Original subtitles

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

You're strong, Daddy. Break it!

Oh, no. That's just a gimmick

to get suckers worked up

so they buy a phone case they don't need.

If you can break it, it's free.

Gimme!

Why won't you break?

I! Want! You!

So! Bad!

Ah, this could be a while.

They actually let you camp out in the store for three weeks?

Well, I had to do a little light vacuuming

and help steal customer data, but I'm first in line

for the Distractor 12, the last smartphone

I'll ever need for the next six months.

I heard it has a new texting and driving feature

where the phone drives while you text.

I heard it lets you talk to the dead.

First of all, I'm excited to say

we received enough phones for all of you.

I'm even more excited to announce

that we sold all but one to Russian bots!

- Da! - Boo!

This is an outrage!

I've been standing next to a lady who peed

in a bucket for three weeks!

Hey, a little respect. I'm still your mayor.

To make this experience even more annoying,

we're randomly sending out a code

to one customer in line who will receive the last Distractor 12.

Bex, you're a religious freak.

Hit up your boy God for me.

Almighty Lord,

deliver thy pin code unto Yangzi who art in line.

I got it!

I got the Distractor!

I'm better than all y'all!

- Aww. - Congratulations, Yangzi.

I know how much you wanted this.

Yeah, dude, whatever.

Wait. I wasted a miracle on that?

My youth pastor's in the hospital.

Aaaah!

No mercy, Jing! No mercy!

Mom, look!

Pop Sockets, Pop Sockets, Pop Sockets!

Sock puppets?

What are you saying? Slow down.

A Pop Socket is an amazing invention that helps you hold

your phone for hours, even after carpal tunnel sets in.

I need one or I'll die!

- Okay, get one. - You're amazing.

I love you forever. Thanks.

No, I mean you pay for it.

I hate you! You make me sick!

Hey! Enough, damn it.

You want this damn crap, then you need to get a damn job.

That's right, I've been binging old episodes

of Bernie Mac again.

America, I'm sick and tired of these damn kids.

If Kimberly keeps talking about Pop Sockets,

she's gonna get popped in her socket.

When I was your age, I babysat all the time.

I even made enough money to buy a VHS tape of No Way Out

starring Kevin Costner.

Can't I get a job more in my skill set,

like guessing which pills middle-aged women are on?

You're babysitting, and that is final.

Geez, take your benzos and estrogen.

Benzos and estrogen?

I'm gonna bend-zos kids over and whip their ass-trogens.

Quit it! Kimberly, you psycho!

Mom, Kimberly stuck her Cinnabon in my hair!

I'm acting out 'cause I don't want to be a stupid babysitter!

Duncan, just eat around it.

I'm trying!

Why does this always happen on Sugar for Dinner night?

Just plant 'em in front of the TV and let 'em crash.

Hi, Bradley.

I shot a flamethrower today!

I'm pwanting an organic garden.

- Hey, Patricia. - Hello, Annie.

- Kids, huh? - I know, we mom so hard.

Don't we, girl? Welp, it's wine o'clock.

Bye! Ha ha!

Ha ha. It's 4:00, girl.

And check this out.

The Distractor 12 takes reverse selfies!

Ba-lam! Back of my head!

How did it do that?

Who cares? Blam! CAT scan app!

Damn, dude! Your rotator cuff is shot!

Who cares? I live so close to the cell tower,

my internal organs are probably like fried chicken,

but this signal's so good, I get breaking Worldstar headlines.

So? We all do.

From tomorrow!

Whoa!

Damn!

Dr. Fauci and Lizzo announced they're dating!

Say what?

Oh, no!

They just called it quits.

I thought Fizzo was forever. I'm out.

Hey, this is fun and all, but it's 2:00 a.m.,

and my mom's upset we've been shouting

"whoa" and "damn" so much.

Yeah, I have to be up at 5:00 a.m.

to make my grandma hard-boiled eggs. Good night.

Your loss, 'cause the clicks keep coming.

"Soldier Reunites With Favorite Stripper.

You'll Cry Your Eyes Out." Like.

"Serial Killer Faints During Sentencing."

Like.

"Woman Stabs Sister Over Last Curly Fry."

Hmm. Like and share.

Class, you're in for a treat.

I finally completed my Hamilton-esque musical,

but from England's point of view.

It's called George.

♪ I'm George, I'm George ♪

♪ And I like to eat porridge ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm British and I'm skittish ♪

♪ About Valley Forge ♪

Hey, Yangzi, I'm spittin' my heart out here.

Phone down!

"Man Lucky To Be Alive

After Firework Thrown Inside Of His Convertible."

- Like. - What the hell?

Your battery's dead.

"Meth Head Dressed As Santa Won't Stop Doing Pull-Ups."

Like.

He just got the Distractor 12.

He's been on it all night.

Yeah, he accidentally sent me a reverse nude this morning.

Oh, no. I had to attend a boring

two-hour Zoom conference about this.

It's called "Scrolliosis."

And it's hella fatal.

Or somethin' bad.

I turned my screen off to eat cereal.

Bottom line, he's tweaked out on data,

and I gotta take his phone.

Duncan, Wolf, hold him down.

Bex, put your book bag over his head.

The rest of you, sign these NDAs.

Okay, here we go.

Mia, if he kills me, you're the teacher.

Yes!

Dislike!

Okay, Kimberly.

All great babysitters have one thing in common.

Their moms are too cheap to buy them a Pop Socket?

No, they keep the kid alive.

The number one threat to any child...

the deadly grape.

Goo-goo, ga-ga.

That grape looks too big for my tiny throat,

but I'm going to pop it into my mouth anyway.

I'm acting.

Just remain calm, take off the child's shoe,

and tickle their foot until they giggle it out.

I'm pretty sure you do the Heimlich.

We'll see about that.

- Doodle-iddle-iddle... - Ha ha ha ha!

Tickle... feet!

Ticky-tick-tick-ticky...

Why am I even doing this? No one's responded to my flyer.

You put up one! On a bee's nest!

For people who gather fresh honey.

While gathering fwesh honey for my herbal tea this morning,

I noticed your advertisement.

We require your services this evening.

Get out of here, you little freak!

You need a babysitter?

My pwarents got tickets to This American Life on Ice,

and my regular sitter is doing her dissertation at MIT.

I don't know what any of that means, but she'll take it!

Mommy, no!

I spent 36 hours in labor with that child.

She can spend a couple hours doing some child labor!

Damn, it's hard coming up with these turns of phrase.

Hey! I used to be able to smoke these on this network!

That's some bull, Fox Standards!

Okay, Kimberly, we just have a few

healthy boundaries for Bradley.

No screens, no sugar, no games with chutes and/or ladders,

no music after 1930, and make sure

he takes his Mare of Easttown Vitamins.

I like to eat the ponytail first.

I promise Bradley will get my full attention.

What's your Wi-Fi password?

Oh, we don't have Wi-Fi.

It turns your insides to fried chicken.

Come on, honey.

I want to see Ira Glass lace up his skates.

Bonsoir, Patwicia.

So what do we do for the next three hours?

Play peek-a-boo or some crap?

Heavens no. I have a snack--

one gwape, cut safely in half lengthwise,

then tuck myself in to read Dostoevsky.

Good night.

Wow, a whole night to myself with...

No Wi-Fi!

Well, I do have a lot of homework to do.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

God, pick a lane.

Screw this.

I'm gonna snoop.

Hmm. ED?

I thought her husband's name was Tom.

Oh, my God, it's huge!

Who needs a tote bag this big?

And why do they keep it in their nightstand?

Ugh, this place is so boring!

Huh?

Oh, that's right. She's a therapist.

Straitjackets and people's private pain--yes, please.

Wow. The air is salty with tears.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Of course, I'll have to report what you told me

to the authorities.

Whee!

Her secret files!

Ugh.

Eee!

No! No!

I'm not addicted to my phone.

I just need something to keep my hands busy at parties.

Come on, guys.

It's your boy!

It's just an overnight detox, dude.

Your phone is killing you.

And you're annoying the hell out of us!

Just let me see how Jason Derulo's vacation is going.

He needs engagement!

He's Hulking the duct tape!

Run!

Aah!

♪ Jason Derulo! ♪

Ugh. That is it.

I am putting him out of his misery.

- Bex, no! - What?

I'd want you to bash my brains in.

I love babysitting!

Home invasion! Aah!

I knew you'd love it!

So what did you like most?

A parent's trust? A child's hug?

Rubbing your bare feet all over their carpet?

- That was always my favorite. - I liked the part

where I got the money and it was over.

They're even having me back tomorrow night!

More importantly, I learned so much,

like why Helen Diggins always smells like bananas.

It's because she likes to smear them all over her body!

Gross! And how do you know this?

Patricia is Helen's therapist.

It was in her secret file.

Kimberly, you're in a position of trust.

You're not supposed to be snooping.

So, you don't want to hear

what Old Man Johnson can't stop doing in a public bathroom?

Let me get some wine.

Aw, it's so sad that Mr. Mitch

never got the approval of Mee-maw Mitch.

Here's one that'll pick us up. "Mayor Jen's Hit and Run."

Ooh. "Annie Harris!"

Let's see what this psycho's up to.

I'm not a patient of Patricia's.

"Annie Harris is not my patient..."

- See? -"But she should be."

Oh, why do I always jump in so fast?

"She parents her children with TV, sugar,

and unfettered access to flamethrowers."

One time!

"She stresses out her poor husband so much,

"I once saw him eat an entire sheet cake,

"crouched in the bushes,

singing 'happy birthday to me' while weeping."

Candles and all.

But it's not your fault. I'm just powerless over cake.

She's blaming me for everything.

Ugh. I'm a damn fine matriarch.

- Cheers to that! - Ah!

Nobody judges my mom but me!

No way I'm babysitting for her tomorrow.

Oh, yes, you are!

Because we're the bigger people.

- Right, honey? - Hell no!

While she's babysitting,

we're gonna snoop the crap out of Patricia's house

to get dirt on her.

Don't you want to hear about Coach Walters'

alternate personality Kirk?

Coach Walters is Kirk?

(groans)

He's not yelling anymore.

Yo, Yangzi! You dead?

How long was I running full-speed into the door?

About 12 hours.

Ah! What is that

giant fiery ring light in the sky?

Are you talking about the sun?

Wow. Has that always been there?

Whoa! A flying emoji!

No, that's just a butterfly.

How did I not notice all this dope stuff before?

Because you were too busy following

the Twitter fight between Olivia Rodrigo and Oscar the Grouch.

He called her trash

and she didn't realize it was a compliment.

Welp, I got bit by a weird bug out here

and I can't feel my leg, so I'm going to urgent care.

Later!

Super proud of you, Yangzi.

See?

I told you that serious addiction is not that serious.

All right, I'm just gonna stay here and marvel

at all the wonders around me!

Real life is my social media now.

Hello, little emoji.

I like you.

Like, like...

Like. Like. Like. Like.

Likelikelikelikelike.

Okay, Bradley made his chamomile tea,

read me his one-act play, and put himself to bed.

Let's do some snooping.

Annie, I'm not really on board with this.

Jack, this woman accused me of ruining my family's life

with my poor choices!

Now help me ransack her house. Jing's home alone.

I turned on the stove all by myself!

I told you, I've already been through this place.

You're not gonna find anything.

That's 'cause you're an amateur!

When I was babysitting, I was the queen of snooping.

I found Polaroids in a bag of frozen peas

that ended a marriage!

Jack, pull up the carpet!

Kimberly, those books might be hollow!

Crack one open for once in your life!

Jeez, Mom, you don't have to get mean.

Sorry, sorry!

My heart is racing!

Guys, I found something under the carpet.

Original hardwood floors!

These are gorg! What were they thinking?

Why don't you go home and watch Jing?

My imaginary friend dared me to jump from this window!

Yep, yep, yep.

There's gotta be an ex-husband's corpse

in these walls.

Kimberly, use your little hands and feel around.

- What are you doing? - Huh?

Kimberwy, Annie, you twashed my house.

America, I should have bought her the damn Pop Socket.

Or the damn sock puppet.

Whatever the damn thing's called.

Sorry about all the language tonight.

Bradley, I'm begging you, as your babysitter,

don't tell your mom about this.

Think of all the fun we had together.

Remember when I let you go to bed?

That was fun.

Okay, my wips are sealed.

For a pwice.

There's one thing I always dweam of doing,

but mother always says no--

late night bweakfast at Danny's.

Danny's? You mean that Denny's-type restaurant

that's called Danny's?

Late night at Danny's is no place for a child!

I want to experience the freak show that is the weal America.

And also try the Choconana waffles.

Or I tell mother you ransacked our house.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Danny's, freaks, waffles, and then home!

Smart girl.

Swish.

Hey, yo, D. Check it out.

I call it, Latte Registration.

That's crazy. That's crazy.

Oh, Kanye. Ha. Cool.

- Do you like it? - It's cool.

Yeah, but do you like it?

- It's cool. - Yeah.

But do you like it?

I like it! Leave me alone!

Thank you for your validation!

Support Black women!

Get the hell out of my house!

Yes!

I'm just stopping by to say,

don't let your haters get you down!

I have haters?

Oh, and could you go tell some strangers what I just said?

You want me to retweet you in real life?

And throw this gif in there too!

Yangzi.

Oh! Print that out for me.

♪ Let's go out at night ♪

Coming through. Watch your feet.

♪ Let's go out at night ♪

Hah! Hah! Hah!

Wow. It's as horrible as I dweamed.

Okay, Bradley. Please finish your waffles.

That one-eyed guy is maddogging me.

And something just crawled over my foot.

Yup, it's an iguana.

I'm out.

Wait, I--I didn't try boysenberry!

Ahh.

Stay in school, little man.

Oh, God, an improv group after their show.

We got out just in time.

- Great yelling tonight. - Yeah!

Have you ever noticed the louder we are, the funnier we are?

Okay, Bradley. Into your car seat.

I've got to get you home before your mother finds out.

Scwew Patwicia!

I've tasted fweedom and sywup!

I want to listen to explicit lyrics and stream Euphoria!

My phone!

I'll kill you, you monster!

I bewong to the niiight!

That guy is good.

- Aah! - Ohh!

Hear me, hear me!

Marvel at my uninformed opinion!

That hat you're wearing, sir? Mm-mm.

That ain't it, chief!

The salesman said it was it.

Listen, Yangzi, we're proud of you

for kicking your online addiction,

but you just transferred it to real life.

I don't follow. Follow. Follow.

Yangzi, I'm gonna try to be nice about this.

You're acting like a psycho and everyone hates you.

Ah, I see your problem.

You all still have your phones.

You just need to get woke to the dopeness of real life.

Oh.

The whole world does.

Your eyes are pinwheeling, man.

I'm gonna knock out that cell tower

and get people off their phones forever.

♪DepowerTheTower! Whoo!

Damn it. We have to follow him, don't we?

Hello, stwange dog.

I'm gonna pet you and name you Foamy.

Huh?

Show's over, Stewie!

Hee-yeah!

Let's ride, Foamy!

Oh, God, he's riding a rabid dog.

This is going poorly.

I'm on top of the world!

I'm staying here till my insides turn to fwied chicken, Mother!

Bradley, is that you?

Yangzi, my word.

What are you doing here?

Destroying the demon Wi-Fi that traps us

in a technological dystopia. You?

I'm hopped up on sugar and acting out.

I'm tired of living in Patricia's

overpwotective bubble!

Hey, little dude, that don't look very safe.

Stop twying to control-- uh-oh.

- Aaah! - Oh!

Oh, my God!

My phone! It's gotta be so scared!

Save me, Yangzi!

Save me.

I'll give you precious likes and follows!

Likes and follows.

Your eyes are weverse pinwheeling, man.

Don't worry, Bradley. I'll save your livestream.

Guess who's bizzack? Ha-ha!

It's ya boy Yangzi, hanging with my main man Bradley,

who's dangling for his life. Say what up, B.

Pwease, help me.

As a brave sufferer of Scrolliosis,

I'm gonna use my remaining strength to save this child.

So smash that like button! Here we go!

Huh?

Ha ha!

Ahh.

I'm getting so many likes,

we're floating to safety on my validation.

Oh, my God! They're plummeting!

This is going poorly!

Thanks for calling 9-1-1.

Yeah, that's what a sane person does

when someone's in trouble.

Oh, thank God.

You see what happens when you break the healthy boundaries?

This is exactly what I was afraid of.

I met a biker chick.

You know, I think what we learned tonight

is that being a mom is hard,

and that's why women have to support each other.

Get help, you lunatic.

Oh, she's right.

- I'm a disaster of a mother. - Whatever.

You're a hardworking, frazzled, fun mess

who sometimes gives us donuts for dinner.

And I'm glad 'cause otherwise,

I'd end up a weird-ass kid like Bradley.

Oh, yeah. I mean, there's gonna be

a disturbing documentary about him someday.

And I'm gonna tell Patricia this was all my fault

so she has to apologize to you.

You mom hard, girl.

Also, you're taking me to the mall tomorrow

- and buying me whatever I want. - Deal.

Well, America, is Annie Mac perfect?

No.

But as long as my kids love me, I'm all right with that.

Oh, and I took Kimberly to the mall.

I didn't buy her jack.

My kids don't tell me what to do.

And neither do you, Fox Standards.

I'm smoking this damn thing!

A carrot?

Which one of you swapped my cigar for a carrot?

I never thought this whole ordeal would end with you

being one of my patients.

First day in therapy, people!

She gonna fix my head up real good.

Mental health is mental wealth!

Sit down and stop quoting my coasters.

What is meant for you will not pass you by.

Okay, I'm done.

Save me, Patricia!

I broke into a bakery!

I ruined some poor couple's wedding!

Just turn a little more my way.

How's this?

Captioned by Captionmax