Original subtitles

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

♪ My birthday is coming, coming is my birthday ♪

But if the faulty gas line runs

directly below our house...

That's right, Jack. Ka-bloom.

When is it my birthday? "Soon, soon," says the owl.

Hey, Jing, would you like to talk about your birthday?

Yes, yes, it's coming!

Okay, little one.

This Saturday is all about you.

What would you like to do?

What I always do.

Get five Princess Jasmines and watch them brush ponies

in the backyard with good friends and family.

I don't see any reason our house

couldn't host a children's party.

- I'll fire up the grill. - Yay!

Hi, Sally, it's Jing's birthday again.

No, they don't grow up that fast.

Anyway, you know the drill: five princesses,

five ponies, but don't send Sugarcube.

He's a biter, and he's not welcome here.

Oh, I can't do another one of those baby pony parties.

Sugarcube took a chunk out of my ass.

Oh, but that princess party makes Jing so happy.

And us so miserable. Let's kill it.

So my party will be a mix of you guys and school friends.

Don't worry. They're cool. They're cool.

Oh, hey there, Jing.

Heard you're turning the big 0-5.

That's right, and you're both invited

to my princess pony party, yay!

Princess pony? We got here just in time.

Jing, your fifth birthday basically defines

what people think of you for the rest of your life.

The stakes could not be higher.

My fifth birthday was so embarrassing,

my reputation never fully recovered.

What's a reputation?

It's what people think of you when your fifth birthday

is at a stupid butterfly sanctuary

and they're all still in their cocoons

and everyone calls you a liar.

Well, I'm doing a princess pony party,

and it's gonna be fire.

Oh, hey, Kimberly, I just thought of a great place

Jing could have her party

and be the coolest kid in kindergarten.

Oh, show us this magical place

that's perfect for kids Jing's age.

Teen Zone, Teen Zone, Teen Zone.

You want to play games until your hands bleed? Teen Zone.

You want to feel the sensation of falling to your death?

Teen Zone.

You want to simulate war? Teen Zone.

Cake's for babies. Pizza's for teens.

You rock, Teen Zone!

Teen Zone: Where Teens Go In!

Holy freaking crap.

Listen up! Kill the princesses and free the ponies.

I'm having my party

at Teen Zone, Teen Zone, Teen Zone!

Okay, Duncan and Kimberly,

I need your help setting up.

- You got it, Mom. - Whatever you need.

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Yeah! Bye, Mom!

All right, Jack, I guess it's just you and me.

Don't worry, honey, you can count on--

Garry W. Tallent's Bass Guitar Hero?

Excuse me, ma'am, you're not allowed

to bring in outside plates and utensils.

You have to buy ours.

They're so limp.

Oh, yeah, they won't hold anything.

Gonna have to double up. I'll add it to your party tab.

Oh, fine.

It's just a little gouging, Annie.

Just a little gouging.

All right, Jack. Time to shred some bass.

One, two, three, four.

Combo.

Holy cannoli, I need that ravioli.

I love this creep.

Jing, let me get a picture of you and your crew.

Sorry, ma'am, you have to use our funtographer.

That's what we call our photographer.

Wallet-size prints and refrigerator magnets

are available for $40.

Magnets for everyone!

Just a little more gouging.

Gouging, gouging, gouging.

Hey, Wolf. You're amazing at this game.

Not playing yet. No tokens.

Hold on, I've got a hack.

Want a ride?

Oh, my God, yes.

I mean... I'll chop all day.

Next stop: Barstow.

Majestic, simply majestic.

Oh, yeah, totally worth the wedgie.

- Wow, that is in there. - Mia, that was amazing.

You were like a Mission: Impossible movie,

but I understood what was going on.

Thanks. Have you ever done indoor skydiving?

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, I love dancing with wind, as we divers say.

Oof.

Whoa!

Steady yourself. Use your surface area.

Ahh! Wind, spare me!

You got to stabilize so you don't get nauseous and--

Oh, damn, boy.

Blech!

Ah, disgusting, simply disgusting.

Uhh, there's the wedgie.

Oh, my God, it's so deep.

For the love of God, shut it down.

Sorry, this is the Extreme Zone.

He's got to ride it out.

He your husband?

Hey, you're Duncan's friend.

How long have you worked here?

You will not address me as Duncan's friend.

You will address me as General Zapblood.

And I started yesterday. How am I doing?

Very well, General Zapblood, sir.

Listen up, maggots.

This is your laser rifle.

There are many like it, but this one is yours.

Also, please see me if your laser rifle does not work.

And remember, if you choose to shoot

over walls, everyone will hate you.

Can I shoot over the walls?

Of course! Happy birthday, baby Jing.

Before we open the laser arena

and make your kids' wildest dreams come true,

please sign this funtract.

That's what we call contracts.

Anything for our baby.

My Bic!

Hold up. What is a laser recharge fee?

It's an additional $2 per player fee

to recharge the lasers.

Recharge the lasers?

You mean plug them in? That costs more?

Oh, the rising cost of electricity.

- Bic, please. - Uh-uh.

The package I chose clearly stated $15 per kid.

You are in breach of funtract.

Yeah, that's how we do it.

Oh, it's because that's how they do it, babe.

So the fee includes the lasers

but not the electricity?

That's ludicrous.

That's like if Teen Zone had a pool

and I had to pay extra to use the water.

We don't have a pool.

Okay, it looks like we're all on the same page.

Let's sign.

We're honest, hardworking people,

just like all the other parents in here,

and you've done nothing but gouge us all day.

Using the bathroom cost me four tokens!

Well, that's kind of like a fun game,

if you think about it: you have to hit a target.

Ahh.

Rescind this absurd charge, or I will post

a negative review on Screech

that'll make other customers think twice.

No fee, no laser tag.

Screech away.

Ya just got Screeched, and I'm not signing nothing.

Ugh!

You just played that game. That'll be two tokens.

Hold on to me. I'm going off road.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna touch Wolf's torso.

- Aah! - Good news, Kimberly.

We're taking a moral stand.

No!

Now, get in there, and may God have mercy

on your adorable little souls.

- What the-- - Sorry, everyone.

I would love for all of you to live out

every kid's fantasy of going to war,

but this is a matter of principle.

We have to leave right now.

The good news is,

we can have parking lot cake on our plates.

You got lucky, lady.

You ruined my birthday, Mommy.

And don't think 'cause I'm five, I'm gonna forget this.

I can feel it moving into my long-term memory.

I would have gotten torso, Mom,

if you weren't such a cheapskate.

Torso!

And if you hadn't forced your five-year-old

to have a teen party,

I wouldn't be humiliated and caked in my own yak.

Ugh! My own yak!

Ah-ooh-gah!

My menopause just meno-resumed.

I'm sorry they're upset, Jack,

but it's just the principle.

Don't let them get to you, honey.

You are a strong woman who fights for her beliefs

even if those beliefs cause resentment

that will last a lifetime.

But the kids are watching through the window,

so I'm gonna look angry and slam the door.

Love you!

Mom sucks.

Why can't I be a lovable coward like Jack?

Oh, God, Bradley's mom. Now I'm gonna hear it from her.

Hi, Patricia.

I know, I made a scene over the laser recharge fee.

And thank you.

I saw your post, and it's about time someone stood up

to the thieves at that hell palace.

- Really? - Yeah, it's the principle.

It's like going to the pool and paying extra for the water.

- That's what I told her! - You actually said that?

Of course. How else could one put it?

You know, there's a group of us on Screech

that casually meet and angrily vent

about local businesses every Wednesday.

You should join us.

I'd love to.

I'll even supply refreshments--

no hidden fees.

Seriously, though, you need to say up front

if you're charging us for anything.

Of course. Of course, yes.

Ahh, Mondays.

The day we forget everything that happened over the weekend.

We'll never forget.

It's in our long-term memory now.

LIL' JOEY: Jing, look!

I'm giving you the evil eye over here.

All right, kids.

That's enough about Jing's party.

Oh, Jing, I moved your seat.

You're sitting with Head Lice Kid and Leash Boy.

Not too close, loser.

Look, up in the sky.

It's a bird. It's a-- Ah, to hell with it.

It's Duncan Ralphie.

Barf Vader. Puke, I am your father.

Come on, kids. Seriously, keep going.

And the bright side is, I got hazard pay

for disinfecting the skydiving machine.

What did you eat?

Okay, ha-ha.

That 30 straight minutes of humiliation

could've happened to anyone. I've moved on.

Mr. Mitch, yesterday, you were discussing

something called... math?

Okay, good idea.

Kids, today we're gonna learn to calculate velocity

by using this simple tabletop fan.

Aah, the wind! It's happening again.

Save yourselves! The vortex of death is upon us!

He's still traumatized!

Mia, carry Duncan out

so we can continue laughing guilt-free.

They're not laughing at me, are they?

Of course not. High school is a safe space.

Mia, can you keep a secret?

I'm not over the skydiving thing.

Duncan, are you familiar

with cognitive behavioral therapy?

Uh, refresh me.

The only way to get over your fear is to face your fear.

It's how I'm able to be in the same room

as my grandma's porcelain dolls.

We have to go back to Teen Zone and--

Okay, okay.

We'll get that cleaned up,

but you need to go back in that skydiving machine...

And heal your trauma

by confronting your phobia.

Can't we do it in baby steps, like you point a hair dryer

in my face, and the next day, you turn it on?

Duncan, no.

I watched a whole TikTok about this.

You're gonna meet me there today at 4:00, before dinner,

and you're gonna make that machine ya bitch.

Hey, Dunc, we're sorry for--

What did you eat, man?

♪ My computer hit the floor ♪

♪ I went to the Apple store ♪

♪ They were rude, they were rude ♪

♪ Returning my Mac ♪

♪ Returning my Mac ♪

♪ 'Cause it died on me ♪

♪ You said there was a warranty ♪

Thank you, Mr. Mitch, for that soulful complaint.

Okay, fellow Screechers.

We have a real treat today.

She burst onto the complaining scene

with her blistering takedown of Teen Zone.

I think she's got a real future in bitching and moaning.

Give it up for Annie Harris!

It's so nice to meet such a lovely group

of fed-up people.

My only complaint is that it didn't happen sooner.

Aww.

Enough chitchat.

We're all here because we're tired

of being gouged by Teen Zone.

Screech, sister, screech!

Yeah, I went there for my nephew's first Communion.

The eggplant Parm was for crap.

Yeah, and they charged me 5,000 tickets

for this expired pack of Jolly Ranchers.

Ugh! Ew!

The air hockey table had no air.

I had a hot flash, and it did nothing.

Teen Zone's Screech page is littered with our complaints,

and they haven't done a damn thing.

It's time to take the fight to them.

Whoa, whoa, Annie.

You mean, like, offline?

But we're anonymous curmudgeons.

Not anymore.

You just haven't had a charismatic leader like me.

- Hmm. - No offense, Patricia.

I'm just trying to whip them up.

Well, it's working.

I say we write a strongly worded letter

and slip it under the friggin' door.

I've heard petitions pack a pow.

We wouldn't use our real names, of course.

Somebody could get mad.

Come on, people. We need a big idea!

What's the wildest thing you can think of?

I've got it. Back down and face reality.

Hey, honey.

Are you... Jack?

I told you, on school grounds, you're my Uber driver.

How was your day?

Well, Claire Heimlich'd some guy who was choking,

so now I'm officially the only girl who hasn't gotten torso.

- Thanks, Mom. - I'm sorry, honey.

Your mom just has this set of principles

that, to be honest, I wish I had.

Cuttin' the line.

What's with the children of the corn?

They're all mad about my party.

It wasn't my fault. It was my wife!

You were complicit.

Let's go home, Daddy.

There's nothing you could do to make this better.

That is one sad little bambina.

Mm... mm!

Actually, there is one thing I can do.

Birthday party do-over at Teen Zone!

What about Mom?

Don't make me overthink this. You know I'll fold.

Everyone, pile in the truck.

Yay!

Even me?

Even you, Head Lice Kid.

Gah!

Uh-huh, prank deliver pizzas

to the place that already serves pizzas.

That's some real antifa stuff there, Helen.

Well, at least I'm pitching.

Ooh, I know-- we grab a lighter,

stuff a rag in a bottle of alcohol...

I'm listening.

Then wipe the specials off their menu board

and raise our lighters in triumph.

- I like it! - Diabolical.

Genius, Mr. Mitch.

I pitched that 30 minutes ago.

I'll help you destroy Teen Zone.

But we have to do it today... by 4:00 p.m.

Duncan, you ruined Patricia's wallpaper.

I'm sorry, who the hell is Duncan?

I'm the cure, and Teen Zone's the cancer.

And I'm the cure.

Nothing gets a business shut down faster than this.

We're in.

I'm sorry, I couldn't see. What is it?

Ugh, it's rats.

We're in.

And if you just sign here,

you're good to go for laser tag.

Laser recharge fee?

Hell yeah, I'm paying that. Whoo!

And I'm gonna pay the $3 per slice cake-cutting fee

and fund the employee health plan.

Thanks, Teen Zone depends on gutless Dads like you.

Gouge me anytime, Maddie.

All right, all right, you know the drill from when

you were disappointed here mere days ago.

General Zapblood. Maggots. Kill, kill, kill. Go!

Thanks for going behind Mommy's back, Daddy.

Get some! Aah!

Hmm?

Must have flooded it.

Token me, Dad. I'm getting some torso today.

I still don't know what that means,

but I want all of my children happy.

Get some!

All right, here's the plan.

We walk in, we let the rats go,

the evil empire that is Teen Zone falls,

and no innocent family is ever taken advantage of again.

I'm gonna be honest with you all.

I just wanted a ride to Teen Zone.

I love their cheese fries. Get some!

I hope you choke on those fries, you traitor.

Let's go. These rats smell like crap.

We got to take this place down...

by 4:00 p.m.

Heavy bottom. Double pluck.

Panty power-up.

Aw, yeah, going home with a crazy groupie tonight!

Jack!

What are you doing here?

It's not what it looks like.

I'm just redoing Jing's party

against your deepest wishes, God!

- Hey, Wind Walker. - Mia! It's not 4:00 p.m. yet.

I got here early so I could set up the livestream

so every kid in town can watch.

That's how much I believe in you.

Rat the place, Mom.

How could you do this, Jack?

I thought we were on the same page.

And you're here paying extra for the water in the pool!

It's a clunky metaphor, Annie.

Look, you were right to stand up to this place,

but if we took on every company that exploits our love

for our children, what are we left with,

entertaining them ourselves?

You want me to saw you in half, Annie?

'Cause that's where this is heading!

Principles are great, but are they gonna put

a smile like that on our kid's face?

Blast, blast!

Die slow, Bradley!

Aww.

Support my daughter,

release the rats.

Support my daughter, release the rats.

- Why is this so hard, Jack? - I don't know.

Honestly, it seems pretty clear-cut.

Now, that was a laser-pocalypse!

Put your sticky little hands together for Jing!

Jing! Jing! Jing!

Attention, Jing party of ten.

Re-recharge those lasers and break out the crap pizza.

You're staying here all night! Ugh!

Actually, we close at 6:00.

You close at what time, you money-grubbing leeches?

I mean, I could stay until, like, 7:30, I guess.

That's all night to a five-year-old.

I love you, Mommy.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Sweet moment, Annie,

but we came for blood.

Small-business blood.

I know your pain, I know you're hurt,

but you need to go home now.

You're very special, we love you,

but go home and go home in peace.

Like hell, Annie!

You got us offline and riled up!

Come on, rats. Damn!

Okay, Kimberly, torso time.

Aah!

Oh, no, no.

I'm not ready, you monster!

Of course you are.

I'll be right there holding your hand,

and if you throw up, I'll be right there

holding your hair.

I'm doing it! I'm the greatest skydiver ever!

I had nothing to be afraid of.

Ratnado!

He's gonna be even more traumatized.

Grandma, will you make me a rat costume

for school tomorrow?

Way ahead of you, dear.

Tired of lame arcades

with just games, rides, and prizes?

I wish there was a place with something cool,

like rats.

Teen Zone, Teen Zone, Teen Zone.

Now with rats!

Rat-ical.

They've got rabies, baby.

- We survived Ratnado. - Can you?

Teen Zone: Where Teens and Rats Go In!

Rats are an additional charge.

It was worth it for the free tokens.

Totally. Let's go downtown and bite people.

Get some!

Captioned by Captionmax