everybody got
their backstories straight?

I am Chip, a recent divorcé
trying to start again,

and I sleep in my car, and
I shower in a bathroom sink.

And I'm Darryl,
a washed-up rock star

and recovering heroin addict
who did time for manslaughter.

Working at this pizza place
isn't what I want,

but it's what I need to get
joint custody

of my son, Michael.

- Mia?
- Oh, this is my actual life,

and I'm sad about it every day.

Ooh, that's good!

They're here. Places.

We need a table.
My dad's rich.

Sorry, it's gonna be
at least 30 minutes.

Some old man
left his newspaper here

if you want to read it
while you wait.

Aw.

Oh, my God, Kimberly!

Lovin' your whole vibe,
girl, as always.

- Hmm?
- Got the VIP booth for you.

Thanks, Mia.
Oh, hey, guys.

I didn't know you come here
every Thursday at 6:00 p.m.

before spitting in the samples
at Sephora.

Wait, you two know each other?

That's right,
and I'm a high-schooler,

which is dope.

My nose ring and I think
Kimberly is hella tight.

Hey, you guys want to join me?
I got free pizzas coming my way.

Yeah, I give her free stuff,
and as stated before,

I'm in high school,
which is fire.

Yeah, sure, Kimberly!
That'd be cool.

If my ex-wife
and your ex-bandmates

could see us now, Darryl...

True dat, Chip.

True... dat.

The Chipotle dumpster
was a wonderland today.

How often do you find
a burrito bowl

with guacamole still on top?

What doesn't stink in here?

I'm baking.

I made cucumber sandwiches,

and there's cranberry scones
in the oven.

Eat up, eat up.

- Yo, you're baking?
- We have an oven?

I thought that was a TV
that always burned my hand.

These cucumber sandwiches
are bussin'!

The cream cheese
isn't even rancid.

How'd you learn to do all this?

My mom's been teaching me
home ec.

Is she taking on other students?

You want my mom to teach you
to cook and clean?

I want your mom
to teach me everything.

Let's have scones
at the banquette.

What the hell's a banquette,

and where's our pile
of dead raccoons?

I re-homed them into the trash.

They weren't sparking joy.

It's true. We hadn't touched
those dead raccoons in a year.

Kimberly, I think

because I'm always glaring
at you in disgust,

I've never noticed your
hair color is really pretty.

OMG, Brooke, that is so sweet,

and because you're
always glaring at me,

I never noticed
how pretty your eyes are.

JK, I totally noticed.

Great JK.

We are miracle workers, Jack.

They should send us
to the set of The View.

Oh, I want to know
everything they're saying.

I wish I was one
of the six flies on their pizza.

God, this place is gross.

Come on. We're going in.

Well, it looks like
you're all having a good time.

- Yes, we are. Bye.
- Can I tempt you with dessert?

The Choco-pasta's to die for.

Ew, do we look
like we eat dessert?

Yeah, and aren't you too old
to be enjoying working here?

No, I'm, uh--I'm--I'm just
trying get my life together

to get custody of my son.

That's lame. You're lame.

You hear that? The dessert perv
with the man boobs

doesn't have custody of his son.

His body is fine.
It's called "dad bod."

- It's a thing!
- And who's this loser?

You look like a tired mannequin.

I thought your
generation didn't body-shame.

We body-shame boomers, boomer.

"Boomers"?

This old guy's having
a heart attack. Gross.

Come on, Kimberly,
let's go to Sephora.

Sorry. But thank you!

Once he wakes up,
clean the bathroom.

Thanks, Darryl.

"A tired mannequin"?

That is absolutely you
in the morning.

They made fun of your man boobs?
I love your man boobs.

Bloopy, bloopy, bloopy, bloopy.

It's not funny!
They really hurt our feelings.

You helped Kimberly.
You should be proud.

I know I am.

Bloop.

You're gonna let a bunch
of mean girls emasculate you?

Pathetic.

Ooh, my sticky buns are done.

You're grown men,
and they're 12.

- Let it go.
- I'm sorry.

Jack could let it go.
He's a bigger man.

But Darryl did not kick heroin
to put up with this.

You're not supposed
to be picking fights

with little girls.

You're supposed to be training
Bryce to be a dad.

Training Day is over.

It's a different
Denzel movie now--

The Equalizer.

I haven't seen it, but I'm in.

Ooh, this is gonna be ugly.

The only thing worse
than a nasty tween girl

is a pissed-off gay man.

Top off your Pinots?

Thank you, my stuper student--
super student.

Oof! Maybe I should eat
some crackers.

Let's go reclaim our dignity.

Damn it.

Ah!

Uh-oh.

What is wrong with us?
They're kids!

We should be able to take 'em.

I'm sorry, wait.

Did you think we were gonna
fight these little girls?

No! Did you?

I wish someone would.

Why are you in the boys' room?

It's the only safe place
to hide from the mean girls.

I thought you guys were all--

"Oh, we're so close.

"Let's braid each other's hair

and verbally abuse our father
and his best friend!"

I decided I just couldn't hang
with kids who said

such hurtful things
to two men I love and admire.

Uh-huh, what really happened?

Fine. They wanted me
to bully kids with them,

and when I said no, they went
back to calling me Kimber-pee.

You know what? I do want
to beat up those little girls.

Looks like they have

a full day of terror planned.

I'm still synced
to their bully calendar.

They forgot to take me off.

So you know what they're
gonna do before they do it?

That means we can stop

every mean thing
they have planned

and no innocent kid
or full-grown man

will ever have
to fear them again.

Sounds like a plan to me!

Lil Joey,
this isn't your school.

I don't like
to take dumps there.

Those tiny toilets can't hold
what Joey's got to give 'em.

Hey, can one of yous
drop me off at the track?

Operation Bully Block begins.

I've got chills.

Okay, 1:00 p.m., "spray-paint
Wesley M.'s locker."

Here they come--right on time.

- Hmm.
- Hey, I read somewhere

that kid's freaking cool.

Yeah.

Well, I had a good run.

Mm-hmm.

Timothée Chalamet?
What are you doing here?

Asking you to dance.

Huh?

Oh!

Waah!

Whoo-hoo!
Oh.

Who keeps blocking us?
My dad's rich.

All right, let's see what's
on the bully calendar next.

"Hit Cooper with basketball."

Oh!

Okay, didn't get
to that one in time.

Wait, there's something huge.

"Friday after gym class,

our biggest,
meanest prank ever."

Meaner than trying to drown
someone with a broken leg?

We should call the police, Jack.
I'm fearing for our lives.

I thought
you wanted to be a dad.

No, I'm on the fence.
I've been saying that.

Feet up.
Feet up.

Get out of the way!

Humiliating defeat, life wasted.

This place is filthy.

Why aren't you wearing
the paper booties I put out?

Sorry, Mom.

That's some way to talk to me
after I made you pumpkin bread.

I'm tired of being overworked
and underappreciated.

What do you want? Sex?

I want you guys
to clean up after yourselves.

- Okay, we're out.
- Grab the pumpkin bread.

Oh, look at this
cute mother-of-pearl spoon

and this dream catcher.

I think I'm gonna buy these...

On Amazon later.

Thank you!
Your store is so cute.

Good thing I sell cocaine
out the back.

There you are!
Mrs. H, we got a situation.

Duncan's acting all responsible,
and it sucks!

Sorry, Bex, but after 15 years
of babying Duncan,

I'm finally enjoying
some me time.

I just almost bought something.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

Annie and I are off
to the desert to do ayahuasca.

We are?

You said I could choose
the next thing.

We want Dirty D back,

so we're asking you
to make like a mother

and sacrifice your happiness
for a bunch of damn kids.

No, I want Duncan to grow up
to be self-sufficient,

and I want to day-drink.

Ugh, we all do,
but if you don't get him back

to being an incompetent goof,

we're gonna cut
his tidy ass loose.

So what's it gonna be?

Do you want a helpless kid
or a friendless kid?

Yikes.

Gym lets out in 15 minutes,
and I can't find any signs

of the biggest,
meanest prank ever.

Did you check for super glue
on the toilet seats?

- Duh, yeah.
- Did you inspect the shampoo

for Nair and the lockers
for murder hornets?

- Obvi.
- Did you check

the tampon dispenser
for dynamite?

- No!
- Ugh, you're not thinking

like a 12-year-old girl.

Come on, Bryce.

All right,
I'll do a dynamite sweep.

You check the towels
for itching powder.

Busted.

Nuh-uh. You're busted.

You're not pranking
anyone today.

Uh-huh. Hello, police?

There's two old creeps
in the girls' locker room.

One barely fits in his shirt,

and the other looks
like an alcoholic weatherman.

Once the cops hear
our explanation,

I think we'll still be
in trouble.

Wow. You were thirsty, Arthur.

Dunkie, you know how much
I enjoy walking in your room

and not gagging
from a wall of stench.

- I do.
- But you got to bring back

- the funk, Dunk.
- Huh?

The truth is--

I love housework
and miss doing it.

Well, we can do it together.

No, it must be me
and me alone.

It is my identity.
I am nothing without it.

Yeah, that's true.

You don't have
a lot else going on.

- Hmm.
- Here.

I was gonna clean
the toilet next,

but I can see
how much it means to you.

Thanks for taking the time

to teach me
all those life skills, Mom.

Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.

Maybe I'll use them again,
but doubtful.

The next woman in my life

will probably want
to take care of me, too.

I could be flying on ayahuasca

in the desert right now.

Well, looks like Darryl and Chip
are sex offenders.

That's why you always have
backstories and fake IDs.

How the hell did
those mean girls find us out?

Maybe 'cause you kept peeking
around corners and high-fiving?

Sorry I let you down, honey.

I really wanted those girls
to see what a great kid you are.

Don't need 'em.
I made real friends.

Yeah.

My mom says
you're too old for me,

but she doesn't know
what you smell like.

Besides, you've got nothing
to feel bad about.

I'm lucky to have a dad
who cares so much

and a Bryce who will
definitely make a great father.

I'm not afraid, Jack.

I'm ready for the toughest job
I'll ever love.

Oh!

The crotch of my jeans,
it just ripped.

Welcome to the club, Dad.

Ah!

This is your life now.
We'll never leave you alone!

Let's kick tween ass.

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome aboard.

I'm Captain Sullenberger,
your pilot and new dad!

I'm his husband. Me!

Baby was my idea.
Had to talk him into it.

Will you guys
excuse me a minute?

Okay, Bryce,
time to teach me to fly.

- Still never said that.
- Come on, man.

I Denzel'd you into daddyhood.

- Switch, switch!
- Okay.

This is the thrust lever.

Now take the wheel, and...

we're lifting off!

Don't let go. Don't let go.

I won't.
My family's on this flight.

Annie, kids,
I'm flying the plane!

Whoa, I'll never let go!

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