Original subtitles

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Mommy!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

Stupid hair. Tame, you damn beast!

Nice.

Mom, I told you to pick up your stuff.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm stuff!

Mia will be here in 13 minutes.

It's her first time coming over and I just want the evening to be dope as hell.

Is that so much to ask? Dope as hell?

Ooh, somebody's nervous.

Of course I'm nervous! This is the only woman I've ever had a crush on.

What about Mrs. Claus?

I was six.

Why do you care so much about Mia? So she's got a nose ring. Big whoop.

She's nice, she's smart, she's got a nose ring.

I don't know! I just need everything to be perfect.

Guess who fell into a septic tank?

Baby alligator!

Oh, she's here.

Hurry, Jack, shake yourself dry.

Good boy.

Oh, Mia. Forgot you were coming over.

No, no, I'm just kidding. Please don't leave.

Hey, Duncan. My parents said to give this to your parents for having me over.

I think they just wanted to prove they own wine.

Uh, make yourself at my home in the house where I live.

Oh, someone has a crush on Santa's wife.

She meant nothing.

So, Mia, Duncan tells me you move a lot. What are you hiding from?

Have I ever done anything to you?

Duncan's an amazing person!

And if you hurt him, you'll have me to deal with.

- I'm just here to watch a movie. - Yeah.

Maybe I won't freeze my eggs.

I heated pizza rolls. Take your pick, ice cold or scalding hot.

Try one, Mia.

They're like little egg rolls with pizza inside.

Yes, I've had them before.

Have you?

Oh, Dunkie, I like this one.

So for anyone who's not caught up in the Teen Housewives cinematic universe,

Brandon is married to Braeyln, who's dating Tylan,

who used to be married to Brendell, and Tamden hates this.

And tonight we find out which grandma's gonna raise the baby.

My money's on Grandma Debbie.

Oh, my God!

And without further ado, I give you Teen Housewives: The Movie.

Grandma Debbie, Grandma Brittany,

Step-Grandma Lindsey P., Step-Grandma Lindsey C.

Tonight, one of you will be chosen to do what you said you never would.

Raise my baby.

I hate this.

It's so exciting. They're all equally unfit.

The person who will be raising my and Tylan's baby is...

Are you tired of walking on hardwood floors?

Ow!

Or c-c-c-cold tile?

What's happening?

Where did movie go?

Calm down, kids, it's just a commercial.

They either have to run these or do subtle product placement.

Ah, the San Francisco treat.

It's Disney+. There's not supposed to be commercials.

Actually, I got us the ad-supported model, Disney Minus.

It's cheaper.

Ugh, Mia, I'm so sorry you had to see this.

Then get on Route 17

and get to Oakdale's leading carpet dealer, the Ruglord.

Say hello to my little prices.

This guy is so lame.

He doesn't make me wanna buy a carpet at all.

Actually, I deliver pizzas to him.

He's super rich.

We get pizza and we're not super rich.

Do you get cinnamon sticks and a side of frosting?

Whoa!

Frosting?

Dad, why can't we be rich like the Ruglord?

I bet he has Disney+.

We're doing just fine, Duncan.

Mia, the plumbing business is cyclical.

That's okay, Mr. Harris, you don't have to explain to me.

I feel like I do.

If you're gonna marry Duncan, you need to know

he's not a wealthy boy pretending to be poor to see if you really love him.

Again, just here to watch a movie.

Dad, if you did a commercial like the Ruglord,

you'd be rich and our lives would change forever.

Duncan, your father works his butt off for this family,

and yes, it doesn't add up to money and things,

but there's a lot of ways people can be rich.

Don't you agree, Mia?

Oh, I'm still a part of this?

Sure, yeah, uh, you could be rich in family and in health.

But the Ruglord's house has a bowling alley!

I'm not normally impressed by shallow extravagance,

but bowling from the comfort of your own home?

Dad, please make a lame-ass commercial. I'll even help you.

- You'd do that for me, son? - Sure, just for you, nobody else.

I don't know. Commercial acting is hard.

GEICO's gone through so many geckos.

First, you get the carpet pad, then you get the carpet.

Then you get the warranty.

On the other hand, it would be fun to sit in a bathtub full of rugs.

Jack, I don't wanna say, "My bridge club is coming over."

Can't I be a more contemporary woman?

I've been living with these characters since I wrote the script over breakfast.

You've got to trust me.

Settle, everyone. You paid for five minutes of studio time,

and by the time I'm done saying this it'll be four. Places and action.

Oh, no! My bridge club is coming over, and my toilet won't flush.

That's because you called those other guys.

Glug, glug, glug.

Did you try plugging it in?

I am drunk, and you're paying for it.

Step aside, traditional homemaker, and let Cap'n Clog save the day!

This looks like the work of the Gunkwad.

Not the Gunkwad!

- Yeah, I'm not doing this. - Cut!

- Why not? - I'm a piece of poop.

You're not poop, honey.

You're an amalgamation of all the gunk that wads in people's pipes.

Hair, keys, goldfish, criminal evidence,

and those little belly button nubs that fall off newborns.

All stuck to a giant piece of poop.

Ninety seconds and I've got Rudy the Rat Killer coming in.

Let's go. Come on.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Duncan, this was your idea because your night with Mia wasn't "dope as hell."

Do you want me to be more successful?

Or we can just go back to living our happy and humble life.

Welcome home, Mrs. Harris.

We're living in the camper? Where do we shower?

Oh, we just use the watering can.

- It's not so bad once you get used to it. - I will never get used to this.

I'm leaving you, Duncan.

The Ruglord has a teenage son, and he invited me house bowling.

Why didn't I do Dad's commercial?

All right, now turn over so I can wash your butts.

Um, may I be excused from this fantasy?

Let's film a local commercial.

Not the Gunkwad!

Cap'n Clog, nice to see poo.

Gunkwad, we meet again.

In the flush.

Hi-yah!

Ooh, curse you, Clog, and your reasonable prices.

How can I ever repay you, Cap'n?

Venmo.

That is the best thing we have ever done as a family.

So, when do we start getting rich?

You gotta be patient, son.

A good ad campaign takes a long--

Harris Plumbing. Yes, I'm the guy that defeated Gunkwad.

Of course, I can fit you in tomorrow.

That depends,

is your garbage disposal making a...

Or a...

Oh, Oscar. The whole can?

No wonder you're a grouch.

How's two o'clock?

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Put me on the naughty list, Mrs. Claus. Oh.

Time for work, Gunkwad!

Wha-- Work? But we had a deal. You make the money, and I spend it.

Everyone loves your commercial and is goo-goo for Gunkwad.

They all want to meet him.

You're not only the face of this company now,

you're my son and my partner, and I could not be more proud.

- Now go put on your poop suit. - It's an amalgamation.

Sure it is, honey. Sure it is.

I've told Mavis a thousand times,

"Don't drink out of the toilet, or one of these days, you're gonna get stuck."

And here we are.

No problem, just gotta grease her up and pop her out. Stand back!

Wow, I can't believe Gunkwad is in my apartment. Can I get a picture?

Why? You see me every day at school.

This is different. You're a mascot on TV now.

Like Gritty or the Noid or the Pillsbury Doughboy.

He's so happy.

Well, I think she learned her lesson.

Oh, man! Can I make another appointment?

- Here's your problem, Octavia. - However did they get in there?

She put 'em in there on purpose so she could meet Gunkwad.

She hasn't been this into somebody since Richard Simmons went missing.

I know he's out there somewhere.

Okay, Mayor Jen, bathroom's all set.

And in the future, I would not flush that many ballots.

Well, you and the Turdinator here are really taking the town by storm.

- Gunkwad. - I'm speaking.

Jack, I want you and your mascot to service all Oakdale property,

including the Hundred Yard Trough at Oakdale Stadium.

The Hundred Yard Trough? We've had our best father-son pees there.

Work, work ♪

Diamonds all on my ring, player ♪

Gold watches, gold chain, player ♪

Hundred thou' on champagne, player ♪

Yeah my money insane, player ♪

Yeah, I'm making it rain, player ♪

But I was just on the plane, player ♪

Buying gear, flying here ♪

♪ It ain't what you heard It's my time of year ♪

♪ The bigger the bill The harder you ball ♪

♪ Well, I'm throwing mine 'Cause my money long ♪

♪ The quicker you here The faster you go ♪

♪ That's why where I come from The only thing we know is ♪

- Work hard, play hard ♪ - Work, work ♪

- Work hard, play hard ♪ - Work, work, uh ♪

The toilet boys are back.

- And we've got presents. - Yeah!

Presents again, Jack?

I don't know how you're gonna top the one you got me yesterday.

I'm finally making big money now.

And this is how people with money say "I love you." With things.

- I love you. I love you. I love you. - Oh!

I didn't forget you, partner, son, best friend.

It's beautiful.

Jack, I love that you're not afraid to splurge,

but I think we should invest our money in more practical things.

That's exactly what I was thinking when I named your new boat!

I don't know, Jack, I've always wanted to chop some wake.

But can we afford it?

They wouldn't have given me a loan if I couldn't afford it.

Besides, we work hard.

We deserve nice boats.

I suppose.

Come on. I made dinner.

Successful people don't eat at home.

I'm taking you all to Mapplebee's.

- Mapplebee's? - On a Saturday night?

But none of our coupons will work.

Oh, I'm tight with Big Travis, the guy that works the door.

He's a huge Gunkwad fan.

And got us a table.

Daddy, can we take the boat to Mapplebee's?

I don't see why not.

Thanks for asking me, Duncan.

When we hit that pothole, and the water sprayed in my face,

it felt like we were really on the ocean.

And may I say, you look absolutely "radishing" tonight.

You mispronounce the sweetest things.

Park this away from the riffraff.

But I am the riffraff.

Good for you.

You have to wear that?

It's this or wait in line with all the other suckers.

Yo, Big Travis.

Gunk, looking good!

Feeling good.

One, two. Reverse. Okay.

Table's ready.

The popular girls.

Hi, Kimberly, can we sit with you?

Sure. You let me sit with you at lunch--

Oh, wait, no, you don't. Enjoy the patio in three hours.

Big Trav, you're letting them in?

Rashida Jones and I have been waiting for an hour.

No disrespect, Amy Poehler, but they're the new hotness.

It was a good commercial.

Remember when Gunkwad went down the toilet?

Yes.

Yeah, that was classic. Okay, we'll wait.

Unlimited breadsticks?

Everywhere I've gone before, they've been very strictly limited.

Get used to it, baby. You're out with the Wad now.

Ooh, I've never gone past page 16 before.

Get used to it, baby. You're out with the Wad now. Of cash.

I'll have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Would you like a side of lobster with that?

Hell, yeah, I'm gonna get a side of lobster with that.

I'm gonna get a full lobster. Oh, and a side of lobster.

The lobster does look pretty fresh.

I'll get the Tex-Mex shrimp, the official Tex-Mex shrimp of the NFL,

and a side of lobster.

God, you are hot when you're hungry.

I know we hang out a lot, Duncan,

but this is kind of our first real date, isn't it?

Yeah.

If you don't count that time you had to carry me to the nurse's office.

I don't. You've been so busy with all that Gunkwad stuff.

What's it been like?

Uh, I barely have time to shower, which is awesome.

Same old Duncan. Wanna share a rock-hard breadstick?

I've dreamed of you saying that to me.

- Mmm. [chuckles] Mmm. - Mmm.

Gunkwad! Come do a pic with us.

Uh, I'm so sorry, Mia. I'll be right back. This is the worst part of the job.

Wad Squad, what up?

So, nice picture, Jing, but you colored the grass blue.

They don't have a green.

If you combine the blue and the yellow, you could make green.

If you think you're winning me over, you're not.

Dang! That looks good.

I like your nose ring.

I've always heard how good success feels, but I never got it until now.

And nothing feels better than sharing success with the people you love most.

Aw, Jack.

I love my clients the most!

Drinks and potato skins for everyone!

Yeah! All right!

♪ For he's a very rich plumber And everyone loves Gunkwad ♪

Uh, could you cancel those?

My husband is overestimating the business drummed up by a local commercial.

The gentleman wearing the balloon hat said you would say that.

We're too big to fail, baby!

So I look at the clog, and I'm like,

"Forget a snake, you need a frigging anaconda."

It's the third time he's told that story, and I'm still not tired of it.

Gunkwad, dish some biz gossip.

Yes! Who's an on-set nightmare?

Well, I probably shouldn't trash-talk other mascots, you know, but, uh...

We understand.

Okay, okay.

Tony the Tiger keeps yelling how great his cereal is,

but you never see him eat it.

- Ooh. - Oh, my gosh. He's right.

Did you hear that?

Tony don't even eat the damn cereal.

I heard him!

Oh, I've colored all the place mats.

My crayon is worn to a nub.

And I have surpassed the limit on the unlimited breadsticks.

So, Mia, why don't we use this alone time to get to know each other?

All right.

So, you give out parking tickets?

- Yep. And you're a good student? - Yep.

Okay. I'm just gonna say what everyone is thinking.

Duncan and Dad are dicks.

I wasn't thinking that.

Yeah, at least when we were eating pizza rolls at your house,

Duncan was eating with me.

Come on. Let's get the speedboat and go home.

Annie, where you going?

The night is young!

The night isn't young, Jack. It's 7:30.

Besides, you're too busy blowing money on people you don't even know.

We're working, Annie. Everyone in here is a potential customer.

Yeah, Mom! Do we look like we're having fun?

You're holding a limbo bar.

People want a plumber they feel they can party with.

What about you, Mia?

I don't know. You wanna stay and party with the Wad?

We could hold hands like we were about to do before my fans whisked me away.

Sorry, Wad. I'm gonna go.

But thanks, I had a lovely first date with your little sister.

Good night, Jack.

Oh, for crying out--

You're pushing it, fella.

Mia's not responding to my texts. I'm pouring my heart out here.

Don't worry. All will be forgiven when this next commercial blows up.

You know how the song goes, "Mo Money Less Problems."

Are you sure we haven't turned into jerks?

Absolutely not.

You saw me coming!

Say hello to my little prices!

And cut!

That's a wrap on Ruglord.

Whoa, Ruglord.

Gunkwad! I am such a fan.

- And I am Cap'n Clog. - Okay.

Ruglord, can I ask you something?

How do you balance work and relationships?

Also, how do you make it look like the rug is firing bullets?

Oh, the rug is easy.

I have real machine gun inside of it.

But I fail miserably at relationships.

Being the Ruglord cost me my wife, my girlfriend and my side piece.

But you're famous and make so much money.

We've heard about the cinnamon sticks.

There are only so many cinnamon sticks a man can eat alone.

Hey, are you guys doing anything tonight?

I have a bowling alley in my house.

We can type funny names in like we're good friends.

- Oh, geez! Tonight? Sorry, man. - Oh, geez. Tonight? Oh, shoot.

Gunkwad, Cap'n Clog, to the set.

Oh, thank God.

Looks like it's just you and me, Shaggy.

And the person I want to raise my baby is Grandma Brittany.

I can't because I'm pregnant.

Oh, she wasn't throwing up from the vodka. It was morning sickness.

- I shouldn't be watching this. - Pause it, pause it, pause it.

Annie, you gotta see our new commercial. Gunkwad dies, or does he?

Sit, sit, sit.

Pizza for you.

Oh. Would you mind putting it on the coffee table?

You're lucky it's policy that if you ask, I have to.

Any last words, Gunkwad, before I send you to Satan's toilet?

I just have one thing to say. Mia.

Hmm?

I got so caught up on playing a giant turd on TV, I became one in real life.

I'm sorry. All I wanted to do was impress you

and maybe get to hold your hand, or you could hold my hand,

or, I don't know, anything with our hands--

But no, not that-- Can I do another take?

Mia's an amazing person.

And if you hurt her, you'll have me to deal with.

And I just wanna go back to the way things were,

with me barely providing for our family,

and using our Mapplebee's coupons on Tuesday nights.

Oh, Jackie, you financially reckless fool.

Promise you'll never try to impress me again, 'cause when you do,

you do it in really weird and off-putting ways.

Don't worry. My days as the Wad are over.

Goodbye, gross costume.

The fumes are having a... ...delightful effect.

I don't think I should be inhaling this.

Anybody else feeling like you don't give a rat's ass about anything?

I sure don't care about that $3,000 bill from Mapplebee's.

Mapplebee's.

That's a funny name, isn't it? Mapplebee's.

You guys are crazy. I don't feel anything.

Which one of you is Duncan?

Kris, stop it! Nothing happened!

- Mary. - Hmm?

You haven't aged a day.

This is awesome.

I can feel the wind in my cavities.

Duncan, you are my boat friend-- Best friend.

Nope I'm going back to boat friend.

This baby really handles the chop.

Whoa. Why did we stop?

End of the line.

Can't we just drive to Miami and shoot a rap video?

Yeah, Mavis and I haven't used our parasail yet.

Sorry, I got better things to do than drive a bunch of kids around.

You know, he used to be Gunkwad.

Gunkwad? Hang on, kids.

We're catching the freeway.