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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,503
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
2
00:00:05,046 --> 00:00:07,340
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
3
00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,344
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,849
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
5
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,436
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
6
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,106
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
7
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,861
Mommy!
8
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,654
{\an8}- Duncan!
- Duncan!
9
00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:35,577
Annie. Annie!
10
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:38,204
{\an8}It's gremlins,
and they're eating after midnight!
11
00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:40,749
{\an8} Get outta here!
12
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,006
That's not what I sound like.
13
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,260
{\an8}You guys, scat!
14
00:00:56,973 --> 00:01:01,311
{\an8}Oh, our poor trash.
It was so happy in our kitchen.
15
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:03,855
{\an8}This is all because someone
didn't want to pay
16
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,149
{\an8}the extra five dollars for locking lids.
17
00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:09,652
{\an8}Hey, that five dollars
got me this raccoon poison
18
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,988
{\an8}that I didn't have the heart to use.
19
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:14,657
{\an8}Ugh. Can't we just wait
until the snow covers it?
20
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:17,243
{\an8}The longer you complain about it,
the longer it doesn't get done.
21
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,829
{\an8}So, if we complain
until the snow covers it...
22
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:21,039
{\an8}Make with the rakes.
23
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:22,415
Come on.
24
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,376
{\an8}Am I the only one having fun?
25
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:27,671
Ha! Ha!
26
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:30,590
Duncan, you accidentally
threw away your report card.
27
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:33,885
"Still struggling with everything."
28
00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,139
Going somewhere, Helen?
29
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,725
My older sister had a baby.
30
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:41,810
A living one?
31
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:45,230
She means we're just surprised
because you're so old, and we--
32
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,482
How old do you think I am?
33
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:48,858
200--
34
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:52,445
Congratulations to your sister
and her miracle child.
35
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,072
You should come with me, Duncan.
36
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,199
You might get baby fever.
37
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,742
Better than raking trash.
38
00:01:57,742 --> 00:02:00,120
Uh, give your sister our best.
39
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:04,624
All right, everybody.
That trash isn't gonna clean itself.
40
00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:06,876
It's the city's problem now.
41
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,838
Well, there goes my day.
42
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:15,301
Kimberly, look.
An adult guy in jorts.
43
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,721
I make $42 an hour.
44
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,305
That's good money, but...
45
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,766
Sorry about them.
46
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:24,310
Can I help... [laughs] ...you?
47
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,896
I have a package for Helen Diggins,
and there's nothing in it I want.
48
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:28,481
Uh, you can leave it on her porch.
49
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,566
No, Jack.
50
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:33,737
I just read an article about the scourge
of porch pirates in Porch Weekly.
51
00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:35,363
Oh, I love Porch Weekly.
52
00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:36,906
Their crosswords are so hard.
53
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,575
- She's married, dude.
- Happily?
54
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,493
Hit the road, shorts.
55
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,997
We'll leave it in the back of the house.
Porch pirates hate that.
56
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:49,711
Arr! The back of the house.
57
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:52,130
The day is lost, boys.
58
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,257
Arr.
59
00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:56,134
Why are we doing a favor for Helen?
60
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,845
She treats us like crap,
and she's always hitting on our son.
61
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,889
Look, she's an awful neighbor
and predator,
62
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,099
but that's no reason to not be nice.
63
00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,894
You're right, honey.
Let's be good neighbors.
64
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,482
Splash?
65
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:13,234
Helen doesn't own anything
that goes "splash."
66
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,652
That was a splash, right?
67
00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,821
Oh, I know water, and that was a splash.
68
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:29,459
So this is what you could buy
when you don't have kids?
69
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:33,838
A TV outside? Well, in all my years...
70
00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:35,799
And there's a deck!
71
00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:39,803
As long as I can remember,
I've always wanted to be a deck guy
72
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,971
hosting epic backyard parties.
73
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:45,475
Inviting everyone in the neighborhood
to my home but not in my home.
74
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:48,937
Flipping burgers,
plating burgers, talking burgers,
75
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:51,898
and then everyone raises their burgers
in my honor and yell,
76
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:54,901
"To Jack! The King of the Deck!"
77
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,445
You've wanted that
as long as you can remember?
78
00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,280
More than anything.
79
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,534
Helen's yard is so much cooler
than ours, Mom.
80
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:03,785
Can we use it while she's gone?
81
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,371
Can we? Can we? Please, Mommy.
82
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,957
Please don't make us go back to that dump.
83
00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:10,792
Our yard isn't that bad.
84
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:22,887
I'm Helen Diggins,
and it's five o'clock somewhere.
85
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,935
Previously on Teen Housewives...
86
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:33,898
Kimberly, come on. We're outdoors now.
You know you've gotta turn it up.
87
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:37,819
{\an8}Tylan, I have to take our son
to his soccer practice,
88
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:41,448
and then you have to take me
to my soccer practice.
89
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,408
But, Brendell, my bike only seats two.
90
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:47,579
That does it.
I'm serving you papers at semiformal.
91
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,498
Those two, always on the rocks.
92
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:57,380
Oh, man. This is the kinda resistance
you just can't get on land.
93
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,428
- How long was that?
- Four seconds.
94
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,763
Yes! New record.
95
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:07,766
Dunkie, you remember
the first time I took you swimming?
96
00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,852
Yes. You tell this story,
like, 50 times a day.
97
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,188
The beach was packed for Fourth of July.
98
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:16,399
You walked into the lake,
a fish brushed against your foot,
99
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:19,861
and you screamed, "Mommy!"
and you ran out of the water.
100
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:20,945
I was there, Mom.
101
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,031
I'm not done.
102
00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:26,493
But your trunks were too big,
so they came right off.
103
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:30,038
And there it was,
your itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button.
104
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,248
For all of Oakdale to see.
105
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,541
Remember that, Jack?
106
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,126
Remember what, honey?
107
00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:38,046
The beach was packed
for the Fourth of July.
108
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,298
Dunkie walked into the lake, and a fish--
109
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,468
Oh!
All of Oakdale saw Duncan's button.
110
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:49,808
Sup?
111
00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:53,687
Whoa, man. Where are you?
Hawaii? Oh, I'm jealous.
112
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:57,232
Huh? Oh, yeah. Any time you guys
don't see me, I'm in Hawaii.
113
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,319
Are we hearing the same fire truck?
114
00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:05,573
What? No, uh-- I don't know.
Some dude's grass skirt is burning.
115
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,742
You know I track you on my phone, right?
116
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:08,910
That's Ms. Diggins's yard.
117
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,912
She invites me over
to talk about you a lot.
118
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:15,917
Okay, Old Lady Diggins is gone,
so me and my family are "parasiting" her.
119
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:18,169
You look kinda cool by firelight, Duncan.
120
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,088
Makes you look like you have cheekbones.
121
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:22,340
I mean, I know they're
not there, but still.
122
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,676
Yeah, you look like Willem Dafoe.
123
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,553
Oh, yeah, total Willem Dafoe.
124
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:29,597
Ladies, ladies.
Can we go a day without Dafoe?
125
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:31,016
Hmm.
126
00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:34,686
Kimber, can you take over the grill
while these firemen put me out?
127
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,563
Sweet deck you got here.
128
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,689
You think so?
129
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:41,526
Oh, yeah. I'd trade the lust
of every married woman in town for this.
130
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:42,610
Hey, Annie.
131
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:43,778
Hi, Lance.
132
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:49,701
Okay, we all had a fun day trespassing
in our neighbor's yard. Time for bed.
133
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:50,869
What about our baths?
134
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:54,122
That's the beauty of a pool.
Chlorine is nature's soap.
135
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,124
Is it also nature's toothpaste?
136
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,126
It's nature's everything. Good night.
137
00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,711
- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah!
138
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,714
Slow down, big boy.
We're going skinny-dipping.
139
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,467
Wow. I thought no bath was exciting.
140
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:08,261
You grab the wine,
I'll grab my skinny-dipping T-shirt.
141
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,763
I'm having a body judgment day.
142
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:13,141
But everything else is gonna be free
and floating towards ya.
143
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:26,071
-Sup?
- Just chilling my cheekbones by the fire.
144
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,574
Wait. Duncan, are you still inside?
145
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,284
I made my own firepit.
146
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,410
Open a window!
147
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:35,413
Are you as sleepy as I am?
148
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:38,416
You're getting carbon monoxide poisoning.
Stomp it out!
149
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:40,627
I'll call you right back.
150
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,087
Ow! Fire bad.
151
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:46,508
Pool loving and I'm feeling sexy ♪
152
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:50,261
♪ I got a T-shirt
And it's down to my knees ♪
153
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:02,190
Take me to the deep end, Daddy.
154
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,112
What are you doing here?
155
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,531
Firepit cheekbones. Why are you naked?
156
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:13,034
Hope you brought the skinny
'cause I brought the dip.
157
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,744
Oh!
158
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,584
Poor Dunkie.
159
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,878
Why was it so important
to go skinny-dipping?
160
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:28,133
Why didn't I wear a weird,
oversized M&M's store man-dress like you?
161
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,843
Honey, don't beat yourself up.
162
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:33,930
You were naked and mistakenly
propositioned your son. It happens.
163
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,016
But he looked so traumatized.
164
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:40,437
Like that time at Disneyland when he saw
Jiminy Cricket smoking in the men's room.
165
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,604
Relax, Annie.
166
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,858
Kids see so much crazy stuff
on the Internet these days,
167
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,359
it washes right over 'em.
168
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,700
I'm not my mother's daddy.
I'm not my mother's daddy.
169
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,452
Oh, why isn't this working?
170
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,954
I'm tear-free, Daddy.
171
00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:04,085
I'm a three-way bulb.
172
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,962
Why are you telling me that?
173
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,885
Thank God. A G-rated room.
174
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,470
- Can I sleep in here?
- Sure.
175
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:14,554
Wanna play Barbies?
176
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:15,972
Today is laundry day.
177
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,933
My delicates are in the wash.
178
00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:24,439
I see trauma.
179
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,154
Come on, Mom.
It's our last day with Helen's yard.
180
00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:32,530
We're having a pool party.
181
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:36,076
Yeah. Everyone's gonna be there.
Bradley, Lil Joey...
182
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,453
Uh, that's all the people I know.
183
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:41,122
I'm not really
in a bathing suit mood today.
184
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:44,084
Is this about Duncan seeing you naked?
Dad told us. You definitely scarred him.
185
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,210
To the deck.
186
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,879
- Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo!
187
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,132
Come on, honey.
Helen'll be home in a few hours,
188
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,468
and this is my only chance
to be King of the Deck.
189
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:55,595
They might even burger toast me.
190
00:09:55,595 --> 00:10:00,016
Sorry, but I don't want my naked encounter
with Duncan to become a thing between us.
191
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,602
He has to come down those stairs sometime.
192
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,573
My own son can't even look at me.
193
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,200
Yeah, devastating.
194
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,161
Anyhoo, if you change your mind
about my deck party, I got jarts.
195
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,497
They're illegal.
196
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:28,545
So you saw your mom full-frontal?
197
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,671
And my dad's ass.
198
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:30,839
No!
199
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,133
And then my mom ran to get a towel,
200
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,011
but that just activated
the backyard spotlight.
201
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:39,180
Slow down. So you saw
your mom's everything?
202
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,890
Everything.
203
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:44,352
Sometimes it can help
to talk about these things. Slowly.
204
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:45,603
I know it was a shock,
205
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,356
but it's kinda cute your parents
still have romantic rendezvous.
206
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:52,444
What? I'm just tryna put
a nice spin on a gross story.
207
00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,446
I'll get over this eventually, right?
208
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,823
Oh, no.
This is gonna jack you up for life.
209
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,367
Yeah. You can't unsee your mom's Frisbees.
210
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,786
I saw my mom naked once,
and I tell everyone I meet.
211
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,121
Would you like to meet my mom?
212
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:06,041
Get outta here, man.
I've warned you so many times.
213
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:09,294
I'm just gonna avoid her
until I go to college.
214
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,963
Oh, no! I'm gonna have to go to college.
215
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:17,802
Okay, burgers cooking, beers chilling,
potato salad spoiling.
216
00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,387
Am I forgetting anything, Kimber?
217
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,723
- Uh, fun?
- What do you mean?
218
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,267
This party sucks, Dad.
219
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,935
Everyone's just standing around.
220
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,438
Jing's making small talk with Mayor Jen.
221
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,900
Anyway, that's the summer
my husband left me for a man.
222
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:32,984
What's your deal?
223
00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,819
I can talk like a robot.
224
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,529
Beep beep boop bop!
225
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,739
I don't care for that.
226
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:42,577
I hope someone's house catches fire
so I can leave without being rude.
227
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,788
You and me both, beefcake.
228
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:47,123
I thought your dream was to be
a weird deck guy.
229
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:50,794
It is. That's why
I did everything in this book.
230
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,420
Gimme that.
231
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:57,050
The problem is you have a big deck,
but you don't have big deck energy.
232
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,843
You are saying "deck," right?
233
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,178
Uh-huh.
234
00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:03,014
♪ Never charge for booze
Give 'em free tattoos ♪
235
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:05,684
♪ Everything is all included
Music never should be muted ♪
236
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:07,435
Big deck energy ♪
237
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,813
Big deck energy ♪
238
00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:13,233
♪ Cornhole in the yard
With Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪
239
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,610
♪ Telling all the ladies
That your deck is big and hard ♪
240
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,404
Big deck energy ♪
241
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,156
Big deck energy ♪
242
00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,410
♪ Wanna be a Deck Guy
Gotta play the part ♪
243
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,954
♪ Get this party going
Ow! Was that a jart? ♪
244
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,581
♪ Hey, everybody
Look up here at me ♪
245
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,084
♪ I finally got
Big deck energy ♪
246
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,712
Cannonball!
247
00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,755
Big deck energy ♪
248
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,258
Big deck energy ♪
249
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,551
Ya feel me? ♪
250
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,975
Duncan, it's me. We need to talk.
251
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,143
Are you decent?
252
00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:51,730
Oh, I'm wearing my butt-crack leggings.
Hold on a sec.
253
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:55,608
I think we should talk
so things don't get weird between us.
254
00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:57,736
Oh, for Pete's sake, Dunkie.
255
00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,779
I know it was strange
because I'm your mom,
256
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,407
but if we were of the Swedish culture,
257
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,784
we would see each other naked
all the time.
258
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,412
In the sauna, at dinner, at Ikea.
259
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:10,832
Mom, you're ruining Ikea.
You know that's my favorite restaurant.
260
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:14,002
You know, cavemen would see
their moms naked all the time.
261
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,754
Did you think about the cavemen, Duncan?
262
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,589
Of course I thought about the cavemen!
263
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:20,008
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
264
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:23,636
This'll just be one of your many funny,
embarrassing stories
265
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,765
that you enjoy me telling
to total strangers.
266
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:27,849
Please leave.
267
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:31,311
{\an8}Okay, but I'm gonna leave this book
of Renaissance paintings
268
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,189
{\an8}- in case you're curious about--
- Just go!
269
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:38,777
Hey, Siri. How do I get
something horrible out of my head?
270
00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:42,530
There are six
jart removal locations nearby.
271
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,449
No! Seeing my mom naked.
272
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,117
Searching "naked moms."
273
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,952
No! [sighs] Just forget it.
274
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,621
Searching "forget it."
275
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:52,207
Whoa. That's it.
276
00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:57,337
Dunkie!
277
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,672
Leave me alone.
278
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,595
Wow, naked mom at the pool.
279
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:08,682
Well, Freud said
trauma starts with the mama.
280
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,685
Whatever. Just help me stop seeing
my mom's Frisbees.
281
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,687
Okay, but before I wipe the memory,
282
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:16,856
you must read these seven pages
of risks and sign it--
283
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,942
- Wipe me.
- It's not that simple.
284
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,985
You must find the memory of your mother,
285
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:23,446
and remove it
without disturbing the others.
286
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,365
Memories are interconnected.
287
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,242
Like this metal pin on my chair.
288
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:30,203
You pull it out,
the whole thing collapses.
289
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:33,206
I gotta think of another way
to demonstrate that.
290
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,375
Yeah, yeah.
If I need to remember something important,
291
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,210
Facebook will send me a notification.
292
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,962
You want your 20 bucks or not?
293
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,052
You're in a hallway lined with doors.
294
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:49,431
Behind each door are
your most significant memories.
295
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:52,017
"Largest poops."
296
00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:55,145
Don't get distracted.
Find the door that says "Mom."
297
00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:58,815
Got it. Hi-yah!
298
00:14:58,815 --> 00:14:59,983
Kick!
299
00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:01,943
Are those too tight in the crotch?
300
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,904
- Zip me up, Dunkie.
- Blast!
301
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,032
Someone's going through puberty.
302
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,491
And that's where babies come from.
303
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,784
Suppository!
304
00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:10,869
Nocturnal emission--
305
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:13,204
Take me to the deep end, Daddy.
306
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,290
Die, memory! Die!
307
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:16,875
Hot flash.
308
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:19,044
Just use the girls' room--
309
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,712
Teeny-weeny button. Kiss your grandma.
310
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,589
Butt-crack leggings. Crunchy sock?
311
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,882
Foreskin!
312
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:26,801
Yeah! Smoked her. Buh-bam!
313
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,970
Dude, you gotta release this
for PlayStation.
314
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:31,056
- Am I cured?
- That depends.
315
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:33,224
What do these Frisbees make you think of?
316
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:34,809
Uh, dogs?
317
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,144
You're cured.
318
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:39,898
Yes! You saved my life.
And I got this sweet key chain.
319
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,736
Is this the jart removal place?
320
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,196
No, that's next door.
321
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,781
All right. Thank you.
322
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,287
Deck Guy says move right ♪
323
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,623
Deck Guy says move left ♪
324
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,291
Deck Guy keeps it tight ♪
325
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,877
Deck Guy, he don't mess ♪
326
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,129
- Deck Guy ♪
- Touch the sky ♪
327
00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:07,050
I love dancing to songs
that have instructions.
328
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,052
You're white, Jack. Of course you do.
329
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,387
Dad, I'm so proud of you.
330
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,014
I'm gonna do something
I've never done before.
331
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,600
Hey, everyone, this is my dad!
332
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,397
All right, everyone raise
your burgers in the air.
333
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:24,609
Oh, my God. Here it comes.
The burger toast.
334
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:27,153
To my man, Jack, the King of the--
335
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,197
Hey! Are you Big Deck Jack?
336
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,907
If the apron fits...
337
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,535
We saw your party
on Porch Weekly's Instagram feed.
338
00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:34,619
Okay if we join?
339
00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:35,745
Sure!
340
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:38,456
I'll throw two more "portobells"
on the rack.
341
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,542
Hey! The old jerk said okay!
342
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:45,630
Uh-oh.
343
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,090
We're gonna need a bigger deck.
344
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,927
Sup, Mom? What's for lunch?
345
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,012
Sandwich--
346
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,556
W-Wait. Duncan, you're looking at me.
347
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,266
Yeah, why wouldn't I?
348
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,350
Extra mayo, please.
349
00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:00,020
So the incident over at Helen's...
350
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:04,774
Oh, I know something happened but can't
remember what it was, so we cool.
351
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:08,945
Oh, Dunkie. It is so nice
to have my baby boy back.
352
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:13,074
I was worried we were never gonna have
any fun times together again.
353
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:16,244
Like that Fourth of July.
The beach was packed.
354
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:19,998
You walked into the lake, and a fish
brushed against your foot, and--
355
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:23,043
- Hey. You're not rolling your eyes at me.
- Why would I?
356
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,253
You heard it a million times,
and you hate it.
357
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,629
What's wrong with you?
358
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:31,634
Nothing. I just paid some brain dude
to let me go ham on memories I don't want.
359
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,136
"Go ham."
360
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:36,181
You went ham on your brain?
361
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:38,725
So do you remember what happened
at your sixth birthday party?
362
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:39,893
I turned six?
363
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:44,064
No! The clown scared you,
and I beat him with his giant shoe!
364
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:47,317
And you started giggling and clapping,
and it was adorable.
365
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,694
Sounds funny. Wish I was there.
366
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,196
You were there.
367
00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:54,824
Oh, my God. You destroyed our memories.
368
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:57,327
Just the embarrassing ones. Who cares?
369
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,495
I care!
370
00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:01,748
After I saved you from that fish
on the Fourth of July,
371
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,500
you colored me a thank-you note,
372
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:07,087
and it was the first time you ever wrote,
"I love you, Mommy."
373
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,423
I called it a "pish."
374
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,760
Those moments embarrass you now
because you're a teenager.
375
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,222
But they're precious.
You would've seen that one day.
376
00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:21,142
You just didn't erase memories,
you erased us!
377
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:26,064
My first new memory, and it sucks.
378
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:30,360
Helen's gonna be home any minute.
Everybody, please go.
379
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:34,406
And if you could each just pick up
one piece of trash on the way out...
380
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:41,830
I know we should do something about that,
but my shift ended five minutes ago.
381
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:43,832
Whoa!
382
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:46,751
Ow!
383
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,003
Dad, do something!
384
00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:50,588
Mr. Mitch, how do I stop this party?
385
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:53,925
Sorry, I just know how to get 'em started.
Stopping 'em is a cop thing.
386
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:59,431
Excuse me. College kids, bad news:
I-I gotta shut it down.
387
00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:02,350
Shut it down?
I thought you were Big Deck Jack.
388
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,269
You're right. Carry on.
389
00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:10,442
She's going down!
390
00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:12,110
Thank you for having us!
391
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:13,194
Jump, Dad!
392
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:16,114
No. I've got to go down with the deck.
393
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,371
Helen's home!
394
00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:26,416
- What do we do?
- There's only one thing we can do.
395
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:27,500
Run like hell?
396
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,419
Language, and yes!
397
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:36,092
You wiped all my childhood memories,
and now my mom is sobbing into a sandwich.
398
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,970
No, you wiped your childhood memories.
399
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:42,265
What did I say about pulling
the pin in the chair, Duncan? Ow!
400
00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:44,934
I know, I know, but you put
your chair back together, right?
401
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,187
No, I buy a new one every time.
402
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,022
There has to be something I can do.
403
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:52,275
There may be one way,
but it's highly controversial.
404
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,651
I'll do anything!
405
00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:55,779
I have to do what?
406
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:04,662
Did you lose your mind
with those memories?
407
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:08,291
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I felt awful that I made you cry,
408
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:11,044
and the doctor said the only way
to get my memories back
409
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,713
was to re-create the horror
of seeing you naked.
410
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,298
Did it work?
411
00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:19,552
It was the Fourth of July,
beach was packed.
412
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,805
That's right. Then what happened?
413
00:20:21,805 --> 00:20:24,307
A pish touched my foot.
414
00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,517
Uh-huh?
415
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:30,563
I ran out of the water, lost my shorts,
and everyone saw my
416
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,732
- itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button.
- Itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button.
417
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,318
- Dunkie, you did it!
- I 'membered!
418
00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:37,737
So that's why you barged into my shower.
419
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:42,200
Thank you so much
for that touching and intrusive gesture.
420
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:46,996
Hey, can this be a story we just keep
to ourselves until we die?
421
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:49,374
Oh, yeah. I'm not even telling your dad.
422
00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:55,797
Okay, Helen, we're walking
down a long flight of stairs,
423
00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:59,300
and when we get to the bottom,
we're gonna be inside your mind.
424
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,260
Okay.
425
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,762
{\an8}Dad, do you really think
this is gonna work?
426
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,348
{\an8}The only other option we have is
to move or kill Helen,
427
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,225
{\an8}and your mom said no to both.
428
00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:10,061
{\an8}Your deck was destroyed by a meteor,
429
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:14,399
{\an8}and you wanna build an even bigger and
better one to share with your neighbors.
430
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,734
{\an8}Okay.
431
00:21:15,734 --> 00:21:19,821
{\an8}And you give us presents on Christmas
and every day just because.
432
00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,239
{\an8}Okay.
433
00:21:21,239 --> 00:21:24,743
{\an8}You'll let me throw my Sweet 16 here
and my Dirty 30.
434
00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:26,161
{\an8}Okay.
435
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:28,913
{\an8}And you're no longer attracted to Duncan.
436
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,373
{\an8}Like hell.
33867
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