Original subtitles

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

Wow, Mom's got the big earrings.

Dad's got his jeans without the crotch ripped--

must be going somewhere nice.

We're having dinner at DiMaggio's

with Garrett and Bryce, our friends.

Where's Jing?

Don't go. Play with me.

You're too old for friends.

Don't worry.

Duncan's in charge.

You're leaving?

Who's gonna take care of me?

Ugh, there's leftover mac and cheese in the microwave.

All you need to do is press reheat.

Whoa, whoa, you can't throw a bunch of technical stuff at me

on your way out the door.

I am so screwed.

Got a new hole in your crotch, Dad.

Damn it, I've had 'em on five minutes.

Now, if Jack has that hole in his jeans, do not say anything.

And there it is.

Sorry we're late.

Our kids just make it impossible to get out the door.

They're like helpless blobs.

More like selfish parasites

- who suck the life out of you. - Ah.

See, I told you.

He's been trying to talk me into having kids.

Oh, my God, you have to.

- They're gifts from heaven. - No greater joy.

Ah!

So that's why you invited us to dinner--

you want my womb for surrogacy.

The answer is yes.

And all of my sperm is yours, gentlemen.

We have plenty,

but maybe you could help me talk this guy into fatherhood.

Eh, I'm just not ready to give up my freedom,

sleep, and white sofa.

You're just afraid you won't be good at it.

I overheard your Zoom therapy session.

What? Wear earbuds.

I know parenting seems like a lot of work,

but kids are only hard for the first couple of years,

and then they become totally self-sufficient.

Mom, I can't find my left sock.

Dunkie, say hello to Garrett and Bryce.

Hey. Do you know where my sock is?

I got you, buddy. Comin' up.

There you go. How's that feel?

Like a shirt for my foot. Thanks, Dad. You're the best.

You had a spare pair of socks on you?

- Ah, you're like Super Dad. - That was impressive.

Well, parenting's a snap when you know what you're doing.

Bryce, you can do a ride-along with me,

like that movie Training Day but without the PCP and murder.

That's a great idea.

He can teach you everything you need to know

about being a dad.

You should do it, hon.

Experience the wonder of children firsthand.

Can't we just get a fifth dog?

Fine.

Can I get another sock? I stepped in lasagna.

You already said yes.

Get in.

It's father-training day.

Now? I thought we were gonna do that on a weekend or something.

I'm piloting a flight in two hours.

As a dad, you're gonna have

to get used to canceling things last minute.

Fine.

Hello, Delta? It's Captain Sullenberger.

No, the other one.

Why do I have to learn things

you already know how to do for me?

That lasagna sock was a wake-up call.

So I'm gonna do a Training Day of my own.

Welcome to Annie's home ec class.

Now stir, scoop, blow, and taste.

It's just mac and cheese. I know what it tastes like.

Oh, my God, this is the best friggin' mac and cheese

I've ever had in my life.

It's the same boxed mac and cheese I always make.

I think it's pride you're tasting.

Yeah, also, you drown it in milk.

It's basically soup.

The point is, you did it on your own.

Why didn't you ever tell me

that doing stuff for myself would feel so good?

I tell you that all the time. Look at the fridge magnet.

Yeah, but you never read it to me.

Never mind.

I'll do the dishes so we can start our next lesson.

No, I'll do 'em.

I don't like people messing with my kitchen.

Uh-oh, pouty lower lip-- playdate gone wrong.

Let's kick some parenting ass.

I'm riding here!

What's wrong, boo boo bear?

What? Oh, me?

What's wrong, young human child?

Well, Joey says I can't hang with the crew if I don't lose

my baby training wheels.

Will you teach me to ride?

Wow, Bryce, I thought you'd be hit with something small,

like skinned knee or hungry tummy,

but, bam, straight to rite of passage.

Jack, your hand's bleeding.

Yeah, dad hands do that.

Try and keep up, rookie.

Mm.

Don't let go. Don't let go!

We won't.

- Don't let go! - We won't!

This happened on my watch.

Boss, no!

- Don't let go! - We won't!

Don't let go.

I won't.

Oakdale has a Running of the Bulls?

We were briefly colonized by Spain.

Ow!

Don't let go!

We already did.

Yay!

Whoa, Jing's kissing the sky over here.

I love you, Daddy!

That's why we do it, Bryce.

Try not to talk, sir.

Clear!

Okay, now, dadding a teenage boy has its own set of rules.

For example, never walk in their bedroom without knocking.

I'll show you why.

Come on. Come on.

Hey, Dunker.

Get out! I'm not finished!

Oh, my God.

Calm down.

I'm learning to sew and fixing Dad's ripped crotches.

It was a surprise

so I didn't have to buy you a birthday present.

Wow, you did that yourself?

You're really growing up, son.

You teach 'em to fly, sometimes they soar.

Thanks, Dad. May I hug you?

Like you have to ask.

That was amazing, Jack.

Once I knew he wasn't masturbating,

I really saw the reward of parenting.

I think I might be ready for this.

You won't regret it, my friend.

Toughest job you'll ever love.

- Hi, sweetheart. - Don't talk to me!

You suck! Everybody sucks!

I hate my life and yearn for death!

Hey, let's go hug Duncan again.

- Get out! - Oh, my God!

This seems like a private moment for you and Kimberly.

Maybe I should go home and have a vasectomy.

Don't get snipped just 'cause you're scared.

You need to see this.

We're gonna have a gentle talk

between father, daughter, and father's guy friend.

Hey, girl, want to dish? Oh, don't mind Bryce.

I'm just teaching him how to parent,

and he's gonna teach me how to fly a jet.

I never said that.

Tell us what happened.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

She says Ashley, Brooke, and Courtney are bullying her again.

The ABC Girls?

They got kicked off of one of my flights

for booing everyone in coach.

You're kidding!

She sat in apple juice, and now they call her Kimber-pee.

Well, don't worry, honey.

I'll just call their parents and--

Um, she says she respects my opinion,

but is open to other ideas.

No, I said you need to keep your fat neck out of it.

You can't stop these girls.

They pick on so many people,

they have a bully calendar on their phones to keep track.

Uh, if I could jump in...

Careful, you're still in training.

Listen, I was a gay kid in the '80s

who was obsessed with Hulk Hogan.

I drew a handlebar mustache on my face

and wore a yellow leotard on picture day.

- Ew. - Dang, brother.

So I know about being bullied.

Really? How'd you handle it?

Uh, poorly.

I ate a whole pie every night while listening to The Smiths.

But one day, my bullies and I ran into each other

outside the horrible middle-school dynamic

and got to know each other for who we really are,

and we all became friends.

- By the end of middle school? - Oh, God, no.

This was 20 years later at a gay bar.

Most '80s homophobia was closet-driven.

We can't wait that long.

We have to show those girls how cool you are now.

Oh, I'll call and tell 'em.

She says my fat neck needs a better plan.

Well, if anyone can come up with one, it's you, Super Dad,

and me, the guy who stranded 200 people at the airport

just to push a girl on a bike.

Mia, thanks for going along with our top-secret plan

to win over Kimberly's bullies, or TSPTWOKB for short.

Yeah, I saw the logo on the T-shirt you made me.

Can we get this over with?

Okay, the ABC Girls hang out here every day,

so Kimberly will run into them any minute.

Everybody got their backstories straight?

I am Chip, a recent divorcé trying to start again,

and I sleep in my car, and I shower in a bathroom sink.

And I'm Darryl, a washed-up rock star

and recovering heroin addict who did time for manslaughter.

Working at this pizza place isn't what I want,

but it's what I need to get joint custody

of my son, Michael.

- Mia? - Oh, this is my actual life,

and I'm sad about it every day.

Ooh, that's good!

They're here. Places.

We need a table. My dad's rich.

Sorry, it's gonna be at least 30 minutes.

Some old man left his newspaper here

if you want to read it while you wait.

Aw.

Oh, my God, Kimberly!

Lovin' your whole vibe, girl, as always.

- Hmm? - Got the VIP booth for you.

Thanks, Mia. Oh, hey, guys.

I didn't know you come here every Thursday at 6:00 p.m.

before spitting in the samples at Sephora.

Wait, you two know each other?

That's right, and I'm a high-schooler,

which is dope.

My nose ring and I think Kimberly is hella tight.

Hey, you guys want to join me? I got free pizzas coming my way.

Yeah, I give her free stuff, and as stated before,

I'm in high school, which is fire.

Yeah, sure, Kimberly! That'd be cool.

If my ex-wife and your ex-bandmates

could see us now, Darryl...

True dat, Chip.

True... dat.

The Chipotle dumpster was a wonderland today.

How often do you find a burrito bowl

with guacamole still on top?

What doesn't stink in here?

I'm baking.

I made cucumber sandwiches,

and there's cranberry scones in the oven.

Eat up, eat up.

- Yo, you're baking? - We have an oven?

I thought that was a TV that always burned my hand.

These cucumber sandwiches are bussin'!

The cream cheese isn't even rancid.

How'd you learn to do all this?

My mom's been teaching me home ec.

Is she taking on other students?

You want my mom to teach you to cook and clean?

I want your mom to teach me everything.

Let's have scones at the banquette.

What the hell's a banquette,

and where's our pile of dead raccoons?

I re-homed them into the trash.

They weren't sparking joy.

It's true. We hadn't touched those dead raccoons in a year.

Kimberly, I think

because I'm always glaring at you in disgust,

I've never noticed your hair color is really pretty.

OMG, Brooke, that is so sweet,

and because you're always glaring at me,

I never noticed how pretty your eyes are.

JK, I totally noticed.

Great JK.

We are miracle workers, Jack.

They should send us to the set of The View.

Oh, I want to know everything they're saying.

I wish I was one of the six flies on their pizza.

God, this place is gross.

Come on. We're going in.

Well, it looks like you're all having a good time.

- Yes, we are. Bye. - Can I tempt you with dessert?

The Choco-pasta's to die for.

Ew, do we look like we eat dessert?

Yeah, and aren't you too old to be enjoying working here?

No, I'm, uh--I'm--I'm just trying get my life together

to get custody of my son.

That's lame. You're lame.

You hear that? The dessert perv with the man boobs

doesn't have custody of his son.

His body is fine. It's called "dad bod."

- It's a thing! - And who's this loser?

You look like a tired mannequin.

I thought your generation didn't body-shame.

We body-shame boomers, boomer.

"Boomers"?

This old guy's having a heart attack. Gross.

Come on, Kimberly, let's go to Sephora.

Sorry. But thank you!

Once he wakes up, clean the bathroom.

Thanks, Darryl.

"A tired mannequin"?

That is absolutely you in the morning.

They made fun of your man boobs? I love your man boobs.

Bloopy, bloopy, bloopy, bloopy.

It's not funny! They really hurt our feelings.

You helped Kimberly. You should be proud.

I know I am.

Bloop.

You're gonna let a bunch of mean girls emasculate you?

Pathetic.

Ooh, my sticky buns are done.

You're grown men, and they're 12.

- Let it go. - I'm sorry.

Jack could let it go. He's a bigger man.

But Darryl did not kick heroin to put up with this.

You're not supposed to be picking fights

with little girls.

You're supposed to be training Bryce to be a dad.

Training Day is over.

It's a different Denzel movie now--

The Equalizer.

I haven't seen it, but I'm in.

Ooh, this is gonna be ugly.

The only thing worse than a nasty tween girl

is a pissed-off gay man.

Top off your Pinots?

Thank you, my stuper student-- super student.

Oof! Maybe I should eat some crackers.

Let's go reclaim our dignity.

Damn it.

Ah!

Uh-oh.

What is wrong with us? They're kids!

We should be able to take 'em.

I'm sorry, wait.

Did you think we were gonna fight these little girls?

No! Did you?

I wish someone would.

Why are you in the boys' room?

It's the only safe place to hide from the mean girls.

I thought you guys were all--

"Oh, we're so close.

"Let's braid each other's hair

and verbally abuse our father and his best friend!"

I decided I just couldn't hang with kids who said

such hurtful things to two men I love and admire.

Uh-huh, what really happened?

Fine. They wanted me to bully kids with them,

and when I said no, they went back to calling me Kimber-pee.

You know what? I do want to beat up those little girls.

Looks like they have

a full day of terror planned.

I'm still synced to their bully calendar.

They forgot to take me off.

So you know what they're gonna do before they do it?

That means we can stop

every mean thing they have planned

and no innocent kid or full-grown man

will ever have to fear them again.

Sounds like a plan to me!

Lil Joey, this isn't your school.

I don't like to take dumps there.

Those tiny toilets can't hold what Joey's got to give 'em.

Hey, can one of yous drop me off at the track?

Operation Bully Block begins.

I've got chills.

Okay, 1:00 p.m., "spray-paint Wesley M.'s locker."

Here they come--right on time.

- Hmm. - Hey, I read somewhere

that kid's freaking cool.

Yeah.

Well, I had a good run.

Mm-hmm.

Timothée Chalamet? What are you doing here?

Asking you to dance.

Huh?

Oh!

Waah!

Whoo-hoo! Oh.

Who keeps blocking us? My dad's rich.

All right, let's see what's on the bully calendar next.

"Hit Cooper with basketball."

Oh!

Okay, didn't get to that one in time.

Wait, there's something huge.

"Friday after gym class,

our biggest, meanest prank ever."

Meaner than trying to drown someone with a broken leg?

We should call the police, Jack. I'm fearing for our lives.

I thought you wanted to be a dad.

No, I'm on the fence. I've been saying that.

Feet up. Feet up.

Get out of the way!

Humiliating defeat, life wasted.

This place is filthy.

Why aren't you wearing the paper booties I put out?

Sorry, Mom.

That's some way to talk to me after I made you pumpkin bread.

I'm tired of being overworked and underappreciated.

What do you want? Sex?

I want you guys to clean up after yourselves.

- Okay, we're out. - Grab the pumpkin bread.

Oh, look at this cute mother-of-pearl spoon

and this dream catcher.

I think I'm gonna buy these...

On Amazon later.

Thank you! Your store is so cute.

Good thing I sell cocaine out the back.

There you are! Mrs. H, we got a situation.

Duncan's acting all responsible, and it sucks!

Sorry, Bex, but after 15 years of babying Duncan,

I'm finally enjoying some me time.

I just almost bought something.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

Annie and I are off to the desert to do ayahuasca.

We are?

You said I could choose the next thing.

We want Dirty D back,

so we're asking you to make like a mother

and sacrifice your happiness for a bunch of damn kids.

No, I want Duncan to grow up to be self-sufficient,

and I want to day-drink.

Ugh, we all do, but if you don't get him back

to being an incompetent goof,

we're gonna cut his tidy ass loose.

So what's it gonna be?

Do you want a helpless kid or a friendless kid?

Yikes.

Gym lets out in 15 minutes, and I can't find any signs

of the biggest, meanest prank ever.

Did you check for super glue on the toilet seats?

- Duh, yeah. - Did you inspect the shampoo

for Nair and the lockers for murder hornets?

- Obvi. - Did you check

the tampon dispenser for dynamite?

- No! - Ugh, you're not thinking

like a 12-year-old girl.

Come on, Bryce.

All right, I'll do a dynamite sweep.

You check the towels for itching powder.

Busted.

Nuh-uh. You're busted.

You're not pranking anyone today.

Uh-huh. Hello, police?

There's two old creeps in the girls' locker room.

One barely fits in his shirt,

and the other looks like an alcoholic weatherman.

Once the cops hear our explanation,

I think we'll still be in trouble.

Wow. You were thirsty, Arthur.

Dunkie, you know how much I enjoy walking in your room

and not gagging from a wall of stench.

- I do. - But you got to bring back

- the funk, Dunk. - Huh?

The truth is--

I love housework and miss doing it.

Well, we can do it together.

No, it must be me and me alone.

It is my identity. I am nothing without it.

Yeah, that's true.

You don't have a lot else going on.

- Hmm. - Here.

I was gonna clean the toilet next,

but I can see how much it means to you.

Thanks for taking the time

to teach me all those life skills, Mom.

Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.

Maybe I'll use them again, but doubtful.

The next woman in my life

will probably want to take care of me, too.

I could be flying on ayahuasca

in the desert right now.

Well, looks like Darryl and Chip are sex offenders.

That's why you always have backstories and fake IDs.

How the hell did those mean girls find us out?

Maybe 'cause you kept peeking around corners and high-fiving?

Sorry I let you down, honey.

I really wanted those girls to see what a great kid you are.

Don't need 'em. I made real friends.

Yeah.

My mom says you're too old for me,

but she doesn't know what you smell like.

Besides, you've got nothing to feel bad about.

I'm lucky to have a dad who cares so much

and a Bryce who will definitely make a great father.

I'm not afraid, Jack.

I'm ready for the toughest job I'll ever love.

Oh!

The crotch of my jeans, it just ripped.

Welcome to the club, Dad.

Ah!

This is your life now. We'll never leave you alone!

Let's kick tween ass.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome aboard.

I'm Captain Sullenberger, your pilot and new dad!

I'm his husband. Me!

Baby was my idea. Had to talk him into it.

Will you guys excuse me a minute?

Okay, Bryce, time to teach me to fly.

- Still never said that. - Come on, man.

I Denzel'd you into daddyhood.

- Switch, switch! - Okay.

This is the thrust lever.

Now take the wheel, and...

we're lifting off!

Don't let go. Don't let go.

I won't. My family's on this flight.

Annie, kids, I'm flying the plane!

Whoa, I'll never let go!

Captioned by Captionmax