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1
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:04,921
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:08,967
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:13,096
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:17,058
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:21,604
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:23,648
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:25,984
Ooh!
8
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,652
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
9
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:29,195
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
10
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:34,451
{\an8}No sister should have
to bury her little brother.
11
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,953
{\an8}Stan was a kind, loving soul
12
00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:39,456
{\an8}who was taken from us
much too soon.
13
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,166
{\an8}Too soon, Lord!
14
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:42,667
{\an8}Much too soon!
15
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,044
{\an8}Yes, it was. Settle down.
16
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:47,380
{\an8}Stan died alone,
facedown in a public toilet
17
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:48,882
{\an8}at the local water park.
18
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,550
{\an8}His body was so bloated,
19
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,053
{\an8}everyone assumed he was
an inflatable pool toy.
20
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,597
{\an8}But even in the end,
he gave joy to the children
21
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,599
{\an8}who rode him
down the lazy river.
22
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:58,892
{\an8}Anyhoo, he's dead,
23
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:01,561
{\an8}and his sins and gambling debts
are now forgiven.
24
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,730
{\an8}- Let us pray.
- Oh, rats!
25
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,066
{\an8}Oh, tough break,
Frankie the Weasel.
26
00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:10,612
{\an8}Okay, they're gone.
27
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,072
{\an8}You can get up, Uncle Stan.
28
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,573
{\an8}- Hey.
- Oh!
29
00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:14,657
{\an8}Sorry.
30
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:16,951
{\an8}I never get used to that part
of your fake funerals.
31
00:01:16,951 --> 00:01:18,119
{\an8}You went off script, Annie.
32
00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:19,579
{\an8}You were supposed to say I died
33
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:20,914
{\an8}donating too much bone marrow.
34
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,916
{\an8}I thought corpse pool toy
35
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,417
{\an8}was more believable for you.
36
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,920
{\an8}Well, thanks anyway for doing
my monthly fake funeral.
37
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,047
{\an8}Hey, I heard Frankie the Weasel
38
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,757
{\an8}sent a deli platter
to your house.
39
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:31,841
Let's eat!
40
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:33,677
How come you were crying
41
00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:35,553
if you knew he was alive
the whole time?
42
00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,139
There are very few places
a man can openly weep,
43
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,933
and I take advantage.
44
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,643
Ooh, the Carlson funeral.
45
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:42,727
Yes!
46
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:50,235
Ha.
47
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:52,570
- What's Uncle Stan doing?
- Stealing gas.
48
00:01:52,570 --> 00:01:54,572
It's something people did
in '70s movies.
49
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:55,657
Ah.
50
00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:56,991
There's nothing like a good cry
51
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,576
followed by a deli plate.
52
00:01:58,576 --> 00:01:59,828
What a great day.
53
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,162
That was the worst turnout
54
00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:03,331
of any of Stan's fake funerals.
55
00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:06,167
One day, I'm afraid
he actually will die alone.
56
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,210
Not necessarily.
57
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,795
If he's murdered,
he wouldn't be alone.
58
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,089
Uncle Stan
is gonna get murdered?
59
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,590
Oh, sweetie, no.
60
00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:14,926
Not for a long, long time.
61
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:16,636
But if he does end up
sad and alone,
62
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,096
I'm gonna wonder, did I really
63
00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:19,764
do everything I could
to help him?
64
00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:22,726
I lose sleep thinking
the same thing about Duncan.
65
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,728
Ugh!
66
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,980
My stupid neck ribbon
won't come off.
67
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:31,568
You take your eyes off him
for one second.
68
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:34,154
All right, I might have
swallowed some of that gas,
69
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,072
so no one come
into the bathroom for a while.
70
00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:37,449
Stan, wait.
71
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,826
It was sad seeing you
in that casket today
72
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,119
with no one who loved you.
73
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,245
Good point.
74
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,580
Next time, I'll pay
a pretty lady
75
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:44,664
to be my widow.
76
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:45,874
No, you need someone
77
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:47,292
to be a better person for.
78
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,752
Like Jack is for me.
79
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:51,504
Love you, baby.
80
00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:53,256
"What exactly
are you suggesting?"
81
00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:55,342
he asked for himself,
but also for the audience.
82
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,177
I'm gonna help you
turn your life around.
83
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,638
It is time to settle down,
pay for gas, and get married.
84
00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:02,098
I appreciate your concern,
85
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,100
but outside of
crippling bouts of loneliness,
86
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,185
I'm okay.
87
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,853
Oh, God, I'm so lonely.
88
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,646
Do I even exist?
89
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:09,981
See? It passes.
90
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,524
Stan, what you need
91
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,568
is the real girlfriend experience,
92
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,236
and I'm gonna give it to you.
93
00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:16,321
I'm only five,
94
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,990
but even I know
you said that wrong.
95
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,784
You know what?
I've got a couple hours.
96
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,744
So go ahead.
Turn my whole life around.
97
00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:24,621
Ugh, now my shoes
won't come off.
98
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:26,915
Should I cut your pants off,
99
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,625
or do you want to do it?
100
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,131
Hey, Duncan.
101
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:38,051
Why aren't you dressed for gym?
Mesothelioma?
102
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,303
According to the shows
my grandma watches,
103
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:42,055
that's what everyone has.
104
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,932
No, trying
to get out of dodgeball.
105
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,393
I can't throw
or catch or dodge.
106
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,395
It's like they figured out
all your weaknesses.
107
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,562
You'd die in the wild.
108
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,606
Wouldn't last a day.
109
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,817
Harris, why aren't you
in gym clothes?
110
00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:55,318
Oh, I forgot them again.
111
00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,403
Whoops.
112
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,862
I'll let you off today,
113
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,156
but show up without gym clothes tomorrow,
114
00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,158
and you're gonna play naked!
115
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:04,244
You can't make me do that!
116
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,787
Yes, he can.
117
00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,916
His pee-pee's sizzlin'!
118
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:16,339
Are you sure this
is a men's clothing store?
119
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:19,509
Where are all the airbrushed
"Ass, Gas, or Grass" T-shirts?
120
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,761
Stan, don't make suggestions
or think.
121
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,054
Just try these on.
122
00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,432
Once I finish
"Queer Eyeing" you,
123
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,101
you're gonna be up to your ears
in sensible women.
124
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,352
And khaki.
125
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,271
Baby bro, let's go.
126
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,780
♪ Nails, hair, hips, heels ♪
127
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,657
♪ Face done, lips real ♪
128
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,492
♪ Purse full, big bills ♪
129
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:46,453
♪ Yes, I'm a big deal ♪
130
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:48,371
♪ Legs, legs, face, eyes ♪
131
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,081
♪ Thin waist, thick thighs ♪
132
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:52,208
♪ You, me, you wish ♪
133
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:54,210
♪ New phone, who this? ♪
134
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:55,587
♪ Patty, pat, pat,
chew the gum, gum, gum ♪
135
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:56,796
♪ I'm a one ♪
136
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:59,090
♪ Girl, what did that girl
just say, girl? ♪
137
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:01,217
Harris family,
I present to you
138
00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:04,054
the new and improved,
not too exciting,
139
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:06,181
very much marriage material
140
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,558
Uncle Stan!
141
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,311
Sorry,
had to finish my cigarette.
142
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,896
I smoke outside now.
143
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:14,064
Ooh!
144
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,398
Zamn, Zuncle.
145
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:16,858
Wow.
You're a complete dork now.
146
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:17,942
Congrats.
147
00:05:17,942 --> 00:05:20,111
Where's my brother-in-law?
148
00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:24,324
All I see is this smokin' hot
Olive Garden bartender.
149
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,658
And you don't smell like
150
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,078
when Mommy dropped
that bottle of wine anymore.
151
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:29,996
There's a lot of stuff
I don't smell like anymore,
152
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,373
and I feel fantastic.
153
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,457
Thanks, sis.
154
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,125
And to make sure
I don't backslide
155
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,294
within ten minutes,
I'm gonna burn my old stuff
156
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,588
and put Scumbag Stan
to rest for good.
157
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:41,591
Whoa, that's your box
of stuff for scams.
158
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:42,842
Are you sure
you want to give it up?
159
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:44,803
You've ruined
so many lives with this.
160
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:47,222
Look, I'm Hagrid!
161
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,140
"I could have saved
Harry Potter
162
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:52,769
from his terrible stepfamily,
but I didn't."
163
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:55,105
What's this
neck-brace-looking thing?
164
00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:57,440
- Oh, it's a neck brace.
- A neck brace?
165
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,483
Yeah, I used it
166
00:05:58,483 --> 00:05:59,609
to get out of things
I didn't want to do,
167
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:01,528
like help friends move
or serve my country.
168
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,987
Or get out of gym class
169
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,656
and showering after gym class
170
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:05,907
and showering.
171
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,743
Hmm.
172
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:11,788
Okay, kids.
173
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,665
Keep your eye
on this unprotected fire.
174
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,417
Your dad and I
are taking Uncle Stan
175
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,669
for ballroom dance lessons.
176
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:18,712
Isn't ballroom dancing
177
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,422
for people who died
on the Titanic?
178
00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:23,299
Sensible women want a man
who knows how to waltz,
179
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:25,677
even though there's nowhere
to dance a waltz.
180
00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,512
Maybe you should come, Duncan.
181
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:30,306
I've always wanted us to have
a mother-son dance.
182
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:31,808
Can't. Doctor's orders.
183
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,309
Oh, right. Feel better.
184
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,568
Drinks are complimentary
185
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,361
if you were dragged here
by your wife.
186
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,488
We both know I was.
187
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:46,698
I'm nervous.
188
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,867
All these women look smart
and hard to trick.
189
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:50,535
You don't need
to trick anybody.
190
00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:52,912
You're a bathed and kind man.
191
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,749
Ugh, there's my neighbor
Helen Diggins.
192
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,418
I thought I smelled
a gallon of rose water.
193
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,461
Hello, Annie.
194
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:00,628
I'd like you to meet Jody,
195
00:07:00,628 --> 00:07:02,422
my recently heartbroken niece
196
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,923
who makes an incredible living,
197
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,760
but is tired of the ego
of high-income men.
198
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,095
Hmm. I'm Stan,
199
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,805
a recently transformed
ne'er-do-well.
200
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:11,931
Would you care to waltz?
201
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,017
I'd be delighted.
202
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,728
Oh, how sweet.
Well, have fun.
203
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:19,939
I'm just gonna waltz
over to the bar.
204
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,567
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
205
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:27,197
Annie Harris,
you meddle so hard.
206
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,369
You look like an idiot.
207
00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:33,620
Don't care. I like it.
208
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,330
It's like a big hug
for my neck.
209
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:39,501
Stan got back late
last night,
210
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:40,752
and he wasn't alone.
211
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:43,421
I heard noises,
if you know what I mean.
212
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,507
- I don't.
- Oh, my God.
213
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:46,883
Stan got lucky?
214
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,677
Do you think
they're moving too fast?
215
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,303
Doesn't mean it's not real.
216
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,847
You put out on our first date.
217
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,516
Annie!
218
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,518
Good morning, everyone.
219
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:59,062
Well, someone's
in a good mood.
220
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,855
How do you like your eggs?
221
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,440
I like 'em runny.
222
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:07,696
Huh?
223
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,786
Who's a good boy?
224
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,037
Give me a kiss.
225
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,622
I love it
when you feed me bacon.
226
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,125
Don't forget the grease.
227
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,002
Mmm...
228
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,670
A pig died for that.
229
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,006
How did this happen?
230
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,632
When we left,
you were cheek to cheek
231
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:28,967
with Helen's niece!
232
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:30,719
Oh, Jodie.
Yeah, she's nice.
233
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:34,305
- But she's not my type.
- So your type is that?
234
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,059
Helen's an amazing person.
235
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,477
She's well-read, well-traveled.
236
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,021
We're both banned
from Facebook.
237
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,647
Also, I'm into old women.
238
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:43,690
That's impossible.
239
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,608
- No one is.
- That's not true.
240
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:48,069
What about Susan Sarandon
and that ping-pong guy?
241
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,362
I loved them.
242
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,364
And what about
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore?
243
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,825
And Keanu Reeves
and that woman his age?
244
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,160
Really, Stan,
245
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,495
sleeping with an old lady
to take her money?
246
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:59,456
That was you in high school.
247
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,207
Hey, I wanted a dirt bike.
248
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,710
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going back upstairs
249
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,920
to enter the gates of Helen.
250
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,089
Oh, put me in the swing, lover.
251
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:12,719
He brought his sex swing in
from the van?
252
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,804
I'm gonna play
on the swing too.
253
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,306
Have fun, honey.
254
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:17,807
- Jack!
- Right, right, right.
255
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:28,360
Gym sucks today.
256
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,612
You're so lucky
you're fake injured.
257
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,155
Yup. No gym.
258
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:34,532
And I don't have to stand
for the Pledge of Allegiance.
259
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:35,742
Awesome!
260
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:38,078
That neck brace is like
a cheat code for life.
261
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,371
I wish I had one.
262
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:41,623
My friend Xavier invited me
to a spoken word performance,
263
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:42,957
and I want to get out of it.
264
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,376
You guys don't know him.
265
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,628
- He's one of my smart friends.
- We don't care.
266
00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:49,714
You can borrow my brace
after gym today, Mia.
267
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,049
You all can borrow it
268
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,884
as long as you don't mind
a little rash.
269
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,719
Spoken word tonight at 6:00!
270
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,181
Yeah, brace me.
271
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,684
That one looks like
a guy with a coat hanger
272
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:02,268
breaking into
a vending machine.
273
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,605
That one looks like
a pair of compression socks.
274
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,565
You mean the ones I'm about
to pull off you with my teeth?
275
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,025
Come here.
276
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,111
Oh, Stanley.
277
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,031
Those two make me sick.
278
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,866
What's your problem, Mom?
They're cute together.
279
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,326
Love is love.
280
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:20,620
Yeah, I'm totally rooting
for "Stelen."
281
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,373
Stelen?
What the heck's a Stelen?
282
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,500
- What does that mean?
- Stan and Helen.
283
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:26,876
It's their names
mushed together,
284
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,045
like celebrities
who are doomed to break up.
285
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:30,296
You know,
your mom and I tried that
286
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,799
with our names,
but "Ack" never caught on.
287
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:35,301
I put a lot of work
into transforming Stan,
288
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:38,847
and once again, he makes
the worst life choice possible.
289
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,098
That's it.
290
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:42,475
I'm gonna help Jing
make a macaroni necklace,
291
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,311
then storm over there
and break their asses up.
292
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,148
Angry macaroni necklace. Yay!
293
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,733
Ooh, Mom wants
to break up Stelen.
294
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:50,775
Juicy.
295
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,194
Her generation
just doesn't get it.
296
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,947
You're gonna be helping
my buds out today.
297
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:58,158
Brace yourself, brace...
298
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,868
for adventure.
299
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:10,962
Nope.
300
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:16,760
Logan Paul,
if it wasn't for my injury,
301
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,220
I'd be beating you to death
tonight!
302
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:20,722
Get well soon, ass-face.
303
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,767
Why do I start these beefs?
304
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,310
And I've been wearing it
ever since
305
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:26,811
my very brave tour of duty.
306
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:27,896
I'd take it off,
307
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:30,065
but my neck's
nothing but shrapnel.
308
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,902
Excuse me, Steve.
309
00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,862
I have a mild neck injury.
310
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,238
What the hell y'all doing?
311
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,782
Get that little girl
and her grandma
312
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:40,033
up here right now.
313
00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:47,040
Survey says: thank you.
314
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,125
Glad you all
enjoyed Bracey
315
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,919
and got things
you didn't deserve.
316
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,087
I'll take it back now.
317
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:55,131
I don't want to give it up.
318
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,676
Grandma and I are auditioning
for Wheel of Fortune,
319
00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:59,177
and I need sympathy.
320
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,553
I want it too.
321
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,139
We've got six pallets
of pizza meat coming in today.
322
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,642
Do you know how heavy
uncut pepperoni is?
323
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,726
No, I need it.
324
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,019
I lost myself in my lie,
325
00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:09,896
and now Sergeant Hank Mullen
is engaged.
326
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,439
Wolf,
thank you for your service,
327
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:14,401
but only one of us is at risk
of getting murdered on Twitch.
328
00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:17,612
There's gotta be a solution.
329
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:18,863
We could mark a calendar
330
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,448
and each have it
one day a week?
331
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:22,867
Or we could have
a no-holds-barred
332
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,119
cage match to the death?
333
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,164
Puzzles with you is fun.
334
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,417
You can put in
the word "Hindenburg."
335
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:33,086
Did you know
I was almost on it?
336
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,713
- I overslept.
- Ah!
337
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,464
Party's over, pervs.
338
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:38,925
Hi, Uncle Stan
and Aunt-Grandma Helen.
339
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:41,177
Stan, I will not let you
break Helen's heart.
340
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,804
She is a dear friend,
341
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:45,682
and we depend on her
for a snowblower in the winter.
342
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,766
I don't get it, Annie.
343
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,268
I thought you wanted me
to find a woman.
344
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,603
I even waxed
my happy trail arrows for you.
345
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,605
And now, in the throes
of passion, I have to point.
346
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,732
I wanted you
347
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,984
to be with someone
appropriate for you.
348
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:58,028
Like that fun cashier
at 7-Eleven
349
00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:00,697
with the quirky glasses
who's always sketching horses.
350
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,323
She wears Doc Martens
without socks.
351
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,950
I know her feet stink.
352
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,202
You just can't accept Helen
because I made the choice.
353
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,288
Not you.
You're a control freak, Annie.
354
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,415
What? I am not.
355
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:12,375
Jack, tell them
I'm not a control freak.
356
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:16,755
Keep my wife's name
out your freaking mouth!
357
00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,923
If you didn't like that one,
I can scream it again.
358
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,633
You've been like this
our whole lives.
359
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:24,137
Remember my good post-grunge,
techno death metal band?
360
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:27,849
♪ Sniper in the grass ♪
361
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:29,809
Stan, what are you doing?
362
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,228
Your shift at Captain Clucky's
started at four o'clucky,
363
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:34,356
which is how
the managers ask us to say it.
364
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:36,024
But we got
our first gig tonight.
365
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,942
It's an open mic
at Dropout's Bar.
366
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,444
Absolutely not.
367
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,654
Captain Clucky's is a real job.
368
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,490
This band
is never going anywhere.
369
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,533
- Move it!
- Ugh.
370
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:46,951
Can I try singing?
371
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,661
Sure thing, Eddie Vedder.
372
00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:52,415
♪ Oh, sniper ♪
373
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:55,919
♪ Sniper in the grass, yeah! ♪
374
00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:58,755
Stan, I'm sorry.
375
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:01,383
I had no idea
you felt that way about me.
376
00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:04,260
And I do want you to be happy
and find someone
377
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,054
you can actually
spend your life with.
378
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:07,389
Well, I found her.
379
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:09,766
Is this happening?
380
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:13,311
Helen Anita Diggins,
I don't even have a ring,
381
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:14,771
and honestly,
there's a good chance
382
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:16,564
I'm gonna sit
on the couch all day
383
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,817
while you support my lazy ass,
384
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,653
but I swear I'm gonna love you
like no man ever has.
385
00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:22,862
Will you marry me?
386
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,906
You know,
after my ex Bert left me,
387
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:28,034
I want a guy who stays put
and has no options.
388
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:31,287
Mi Social Security
es su Social Security.
389
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:33,123
I love you, Stan.
390
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,376
Ooh, said I wasn't
gonna do this.
391
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,961
Are you okay with this?
392
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,046
I have two words
393
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,381
for this relationship.
394
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,050
To Stelen!
395
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,593
Ah.
396
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:46,928
Oh!
397
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:50,640
He's kidding, right?
398
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:57,605
Why are you dressed
like the magician
399
00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,649
who got arrested
after Jing's birthday party?
400
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:00,734
Well, I gotta look sharp
401
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,485
if I'm playing
with a wedding band.
402
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:04,070
Now, when Helen walks
down the aisle,
403
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,322
I was thinking of starting
with "Hot For Teacher"
404
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,742
and ending with
"And the Cradle Will Rock."
405
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:10,577
How about
"Here Comes the Bride"?
406
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,537
That's why you're in charge.
407
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,331
Which flower girl dress
should I wear?
408
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,792
Floor-length is so last season,
but I'm not sure
409
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,086
I have the shoulders
for "p'sghetti" straps.
410
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,254
A, that's adorable.
411
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,840
and B,
your shoulders slay, mama.
412
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,176
I need more chairs.
413
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,636
Helen wants
two sections for her friends:
414
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:32,015
smoking and heavy smoking.
415
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:36,102
Behold the prize.
416
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,354
Prepare your weapons.
417
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,022
Yangzi.
418
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:40,982
Float like a butterfly,
sting like Yangzi!
419
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:42,067
Trademark.
420
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:43,318
Wolf.
421
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:46,571
Mia.
422
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:49,324
Pizza meat your maker.
423
00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:50,533
Bex.
424
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,663
Duncan!
425
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:56,748
I'm Duncan.
426
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,958
And now we fight to the death!
427
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,210
Death fight!
428
00:16:04,089 --> 00:16:05,590
Oh, my neck!
429
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:09,344
Huh.
430
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:10,720
None of these really capture
431
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,722
Helen's weathered essence.
432
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:13,932
If you'd like, I could take
433
00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:16,393
a caramelizer torch
to this one's face.
434
00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:17,686
Oh, that could work.
435
00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:18,895
Where's Stan?
436
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:20,355
He was supposed to help us
pick this out.
437
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:22,190
There he is,
across the street.
438
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,485
Kissing another woman!
439
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,487
Oh, my God!
440
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,072
Stan's been lying to us!
441
00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,907
He hasn't changed at all.
442
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,325
Ooh!
443
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:35,120
Annie, what are we gonna do?
444
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,705
The wedding's in a few hours.
445
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:38,957
Nothing.
446
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:40,125
It's like Stan said.
447
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:43,169
I need to let him make
his own terrible choices.
448
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,754
And as for poor, poor Helen,
449
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,840
we'll just have to buy
our own snowblower.
450
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,427
Stelen!
451
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,766
Annie, you made
an honest man out of me.
452
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:59,185
Next time you see me,
I'll be Mr. Helen Diggins.
453
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,979
And tonight,
I'll be digging Helen's--
454
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:02,564
- Please stop.
- Love you, sis.
455
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:04,983
Love you, too, baby bro.
456
00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:07,235
Lying sack of crap.
457
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,570
I respect that you want
to stay out of this,
458
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:09,654
but fair warning:
459
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,322
when I play
Spandau Ballet's "True,"
460
00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:14,701
I will sing the word "true"
with great irony.
461
00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:19,748
Flowers, flowers,
462
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:22,208
trip, stand up very cute.
463
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:26,379
Gee, hope nobody caught that
adorable moment on their phone.
464
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:32,969
Well, aren't you
just darling?
465
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,305
I'll be back for that.
466
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,058
When she talks, my eyes burn.
467
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,439
We are gathered here
on next to no notice
468
00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:47,317
to bring together this guy
and his sister's neighbor.
469
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,694
As God said in the Bible,
"Love is cool."
470
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,738
Now, before we get
to kissing and dancing,
471
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,114
if anyone has any reason
472
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,491
these two
shouldn't get married,
473
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:56,242
speak now or forever wait
474
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,036
to gossip about it
at the reception.
475
00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:01,331
Let him make his own choices.
476
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:03,583
All right then.
Helen, do you take--
477
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,418
♪ I object! ♪
478
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,837
♪ You can find a better man ♪
479
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:09,756
Jack, what are you doing?
480
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,758
You know this is
the right thing, Annie.
481
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:12,884
You're right.
482
00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:14,427
Stan, I tried to stay
out of your life
483
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,638
and not be a control freak,
but we saw you
484
00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:19,432
at a coffee shop
kissing some hotsy-totsy lady!
485
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,726
♪ Hotsy-totsy lady ♪
486
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:24,020
Sorry,
are you talking about me?
487
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,063
Yes, you!
488
00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:27,023
Harlequin! Harlequin!
489
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,900
Okay. That's the wrong word.
490
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:31,444
And also,
I'm his sponsor in AA.
491
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,530
But you were leaning in
and kissing him all...
492
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:39,536
I was smelling his breath
to see if he was drunk.
493
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,037
When he told me he was marrying
494
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,455
an old lady he just met,
495
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,958
I assumed
he fell off the wagon.
496
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,876
But when I realized
he was sober
497
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:49,879
and really in love,
I was so happy for him.
498
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:54,050
Oh, so I probably should
have just stayed out of it.
499
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:58,304
♪ One question
would have cleared that up ♪
500
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,349
Well, if no one else
has any objections--
501
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:02,892
Stop the wedding!
502
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:03,935
Oh, damn.
503
00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:05,687
The game comes on in an hour.
504
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:06,730
Ugh.
505
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:07,814
So who are you,
506
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,649
and what's your
startling revelation?
507
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,359
I'm Burt, Helen's ex.
508
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,237
Baby, I can't stand
to see you with another man.
509
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:15,905
You know how jealous I get!
510
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,907
Well, it took you
long enough.
511
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:18,992
What?
512
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:20,160
Look, the truth is,
513
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,454
once a year,
I stage a fake wedding
514
00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,664
to get my ex interested again.
515
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:27,250
And she always gets me.
Don't you?
516
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:28,752
Don't you, H-bomb?
517
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,132
But I love you!
518
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:35,592
I got a vasectomy for you.
519
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:38,011
Ugh. They're reversible.
Calm down.
520
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,763
Helen, you're a monster.
521
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:41,097
You scammed me.
522
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,516
You... scammed me.
523
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,684
Yeah, sorry.
524
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,103
The love was fake, but the sex?
525
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,105
Very much real.
526
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:51,566
Come on, Burt,
let's wreck the buffet.
527
00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,276
Don't tell me what to do!
528
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,070
Anybody else
want to marry this dude?
529
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:57,280
No? Okay. I'm gone.
530
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,200
What a lying,
scheming con woman.
531
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,327
I'm more
in love with her than ever.
532
00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:04,704
And now another man's
gonna be digging Helen's--
533
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,873
Stop. I know you're hurting.
534
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,042
That's why I signed you up
at Telder,
535
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,627
the Tinder for elders.
536
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,380
Hot grannies in my area?
537
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,798
Annie, I don't deserve you.
538
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:16,216
Password?
539
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,176
Do we hook him up
with Octavia?
540
00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:21,388
Stavia!
541
00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:26,309
My brother and I
danced through the night,
542
00:20:26,309 --> 00:20:29,020
closer than ever,
until tragically,
543
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:31,856
he was crushed by Jack's
guitar amp and killed.
544
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,983
Anyhoo, he's dead,
and his sins
545
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,403
and wedding planning debts
are forgiven.
546
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,529
Crushed under an amp?
547
00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:38,822
Annie, you were
supposed to say
548
00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:40,448
I drowned
saving a boatload of nuns.
549
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:42,534
Oh, you got me again!
550
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:47,664
Well, we did it.
551
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,749
We ate the entire buffet.
552
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:50,959
Hold on.
553
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:52,669
There's one slice
of wedding cake left.
554
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:57,215
In my experience, there's
only one way to settle this.
555
00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,718
No-holds-barred
cage match to the death.
556
00:20:59,718 --> 00:21:00,760
Mom!
557
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,846
{\an8}I'm one hot mama.
558
00:21:02,846 --> 00:21:04,723
{\an8}Dad!
559
00:21:04,723 --> 00:21:05,849
{\an8}Ow!
560
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:06,933
{\an8}Kimberly!
561
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:09,561
{\an8}Oh, yes, Wic-can.
562
00:21:09,561 --> 00:21:11,354
{\an8}Jing!
563
00:21:11,354 --> 00:21:13,023
{\an8}I'm da bomb!
564
00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:14,399
{\an8}Uncle Stan!
565
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:16,860
{\an8}I smoke outside now.
566
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:19,946
{\an8}Mr. Mitch.
567
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,951
{\an8}Sorry, y'all. Munchies.
568
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:26,578
{\an8}What up, ghost dude?
569
00:21:26,578 --> 00:21:27,871
{\an8}Take me to hell.
570
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,797
{\an8}Captioned by Captionmax
40009
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