Original subtitles

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Mommy!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

Annie. Annie!

It's gremlins, and they're eating after midnight!

Get outta here!

That's not what I sound like.

You guys, scat!

Oh, our poor trash. It was so happy in our kitchen.

This is all because someone didn't want to pay

the extra five dollars for locking lids.

Hey, that five dollars got me this raccoon poison

that I didn't have the heart to use.

Ugh. Can't we just wait until the snow covers it?

The longer you complain about it, the longer it doesn't get done.

So, if we complain until the snow covers it...

Make with the rakes.

Come on.

Am I the only one having fun?

Ha! Ha!

Duncan, you accidentally threw away your report card.

"Still struggling with everything."

Going somewhere, Helen?

My older sister had a baby.

A living one?

She means we're just surprised because you're so old, and we--

How old do you think I am?

200--

Congratulations to your sister and her miracle child.

You should come with me, Duncan.

You might get baby fever.

Better than raking trash.

Uh, give your sister our best.

All right, everybody. That trash isn't gonna clean itself.

It's the city's problem now.

Well, there goes my day.

Kimberly, look. An adult guy in jorts.

I make $42 an hour.

That's good money, but...

Sorry about them.

Can I help... [laughs] ...you?

I have a package for Helen Diggins, and there's nothing in it I want.

Uh, you can leave it on her porch.

No, Jack.

I just read an article about the scourge of porch pirates in Porch Weekly.

Oh, I love Porch Weekly.

Their crosswords are so hard.

- She's married, dude. - Happily?

Hit the road, shorts.

We'll leave it in the back of the house. Porch pirates hate that.

Arr! The back of the house.

The day is lost, boys.

Arr.

Why are we doing a favor for Helen?

She treats us like crap, and she's always hitting on our son.

Look, she's an awful neighbor and predator,

but that's no reason to not be nice.

You're right, honey. Let's be good neighbors.

Splash?

Helen doesn't own anything that goes "splash."

That was a splash, right?

Oh, I know water, and that was a splash.

So this is what you could buy when you don't have kids?

A TV outside? Well, in all my years...

And there's a deck!

As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a deck guy

hosting epic backyard parties.

Inviting everyone in the neighborhood to my home but not in my home.

Flipping burgers, plating burgers, talking burgers,

and then everyone raises their burgers in my honor and yell,

"To Jack! The King of the Deck!"

You've wanted that as long as you can remember?

More than anything.

Helen's yard is so much cooler than ours, Mom.

Can we use it while she's gone?

Can we? Can we? Please, Mommy.

Please don't make us go back to that dump.

Our yard isn't that bad.

I'm Helen Diggins, and it's five o'clock somewhere.

Previously on Teen Housewives...

Kimberly, come on. We're outdoors now. You know you've gotta turn it up.

Tylan, I have to take our son to his soccer practice,

and then you have to take me to my soccer practice.

But, Brendell, my bike only seats two.

That does it. I'm serving you papers at semiformal.

Those two, always on the rocks.

Oh, man. This is the kinda resistance you just can't get on land.

- How long was that? - Four seconds.

Yes! New record.

Dunkie, you remember the first time I took you swimming?

Yes. You tell this story, like, 50 times a day.

The beach was packed for Fourth of July.

You walked into the lake, a fish brushed against your foot,

and you screamed, "Mommy!" and you ran out of the water.

I was there, Mom.

I'm not done.

But your trunks were too big, so they came right off.

And there it was, your itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button.

For all of Oakdale to see.

Remember that, Jack?

Remember what, honey?

The beach was packed for the Fourth of July.

Dunkie walked into the lake, and a fish--

Oh! All of Oakdale saw Duncan's button.

Sup?

Whoa, man. Where are you? Hawaii? Oh, I'm jealous.

Huh? Oh, yeah. Any time you guys don't see me, I'm in Hawaii.

Are we hearing the same fire truck?

What? No, uh-- I don't know. Some dude's grass skirt is burning.

You know I track you on my phone, right?

That's Ms. Diggins's yard.

She invites me over to talk about you a lot.

Okay, Old Lady Diggins is gone, so me and my family are "parasiting" her.

You look kinda cool by firelight, Duncan.

Makes you look like you have cheekbones.

I mean, I know they're not there, but still.

Yeah, you look like Willem Dafoe.

Oh, yeah, total Willem Dafoe.

Ladies, ladies. Can we go a day without Dafoe?

Hmm.

Kimber, can you take over the grill while these firemen put me out?

Sweet deck you got here.

You think so?

Oh, yeah. I'd trade the lust of every married woman in town for this.

Hey, Annie.

Hi, Lance.

Okay, we all had a fun day trespassing in our neighbor's yard. Time for bed.

What about our baths?

That's the beauty of a pool. Chlorine is nature's soap.

Is it also nature's toothpaste?

It's nature's everything. Good night.

- Whoo-hoo! - Yeah!

Slow down, big boy. We're going skinny-dipping.

Wow. I thought no bath was exciting.

You grab the wine, I'll grab my skinny-dipping T-shirt.

I'm having a body judgment day.

But everything else is gonna be free and floating towards ya.

-Sup? - Just chilling my cheekbones by the fire.

Wait. Duncan, are you still inside?

I made my own firepit.

Open a window!

Are you as sleepy as I am?

You're getting carbon monoxide poisoning. Stomp it out!

I'll call you right back.

Ow! Fire bad.

Pool loving and I'm feeling sexy ♪

♪ I got a T-shirt And it's down to my knees ♪

Take me to the deep end, Daddy.

What are you doing here?

Firepit cheekbones. Why are you naked?

Hope you brought the skinny 'cause I brought the dip.

Oh!

Poor Dunkie.

Why was it so important to go skinny-dipping?

Why didn't I wear a weird, oversized M&M's store man-dress like you?

Honey, don't beat yourself up.

You were naked and mistakenly propositioned your son. It happens.

But he looked so traumatized.

Like that time at Disneyland when he saw Jiminy Cricket smoking in the men's room.

Relax, Annie.

Kids see so much crazy stuff on the Internet these days,

it washes right over 'em.

I'm not my mother's daddy. I'm not my mother's daddy.

Oh, why isn't this working?

I'm tear-free, Daddy.

I'm a three-way bulb.

Why are you telling me that?

Thank God. A G-rated room.

- Can I sleep in here? - Sure.

Wanna play Barbies?

Today is laundry day.

My delicates are in the wash.

I see trauma.

Come on, Mom. It's our last day with Helen's yard.

We're having a pool party.

Yeah. Everyone's gonna be there. Bradley, Lil Joey...

Uh, that's all the people I know.

I'm not really in a bathing suit mood today.

Is this about Duncan seeing you naked? Dad told us. You definitely scarred him.

To the deck.

- Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Whoo-hoo! - Whoo!

Come on, honey. Helen'll be home in a few hours,

and this is my only chance to be King of the Deck.

They might even burger toast me.

Sorry, but I don't want my naked encounter with Duncan to become a thing between us.

He has to come down those stairs sometime.

My own son can't even look at me.

Yeah, devastating.

Anyhoo, if you change your mind about my deck party, I got jarts.

They're illegal.

So you saw your mom full-frontal?

And my dad's ass.

No!

And then my mom ran to get a towel,

but that just activated the backyard spotlight.

Slow down. So you saw your mom's everything?

Everything.

Sometimes it can help to talk about these things. Slowly.

I know it was a shock,

but it's kinda cute your parents still have romantic rendezvous.

What? I'm just tryna put a nice spin on a gross story.

I'll get over this eventually, right?

Oh, no. This is gonna jack you up for life.

Yeah. You can't unsee your mom's Frisbees.

I saw my mom naked once, and I tell everyone I meet.

Would you like to meet my mom?

Get outta here, man. I've warned you so many times.

I'm just gonna avoid her until I go to college.

Oh, no! I'm gonna have to go to college.

Okay, burgers cooking, beers chilling, potato salad spoiling.

Am I forgetting anything, Kimber?

- Uh, fun? - What do you mean?

This party sucks, Dad.

Everyone's just standing around.

Jing's making small talk with Mayor Jen.

Anyway, that's the summer my husband left me for a man.

What's your deal?

I can talk like a robot.

Beep beep boop bop!

I don't care for that.

I hope someone's house catches fire so I can leave without being rude.

You and me both, beefcake.

I thought your dream was to be a weird deck guy.

It is. That's why I did everything in this book.

Gimme that.

The problem is you have a big deck, but you don't have big deck energy.

You are saying "deck," right?

Uh-huh.

♪ Never charge for booze Give 'em free tattoos ♪

♪ Everything is all included Music never should be muted ♪

Big deck energy ♪

Big deck energy ♪

♪ Cornhole in the yard With Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪

♪ Telling all the ladies That your deck is big and hard ♪

Big deck energy ♪

Big deck energy ♪

♪ Wanna be a Deck Guy Gotta play the part ♪

♪ Get this party going Ow! Was that a jart? ♪

♪ Hey, everybody Look up here at me ♪

♪ I finally got Big deck energy ♪

Cannonball!

Big deck energy ♪

Big deck energy ♪

Ya feel me? ♪

Duncan, it's me. We need to talk.

Are you decent?

Oh, I'm wearing my butt-crack leggings. Hold on a sec.

I think we should talk so things don't get weird between us.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Dunkie.

I know it was strange because I'm your mom,

but if we were of the Swedish culture,

we would see each other naked all the time.

In the sauna, at dinner, at Ikea.

Mom, you're ruining Ikea. You know that's my favorite restaurant.

You know, cavemen would see their moms naked all the time.

Did you think about the cavemen, Duncan?

Of course I thought about the cavemen!

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

This'll just be one of your many funny, embarrassing stories

that you enjoy me telling to total strangers.

Please leave.

Okay, but I'm gonna leave this book of Renaissance paintings

- in case you're curious about-- - Just go!

Hey, Siri. How do I get something horrible out of my head?

There are six jart removal locations nearby.

No! Seeing my mom naked.

Searching "naked moms."

No! [sighs] Just forget it.

Searching "forget it."

Whoa. That's it.

Dunkie!

Leave me alone.

Wow, naked mom at the pool.

Well, Freud said trauma starts with the mama.

Whatever. Just help me stop seeing my mom's Frisbees.

Okay, but before I wipe the memory,

you must read these seven pages of risks and sign it--

- Wipe me. - It's not that simple.

You must find the memory of your mother,

and remove it without disturbing the others.

Memories are interconnected.

Like this metal pin on my chair.

You pull it out, the whole thing collapses.

I gotta think of another way to demonstrate that.

Yeah, yeah. If I need to remember something important,

Facebook will send me a notification.

You want your 20 bucks or not?

You're in a hallway lined with doors.

Behind each door are your most significant memories.

"Largest poops."

Don't get distracted. Find the door that says "Mom."

Got it. Hi-yah!

Kick!

Are those too tight in the crotch?

- Zip me up, Dunkie. - Blast!

Someone's going through puberty.

And that's where babies come from.

Suppository!

Nocturnal emission--

Take me to the deep end, Daddy.

Die, memory! Die!

Hot flash.

Just use the girls' room--

Teeny-weeny button. Kiss your grandma.

Butt-crack leggings. Crunchy sock?

Foreskin!

Yeah! Smoked her. Buh-bam!

Dude, you gotta release this for PlayStation.

- Am I cured? - That depends.

What do these Frisbees make you think of?

Uh, dogs?

You're cured.

Yes! You saved my life. And I got this sweet key chain.

Is this the jart removal place?

No, that's next door.

All right. Thank you.

Deck Guy says move right ♪

Deck Guy says move left ♪

Deck Guy keeps it tight ♪

Deck Guy, he don't mess ♪

- Deck Guy ♪ - Touch the sky ♪

I love dancing to songs that have instructions.

You're white, Jack. Of course you do.

Dad, I'm so proud of you.

I'm gonna do something I've never done before.

Hey, everyone, this is my dad!

All right, everyone raise your burgers in the air.

Oh, my God. Here it comes. The burger toast.

To my man, Jack, the King of the--

Hey! Are you Big Deck Jack?

If the apron fits...

We saw your party on Porch Weekly's Instagram feed.

Okay if we join?

Sure!

I'll throw two more "portobells" on the rack.

Hey! The old jerk said okay!

Uh-oh.

We're gonna need a bigger deck.

Sup, Mom? What's for lunch?

Sandwich--

W-Wait. Duncan, you're looking at me.

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Extra mayo, please.

So the incident over at Helen's...

Oh, I know something happened but can't remember what it was, so we cool.

Oh, Dunkie. It is so nice to have my baby boy back.

I was worried we were never gonna have any fun times together again.

Like that Fourth of July. The beach was packed.

You walked into the lake, and a fish brushed against your foot, and--

- Hey. You're not rolling your eyes at me. - Why would I?

You heard it a million times, and you hate it.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I just paid some brain dude to let me go ham on memories I don't want.

"Go ham."

You went ham on your brain?

So do you remember what happened at your sixth birthday party?

I turned six?

No! The clown scared you, and I beat him with his giant shoe!

And you started giggling and clapping, and it was adorable.

Sounds funny. Wish I was there.

You were there.

Oh, my God. You destroyed our memories.

Just the embarrassing ones. Who cares?

I care!

After I saved you from that fish on the Fourth of July,

you colored me a thank-you note,

and it was the first time you ever wrote, "I love you, Mommy."

I called it a "pish."

Those moments embarrass you now because you're a teenager.

But they're precious. You would've seen that one day.

You just didn't erase memories, you erased us!

My first new memory, and it sucks.

Helen's gonna be home any minute. Everybody, please go.

And if you could each just pick up one piece of trash on the way out...

I know we should do something about that, but my shift ended five minutes ago.

Whoa!

Ow!

Dad, do something!

Mr. Mitch, how do I stop this party?

Sorry, I just know how to get 'em started. Stopping 'em is a cop thing.

Excuse me. College kids, bad news: I-I gotta shut it down.

Shut it down? I thought you were Big Deck Jack.

You're right. Carry on.

She's going down!

Thank you for having us!

Jump, Dad!

No. I've got to go down with the deck.

Helen's home!

- What do we do? - There's only one thing we can do.

Run like hell?

Language, and yes!

You wiped all my childhood memories, and now my mom is sobbing into a sandwich.

No, you wiped your childhood memories.

What did I say about pulling the pin in the chair, Duncan? Ow!

I know, I know, but you put your chair back together, right?

No, I buy a new one every time.

There has to be something I can do.

There may be one way, but it's highly controversial.

I'll do anything!

I have to do what?

Did you lose your mind with those memories?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I felt awful that I made you cry,

and the doctor said the only way to get my memories back

was to re-create the horror of seeing you naked.

Did it work?

It was the Fourth of July, beach was packed.

That's right. Then what happened?

A pish touched my foot.

Uh-huh?

I ran out of the water, lost my shorts, and everyone saw my

- itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button. - Itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button.

- Dunkie, you did it! - I 'membered!

So that's why you barged into my shower.

Thank you so much for that touching and intrusive gesture.

Hey, can this be a story we just keep to ourselves until we die?

Oh, yeah. I'm not even telling your dad.

Okay, Helen, we're walking down a long flight of stairs,

and when we get to the bottom, we're gonna be inside your mind.

Okay.

Dad, do you really think this is gonna work?

The only other option we have is to move or kill Helen,

and your mom said no to both.

Your deck was destroyed by a meteor,

and you wanna build an even bigger and better one to share with your neighbors.

Okay.

And you give us presents on Christmas and every day just because.

Okay.

You'll let me throw my Sweet 16 here and my Dirty 30.

Okay.

And you're no longer attracted to Duncan.

Like hell.