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1
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:04,921
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:08,967
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:13,096
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:17,058
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,648
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:25,984
Ooh!
8
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,652
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
9
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:29,195
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
10
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,620
{\an8}You're strong, Daddy.
Break it!
11
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,247
{\an8}Oh, no.
That's just a gimmick
12
00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:40,790
{\an8}to get suckers worked up
13
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,625
{\an8}so they buy a phone case
they don't need.
14
00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:44,044
{\an8}If you can break it,
it's free.
15
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,086
{\an8}Gimme!
16
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,379
{\an8}Why won't you break?
17
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:48,381
{\an8}I! Want! You!
18
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:49,799
{\an8}So! Bad!
19
00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:51,801
{\an8}Ah, this could be a while.
20
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:55,055
{\an8}They actually let you camp out
in the store for three weeks?
21
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,765
{\an8}Well, I had to do
a little light vacuuming
22
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:59,392
{\an8}and help steal customer data,
but I'm first in line
23
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:01,728
{\an8}for the Distractor 12,
the last smartphone
24
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,480
{\an8}I'll ever need
for the next six months.
25
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,774
{\an8}I heard it has a new
texting and driving feature
26
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,734
{\an8}where the phone drives
while you text.
27
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,319
{\an8}I heard it lets you
talk to the dead.
28
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,987
{\an8}First of all,
I'm excited to say
29
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:12,989
{\an8}we received enough
phones for all of you.
30
00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:15,742
{\an8}I'm even more excited
to announce
31
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,994
{\an8}that we sold all but one
to Russian bots!
32
00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:20,121
{\an8}- Da!
- Boo!
33
00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:21,998
{\an8}This is an outrage!
34
00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:23,500
{\an8}I've been standing
next to a lady who peed
35
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,293
{\an8}in a bucket for three weeks!
36
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:28,046
{\an8}Hey, a little respect.
I'm still your mayor.
37
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,548
{\an8}To make this experience
even more annoying,
38
00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:32,467
{\an8}we're randomly
sending out a code
39
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:36,638
{\an8}to one customer in line who will
receive the last Distractor 12.
40
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,181
Bex, you're a religious freak.
41
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,766
Hit up your boy God for me.
42
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,726
Almighty Lord,
43
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:47,315
deliver thy pin code unto Yangzi
who art in line.
44
00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:48,650
I got it!
45
00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:49,984
I got the Distractor!
46
00:01:49,984 --> 00:01:51,903
I'm better than all y'all!
47
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:54,364
- Aww.
- Congratulations, Yangzi.
48
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:55,782
I know how much you wanted this.
49
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,409
Yeah, dude, whatever.
50
00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,869
Wait.
I wasted a miracle on that?
51
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:02,330
My youth pastor's
in the hospital.
52
00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:04,541
Aaaah!
53
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,668
No mercy, Jing!
No mercy!
54
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:08,378
Mom, look!
55
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,088
Pop Sockets, Pop Sockets,
Pop Sockets!
56
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,131
Sock puppets?
57
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,424
What are you saying?
Slow down.
58
00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,551
A Pop Socket is an amazing
invention that helps you hold
59
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,220
your phone for hours, even
after carpal tunnel sets in.
60
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,763
I need one or I'll die!
61
00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:20,432
- Okay, get one.
- You're amazing.
62
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,475
I love you forever. Thanks.
63
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,060
No, I mean you pay for it.
64
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,229
I hate you!
You make me sick!
65
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:28,106
Hey! Enough, damn it.
66
00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,942
You want this damn crap,
then you need to get a damn job.
67
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,986
That's right, I've been
binging old episodes
68
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,738
of Bernie Mac again.
69
00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:38,033
{\an8}America, I'm sick and tired
of these damn kids.
70
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:40,618
{\an8}If Kimberly keeps talking
about Pop Sockets,
71
00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,912
{\an8}she's gonna get
popped in her socket.
72
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,290
When I was your age,
I babysat all the time.
73
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:48,668
I even made enough money to
buy a VHS tape of No Way Out
74
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,462
starring Kevin Costner.
75
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,757
Can't I get a job
more in my skill set,
76
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,592
like guessing which pills
middle-aged women are on?
77
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,719
You're babysitting,
and that is final.
78
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,513
Geez, take your
benzos and estrogen.
79
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,349
Benzos and estrogen?
80
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:06,895
I'm gonna bend-zos kids over
and whip their ass-trogens.
81
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,481
Quit it!
Kimberly, you psycho!
82
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:14,861
Mom, Kimberly stuck her
Cinnabon in my hair!
83
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,781
I'm acting out 'cause I don't
want to be a stupid babysitter!
84
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:20,200
Duncan, just eat around it.
85
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,912
I'm trying!
86
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,623
Why does this always happen
on Sugar for Dinner night?
87
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:30,168
Just plant 'em in front
of the TV and let 'em crash.
88
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:31,503
Hi, Bradley.
89
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:33,171
I shot a flamethrower today!
90
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,423
I'm pwanting
an organic garden.
91
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,217
- Hey, Patricia.
- Hello, Annie.
92
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,594
- Kids, huh?
- I know, we mom so hard.
93
00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:41,513
Don't we, girl?
Welp, it's wine o'clock.
94
00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:42,681
Bye! Ha ha!
95
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:46,893
Ha ha. It's 4:00, girl.
96
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,311
And check this out.
97
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:50,647
The Distractor 12
takes reverse selfies!
98
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,440
Ba-lam!
Back of my head!
99
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,900
How did it do that?
100
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,403
Who cares?
Blam! CAT scan app!
101
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,322
Damn, dude!
Your rotator cuff is shot!
102
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:01,533
Who cares? I live so close
to the cell tower,
103
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,618
my internal organs are
probably like fried chicken,
104
00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:06,454
but this signal's so good, I get
breaking Worldstar headlines.
105
00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:07,664
So? We all do.
106
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,624
From tomorrow!
107
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:10,709
Whoa!
108
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:11,751
Damn!
109
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:14,546
Dr. Fauci and Lizzo
announced they're dating!
110
00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:15,588
Say what?
111
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:16,965
Oh, no!
112
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,466
They just called it quits.
113
00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:21,177
I thought Fizzo was forever.
I'm out.
114
00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,972
Hey, this is fun and all,
but it's 2:00 a.m.,
115
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,807
and my mom's upset
we've been shouting
116
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,976
"whoa" and "damn" so much.
117
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,020
Yeah, I have to be up
at 5:00 a.m.
118
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:33,064
to make my grandma
hard-boiled eggs. Good night.
119
00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:34,941
Your loss, 'cause
the clicks keep coming.
120
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,526
"Soldier Reunites
With Favorite Stripper.
121
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,486
You'll Cry Your Eyes Out."
Like.
122
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,030
"Serial Killer Faints
During Sentencing."
123
00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,072
Like.
124
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,324
"Woman Stabs Sister
Over Last Curly Fry."
125
00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:45,285
Hmm.
Like and share.
126
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,205
Class, you're in for a treat.
127
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:51,958
I finally completed
my Hamilton-esque musical,
128
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,293
but from England's
point of view.
129
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,794
It's called George.
130
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,421
♪ I'm George, I'm George ♪
131
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,839
♪ And I like to eat porridge ♪
132
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,299
♪ 'Cause I'm British
and I'm skittish ♪
133
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,426
♪ About Valley Forge ♪
134
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,845
Hey, Yangzi, I'm spittin'
my heart out here.
135
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,221
Phone down!
136
00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,514
"Man Lucky To Be Alive
137
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:08,350
After Firework Thrown
Inside Of His Convertible."
138
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:09,851
- Like.
- What the hell?
139
00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,269
Your battery's dead.
140
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:14,397
"Meth Head Dressed As Santa
Won't Stop Doing Pull-Ups."
141
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:15,482
Like.
142
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,359
He just got the Distractor 12.
143
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,361
He's been on it all night.
144
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:23,156
Yeah, he accidentally sent me
a reverse nude this morning.
145
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,241
Oh, no.
I had to attend a boring
146
00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:27,494
two-hour Zoom
conference about this.
147
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,454
It's called "Scrolliosis."
148
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:30,830
And it's hella fatal.
149
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,582
Or somethin' bad.
150
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,334
I turned my screen off
to eat cereal.
151
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,544
Bottom line,
he's tweaked out on data,
152
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:38,088
and I gotta take his phone.
153
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,715
Duncan, Wolf, hold him down.
154
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,509
Bex, put your book bag
over his head.
155
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,886
The rest of you,
sign these NDAs.
156
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,054
Okay, here we go.
157
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,348
Mia, if he kills me,
you're the teacher.
158
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,933
Yes!
159
00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:54,270
Dislike!
160
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,232
Okay, Kimberly.
161
00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:59,567
All great babysitters
have one thing in common.
162
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:01,820
Their moms are too cheap
to buy them a Pop Socket?
163
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,655
No, they keep the kid alive.
164
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:07,283
The number one threat
to any child...
165
00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:08,660
the deadly grape.
166
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:10,370
{\an8}Goo-goo, ga-ga.
167
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,081
{\an8}That grape looks too big
for my tiny throat,
168
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:16,126
{\an8}but I'm going to pop it
into my mouth anyway.
169
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,337
{\an8}I'm acting.
170
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:22,424
Just remain calm,
take off the child's shoe,
171
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,592
and tickle their foot
until they giggle it out.
172
00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:26,136
I'm pretty sure
you do the Heimlich.
173
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,512
We'll see about that.
174
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,389
- Doodle-iddle-iddle...
- Ha ha ha ha!
175
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:34,769
Tickle... feet!
176
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,438
Ticky-tick-tick-ticky...
177
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:40,817
Why am I even doing this?
No one's responded to my flyer.
178
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,611
You put up one!
On a bee's nest!
179
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,447
For people
who gather fresh honey.
180
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:51,870
While gathering fwesh honey
for my herbal tea this morning,
181
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:55,040
I noticed your advertisement.
182
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,043
We require your services
this evening.
183
00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,544
Get out of here,
you little freak!
184
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,046
You need a babysitter?
185
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:04,632
My pwarents got tickets to
This American Life on Ice,
186
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:08,678
and my regular sitter is
doing her dissertation at MIT.
187
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,930
I don't know what any of
that means, but she'll take it!
188
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,016
Mommy, no!
189
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:15,977
I spent 36 hours
in labor with that child.
190
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:18,980
She can spend a couple hours
doing some child labor!
191
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,941
Damn, it's hard coming up
with these turns of phrase.
192
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:25,070
Hey! I used to be able to
smoke these on this network!
193
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,739
That's some bull,
Fox Standards!
194
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:34,079
Okay, Kimberly,
we just have a few
195
00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:36,164
healthy boundaries
for Bradley.
196
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:39,334
No screens, no sugar, no games
with chutes and/or ladders,
197
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,753
{\an8}no music after 1930,
and make sure
198
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:44,005
{\an8}he takes his
Mare of Easttown Vitamins.
199
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,717
{\an8}I like to eat
the ponytail first.
200
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:49,678
I promise Bradley
will get my full attention.
201
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,012
What's your Wi-Fi password?
202
00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,430
Oh, we don't have Wi-Fi.
203
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,140
It turns your insides
to fried chicken.
204
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,183
Come on, honey.
205
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,769
I want to see Ira Glass
lace up his skates.
206
00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:01,856
Bonsoir, Patwicia.
207
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,608
So what do we do
for the next three hours?
208
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,776
Play peek-a-boo or some crap?
209
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:07,028
Heavens no.
I have a snack--
210
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,614
one gwape, cut safely
in half lengthwise,
211
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:12,575
then tuck myself in
to read Dostoevsky.
212
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,285
Good night.
213
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,705
Wow, a whole night
to myself with...
214
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,332
No Wi-Fi!
215
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,751
Well, I do have a lot
of homework to do.
216
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:26,965
"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."
217
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,633
God, pick a lane.
218
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:29,884
Screw this.
219
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,886
I'm gonna snoop.
220
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,680
Hmm. ED?
221
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,515
I thought her husband's name
was Tom.
222
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,728
Oh, my God, it's huge!
223
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:41,896
{\an8}Who needs a tote bag this big?
224
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,898
{\an8}And why do they keep it
in their nightstand?
225
00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:46,735
Ugh, this place is so boring!
226
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,153
Huh?
227
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:50,530
Oh, that's right.
She's a therapist.
228
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:53,825
Straitjackets and people's
private pain--yes, please.
229
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:02,500
Wow.
The air is salty with tears.
230
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,545
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
231
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,213
Of course, I'll have
to report what you told me
232
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,381
to the authorities.
233
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,549
Whee!
234
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,093
Her secret files!
235
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:13,720
Ugh.
236
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,138
Eee!
237
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,059
No! No!
238
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,268
I'm not addicted to my phone.
239
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,437
I just need something to keep
my hands busy at parties.
240
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:23,480
Come on, guys.
241
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,273
It's your boy!
242
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,734
It's just an overnight
detox, dude.
243
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,861
Your phone is killing you.
244
00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,988
And you're annoying
the hell out of us!
245
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,908
Just let me see how Jason
Derulo's vacation is going.
246
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,284
He needs engagement!
247
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,664
He's Hulking the duct tape!
248
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:42,832
Run!
249
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:43,958
Aah!
250
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,504
♪ Jason Derulo! ♪
251
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,172
Ugh. That is it.
252
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:51,508
I am putting him
out of his misery.
253
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,134
- Bex, no!
- What?
254
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,637
I'd want you to bash
my brains in.
255
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:57,389
I love babysitting!
256
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:58,807
Home invasion!
Aah!
257
00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:00,141
I knew you'd love it!
258
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,434
So what did you like most?
259
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,770
A parent's trust?
A child's hug?
260
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,855
Rubbing your bare feet
all over their carpet?
261
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,941
- That was always my favorite.
- I liked the part
262
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,401
where I got the money
and it was over.
263
00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:11,403
They're even having me
back tomorrow night!
264
00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:13,488
More importantly,
I learned so much,
265
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,824
like why Helen Diggins
always smells like bananas.
266
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:18,952
It's because she likes to
smear them all over her body!
267
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,246
Gross!
And how do you know this?
268
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,831
Patricia is Helen's therapist.
269
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:24,207
It was in her secret file.
270
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,918
Kimberly,
you're in a position of trust.
271
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,169
You're not supposed
to be snooping.
272
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:29,879
So, you don't want to hear
273
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:33,550
what Old Man Johnson can't stop
doing in a public bathroom?
274
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:35,010
Let me get some wine.
275
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,429
Aw, it's so sad that Mr. Mitch
276
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,889
never got the approval
of Mee-maw Mitch.
277
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:43,101
Here's one that'll pick us up.
"Mayor Jen's Hit and Run."
278
00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:45,103
Ooh.
"Annie Harris!"
279
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,355
Let's see what this
psycho's up to.
280
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,357
I'm not a patient
of Patricia's.
281
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,693
"Annie Harris
is not my patient..."
282
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,695
- See?
-"But she should be."
283
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,989
Oh, why do I always
jump in so fast?
284
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,908
"She parents her children
with TV, sugar,
285
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:01,786
and unfettered access
to flamethrowers."
286
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,163
One time!
287
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,707
"She stresses out
her poor husband so much,
288
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,585
"I once saw him eat
an entire sheet cake,
289
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:09,919
"crouched in the bushes,
290
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,213
singing 'happy birthday to me'
while weeping."
291
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,049
Candles and all.
292
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:17,385
But it's not your fault.
I'm just powerless over cake.
293
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,304
She's blaming me
for everything.
294
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,806
Ugh.
I'm a damn fine matriarch.
295
00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:24,059
- Cheers to that!
- Ah!
296
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:26,394
Nobody judges my mom but me!
297
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,229
No way I'm babysitting
for her tomorrow.
298
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:29,814
Oh, yes, you are!
299
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:31,566
Because we're the bigger people.
300
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,651
- Right, honey?
- Hell no!
301
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,070
While she's babysitting,
302
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:37,364
we're gonna snoop the crap
out of Patricia's house
303
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,990
to get dirt on her.
304
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,617
Don't you want to hear
about Coach Walters'
305
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,577
alternate personality Kirk?
306
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,454
Coach Walters is Kirk?
307
00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:47,874
(groans)
308
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,959
He's not yelling anymore.
309
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,212
Yo, Yangzi!
You dead?
310
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,552
How long was I running
full-speed into the door?
311
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,804
About 12 hours.
312
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:02,138
Ah! What is that
313
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,891
giant fiery ring light
in the sky?
314
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,226
Are you talking about
the sun?
315
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,104
Wow.
Has that always been there?
316
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,730
Whoa!
A flying emoji!
317
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,565
No, that's just a butterfly.
318
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,819
How did I not notice all
this dope stuff before?
319
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:17,570
Because you were
too busy following
320
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,156
the Twitter fight between Olivia
Rodrigo and Oscar the Grouch.
321
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,366
He called her trash
322
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,034
and she didn't realize
it was a compliment.
323
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:25,328
Welp, I got bit by
a weird bug out here
324
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:28,123
and I can't feel my leg,
so I'm going to urgent care.
325
00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:29,541
Later!
326
00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:31,543
Super proud of you, Yangzi.
327
00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:32,585
See?
328
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,547
I told you that serious
addiction is not that serious.
329
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,298
All right, I'm just
gonna stay here and marvel
330
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,092
at all the wonders around me!
331
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,594
Real life is my
social media now.
332
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,807
Hello, little emoji.
333
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,559
I like you.
334
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:49,602
Like, like...
335
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,479
Like. Like.
Like. Like.
336
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,857
Likelikelikelikelike.
337
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,279
Okay,
Bradley made his chamomile tea,
338
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,322
read me his one-act play,
and put himself to bed.
339
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,907
Let's do some snooping.
340
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,535
Annie, I'm not really
on board with this.
341
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:08,747
Jack, this woman accused me
of ruining my family's life
342
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,582
with my poor choices!
343
00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:13,376
Now help me ransack her house.
Jing's home alone.
344
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,712
I turned on the stove
all by myself!
345
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,339
I told you, I've already
been through this place.
346
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:18,715
You're not gonna find anything.
347
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,467
That's 'cause
you're an amateur!
348
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,219
When I was babysitting,
I was the queen of snooping.
349
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,638
I found Polaroids
in a bag of frozen peas
350
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,848
that ended a marriage!
351
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,224
Jack, pull up the carpet!
352
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,185
Kimberly, those books
might be hollow!
353
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,895
Crack one open
for once in your life!
354
00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:33,563
Jeez, Mom, you don't
have to get mean.
355
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:35,106
Sorry, sorry!
356
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:36,649
My heart is racing!
357
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,526
Guys, I found something
under the carpet.
358
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,362
Original hardwood floors!
359
00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:42,238
These are gorg!
What were they thinking?
360
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,740
Why don't you go home
and watch Jing?
361
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:47,327
My imaginary friend dared me
to jump from this window!
362
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,828
Yep, yep, yep.
363
00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:55,377
There's gotta be
an ex-husband's corpse
364
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,419
in these walls.
365
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,713
Kimberly, use your little
hands and feel around.
366
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,882
- What are you doing?
- Huh?
367
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:05,929
Kimberwy, Annie,
you twashed my house.
368
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,933
America, I should have
bought her the damn Pop Socket.
369
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,476
Or the damn sock puppet.
370
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,728
Whatever the damn
thing's called.
371
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,689
Sorry about all
the language tonight.
372
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,695
Bradley, I'm begging you,
as your babysitter,
373
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,029
don't tell your mom about this.
374
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,406
Think of all the fun
we had together.
375
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:25,865
Remember when
I let you go to bed?
376
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,242
That was fun.
377
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:29,285
Okay, my wips are sealed.
378
00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,830
For a pwice.
379
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:34,124
There's one thing
I always dweam of doing,
380
00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:35,959
but mother always says no--
381
00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:39,129
late night bweakfast at Danny's.
382
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,381
Danny's? You mean that
Denny's-type restaurant
383
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,465
that's called Danny's?
384
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:45,468
Late night at Danny's
is no place for a child!
385
00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:49,973
I want to experience the freak
show that is the weal America.
386
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:52,225
And also try
the Choconana waffles.
387
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,729
Or I tell mother
you ransacked our house.
388
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:56,813
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
389
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:59,232
Danny's, freaks, waffles,
and then home!
390
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,650
Smart girl.
391
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,154
Swish.
392
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,822
Hey, yo, D. Check it out.
393
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,616
I call it, Latte Registration.
394
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:10,535
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
395
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,495
Oh, Kanye. Ha. Cool.
396
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,414
- Do you like it?
- It's cool.
397
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,249
Yeah, but do you like it?
398
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,542
- It's cool.
- Yeah.
399
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,627
But do you like it?
400
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,755
I like it!
Leave me alone!
401
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,548
Thank you for your
validation!
402
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:26,426
Support Black women!
403
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,428
Get the hell out of my house!
404
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,430
Yes!
405
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,600
I'm just stopping by to say,
406
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,769
don't let your haters
get you down!
407
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,187
I have haters?
408
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:40,523
Oh, and could you go tell
some strangers what I just said?
409
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:43,735
You want me to retweet you
in real life?
410
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,320
And throw this gif
in there too!
411
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,781
Yangzi.
412
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:49,949
Oh! Print that out for me.
413
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:52,660
♪ Let's go out at night ♪
414
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:55,038
Coming through.
Watch your feet.
415
00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:56,873
♪ Let's go out at night ♪
416
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:59,209
Hah! Hah! Hah!
417
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:02,587
Wow.
It's as horrible as I dweamed.
418
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:05,173
Okay, Bradley.
Please finish your waffles.
419
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,842
That one-eyed guy
is maddogging me.
420
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,387
And something just
crawled over my foot.
421
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,264
Yup, it's an iguana.
422
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,349
I'm out.
423
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:17,185
Wait, I--I didn't
try boysenberry!
424
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,397
Ahh.
425
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,357
Stay in school, little man.
426
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,114
{\an8}Oh, God, an improv group
after their show.
427
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:30,365
{\an8}We got out just in time.
428
00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:32,200
{\an8}- Great yelling tonight.
- Yeah!
429
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,078
{\an8}Have you ever noticed the louder
we are, the funnier we are?
430
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:37,580
{\an8}Okay, Bradley.
Into your car seat.
431
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:40,667
{\an8}I've got to get you home
before your mother finds out.
432
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,293
Scwew Patwicia!
433
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:45,130
I've tasted fweedom and sywup!
434
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:49,009
I want to listen to explicit
lyrics and stream Euphoria!
435
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,552
My phone!
436
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:52,345
I'll kill you, you monster!
437
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:57,100
I bewong to the niiight!
438
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:58,643
That guy is good.
439
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,895
- Aah!
- Ohh!
440
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,981
Hear me, hear me!
441
00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:05,233
Marvel at my
uninformed opinion!
442
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,318
That hat you're wearing, sir?
Mm-mm.
443
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:08,486
That ain't it, chief!
444
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:11,072
The salesman said it was it.
445
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,907
Listen, Yangzi,
we're proud of you
446
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:14,659
for kicking your
online addiction,
447
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,578
but you just transferred it
to real life.
448
00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:19,080
I don't follow.
Follow. Follow.
449
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,416
Yangzi, I'm gonna try
to be nice about this.
450
00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:23,752
You're acting like a psycho
and everyone hates you.
451
00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:25,378
Ah, I see your problem.
452
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,172
You all still have your phones.
453
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:29,883
You just need to get woke
to the dopeness of real life.
454
00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:32,010
Oh.
455
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:34,763
The whole world does.
456
00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:36,431
Your eyes are
pinwheeling, man.
457
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:37,932
I'm gonna knock out
that cell tower
458
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:40,143
and get people off
their phones forever.
459
00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:42,771
♪DepowerTheTower!
Whoo!
460
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:45,023
Damn it.
We have to follow him, don't we?
461
00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:52,781
Hello, stwange dog.
462
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:55,116
I'm gonna pet you
and name you Foamy.
463
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:57,786
Huh?
464
00:17:57,786 --> 00:17:59,204
Show's over, Stewie!
465
00:17:59,204 --> 00:18:01,206
Hee-yeah!
466
00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,041
Let's ride, Foamy!
467
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:08,171
Oh, God,
he's riding a rabid dog.
468
00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:10,632
This is going poorly.
469
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:18,056
I'm on top of the world!
470
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:22,560
I'm staying here till my insides
turn to fwied chicken, Mother!
471
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,187
Bradley, is that you?
472
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:25,522
Yangzi, my word.
473
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,190
What are you doing here?
474
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:28,775
Destroying the demon
Wi-Fi that traps us
475
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,860
in a technological dystopia.
You?
476
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:33,196
I'm hopped up on sugar
and acting out.
477
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:35,824
I'm tired of living
in Patricia's
478
00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:37,450
overpwotective bubble!
479
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,703
Hey, little dude,
that don't look very safe.
480
00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:42,455
Stop twying to control--
uh-oh.
481
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,624
- Aaah!
- Oh!
482
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:47,919
Oh, my God!
483
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:50,505
My phone!
It's gotta be so scared!
484
00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:52,424
Save me, Yangzi!
485
00:18:52,424 --> 00:18:53,758
Save me.
486
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:57,345
I'll give you precious
likes and follows!
487
00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:00,223
Likes and follows.
488
00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:02,392
Your eyes are weverse
pinwheeling, man.
489
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:05,145
Don't worry, Bradley.
I'll save your livestream.
490
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,523
Guess who's bizzack?
Ha-ha!
491
00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:11,234
It's ya boy Yangzi, hanging
with my main man Bradley,
492
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,319
who's dangling for his life.
Say what up, B.
493
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,196
Pwease, help me.
494
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,032
As a brave sufferer
of Scrolliosis,
495
00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:19,534
I'm gonna use my remaining
strength to save this child.
496
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:23,204
So smash that like button!
Here we go!
497
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,789
Huh?
498
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,084
Ha ha!
499
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,754
Ahh.
500
00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:32,088
I'm getting so many likes,
501
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:35,175
we're floating to safety
on my validation.
502
00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:37,510
Oh, my God!
They're plummeting!
503
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,096
This is going poorly!
504
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,103
Thanks for calling 9-1-1.
505
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:48,730
Yeah,
that's what a sane person does
506
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,190
when someone's in trouble.
507
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,528
Oh, thank God.
508
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,114
You see what happens when you
break the healthy boundaries?
509
00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,158
This is exactly
what I was afraid of.
510
00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:01,993
I met a biker chick.
511
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:04,496
You know, I think
what we learned tonight
512
00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:06,498
is that being a mom is hard,
513
00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:08,750
and that's why women
have to support each other.
514
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,044
Get help, you lunatic.
515
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,587
Oh, she's right.
516
00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:15,423
- I'm a disaster of a mother.
- Whatever.
517
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,550
You're a hardworking,
frazzled, fun mess
518
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,177
who sometimes gives us
donuts for dinner.
519
00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:20,595
And I'm glad
'cause otherwise,
520
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:22,639
I'd end up a weird-ass kid
like Bradley.
521
00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:24,015
Oh, yeah.
I mean, there's gonna be
522
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:26,309
a disturbing documentary
about him someday.
523
00:20:26,309 --> 00:20:28,186
And I'm gonna tell Patricia
this was all my fault
524
00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:29,729
so she has to apologize to you.
525
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,481
You mom hard, girl.
526
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:33,775
Also, you're taking me
to the mall tomorrow
527
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:36,319
- and buying me whatever I want.
- Deal.
528
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:38,863
Well, America,
is Annie Mac perfect?
529
00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:39,906
No.
530
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:42,909
But as long as my kids love me,
I'm all right with that.
531
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,869
Oh, and I took Kimberly
to the mall.
532
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:46,705
I didn't buy her jack.
533
00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:48,373
My kids don't tell me
what to do.
534
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:50,667
And neither do you,
Fox Standards.
535
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,836
I'm smoking this damn thing!
536
00:20:52,836 --> 00:20:53,962
A carrot?
537
00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:56,965
Which one of you
swapped my cigar for a carrot?
538
00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,304
{\an8}I never thought this whole
ordeal would end with you
539
00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,931
{\an8}being one of my patients.
540
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,266
{\an8}First day in therapy, people!
541
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:08,476
{\an8}She gonna fix my head up
real good.
542
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,145
{\an8}Mental health is mental wealth!
543
00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:12,272
{\an8}Sit down and stop
quoting my coasters.
544
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,940
{\an8}What is meant for you
will not pass you by.
545
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:14,983
{\an8}Okay, I'm done.
546
00:21:14,983 --> 00:21:17,527
Save me, Patricia!
547
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:18,945
{\an8}I broke into a bakery!
548
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:21,781
{\an8}I ruined some poor
couple's wedding!
549
00:21:23,825 --> 00:21:25,785
{\an8}Just turn a little more
my way.
550
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:29,039
How's this?
551
00:21:35,879 --> 00:21:37,881
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